AFTER PORN ENDS 3: DOCUMENTARY (2018) ** ½

This is the third entry in the absorbing After Porn Ends saga, which lets us know what our favorite porn stars are up to in their retirement years.  The first two were directed by Bryce Wagoner (who remains involved as a producer), but this one is directed by Brittany Andrews, who certainly knows something about being a porn star.  (She herself was profiled in Part 2.)  However, she doesn’t really bring a whole lot to the table as After Porn Ends 3:  Documentary doesn’t dig into the performers’ lives as much as the other films in the series.  

Among the performers featured are Christy Canyon (who goes from porn to becoming a radio DJ on Sirius XM), Bonnie Rotten (who defies her tumultuous upbringing to find porn stardom while gaining acceptance for heavily tattooed performers along the way), Jenteal (got into the business at the behest of her boyfriend and now makes a living selling hemp oil), and Priya Rai (who goes from being an adult performer to becoming a cage fighter).  Some of the most successful stars (like Tera Patrick, Alexandra Silk, and Luc Wylder) managed to keep their “brand” going by creating their own porn empires.  There are also snippets from interviews of current porn stars taken at various red-carpet events, but they aren’t all that revealing and feel more like filler than anything.

All of this is certainly watchable and informative.  It’s just that it lacks the devastating power of the second entry and the novelty of the first movie.  It also doesn’t help that there’s no big revelations here.  This crop of stars seems surprisingly well-adjusted, which is great news for them.  Dramatically, it makes the film a bit uneventful.  (Only Jenna Presley seems to have had it rough, but she found Jesus and seems okay now.)  There’s also the random segment on Herschel Savage that almost feels like it came from an entirely different movie.  He basically reminisces about his past performances and even watches one of his old scenes, but we never learn where he is or what he’s doing now, which is odd.  

These issues aside, if you’re a fan of any (or all) of these performers, I’m sure you’ll want to see it.  All the ladies (and the gentlemen it must be said) have remained well preserved over the years.  Despite my qualms, I would still gladly watch another sequel.  I just hope the next batch of interviewees have more to say.

KILLING GUNTHER (2017) * ½

Killing Gunther is Arnold Schwarzenegger’s worst movie.  Yes, worse than Sabotage.  The good news is (for him) he’s barely in it, despite being the only one featured on the DVD box, so he doesn’t embarrass himself too badly.  The same can’t be said for the rest of the cast. 

Taran Killam stars as Blake, a hitman who assembles a team of assassins to take out the most feared killer in the business, Gunther (Schwarzenegger).  He hires a documentary crew to film their exploits.  The crew (and the team) get more than they bargained for once Gunther comes gunning for them.

I’m not fond of the Found Footage/mockumentary gimmick to begin with, but it totally doesn’t work here.  It just renders the action incomprehensible with all the various jump cuts and shaky cam nonsense.  Of course, Killam is going more for laughs here (of which there are precious few), but the overall effect is grating. 

Speaking of grating, Killam’s character is annoying and is sure to get on your nerves almost instantly.  I like Killam on Saturday Night Live, but he’s too one-note here to be of any use as a leading man.  The gag of him crying and screaming like a little girl in particular gets old fast.

It’s not all bad though.  There are some amusing bits.  I liked the assassin who only kills with poison and some of the stuff involving the dude with the robot arm.  Unfortunately, the film settles into a predictable routine right from the get-go and quickly becomes monotonous from there.  (They get a line on Gunther’s whereabouts, congregate on his location, set a trap, and then Gunther kills one of them as their plan goes to all to Hell.)  All of this might’ve worked as a five-minute sketch on SNL.  At ninety minutes, it’s excruciating.

Arnold doesn’t show up till the sixty-five-minute mark, and by then, it’s pretty rough going.  He’s clearly having fun playing a lightweight and offbeat character (there’s a scene where he records a country song) and even gets to make references to his other movies too.  However, it all comes a day late and a dollar short.

The robot arm guy gets the best line of the movie when he says, “I lost my arm in a suicide bombing.  Not mine.  Someone else’s.” 

