THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #14: SHOCK CINEMA VOLUME 3: BLOOPERS, BABES AND BLOOD! (1991) ** ½

(Streamed via Tubi)

Producer Brinke Stevens returns with another installment in the Shock Cinema series.  Although she provides narration over the chapter breaks, she doesn’t have any formal hosting sequences this time around.  (She does appear on the opening graphic and shows up in clips from Nightmare Sisters though.)  Unlike the previous two Shock Cinema Volumes, this is less a video magazine and more of a compilation tape.  There are no interviews with B-Movie directors and not as much behind the scenes footage as you might expect.  Instead, it’s broken up into several chapters devoted to various horror/exploitation elements.

The first (and best) chapter is devoted to “T & A”.  We see scenes of Linnea Quigley, Michelle Bauer, and Brinke appearing au natural in Nightmare Sisters, as well as Linnea taking it off in clips from Murder Weapon and Deadly Embrace.  The next segment is on “Blood and Gore” and it features assorted stabbings, bludgeonings, flesh rippings, and exploding heads.  (Mostly from Robot Ninja.)  “Trailers” contains coming attractions for Deadly Embrace, the Scream Queen documentary Something to Scream About, Murder Weapon, Robot Ninja, Skinned Alive, and Ghoul School.  “Bloopers” contains outtakes, flubs, and follies from Nightmare Sisters and Dr. Alien.  These bloopers aren’t exactly funny, but they do offer a tantalizing (if fleeting) taste of what it was like to be on those sets.  The volume is rounded out with “Action and Special Effects”, a collection of fights, bites, slashes, gashes, shootouts, mutants, monsters, and musical numbers from the previously mentioned films.  

Since it’s only drawing from a small pool of titles (mostly Tempe releases), the clips have a tendency to get a little overfamiliar as the tape goes on.  (Some scenes are even repeated by the end, which tends to get a little annoying.)  The short running time (under an hour) helps somewhat, though the overall sense of déjà vu sort of diminishes the fun.  Even though it’s not as informative or as entertaining as the first two volumes, it’s still worth a watch just for the T & A segment alone (especially if you’re a fan of Scream Queens Stevens, Quigley, and Bauer).  

AKA:  Shock Cinema Volume 3.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #13: LIMBO (1999) *

(Streamed via Cineverse)

About ten minutes into Limbo, it became apparent that B-Movie Scream Queen-turned-first time director Tina Krause rented Jacob’s Ladder one night and decided to make her own loose remake using the crappiest home video equipment available.  That probably wasn’t the worst idea in the world, but the problem is that there is barely any connective narrative tissue to hold the thing together.  Because of that, it looks like one long, cheap, SOV music video.  

A woman named Katherine goes to a bar where she is given an ominous warning by an unseen stranger.  After Katherine picks up a cute waitress (Krause), things spiral into a lot of shaky-cam/let’s-use-every-filter-and-editing-trick-that-came-with-the-camera music video sequences.  She returns to the bar the next night where she picks up another stranger and the cycle repeats itself until Katherine learns she’s actually dead and in limbo.  (Hey, it’s not a spoiler if it’s in the title!)

This one was a tough sit.  Although I enjoy seeing Krause in her low budget horror movies, this is by far the worst one I have seen.  It was also by far the shortest flick I’ve watched this month (it’s only fifty-four minutes), but it sure as Hell felt like the longest.  

It's not all terrible.  If you can make it to the homestretch, there are a couple of decent gore effects (given the budget).  We get a pretty good face ripping scene as well as a not-bad gut ripping sequence.  However, that doesn’t make up for all the schizophrenic editing, incoherent storytelling (a vampire subplot is dropped into our laps in the late going), piss-poor camerawork, and piss-poorer sound.  

I admire Krause’s ambition.  More Scream Queens should take the cinematic reigns and direct their own movies.  I just wish that Krause’s directorial effort was closer in spirit to her other low budget vehicles instead of an overlong, experimental, wannabe student film.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #12: CAPULINA VS. THE MONSTERS (1974) **

(Streamed via Canela TV)

If you’re unfamiliar with Capulina, he was an extremely popular but painfully unfunny (at least to me) Mexican comedian.  The only other Capulina comedy I’ve seen was Santo vs. Capulina, and that was only because I am a die-hard El Santo completist.  Naturally, the only reason I watched Capulina vs. the Monsters was for the monsters.  I’m a sucker for shoddy South of the Border monster movies, even if they do star annoying comedians.

A mad scientist uses the brain of a dim-witted newsstand attendant (Capulina) to revive Frankenstein, Dracula, the Mummy, and the Wolf Man.  Predictably, they break out of the lab and chase Capulina all over town.  Eventually, Capulina bands together with a bunch of kids to thwart the doctor’s plan.  

The first twenty minutes or so did not inspire hope.  These monster-less passages rely heavily on Capulina’s awful slapstick shtick (which requires him to make silly faces, run around in fast-motion like Benny Hill, and… uh… that’s about it) and have zero laughs.  Thankfully, once the monsters show up, things improve considerably.  While their interactions with Capulina aren’t exactly laugh-out-loud funny, they are at least somewhat amusing.  One fun touch is that garlic has no effect on Dracula, but all the monsters pass out after Capulina eats a bunch of onions and breathes on them.  There’s also an odd scene where Capulina gets into an inexplicable pillow fight with the titans of terror.  The best non-monster scene happens when Capulina mistakes some dwarf criminals wearing Halloween masks for Trick-or-Treaters.  I can’t say “hilarity ensues”, but I think I did crack a smile.  

The monster make-up and costumes are terrible, which only makes the whole thing even more enjoyable.  The Mummy is the worst.  If you thought the Mummy from Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy was bad, wait till you get a load of this guy.  He looks like he’s wearing a repurposed El Santo mask and baggy white pajamas.  However, I dug the scene where Dracula completely unwraps him in order to tie up Capulina and then uses all of his bandages to lower him from a second story window.  Say what you will about this movie, but it has a naked mummy in it, something that possibly might be a cinema first.  

One missed opportunity though:  There’s a scene where the Mummy fights the Wolf Man, and he bites him on the neck.  According to accepted monster lore, shouldn’t the Mummy now turn into a werewolf?  If anything could’ve pushed this flick into *** territory, it would’ve been a Were-Mummy!  Sadly, it was not meant to be.

It also helps that the mad scientist’s assistant Mephistophela (Irlanda Mora) is foxy as all get out.  Wearing a slinky skintight red jumpsuit, she struts around the mad doctor lab looking hot to trot.  One thing’s for sure:  Capulina’s idiotic mugging is certainly easier to take whenever she’s on screen.  

As fun as the middle section of the film is, things get pretty dire as it enters the homestretch.  The finale is especially weak as the monsters are dispatched by Capulina incessantly chanting about his love for chocolate donuts.  (I think, or perhaps my Spanish was rusty).  The demise of the mad scientist is also WTF as he is electrocuted and turned into a turkey!?!  Oh well, at least when Mephistophela loses her job as a mad scientist’s assistant, she bounces right back, and gets a job as a nanny where she gets to wear sexy nanny outfits.  That’s about as happy of an ending as you can get with something like this.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #11: YOKAI MONSTERS: SPOOK WARFARE (1968) *** ½

(Streamed via Shudder)

Treasure hunters accidentally awaken a bat monster from its tomb in the desert.  It makes its way to Japan where it drinks the blood of a local magistrate and takes his form.  Soon, the monster begins racking up more victims and turns them into his minions.  When he sets his sights on draining children of their blood, the monsters that lurk in the dark decide to band together and stop the bat-vampire-thing once and for all.  

