SERENITY (2019) ** ½

When this came out a few years back, the word on it was toxic.  A lot of people were saying it was one of the “worst movies of the year”.  Heck, there were even a couple who were tossing out a lot of “one of the worst movies of all time” talk.  Bad movies are my specialty, so naturally this has been sitting in my queue for a while.  It just took a while to get to it.  

Matthew McConaughey stars as a surly boat captain who’s obsessed with hooking a big fish.  His meager existence is shaken up when his ex-wife (Anne Hathaway) arrives on the scene offering him a proposition:  Kill her loutish rich hubby (Jason Clarke) and walk away with a cool $10 million.  He soon learns it isn’t that simple. 

The set-up is promising and ripe with film noir possibilities.  The small fishing village where everybody knows everything about everyone is an ideal location for such shenanigans too.  Like many film noirs before it, there is a big twist, and I assume it was the twist that got everybody’s panties in a bunch.  It’s the kind of thing where either you go with it, or you don’t.  I can understand why some people wouldn’t take to it as it comes out of left field (even though there are several instances of foreshadowing leading up to the big reveal).  I guess people that hate the twist hate the film on general principles.  However, hating the entire thing just because of the twist is dismissive to the solid first hour or so that precedes it. 

The cast is fine, with McConaughey in particular being outstanding as the drunken, hopeless fisherman.  Hathaway is also very good as the battered wife and Clarke is despicable as her abusive husband.  We also have strong supporting turns by Djimon Hounsou as McConaughey’s loyal first mate and Diane Lane as a local woman McConaughey provides stud service to. 

So, does the twist work?  Not really.  It’s not that it’s “bad”, it just comes off a bit goofy.  I was going to break it down in depth in this review, but I decided against it since it’s such a weird twist that you’re better off seeing it for yourself and drawing your own conclusions.  

Overall, Serenity isn’t deserving of its reputation but it’s not exactly a misunderstood classic either.  Without the twist, it would’ve been a good but forgettable thriller.  With the twist it’s odd and ultimately unsuccessful one, but it remains an unforgettable slice of WTF cinema.  Honestly, I think I’d prefer the latter. 

FOXTRAP (1986) ** ½

Fred Williamson is a cop named Fox who is hired by the slimy J.T. (Chris Connelly) to go to Europe and bring back his niece Susan (Donna Owen).  His search begins in Cannes and when the trail goes cold, it’s off to Rome where he finds her acting as a kept woman for Marco (Maurizio Bonuglia), a standard issue sleazy underworld type.  Not long after he brings her home seemingly safe and sound, he slowly begins to suspect he’s been playing for the wrong side, so Fox sets out to make things right. 

Foxtrap is very similar to the other cop action flicks Williamson was churning out in Italy throughout the ‘80s.  Most of the running time is devoted to Williamson strutting around smoking a stogie while occasionally kicking the crap out of hired henchmen.  These sequences aren’t staged particularly well, but they get the job done for the most part. 

I did enjoy the scene where Fred hangs out at the Cannes Film Festival where posters for Witness, Cocoon, and Death Wish 3 are prominently displayed.  It looks like one of those Joe Spinell/Fanatic type deals where he was already at the film festival, so why not film a movie?  Too bad more of the flick didn’t take place there. 

Fred is cool as always, but it’s Cleo Sebastian who steals the movie as Josie, Williamson’s girlfriend’s gay roommate who can kick ass when he has to.  He even briefly joins Williamson on his quest for revenge and uses a fighting technique that can only be described as Ballet Fu.  Little touches like this help to differentiate Foxtrap from Williamson’s other actioners of the era (like the interchangeable Black Cobra series) and gives the film a little bit of personality.  Lela Rochon also pops up in an early role as Connelly’s moll. 

Despite being a quirky effort for Fred, Foxtrap kind of runs out of steam before it crosses the finish line.  The finale is underwhelming too, and it features a lot of scenes of clearly empty cardboard boxes getting shot up.  All that aside, it’s an agreeable enough actioner for fans of Williamson. 

MADAME O (1970) ****

When she was just a teenager, Saeko (Michiko Sakyo) was gang raped on the beach.  Not only did she become pregnant after the traumatic incident, but she also contracted syphilis from her attackers.  Saeko grows up to be a respected doctor and obstetrician who by night goes out on the prowl, picks up men, and injects them with VD.  Eventually, Saeko finds herself catching feelings for a kind colleague who dotes on her.  Complications soon arise when an infected conquest shows up looking to blackmail her. 

Madame O hits like a sucker punch to the gut.  It’s exactly the kind of exploitation flick I love.  It’s a dark, depraved, and twisted thriller that features a great blend of muddy morality and sweet revenge combined with simple but effective plot twists and memorable characters.  Trust me, you’ll be thinking about this flick days after you see it.

Sayko is incredible as our sadistic heroine.  Even when she is ruining the lives of innocent men, you can’t help but feel for her and root her on in her quest for revenge.  Her hateful and bitter narration further endears her to the audience, even in the face of her questionable exploits. 

It’s mostly in black and white, but there are a few scenes that are in color, including a real birth of a baby sequence (!!!), Saeko’s first orgasm, and the gruesome part where she dismembers a corpse.  The gnarliest scene though occurs when she discovers she’s pregnant and performs an abortion… on herself!  While nothing particularly graphic is shown, those close-ups of her toes curling in the stirrups really pack a punch.  I can only imagine the reactions this received on its original release.  Heck, even by today’s standards, it’s a hard-hitting flick.  If you’re a fan of brutal revenge movies then by all means check out Madame O PDQ. 

AKA:  Vicious Doctor Part 2.  

FIRST MAN (2018) ****

First Man follows the exploits of astronaut Neil Armstrong (Ryan Gosling) as he overcomes personal tragedy to become the first man to walk on the moon.  After the death of his young daughter, he throws himself into his work, test piloting for the Gemini and Apollo space missions.  Through that, he tries to balance his personal life with his long-suffering wife (Claire Foy) who stands by her man, even though the pressures of his job and his emotionally distant demeanor cause them to quarrel. 

Gosling is excellent as Armstrong.  He plays Neil as tight-lipped, and not very good when it comes to talking about his feelings.  His determination and drive make him compelling, and when he does let his guard down a little, it really registers.  Foy is Gosling’s match as his dutiful wife who also buttons down her emotions because it’s expected of her.  That doesn’t mean she isn’t afraid to speak up and take Neil to school when she’s fed up with his shit. 

Director Damien Chazelle uses a mostly handheld style with a film stock that’s bathed in heavy grain, which gives the movie a documentary feel.  It often looks like you’re watching something from that era and not a biopic from the 21st century.  Having actors like Kyle Chandler and Jason Clarke, who look like they stepped out of a ‘60s time capsule, also helps set the mood. 

Speaking of capsules, the space exploration scenes are downright harrowing too.  Most movies about space show the rockets lifting off from the outside, but for much of the film, Chazelle keeps the camera firmly inside the capsule so you can experience what Armstrong and the other astronauts felt on takeoff.  (The standard majestic lift-off scene is saved for the fateful Apollo 11 mission.)  The camerawork is cramped and claustrophobic inside the cockpit and the whole thing feels like it could shake apart at any second.  (I especially liked the close-ups of various bolts and screws inside the cockpit which showcase all the ways it could potentially go to pieces.)  You don’t feel a sense of awe during these sequences, but rather a sense of, “oh shit”.