ELLE (2016) ****

Isabelle Huppert stars as Michele, a successful owner of a video game company who is assaulted in her home in the opening scene.  Given her past experiences, she refuses to go to the cops.  Instead, she decides to protect herself from the rapist’s ever-increasing threats.  Meanwhile, she goes about living her life as she juggles her stressful job with her dysfunctional family. 

On the surface, Elle just seems like your typical drama.  The fact that it is directed by Paul (Robocop) Verhoeven should clue you in to just how fucked up it is.  It was shot in France with a primarily French cast and it is surprisingly frank and matter-of-fact in its attitudes toward sex, rape, and harassment.   

As played by Huppert, Michele is an endlessly fascinating character.  Despite the constant threat of attack, she takes it all in stride.  Danger may potentially lurk around every corner, but she refuses to be a victim and live in fear.  

Also, her needs and flaws are projected for all to see without apology or explanation.  The movie is brave enough to suggest that perhaps Michele welcomes these attacks.  That somewhere inside her, there is a deep-seeded desire to be abused.  Only a guy like Verhoeven could get away with something like that, and very few actresses could sell Michele’s plight and make it believable and empathetic.

They say there are no good roles for women of a certain age.  Elle is a fierce and unrelenting rebuke to that myth.  Huppert gives a tour de force performance of such raw intensity and soulful humanity that you are with her every step of the way.  She was rightfully nominated for an Oscar for her work but lost to Emma Stone for La La Land.  If you watch the two performances, there really is no competition.  This is one of the best performances of the new millennium.  

One of the exhilarating things about Elle is that you never know where it’s going next, and I’m not talking about Michele’s quest to find her attacker.  I mean in her everyday life.  From a truly awkward Christmas party to the antics of her fuck-up son, surprises wait for you at every corner.  Sure, things are wrapped up a little too neatly in the end, but Verhoeven never once cops out or lets anyone off the hook.  Besides, this is one instance where a happy ending was richly deserved. 

HARRAD SUMMER (1974) **

Harrad University is a progressive college that encourages its students to explore the bounds of their sexual freedom.  After their first semester, four students return home to further explore their sexuality.  The two couples spend their summer together meeting new people and hooking up.  Naturally, their sexual freedom eventually takes its toll on their relationships. 

Harrad Summer is broken up into the four vignettes which represents the journals of the students.  Because of that, it goes without saying it’s more than a little uneven.  It’s more successful when the kids’ parents are being confronted with their children’s promiscuity.  There’s also a funny dinner party scene where the town gossip circle partakes in the group’s nude yoga routine.  However, the film stumbles whenever it tries to get too serious.  The scenes of the couples being torn apart by their own petty jealousy are especially trite and predictable.  The final vignette in particular is overly melodramatic.

The four youngsters in the cast are mostly forgettable.  I never saw the first film in the series, The Harrad Experiment, but I’d have to assume that Robert Reiser and Richard Doran were poor substitutes for Don Johnson and Bruno Kirby.  The supporting cast, which is filled with comedians, fares much better.  Bill “My name is Jose Jimenez!” Dana is pretty good as Doran’s dad and Marty “Hello there!” Allen is kind of funny as a drunk who is obsessed with streaking.  A young Fred Willard also turns up briefly.   None of their efforts are quite enough to save this dated, albeit sporadically amusing hippie nonsense.  

AKA:  Love All Summer.  AKA:  Student Union.

A MOST VIOLENT YEAR (2014) ***

Oscar Isaac is a shrewd businessman trying to expand his oil operation in New York in 1981.  Facing pressure from the competition, he buckles down and braces himself for legal threats, violence against his drivers, and possible attempts on his life.  Together with his wife (Jessica Chastain) and lawyer (Albert Brooks), they prepare themselves for the worst while trying to flush out the mastermind plotting his potential downfall.

A Most Violent Year is a somber and consistently engrossing mood piece.  Director J.C. (All is Lost) Chandor sets the stove to simmer and keeps the tension brewing throughout.  Maybe he keeps the simmering going for a bit too long.  Some would argue it’s a more difficult task for a director to simmer constantly than going straight to boil.  That’s true to a degree, but the film might’ve done with a few more fireworks.  

