LOVE LETTERS OF A PORTUGUESE NUN (1977) ***

Maria (Susan Hemingway) is an innocent teenage girl who gets caught making time with a guy in the woods by the nosy Father Vicente (William Berger).  He takes Maria back to her mother and demands she be sent to a convent for her own good.  First order of business when she gets there:  Mother Superior (Ana Zanatti) has to do a hymen check.  Purely a formality, you understand. 

Later, Father Vicente hears Maria’s confession and beats off while she tells him about her naughty nightmares of getting carnal with her cousin.  Before Maria can even get fitted for her nun’s habit, she’s informed she’s got to wear a crown of thorns over her naughty bits, even if it draws blood.  I love it when they strictly enforce the dress code like that.  Eventually our heroine discovers Mother Superior is a card-carrying Satan worshipper with a penchant for lesbian orgies.  When Maria proves to be more trouble than she’s worth, Mother Superior decides to have her tried as a witch.

Director Jess Franco really took his time on this one.  He slowly draws you in by doling out the exploitation and supernatural elements in a deliberate manner.  That doesn’t necessarily get in the way of the fun.  In fact, it makes it feel a little bit classier than your typical Franco fuck fest.  He even shows, dare I say, RESTRAINT in some scenes. 

Franco delivers some good imagery too.  The dream scenes where a hairy-handed Satan (Herbert Fux) scratches and paws at nubile nun flesh are particularly well done.  He even tosses in some Mark of the Devil-style torture sequences for variety as well.  Sure, none of this is particularly over the top.  I’m sure it probably won’t wow you the way Sadomania or Female Vampire will.  However, Love Letters of a Portuguese Nun still packs in enough sleaze to satisfy fans of Franco and nunsploitation in general.

AKA:  Love Letters from a Portuguese Nun. 

FEMALE JUNGLE (1955) ** ½

A blonde movie star is strangled outside a seedy dive bar.  Lawrence Tierney is a drunk off-duty detective who is found shit-faced at the scene.  Problems arise when witnesses remember seeing him with a blonde who just may have been the victim.  Since he blacked out during the time of the murder, he can’t refute their claims.  It’s then up to Tierney to nose his way into the investigation and find the real killer, or at least keep his name off the suspect list.    

Female Jungle was the first film directed by rotund character actor Bruno (Attack of the Giant Leeches) VeSota.  He has a stark, no-nonsense style that is perfectly suited to film noir.  Although some of the budgetary restrictions are evident (the ADR is terrible), there is plenty of atmosphere to go around. 

Tierney makes for a compelling lead, but it’s the supporting performances that makes it stand out.  The great John Carradine shines as a rich gossip columnist who acted as a mentor to the victim.  Burt Kaiser (who also co-wrote and co-produced) does some fine, sweaty overacting as an alcoholic caricaturist.  Kathleen Crowley is also quite good as Kaiser’s long-suffering wife, and the next potential victim.

The real reason to see it is for Jayne Mansfield.  This was either Mansfield’s first filmed performance or her first film that was released, depending on what you read.   She makes an immediate impression playing (what else?) a sex-crazed seductress.  She’s fun to watch as she juggles men, guzzles booze, and breathlessly recites lines like, “You’re trouble… you always will be!  Now I’ve come along to give you a taste of your own medicine!”

Despite the stylish touches, fun performances, and the sight of a young Mansfield chewing the scenery, the plot really takes a nosedive in the second half.  It’s here when the film becomes populated with too many characters and winds up spinning itself in narrative circles.  The chase finale is anticlimactic, and the final wrap-up runs on way too long.  Still, just for Tierney’s growling and Mansfield’s sultriness, it’s worth watching. 

VeSota’s next film as a director was The Brain Eaters.

AKA:  The Hangover.  

CHARLIE’S ANGELS (2019) ** ½

The world didn’t ask for a stripped-down, three-chords Charlie’s Angels reboot, but we got one anyway.  The results aren’t nearly as bad as they could’ve been, all things considered.  While it’s lacking the effervescence of the original ‘70s TV show and the pop culture bubble gum aesthetic of the previous big-screen iterations, it has its own distinct groove.  It also surprisingly honors the previous versions in ways I won’t spoil, and because of that, it feels less like another cash-grab retread, and more like an honest continuation of what came before. 

The inspiration seems to come from the Christopher McQuarrie-directed Mission:  Impossible movies, with its muted colors, close-quarters fights, and modest, but capable action sequences.  It was not a hit, so who’s to say if we will get another one any time soon.  At any rate, this Charlie’s Angels makes for perfectly acceptable lazy afternoon entertainment. 

A corporate whistleblower named Elena (Naomi Scott) is about to go public with knowledge that her Alexa-esque device can be weaponized and turns to The Townsend Agency for help.  At the rendezvous, Bosley (Djimon Hounsou) is killed by a gunman, and the Angels Sabina (Kristen Stewart) and Jane (Ella Balinska) are left in the wind.  Another Bosley (Elizabeth Banks, who also directed) steps in to help the Angels, but she may or may not be the one behind the set-up. 

There are only two Angels in this one, which is a bit odd.  I know Elena winds up being slowly groomed into the role, but I guess that just goes back to the whole stripped-down approach Banks was going for.  Stewart and Balinska play off each other pretty well as they make an ideal mismatched pair.  Stewart in particular seems to be having a blast.  After so many painfully serious dramatic roles, she looks like she’s relishing the opportunity to let her hair (or at least her wig) down and have some fun.

Banks does an admirable job with the action scenes.  Unlike her male counterparts, she doesn’t rely on a bunch of shaky-cam nonsense during the shootouts, fight scenes, and car chases.  In fact, she probably holds back just a touch too much as things never really kick into overdrive.  (The finale is curiously low on fireworks.)  The film honestly needed at least one big action sequence to put it over the top into *** territory.  I for one was missing the bombastic exuberance of the McG movies.  Still, for Charlie’s Angels fans who absolutely positively have to have more Charlie’s Angels, this should fit the bill.

