BUCKY’S ‘70S TRIPLE XXX MOVIE HOUSE TRAILERS VOL. 8 (1997) ***

This eighth iteration of Something Weird’s collection of adult film trailers is nearly two hours of unshaved, grimy, sleazy goodness.  Many of the trailers are for movies I had never heard of, which makes them ripe for discovery.  Fear not, for there are a few titles here that are household names (at least in my household) so you don’t have to necessarily be a porn scholar to enjoy it.  

Here’s a rundown of all the trailers you’ll find on the collection.  Because of the sheer length, there are bound to be a few clunkers in the bunch.  However, I’ll be sure to give special time to the ones that are particularly memorable (or were just downright weird).

The compilation kicks off with a wild trailer for Suzie’s Take Out Service.  Not only does it feature a lot of interracial action, it amusingly borrows (okay, flat-out steals) the guitar solo from The Rolling Stones’ “Can’t Ya Hear Me Knocking?” and uses it as background music.  This is followed by a trailer for Passion Parlour [sic] and the awesome looking Sweet Sexteen, which makes the odd claim, “Why not even shit digging is overlooked!”)  This is followed by trailers for The Sensualists, The Young Starlets, Virgin Snow (“You can get sucked off on a ski lift just as easily as at the drive-in!”), The Candy Store (which bizarrely assures us, “This isn’t an ethnic picture!”), Weekend Roulette (featuring a game of strip Twister), The Swing Thing, The Naked Nympho, The Female Vacume [sic] Cleaner, Neighborhood Doctor, Sexual Freedom in the Ozarks (a clever play on Sexual Freedom in Denmark), Teenage Cowgirls, Little Sister (advertised as a “sound synch version”), Swing High, and The Most Valuable Pussy.  

The trailer for Reflections has some fast-cutting editing that makes it look like a horror movie along with some choice sound bites like, “Since when is it bad to have sex with members of your family?”  Sex in the Comics features the male performers in weird cartoonish make-up on to recreate the comic strips from “Tijuana Bibles”, but the result is just downright bizarre.  Voices of Desire’s trailer has a cool kind of Hitchcock vibe to it and might be worth checking out because it stars Sandra Peabody from Last House on the Left.  

Trailers for The Producer’s Wife and Teacher’s Pets follow before one of the crown jewels in the collection unspools.  Lialeh is a black-themed story about a pimp trying to arrange an erotic musical that contains an outrageous moment when he forces a hot dog (still in the bun) up inside a woman.  This is definitely one I’ve got to track down.  This is followed by Revenge and Punishment (an S & M tale narrated by a sexy black dominatrix), Cheryl’s Surrender, and a grungy looking roughie called Revenge of the Motorcycle Mama.  I think the next one was for something called Come Kissing, but it’s hard to tell because there was no title shot in the trailer.  (It does feature some hot food play with honey and whipped cream though.)  

A trailer for Sweet White Dream precedes a long, in-depth preview for the classic Behind the Green Door, starring Marilyn Chambers.  I liked how they tried to compare it to an art movie and the narrator says “The actors give strength and characterization to their roles” as if that’s something the raincoat crowd cared about.  Rounding out the compilation are trailers for Kathy’s Graduation Present (which features some good group sex scenes), Resurrection of Eve (another Marilyn Chambers epic), Ray Dennis (The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies) Steckler’s Teenage Hustler (“How far down can one girl go?  YOU’LL FIND OUT when you see Teenage Hustler!”), and Hallucinations (“11 wet shots in one big movie!”).  

After the trailers are over, there were a couple of cool Something Weird promos I’d never seen before.  One was set to the tune of “The Right Kind of Loving” from Michael Findlay’s Flesh trilogy and the other showcased a lot of their vintage striptease reels.  Both were a welcome change from the usual (but totally awesome) ad that usually opens their movies.

SARTANA’S HERE… TRADE YOUR PISTOL FOR A COFFIN (1970) ***

George Hilton takes over for Gianni Garko in this fifth and final Sartana adventure.  Hilton is kind of like Roger Moore to Garko’s Sean Connery.  He’s quicker with a joke and doesn’t seem to be taking it all too seriously.  He also gets a variety of goofy (but cool) gadgets and gimmicks that help endear him to the audience.  There’s a great scene early on where he kills a bunch of guys with a gun hidden in a loaf of bread (he calls it a “Sandwich gun”) that perfectly sets the tone for what’s to come.  

Spencer (Piero Lulli) is the crooked owner of a mining town who chisels prospectors out of their profits by keeping the gold dust for himself.  Sartana makes an uneasy alliance with the no-good Mantas (Nello Pazzafini) to rob his office and clean him out.  Double and triple-crosses abound, but things get even more complicated when another gunfighter, Sabbath (Charles Southwood) enters the fray.

The plot is merely a riff on similar themes found in the other Sartana pictures, but director Giuliano Carnimeo mines plenty of humor out of the scenario to make this one of the more entertaining films in the series.  The plot is also reminiscent of the previous Hilton/Carnimeo team-up, The Moment to Kill, except it’s slicker, faster paced, and much more fun than that film.  I was particularly impressed with Carnimeo’s inventive camerawork during a tense poker game that helped up the stakes both dramatically and in the game. 