First Man reunites Gosling and Chazelle who had previously collaborated on La La Land.  I wasn’t a fan of that flick, but I found this one to be genuinely moving and gripping throughout.  The moonwalk scene is quite thrilling too, even when you already know the outcome. 

Overall, you’re bound to enjoy First Man to the moon and back. 

DEVO (2025) *** ½

I saw Devo live for the first time this summer and it was one of the best concerts I had ever seen.  I had been a casual fan before, but I did a deep dive into them afterwards and found their entire discography to be pretty awesome.  Now, in a case of perfect timing, comes the Devo documentary.  If you’re already a die-hard fan, this will be a nice walk down memory lane.  If you’re just a casual fan that only knows them from “Whip It”, you will get an eye-opening look at what they’re all about. 

The film gives us a concise history of the band’s formation (at Kent State at the same time of the tragic National Guard shooting that left four students dead) and how their music began as an extension of Devo’s theory of “de-evolution”.  (The band’s belief that humans are in a perpetual state of regression.)  The addition of music videos (years before the advent of MTV) added an important visual component to the music and the message and helped propel them into cult status. 

The interviews with band members Mark Mothersbaugh and Gerald Casale are enlightening and entertaining, even if you’re already familiar with some of their lore and philosophy.  The wealth of footage from their early years (including the band’s very first concert) and fun use of clips from old industrial shorts and horror movies (especially Island of Lost Souls, from which they gained a lot of inspiration) that informed the band’s outlook also makes it highly recommended. 

If there is a flaw it’s that it follows the generic documentary format that several other rock docs have used.  The rags to riches to rags motif doesn’t really ring true, especially when the band is still putting out new music and touring fifty years on.  Still, there’s plenty of great clips and awesome songs along the way, and that alone makes it one of the best documentaries of the year. 

NOBODY 2 (2025) *** ½

Bob Odenkirk returns as the ass-kicking family man Hutch in this energetic, entertaining, and fun sequel.  This time out, Hutch’s job as an assassin is kind of wearing him down and starting to cut into his family time.  He decides to put killing on hold and take his wife (Connie Nielsen) and the kids to a water park in a rustic resort town.  He soon learns the place is ran by a crooked sheriff (Colin Hanks) who is in cahoots with a crazy kingpin (Sharon Stone).  Hutch naturally just wants to be left alone, but old habits die hard and with some help from his dad (Christopher Lloyd) and brother (RZA), he sets out to burn her operation to the ground. 

While it isn’t quite in the same league as the original, Nobody 2 is a sharp, fast moving, and bloody good time.  The film’s dark sense of humor and Odenkirk’s Everyman appeal are its chief assets.  It often plays like a cross between John Wick and National Lampoon’s Vacation and the way Odenkirk tries to calmly avoid confrontation only to plunge headlong into gratuitous violence is often very funny. 

Director Timo (The Night Comes for Us) Tjahjanto delivers plenty of memorable action sequences along the way.  The scene where Odenkirk beats up a bunch of arcade bullies is a blast.  I especially liked the way he incorporated his surroundings during the action as he smashes one guy’s head with a Whack-A-Mole mallet and tosses another into a claw machine.  The amusement park finale where Bob and the gang turn ball pits, funhouses, and waterslides into death traps ends the flick on a high note and is one of the best action sequences of the year. 

Odenkirk once again delivers a strong performance and has a lot of chemistry with Nielsen.  Hanks does a surprisingly good job cast against type as the scummy sheriff.  It’s Stone though who steals the movie as the sexy kingpin.  She’s clearly having a blast, and you’ll probably have nearly as much fun as she does.  

THE STUDENT BODY (1976) **

Carrie (Jillian Kesner), Chicago, (Janice Heiden), and Mitzi (June Fairchild) are three inmates who are given a chance at early parole.  The trio are transferred from a state penitentiary to a state college where they take part in an illicit drug experiment run by a shady professor (Warren Stevens, acting like a budget version of Cameron Mitchell).  When Mitzi begins experiencing severe side effects, Carrie tries to have the experiment quashed, but predictably, no one listens until it’s too late. 

Directed by Gus (The Sidehackers) Trikonis, The Student Body features a mishmash of potentially good ideas that are tossed together in half-assed fashion.  It starts off like a Women in Prison flick with a fun Royal Rumble catfight in the laundry room.  From there, it turns into a college hijinks comedy before morphing into a low rent version of a Robin Cook thriller (and that’s giving it way too much credit).  Since it plays like a laundry list of ideas, it makes for a better trailer than a motion picture. 

The good news is there’s a fair amount of nudity in this one.  Such scenes involve skinny-dipping, hot tubs, coeds being spied on via closed circuit television, and heavy petting sessions.  Unfortunately, the T & A kind of dries up about halfway through the movie and likewise, so does the fun.  It’s a shame too because the first act is thoroughly entertaining.  As the film goes on, it feels less like a drive-in movie and more like an After School Special.  The climax is particularly underwhelming and ends things on a frustrating note. 

The Student Body is notable for being the film debut of Jillian Kesner, who is probably best known for her iconic topless Kung Fu fight scene in Cirio H. Santiago’s Firecracker.  Kesner (who went on to marry the film’s cinematographer, Gary Graver) is great as always and anchors the movie the best she can before it goes careening off the rails.  Heiden is fun too as the feisty Chicago, as is Fairchild.  The cast is rounded out by Judith (Eraserhead) Roberts, who plays Stevens’ wife and Peter (TV’s Dr. Strange) Hooten as his son.  It’s Fairchild though who gets the best line in the film when she says, “Big feet… Big ding-dong!”

AKA:  Sexual Students.  AKA:  Sexual Student.  AKA:  Classroom Teasers.  AKA:  Valium High. 

THE MYSTIC (1925) ***

Michael Nash (Conway Tearle) is a conman who joins up with a sexy sideshow medium named Zara (Aileen Pringle) and her loyal band of gypsy performers to create a phony mystic grift.  They soon set their sights on a wealthy heiress (Gladys Hulette) with the intent of bilking her of her father’s fortune using methods they’ve perfected in their stage act.  Problems arise when Nash begins to develop a conscience, and the woman starts seeing her father’s ghost “for real”. 

Directed by Tod (Dracula) Browning, The Mystic is thematically similar to both his Freaks and The Unholy Three (which was released the same year).  It’s a rather straightforward crime melodrama, but there are plenty of unique touches here to help make it memorable.  The idea of mediums using trickery to defraud people was a hot topic at the time of release, so it makes for an ideal framework for a thriller.  Browning brings a spine-tingling atmosphere and a legitimate sense of spookiness to the seance sequences.  The effects are well done too as disembodied arms float around in mid-air and write letters and ghosts dance about.  

Aileen Pringle is the standout among the cast as the shady spiritualist Zara.  She’s equally alluring whether she’s dressed to the nines in her seance scenes or when she’s scheming to get her hands on Hulette’s loot.  Hulette is quite good too as the naive mark and she has a nice chemistry with Tearle, who is also strong as the crooked conman with a heart of gold. 

While The Mystic might not be as iconic as some of Browning’s best-known stuff, it remains a crackling little thriller all the same. The final act may be a tad predictable, but everything preceding it is entertaining and fun.  Minor quibbles aside, it’s worth a look just for the uncanny atmosphere alone.  

BALLERINA (2025) *** ½

When Eve (Ana de Armas) was a little girl, she saw her father murdered by the sinister “Chancellor” (Gabriel Byrne). Winston (Ian McShane), the owner of the Continental Hotel, takes pity on the orphaned girl and sends her off to be trained as a ballerina.  Since this is “The World of John Wick” we’re talking about here, not only does she learn to dance but she is trained to become a ruthless assassin as well.  Years later, Eve gets a line of the gang responsible for her father’s death and winds up trying to save a little girl from their clutches. 

