(SPECIAL NOTE: Look, I know I said I was going to review nothing but horror movies for the month of October, but when something this awesome practically falls into your lap, you have to tell the world about it immediately.)
If there’s anything I love more than ‘80s workout videos, it’s naked women. Now, if you can make an ‘80s workout video starring naked women, you’re not only speaking my language, but you’re 100% fluent and your accent is impeccable. Unlike Eroticise, a similar effort from the same year, this is shot on film, but it’s really dingy, so it looks closer to the mid ‘70s than the ‘80s.
It opens with shot after shot of the ladies in the cast going down a sliding board and splashing down into a swimming pool in slow motion while totally nude. If there’s a better way to start a video, I’d like to see it.
The gals start off poolside doing some stretching exercises, then move on to leg kicks. They do put on some clothes for the next aerobics routine, but before you start complaining about false advertising, you should know that when I say “clothes”, I mean leg warmers. Since this was the ‘80s, it was government-mandated that all women in workout tapes had to wear leg warmers. Unless you’re an ankle man, I can’t see anyone getting too bothered by it, especially when they start doing naked jumping jacks. Then, the gals pivot to a cheerleader-inspired workout and let me tell you something, they sure know how to shake their pom poms, if you catch my drift.
From there, the film turns into a fever dream of naked twisting, nude jump rope, and something called “The Wiggle Down”, which makes the participants look like they have an itch on their back that they can’t quite scratch. Afterwards, they hop in the pool for some totally wacky water exercises. The prolonged slow-motion sequence of the ladies jumping and splashing in the water will live rent free in my head for some time.
But it doesn’t stop there. No. Then, we switch to an underwater camera and marvel as our sopping wet aerobics enthusiasts make like a dolphin and swim through rings that have been strategically positioned throughout the pool. Flipper ain’t got nothing on these ladies.
Then, it ends as it began with the ladies going down the slide and back into the pool in slow motion. That’s right. It’s a Mobius strip of awesomeness.
The sound was poorly dubbed, which adds to the fun. When the girls exercise, it’s to a disembodied voice who counts off for them. Their banter while taking breaks around the pool is also looped in while their backs are turned to the camera, so we never see who’s saying what to who. It’s some Doris Wishman type shit. I loved it.
The best moment is when the girls put a workout video in the VCR and follow along to an instructor modeled on Jane Fonda. Folks, I’ve never seen a workout video where you watch women in a workout video watching a woman in a workout video. Again, this thing is just a Mobius strip of awesomeness.
The camerawork is stellar as well. The cameraman really knew how to get all the angles to capture the ladies’ curves. The camerawork delivers on all the shots of jiggling boobs and buns that you’d expect from something like this, but trust me, the cameraman leaves nothing to the imagination when the gals are performing their leg lifts and pelvic thrusts. Did I mention how great this fucking tape is?
The women in the cast look lovely. All of them had careers of varying degrees in softcore and/or hardcore entertainment. The most notable of the quintet is Tracey Adams from the Pretty Peaches movies.
I’m not saying Nudaerobics is a cure for depression, but I haven’t stopped smiling since I saw it. If they can’t get it into the Library of Congress film preservation list, they can at least prescribe it as an alternative to Lexipro.
You know how they always say, “It’s the greatest thing since sliced bread?” Well, I don’t know what the thing was that was so great BEFORE sliced bread came along (the wheel, maybe?), but Nudaerobics is even better than THAT.
AKA: Nude Aerobics.
No comments:
Post a Comment