Trade Your Pistol for a Coffin has all the scenes of Sartana one-upping the bad guys in inventive ways that you’ve come to expect from the series.  There’s a great moment where Sartana is taking a bath and some bad hombres get the drop on him, but he takes them out with a gun hidden in his boot.  I think my favorite bit though was when Sartana played checkers using full shot glasses as playing pieces.  Every time he jumps his opponent’s piece, they have to take the shot.  This is an awesome idea that I’m just dying to try at my next party. 

One thing that makes Trade Your Pistol for a Coffin different than the other Sartana movies is the use of the character Baxter Red.  In the other films, he’s the rich guy behind the plot who’s manipulating the other characters.  Here, he’s just the main villain’s henchman.  It’s a small change to the formula, but one worth mentioning.

The best addition to the mix is Sabbath.  He’s a badass “dandy” gunfighter who carries a frilly parasol with him wherever he goes.  Don’t let that fool you because he also has shotguns hidden in his saddle and isn’t afraid to use them.  Sartana’s final confrontation with Sabbath is just one of the movie’s many highlights.  I wouldn’t dream of spoiling just how it all plays out.  Southwood and Hilton have a lot of chemistry together and Erika (The Devil’s Nightmare) Blanc is a lot of fun as a backstabbing madam. 

AKA:  I am Sartana… Trade Your Guns for a Coffin.  AKA:  Sartana’s Coming, Get Your Coffins Ready.  AKA:  Fistful of Lead.

THE SHIP OF MONSTERS (1961) ****

This movie has everything.  Hot Venusian women coming to earth to mate with Earth men, robots, monsters, aliens, singing cowboys, sexy vampire women… You name it, The Ship of Monsters has it!  

Gamma (Ana Bertha Lepe) and Beta (Lorena Velazquez from Santo vs. the Vampire Women) are two sexy women from Venus who come to Earth to find men to repopulate their planet.  That right there is important to note.  In most Sci-Fi movies of the ‘50s and ‘60s, it’s the men who travel to Venus and find the women.  It’s that little attention to detail that lets you know you’re in for something special.

Almost immediately, the women run into Lauriano (Lalo Gonzalez), a singing cowboy with a penchant for telling tall tales.  Once they adjust to his language frequency, they use a Men in Black-type device to freeze him in mid-sentence just long enough so they can communicate back to the ship and learn from their robot what all his Earth lingo means.  (It’s kind of like Googling.)  Oh, by the way, the robot is similar to the one in Robot vs the Aztec Mummy, which makes it even better.

Anyway, Lauriano instantly falls head over heels for Gamma.  Since the Venusians don’t have a word in their dictionary for “love”, he shows her the definition.  This makes Beta insanely jealous, so she unleashes all the male specimens from the ship and orders them to attack the town.  These monsters are wild looking and include a brain guy, a cyclops (both of which later appeared in Santo and Blue Demon vs. the Monsters), a spider, and a skeleton with a dog-shaped face.  

Which brings us into a weird area.  I mean, the ladies were looking for mating specimens… right?  And these aliens are decidedly… not handsome.  Were they really desperate enough that they were going to bone a literal bone man?  How does that even work?  I don’t know and I don’t care because this movie rocks.  

You know, Ed Wood was probably kicking himself for not thinking up some of this stuff.  What I’m getting at is this is a B movie fan’s fever dream come true.  It’s easily one of the best Mexican Monster Mashes I’ve seen, second only to Santo and Blue Demon vs. the Monsters.  In short, this ship will send you into orbit.

THE MOMENT TO KILL (1968) * ½

Bounty hunter Lord (George Hilton) and his buddy Bull (Walter Barnes) get a job to track down a cache of Confederate gold.  Along the way, they wind up helping a wheelchair bound woman fend off some unsavory desperados.  Mistrust, backstabbing, and double crosses eventually follow. 

Directed by Giuliano (The Case of the Bloody Iris) Carnimeo, The Moment to Kill is a slow moving and dreary little heaping of Spaghetti Western.  It takes forever to get going, and the listless pacing and lethargic direction perpetually keep it from gaining any momentum.  Not even Hilton’s solid performance can keep it afloat.  His Mutt and Jeff routine with Barnes makes the film sometimes play like a Terence Hill/Bud Spencer movie, minus the laughs.

The Moment to Kill really only comes to life in the third act.  Then at least the sound of whizzing bullets can keep you from dozing off.  The shootout where Hilton hides behind sides of beef while shooting at the bad guys is kind of cool, I guess.  My favorite part though is when he ran out of bullets and resorted to throwing his spurs at his enemies like Ninja stars.  Too bad the constant plot twists pile on so fast in the end that it kind of gets in the way of the action.

Hilton and Carnimeo later teamed up for Sartana’s Here… Trade Your Pistol for a Coffin.

AKA:  The Moment of Killing.

THE NEW INVISIBLE MAN (1959) ** ½

This Mexican version of the H.G. Wells classic plays more like a remake of Universal’s The Invisible Man Returns (the Vincent Price one) than the original Claude Rains picture.  Carlos (Arturo de Cordova) is about to be married to Beatriz (Ana Luisa Peluffo) when he is framed for murder.  After he is arrested, Beatriz gets Luis (Augusto Benedico), Carlos’ scientist brother to create an invisibility formula.  Once invisible, Carlos escapes prison, eludes the police, and with the help of his fiancée, sets out to clear his name.  Naturally, the serum will eventually drive him insane, so his brother works frantically to find a cure.  Even after the men who framed him are properly dealt with, Carlos spirals into madness.  He even threatens to poison the city’s water supply if the citizens do not bow down before him and worship him like a god. 