Isaac has a brooding Pacino-like intensity.  He’s playing a man of principle who is very set in his ways and has a deliberate way of doing things.  Forces beyond his control keep pushing him, but he will not yield.  If you’re a fan of Isaac, you really owe it to yourself to check it out.  The same goes for Chastain.  She is excellent as his tough as nails wife.  Brooks is just as great here as he was in Drive, which makes me hopeful he’ll continue to take on these atypical dramatic roles in the future.  David (Jack Reacher) Oyelowo also has some fine moments as the hard-nosed D.A. itching to close Isaac down.

A Most Violent Year is the kind of movie Sidney Lumet used to make.  It’s a multi-layered, wonderfully acted meditation about corruption, violence, and honor.  It may go on a bit too long, but the crisp writing, elegant cinematography, and stellar performances ensure you’ll be along for the ride every step of the way.

BEYOND THE SEA (2004) **

I’m a huge Bobby Darin fan, but I somehow never got around to watching this biopic directed by and starring Kevin Spacey.  I know we’re not supposed to watch Kevin Spacey movies because he’s a terrible person and everything.  However, my love of all things Darin outweighs my feelings for Spacey. 

Beyond the Sea starts off on an awkward meta note as Bobby Darin (Spacey) is in the middle of making a movie about himself.  He faces criticism that he’s too old to play the part.  Spacey must have felt that too as he was older at the time of filming than Darin ever lived to be.  When a worker calls the temperamental Darin an asshole, his manager (John Goodman) yells, “He might be an asshole, but he’s our asshole!”, a sentiment I’m sure that many of Spacey’s inner circle felt.  All the stuff regarding Darin’s obsessive use of toupees probably hit home for Spacey as well.  On downtime from filming, Bobby connects with a young boy who is playing him in the film-within-a-film.  He then figures out the only way to tell his story is by having flashbacks to childhood. 

It’s funny in these flashback scenes seeing Spacey playing Darin as a teenager.  It’s even funnier seeing guys like Goodman and Bob Hoskins playing young versions of their characters.  I mean it’s a stretch to see Spacey do it.  It’s even worse when they do it. 

After the goofy set-up, we do get a couple of strong scenes.  The routine biopic stuff (especially the scenes detailing Darin’s marriage to Sandra Dee, played by Kate Bosworth), are superficial, but are well-acted enough to keep you involved.  Unfortunately, the movie only gets more aimless and unfocused as it goes along.  

It also sort of speeds through Darin’s rise as a teen idol.  Even after he becomes the crooner we all know and love, it still seems rushed.  The film oddly spends too much time on his folk song phase.  I guess they were trying to show there was more to his repertoire than his early stuff.  It’s just that sulky Darin is not nearly as much fun as suave Darin.

Like most biopics, it can’t cover EVERYTHING.  I would’ve liked to have seen some of his TV work mentioned.  Despite that, I was still inclined to give this ** ½ based on the music and Spacey’s admittedly fine performance.  Then the ending, where Darin and the kid who plays him rewrite their happy ending, came along.  It’s jaw-dropping bad on just about every level and ends things on a goofy note. 

Speaking of notes, it’s great hearing Darin’s hits like “Mack the Knife, “Beyond the Sea”, “Dream Lover”, and “Splish-Splash”.  What’s amazing is that all the songs are performed by Spacey, who is an incredible mimic.  (I was a bit miffed that he didn’t include my personal favorite Darin tune, “Clementine” on the soundtrack.)  You get the feeling though it might’ve been better if Spacey had just released an album of Darin covers instead of doing a whole movie.  While Spacey paid Darin’s music a proper tribute, the film itself is majorly lacking Darin’s sense of showmanship.  Bobby deserved better.  

DUEL IN TIGERS DEN (1976) **

A warlord wants to get his hands on a sacred seal and will do anything to get it.  Two drifters come to town… well… they climb over a mountain to get to town, so they don’t exactly “drift”.  Anyway, they arrive in town and begin stirring up trouble.  Before long, they are locked in a bitter struggle for control of the seal.