Apparently, this was a troubled production.  The studio didn’t like the movie director Len (Underworld) Wiseman delivered so they had producer Chad Stahleski reshoot the majority of the film.  Wiseman is still credited, but if reports are to be believed, much of what he shot was scrapped.  Fortunately for the audience, you wouldn’t know any of that from looking at the picture as it plays like a well-oiled machine. 

De Armas is excellent in the lead.  She has a real spark about her and is wholly believable in her fight scenes.  I particularly liked the scene when she beats an assassin with a remote control, and it kept changing channels TV every time they got hit in the face. 

While the set-up is a tad longwinded, the action is aces all the way through.  We get an excellent training montage and a fun sequence where de Armas uses a LOT of grenades to blow the competition into smithereens.  Another amusing bit is de Armas’ fight with a waitress where they repeatedly bash each other over the head with dinner plates, Three Stooges-style. There’s also a badass moment where she MacGyvers herself a gun knife. 

The last act of Ballerina features some of the most deliriously entertaining action of the 21st century.  It contains what is possibly the first ever shootout involving flamethrowers.  Somewhere, John Woo is smiling.  Sure, some of the action suffers from noticeable CGI enhancements, but it’s not too distracting all things considered.

Overall, I thought this was about on par with the first John Wick.  Speaking of which, Keanu Reeves shows up as Wick for an extended cameo and he does a solid job lending support to de Armas without stealing spotlight from her.  (They were also in the awesome Knock Knock together.) 

AKA:  From the World of John Wick:  Ballerina. 

THE PRIMEVALS (2024) ***

The Primevals was a passion project for director and stop-motion animator David Allen.  Sadly, the production was shelved in the late ‘90s and Allen passed away before he could complete the effects.  After three decades, producer Charles Band finally was able to assemble a team to finish the film as close to Allen’s original vision as possible. 

A yeti is killed in Nepal and put on display in an American college.  An expedition led by Juliet (Beyond the Door) Mills then return to Nepal to find a live specimen.  There, they enter a cave and when they come out the other side, they find a hidden jungle where ape men live in villages.  Along the way, they also discover mysterious cylinders that may portend an extraterrestrial presence.  Ultimately, the intrepid explorers find themselves facing off against the yeti inside an alien arena. 

The Primevals is consistent with the kind of stuff Full Moon turned out in the ‘90s.  In fact, it probably could’ve been released through Moonbeam Entertainment, their kid friendly line of pictures.  It’s a throwback to the fantastic movies of yesteryear, and its unabashed reverence for those kinds of films is its chief asset. 

Each act plays like a love letter to a different subgenre of Sci-Fi flick.  The first act involving the search for the yeti is obviously inspired by King Kong (the stop-motion effects for the monster are great).  The second act veers into Jules Verne territory and the third dives right into straight-up UFO shit.  Because of that, it often feels more like a greatest hits collection of Sci-Fi cliches than a cohesive film.

That said, it’s easy to see why Allen would want to make it as it is an ideal platform for him to show off his skills.  The yeti is extremely well done as Allen imbues him with a lot of personality.  You even feel a tinge of pity for him by the end of the movie.  The lizard men alien warriors have an old school charm about them, and the gladiator pit battle with giant monsters is fun too. 

That’s the key word here.  Fun.  I’m sure you could nitpick the flick to death if you really wanted to, but I’m just glad Band was finally able to follow through and complete the movie.  While It’s not a lost classic or anything, it makes for perfectly suitable rainy day entertainment. 

TRAVELIN’ (1974) **

Travelin’ kicks off with what is possibly the shortest sex scene in recorded history.  A guy tells a woman, “Let’s do it,” and they bang in the middle of a field.  She is understandably perplexed when he cums almost immediately, gets dressed, hops on his motorcycle, and then heads on down the road.  Girls, it be like that sometimes. 

After riding around for a bit, our hero finally stops off on the side of the road where he watches a couple fuck in broad daylight.  This guy, while no means the world’s greatest lover, lasts way longer than our hero.  He then stumbles upon a “stud farm” where a bunch of horny hippie chicks hang around and wait for guys to bang them.  Once the biker gets his nut, he heads on down the highway once again. 

All of this is shot with the same cinematic flair of the Zapruder film, and it’s just about as sexy too.  Directed by “Bob” Insert, Travelin’ is shoddy and cheap in just about every way.  It doesn’t help that most of the women in the cast are less than photogenic and the print is extremely jumpy. 

It’s possible to make a decent biker porno with little to no money.  (Just check out Teenage Bikers.)  However, Insert never really makes full use of the motorcycle gimmick.  On the plus side, we do get some truly awful, poorly dubbed dialogue (“That’s a fucking cute clit you’ve got there, my dear!”) that’s good for a laugh or two.  There’s also one funny scene where a fly keeps interrupting a couple while they’re fucking and a dubbed voice says, “Hey, get that fly off my ass!”

Fortunately, it’s only forty-six minutes long and it’s pretty much over before it really gets going.  If you like outdoor sex scenes, you may enjoy it as most of the action takes place in the desert or in the middle of a field.   There’s also a heavy concentration of oral scenes, if that’s the sort of thing that floats your boat.  Most of the time though, Travelin’ really doesn’t go anywhere. 

TALK TO ME (2023) **

Talk to Me is an Australian horror flick that acts as a sort of allegory about the perils of teenagers trying stupid viral internet stunts.  Because of that, it’s certainly timely.  However, it’s much too uneven to really click. 

Teens get in on the latest internet craze of filming themselves while performing an occult ritual where they hold a severed hand and say, “Talk to me”, which allows a spirit to possess them.  The only rule is you can’t let the ghost in for longer than ninety seconds.  Things end tragically when a chick’s younger brother plays the game and winds up permanently possessed.  After he is hospitalized, the friends sneak into his room and try to find a way to reverse the curse. 

The scene where our heroine volunteers to be a part of the ritual is fairly strong.  The game itself is kind of like a supernatural version of the Tide Pod Challenge as the possessed teens contort and twitch while their friends stand around laughing and filming everything with their phones.  There’s also a weird scene where the spirit of an old woman sneaks into the bedroom and starts sucking on a guy’s foot. 

The first half-hour is engaging and entertaining, but it quickly goes off the rails in the second act.  Despite strong individual moments, the lows ultimately outweigh the highs.  It doesn’t help that the whole thing plays like a short film that’s been padded out to feature length.  The subplot where the dead mother of our heroine tries to warn her from the other side kind of reinforces that idea as it feels like it was only tacked on to beef up the running time.  The abrupt ending is also the sort of thing that would work in a short film but when viewed as the finale of a feature, it kind of leaves you pissed off.  It’s a shame too, especially when the first half hour or so held so much promise. 

EAT AT THE BLUE FOX (1983) **

Ron Jeremy runs a strip club called The Blue Fox in a sleazy border town.  When he’s unable to make payoffs to the local police, the greedy sheriff has the place shut down.  Eventually, Ron reopens the joint with a new angle:  A live sex show.  The sheriff once again sets out to ruin Ron’s livelihood, but he makes a play to get rid of the crooked copper once and for all.  