The New Invisible Man is similar in a lot of ways to John Carpenter’s Memoirs of an Invisible Man.  There are brief moments of the Invisible Man having trouble adjusting to his invisible life that are reminiscent of that film.  (Since no one can see him, it makes it awkward to be in public places like crowded buses.)  Also, instead of the traditional bandages, this Invisible Man uses make-up in order to be seen by his fiancée, just like Chevy Chase.  This is a very cool scene as his face appears out of thin air a dab at a time (even if you can spot the seams). 

The rest of the Invisible Man effects are cheap but fun.  The big disappearing scene is nothing more than a dissolve of the actor’s face over some heavily starched clothing, which is good for a laugh.  The usual scenes of the Invisible Man smoking or carrying his luggage is done here again, with decidedly less panache than the Universal films.  The stuff with the scientist experimenting in the lab is pretty funny too as monkeys turn into skeletons and bunnies disappear before your very eyes.  There are also fun scenes of the Invisible Man stopping a pickpocket and beating up a thief.

While consistently amusing, The New Invisible Man never quite cuts loose.  It spends too much time retreading the old Universal movies when it should’ve been treading its own path.  The make-up sequence, and the finale where he finally goes batshit insane are memorable because they are as far away from the Claude Rains flick as you can get.  As a die-hard fan of Invisible Man movies, I have to say it was better than average, although the casual viewer will probably be left unimpressed.  

AKA:  The Invisible Man.  AKA:  The Invisible Man in Mexico.

SANTO VS. THE STRANGLER (1965) ** ½

Santo vs. the Strangler starts out like a combination of a Mexican Lawrence Welk knockoff, ESPN, and The Phantom of the Opera.  We see performers in a theater doing various musical numbers that are occasionally interrupted by El Santo wrestling in the ring.  Meanwhile, a masked killer known as The Strangler prowls around the rafters of the theater, waiting to claim his next victim.  When the detectives are unable to apprehend the murderer, they call in El Santo to bring down the killer.

At least I think that’s what happened.  The version I saw didn’t have any subtitles, so it didn’t make much sense.  I guess I’d somehow be disappointed if it did. 

If I had to choose, I’d say the earlier scenes are the most fun because of the non-stop barrage of music, wrestling, and zaniness.  The musical numbers are surprisingly entertaining.  There’s a Spanish version of “Fever” and, oddly a cover of “16 Tons” done in English.

The rest of the film is typically goofy.  El Santo has a Batcave type of lair and communicates with the detective through a giant TV monitor.  I also liked the fact that sometimes The Strangler looked like The Phantom of the Opera, and other times he sort of resembled Vincent Price in The House of Wax.  The scene where The Strangler tries to assassinate El Santo in the ring and accidentally shoots his opponent instead is a hoot.  (So, I guess that means El Santo wins?)  The subplot with the orphan kid stowing away in El Santo’s car gets a nice payoff too when he’s invited to the theater to sing “Blame it on the Bossa Nova”.

All of this is odd and silly for sure, but it’s also a tad uneven, slow moving, and sometimes dull.  It’s telling that the musical numbers are more memorable than the wrestling stuff.  I mean The Strangler isn’t a bad villain, it’s just that he pales in comparison next to some of El Santo’s weirder opponents.  That said, the unmasking of the killer scene in the finale is a ripe slice of hilarity and well worth the wait. 

AKA:  Santo Against the Strangler.  

I AM SARTANA YOUR ANGEL OF DEATH (1969) ** ½

Gianni Garko returns as Sartana in this intermittently amusing sequel to If You Meet Sartana Pray for Your Death.  This time out, Sartana is accused of robbing a bank, but it was actually a guy wearing Sartana’s trademark black suit and hat.  Pretty soon, there’s a hefty reward out for Sartana.  Among those looking to collect are a wily Native American tracker (Jose Torres), a down-on-his-luck card shark (Klaus Kinski, playing a different role than in the first movie), and a suave bounty hunter (Gordon Mitchell).  

I am Sartana Your Angel of Death isn’t as sharp or focused as its predecessor, but its rambling nature offers its own unique rewards.  The opening bank robbery is inventive and kicks the movie off in fine fashion.  There are also a few entertaining bits along the way, especially when Sartana gets the drop on the bad guys by doing card tricks.  I also liked it when he forced them to wear his hat and duster, using them as a decoy.  Garko once again cruises through the movie with his likeable charm and helps ensure you’ll stay tuned throughout the draggier sections.

Unfortunately, Sartana is saddled with a needless annoying sidekick played by Frank Wolf that kind of gets in the way of the fun.  The music in some scenes is kind of crappy too.  (One instrumental sounds like “Santa Claus is Coming to Town”!)  Mitchell is pretty much wasted as well, which is also disappointing.  At least Kinski is hoot as the bounty hunter who’s only out to get the reward to pay off his poker debts.  Heck, he probably deserved his own spin-off.

AKA:  Angel of Death:  Sartana.  AKA:  Sartana the Gravedigger.  AKA:  I’ll Dig Your Grave.