Yokai Monsters:  100 Monsters was a fun flick, but it had a bit too much samurai drama and gratuitous asides that prevented it from firing on all cylinders.  This sequel is a straight-up horror show, and it’s all the better for it.  The monsters from the first movie make a welcome return (including my favorite, the Umbrella Monster), but the new monsters are really cool too.  I think the best addition to the cast is the monster who puffs out his belly and shows flashbacks on it as if it was a projection screen TV!  Another fun moment occurs when a pair of comedy relief guards (who are sort of playing an off-brand Japanese version of Abbott and Costello) have a run-in with a monster who resembles a cross between Gonzo the Great and Gabriel from Malignant.

I also liked how the monsters pull a ‘70s Godzilla and become a friend to children in this one.  Despite that touch, it’s a much darker film than its predecessor, even if the monsters are pretty much “the good guys” this time around.  The finale is quite rousing too as the villain becomes Godzilla size and our monster heroes have to call on the “100 Monsters” to help defeat him.  (Unlike the last movie, it actually looks like there’s a hundred of them in this one.) 

AKA:  The Great Yokai War.  AKA:  Ghosts on Parade.  AKA:  Yokai Monsters 2.  AKA:  Big Monster War.  AKA:  The Battle of the Spooks.  AKA:  Big Ghost War.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #10: EVIL TOWN (1987) * ½

(Streamed via American Horrors)

Evil Town had a long, painful, strange production.  It was started in 1973 under the direction of Curtis (L.A. Confidential) Hanson.  He wound up getting fired and replaced by the producers (Death Game’s Peter Traynor and Larry Spiegel).  Production was eventually halted due to lawsuits and the film wasn’t completed until the mid ‘80s by producer Mardi Rustam (who added a bunch more nudity to make it commercially viable).  

The results are far from seamless.  Then again, the seams are expected when a film took fourteen years and four directors to finish.  The plot threads are all over the place.  There are two families camping whose car breaks down in the titular town.  We also have two horny gas station attendants who like to sneak off and rape coeds.  Then, there’s also the matter of a nuthouse where a sexy doctor is performing illicit experiments on her patients.  

You can probably guess what’s going on, thanks to the fact that the town is mostly populated by old people.  Yes, they are luring young folks into town and performing experiments on them in order to prolong their life.  Although it’s pretty obvious, the shoddy new scenes kind of make the whole thing kind of confusing.

Incredibly enough, there are some name stars in the cast.  James Keach and Robert Walker, Jr. are the paternal figures taking their family camping, and poor old Dean Jagger (in his final role) is the head mad scientist behind the insidious plot.  Sadly, he makes the whole thing even harder to watch as he is noticeably frail, often looks as if he is in pain, and flubs his lines a lot.  

Yes, Evil Town is a fucking mess.  The film stock, hairstyles, fashions, and cast changes often.  The various plots feel like they were stuffed into an UNO Attack game and then spit out at random.  The overuse of slow motion in some scenes is downright laughable too, but I’m sure it helped the distributors pad out the running time.  At least there is a lot of T & A.  

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #9: SAINT MAUD (2021) ***

(Streamed via Paramount+)

Maud (Morfydd Clark) is a home hospice healthcare worker tending to the needs of a former dancer (Jennifer Ehle) stricken with terminal cancer.  It soon becomes apparent Maud is more than a little touched.  Devoutly religious, Maud fears her hedonistic patient is in danger of going to Hell, and she sets out to do anything in her power to prevent that from happening.  

Saint Maud has a great set-up that first at makes it feel like it’s going to be one of those ‘90s thrillers like The Hand That Rocks the Cradle.  However, it doesn’t take very long for it to dovetail into some very different territory.  Fortunately, writer/director Rose Glass changes gears so subtly that you never quite notice the slight of hand at work.  

I hesitate to get into spoiler territory, so I will try to keep this review as brief as possible.  The second half is pretty wild and features moments that reminded me of everything from Taxi Driver to The Exorcist to Carrie.  Somehow, Glass manages to make all those nods feel organic and fresh and not just a filmed checklist of tried-and-true horror tropes.  

Saint Maud never quite steps over the line into balls out horror, but whenever it tiptoes around those parameters, it’s often very effective.  It’s less an arthouse horror show and more of a character study of a sad, broken, and possibly insane loner on a slow, painful, and tragic journey to an inevitable, horrific fate.  The reason all this works as well as it does is because of Clark’s performance.  Like Sissy Spacek in Carrie, you feel for her every step of the way, even though you know she’s going to pull some heavy shit in the final reel.  It’s a powerhouse performance that keeps the movie afloat, even through its draggier passages, and makes it well-worth watching, even if it isn’t exactly a home run.  Sometimes (especially in October), a ground-rule double is all you need.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #8: THE WEREWOLF OF WOODSTOCK (1975) **

(Streamed via Beta Max TV)

Dick Clark produced this inane mess, a TV movie that was broadcast as part of “The Wide World of Mystery”.  If you’re expecting to see a werewolf attack the likes of Jimi Hendrix, The Grateful Dead, The Who, and Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young, forget it.  There’s only about ten seconds of actual concert footage (which may or may not have been Woodstock) in the beginning.  In fact, the Werewolf attacks the TOWN of Woodstock… and by “TOWN” I mean “the woods”.

After three days of peace, love, and music at Woodstock, everyone goes home, but nobody bothers to tear down the stage.  The hippie-hating town drunk gets shitfaced after the festival, wanders onto the stage, and winds up getting electrocuted.  The freak accident causes him to turn into a werewolf (!?!?!?!?!) and before long, he is stalking a rock band who have shown up to the abandoned stage just so they can say they “played at Woodstock”.  After the wooly werewolf kidnaps their favorite groupie, the band agrees to help the cops lure the loathsome lycanthrope out into the open using the rock n’ roll music the monster despises so much.

The werewolf is shoddy as all get out.  It looks just like a Halloween mask you’d see at a five and dime.  I guess they tried to do something different with the accepted werewolf lore (he transforms whenever there is an electrical storm rather than a full moon), but the changes are just as dumb as the make-up.    

Michael Parks brings his typical offbeat energy to the role of a detective, but honestly, he looks embarrassed to be there.  (Can you blame him?)  The only other names in the cast are Andrew Stevens as the hotheaded band member who acts like a prick to everybody and Belinda Balaski (who later faced off against werewolves in The Howling) is the groupie who has psychic premonitions.

I was tempted to give this One Star all the way through, but in the third act something so mind-bogglingly awesome happened that I just had to tack on an extra Star.  It occurs when the werewolf is being pursued by the authorities and he steals a dune buggy and high tails it out of there.  Ive seen a lot of shit in my time but I've never seen a werewolf in a dune buggy before.  It doesn’t make up for the awful effects, lethargic pacing, and constant fade-in and fade-outs for TV commercials, but it does make it memorable.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #7: DEATH GAME (1977) ***

(Streamed via R Flix)

Seymour Cassel stars as a happily married man celebrating his fortieth birthday home alone on a dark and stormy night.  When two beautiful young girls (Sondra Locke and Colleen Camp) show up asking to use the phone, he chivalrously obliges them.  It doesn’t take the lovely ladies long to seduce the poor dope with a three-way in the bathtub.  Problems arise the next morning when they refuse to vacate the premises.  When Cassel eventually threatens to call the police, the girls counter and claim they’ll say they were raped if the cops show up.  They then perpetually harass, manipulate, and eventually kidnap him, which naturally leads to more complications, including murder.  

Apparently, Death Game had a tumultuous production.  Cassel and director Peter Traynor fought so much that he refused to come back to record his dialogue.  The producers were then forced to get cinematographer David Worth to loop his lines.  If Cassel didn’t have such a distinctive voice, it might not have mattered, but the dubbing is painfully obvious, and much of the suspense is lost every time he opens his mouth.  