Ron Jeremy’s performance is pretty much the whole show in this one.  He appears in most of the sex scenes and his stand-up act eats up a lot of screen time too.  I’m a fan of Ron (his recent legal troubles notwithstanding), but this is really far from his best work.  His usual mugging can’t save the rather tepid sex scenes, which are mostly forgettable and interchangeable; nor can it liven up his unfunny stage show. 

The other attempts at humor are pretty dire, like when the evil sheriff feeds the nightclub patrons chili, which makes them all shit their pants.  Actually, the biggest laugh comes from the opening titles that humorously misspell the word “beginning”.  That pretty much is the tip-off that this one is going to be a dud.  The total non-ending doesn’t really help matters either. 

Also on hand is Herschel Savage, who plays a good ol’ boy who double teams a hooker in one scene.  Pamela Mann looks pretty hot as Jeremy’s former flame/lady of the evening, but her sex scenes are rather ho-hum.  The most memorable moment comes from Kitten Natividad as the cigarette girl who says, “For $200, you can shit on my face!”  It’s a shame her role is basically a cameo because she really brightens up the movie whenever she’s on screen.  Oh, and to add insult to injury, she doesn’t get in on the bedroom antics (and she remains fully clothed to boot).

So, if you have an appetite for a fun ‘80s porno, then you may want to skip Eat at the Blue Fox. 

HERETIC (2024) *** ½

Sister Barnes (Sophie Thatcher) and Sister Paxton (Chloe East) are two hot Mormon missionaries going door to door and spreading their gospel.  They meet a seemingly kind man named Mr. Reed (Hugh Grant) who is anxious to hear about their religion and invites them into his home for pie and spiritual discussion.  Slowly, it becomes apparent that he has not been entirely truthful and is using his religious debate as a pretext for something diabolical.  Before long, he puts their beliefs to the test as he forces them to participate in a deadly game. 

Grant deftly warps his rom-com leading man persona into something sublimely sinister in Heretic.  He channels his typical stuttering deference into a superficial facade that makes his usual Cheshire Cat grin feel vaguely threatening and creepy.  His performance is among the many joys of the film. 

Thatcher is the hottest actress in horror right now after starring in this, The Boogeyman, and Companion in the span of three years.  She turns in yet another fine performance here as she is fun to watch as the skeptical missionary.  East is quite good too as the more polite and mannered sister of the pair. 

Heretic was the brainchild of writers/directors Scott Beck and Bryan Woods.  I run hot and cold on their stuff.  While I pretty much despised Haunt, I found their cheesy Sci-Fi flick 65 to be semi-amusing.  I’m happy to say that this is their best effort yet.  The claustrophobic setting paired with Grant’s dynamic performance makes for a truly captivating film.  I especially like the way Grant arced his religious thesis into an all-encompassing message about pop culture as he compares various religions to different iterations of Monopoly board games and covers of rock songs.  Although it kind of runs out of steam in the third act and has a predicable conclusion, the set-up is aces and the cast is terrific. 

In short, Heretic was good enough to make me a believer.

THE NAKED GUN (2025) *** ½

The Naked Gun (and The Naked Gun 33 1/3) is one of my favorite comedies of all time, so rebooting it without the original ZAZ team could’ve been a disaster.  Having director Akiva Schaffer from The Lonely Island and producer Seth (Family Guy) MacFarlane combining forces behind the scenes was an inspired choice.  The same goes for putting Liam Neeson in the lead.  The reason the casting works as well as it does is that instead of trying to recreate the feel of the original movies (and the Police Squad! TV show), it’s more or less a spoof of your typical Liam Neeson vehicle.  Neeson doesn’t try to mimic Leslie Nielsen either.  He just acts like he’s in a MAD magazine version of a Liam Neeson movie.  This approach yields plenty of laughs while keeping the same brand of humor that made the original Naked Gun films classics. (“Cigar?”  “Sure looks like it!”)

The plot (not that it needs one) has detective Frank Drebin Jr. (Neeson) investigating a murder.  He gets unwanted help from the dead man’s sister (Pamela Anderson, who seems to be enjoying her recent career resurgence thanks to her performance in The Last Showgirl), who wants justice.  The trail eventually leads to an evil tech billionaire (Danny Huston) who has invented a device that will turn average citizens into crazed killers. 

The film contains plenty of hearty laughs sprinkled throughout the first hour or so.  Sadly, it starts to run out of gas in the last twenty minutes.  It’s here where the filmmakers seem to take the plot a little too seriously and try to wrap things up a little too neatly.  That said, there is one scene in this movie that is without a doubt one of the funniest sequences of the 21st century.  I wouldn’t spoil it for you for a million bucks.  All I’ll say is that it’s quite possibly the most hysterical romantic interlude montages of all time.  If that doesn’t make you want to see it, I don’t know what to tell you. 

NO HARD FEELINGS (2023) ***

Strapped for cash, Maddie (Jennifer Lawrence) answers an odd online ad placed by a wealthy couple to “date” their awkward virginal teenage son Percy (Andrew Barth Feldman) in exchange for a car.  When Maddie sets out to seduce him, she is surprised that Percy actually wants to get to know her first before they seal the deal. 

I’ve long admired Lawrence for her fearlessness.  Her performance in mother! is among my all-time favorites.  In No Hard Feelings, she gives us one of the most memorable nude scenes in recent history.  Things begin innocently enough with her and her young suitor skinny-dipping when some drunk teens decide to steal their clothes.  Up until now, we have only seen her bare back and shoulders.  However, when the kids begin to run off with their clothes, she comes storming off the beach full frontal and proceeds to kick their ass.  It’s not only one of the best nude scenes in the past few years, it’s also one of the best fight sequences. 

Like the best raunchy comedies, there are genuine character moments here that help endear our heroine to the audience.  She just wants to save her house.  Since she is a local in a resort town, the rich assholes who summer there are driving up the property taxes, which is relatable to me as someone who lives in a summer town year-round.  That sentiment is a nice reworking of the traditional slobs vs. snobs mentality of many ‘80s comedies. 

The fact that you have a woman in her thirties hanging out with a teenager also opens up some funny generation gap comedy.  One of the many highlights is when Lawrence crashes a high school party and the parents of the teen try to kick her out.  (“Do you think my son would have a party without our consent?”)  While the film follows the well-worn path of these kinds of sex comedies (it becomes more predictable in the third act once the kid eventually catches on that his parents put her up to it), it offers plenty of laughs along the way. 

Lawrence’s performance also helps to make it memorable.  Even if she didn’t have a nude fight scene, it would be still worth watching just for the scenes of her trying to pick up the hopelessly clueless kid.  Feldman is quite good too and the chemistry between the pair is genuine.  Because of that, No Hard Feelings is hard to resist.

THE LAST SHOWGIRL (2024) ***

The Last Showgirl is sort of like a blend of The Wrestler and Showgirls.  Pamela Anderson stars as an aging Vegas showgirl who receives word that the show she’s been a part of for so many years is coming to a close.  She uses the occasion to try to reconnect with her estranged daughter (Billie Lourd) and must eventually come to grips with her not-so promising future. 

Director Gia (Palo Alto) Coppola aims to give the audience an intimate portrait of an older woman at a turning point in her life.  She favors handheld camerawork and uses a lot of over-the-shoulder shots that lend the film a documentary feel.  The frank and claustrophobic backstage scenes also help take any kind of glamour you may associate with the occupation out of the equation. 