THE NEW BEVERLY HILLS GIRLS (1991) **

Michelle Bauer stars as a talent agent who narrates two stories.  In the first, a rock band waits at a gig for their drummer, Becky LeBeau who is running late.  Why is she running late, you ask?  Well, she’s way too busy playing with herself in the bathtub, that’s why!  When she finally gets to the studio, they belt out a rock song.  Oh, did I mention the one and only Linnea Quigley is the singer?  The song she does is no “Santa Monica Boulevard Boy”, but it’s not bad.  Then their agent brings them new outfits to wear, which means they all have to undress and change into them right there on the spot!  Becky takes lead on the next (okay) song and imagines herself singing in the nude.  Finally, to insure they get a record contract, Linnea bangs a sexy music exec while Becky watches.

The second story stars Michelle, who is overseeing a nude photography session.  Her photographer is kidnapped by a jealous rival and blackmails Michelle into selling her company.  Michelle’s models then decide to make like a bunch of half-assed Charlie’s Angels and try to rescue him. 

This segment is much longer than the first and not nearly as entertaining either.  It is padded with a bunch of nude modeling scenes, which takes some of the sting out of the sluggish second half.  More padding comes in the form of flashbacks of random sex scenes, including Linnea in a brief lesbian three-way.  Michelle herself gets a potentially good Girl on Girl scene (a flashback inside of a fantasy inside of a dream scene) that’s unfortunately ruined by a purple tint on the camera that makes it hard to tell what’s going on. 

The obvious inspirations here were MTV and The Playboy Channel.  The cheesecake nude, striptease, and sex scenes are like something out of a Playboy Video Centerfold, except they were shot with a grainy home movie camera and the sound kind of goes in and out.  These scenes also use too much slow motion, but I think that was only done to further pad out the running time.   

Ultimately, what we have here is an uneven hodgepodge.  The first story is only a half hour and moves at a fairly brisk pace.  The second is almost an hour.  Both have their moments, but Michelle’s story is awfully slow going.  What’s worse is the thoroughly awful rock song by a lame (all-male) band in the third act that stops things on a dime right when it should be heating up. 

I guess I’m being too harsh on The New Beverly Hills Girls.  After all, it’s not even really a movie; just an excuse to get a few of your favorite Scream Queens naked masquerading as a real movie.  Still, as far as Excuses-to-Get-Your Favorite-Scream-Queens-Naked-Masquerading-as-a-Real-Movie movies go, you can certainly do much worse.  

AKA:  Beverly Hills Girls.

THE MILKY WAY (1936) **

Harold Lloyd stars as Burleigh Sullivan, an unassuming milkman who comes to the aid of his sister (Helen Mack) when she’s being harassed by two drunks outside of a nightclub.  During the scuffle, Burleigh inadvertently knocks out one of the men, who just so happens to be Speedy McFarland (William Gargan), the middleweight champ of the world.  Speedy’s crafty manager (Adolphe Menjou) wants to turn Burleigh into a fighter, but he flat-out refuses.  That is until his beloved milk truck horse becomes ill.  With no other way to pay her vet bills, the decidedly puny Burleigh steps into the ring, with predictable results. 

I’m a fan of Lloyd’s silent work, but this talkie is a big comedown from his best stuff.  The set-up is sound (no pun intended), and yet very little is done with the premise.  Lloyd’s legendary physical comedy gifts go curiously untapped here, which seems odd when you figure a boxing movie would be ripe with physical comedy possibilities.  Unfortunately, the boxing scenes are brief, and Lloyd is only limited to a couple of corny dance moves that keep his head just out of the way of his opponent’s boxing gloves.

There’s also a lot of stuff with the bullying fighters (one of which is Lionel Stander from Hart to Hart) that take up too much screen time.  The subplot involving Lloyd’s sister actually falling in love with the champ is kind of clunky and merely exists as a mechanism to complicate the final act.  Menjou’s villainous manager character isn’t very funny either, and the scenes of his wheeling and dealing get in the way of Lloyd doing his thing.  

Even then, Lloyd’s boxing schtick isn’t all that funny to begin with.  The climax is particularly disappointing, especially when compared to his best work.  Although the laughs land more infrequently than the champ’s punches, Lloyd’s plucky enthusiasm keeps you watching.  

RAMBO: LAST BLOOD (2019) ****

There are few things more American than seeing Rambo in the theater with your dad.  I’ve seen every one of Rambo’s adventures since Part 2 in the theater with my old man, and each installment has strengthened the bond between father and son over the years.  When I heard Sylvester Stallone was coming out with his latest (I hesitate to say “last” because something tells me he’s still got another one of these things up his sleeve) installment, I figured, why mess with tradition?  So, I called up my dad, and despite our conflicting schedules, we made a point to see it together on opening night.  Boy, am I glad I did!  Stallone didn’t disappoint either of us.  

Right off the bat, we know this isn’t quite the same Rambo we’ve seen before.  For one, he’s got SHORT HAIR!  I honestly didn’t know how I was supposed to feel about this.  From the very beginning, Rambo always had long hair.  I mean the long hair is important to the character because…how else are you supposed to tell him apart from Rocky, for God’s sake!  Seeing him with short hair… took some getting used to?  Eventually, I got on board with it, mostly because I was too preoccupied counting up the dead bodies.  

It was interesting to see how else Rambo had changed over the years.  For starters, we’ve never seen him in “the world” before.  In the first film, he was drifting from town to town still with his Army jacket on his back.  Now he’s rocking a new cowboy look straight out of a Marlboro Man ad!  Some might cry foul on this, but come on, who knows?  Maybe John J. loved to wear cowboy boots and lasso mustangs when he wasn’t off fighting for Uncle Sam.  Maybe all this time when he was in the jungles wearing his red headbands and jade necklaces, he was actually yearning for a ten-gallon hat.  Who am I to say?  