If that plot description seems kind of vague, it’s because there’s very little plot here.  Because of that, the fight scenes occur every ten minutes or so.  Basically, our heroes will bust out a bunch of chopsocky on the bad guy’s henchmen and smash the skulls of their enemies against a wall until they’re good and bloody.  This makes bad guy pace back and forth a lot before he nervously barks out orders and sends more men to stop them.

Ordinarily, this wouldn’t be a bad thing.  If it was just the plot that was unmemorable it would’ve been okay, but since most of the fights are interchangeable, Duel in Tigers Den winds up being slight and forgettable.  The few scenes that stick out in your memory are decent, although they aren’t enough to put it over the top.  The best moment is the fight in a lumberyard where someone is impaled on a forklift.  We also get a big brawl on top of a train.  Even though this sequence features a nice change of scenery (not to mention a cameo by Bruce Li), it’s obvious no one is going to get hurt since the train moves REALLY slow.

AKA:  Duel in the Tiger Den.  AKA:  Macho Man.

THE ADULT VERSION OF JEKYLL AND HIDE (1972) ** ½

Dr. Leeder (Jack Buddliner) finds Dr. Jekyll’s original manuscript in an antique shop and becomes obsessed with it.  He comes to the store in the middle of the night offering to buy it, and when the shopkeeper refuses to part ways with it, Leeder kills him.  While reading the book, he envisions he’s Dr. Jekyll, transforming into Mr. Hyde and killing prostitutes.  Eventually, he recreates Dr. Jekyll’s formula and tests it out on himself.

As with Dr. Jekyll and Sister Hyde, our hero turns into a sexy woman (Jane Tsentas) when he drinks the potion.  The transformation scene is great too as he opens his shirt to find brand-new boobs.  Naturally, this leads to a long scene where he/she looks in the mirror and plays with him/herself.  This happens every time he switches bodies, which helps pad out the running time.

It shouldn’t come as much of a shock to you that there’s more of a concentration on the “Adult Version” portion of the story than on the “Jekyll and Hyde” bits.  It’s amusing for the most part, although it never quite gels.  The stuff that looks like it came out of your basic ‘70s skin flick works better than the Dr. Jekyll daydream scenes.  The modern-day Jekyll stuff is pretty good though, especially when Tsentas attacks Rene Bond.

Fans of Bond will enjoy The Adult Version of Jekyll and Hide.  It’s a good vehicle for her talents as she has many sex, nude, and shower scenes.  There’s also a smattering of S & M in here as there are scenes where Hyde whips a prostitute with a strap before tying her up and having his way with her.  This is the most horror-centric scene in the movie and only helps to illustrate the film’s overall tonal problems.  

There are some fun moments here, but ultimately, it goes on a bit too long for its own good.  The sluggish pacing makes the ninety-minute running time feels a lot longer.  If the plot had been streamlined a bit and they had found a better way to incorporate the fantasy sequences, The Adult Version of Jekyll and Hide could’ve been a minor classic.  As it stands, it’s an interesting, if intermittently amusing curio.

AKA:  The Adventures of Dr. Jekyll.  AKA:  The Adult Version of Jekyll and Hyde.

5 HEADED SHARK ATTACK (2017) *

Confession time:  I never saw 2 Headed Shark Attack.  I know, right?  I’m sorry I let you down.  I hope you forgive me.

On a related note.  I didn’t see 3 Headed Shark Attack.  I’m sure you’re like, what?  How?  Hey, man.  I can’t see them all.

They didn’t even make a 4 Headed Shark Attack, so don’t even try to come at me for missing that one.

Say what you will about me, I’m here now.  I showed up for 5 Headed Shark Attack.  I hope this review in some way, shape, or form makes up for me missing Parts 2 Headed and 3 Headed.   

If we’re being completely honest with each other here, this is one of the worst SyFy Channel shark movies I’ve ever sat through.  

Okay, so a 4 Headed Shark kills some boaters and the cops try to get a marine biographer to identify the shark.  Dude, it’s a 4 Headed Shark.  I don’t think you needed to bug a marine pornographer for that.  Anyway.  Her boss is like, “Don’t help the cops.  We can catch this thing.  This could put our aquarium back on the map.”  Yeah.  Putting a shitty CGI shark from a shitty SyFy Movie on display will REALLY pull in the tourists.  Like they couldn’t see the same shit on their Roku player at home for free.