THE OLD GUARD (2020) **

Charlize Theron, sporting short black hair, dark sunglasses, and looking HAWT, leads a team of immortal soldiers who have been fighting together throughout the millennium righting wrongs and killing bad guys.  Chiwetel Ejiofor hires them for their next assignment, a rescue mission in South Sudan, but it’s all a trick to flush them out into the open.  He’s working for some Big Pharma asshole (How do we know he’s a Big Pharma asshole?  Because he says, “Big Pharma” about a dozen times, that’s why.), played by Harry Melling who is looking to create his own super-soldier drug.  He kidnaps two of their team members, and while he’s busy experimenting on them, Charlize is recruiting a new immortal soldier (KiKi Layne) to help rescue them. 

The Old Guard is based on a comic book I never heard of, so this might be the closest thing we get to a Marvel movie this year.  Like most Netflix original films, it’s about twenty or thirty minutes longer than it really needed to be.  While some of the character interactions are appreciated and help give them a real lived-in quality, many of the flashbacks and world-building aspects fall flat.  I can’t help but think that this wouldn’t have crackled with some tighter editing.

I commend director Gina Prince-Blythewood’s attempt to make The Old Guard more of a socially conscious actioner.  The casting is diverse, and two of the male team members are lovers.  Those touches help to at least make it memorable. 

Too bad most of the action bits are generic.  I mean, I don’t know how you could screw up Charlize Theron slicing up dudes with a battle axe, but somehow even these scenes feel like something from a ‘90s Action Pack show.  The only action moment that works is when Theron is giving the new recruit a fighting tutorial in a plane that’s about to crash.  As far as black-haired Charlize Theron actioners go, it’s not a patch on Aeon Flux. 

I like the IDEA of the movie.  I mean, it’s basically Highlander Meets Navy SEALS with touches of Wolverine tossed in there.  (The characters drink a lot and have the ability to push bullets out of their skulls after they’ve been shot in the head.)  It just never really finds its footing.  Despite some of the new school touches, the uninspired action in The Old Guard ultimately makes it feel like an old hat.  

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: STROSZEK (1977) ***

I taped this off Turner Classic Movies on September 7, 2017.  It was part of a Werner Herzog marathon, and this was the only one I hadn’t seen.  It tells the tale of Bruno Stroszek (Bruno S.), who gets out of jail after serving a long stretch for alcohol-fueled infractions.  First thing he does when he gets out is go to the bar, order a beer, and bring a hooker home.  This Stroszek is my kind of dude.  When he finds out the streetwalker, whose name is Eva (Eva Mattes), is still being beaten up by her pimp, he convinces her to go with him and his old fogey roommate (Clemens Scheitz) to Wisconsin to begin life anew. 

Like most Herzog movies, Stroszek has a weird allure to it that most filmmakers just can’t replicate.  From using a mentally challenged leading man to the preemie ward scene, there are moments here that run the gamut from hauntingly beautiful to downright bizarre.  All of this is wildly uneven to be sure, and sometimes the stories behind the making of the film outshine the finished product itself.  (Herzog decided to film in Plainfield, Wisconsin just because it was the birthplace of Ed Gein.)

The film is essentially broken into two halves.  The first is Stroszek getting out of jail and befriending Eva.  The second is their Wisconsin adventure.  Both have their definite ups and downs.  The German-set scenes are sometimes dawdling, but that kind of adds to the offbeat “hang out” kind of vibe.  The Wisconsin scenes are a bit of a mixed bag too as the finale goes on far too long.  (How many shots of dancing chickens does one need?) 

I can’t say Stroszek is a perfect movie.  What I can say is that it’s a strange, unique, and sometimes poignant one.  It is simultaneously a love letter to and a condemnation of the American Dream as we know it.  So, because of that, it’s definitely worth checking out.

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: THE PHANTOM THIEF (1946) ** ½

I taped this off Turner Classic Movies on September 2, 2017.  It is the eleventh in a series of fourteen Boston Blackie movies starring Chester Morris.  It’s not one of Blackie’s best, but it’s a decent installment all things considered. 

This time out, Blackie’s sidekick, The Runt (George E. Stone) gets in hot water when he tries to help a childhood friend.  Together, they unwittingly steal a valuable necklace and soon, the cops are hot on their trail.  The pair turn to Boston Blackie for help, and before long, they wind up on the doorstep of a phony spiritualist, who invites them to a front row seat to his show.  Naturally, when the lights go out, The Runt’s buddy winds up dead.  The blowhard Detective Farraday (Richard Lane) arrives on the scene and as usual, wants to throw the book at Boston Blackie.  It’s then up to Blackie to escape Farraday’s clutches and get to the bottom of the mystery.

Although the overall quality of The Phantom Thief is a bit inconsistent, the séance scenes are a lot of fun, which helps make this entry feel like an old Monogram movie and/or Old Dark House murder mystery.  One sequence features hovering horns, a bedsheet ghost, and a disembodied hand flying about.  The bit where The Runt comes face to face with a floating skeleton is pretty funny too.  I just wish journeyman director D. Ross Lederman (who also directed the next Boston Blackie film, Boston Blackie and the Law) had leaned into the horror aspects a little more.

Other than that, there’s nothing else here to really separate The Phantom Thief from the other films in the Boston Blackie series.  The mystery itself isn’t particularly involving, and despite the hour-long running time, the pacing is a bit sluggish in the second half.  There are some amusing moments sprinkled about (like Blackie’s penchant for disguises), and Morris’ charm carries the movie a long way.  I don’t think it would be enough to convert newbies to the world of Boston Blackie, but it’s a serviceable sequel, nonetheless. 