When we first met Rambo, he hadn’t yet set down roots after the war.  He hadn’t even begun to find his place in a country that ostracized him for merely being a veteran.  Now, after all these years, and various pitstops to Vietnam, Tibet, Afghanistan, and Burma, Rambo has finally returned home to America and found structure, family, and peace.

Well… maybe not peace.  You see, even though he’s got a big farmhouse, lots of land, and plenty of room to break in horses, he opts to live in a vast underground tunnel system he’s carved out for himself in and around the property.  I’ll get more into this aspect later, because it’s a crucial element to the film that I think a lot of my fellow critics have slept on.

Anyway, the plot is simple.  The teenaged Gabrielle (Yvette Monreal) is Rambo’s family friend.  He dotes on her like he would his own daughter.  When she learns her biological father is alive and living in Mexico, she takes an ill-advised trip south of the border to meet him.  There, she gets kidnapped by sex traffickers, and it’s up to Rambo, John J. to save her.

Melding elements of Death Wish, Punisher:  War Zone, You Were Never Really Here, and Taken into the typical Rambo DNA was a… ahem… sly choice.  The last one was such a perfect send-off for the character that it made me kinda hope Stallone was going to let the series end there.  Sly proved me wrong as this is a great addition to the franchise.  It may not be up to the upper echelon of Rambo, First Blood, and First Blood Part 2, but it’s a mean, nasty, bleak, and brutal action movie.  That is to say, I fucking loved it. 

What’s remarkable is that Sly found some nuance and poignancy to go along with the gratuitous bloodshed.  As I stated before, we see Rambo working on a horse farm. but he doesn’t live in the house.  Instead. he lives in an elaborate underground tunnel system of his own design.  This is just so fucking perfect that I got a lump in my throat the moment I saw him living down there.  Many have missed the symbolism of this, so please allow me to elaborate why this little touch is so heartbreaking.

Okay, remember the long scene in First Blood when Rambo eludes the police and goes into hiding in the underground mine?  This sequence takes up a lot of screen time, but it is crucial to the formation of the character as we would later know him.  While looking for his way out, he goes on a hero’s quest, entering one side as a frightened fugitive and emerging from the other as a killing machine. 

Rambo’s homemade tunnels are symbolic of his past deeds.  He’s been in similar terrain and came out the other side a killing machine.  The tunnels symbolize the bridge between two worlds:  The man he once was and the killing machine he is prone to become.  As Rambo himself says, “You can’t change.  All you can do is put a lid on it.”   Staying isolated in those tunnels is his way of putting a lid on his tendencies.  Once Gabrielle is kidnapped, his world is torn apart and that lid comes off.  Big time.

There are gonna be spoilers here, and I apologize, but I’m only doing so to drive the whole tunnel metaphor home.  In the end, Rambo lures the bad guys onto his home turf, and into the tunnels, which he has fitted with various homemade booby traps, effectively turning most of the men into the consistency of peanut butter soup along the way.  Finally, he expels the ringleader of the abuse (whom he appropriately saves for last) by setting off a series of explosions that flush him out of the tunnels and above ground.  In doing so, Rambo causes the entire mineshaft system to collapse upon itself.  Not only has he blown up the tunnels and his home, he’s also severed the sole lifeline tethering him from out and out savagery.  It’s a powerful moment, stating that there’s no going back.  There’s no more John the cowboy.  There’s only Rambo, the killing machine.

Or maybe I’m just reading WWWAAAAAAYYYYY too much into things.  Look, it’s been eleven years since we saw Rambo, John J. turn the bad guys into little bitty pieces.  So, maybe I’m just overcompensating a little due to the long wait.  

I honestly can’t tell you how good it was to see Rambo draw a bow again.  Action fans will be eating up the finale (which features one of the best needle-drops of a classic rock song you’ll hear this year), in which Rambo shows no mercy as he stabs, chops, slices, eviscerates, guns down, blows up and generally makes pasta salad out of the bad guys.  There’s even a moment where he goes full-on Sub-Zero on a villain that will have you cheering.  Imagine a straight-faced Machete movie and that might give you an idea of what to expect.

If Rambo:  Last Blood is in fact, the last Blood, it’ll be a nice conclusion.  The title may sound like a joke from an episode of The Simpsons or something, but it’s fitting.  It perfectly sums up Stallone’s willingness to entertain as he’s practically given us his very last drop of blood to keep the fans happy.  

In the words of Rambo, John J.:  “Mission accomplished!”

LONELY HEARTS (2007) ** ½

Lonely Hearts is based on the same case as the cult classic The Honeymoon Killers.  That film at least felt like a true-crime docudrama.  This one feels like an ION TV mini-series with an occasional naughty bit thrown in here and there.  

The tip-off that this ain’t your father’s Honeymoon Killers is that the female killer is played by Salma Hayek and not Shirley Stoler.  I mean, as one of the world’s leading Salma fanatics, I can easily say she is one of the hottest women on the planet… which makes her totally wrong for the part.  At least her partner, Jared Leto TRIES to look like his real-life counterpart, although his performance comes up short next to Hayek’s (admittedly amusing) flamboyant theatrics.