Luckily, Locke and Camp make a lot of the film’s shortcomings seem like a moot point.  They are a lot of fun to watch and are hot to trot (especially Camp) during their love scenes.  Heck, they still manage to look foxy as Hell even in the midst of their psychotic rantings and ravings.  (Like when they put on way too much make-up and put Cassel on “trial” for his various crimes.)  Even though you know from the get-go they are up to no good, it’s hard to fault Cassel for letting them in.  I mean, duh.

The biggest debit is the annoying music.  The theme song, “Good Old Dad”, which is played way too often will get on your damned nerves almost instantly.  The ending is way too pat, which also knocks the rating down a bit.  However, whenever Locke and Camp are front and center being psychotically sexy, Death Game is a game worth playing.

Eli Roth later remade this as Knock Knock, with Locke and Camp returning as producers.

If you’d like to know my thoughts on the remake, I reviewed it in my book, The Bloody Book of Horror:  The Bloody Book of Horror: Lovell, Mitch: 9781542566629: Amazon.com: Books

AKA:  Make-Up.  AKA:  The Seducers.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #6: GOODNIGHT MOMMY (2022) ** ½

(Streamed via Prime)

If you’ve already seen directors Severin Fiala and Veronika Franz’s Goodnight Mommy, you probably know where this gratuitous, yet sporadically effective Hollywood remake is going.  Since you’re likely to know the twist before it happens, you can amuse yourself by seeing just how director Matt Sobel has updated it for American audiences.  Even though it has been noticeably watered down, I still think I enjoyed it more than the original, mostly thanks to Naomi Watts’ performance.

Elias (Cameron Crovetti) and Lukas (Nicholas Crovetti) go to live with their movie star mom (Watts) in the middle of nowhere.  She had a surgical procedure done on her face, so she has to walk around the house wearing a scary white mask.  The kids are subject to her increasingly erratic behavior and slowly begin to suspect that it might not be their mother under the mask.  

This is a good role for Watts, who is quickly changing gears from Hollywood It Girl to Direct to DVD Schlock Queen.  It’s a fun performance and she gets to act a little gonzo, as the anonymity of the mask allows her to cut loose when needed.  I don’t know many actresses that could’ve pulled off a role like this (or who would’ve wanted to), but Watts certainly goes for it.  (There are times she looks like a female version of Diabolik… except in a negligee.)  There’s a particularly unsettling scene where she does a sexy dance in front of a mirror unaware one of her kids is watching.  

It may lack the nasty edge the original had, but it’s more straightforward and better paced, and benefits from Watts’ performance.  There’s also some decent horror imagery here and there, although it usually turns into one of those irritating “It was all a dream” scenarios.  It’s not great, but I liked it better than the original.  It’s certainly much better than Watts’ other Hollywood remake of a foreign language horror flick, the overrated The Ring (or even Funny Games, for that matter).  

If you’d like to know my thoughts on the original Goodnight Mommy, check out my book, The Bloody Book of Horror:  The Bloody Book of Horror: Lovell, Mitch: 9781542566629: Amazon.com: Books

SHIVER AND SHUDDER SHOW (2002) ***

Shiver and Shudder Show is another fun Something Weird trailer compilation.  Clocking in at close to two hours, it kicks off with an ad for a “Shiver and Shudder Spook Show” before segueing into the trailers.  There’s a good mix of titles, eras, and subgenres here, which makes it perfect pre-Halloween viewing (or anytime, really).   

We get a handful of movies that appeared on Mystery Science Theater 3000 (Attack of the Giant Leeches, The Killer Shrews, and Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy), vampire films (Goliath and the Vampires, Blood Bath, and The Vampire and the Ballerina), and Jerry Warren productions (Creature of the Walking Dead, The Incredible Petrified World, and Face of the Screaming Werewolf).  Other highlights include the double feature of Werewolf in a Girls’ Dormitory and Corridors of Blood (“A Nervorama Shocker!”) and the trailer for Tales of the Bizarre (which has a face of a mummy taking up half the screen the entire time).  The odd taglines in some of the previews are good for a laugh too, like The Beast of the Yellow Night (“See it with Someone You… Trust…”), Kill, Baby, Kill (“S & Q!  Shiver and Shake!  Quiver and Quake!”), and The Vampires Night Orgy (“Were They Humans (sp) Beings?”).  It all culminates in a long run of great trailers for South of the Border horror flicks that are amusing, mostly because they all use the same narrator, font, and similar ad copy.  

Some of the best ads are devoted to cheesy gimmicks that help lure unsuspecting audiences into the theatre.  You’ll receive a “Witch Deflector” when you see a double feature of Witchcraft and The Horror of It All.  You’ll have to sign a “Fright Release” if you want to check out The Curse of the Living Corpse!  Or you can get free “Spare Body Parts” when you see a double feature of Night of the Bloody Apes and Feast of Flesh!  What a time to be a moviegoer!

I’m an old hand at watching these Something Weird samplers, so I recognized many of the trailers from other compilations.  (The double feature ad for The Blood Spattered Bride and I Dismember Mama makes its obligatory appearance yet again.)  Even with that said, this is still a fun time.  The addition of spook show ads (like the bug-themed “Insect-O-Thon”) and vintage Halloween-themed toy commercials also help make up for some of the overly familiar trailers in the collection.  

The complete trailer rundown includes:  Something Weird, Tales of the Bizarre, Witchcraft, The Curse of the Living Corpse, Frozen Alive, Bourbon Street Shadows, Terrified, The Beast of the Yellow Night, a double feature of The Blood Spattered Bride and I Dismember Mama, Daughters of Darkness, The Black Cat, Psycho a Go-Go, The Dead One, Insect-O-Thon Spook Show, Attack of the Giant Leeches, Creature of the Walking Dead, The Awful Dr. Orloff, Macumba Love, The Killer Shrews, The Wacky World of Doctor Morgus, a double feature of Night of the Bloody Apes and Feast of Flesh, The Wild, Wild Planet, Goliath and the Vampires, “Spasmitus” Spook Show, Blood Bath, The Hands of Orlac, double feature of The Vampire’s Coffin and The Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy), Kill, Baby, Kill, Virgin Witch, a double feature of Blood Suckers and Blood Thirst, Don’t Look in the Basement, The Incredible Petrified World, Witchcraft, a double feature of Werewolf in a Girls Dormitory and Corridors of Blood, Face of the Screaming Werewolf, Mutiny in Outer Space, Dead Eyes of London, The Witch’s Curse, The Terrornauts, The Vampire and the Ballerina, The Devil’s Hand, a double feature of Carnival of Blood and Curse of the Headless Horseman, Friday the 13th Spook Show, Back from the Dead, “Kooky Spooky” toy commercial, The Phantom in the Red House, The Genie of Darkness, The Brainiac, The Living Head, The Invasion of the Vampires, Samson vs. the Vampire Women, The Vampire, The Witch’s Mirror, Curse of the Crying Woman, The Blood of Nostradamus, and “The Young American Mystics Cult of Horrors” Spook Show.

DANCERS FOR TANGIERS (1977) **

Schlockmeister producer Erwin C. Dietrich gave us this lurid, nasty, but uneven slice of exploitation.  It tells how girls around the world are lured, tricked, and coerced into the white slave trade.  One girl is told the cops are looking for her and a friendly gentleman agrees to help get her out of the country.  When she refuses to work as a cabaret dancer at the Moulin Rouge, her new benefactor supplies her with heroin to make her more compliant.  Naturally, the customers want her to do more than just dance.  

Another girl is picked up at a train station, raped, drugged, boxed up (literally), and sent to Amsterdam.   Then, the slavers pose as film producers and lure an aspiring actress with the promise of a phony audition.  Really, they want to try to sell her off to an oil sheik.  Meanwhile, a feminist reporter tries to bring the illicit sex slave ring down.  

