MYSTERIOUS ISLAND OF BEAUTIFUL WOMEN (1979) **

Peter Lawford is a wealthy industrialist who is using his private plane to get an injured worker (Michael McGreevey, from the Dexter Riley movies) to a hospital.  The pilot (Sandy McPeak) gets them hopelessly lost so when they run low of fuel, they have to land on an uncharted island.  They soon learn the place is inhabited solely by women.  Lizbeth (Jaime Lyn Bower) rules the women with an iron fist and takes orders from a divine spirit known only as “Sister”.  She allows the men to stay only if they agree to fight off some nasty “head choppers" who periodically pillage the island.  Naturally, the co-pilot (Steven Keats, from Death Wish) falls head over heels for one of the natives, which causes a power struggle among the women.

Even for a ‘70s Made for TV movie, Mysterious Island of Beautiful Women is a slow and uneventful affair.  Once the men find their way to the island, there isn’t a whole lot for them to do except make doe eyes at the natives.  The identity of Lizbeth’s supernatural deity is predictable, and the explanation is overly long-winded.  (I mean, what would a ‘70s Made for TV be without a lot of gratuitous padding?)

The cast makes it watchable.  Lawford seems to be having a good time surrounded by beautiful women and Keats does a fine job as the most levelheaded male in the bunch.  Clint (Killdozer) Walker is probably the most memorable as the muscle-bound passenger with a giant chip on his shoulder.  Of the native women, Kathryn Davis fares best as the blond-haired “Snow” who gets a crush on Keats.  It’s unfortunate she only starred in one more movie because she is quite fetching.  We also have Jayne (Body and Soul) Kennedy as the lone black woman of the tribe named “Chocolate”.

The script was co-written by Gary Sherman, who was a few years away from his magnum opus, Vice Squad. 

AKA:  Island of Sister Theresa.  

EXTRACTION (2015) ***

Bruce Willis stars (and by “stars” I mean he filmed all his scenes in one day and mostly appears at the very beginning and end of the movie) as a secret agent who is kidnapped by terrorists.  If their demands aren’t met, they’ll use their MacGuffin to cripple the world’s computers or something.  Kellan Lutz is Willis’ son, a desk jockey at the CIA who can’t seem to pass his Fed Final Exam.  Once he learns his dad has been kidnapped, he teams up with his ex-girlfriend (Gina Carano), who also happens to be a field operative to rescue him and save the world.

Extraction is your typical “Let's Rescue My Dad from an Abandoned Warehouse” movie.  Lutz is a capable, if unexceptional leading man, but equips himself nicely in the action scenes.  Carano does a fine job too and they have enough chemistry together to keep you watching.  In fact, this is one of the few times where she gets to exhibit her A) Immense physical prowess B) Acting range and C) A little bit of sexuality.

Bruce may be working on limited screen time, but he still manages to leave an impression.  Although he’s been going to the DTV well quite often in recent years, he refuses to phone it in here.  He has a nice rapport with both Lutz and Carano, and you wish there was more of him to go around.  

Director Steven C. (Arsenal) Miller does a solid job overall.  He handles the car chases and shootouts capably enough and while there are a few instances of shaky-cam during the fight scenes, it’s not nearly enough to derail the film.  Miller certainly knows how to keep things moving.  Extraction runs a lean 82 minutes and moves at a lightning pace.  I can’t say it’s a classic or anything, but it’s one of Bruce’s best DTV efforts.

CASTLE OF BLOOD (1964) ** ½

A reporter (Georges Riviere) meets Edgar Allan Poe (Montgomery Glenn) in a bar for an interview.  A lord (Raul H. Newman) interrupts and offers the reporter a bet that can’t spend the night in his creepy castle.  When he gets there, he finds the place inhabited by the sexy Elisabeth (Barbara Steele), who falls immediately in love with him.  Elisabeth’s sister (Margrete Robsahm) seems jealous of her new beau, but is she really making a play for the hapless reporter, or is she trying to save him from a fate worse than death?