While Hayek and Leto are picking up rich women and killing them for their money, cops John Travolta and James Gandolfini are on their trail.  I like both performers, and neither one of them phone their roles in.  It’s just that their dialogue is kind of rote.  You almost wish you could call for a do-over and see them act their scenes with a better script.  Likewise, Leto and Hayek are fun to watch, and Salma in particular has a few moments of campy, vampy melodramatics, but you kind of wish the whole thing came together as a solid whole and not a collection of hit-and-miss vignettes. 

Lonely Hearts struggles to find a consistent tone, only occasionally hitting a bullseye.  However, it’s not nearly as lurid as it thinks it is, and it’s nowhere near respectable enough to work as a straight true-crime thriller.  Even though it suffers from comparison to The Honeymoon Killers, with this cast (which also includes a brief, but memorable bit from Alice Krige), it’s nothing less than watchable.   

AKA:  Lonely Hearts Killers.

HELLBILLY (2003) ** ½

Hellbilly is only 47 minutes long, and the first 3 ½ are devoted to a title sequence of a Jeep going down a desert road.  Lucky for us, Skinamax legend Beverly Lynne is in the Jeep and gets it on in the very first scene.  When her lover leaves to take a piss, he is killed by titular lunatic (who wears something that looks like a modified Leatherface Halloween mask).  Lynne then runs through the desert as the masked madman gives chase.  Hellbilly finally catches up to her and ties Bev to a chair.  When she escapes AGAIN, Hellbilly goes after her again and murders anyone who stands in his way (including a pair of guys inexplicably playing chess in the woods).

I’m not entirely sure what Bev is doing in this shot-on-video horror film, but her very presence helps to elevate it from the usual dreck.  She gives a strong performance too and is far better than the regional actors that populate the rest of the film.  Too bad her character disappears abruptly from the proceedings.  

Some of the kills are amusing.  I liked the part when Hellbilly beat a blind woman to death with her own cane.  My favorite moment though was when he shoved pages of a Bible into a nun’s mouth (and panties).  The gore isn’t bad, although the machete-to-the-skull effects are overused.  

It’s not all good news.  The repetitive banjo score will get on your nerves and the ending is pretty terrible.  Despite these limitations, Hellbilly goes down rather smoothly thanks to the abbreviated running time and Lynne’s feisty performance.

WINTER HEAT (1976) ***

Jamie Gillis and his three criminal friends seek refuge in an abandoned barn.  There, he gets his dick wet while his buddies watch.  They then break into snowbound cabin where three girlfriends have come to get away from it all.  The hooligans terrorize the ladies, verbally berate them, and then have their way with them.  After a while, the women kind of… like it?  

Most of the sex scenes heavily revolve around oral and/or go on too long.  That’s not really a criticism, especially if that’s what you’re into.  There’s just not a whole lot here in the way of variety.  That’s really the only complaint though as Winter Heat is a solid roughie through and through.  It’s not as demented as some, but it’s certainly kinkier (and better made) than a few. 

The awesome performance by Gillis is the real reason to watch the movie.  If you read my book, Revenge of the Video Vacuum, you know he’s one of my favorite actors.  In Winter Heat, he gets to play another despicable scumbag and one that’s always funny, quirky, and memorable.  The standout scene occurs when Gillis forces one of the women to strip, verbally abuses her, and then forcibly makes her eat oatmeal from a wooden spoon.  You probably won’t look at the Quaker Oats guy the same way again.

AKA:  Snowbound.

THE AFTERMATH (1982) * ½

Steve Barkett did it all in The Aftermath.  He wrote it.  Produced it.  Edited it.  Directed it.  Said, “Hey, you know who would look GREAT shirtless on the video box?  Me!”  Yep, he did that too, although I kind of wish he didn’t.  

Steve stars as Newman, an astronaut who returns to Earth from a deep space mission to find the apocalypse has occurred.  (This is also known as “Pulling a Heston”.)  He goes to a museum ran by “The Curator” (Forrest J. Ackerman, in what was probably his biggest role) and gets the lowdown on what happened while he was away.  Meanwhile, the vile Cutter (Sid Haig) and his buddies have been going around killing men and raping women.  Newman befriends a young boy (Christopher Barkett, one of countless Barketts to be found among the credits as nepotism ran rampant behind the scenes of this one) and a refugee from Cutter’s prison named Sarah (Lynne Margulies) and the three form a half-assed post-nuclear family.  Things take a turn for the Death Wish in the third act when Cutter and his men kill Sarah, prompting Newman to wage a one-man war on Cutter’s compound.

The Aftermath was a vanity project for the decidedly not-movie-star-handsome Barkett.  Not only did he give his family members plum roles behind and in front of the camera, he also gave himself a completely gratuitous love scene with the topless female lead.  Maybe I got to look into this movie business thing for myself.   

Clumsy and awkward in nearly every regard; cheap and crappy on just about all fronts, The Aftermath is a jaw-dropper if nothing else.  Too crude to have charm and mostly too unpleasant to be considered “fun”, it nevertheless has an unmistakable… something about it.  Let me put it to you this way.  When I was watching it, I just wanted it to end.  Now that I have some distance from it, I want to show it to others just to see their reactions. 

The opening sequence has some of the worst spaceship effects I’ve ever seen.  Seriously, Ed Wood would’ve rejected a few of these shots for looking phony.  The shots depicting the nuclear fallout in the city work much better though, although some of them are overused. 