Dancers for Tangiers is sleazy, meanspirited, and chockfull of hateful, poorly dubbed dialogue.  (“Use these juicy boobs to trick the men into buying more booze, babe!”)  There’s plenty of softcore action, hateful men, bondage, and ‘70s bush to go around, that’s for sure.  All of this isn’t exactly sexy or entertaining, unless you get your kicks from seeing women sold into sex slavery.  It’s also heavily padded with striptease scenes; a handful of which are fairly decent.  (The two-girl floorshow is the definite highlight.)  At least these moments are more enjoyable than all the raping and drugging of easily duped women.  

The problem (aside from all the misogyny) is that the narrative hops around way too much.  So much so in fact, that a narrator randomly blurts out wherever the action is taking place at the start of every scene.  (“AMSTERDAM!”  “ZURICH!”  “TANGIERS!”)  If Dietrich had followed the model of the Schoolgirl Report series and just staged unconnected scenes of white slavery in an anthology style, it might’ve been more successful.  As it is, there’s just too much globetrotting for its own good.  

Probably the most memorable part is the white slaver named “Karate Jack”.  The only times he does any karate comes when the police try to bust the strip club and he delivers exactly ONE karate chop accompanied with the obligatory “Hi-YAH!”  The only true fight scene he gets is hilariously half-assed, and you have to wait till the finale to see it, but it’s ALMOST worth it.  I just wish there were more of these unintentional laughs to be had.  Then again, they might’ve felt even more out of step with all the depressing shit going on in the movie.  At least there is this classic dialogue exchange:  

Girl:  “I hear you’re a high-ranking man in the film industry.  Can you use me?”

Slaver:  “OH, YEAH!”

AKA:  Girl Slaves.  AKA:  Sensuous Slaves.  AKA:  Sensuous Slaves of Love.  AKA:  Sensual Partners.  AKA:  Confessions of the Sex Slaves.  AKA:  Island of the Savage Sex Slaves.  AKA:  Naked Street Girls.  

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #5: HELLRAISER (2022) *

(Streamed via Hulu)

My hope going into the new Hellraiser was that it would at the very least be better than the last six installments.  It really wasn’t asking a whole lot as they were without a doubt some of the worst DTV sequels ever made.  Sadly, this dreary reboot could’ve even clear that incredibly low bar.  

I guess I should’ve known it was going to suck since it went straight to Hulu.  The last time Hulu released a Clive Barker adaptation we got the abysmal Books of Blood.  Shockingly enough, this might even be worse than that turd.  

The first thing you should know about Hellraiser ’22 is that it is over two hours long.  There is no reason why any Hellraiser movie needs to be that length.  As bad as Hellraiser 9 and 10 were, at least they were short.  In fact, you could almost watch them back-to-back in the time it takes you to sit through this thing. 

Odessa A’zion stars as a former drug addict fighting to stay clean.  She has a fight with her brother about rent, so she and her boyfriend figure stealing a mysterious box and fencing it will put them in the money.  Little does she know the box is the Lament Configuration, and when she opens it, the box sends her brother straight to Hell.  She does some research on the box and traces it back to a reclusive billionaire who…

Yes, this is all plot that happens BEFORE Pinhead (Jamie Clayton) shows up.  In fact, you have to wait SEVENTY minutes before she makes any kind of significant appearance.  At least at this point, if you were watching Hellraiser 9, it would be over, but this one still has a full FIFTY flippin’ minutes to go.  

If you ask me, director David Bruckner (taking a huge nosedive in quality from his last film, The Night House, which I reviewed the other day), should’ve cut back on all the Junkie Nancy Drew shit and got right to the Cenobite action.  Then again, the Cenobite action isn’t much to write home about either.  In fact, we only get ONE single cool moment when Pinhead sticks one of her pins into a dude’s neck and we see a POV shot from INSIDE his throat as the pin goes all the way through to the other side.  That lone moment of invention just can’t justify freaking two hours’ worth of drudgery.  

The slight redesign of Pinhead’s look is OK.  Jamie Clayton tries to do what she can with the role, although she isn’t given a whole lot to work with.  She isn’t a patch on Doug Bradley, but she can rest assured she is easily the second-best Pinhead.

I heard there’s now a Hellraiser TV series in development.  Since it’s directed by Halloween’s David Gordon Green, that will probably suck too.  Maybe if they’re smart, they’ll finally let the franchise go to Hell where it belongs. 

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #4: MAD MOVIE (2015) ****

(Streamed via AsianCrush)

After 28 Days Later, there were a glut of fast-moving zombie pictures.  After Saw, we got a lot of variations where characters were trapped in a “game” where they had to make do-or-die decisions.  There have also been a lot of horror flicks that use snuff movies as a plot device.  Mad Movie blurs the line between all three subgenres and the results are wildly successful.  This is one of the most kick-ass movies I have seen in a long time.    

Two aspiring filmmakers coax two pretty tourists to appear in their movie.  They sneak into a seemingly abandoned warehouse to shoot some test footage unaware that an unseen psycho has plans to make them the star of his own demented movie.  He’s placed cameras all around the premises and livestreams the carnage to a nearby movie theater where the rowdy patrons revel in seeing the “stars” stalked.

When things get slow, the “director” pushes a button which releases a gas that turns people into zombies that attack the “cast”.  Whenever he needs to spice things up, he unleashes another gas that makes everybody horny and bang each other.  When he REALLY wants to rile up the audience, he releases a gas that makes the zombies horny.  Folks, this is some of the finest horny zombie action I’ve ever seen.  

At seventy-four minutes, director Hideo Jojo keeps everything moving at a brisk pace.  Jojo can film a softcore sex scene just as good (if not better) as a zombie attack.  When he combines the two… LOOK OUT!  Not to be outdone, he also gives us a pretty great Kung Fu zombie scene in there as well.

Jojo also tosses in some interesting plot wrinkles (an actress’s fiancé is kidnapped and forced to watch her in the film) and delivers a great twist ending as well.  This is the first film of his that I’ve seen, and I look forward to seeing more from him soon.  He doesn’t seem to have a big following here in the States (heck, this flick doesn’t even have a listing on IMDb), but I hope that will change in the near future.  

In short, Mad Movie sure as heck lives up to its title! 

AKA:  Maze:  Secret Love.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #3: THE NIGHT HOUSE (2021) ** ½

(Streamed via HBO Max)

Rebecca Hall gives a devastating performance as a grieving woman who is despondent after the suicide of her husband (Evan Jonigkeit).  Soon after his death, she begins having strange dreams and starts to feel as if there is a supernatural presence in her house.  She eventually discovers her husband had some dark secrets, such as a string of affairs with women who look suspiciously like her.  Most troubling of all, is the fact he built a nearly identical home (except everything’s in reverse) in the middle of the woods.  

Without the strong central performance by Hall, The Night House would’ve crumbled like a house of cards.  She is electrifying and surprisingly funny too as she uses her grief as an excuse to spit venom at people who test her patience.  The standout scene is when she has a conference with a bitchy parent who wants to know why their kid got a C on an assignment.  This scene is a seriocomic masterpiece that ranks right up there with anything in Manchester by the Sea.  Too bad the horror stuff never comes close to getting under your skin the way this scene does.

Hall is surrounded by a great supporting cast too.  Vondie Curtis Hall has some strong scenes as a concerned neighbor who might have a clue as to Hall’s husband’s shenanigans.  Sarah (Barry) Goldberg is equally fine as Hall’s friend who might know more than she lets on.  