Director Anthony M. Margheriti was trying to capitalize on the success of Mario Bava’s Black Sunday.  He apes Bava’s style adequately enough and gives the film a healthy dose of atmosphere.  Fog-drenched sets, cobwebbed hallways, and candlelit studies abound.  The scene inside the creepy crypt is sure to give fans of Black Sunday a sense of déjà vu.  

As an exercise in style, it works, but as a horror film, it’s a little uneven.  The appearance of a skull-faced ghoul that suddenly moves is rather effective and there’s a surprising bit of nudity too. The assorted murders, ghosts, and supernatural happenings are a tad on the predictable side though.  (One plot device even plays like a gothic horror variation on A Christmas Carol.)  I could’ve also done without the scene where a snake’s head is chopped off.  

Steele is easily the best thing about the movie.  She looks terrific and her sultry demeanor makes the slow passages worthwhile.  Margrete Robsahm is a solid foil for Steele and they are especially good in the scenes where they act out their sibling rivalry.  Georges Riviere is a bit of a dullard though, and the many sequences where looks endlessly down hallways and staircases for Steele get repetitive.  

Margheriti later remade this as Web of the Spider.

AKA:  Castle of Terror.  AKA:  Long Night of Terror.

LUCK-KEY (2016) *** ½

Jae-sung (Joon Lee) is a suicidal actor who stumbles upon an unconscious man (Hae-jin Yoo) in a bathhouse.  Eager for a new life, Jae-sung switches locker keys with the man, who judging by his clothes and car appears to be extremely wealthy.  When the guy finally comes around, he’s suffering from amnesia and accepts his new life as a struggling actor easily enough.  Jae-sung on the other hand slowly realizes his new identity isn’t what it appears to be.  He eventually figures out he’s a hitman and that his target is his next-door neighbor, a girl he’s already fallen head over heels for.  

From the set-up, you’d fully expect Luck-Key to be an obvious action comedy, but there’s surprisingly little action in it.  Much of the film is dependent on the two men growing into their new identities.  Predictably, they have to find each other and work together to straighten their lives out in the third act.  Even these scenes refuse to give into convention and cliché, managing to surprise the audience at every turn.

The performances are solid across the board.  We spend a great deal of time with both Lee and Yoo and get to know what makes their characters tick.  When Yoo’s career starts taking off, we’re rooting for him, even though we know he’ll have to get back to his job as a hitman eventually.

Although the dual struggles between the characters is often amusing, honestly this runs about ten minutes too long.  Some of the Meet Cute stuff with the heroes’ respective girlfriends sometimes drags the pace down and could’ve easily been trimmed.  However, this is a relatively minor quibble in the long run.

Luck-Key is proof that you don’t need a lot of action and violence to keep a plot about a hitman afloat.  In fact, it’s the lengths Yoo goes through to NOT kill anyone that makes his character so endearing.  This is the rare movie in which the humor comes out of the characters’ decisions and conflicting personalities.  Maybe more Hollywood productions should take a cue from it.

AKA:  Key of Life.

EXHUMED FILMS: 20 YEARS OF TERROR (2017) ***

I’ve never been to one of Exhumed Films’ all-night horror marathons or special screenings of long-lost cult classics.  This trailer compilation is a sampler of movies they’ve shown throughout the years.  For folks like me who haven’t been able to attend their shows, this is the next best thing.  While it’s certainly fun watching this at home, I can only imagine how it would play to a packed house. 

There are trailers for plenty of classic horror films and fan favorites.  Several of the genre’s top filmmakers are featured, with John Carpenter being the best represented with trailers for Assault on Precinct 13, Dark Star, and Halloween.  Even though trailers for such films as Last House on the Left, Phantasm, and Zombie have appeared on other trailer compilations over the years, it’s still good to see them again.  