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: JASON BOURNE (2016) * ½

I recorded this off HBO (I think we might’ve actually been getting HBO at this point and not just waiting around for free previews, but I can’t exactly remember) back on July 28, 2017. 

After sitting out the fourth Bourne movie, The Bourne Legacy, Matt Damon returned for the fifth in the franchise, Jason Bourne.  I don’t know why they just didn’t go ahead and call it Bourne Again.  Or perhaps ReBourne.  Then again, when has Hollywood done anything that’s made sense? 

I think the most accurate title for this boring mess would’ve been Still Bourne.

Now I’ve never been a big Bourne fan.  The first one was OK, but I couldn’t bring myself to enjoy the Paul Greengrass-directed sequels.  That’s mostly because they relied far too heavily on shaky-cam bullshit, and not just during the action sequences, but for the dialogue scenes as well.  Unfortunately, Damon brought him along to the party for this installment.  You know what that means:  We’re in the shaky-cam city limits once again.  (For the record, I never saw Damon-and-Greengrass-less The Bourne Legacy, so it might even be good for all I know.)

Almost out of spite, Greengrass lets the shaky-cam shit fly right out of the shoot.  He piles it on from the very first frame and never looks back either.  You can’t even have a shot of someone picking up a telephone or a simple glimpse at a computer monitor without the camera jittering around or zooming in and out unnecessarily.  I think it’s about time he let the cameraman switch to decaf.

It’s hard to say what lured Damon, Greengrass, and company back for this one as the script is trite and cliché.  I mean they even do the Hot Shots Part Deux thing where Bourne has been spending all his time away participating in underground boxing tournaments.  The cliches don’t stop there as Bourne’s old acquaintance (Julia Stiles) quickly arrives on the scene to coax Bourne out of hiding with the old promise of There’s More to the Story You Don’t Know^TM.  Naturally, that leads to her murder, which sends Bourne on a Quest for Revenge^TM.  Oh, and would you be surprised to know it all has to do with our Hero’s Daddy Issues^TM?

I guess the crappy craftsmanship and cliched script could’ve been somewhat forgiven if we had a character we actually cared about.  Too bad Damon turns in what has got to be his all-time worst performance.  He looks barely awake half the time and doesn’t even emote once.  Unless you count glowering at a CIA agent or grimacing while being punched “emoting”.

The villains are pretty bland too, which is odd since they got some big names to fill their shoes.  Tommy Lee Jones is the Big Bad CIA Head Who’s Hiding Something^TM, Alicia Vikander is the Upstart Computer Hacker Looking to Make a Name for Herself^TM, and Vincent Cassel is the Rugged, Determined Assassin Who’s Hot on the Hero’s Trail^TM.  Everyone goes through the motions without doing anything memorable, which is a disappointment to say the least.

All the cliches and non-entertainment would’ve been okay if the action was competent.  With Greengrass at the helm, it’s all shot, cut, and presented like an ADD nightmare.  The only thing saving it from a One Star rating is the carnage created on the Las Vegas Strip when Cassel is chasing Damon and plows through two dozen cars in a SWAT vehicle before driving that bad boy THROUGH the Riviera casino.  If the camerawork and editing was good (heck, I would’ve settled for mediocre), this could’ve been a top-notch action sequence.  At least the mayhem is enough to keep you from dozing off before the lame climax.  We also get an OK one-joke fight scene, but the punchline was already spoiled in the trailers. 

In short, this one is a Bourne Loser.

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: JALOPY (1953) ** ½

This was the final feature in Turner Classic Movies' ‘50s car movie marathon that originally aired on July 26, 2017.  This was the twenty-ninth entry in the Bowery Boys series.  It’s also notable for being the first film released by Allied Artists, which had previously been known as Monogram Pictures. 

Slip (Leo Gorcey) is competing in a race in his busted old jalopy in hopes the winnings will help old timer Louie (Bernard Gorcey) save his soda shop.  He doesn’t have a prayer of winning until his pal Sach (Huntz Hall) invents a super-duper rocket fuel in the back room of the store.  When a gangster (Robert Lowery from the Batman serial) learns about their formula, he sets out to steal it before the big race.

I’m a fan of the Bowery Boys movies, so this one went down pretty smooth.  It won’t be mistaken for one of the team’s best films, but there are enough laughs here to keep easy-to-please fans happy.  Gorcey gets a couple of clever one-liners and malapropisms and Hall does an OK job doing his patented schtick.  I also liked the running gag where every time the formula explodes, sexy Jane Easton appears out of a puff of smoke, leaving Slip and Sach to believe the stuff produces girls out of thin air. 

The other Bowery Boys basically just stand around a lot as it’s more or less the Slip and Sach show the whole time.  In fact, it’s actually kind of jarring when one of the other guys speaks.  The senior Gorcey gets more to do this time out as the harried ice cream shop owner Louie.  Lowery makes for a convincing foil for the team as well, which helps.

Sure, there are some stretches where the laughs dry up.  We also get a party sequence that goes on far too long.  The ice cream fight scene is pretty lame too.  The biggest surprise is that the racing scenes are actually entertaining and exciting.  There’s a great sequence where Hall loses his hat and runs onto the track to retrieve it, effectively turning the race into an all-out demolition derby.  The finale isn’t quite as good, but it helps to end the movie on a fun note.

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: HOT CARS (1956) ***

I recorded this from Turner Classic Movies on July 26, 2017 as part of a ‘50s car-themed marathon. 

The opening scene is a great little time capsule to show you just how much times have changed.  Our hero, a used car salesman played by John Bromfield (who was also in Curucu, Beast of the Amazon the same year) takes his curvaceous customer (Joi Lansing from Hillbillys in a Haunted House) out for a spin.  Halfway through the drive, they stop off to a beachside bar for drinks! 