There were times I flirted with giving The Night House ***.  Unfortunately, the mystery behind Hall’s husband’s philandering and his ominous nocturnal carpentry is markedly less involving than the stuff with her grieving and drinking excessively.  The ending is a bit of a letdown too, which is the main reason I couldn’t quite recommend it (although it is well-worth seeing just for Hall alone).  On the plus side, director David Bruckner (who just directed the upcoming Hellraiser reboot) does a solid job establishing the mood and gives the scenes where Hall is alone in her home a nice creepy edge.  

Then again, they might not have been as effective if it wasn’t for Hall’s performance.  Usually, scenes of characters investigating strange noises down dark hallways get repetitive.  Since the ones in this flick feature Hall being surly after too many glasses of wine, they have an entertaining spark about them.  I just wish the script The Night House was built on had a better foundation.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #2: DEMONICUS (2001) **

(Streamed via The Archive)

A group of friends go hiking in the Italian Alps.  One dude goes into a cave and is possessed by the spirit of a bloodthirsty Roman gladiator.  Before long, he is walking around dressed like a Spirit Halloween version of Russell Crowe and starts slaughtering his friends in order to bring the gladiator back to life.

You can say what you will about Demonicus, but at the very least, it has a novel premise.  I’ve sat through a lot of low budget slashers in my time.  This is the first one I’ve seen where the killer is possessed by the spirit of a gladiator.  

As a slasher, it gets the job done.  The kills are competent enough, and director Jay (Trancers 6) Woelfel keeps them coming along at a relatively steady clip.  He also wastes no time establishing the unlikely set-up as our villain dons his gladiator get-up and has his first victim in the bag before the opening credits even have a chance to roll.  Unfortunately, as the film enters into its second half, the characters start to wander aimlessly in circles, and so does the movie.

The cast all hit their marks.  The only person I recognized was the Femalien herself, Venesa Talor.  I would’ve liked to have seen a bit more of her (if you know what I mean), but she does a fine job, nevertheless.   

All in all, Demonicus is a moderately proficient slasher.  While it still falls into some of the same pitfalls inherent in an early ‘00s low budget horror flick (poor sound, inconsistent digital cinematography, shoddy CGI effects, etc.), it remains memorable thanks to its wacky premise (although it’s played seriously enough) and kooky sequences.  Even though it’s mostly a throwback to ‘80s slashers, there were moments that harken back to other genre movies.  The scene where the killer keeps a damsel in distress tied up in a cave next to a rotting skeleton is a bit like Eegah!, the part where he puts a bunch of severed body parts in a cauldron is reminiscent of Blood Feast, and the melting finale owes more than a little to The Evil Dead.  These moments aren’t quite enough to save the flick, but they sure keep you watching.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #1: TRAILERS #10: HORROR CLASSICS OF THE 1930’S AND 1940’S (1992) ***

(Streamed via YouTube)

Even though I am partial to trailer compilations featuring films from the ‘70s and ‘80s, this is a really strong collection from the good folks at Something Weird, as it features a nice cross section of movies from the ‘30s and ‘40s.  Everything is covered from the atmospheric works of Val Lewton (I Walked with a Zombie, The Cat People, and The Seventh Victim) to prestigious pictures from major studios (Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Hangover Square, and Arsenic and Old Lace) to Poverty Row productions (Ghosts on the Loose, Spooks Run Wild, and The Invisible Ghost).  My favorite ad was probably the one for Mark of the Vampire, hosted by Bela Lugosi himself.  There’s also a cool triple feature preview for Mark of the Vampire, The Mask of Fu Manchu, and Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde too.  Oh, and despite the title, there’s a couple of trailers for ‘50s movies such as Bride of the Gorilla, House of Wax, and The Mad Magician tacked on at the very end.

Many of the prints are heavily worn, and some of them are so washed out that you can barely make out the ad copy on the trailers.  However, a lot of them are from re-releases, so those are in much better shape.  There are also some drive-in snipes and concession stand ads sprinkled about for padding purposes.  

Even though many of the films featured are tame by today’s standards, there’s a peppering of lurid bits in there to keep you on your toes.  The eyeball eating scene is the highlight of the Maniac trailer, and the Devil Monster preview has lots of native nudity on display.  While many of the titles will be overly familiar to people like me who have watched lots of public domain horror films from the era, there were still enough movies here I had never heard of to at least keep me entertained (The Vampire’s Ghost, The Whispering Shadow, and Dr. Satan’s Robot).  

Oh, and you might be surprised that there are no Universal titles in this collection.  Never fear.  They are the subject of Something Weird’s next compilation, which I plan to review soon.

Here’s the full trailer rundown:  White Zombie, King Kong, Mark of the Vampire, The Black Room, MGM Triple Horror Feature (Mark of the Vampire / The Mask of Fu Manchu / Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde), I Married a Witch, I Walked with a Zombie, The Leopard Man, Hangover Square, The Body Snatcher, The Curse of the Cat People, Arsenic and Old Lace, Maniac, The Vampire's Ghost, The Catman of Paris, The Valley of the Zombies, Ghosts on the Loose, Spooks Run Wild, The Invisible Ghost, The Beast with Five Fingers, Scared to Death, Mighty Joe Young, The Mask of Diijon, The Mysterious Island, Son of Kong, The Whispering Shadow, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (1941), Doctor Satan's Robot, Cat People, The Seventh Victim, Isle of the Dead, The Undying Monster, Flesh and Fantasy, The Flying Serpent, The Uninvited, Dead of Night, Devil Monster, The White Gorilla, The Monster and the Ape, Who Killed Doc Robbin?, Bride of the Gorilla, The Mad Magician, and House of Wax (1953).

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: STREAM AND STREAM AGAIN… AND AGAIN… AND AGAIN…

It’s that time of the year once again.  Time to put everything else on hold and watch nothing but horror flicks from dusk till dawn.  For the month of October, I will be streaming 31 horror movies from 31 different sources, whether they be streaming online, through my TV, or on my Roku player.  

Since my schedule doesn’t really permit me to post a horror movie review a day, I will instead be uploading them whenever I have the time.  Rest assured; I will review at least 31 of them.  As in previous years, the festivities will continue far past October 31st as I will be watching and reviewing any and all miscellaneous horror flicks under the “Halloween Hangover” banner.  

I can’t wait to see what this month has in store for us.  Will the movies be tricks?  Or will they be treats?  Only one way to find out, so let’s get trick-or-treating!

DUSK TO DAWN DRIVE-IN TRASH-O-RAMA SHOW VOL. 2 (1996) *** ½

This second installment of trailer trash from Something Weird kicks off with a fantastic trailer for a Kung Fu double feature of Devil Woman and Dragons Never Die that manages to steal taglines from Last House on the Left (“Keep Repeating:  IT’S ONLY A MOVIE!”), Children of the Damned ("Beware the Eyes That Paralyze!”), AND come up with an amazing tagline of their own (“Take Yo’ Mama to See It Before Someone Else Does!”).  Other great taglines belong to TNT Jackson (“With That Dynamite Bod, She’s a Jet-Black Hit Squad!”), Killers Three (“Dick Clark…A Guy with a Gun!”), and Crypt of Dark Secrets (“You Pay for the Whole Seat… You’ll Only Use the Edge!”).

What makes this installment so much fun is the vast variety of exploitation subgenres on display.  It doesn’t focus on a particular one for too long before moving on to another, and that makes for a breezy good time.  There’s crime (The Italian Connection and The Outside Man), Blaxploitation (Car Wash and Hit Man), Burt Reynolds vehicles (White Lightning and Shamus), ‘70s Coming of Age comedies (Teenage Graffiti and The Van), pseudo-documentaries (The Devil’s Triangle and The Force Beyond), Italian Horror (Suspiria and Hatchet for the Honeymoon), William Girdler movies (Asylum of Satan and Three on a Meathook), biker flicks (The Born Losers and Devil’s Angels), and sexy ‘70s Sci-Fi (Galaxina and The Love Factor), just to name a few.