With her foul mouth and weathered, sun-damaged skin, Jamie Lee Curtis is a hoot as Anderson’s haggard looking best friend.  Even though Anderson got tons of glowing notices for her work here (and rightfully so), Curtis threatens to steal the movie out from under her at nearly every turn.  The hilarious/pathetic highlight is when she gets up in the middle of the casino and does an impromptu dance to “Total Eclipse of the Heart”.  She also gets some great lines like, “I’m not irresponsible.  I’m thinking about opening up an IRA!”  Dave Bautista is also quite good as the soft-spoken gentle giant backstage manager of the show, as is Kiernan Shipka as a young dancer who sees Anderson as a maternal figure.  Lourd gives a fine performance as well as her actual daughter, and Jason Schwartzman is great in a cameo as a sleazy director. 

Anderson is the heart of the movie.  This is easily her best performance, and proof she could be entering a new stage of her career.  It’s always nice to see someone the industry has more or less written off making a comeback like this and she deserves any accolades she gets. 

The movie itself is a little thin in spots.  Since it’s more of a slice of life kind of thing, it’s fairly easy to overlook.  It’s slight, but well-observed.  However, the performances are so good that it holds everything together. 

THE GIRL IN THE SPIDER’S WEB (2018) ** ½

While David Fincher’s remake of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo was a hit, it didn’t exactly live up to its lofty box office expectations.  Instead of letting Fincher cook and finish out the Steig Larsson Millennium trilogy, Sony decided to bring in Fede Alvarez and reboot the franchise from scratch.  (Fincher retains an Executive Producer credit, although something tells me it might’ve been one of those contractual deals.)  That might’ve sounded like a good idea at the time, seeing how Alvarez cannily rebooted The Evil Dead series, but this was a massive flop. 

The Crown’s Claire Foy takes over the role of Lisbeth Salander, who is now running around and blackmailing rich assholes who cheat and beat on their wives.  She gets paid to steal a computer program that can hack into nations’ defense systems and when some shadowy agents steal it from her, she sets out to steal it back.  Turns out the gang (called “The Spiders”) is ran by none other than her estranged sister (Sylvia Hoeks) who has a score to settle with Lisbeth. 

Foy is even more waifish than Rooney Mara was when she played Lisbeth and lacks the pizzazz Noomi Rapace brought to the role.  I also kind of missed Lisbeth’s typical punk rock look.  (Her close-cropped hair and leather outfit makes her look closer to Aeon Flux, which isn’t really a complaint, just an observation.)  That said, Foy still equips herself reasonably well, especially while getting into chase scenes on her motorcycle. Likewise, Sverrir Gudnason, who plays the new Mikael Blomkvist, isn’t a patch on Daniel Craig or Michael Nyqvist, but he isn’t too shabby, all things considered. 

To his credit, Alvarez gives the film a sense of style that honors Fincher but still manages to have its own voice.  It’s more action-oriented than the previous incarnations of the series, which is fine, but it is missing the goth detective vibe that made them so memorable.  It’s consistently watchable and moderately entertaining, although it's not exactly involving.  While it certainly has its moments (there’s a gnarly scene where a dude removes his prosthetic nose), you do have a sinking suspicion this was all a product of wringing blood from stone. 

TWISTED SEX VOL. 1 (1994) ****

Something Weird delivered a home run with this eye-popping bonanza of sexploitation trailers.  It contains more sleaze and depravity than you can shake a stick at.  Among the subgenres included are women in prison (Stefania), cheesecake model movies (Bunny Yeager’s Nude Las Vegas), nudie cuties (The Imp-Probable Mr. Weegee), roughies (The Hookers), nudist camp pictures (Girls Come Too), classy softcore fare (The Libertine), and Italian giallo thrillers (Bad Girls). 

Some of these titles may be familiar to you if you’re a fan of Something Weird releases (like Satan’s Bed starring none other than a pre-John Lennon Yoko Ono as “The virgin bride from the Orient!”), but there are a staggering number of movies here I have never heard of.  Trust me when I say I added a good dozen or so films to my watchlist after seeing them advertised here.  Twisted Sex Vol. 1 also gives us a tantalizing glimpse at a handful of lost movies.  The awesome looking MME Olga’s Massage Parlor (part of the Olga series) and the sexploitation flick A Weekend with Strangers (which is notable for being the film debut of Re-Animator’s David Gale) may be lost to time, but at least a few minutes of those films live on here in trailer form. 

Another highlight is Censored, a Barry Mahon flick that purports to show uncensored scenes that were too steamy for the general public, but it was in actuality a clever marketing gimmick.  Another Mahon production is the early transgender flick I was a Man that looks to be the missing link between Glen or Glenda and Let Me Die a Woman.  There’s also a trailer for a low budget skin flick called The King which features a potentially amazing scene where a woman has lesbian sex while wearing a Bela Lugosi mask.  The preview for Watch the Birdie is backed to the swinging sounds of “The Bird is the Word” by Rocky Roberts and the Airedales (which was also featured in the immortal the Wild Wild World of Jayne Mansfield) and contains an incredible looking death by toilet scene. 

There are also plenty of great taglines along the way.  Among my favorites were My Body Hungers (“See a sexual assault of a young girl in its entirety!”), Vapors (“Filmed by the new leader in underground filmmaking, Andy Milligan!”), and All Woman (“A bold look at Freudian realism!”).  All in all, this is one of Something Weird’s best trailer compilations, which is really saying something. 

The complete trailer rundown is as follows: The Immoral, Stefania, Strange Compulsion, The Weird Lovemakers, a double feature of Pussycats Paradise and A Trip Around the World, Bunny Yeager’s Nude Las Vegas, A Story of Eight Girls, The Imp-Probable Mr. Weegee, Forbidden Beauties, Nudes on the Rocks (AKA:  50,000 B.C. Before Clothing), Satan’s Bed, MME Olga’s Massage Parlor, Censored, A Good Time with a Bad Girl, My Body Hungers, The Hookers, Vapors, I was a Man, The Tomcat, All Woman, Submission, The Warm, Warm Bed, Ride the Wild Pink Horse, The King, Watch the Birdie, My Third Wife George, Girls Come Too, The Orgy of the Golden Nudes (AKA:  Honeymoon of Horror), Sextet, Tassle-a-Go-Go, Fanny Hill Meets Lady Chatterley, The Libertine, Camille 2000, Fanny Hill Meets the Red Baron, I a Woman Part 2, Fuego, The Brutes, A Weekend with Strangers, Bad Girls, The Girl Grabbers, Women for Sale, The Rape Killer, and Girl in Room 2A. 

JURASSIC WORLD: REBIRTH (2025) **

Jurassic World:  Rebirth is a tired and uninspired remix of Universal’s durable dinosaur franchise.  It’s the seventh entry in the series, and the cliches are beginning to feel as old as the dinosaurs themselves.  Even the original screenwriter David Koepp was unable to breathe life into this one.  (Incredibly enough, this is the third turd Koepp has written this year after the forgettable Presence and the weak Black Bag.)

This time, a greedy Big Pharma jackass (Rupert Friend) hires a mercenary (Scarlett Johansson) and her team to go to one of the Jurassic Park testing islands and retrieve blood samples from some dinosaurs that he can use to wipe out heart disease or some shit.  This set-up feels more like cut scenes from a video game.  In the first level, they have to find a dinosaur in the sea.  The second level, they need a dinosaur from the land.  And in the third, they have to contend with dinosaurs in the air. 

Adding to the movie’s woes is the subplot about a family who becomes shipwrecked on the island.  The crosscutting back and forth between Scar Jo and her team with the family in peril causes the film to lose much of its momentum.  I think either of these plots could have worked on their own.  (Think Swiss Family Robinson, but with dinosaurs.)  Having both just bogs things down. 