So, they spend the next hour or so out on a boat looking for the damned thing.  It only sporadically shows up to eat someone, and even then, it doesn’t really relieve the boredom.  Oh, and if you’re keeping track, we eventually do get to see the fifth head after a while (and it’s exactly where you think it’s going to be).  

Jesus Fucking Christ.  I made a New Year’s resolution to try to be more open-minded and positive when it comes to writing these reviews.  With that in mind I will say… at least I haven’t seen 2 Headed Shark Attack.  Or 3 Headed Shark Attack.  Or God forbid, 6 Headed Shark Attack.  (It’s a thing.  So help me.  I looked it up.)

This is one of those rare cases where too much head is a bad thing.

AKA:  Five Head Jaws.

POWER RANGERS (2017) * ½

Mighty Morphin Power Rangers were after my time.  That was my little brother’s generation’s thing.  That is to say that I am not completely oblivious to them.  I do remember when they were the hot toy that one Christmas.  I can’t say I watched an episode in its entirety, but if I did occasionally check it out, it was only for the Godzilla/Ultraman inspired fight scenes.

This one starts with a blue-skinned Bryan Cranston dying.  Next, there is an obvious bull-milking gag followed by a nauseating chase scene where the camera turns at a 360-degree angle non-stop.  Then it turns into a The Breakfast Club clone.  For about an hour I almost forgot what movie I was watching.  There were no dudes in leotards Kung Fuing men in rubber suits.  There was not a Voltron rip-off robot in sight.

After about an hour of emo bullshit, the teenagers finally come together, find some glowing stones that give them superpowers, fall down a hole, stumble upon a spaceship, and turn into Power Rangers.

The fact that they dropped the “Mighty Morphin” from the title suggests this is supposed to be more “serious”.  It’s also way too dark.  I don’t mean that it’s violent or meanspirited.  I mean it’s hard to tell what’s going on a lot of the time.  I guess they were trying to do a “grown-up” version of the Power Rangers, but did it really need to be so gloomy looking?

There is no reason on God’s green earth that a Power Rangers movie should run over two hours, but here we are.  Since it’s an origin story, they don’t get into their suits until the last half hour, and it’s a long time coming.  There’s a really lame plot device that’s meant to excuse why they can’t morph into their suits, but we all know it was to save on the costume budget. 

Once the Power Rangers finally do suit up, they get the obligatory hero shot of them walking in slow motion together.  However, this is almost immediately followed by a shot of them running.  It’s hilarious. 

Even the parts I was hoping would at least be somewhat entertaining were a huge bust.  The giant monster battle at the end is weak.  Plus, they pretty much forget about Yellow and Black Ranger during the fight, which is funny when so much of their strategy depends on teamwork.  It also doesn’t help that the movie utilizes some sub-Asylum level special effects.

The cast do what they can.  Bill Hader is amusing as the little robot helper guy and Bryan Cranston lends a little gravitas to the role of Zordon.  Elizabeth Banks still manages to be sexy beneath all that make-up as the villainous gold-eating Rita. Of the Power Rangers, the Red Ranger (Dacre Montgomery) was the only one that seemed to have a pulse.  He had a Chris Klein quality about him that was appealing. 

This reminded me a lot of the awful Fantastic Four reboot.  It’s lifeless, dull, and strips away all the fun from the property.  I mean the only really fun bit is when the original theme song kicks in, but that is instantly substituted for more generic shitty contemporary noise.   

I guess if you’re nostalgic for this shit, it might do something for you.  The uninitiated will be thoroughly unimpressed.  It’ll be enough for you to scream, “Stop!  Stop!  Power Rangers!”

Suggested Drinking Game:  Take a shot every time there is a plug for Krispy Kreme. 