Though it’s a crime thriller at heart, Hot Cars should really be labeled a science fiction tale because it’s about something that doesn’t exist in nature:  An honest car salesman!  So honest is Bromfield, that when he discourages a potential customer (Ralph Clanton) from buying a lemon, he’s fired on the spot.  Stuck with a lot of bills and a sick kid, Bromfield is desperate for work.  It seems like fortune is smiling on him when the customer he turned away offers him a job.  Turns out, he’s just looking for an honest face to front his car lot, which is stocked with nothing but stolen vehicles. 

With a running time of only an hour, Hot Cars moves right along.  Donald McDougall directs with an economical, no-frills style that perfectly suits this entertaining B noir.  While the third act isn’t as crackling as the first forty-five minutes or so, it does contain an impressive fight on a rollercoaster finale.  Even though this sequence feels like it came out of an entirely different movie (you’d expect a film called Hot Cars would have at least one car chase in it), it’s nevertheless a fine capper.

McDougall also gets a lot of mileage out of his cast.  Bromfield makes for a perfectly upstanding leading man and Clanton has the right touch of bland menace about him.  Lansing is the real star though.  Looking as drop dead gorgeous as ever, she gets a lot of sultry double talk that is sure to get your motor going.  When Bromfield gives her a sales pitch, she breathlessly coos, “Yes… yes… yes… tell me more… I just love being talked into things!”  Va-va-voom!

Speaking of which, the snappy dialogue has a real rhythm to it and is fun to listen to.  (“What’s the matter with you?  Are you unpatriotic or something?  Don’t you like Washington… Lincoln… Jackson…?”)  The swinging score by Les Baxter adds a little zing to the proceedings as well.  All in all, Hot Cars winds up being a fun ride.  

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: MR. BROOKS (2007) **

Mr. Brooks has been sitting in my DVR since July 24^th, 2017, the day I taped it off The Movie Channel.  Now, I think it’s finally time to let him loose so he can do his thing.  This is one of those movies that when it came out, the previews were kind of “meh”, so I skipped it.  In the ensuing years, I have had several people recommend it to me, often times saying, “It’s totally a Mitch movie”.  Now that I have seen it, I can see why they would’ve thought that, even if I wasn’t exactly over the moon for it.

Christ, all they had to say was, “it’s from the director of Kuffs,” and I would’ve checked it out long ago.

Kevin Costner stars as the titular Mr. Brooks, a straightlaced, kind of nerdy, obscenely wealthy family man and philanthropist.  What Mrs. Brooks (Marg Helgenberger) doesn’t know is that her husband is a serial killer who has an imaginary friend (William Hurt) who goads him into killing.  When a peeping tom (Dane Cook) catches him in the act, he blackmails Mr. Brooks into letting him do a ride-along on his next murder.  Meanwhile, a detective (Demi Moore), obsessed with catching Mr. Brooks, draws closer on his trail.

Costner does a good job with playing both sides of Mr. Brooks’ identity.  I liked how he is restless and uncomfortable in his skin during his “everyday” scenes while becoming increasingly calm and collected as he closes in on his prey.  Hurt steals the movie though as the maniacal imaginary friend who acts like the devil on Costner’s shoulder.  He was still trading in on the weird energy he brought to A History of Violence, and his scenes with Costner are the best in the film.

What doesn’t work?  Basically, all the stuff with Moore.  I like her and all, but she’s sorely miscast as a tough-talking detective.  Plus, she eats up way too much screen time.  I mean, did we even need to see all her divorce proceedings?  Or the scene where she’s attacked by ANOTHER serial killer? 

The same goes for the subplot involving the possibility that Mr. Brooks’ daughter (Danielle Panabaker) is also a serial killer.  While it’s an intriguing idea, it’s just another unnecessary narrative bowling pin the movie has to juggle.  I mean, how many serial killers does a movie need?

Which brings us to Dane Cook, the fledgling serial-killer-in-training.  While I don’t hate him as much as some people do, I can only take him in small doses.  Unfortunately, we’re given an overdose of Cook.  

There is a great movie lurking somewhere underneath all the gratuitous subplots.  The scenes with Costner and Hurt alone are nearly enough to recommend it, especially if you are fans of their work (which I am).  It’s just that the less time we spend inside of Mr. Brooks’ head, the more the flick starts to feel like a by-the-numbers serial killer thriller.

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: LEGEND (2015) **

I taped this off HBO on July 23^rd, 2017.  No, it isn’t a remake of Ridley Scott’s Legend.  It’s actually about the notorious twin British gangsters, the Kray brothers.  Their story was probably most famously told in the 1990 movie The Krays, starring members of Spandau Ballet, Martin and Gary Kemp.  Instead of using real-life brothers to portray the Krays, writer/director Brian (Payback) Helgeland opted to pull a Dead Ringers and give Tom Hardy not one, but two opportunities to chew the scenery. 

Hardy plays both Ronnie and Reggie Kray, the underground gangsters who control London in the ‘60s.  Ronnie is a bespectacled madman who can barely keep his bloodlust at bay.  Reggie is only slightly more controlled and refined, if only because he’s anchored somewhat by his love for his girlfriend Frances (Emily Browning).  As the brothers’ reign of terror (which includes racketeering, extortion, blackmail, and intimidation) grows, so does the divide between Reggie and Frances.

Helgeland is a gifted writer and a fine director, but he seems an odd fit for this film.  Scenes feel assembled without conviction, the plot is episodic, and the pacing lacks an organic flow.  Despite two twitchy hotheaded performances by Hardy, the movie itself feels kind of lifeless.  Even a bloody pub brawl is sorely missing the directorial exuberance to make the violence pop.  You know you’re in trouble when you start yearning for Guy Ritchie to take the helm and give it some bollocks. 

The narration doesn’t really work either.  At first it seems like it’s only there to humanize Reggie.  Eventually, we learn that isn’t the case at all.  So, why even bother?  Because the movie would barely function without SOMEONE narrating to string all these slipshod scenes together.