Sid curiously underplays his villain role.  While he perks up the movie somewhat, he never quite goes for broke.  The best scene is when Ackerman walks around the dinosaur sculptures while giving a tour of his museum.  I mean, you know you’re in trouble when Forrest J. Ackerman gives the best performance of the movie.  

As for the action, it’s amateurish, slapdash, and mostly weighted toward the end.  Until then, it’s kind of like watching paint dry.  At least with paint there’s a possibility you could get high off the fumes. 

AKA:  Nuclear Aftermath.  AKA:  Zombie Aftermath.

THE FOUNDER (2017) *** ½

Like it or not, the story of McDonald’s is the story of America.  Both began with great ideas, wholesome ideals, and spectacular innovation, all of which got perverted along the way by greed, ego, and a business-as-usual mentality.  You either eat the clown or the clown eats you.  

Ray Kroc (Michael Keaton) finds McDonald’s hamburger stand like an oasis in the desert.  He loves their “fast food” system and wants to take the idea and expand it nationally.  His impassioned speech moves the unmovable McDonald brothers (Nick Offerman and John Carroll Lynch) and they grudgingly allow him to franchise the restaurant.  As Kroc’s ever-reaching lust for expansion grows, his vision begins to run against the grain of the brothers’ core beliefs, causing friction between the three men.

The film is anchored by a powerhouse performance by Keaton, one of his best.  Even as he’s stealing the brothers’ company out from under them, you can’t help but get swept up in his fervor.  The scene where he equates the Golden Arches with church crosses and courthouse flags as a symbol where Americans gather works not only as a potential Oscar soundbite, but as hamburger propaganda as well. 

I think it’s also a little ironic how Kroc gets into the burger business.  In the early scenes we see him becoming grouchy when it takes forever for a carhop to get him his food.  Later, he’s upset when they get his order wrong.  It’s funny how the movie makes you think that somehow McDonald’s is above all this.  I can’t tell you how many times I had to wait for my food at McDonald’s and then after all that time, they got it wrong.  But I digress.

If there is a gripe, is that the only real takeaway here is that business (like war) is hell.  Or maybe the filmmakers want you to remember Kroc’s backstabbing ways the next time you bite into one of their hamburgers.  Either way, it doesn’t lessen the enjoyment of the film. 

JUKE JOINT (1947) **

Before finding fame playing Andy on the old Amos n’ Andy Show, Spencer Williams directed a dozen movies in the ‘40s specifically for black audiences.  These “race films” as they were called, may be a little creaky and cringey to today’s audiences, but they are an important history lesson.  While most African-American actors were reduced to servant roles in mainstream pictures at the time, these pictures were able to showcase their talent in major roles in front of and behind the camera.

Williams stars as Bad News Johnson, a conman who rolls into a southern town with his best friend Corn Bread Green (July Jones).  Bad News passes himself off as a big-time theatrical actor and cons Louella (Inez Newell) into giving them free room and board in exchange for giving her daughter Honey Dew (Dauphine Moore) “acting lessons”.  After Bad News helps Honey Dew win a local beauty pageant, she discovers her younger sister Florida (Katherine Moore) is going to run off with a man to Chicago.  That’s when Louella shows up to raise hell. 

Juke Joint is less than an hour long, but it feels a lot longer than that.  Williams gets a few funny lines, but the cinematography and editing is rudimentary at best.  Potentially humorous scenes dawdle and fizzle out mostly due to the static camerawork and undisciplined editing.  Also, there’s no real resolution in the last act as the movie just kind of comes to an end.  Still, Williams’ performance keeps it watchable. 

Naturally, Williams gets the best line of the movie when he tells Jones, “You’re so dumb you think Veronica Lake is a summer resort!”

THE DEVIL IN MISS JONES 6 (1999) ** ½

Antonio Passolini (who wrote the third and fourth entries in the series) took over the directorial duties from the Dark brothers for this sixth and final installment in the Devil in Miss Jones franchise.  Stacy Valentine inherits the role from Juli Ashton (who appears playing a different character) and she is perfectly cast, as her girl next door quality is ideal for a ‘90s version of Miss Jones.  As with Part 5, it’s much more of a porno than a “real” movie, and while the sex scenes are hit-and-miss, it remains a watchable affair.

Scott (A Christmas Story) Schwartz goes off to work, leaving his wife (Anita Cannibal) alone in their trailer.  Before long, two dudes show up and bang her double-vaginally.  Then, the plot begins.  

Miss Jones (Valentine) is upset that her boring husband (Randy Spears) would rather sit around trying to summon a succubus than hop into bed with her.  She then runs off dressed as Little Red Riding Hood and is banged by “The Bee Keeper” (Steve Hatcher).  When Miss Jones accidentally conjures up a pair of succubuses (Nikita and Vicca), they go on a rampage, seducing and destroying anyone who crosses their path.  Perturbed, the devil (Tina Tyler) comes to Earth and she and Miss Jones try to send the she-demons back to Hell.

There’s a strange scene where the devil wants to order a pizza so she can bang the delivery boy.  Then there’s a short intermission and she and Miss Jones proceed to… bang two guys wearing luchadore masks in a wrestling ring?  Don’t get me wrong.  I’m a sucker for an El Santo themed XXX scene, but why have the pizza boy set-up and then not... pardon the pun… deliver? 

Also, the use of condoms in every single one of the sex scenes is a bit distracting.  Yes, I’m all for keeping our performers safe and free of disease.  However, in the context of the movie, it makes no sense.  I mean you’re banging a succubus who’s going to take your soul to Hell.  Compared to that, a case of the clap doesn’t seem all that bad.