The highlight is the trailer for The Hidan of Maukbeiangjow (AKA:  Invasion of the Girl Snatchers) in which offscreen producers try to come up with a better title for the movie.  I also enjoyed being lulled into a trance by the Hypno-Wheel for “The Young American Mystic Cult of Horror” Spook Show.  There’s also a long stretch of trailers for WTF kid’s movies (Puss N’ Boots, Tom Thumb, Sleeping Beauty, The Brave Little Tailor, and The Wonderful Land of Oz) that is sure to befuddle any dyed-in-the-wool fan of psychotronic cinema.  

The complete trailer line-up is as follows:  Devil Woman/Dragons Never Die, Challenge to Survive, The Impossible Years, Las Vegas Lady, The Thing with Two Heads, The Italian Connection, The Outside Man, Car Wash, TNT Jackson, Kansas City Bomber, Lipstick, A Bullet for Pretty Boy, Jackson County Jail, White Lightning, Shamus, Arnold, The Devil’s Triangle, The Hidan of Maukbeiangjow, The Killer Elite, Teenage Graffiti, Killers Three, The Van, Hit Man, The Black Six, Sting of the Dragon Masters, Beyond the Door, The Night Child, The Force Beyond, Crypt of Dark Secrets, The Legend of McCullough's Mountain, Asylum of Satan, Suspiria, Torso, Hatchet for the Honeymoon, Three on a Meathook, The Manitou, Mandingo, The Born Losers, Cornbread Earl and Me, Carry on Camping, Up in the Cellar, Devil's Angels, Eye of the Cat, The Dirty Outlaws, Fearless Fighters, Infra-Man, Slumber Party Massacre, Four Flies on Grey Velvet, Phantasm, Puss 'n Boots, Tom Thumb, Sleeping Beauty, The Brave Little Tailor, The Wonderful Land of Oz, Battle Beyond the Stars, Galaxina, The Love Factor, Invasion of the Bee Girls, Raw Meat, The Devil's Wedding Night, Deathmaster, The Young American Mystic Cult of Horror, and The Mad Doctor of Blood Island.

CHINA GIRL (1974) **

China Girl is a slick looking, but mostly dull ‘70s Kung Fu/Spy/Porno flick.  James freakin’ Hong stars as the leader of Dragon, a crime syndicate who is eager to get their hands on a top-secret mind control formula.  He kidnaps the high-ranking scientists who created the formula, and eventually sets his sights on sexy scientist Annette Haven.  It’s then up to a handsome stud spy (Tom Douglass) to save her.  

Much more than your average run-of-the-mill porno, China Girl looks fairly expensive, and with the participation of Hong (who really was no stranger to dirty movies), it often feels like a “real” film that somehow wound up with a handful of hardcore scenes spliced in here and there.  Haven (who was only appearing in her second movie) looks sexy as always and further helps give the proceedings a touch of class.  Haven naturally figures into the big centerpiece sex scene, where she is “interrogated” by four of Dragon’s sexy female agents (and then three male ones).  It’s a good showcase for her charms, although it never quite gets your blood boiling.  

The other sex scenes are few and far between, which is the big problem.  (They also suffer from having dialogue scenes intercut with the action, which prevents them from gaining momentum.)  If you can’t really deliver on the XXX action, you should at least make sure the Kung Fu fights, action, and espionage drama is up to par.  That isn’t the case, however.  These sequences might be “good for a porno”, but they wouldn’t cut it in a real Hollywood production.  

If you’re looking for a down and dirty flick, you might be a little disappointed.  If you want an old school XXX movie that has more plot than hardcore action, this will fit the bill.  If anything, China Girl is a reminder of the days when dirty movies tried to be respectable.  Unfortunately, this one might just be a little too respectable for its own good.

MY DINNER WITH HERVE (2018) ** ½

Herve Villechaize was a little person with a larger-than-life personality.  He wasn’t exactly a great actor, but he had that certain something that made him a star.  Like most stars, he succumbed to excess.  However, he left his mark on the world of pop culture portraying one of the most memorable James Bond henchmen, Nick Nack in The Man with the Golden Gun and Tattoo on Fantasy Island.  My Dinner with Herve is a frustrating, yet fitfully absorbing biopic that never quite lives up to its subject.  

Peter Dinklage is excellent as Herve.  Although he doesn’t look a whole lot like Herve (who does?), he captures his voice and mannerisms quite well.  Jamie Dornan isn’t nearly as memorable as the ex-alcoholic reporter who is hired to pen a fluff piece on Villechaize, and predictably, gets more than he bargained for.  

Villechaize is a fascinating person.  In addition to being a beloved movie star, he was also an accomplished painter.  While we catch glimpses on what the real Herve must’ve been like, the film often wallows in the cliched tabloid rags to riches to rags stuff found in most biopics.  The framework doesn’t do the movie any favors either, and every time the focus switches from Herve to the reporter’s personal woes, things stop dead in their tracks.  (It’s ham-fistedly telegraphed that the reporter is ultimately going to learn a big lesson from Herve and clean himself up before it’s too late.)  I can’t help but imagine what the flick could’ve been if it had settled on a more straightforward storytelling device.  

Luckily, whenever Dinklage is on screen (which is often), it’s a lot of fun.  I could nitpick a lot more about the storytelling choices (his role in Forbidden Zone isn’t even mentioned), but the fact remains that this is a great vehicle for Dinklage.  If you’re a fan of either he or Villechaize, it’s worth watching, even if it isn’t wholly satisfying.  I also enjoyed seeing Andy Garcia playing Villechaize’s Fantasy Island co-star, Ricardo Montalban.  It’s just a shame he’s portrayed as such a one-note character.  (The guy they got to play Roger Moore for the Man with the Golden Gun scenes is awesome though.)  David Strathairn is quite good too as Herve’s long-suffering agent.

GIRLS AT THE GYNECOLOGIST (1973) **

Girls at the Gynecologist is a rip-off of the Schoolgirl Report series.  This time instead of some reporter investigating the sexual mores of young schoolgirls, we have a gynecologist (we never see his face as all the examination scenes are done in first-person POV) who examines young schoolgirls.  Afterwards, they describe for the doctor the circumstances that brought them into his office.  The girls range in age from fourteen to twenty.  

The first girl loses her virginity on a train to a cocky stranger.  When he fails to satisfy her, she turns her attention to a sexy, older lesbian photographer.  The next young lady feels a burning sensation down in her nether region and gets checked out, only to learn that the fling she had while on vacation has left her with a case of the clap.  Another gal goes to the doctor for birth control against her prudish mother’s wishes.  The next patient is a promiscuous teenager with a clueless father who gets an STD from a burly construction worker.  Another is gang raped by a pack of bikers.  The next segment is the most humorous as a self-conscious girl with a small bustline wants bigger boobs and is reminded of huge breasts wherever she goes.  In the final tale, the doctor fights to save a woman’s life after her boyfriend forces her to have a back-alley abortion.  

Despite the lurid title (which was just a retitling to lure in more viewers), there’s nothing especially titillating here.  There are couple of graphic speculum shots during the exam scenes (which look like they were spliced in from another source to add a little spice to the otherwise bland goings on), but that’s not nearly enough to make it memorable.  It’s definitely not as much fun as the Schoolgirl Report series, and the uneven tone from segment to segment doesn’t help matters either.  

If you want to see girls at the gynecologist, then Girls at the Gynecologist will be the movie for you.  It delivers on exactly what the title promises.  Nothing more.  Nothing less.  Those hoping for something more will be let down. 

AKA:  Teenage Sex Report.  AKA:  The Teeny Boppers.