I guess this would make a serviceable double feature with Bronson, another flick in which Hardy played a notorious English criminal.  There’s even a similar scene where he goes toe to toe with several prison guards.  Too bad it’s not nearly as outrageous as that film was. 

Ultimately, all this is little more than a collection of half-sketched anecdotes, gangster cliches, and bloody set pieces in search of a movie.  Still, if you ever wanted to see Tom Hardy fight himself, Legend will be worth a watch.  Let’s face it, I’ve watched worse for less.  That scene has a bit of a kick to it, but overall, the bulk of the picture is messy, rambling, and too unfocused to be wholly recommended.

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: HOUSE OF WOMEN (1962) ** ½

I taped this loose remake of Caged! off Turner Classic Movies on July 23^rd, 2017.  Shirley Knight stars as a pregnant woman behind bars.  She has the baby, which will be kept inside the prison walls in a daycare center until it turns three.  If she is still incarcerated by then, her daughter will become a ward of the state.  Andrew (Lancer) Duggan is the warden who takes a shine to Shirley and makes her his maid.  She plays up to his affections in hopes she’ll receive parole and get her daughter back.  When the warden realizes he’s being used, he denies her parole and her baby is taken away.  The inmates learn about his misdeeds and as a show of solidarity, stage a riot.

House of Women is more melodramatic than exploitative.  That’s more of an observation than a criticism.  Because of the year in which it was made, it goes without saying that it was going to be tame.  Despite being low on sleaze, there are definitely some memorable moments here.  The highlight has to be Barbara Nichols’ parole meeting that probably inspired Morgan Freeman’s similar scene in The Shawshank Redemption. 

There are also enough genre cliches here to at the very least pacify Women in Prison fans.  We have food fights, riots (the matrons subdue the prisoners using stools, just like lion tamers!), and pervert wardens.  It also has one of the best reasons for a catfight I’ve ever seen in one of these movies.  (“She drew a moustache on my picture of Troy Donahue!”)

Knight is a little milquetoast in the lead, but then again, she has to be because her character is trying to win her daughter back.  Duggan does a decent job as the warden, although he never quite blossoms into an out-and-out scumbag.  Most of the fun comes from seeing Jason Evers (the same year he starred in the classic The Brain That Wouldn’t Die!) as the kindly alcoholic prison doctor. 

While House of Women has some strong stretches, it never really gets into gear.  The finale is particularly weak as the big riot is broken up into several sections using newspaper headlines as interstitials.  It is also in this section when the focus kind of shifts from Knight to Constance Ford, who plays an inmate who flips her lid when her son dies from the guards’ negligence.  Even then, there are enough good bits in that first hour to make the flick recommended to Women in Prison die-hards.

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: THE ACCOUNTANT (2016) **

This was taped in the same block of HBO programming as Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates and The Simpsons Movie on July 23rd, 2017.  Ben Affleck stars as the titular accountant assigned to audit a giant robotics conglomerate.  He has autism which he has overcome thanks to his father’s intense military education, which includes forcing him into Ninja training at a young age.  When the owner of the company is murdered, Affleck looks for answers (no pun intended).  Soon, he finds himself on the run when some mysterious men in black come looking for him.  Little do they know this accountant is basically The Punisher with a pocket protector.

You know, it’s kind of funny to compare this to Good Will Hunting in which Affleck’s buddy Matt Damon played another math savant.  Both characters have awkward social interactions with women and spend a lot of time writing big ass math problems on the wall.  You can see how different Affleck is from Damon though because you can almost hear him saying, “I wanna play a math whiz like Matt, except, you know… maybe I can kill a lot of people?  Ooh!  And can I have a Batman-style origin story too?” 

The Accountant has a dreadfully dumb premise, but it could’ve been enjoyable if it wasn’t so dead serious about it.  Think Rambo Meets Rain Man.  However, director Gavin (Miracle) O’Connor treats the autism angle so sensitively that the movie never once becomes fun. 

Affleck is OK in the lead role, but since we can never quite buy his performance, it makes the goofy premise a hard sell.  The supporting cast is a bit of a mixed bag too.  Anna Kendrick is annoying as his nerdy accounting sidekick, Jon Bernthal and John Lithgow are pretty much wasted as the villains, and J.K. Simmons is tasked with the thankless role of the Fed on the case.  His scenes are most expendable, and his longwinded flashback scene late in the game is pretty much the final nail in the coffin for the movie. 

The first hour or so isn’t much better as it heavily involves a lot of math.  Not the most cinematic of activities to be sure.  Once Affleck and Kendrick go on the run, things improve slightly.  It’s here where the movie kind of feels like an updated variation on the old ‘70s political thriller, but with a 21^st century paintjob.  Too bad the action is lackluster, and the twist ending is predictable. 

If The Accountant wanted to be a memorable experience, it would’ve went whole hog on the nuttiness that it only hints at.  We needed less math solving and more autistic Ninjas.  I can understand why they held back though because nobody wants protest groups banning the movie for insensitively portraying people who are differently abled.  It’s just that when you mix such an odd premise with an overly serious tone, nothing ever… ahem… adds up. 

AKA:  Auditor.  AKA:  Mr. Wolff.  AKA:  The Consultant.

DUSK TO DAWN DRIVE-IN TRASH-O-RAMA SHOW VOL. 4 (1997) ***

This is the fourth collection of exploitation, grindhouse, and drive-in trailers from the purveyors of filth at Something Weird.  It is another enjoyable compilation that is consistently entertaining for fans of trailer compilations (like me).  Though some of the trailers this time around are a little on the tame side, the scads of nudity in The Devil’s Wedding Night preview almost singlehandedly makes up for it. 