One of the biggest disappointments is the dinosaurs themselves.  About halfway through the movie, someone mentions that the island is supposedly inhabited by mutant dinosaurs, but they mostly look like the same shit we’ve seen in the other movies.  The “big bad” dino just looks like he’s got a big scrotum on his forehead.  He only shows up for the last reel though and is kind of underwhelming. 

Not only does the movie recycle elements and scenarios from the previous Jurassic Park movies, it rips off other Steven Spielberg films like Jaws (the whole mosasaurus sequence), E.T. (a little girl feeds a creature candy), and the Spielberg-produced Gremlins (said girl carries a baby dinosaur around in her backpack).  It’s also a shame that the film conveniently writes off the lone intriguing element from the Jurassic World series (the humans being forced to share the planet with the dinosaurs) by having most of the dinosaurs dying off or fleeing to the equator.  Because of that, the film feels more like a reboot than a continuation.  Put another way, Rebirth is more like an afterbirth. 

TEENAGE BIKERS (1977) ***

Teenage Bikers begins with a scene of people riding motorcycles set to the tune of “Born to Be Wild”.  (Easy Rider eat your heart out!).  Then the plot begins.  And by “plot”, I mean ‘70s porn stars wearing denim vests fuck while surrounded by biker paraphernalia. 

First, we see everyone’s favorite hardcore lunatic Jamie Gillis banging a biker mama in a public restroom.  Then, Vanessa del Rio gets so hot and horny that she begs a biker to fuck her in the ass.  Meanwhile, Bobby Astyr is getting busy bumping uglies with his old lady. 

These scenes might’ve worked better had the filmmakers allowed them to play out from start to finish as three separate sequences.  Instead, they cut back and forth between the three couplings, which kind of lessens the impact.  Then again, the fact that Gillis’ scene culminates with him receiving a golden shower and del Rio’s begins with her pulling a chain out of her pussy (And I don’t mean like a slim necklace or something.  I’m talking about some heavy-duty Jacob Marley-type shit.), they are, at the very least, memorable.

While Aster’s scene is far less noteworthy, the next sequence where he bangs del Rio and his girlfriend on the back of his hog is good for a hearty laugh or two.  That’s mostly because it’s set to the tune of the theme from Shaft.  At first, you may think it’s weird to steal this particular needle drop as Astyr is not a black private dick (although he is a sex machine to at least a few of the chicks).  It’s not until you realize that a majority of the scene focuses on Astyr’s shaft being sucked, that it begins to make some kind of sense. 

There’s also a great bit where a biker babe dreams about looking at a poster of Peter Fonda from Easy Rider when Gillis and another guy crash their motorcycle through the wall and proceed to double team her. 

One complaint I had is that it ends with the bikers going to an orgy that is never shown.  Oh, and no one in the cast looks remotely close to being a teenager.  Maybe that’s why the alternate title, Sex Bikers is more prevalent.  These problems are minor in the long run though.  If sex and motorcycles are your thing, then Teenage Bikers will likely rev your engine. 

AKA:  Sex Bikers.  AKA:  Young Bikers.

SEX-O-PHRENIA (1970) ***

Rene Bond stars as a lonely housewife who is suffering from cripplingly powerful sexual fantasies.  Whenever she just thinks about sex, she has to strip down and pleasure herself.  After her husband spurns her sexual advances, she goes out and picks up a wino from the gutter and brings him back to their garage to bang.  When he fails to satisfy her, Rene uses his wine bottle to get off!  Later, she seduces her next-door neighbor on the kitchen floor, but much to his chagrin, his wife catches them in the act.  Bond then further spirals headlong into a sexual frenzy with little hope of finding a cure. 

Sex-O-Phrenia is a surprisingly fun skin flick that is packed with amusing moments.  Things kick off with a funny opening when a doctor miraculously appears in Bond’s living room and addresses the audience about her titular condition.  There’s also an odd scene where the camera keeps cutting away from Bond making love to two dead roaches. 

Bond gives an excellent performance in this.  She’s equally good during her dramatic scenes where she is trying to get her disinterested husband to notice her as she is in her sex scenes.  Speaking of which, there’s a hot scene where Bond uses a vibrator while having a sexual fantasy.  I also thought it was a nice touch that whenever she is in the grips of her sexual compulsion, she is shown wearing Raggedy Ann-inspired make-up.  Fans of Bond will definitely want to give this a look as she is practically the whole show. 

It looks like it was at one time a hardcore porno, but some sneaky bastard took a pair of scissors to it and cut it all up.  (Well, there are some fleeting glimpses of near-hardcore footage.)  The relatively scant fifty-seven-minute running time kind of supports that theory.  It’s not any kind of forgotten classic by any means, but it is nice that the filmmakers attempted to at least broach the psychological aspects of sexual desire instead of just indifferently churning out another dirty movie. 

AKA:  Sexophrenia.

DARK ECHOES (1977) **

A hundred years ago, a boat sank in an Austrian lake.  Now, the place is supposedly haunted by the ghost of the vengeance-seeking boat captain.  Things go from bad to worse when villagers begin turning up dead.  Flummoxed, the local police call on the services of a psychic investigator from America (Joel Fabiani) to check the place out.  Along with a reporter (former Bond girl Karin Dor from You Only Live Twice), he does some digging before eventually coming face to face with the gruesome ghost. 

Dark Echoes was the sole writing and directing credit for the awesomely named George Robotham, who was a stuntman and bit player for most of his career.  He specialized in underwater sequences, which probably explains all the scuba diving scenes in the third act.  Fabiani’s extended underwater fight with the “ghost” is OK, but it doesn’t quite make up for the long, pointless slow-motion shots of him skiing early in the film though. 

The investigation scenes into the town’s past are rather pedestrian.  There’s definitely a Scooby-Doo kind of vibe going on as the skull-faced boat captain looks very much like the sort of villain of the week Shaggy and the gang would encounter.  (He was created by none other than Planet of the Apes’ John Chambers.)  The ghost attack sequences are decent enough I suppose, but the pacing is much too leisurely to build any real suspense.

The subplot about a witch and her coven of cult members performing a ritual in the town’s catacombs is kind of fun though, especially when they break out into a half-assed dance number.  It’s here where some of the frenzied ladies in the group slip in and out of their robes.  The nudity from these probably unknown actresses is the definite high point in what is an otherwise tepid horror flick.  Our hero’s frequent psychic episodes, which are accompanied by a humorous sounding sting on the soundtrack, are good for a chuckle or two, and there’s a hilariously bad decapitation in there as well.  Despite those quality moments, I’m sure Dark Echoes won’t reverberate with most viewers. 

AKA:  Dark Echo.

TRANSFORMERS ONE (2024) ****

This animated prequel to the beloved Hasbro toy line shows how Optimus Prime (the voice of Chris Hemsworth) and Megatron (the voice of Brian Tyree Henry) became mortal enemies.  They start off as the best of friends, working lowly mining jobs with Optimus generally causing trouble and Megatron having to bail him out.  Eventually, the duo learns that their leader, Sentinel Prime (the voice of Jon Hamm) has been lying to them and giving the planet’s resources to evil alien invaders.  With the help of Alpha Trion (the voice of Laurence Fishburne), they are able to unlock their transformation powers to save the planet. 

At first, it’s a little odd hearing the Transformers voiced by big Hollywood stars instead of the familiar voices from the old cartoon and live action films.   It also takes some time to get used to their new baby-faced appearance.  The good news is that feeling evaporates rather quickly as the script is witty, smart, and surprisingly heartfelt.