THE CAPITOL CONSPIRACY (1999) ***

When Don “The Dragon” Wilson was a kid, the government stuck him in a lab and experimented on his brain.  Now a federal agent, he uses psychic powers to hunt down criminals.  The persons of interest on his latest assignment seem to have similar powers of ESP.  When they all wind up dead under mysterious circumstances, Don begins to suspect someone is trying to cover up the top-secret project… and that he might be the next victim.  

Directed by Fred Olen Ray and produced by Roger Corman, The Capitol Conspiracy delivers just about what you would expect from a Don “The Dragon” Wilson movie directed by Fred Olen Ray and produced by Roger Corman.  There are plenty of fight scenes, gratuitous nudity, and well… that’s about it.  Then again, that’s about all you need.

Since this is a Ray picture, it’s fun seeing his usual cast of cohorts popping up here and there.  Richard Gabai turns up as a Fed, Robert Quarry is a senior agent, and best of all, Wendy Schumaker (using the name Alexander Keith) is Wilson’s busty partner.  We also get Jim Wynorski favorite, Arthur Roberts as one of Wilson’s superiors, Skinamax legend Paul Michael Robinson as an assassin, and none other than Barbara freakin’ Steele as Wilson’s boss.  Say what you will about the film’s shortcomings, but I say anytime you get to see Barbara Steele barking orders at Don “The Dragon” Wilson, it can’t be all bad.  

The surprisingly sturdy script keeps finding ways for Wilson to kickbox his way out of one predicament or the other, which helps keep things moving at a steady clip.  (Drunken wrestlers sexually harassing stewardesses on a plane, surly bikers in a bar finding out he’s a cop, etc.)  I also liked the fact that Wilson’s psychic tendencies help him out of a couple of jams, like when he is able to jump over (and under) a speeding car during a big chase scene. 

Ray (who also turns up in a cameo as a gunman) brings his usual proficiency to the Skinamax-style sex and nude scenes, which further help to liven up the proceedings.  The only real debit is the constant use of black and white flashbacks to Wilson being experimented on as a kid.  They’re mostly only there to pad out the running time, but they aren’t too intrusive overall.  Too bad the ending just sort of fizzles out.

Wilson is his usual charismatic self, but it’s Wendy Schumacher who steals the movie.  She looks great and is equally impressive while toting a gun as she is participating in nude scenes.  This was her last major role and it’s a shame she didn’t stick around in the business because she was always a welcome presence in these kinds of films.

AKA:  Prophet.  AKA:  Fist of Doom.

REVENGE OF THE SHOGUN WOMEN (1982) ****

From the makers of the excellent 3-D Kung Fu flick, Dynasty comes another awesome chopsocky classic that utilizes exploitation pioneer Michael Findlay’s “Super Depth” 3-D process.  It’s chockfull of stuff flying out of the screen.  Usually, whenever I review a 3-D movie, I give a rundown of all the 3-D effects that leap out at the audience.  If I did that for Revenge of the Shogun Women, this review would be ten-thousand words long.  Just know that tons of swords, fireballs, spears, arrows, sticks, lanterns, and poles jut out of the screen at a breakneck pace.  Many of these effects occur during a scene transition, which effectively works as a jump scare.  (I jumped more than once.)  If that isn’t a recommendation, I don’t know what is.  

Like Dynasty, Revenge of the Shogun Women is a rather typical Kung Fu movie that is enhanced by the omnipotent 3-D effects.  This one has an added dose of the rape n’ revenge genre, which gives it a little bit more of a nastier edge than Dynasty.  There’s also a terrific synthesizer score that sounds like something John Carpenter would’ve cooked up, which helps heighten the tension.

Bandits roam from village to village, ransacking homes, killing men, and raping women.  The rape victims are then sent to convents where their heads are shaved, and they are taught Kung Fu.  When the bandits interrupt a doctor and his bride’s nuptials, they turn to the Shogun Women for help.  The bald Buddhist babes eventually agree to help battle the bandits. 

The effects are gratuitous.  If you’re one of those people who like 3-D movies to admire the depth and scope of the frame, then this isn’t the flick for you.  If you’re like me and want to see a 3-D film that takes full advantage of the medium and constantly bombard the audience with stuff popping out at the screen, then this is the movie you’ve been waiting for.  This is the kind of 3-D film where a character says they’re going to a carnival, and it doesn’t advance the plot at all.  It just gives the filmmakers an excuse to film sword swallowers, knife throwers, and flame eaters hurling more crap at the audience’s eyeballs.  There’s also a great moment when the main Shogun Woman reveals her identity to the villain, triggering a rapid-fire array of flashbacks that play like a greatest hits compilation of all the 3-D effects that previously occurred in the film.  That is to say, it’s awesome.

AKA:  13 Golden Nuns.  AKA:  Revenge.  AKA:  13 Nuns.

THOR: LOVE AND THUNDER (2022) ***

While the God of Thunder, Thor (Chris Hemsworth) is having out-of-this-world adventures with the Guardians of the Galaxy, back on Earth, his former flame, Jane (Natalie Portman) is fighting Stage 4 cancer.  With her prospects looking grim, she resorts to stealing Thor’s hammer, which not only keeps the cancer at bay, but turns her into a hammer-wielding goddess superheroine.  Meanwhile, Gorr, the God Butcher (Christian Bale) is going around the galaxy slaying gods left and right and seeks to make Thor his next victim.  

Returning Thor:  Ragnarok director Taika Waititi once again infuses the Thor brand with his style of irreverent humor.  While Love and Thunder doesn’t soar quite as high as the last entry, it’s a thoroughly entertaining outing, and is certainly more fun than the God of Thunder’s first two adventures.  Some of the running gags work better (the love triangle between Jane, Thor, and his old hammer) than others (the screaming goats).  I especially liked the goofy scenes of Thor fighting alongside the Guardians of the Galaxy in the early going.  (Would that make them the Asguardians of the Galaxy?)  This section of the film feels like a filmed version of a Marvel Team-Up comic.  

It feels a little choppy in places, mostly because the film keeps shifting gears from genre to genre.  (We get everything from space adventure to black and white horror movie to Terms of Endearment-style dramady.)  Although it lacks the confidence and freshness of Ragnarok, it hits some surprising emotional beats along the way, which really can’t be said about many of the MCU movies.  I wish the tone had been a little bit more consistent, but overall, it works more often than not.  

Returning stars Hemsworth and Portman once again display a lot of chemistry.  Hemsworth is particularly winning whenever he leans into the goofier aspects of the character.  (I loved the Jean-Claude Van Damme homage during the opening battle.)  The new cast members are inspired.  Bale gives it all he’s got as the tortured, brooding villain, and is given a better arc in one film than most Marvel heroes get in one “Phase”.  It was also fun seeing Russell Crowe turning up as Zeus and playing him as an obnoxious Greek stereotype.  (I almost expected him to say “Cheeseburger… cheeseburger… cheeseburger…” at one point.)

Marvel Cinematic Universe Scorecard: 

Spider-Man:  No Way Home:  ****

Avengers:  Age of Ultron:  ****

The Incredible Hulk:  ****

Iron Man:  ****

Thor:  Ragnarok:  ****

Avengers:  Endgame:  ****

Ant-Man and the Wasp:  ****

Spider-Man:  Homecoming:  ****

Iron Man 3:  ****

Captain America:  Civil War:  *** ½

Ant-Man:  *** ½

Guardians of the Galaxy:  *** ½

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2:  *** ½ 

Avengers:  Infinity War:  *** ½

Black Panther:  *** ½ 

The Avengers:  ***

Captain America:  The First Avenger:  ***

Captain America:  The Winter Soldier:  ***

Thor:  Love and Thunder:  ***

Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness:  ***

Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings:  ***

Captain Marvel:  ***

Spider-Man:  Far from Home:  ***

Thor:  ***

Thor:  The Dark World:  ***

Iron Man 2:  ***

Doctor Strange:  ** ½ 

Black Widow:  ** ½  

Eternals:  * ½ 

BAD GIRLS IN THE MOVIES (1986) ** ½

Bad Girls in the Movies is a compilation flick clocking in at just under an hour that showcases clips, scenes, and trailers for exploitation movies featuring bad girls, tough dames, racy women, and hot harlots.  