Things kick off with a trailer for an obscure Blaxploitation flick called Blackjack starring William Smith and Tony Burton, followed by The Big Bust-Out (“Machine Gun Babes Mixing Death with Desire!”), and the hilarious trailer for the “Orgy of the Living Dead” marathon that features a man in a straitjacket who has just gone insane from watching Revenge of the Living Dead, Curse of the Living Dead, and Fangs of the Living Dead.  From there, we get trailers for Three Tough Guys, The Screaming Tiger, The Devil’s Wedding Night, Stacey!, Blood and Lace, Cut-Throats Nine (which has a “Terror Mask” gimmick), The Road Hustlers, Out of It, Zeta One, The Grasshopper, Naked Evil, The Strawberry Statement, Frankenstein Meets the Space Monster, Don’t Make Waves, The Ghost in the Invisible Bikini, Shaft in Africa (“The Biggest Shaft of All!”), Humanoids from the Deep, She-Devils on Wheels, Beyond the Valley of the Dolls, Creatures the World Forgot, Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine, Baby Needs a New Pair of Shoes, Musical Mutiny, The Only Way Home, The Mating Urge, The Loch Ness Horror, The Wondrous Story of Birth, Flesh Feast, Bootleggers, Psychic Killer, Three the Hard Way, Penitentiary, and Battle of the Amazons.  Then we get a run of Kung Fu flicks like Superdragon (starring “Bruce Lee”), Death Machines, Shanghai Lil and the Sun Luck Kid, and Fury of the Black Belt.  The collection concludes with previews for The Trial of Billy Jack, Detroit 9000, Black Rodeo, The Harrad Experiment, and Thunder Fist (which advertises, “Kung Fu Karate Action for the Entire Family!”).

Some of the titles skirt on the fringes of what you would expect from a “drive-in” compilation, but since many of them are super-rare and/or offbeat, it’s kind of a moot point.  Other trailers will be familiar to you, especially if you’ve seen as many trailer compilations as I have.  Then again, who’s going to mind seeing such gems as Psychic Killer and Penitentiary again?  While Dusk to Dawn Drive-In Trash-o-Rama Show Vol. 4 isn’t quite up to snuff with Vol. 3, it’s still a worthwhile addition to any trailer compilation junkie’s collection.  

TOM THUMB AND LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD (1964) ***

Here’s another Mexican kid’s movie that American distributor K. Gordon Murray redubbed and released on an unsuspecting juvenile audience.  I can’t imagine what went through the kids’ minds when they saw this back in the ‘60s.  It’s pretty much wall-to-wall nightmare fuel. 

The Wicked Stepmother rules over the storybook kingdom with an iron fist.  She puts The Big Bad Wolf and The Ogre (Jose Elias Moreno, the same actor who played Santa Claus in Santa Claus) on trial for not killing Little Red Riding Hood and Tom Thumb while monsters including Dracula and Frankenstein look on.  She then goes around terrorizing the good people of storybook land by poisoning the water supply, which turns the citizens into animals.  When Tom Thumb comes home to find his family has become mice and dogs, he joins forces with Little Red Riding Hood to bring the Wicked Stepmother down. 

The costumes are often creepy as hell.  The Big Bad Wolf looks ragged and unnatural, almost like a zombified stuffed animal that’s come to life.  They talk about the uncanny valley a lot.  This is more like an uncanny abyss.  (Also, his dubbed voice makes him sound like Jimmy Durante auditioning to play McGruff the Crime Dog.)  The Skunk Man named “Stinky” (who speaks in a Chipmunk voice) isn’t quite as bizarre, but he’s still a little sketchy (especially the scene where he lifts his tail and sprays right into a guy’s face).  The Wicked Stepmother is very faithful to the Disney version though. 

I think it’s funny that about halfway through the Good Fairy turns Tom Thumb into a regular-sized boy.  Not really because she’s doing a good deed, mind you.  It’s more like so there won’t be any more costly forced perspective special effects that will eat up the budget. 

The monsters include a robot that looks like it was borrowed from Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, a werewolf, “Father Hurricane” (who looks like the Wind Demon from The Sword and the Dragon), a fire-breathing dragon, and, uh… a serial kidnapper?!?  When he is trapped by Little Red Riding Hood, the children he abducted climb out of a burlap bag, string him up, and beat him like a pinata.  Wow.  There’s also a scene where the Wicked Stepmother threatens to pluck Little Red Riding Hood’s eyes out with her fingernails.  The kids who saw this during its original release must’ve been shitting in their pants.

That is to say, as an adult, you’ll probably enjoy it as much I did.  It’s wildly uneven, but those heights are rather weird, surreal, and just plain WTF.  If anything could make me watch a kid’s movie from the ‘60s, it’s the fact that those wild and wonderful Mexican moviemakers I love so much were at the helm.  Sure, there’s a couple of really annoying songs, but not quite as many as your average Disney flick.

There’s also something to be said for the theme of the movie, which is to forgive your past tormentors for their misdeeds and join forces with them to overcome a greater evil.  Yes, folks.  This flick was doing the X-Men 2 thing before X-Men 2 was doing it.

In short, Tom Thumb and Little Red Riding Hood may not be for all tastes, but hey, if you ever wanted to see The Big Bad Wolf being waterboarded, here’s your chance. 

AKA:  Little Red Riding Hood and the Monsters.  AKA:  Little Red Riding Hood and Tom Thumb vs. the Monsters.

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: THE SIMPSONS MOVIE (2007) **

This had been sitting in my DVR ever since July 22^nd, 2017.  It was taped as part of an HBO free preview that also included Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates.  I’m not sure why I even bothered since I haven’t watched The Simpsons on a regular basis since the early ‘90s.  I was a big fan when it first came on.  I bought the cassette tape, said “Don’t have a cow” a lot, and wore the t-shirts (which were banned in school because they had the word “hell” on it).  