If you’re a fan of trailer compilations like me, you’ll love seeing some of the more obscure titles.  The trailers for Monstrosity, The Night Daniel Died, and The Satanist sure piqued my curiosity.  I was also glad to see plenty of trailers for 3-D movies like Dynasty, Metalstorm:  The Destruction of Jared-Syn, and Treasure of the Four Crowns, but the one for Comin’ at Ya was truly something special.  One area that made this compilation different was its inclusion of films from the ‘90s like Dead-Alive, Candyman, and Naked Lunch.  I hope it’s a trend that continues in trailer compilations to come.

The ninety-minute running time feels a little brief.  Maybe that’s just because I’ve gotten so spoiled with the Trailer Trauma Blu-rays in recent years.  Still, it’s worth it just for the Beyond the Valley of the Dolls trailer alone.

THE BOSS (1973) **

Henry Silva stars as a hit man who in the opening scene, gets the drop on a bunch of gangsters and blows them up while they're watching a skin flick.  This sequence is dirty, mean, and violent and gets things off to a rollicking start.  Too bad nothing else in the rest of the picture can top it.  It’s always a shame when a movie blows its wad right from the get-go.

The gangsters retaliate by kidnapping the daughter of Silva’s mob boss.  They hold her captive and repeatedly rape her.  The thing is, she’s a nymphomaniac and loves the attention.  When Silvia rescues her, she comes on to him and she’s such a fantastic lay that he decides he wants to keep her for himself.  He then sets out to take down her father and become the new mafia boss.

Despite the excellent opening scene, The Boss is a dreary and dull gangster picture.  The constant double-crossing gets tiresome almost immediately and none of the drama with the warring mobsters is very interesting.  The action sequences are few and far between and they do little to spice things up.  There’s one cool stunt where Silva drives directly through a car, effectively cutting it in half, but that’s about it.  Although the nympho subplot helps to make it memorable, this is definitely the weakest film in director Fernando Di Leo’s Milieu Trilogy.

AKA:  Murder Inferno.  AKA:  Wipeout!

TARANTULAS: THE DEADLY CARGO (1977) **

Two pilots bringing coffee beans from Ecuador into the country get a nasty surprise when hundreds of poisonous tarantulas sneak aboard their plane.  We eventually learn they're not really tarantulas, but banana spiders.  I guess Banana Spiders:  The Deadly Cargo just doesn't have the same ring to it.  Anyway, the spiders kill everyone on board before making their way to a small town to terrorize the population.

Like all ‘70s Animals Run Amok movies, the mayor is worried that the titular animals will ruin the town’s big day.  In this case, it’s shipping out oranges that are vital to the town’s economy.  It’s then up to fire chief Claude Akins to kill the spiders without damaging the orange crop. 

There’s one memorable, odd moment when two characters have a champagne picnic overlooking the town’s "School for Autistic Children".  Seriously, is that your idea of romance?  I don’t think this guy had much of a chance getting past first base if you ask me.  Thankfully, the children aren’t put in any peril from the spiders, or the picnickers for that matter.  

The early scenes of the pilots bringing the spiders into the country are more fun than any of the nominal drama that happens in the town.  That’s mostly because the pilots are played by Tom Atkins and Howard Hesseman.  They show a lot more spunk and life than anyone else in the cast, that’s for sure.

Akins is OK as the square hero.  Bert Remsen is merely going through the motions though in the thinly-written role of the mayor.  Pat Hingle is also around as the crotchety town doctor and Deadly Friend’s Matthew Labyorteaux plays the token kid in jeopardy.

Like most of these Made for TV movies from the ‘70s, Tarantulas:  The Deadly Cargo is heavily padded to fit in its two-hour time slot.  The finale in which Akins sets out to destroy the spiders is particularly laborious and time-consuming.  It’s also far too tame to make much of an impact as the spider attack scenes lack… ahem… bite.