Plus, the animation is terrific.  It looks so good that it makes you wish Paramount would let the live action franchise finally die off so they could make this the main series.  (Fat chance since this was not a hit.)  The scenes set in the Transformer home planet look like a robot version of the city in The Fifth Element, and the action sequences are a blast too.  (The big race sequence is reminiscent of the pod race from The Phantom Menace.) 

The biggest surprise is that the characters (even though they are younger and brasher than the versions we grew up with) really pull you into the world.  The friendship between Optimus and Megatron is engaging, and when there is a rift between them, you genuinely feel it.  Megatron’s slow… ahem… transformation from cocky best friend to brooding villain is fully fleshed out and realized.  These kind of simple, yet effective characterizations are sorely lacking in the other incarnations of the franchise and seem downright Shakespearean compared to the live action movies. 

I’m actually shocked how much I enjoyed this.  It might even be better than Bumblebee.  It just goes to show there’s more to Transformers One than meets the eye. 

THE ORAL GENERATION (1973) ** ½

The Oral Generation purports to provide sexual education to the female viewer.  Seeing how an overwhelming amount of these kinds of films caters to the male audience, that’s kind of noble, I guess.  To back up that claim, the first sex scene is a long cunnilingus sequence focusing on the woman’s pleasure.  Next, we meet a housewife yearning to pleasure her husband orally who reads a book about giving head and then shows him what she learned.  Another woman fantasizes about going down on a black martial artist (his karate demonstration is humorously intercut with their lovemaking).  Then, a woman shows off her oral skills and, with a little aid from some petroleum jelly, helps her lover achieve a climax.  In the final segment, a bored housewife acquiesces to her husband’s desire to spice up their love life by allowing another woman into their bedroom. 

The movie begins with a cool look at 42nd Street where the theatre marquees advertise everything from The Bizarre Ones to a Godzilla triple feature.  Sadly, that’s about as seedy as it gets.  The Oral Generation is more of a “white coater” as it provides the audience hardcore action under the guise of “sex education”.  (We are shown many “how to” manuals and hear about laws prohibiting certain types of sexual activity.)  The dry, clinically accurate (for the time) narration enhances the educational feeling, but it consequently prevents the proceedings from getting too sexy. 

Overall, The Oral Generation is a moderately successful hardcore flick.  True to its title, it features a heavy concentration of oral scenes.  Although none of them are exactly high caliber (the nutty Kung Fu scene is at least memorable), there are certainly plenty of them to go around.  Because of that, fans with an oral fixation will no doubt walk away satisfied by this one.  Other folks will probably wish there was a little more variety on hand. 

According to IMDb, director Richard Franklin is apparently not the same Richard Franklin who made Fantasm (and Psycho 2).

POPEYE’S REVENGE (2025) ** ½

First, it was Winnie-the-Pooh.  Then, it was Mickey Mouse.  Now, it’s Popeye’s turn to star in his own low budget public domain slasher movie. 

Like Winnie-the-Pooh:  Blood and Honey, Popeye’s Revenge kicks off with a crummy animated backstory for our titular slasher.  And like Blood and Honey, it’s a British production.  I wonder how come it’s always the Brits who are getting first dibs on American public domain characters and turning them into low budget slashers.  Maybe it’s payback for that whole Revolutionary War thing.

Anyway, Popeye is born with freakish forearms.  As a child, he is bullied and kills his tormentor.  A mob soon forms and sends the little tyke scurrying to the bottom of a nearby lake.  Fifteen years later, a trio of YouTubers come to the lake to make a video about him and are promptly killed off.  Meanwhile, some teens head to Popeye’s house with the intention of turning it into a haunted attraction, unaware that he is lurking about. 

Well blow me down, this wasn’t nearly as bad as I was expecting. 

This version of Popeye is basically Jason in a sailor suit (and large forearms) as he kills anyone who fornicates around his lake.  Like Jason in Friday the 13th Part 3, he also crushes people’s skulls with his bare hands until their eyes pop out.  Popeye indeed.  Unlike other screen Popeyes, he doesn’t sing any Harry Nilsson songs, which gives him the slight edge over Robin Williams’ interpretation of the character. 

It may be a stupid public domain slasher, but it delivers on the gore and T & A, so what more can you really ask?  Popeye bludgeons people with an anchor, stomps on skulls, puts his fist through someone’s chest, and runs over someone with an industrial grade lawnmower.  He also does a little Predator style action when he rips someone’s spine out, and there’s a Zombie-inspired splinter in the eye gag too.  The standout scene though is when Popeye catches a dude jerking off and slams his anchor right into the poor guy’s junk mid-stroke. 

There’s another great moment where he kills Atlanta Moreno while she’s relaxing topless in a hot tub.  Moreno has one of the most memorable physiques I’ve seen in some time.  It’s just a shame she gets offed about halfway through.  Oh, and did I mention Olive Oyl is in it too?  She’s kind of like his groupie that hangs around and spooks the potential victims before Popeye shows up. 

The filmmakers did miss a bet by not making spinach an important plot point though.  Aside from finding an empty can, Popeye’s favorite vegetable doesn’t really come into play.  I was hoping he was going to get killed by the Final Girl but then ate some spinach and became freakishly strong or some shit.  Oh well. 

I did find it hilarious that when these filmmakers exploit a character that is in the public domain, they put their copyright in bold lettering on the title screen so no one can do the same thing to them for another ninety-five years. 

While it’s only seventy-nine minutes long, it does get a little bogged down in the final reel.  The last-minute backstory that cribs from A Nightmare on Elm Street was kind of unnecessary too.  Sure, Popeye’s Revenge isn’t exactly strong to the finish, but as far as these things go, you can do a lot worse. 

THE MONKEY (2025) *** ½

Osgood Perkins’ movies have always left me cold.  Nevertheless, I couldn’t help but be curious when I learned he was making a big screen version of the Stephen King short story, The Monkey.  The tale had already been (unofficially) adapted as notoriously shitty The Devil’s Gift, so even with Perkins at the helm, it had to be an upgrade from that flick.  The good news is The Monkey is a lot of fun.  Unlike Perkins’ previous efforts, it doesn’t take itself too seriously and has a dark sense of humor that’s often very funny.  Plus, it’s gory as all get out which is always welcome. 

Twin brothers Hal and Bill (Christian Convery) find a wind-up monkey in their dad’s closet and soon learn whenever it beats its drum, someone dies.  They quickly decide to get rid of it and throw it down a well.  Twenty-five years later, they grow up to be played by Theo James.  When a rash of ghoulish accidents plague their hometown, Hal returns to find Bill has been using the monkey to kill people. 

James is solid in the lead, but it’s the supporting cast who steal the show.  Adam Scott is funny as the father seen in flashback who frantically tries to get rid of the monkey.  Tatiana Maslany is also funny as the boys’ mother, Elijah Wood hams it up as a self-help guru, and Perkins himself gets some laughs as the boys’ creepy uncle. 

The death scenes have a Final Destination kind of vibe as they involve mishaps with a speargun, a hibachi chef, a gas stove, a swimming pool, a shotgun, a vape, and a hornets’ nest.  Guts are torn out, heads are lopped off, faces are set on fire, and bodies explode.  You know, the good shit.  There are also some funny scenes peppered along the way like a young priest giving a thoroughly awful eulogy. 