The appeal of The Simpsons when I was younger was that it was more adult that your average cartoon.  However, once Beavis and Butt-Head and South Park came along, it began to look a little lightweight in comparison, so I stopped watching.  (I was always a bigger fan of Matt Groening’s Life is Hell, anyway.) Aside from a handful of cinematic looking animation sequences, it just feels like an overlong episode than a full-length movie.  The plot (which involves a dome being placed over Springfield) doesn’t really feel like it’s big enough to sustain a theatrical movie either.  The various subplots likewise fall a little short.  The idea of Flanders becoming a father figure to Bart might’ve worked, but it feels like deleted scenes from an episode that were crammed in there to pad the running time.  The same could be said about the stuff with Lisa finding a boyfriend.

That’s not to say there aren’t a few laughs here.  I liked Homer’s reaction to the Itchy and Scratchy movie, and Bart’s nude skateboard ride allows them to get away with a shot that wouldn’t fly on network TV.  It’s just the laughs kind of dry up once the “A” plot takes hold.  Another disappointing thing is the fact that the usually great Albert Brooks is pretty much wasted as the villain.  While the casting is inspired, he isn’t given much to do.  I mean if you’re going to do a movie of one of the most popular TV shows of all time, you should probably go big or go home. 

I guess for Simpsons die-hards, none of the above will matter as they probably already saw this thirteen years ago.  I'm sure it hit all the notes they were expecting it to hit.  If it didn’t win back this fallen fan, it definitely won’t convert any new ones to the fold.

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: MIKE AND DAVE NEED WEDDING DATES (2016) ***

Another HBO free preview and another slew of movies put into the DVR.  This group was from July 22^nd, 2017.  The first movie on this block of programming is the pleasant, engaging, and frequently funny Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates. 

Mike (Adam Devine) and Dave (Zac Efron) are two man-children brothers who have a habit of getting wasted and ruining every family get-together.  With their sister’s Hawaiian wedding on the horizon, their father (Stephen Root) orders them to find nice and respectable dates for the occasion.  Enter two sketchy, down-and-out friends named Alice (Anna Kendrick) and Tatiana (Aubrey Plaza) who pass themselves off as nice girls in exchange for a free trip to Hawaii, but in reality, they are just as wild and out of control as Mike and Dave. 

Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates has a one-note sitcom premise.  You might even find yourself experiencing a little bit of Wedding Crashers déjà vu.  (Heck, the characters reference the movie at one point.)  All that doesn’t really matter though if the performances are entertaining and the laughs are there, which they are.

It’s pretty much a far-gone conclusion how all of this is going to play out.  Even if the set-ups (and often times, the punchlines) are predictable, there is enough genuine chemistry between Efron and Devine and Kendrick and Plaza to put a fresh energy into even the most obvious jokes.  Plaza in particular is very funny, especially when she occasionally lets down her guard and her wild side slips out.  The extended scene where she and Devine flirt back and forth contains more laughs than most recent comedies have in their entire runtime.  We also get a few cameos and guest stars who help keep the laughs moving at a steady clip.  I mean, you know you’re in the right place when Marc Maron is in the opening scene.  Kumail Nanjiani also has a memorable bit as a sensual massage therapist. 

Bottom Line:  Even though it’s cliché and predictable, Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates has enough laughs to make you say “I do” to watching it.

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: THE YARDS (2000) **

I taped this off The Movie Channel way back on July 18, 2017.  It was director James Gray’s follow-up to his indie drama Little Odessa and it was beset by many post-production problems at the hands of producer Harvey Weinstein (whose hands would later get him into a lot of trouble).  It was the first in an unofficial tetralogy of films Gray made back-to-back-to-back-to-back with star Joaquin Phoenix, the other three being We Own the Night, Two Lovers, and The Immigrant.  The only one of those I saw was We Own the Night, which was pretty good, so I was hopeful that this would follow suit.  I was wrong.

Mark Wahlberg stars as a young guy fresh out of prison looking to make some quick dough to support his ailing mother (Ellen Burstyn).  His uncle (James Caan) offers him a job at his train yards and tries to steer him away from the shady side of the business.  He does not try very hard.  Soon, Marky Mark is riding shotgun with his best friend (Phoenix) as he makes illegal payoffs to contractors, businessmen, and politicians.  Naturally, it doesn’t take long until someone gets killed and Marky Mark becomes the top prospect to take the fall. 

Despite an all-star cast that includes Charlize Theron (who has a nude scene), Faye Dunaway, and (the hell?) Steve Lawrence, The Yards is often thematically muddled and dramatically inert.  In fact, they don’t do a helluva lot to inject the story with much passion.  Wahlberg barely looks interested, Theron is completely wasted, and Phoenix’s performance lacks the spark you’d expect.  (Gray paired the duo much more successfully in We Own the Night.)  Only Burstyn rises above the material as Wahlberg’s long-suffering mother.

The early scenes of Wahlberg readjusting to society hold promise.  From there, The Yards quickly goes off the rails.  The film really starts to deflate once Wahlberg’s character goes on the lam for a crime he didn’t commit.  The last twenty minutes are especially sluggish as things go out on a whimper instead of a bang. 

Co-writer Matt Reeves later went on to direct Cloverfield. 

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: THE NINTH CONFIGURATION (1980) *

This was recorded off Turner Classics Movies on July 16, 2017 as part of their TCM Underground line-up.  They always played great and/or obscure stuff in the early hours under this banner.  Unfortunately, I think if I tried to watch this one at four in the morning I would’ve nodded right back to sleep.

Stacy Keach stars as a psychiatrist sent to run a military asylum housed in an old castle in the fog-shrouded Pacific Northwest.  He implements an open-door policy which allows the inmates to enter his office at all hours and spill their insane ramblings.  It doesn't take long to discover the new shrink might not be what he seems.