The framing device revolves around a bad girl named Tina (Ella Fial) being thrown in jail.  She gets sent to see the prison shrink (Ann Sherwood) who demands to know what being a bad girl is all about.  Tina gives her a lot of lip before eventually making with the clips.  Segments are devoted to movies about prostitutes, bad things happening to “good” girls, worthless men, and women who can fight and shoot.

The wraparound scenes with the babe behind bars are pretty unnecessary and feel like padding more than anything else.  Because of the prison motif used in the framing device, I thought they’d at least show some clips from juvenile delinquent or at the very least, Women in Prison movies, but unfortunately, that wasn’t the case.  If they cut back on all that jazz and stuck to playing B-movie clips, it might’ve been a real winner because there is some great stuff here.  

Fans of Al Adamson and Doris Wishman will be happy as many snippets of their films are featured.  My favorite moments include highlights from the trailer for Wishman’s Another Day, Another Man and the great “Want to see some boobies?” scene from Adamson’s Angels’ Wild Women.  Most of the scenes are taken from films from the ‘70s, but I liked that it also showed a lot of newsreel footage and scenes from “Scare” films of the ‘30s.  

For whatever reason, the scenes from Wishman’s movies are taken from the trailers.  Personally, I would’ve liked to have seen them in their entirety.  (The only one that’s shown in its complete form is, appropriately enough, Bad Girls Go to Hell.)  Fortunately, the best parts from the trailers are often used.  

Writer/director Domonic Paris made another compilation (that also had way too many wraparound scenes), Film House Fever, the same year.  

JURASSIC WORLD: DOMINION (2022) ** ½

Well, it finally happened.  They made a Jurassic Park movie where the dinosaurs are more interesting than the human characters.  That’s perfectly acceptable though.  I mean, if you’re going to watch a dinosaur flick just to see dinosaurs stomping and chomping, you might as well care about them as characters.  

The script is a little rickety though.  It seemed like they wanted to bring back all the old characters from the Jurassic Park saga, but the filmmakers still felt obligated to continue the storyline from the last movie, Jurassic World:  Whatever the Hell They Called That One, so they just sort of split the difference.  That flick at least ended on a tantalizing note:  Dinosaurs cohabitating with humans.  This one kind of wraps up that storyline with a lame internet news video about the aftermath of the last one before doing its own thing.  Since “its own thing” features scenes of cowboys lassoing dinosaurs (which has major Valley of Gwangi vibes), raptors teaching their babies to hunt, and an underground dinosaur fight club, I can’t be overly critical about it.  

The scenes between Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard are rather meh.  Pratt in particular just seems to be going through the motions, as he displays little of the spark and charm that he brought to the previous movies.  It’s hard to entirely blame him though since the screenplay gave him next to nothing to do.  

The stuff with the O.G. J.P. crew work slightly better.  The “getting the band back together” scenes between Sam Neill, Laura Dern, and Jeff Goldblum are kind of fun, but it often seems like it came out of a completely different movie.  It’s almost as if they duct-taped two scripts together in an effort to appease the old school Jurassic Park fans and the newfangled Jurassic World fans.  That wouldn’t have been so bad if the film didn’t wait until the last twenty minutes to bring the new and old characters together.  Even then, it might’ve been forgivable had the script given the two crews any memorable interactions.  Like most of these legacy sequels, it just kind of reeks of missed opportunities.  

Human drama was never the series’ strong suit, so it’s sort of easy to write off a lot of the screenplay’s shortcomings.  Individual action sequences work as fun, mindless popcorn fodder, and the film is more entertaining than not.  Scenes of characters evading dinosaurs on a cracking frozen lake and parachuting into a swarm of flying dinosaurs pack a punch.  Ultimately, these moments feel more like levels in a video game than a movie.  It’s never dull; I’ll give it that.  It just feels a bit half-baked and forgettable.

EXPENSIVE TASTES (1978) *** ½

Maria Lease (using the pseudonym Jennifer Ray) directed this notorious roughie that still has the power to shock more than forty years after its original release.  It’s startlingly effective, not only because of its grungy grindhouse aesthetic, but because it’s a damned good movie too.

Joey Silvera and his girlfriend (Chrissy Peterson) are enjoying a nice evening in when a gang of masked home invaders tie him up and rape her.  As it turns out, this is just the sick way Joey and his buddies get their kicks.  A detective then hires a sexy call girl (Phaery Burd) to trap Joey and his rapist buddies.  

Although the opening gang scene is grueling, nasty, and long (almost twenty minutes), it does have a cinematic quality to it that makes it effective.  Lease does an equally impressive job during the scene where Silvera and his lover (Elaine Wells) get it on while a dirty movie is projected onto their bodies.  As this scene suggests, Expensive Tastes is in turns arty and exploitative, and sometimes works on both levels simultaneously.  It also earns points for focusing on the main character’s trauma.  Because of that, the film is not a mere catalyst for titillation, but also a psychological examination of emotional turmoil.  

Even the so-called “normal” sex scenes have a sleazy edge to them.  I’m thinking specifically of the scene where a hooker licks a guy’s hairy asshole.  Lease also made the Little Girls Blue movies (under her more well-known name, Joanna Williams), and they couldn’t be any more different.  Much of the film is definitely depraved and bawdy, but since it is taken from the female gaze, it has a touch of pathos and sympathy for the characters that are rarely found in the roughie genre.  

It's not quite perfect though.  The ending is awfully pat, and the plot is wrapped up way too quickly.  Still, if you’re looking for a Golden Age porn flick that has something more to offer than just cheap smutty thrills, then Expensive Tastes will fit the bill nicely.

AKA:  Expensive Taste.

SHANTY TRAMP (1967) ***

K. Gordon Murray, the American distributor best known for importing Mexican horror flicks stateside (not to mention the WTF children’s classic, Santa Claus) produced this sleazy southern fried sexploitation shocker.  If you love your smut with overexaggerated southern accents, beat-up film stock, ADHD camerawork, AND pointed anti-racist social commentary, then Shanty Tramp is for you!  Still not convinced?  Then the kick-ass theme song (which will live rent-free for days after you see it) will definitely change your mind.  

Eleanor Vaill stars as Emily, the titular tramp with a reputation.  She even openly flirts with the holy rolling preacher (Bill Rogers) after his sermon.  When her biker client gets too rough with her, a young black man (Lewis Galen) steps in and saves her.  Naturally, Emily thanks him the only way she knows how… with her body.  Predictably, her drunkard father (Otto Schlessinger) finds them in the throes of passion, and to save what little reputation she has, Emily claims she was raped.  Soon, the whole town is in an uproar.  

Shanty Tramp is sleazy, skeevy, and stupid, but the fact that it managed to tell its message so brazenly within the confines of a sexploitation movie makes it kind of special.  I mean, no one will mistake it for In the Heat of the Night or anything.  You just have to admire the way it wears its social consciousness on its sleeve.  While much of the technical merits are dubious at best, the editing is often dynamic and effective.  

Vaill is a hoot and a holler while delivering her sassy monologues.  She chews the scenery admirably and has several nude scenes too.  The real reason to see Shany Tramp though is for the theme song.  It is, as the kids say nowadays, a banger.  Too bad they play an annoying rendition of “When the Saints Come Marching In” three times as much.  

Future Porky’s director Bob Clark was the assistant director, and Vaill and Rogers also starred in Herschell Gordon Lewis’ A Taste of Blood the same year.