In short, The Monkey is gory, goofy fun from start to finish.  It’s easily Perkins’ best film by a country mile.  If he can turn out another banger like this one, I’d consider myself a fan. 

THE 15:17 TO PARIS (2018) **

In 2015, three American servicemen traveling through Europe stopped a terror attack aboard a train.  That’s the kind of story Hollywood loves to make a movie about.  Only a guy like Clint Eastwood would cast the real-life heroes as themselves. 

This sort of thing has a precedent, but you have to go back to the ‘50s when war hero Audie Murphy played himself in To Hell and Back.  (Something tells me these guys won’t have the same kind of career as Murphy had.)  The cheeseball sentiment that permeates the film feels like it came out of the ‘50s too.  All of this is well-intentioned to be sure, but it’s never quite successful. 

The first act flashbacks of the real-life heroes growing up play like a bad After School Special.  These scenes are oddly paced and feel more like filler than anything.  (The scenes with them in gym class where they wear camouflage shirts while everyone else wears a uniform so you can pick them out of the group are unintentionally funny.)  The second act is somewhat better, but it too often feels like an extended travelogue of Europe.  As noble and brave as these guys are, I don’t really need to see their vacation videos (and dramatized ones at that).

The act of heroism doesn’t occur till the very end and even then, it’s over pretty quickly.  I will say it is legitimately suspenseful, even if you know the outcome.  (What’s impressive is that the three friends spend more time tending to the wounded till help arrives than they do taking down the gunman.)  Until those closing moments, it’s kind of a slog. 

As far as the three stars go, I think I can give them a pass.  They equip themselves as well as can be expected, especially for nonprofessional actors.  While I’m sure “real” actors could’ve done it “better”, it’s easy to see why Eastwood thought they were the right men for the job.  However, the fact that we have recognizable stars like Judy Greer and Jenna Fischer playing two of their moms kind of throws off the “reality” Eastwood is trying to capture.  The rest of the supporting cast is mostly made up of actors known for their comic chops, which is kind of odd.  We have Thomas Lennon as the kids’ principal, Tony Hale as their gym teacher, and Jaleel White as their teacher.  I never thought I’d live to see the day when Dirty Harry directed Urkel in a movie, but here we are. 

SUPER SEX (1986) ***

A psychotherapist sets out to help women who can only achieve sexual fulfillment in their dreams.  By “help”, I just mean he listens to them talk about their dreams while we watch their fantasies come alive for the camera.  One gal gets banged in the shower by her boyfriend, another has a threesome with her parents, and there’s even a patient who dreams of possessing Nina Hartley so she can fuck her husband.  The doctor eventually hits on a surefire method to cure his patients of their dreams…  Bang them right on his couch!  (I wonder if it’s covered by insurance or not.) 

Directed by Carlos (Pulsating Flesh) Tobalina, Super Sex has a sturdy structure that’s ideal to frame several sex scenes upon.  In fact, Tobalina pretty much abandons the structure in the third act as most of the last twenty minutes or so is devoted to a string of scenes of the doctor and his colleagues balling their patients.  The scenes themselves vary in quality and almost all of them are way too brief to really build much momentum, but they more than make up for it in sheer volume.

The highlight is the finale where a shrink helps Jeannie Pepper find her ideal man.  The scene where Tobalina uses jump cuts to show the horny patient is inhabiting the body of Hartley is surprisingly well done too, especially given the limited means at his disposal.  (For whatever reason, the two biggest stars in the movie, Hartley and Pepper aren’t even listed in the opening credits.)  Also, the sex scenes include plenty of three-ways and if you’re a fan of that sort of thing (Devil’s Triangle or otherwise), you should enjoy it.  (If you have a couch fetish, this will easily get Four Stars as nearly all the sex scenes occur on the therapists’ couches.)

Overall, Super Sex doesn’t exactly live up to its title but it’s certainly a better than average fuck flick.  Plus, the scenes are all filmed and choreographed in a solid manner.  Well… for a Carlos Tobalina flick, that is. 

JOURNEY TO FREEDOM (1957) *

Before he collaborated with Ed Wood on the immortal classics, Orgy of the Dead and Fugitive Girls, Stephen C. Apostolof produced this boring refugee drama.  As a bonus, it also features another Ed Wood associate, Tor Johnson, in a small role.  It was also shot by Wood’s usual cinematographer, William C. Thompson. Robert C. Dertano was the director, but it’s a far cry from his fun wrestling women melodrama, Racket Girls. 

Stephan (Jacques Scott) is a political prisoner in Bulgaria who is jailed by the communist regime for inciting a riot.  With the help of some pals, he breaks out of prison and heads to Turkey where he gets a job playing piano in a dive bar.  Then, it’s off to Paris where he joins the Resistance by broadcasting on Radio Free Europe.  Eventually, he makes his way to America where he settles down and gets married, but it isn’t long before his old enemies rear their ugly heads and frame him for murder. 

The story no doubt resonated with Apostolof (he co-wrote the script) as he himself was a Bulgarian refugee.  However, he sorely misread the need for this film as Joe Average American moviegoer doesn’t give a fuck about Bulgaria.  Then again, it might’ve helped if Journey to Freedom was… you know… good. 

The overuse of stock footage for the opening riot is very Woodian, as is the constant (and sometimes confusing) narration supplied by the villain who drops in during nearly every scene to remind the audience he’s closing in on our main character.  Despite the Wood connection, the movie it reminded me the most of was Coleman Francis’ Red Zone Cuba, which is less than a ringing endorsement to be sure.  While that film was spectacularly inept, this one is mostly just deadly dull. 

Tor is memorable as an angry Turk who picks a fight with our piano playing hero.  He’s the only bright spot in an otherwise dreary and forgettable picture.  Too bad he’s only in one scene. 

In short, this is one journey not worth taking. 

BLACK BAG (2025) **

Michael Fassbender stars in this dreary spy thriller from director Steven Soderbergh as a government agent who is given one week to flush out a traitor in the organization.  He must proceed with caution when he learns that one of the suspects is none other than his wife (Cate Blanchett), who is also a spy in the same bureau.  He eventually comes to the conclusion that they are both pawns in a larger scheme. 

For a movie about a husband suspecting his wife of treason, there doesn’t seem to be much immediacy to the situation and there’s very little suspense to boot.  Soderbergh’s cold and detached handling of the material doesn’t do it any favors either as the film is a sterile and often joyless experience.  There’s something to be said for a spy picture with a dry sense of humor about it, but Black Bag is humorless and downright arid most of the time. 

It’s a shame Black Bag is such a dud because the pairing of Fassbender and Blanchett had potential.  They are thrilling to watch separately in other films.   While they have flashes of chemistry here and there; they never really connect with each other or the audience.  That’s more the fault of the script than anything as the flick is often a slow moving, lumbering slog.  The supporting cast including Rege-Jean Page and Naomie Harriis do what they can, but most of them never speak above a stern whisper.  It is cool seeing James Bond himself, Pierce Brosnan as Fassbender’s boss though, even if he’s not given much to work with. 

From Jurassic Park to Snake Eyes to Spider-Man, David Koepp’s scripts are usually crackling good, but this one is strangely inert and uninvolving.  Soderbergh gives the film a muted visual palate that is reminiscent of ‘70s thrillers.  The finished product comes off looking rather drab and unmemorable, much like the film itself.  Soderbergh and Koepp also collaborated on the ghost flick Presence (which was almost as blah as this one) the same year.  

Fassbender gets the best line of the movie while giving an associate a polygraph tests and asks her, “Will you please release your sphincter muscle?”