The Ninth Configuration was written and directed by William Peter Blatty who of course, wrote The Exorcist.  Just because you can write one of the most famous movies of all times doesn’t necessarily make you a candidate for the director’s chair.  In fact, it often feels like a kindred spirit to Blatty’s much-maligned The Exorcist 3, but without the supernatural trappings as both involve nuthouses and patients who run on at the mouth to no end.  (There is a tenuous link to The Exorcist, although it’s so inconsequential I don’t even know why I brought it up.)

Often times, The Ninth Configuration feels like a bad Altman movie as people run around babbling while others hang about the frame and do other bits of side business.  Or maybe it’s like a bad amateur-hour play where everyone gets to spout unending monologues about God-knows-what while the audience is forced to look on, bewildered.  In any case, it’s just plain bad. 

What’s worse is that it manages to waste a rather incredible cast, mostly because all they get to do is pace around frantically and scream over one another.  Scott Wilson is particularly annoying as an astronaut with a screw (and then some) loose.  Robert Loggia gets to yell and cuss like Robert Loggia, but that’s about it.  Blatty even found time to reunite with The Exorcist’s Jason Miller, but unfortunately, he’s rather grating too.  You know you’re in trouble when the always reliable Joe Spinnell is stuck with nothing to do.  You have to feel sorry for Keach as all he does is sit behind a desk and listen to these assholes rage on endlessly.  The only actor who manages a tiny spark is Neville Brand as the harried Major in charge of the facility. 

I guess it goes without saying what the “twist” is going to be.  Heck, even one of the inmates figures it out about halfway through, and he’s as crazy as a shithouse rat.  In fact, the only unpredictable part is near the end when the movie weirdly turns into a biker flick as Keach and Wilson square off against some scuzzy bikers (Steve Sandor and Richard Lynch).  This scene isn’t exactly good or anything, but at least it has a pulse, which is more than I can say for the rest of the picture.

In short, The Ninth Configuration isn’t even worth configuring once.

AKA:  Twinkle, Twinkle, Killer Kane.

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: RASPUTIN: THE MAD MONK (1966) ***

 

I have had this on my DVR since June 2, 2017 when it aired on Turner Classic Movies.  It tells the tale of Rasputin (Christopher Lee), the drunken, psychotic sociopath who just so happens to be a priest.  After using his mystical healing powers to save an innkeeper’s wife, he trades on his “good” deed by running up a huge bar tab and trying to make time with their daughter.  When her fiancé tries to intervene, Rasputin cuts his hand off for meddling in his affairs.  Rasputin is eventually run out of the place and he heads to the capital where he sets his sights on infiltrating the czar’s inner circle through deceit, manipulation, and mesmerism.

Rasputin the Mad Monk was made by Hammer Studios and stars one of their most legendary actors.  Even though it is by and large a historical drama, it is more or less staged like their average horror offering, which is okay by me.  As a costume drama, it kind of falters whenever Lee isn’t on screen. 

Oh, but when Lee is on screen—LOOK OUT!  In a career of exciting, scary, and intense performances, this has to rank among his best.  He simply commands the screen, dominating all those around him and reducing them far into the background.  With his burning eyes, towering posture, and giant hands, Lee makes for an intimidating figure.  He is clearly relishing his over the top role and sometimes slips into near-Nicolas Cage levels of scenery chewing. 

The film’s first act is its strongest when we see Rasputin preying on the weak and unfortunate.  Once he worms his way into the czar’s court, it begins to lose a bit of its edge, if only because it was a lot more fun when Rasputin was acting like a goddamn wild man instead of trying to put on an air of respectability.  Things heat up for the finale though as director Don (The Curse of the Fly) Sharp is able to stick the landing with panache.  Sure, it may not technically be a horror movie, but there’s enough acid-throwing, poisoning, and (literal) backstabbing in the last ten minutes to live up to the Hammer brand.   

AKA:  Rasputin.

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: THE FANTASTIC MAGIC BABY (1975) ** ½

This was the second part of a double feature of Shaw Brothers classics I DVR’d from El Rey.  It’s been sitting in the machine idle ever since June 1^st, 2017.  How can I neglect a movie called The Fantastic Magic Baby like that?

Directed by Chang (The Assassin) Cheh, The Fantastic Magic Baby is an adaptation of Journey into the West, a classic of Chinese literature.  Since it is deeply rooted in Chinese tradition, culture, and folklore, it’s all a little confusing for a decadent westerner like me.  Still, it’s colorful, weird, and short (only 61 minutes long), so it’s hard to completely dismiss.

The gods send their son Red Boy (Ting Wa-Chung) down to Earth to collect an offering from the humans.  When Red Boy is insulted, he kidnaps a ruler.  It is then up to his faithful companions Monkey King (Lau Chung-Chun) and his pal Pigsy (Chen I-Ho), a dude with a pig snout and long ears, to get the ruler back. 

The Fantastic Magic Baby is a weird fucking movie, which is okay, because I like weird fucking movies.  However, there are a couple of things that prevent it from really taking off and becoming a WTF classic.  First off, the so-called “Fantastic Magic Baby” is just an upstart teenager, so if you were expecting a Kung Fu Baby or something, you are going to be sorely disappointed.  That’s strike one.  Strike two is the fact that the fight scenes are more like something out of a Peking Opera dance routine than a Venom Mob movie.  In fact, many times, the film just stops cold for a little mini-dance number.

The good news is there isn’t a strike three.  Despite the rip-off of a title character and watered-down action, The Fantastic Magic Baby is almost weird enough to let all that slide.  Sometimes, it resembles a Chinese version of The Wizard of Oz, what with the walking Kung Fu trees, humans in shitty animal make-up, and impromptu dance numbers.  It even has a contrived ending that relies heavily on deus ex machina, just like The Wizard of Oz.  So, if you don’t go in expecting a typical martial arts movie and think of it as more of The Wizard of Kung Fu Oz, it will go down a lot smoother.  All this is wildly uneven to be sure, but you could certainly find worse ways to spend 61 minutes.