If you’re a fan of Valentine, The Devil in Miss Jones 6 should fit the bill as she gets a handful of steamy scenes.  It’s Ashton who steals the movie though, playing a sexy S & M nurse named “Nurse Ratchet”.  She only gets one scene unfortunately, a bondage three-way, but it’s a real showstopper.

A remake of the original appeared six years later.

3 FROM HELL (2019) ****

I didn’t know Rob Zombie still had it in him.  After two mediocre Halloween movies, the interesting but flawed Lords of Salem, and the forgettable 31, I wasn’t sure he’d be able to dust off his beloved House of 1000 Corpses franchise and give it another go.  Turns out, it’s not only his best film as a director, but one of the best movies of the year.

3 from Hell finds Zombie flipping through various grindhouse genres like a goddamn madman.  If The Lords of Salem was his version of The Shining, this is his Kill Bill as he checks off scenes, extended sequences, and whole acts that riff on some of your favorite classics.  It begins as a Faces of Death-style Mondo documentary before turning into a Women in Prison picture, then morphs into a Home Invasion thriller before becoming The Wild Bunch vs. the Luchadores.  Would it surprise you that there’s a moment that cribs from Eraserhead?  Probably not.  

If Conan Le Cilaire, Jess Franco, David Lynch, Robert A. Endelson, Sam Peckinpah, and Rene Cardona had a love child, it would look a lot like 3 from Hell… and I loved every fucking second of it.

It also happens to be one of the funniest movies of the year.  Like Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, 3 from Hell is largely a hangout movie.  Of course, these three like to butcher the people they hangout with, but that’s besides the point.  

That’s the second time I’ve compared Zombie to Tarantino in this review.  Not surprisingly, it’s the way both men combine gruesome acts with flat-out hilarity that endear them both to me.  There is a scene involving a clown I will not spoil that offers one of the biggest laughs you’ll have all year.

The film also offers an interesting blend of Zombie’s previous cinematic styles.  The beginning captures the lived-in grungy flavor of House of 1000 Corpses before opening up to the nightmarish You Are There feeling of The Devil’s Rejects.  Seeing these characters inhabiting this world again is as warm and familiar as putting on your old favorite jacket.  You can tell Zombie is having as much fun catching up with these old characters again as we are.

The cast is uniformly great.  Again, not wanting to spoil anything, I will say that I loved every second Sid Haig was on screen.  I understand his health has been in decline in recent years, but another Haig performance as Captain Spalding, however brief is cause for celebration within the horror community.  Richard Brake is a fantastic addition to the cast.  He was easily the best thing about Zombie’s 31. and he is a natural fit and a welcome addition to the Firefly family.  Bill Moseley once again is aces as Otis, doubling down on the Manson mystique of the character and having the right amount of charisma and intensity to pull it off.  

The movie really belongs to Sheri Moon Zombie though.  If you loved her in Zombie’s previous films, you’ll be over the moon (no pun intended) with her in this one.  There’s a moment that is nothing more than her walking in slow motion to Suzi Quatro’s “The Wild One” that is flat-out mesmerizing.  As a fan of the character, the song, and the combination of the two, I can honestly say I would welcome a director’s cut that allows her to walk the full length of the song and in even slower motion and I would be able to die a happy man.

I’ve always had a theory that America’s tumultuous times have given rise to its greatest horror films.  Out of the Depression came the Universal monsters.  WWII spawned Godzilla.  The turbulent ‘60s gave birth to Night of the Living Dead.  I’d like to think 3 from Hell is a reflection of the madness we’re living in today.  Like those movies, it will be long discussed by horror fans and historians alike.  

In short, Rob Zombie is back, ladies and gentlemen.

BLACK BIKERS FROM HELL (1970) ***

Black Bikers from Hell kicks off with an incredible breathless motorcycle chase scene in which a young member of the Choppers, an all-black biker gang wants to make a name for himself.  He smashes the window of the leader of the rival white biker gang, Chainer (Des Roberts), who takes off after him in hot pursuit.  The chase is peppered with flashbacks that not only provides the audience with the characters’ motivation, it also delivers plenty of nudity, hilarious dialogue (“I’m a new shade of black!”), and biker clichés, adding to the overall awesomeness of the scene.  The sequence culminates in spectacular fashion, leading to more problems between the two gangs.  

I wish I could say the second act was just as good, but it’s mostly nothing more than a collection of wild biker parties, brawls, and long montages of the gang riding their hogs.  

Despite the title, the main focus is on the white bikers.  The Choppers really aren’t given much to do after the first scene until the last act or so.  Also, there’s a pair of biker-hating cops who are referred to as “The Black Angels”, even though they’re lily-white. 

Whenever the movie tries to make some social commentary it comes off pretty clumsy. (“This country.  A white man can’t have a decent fight with a black man without everybody saying it’s racial!”)  It’s awkward, but hey, at least the filmmakers tried. 

While the film kind of stumbles and sputters during the middle section, the awesome finale is every bit as good as the whiz-bang opening.  There’s a big plot twist, an all-out biker rumble, a bobcat attack (!!!), AND more than one character is felled by poisonous snakes.  Sure, it’s all wildly uneven, but whenever Black Bikers from Hell is revving its WTF engine, it’s damn good times.

AKA:  Black Angels.