THE 2018 VIDEO VACUUM AWARDS

Hello, and welcome to the ceremony announcing the prestigious 12^th Annual Video Vacuum Awards.  Naturally, that OTHER award ceremony took all my thunder by getting up SUPER early and announcing THEIR award nominations earlier this morning.  You’d think people out in Hollywood would want to get their beauty rest, but I guess not.  But I digress.  Without further ado, let’s announce the nominations for the 12^th Annual Video Vacuum Awards:

Best Picture
Ant-Man and the Wasp
Creed 2
Solo:  A Star Wars Story
Superfly
Venom

Worst Picture
China Salesman
Hellraiser:  Judgment
Hereditary
Peppermint
211

Best Director
Steven Caple, Jr. (Creed 2)
Ruben Fleischer (Venom)
Ron Howard (Solo:  A Star Wars Story)
Peyton Reed (Ant-Man and the Wasp)
Director X (Superfly)

Best Actor
Trevor Jackson (Superfly)
Michael B. Jordan (Black Panther)
Joaquin Phoenix (You Were Never Really Here)
Burt Reynolds (The Last Movie Star)
Bruce Willis (Death Wish)

Best Actress
Cate Blanchett (The House with a Clock in its Walls)
Hailee Steinfeld (Bumblebee)
Marci Miller (Children of the Corn:  Runaway)
Tessa Thompson (Creed 2)
Ariel Winter (The Last Movie Star)

Best Action Movie
Bumblebee
Death Wish
Solo:  A Star Wars Story
Superfly
Venom

Worst Action Movie
China Salesman
Black Water
The Debt Collector
Escape Plan 2:  Hades
Peppermint

Best Comic Book Movie
Ant-Man and the Wasp
Aquaman
Avengers:  Infinity War
Teen Titans Go! To the Movies
Venom

Best Sequel
Ant-Man and the Wasp
Creed 2
Pacific Rim:  Uprising
Bumblebee
Solo:  A Star Wars Story

Worst Sequel
Deep Blue Sea 2
Escape Plan 2:  Hades
Godzilla:  City on the Edge of Battle
Hellraiser:  Judgment
The Nun

Best Horror Movie
Before I Wake
The House with a Clock in its Walls
Mandy
The Meg
Mom and Dad

Worst Horror Movie
Day of the Dead:  Bloodline
Deep Blue Sea 2
Hellraiser:  Judgment
Hereditary
The Nun

Best Sci-Fi Movie
Ant-Man and the Wasp
Bumblebee
Pacific Rim:  Uprising
Ready Player One
Solo:  A Star Wars Story

Worst Sci-Fi Movie
Annihilation
The Cloverfield Paradox
Godzilla:  City on the Edge of Battle
Godzilla:  Planet of the Monsters
Mute

Best Movie Based on a TV Show
Bumblebee
The Equalizer 2
Goosebumps 2:  Haunted Halloween
Mission:  Impossible:  Fallout
Teen Titans Go! To the Movies

Best Drama
Bohemian Rhapsody
Creed 2
The Last Movie Star
The Mule
The Other Side of the Wind

Best DTV/Streaming Movie
Before I Wake
A Futile and Stupid Gesture
Kickboxer:  Retaliation
The Night Comes for Us
Puppet Master:  The Littlest Reich

Worst DTV/Streaming Movie
Black Water
China Salesman
Deep Blue Sea 2
Godzilla:  City on the Edge of Battle
Hellraiser:  Judgment

Worst DTV/Streaming Sequel
The Cloverfield Paradox
Deep Blue Sea 2
Escape Plan 2:  Hades
Godzilla:  City on the Edge of Battle
Hellraiser:  Judgment

Best Kids Movie
Goosebumps 2:  Haunted Halloween
Hotel Transylvania 3:  Summer Vacation
The House with a Clock in its Walls
Paddington 2
Teen Titans Go! To the Movies

Best Scene I Could Not Make Up
An Alien chestburster erupting out of Goro in Ready Player One
Iron Giant vs. Mechagodzilla in Ready Player One
The Trip to the Overlook Hotel in Ready Player One
The weaponization of Chucky in Ready Player One
Eric Roberts’ La La Land-inspired song and dance in Stalked by My Doctor:  Patient’s Revenge

Best Dialogue
Creed 2 for “He broke things in me that ain’t never been fixed!”
The Equalizer 2 for “I expect a 5 Star rating!”
Mandy for “You ripped my shirt!”
Mute for “I’m AWOL!  You’re an A-Hole!”
Ready Player One for “It’s fucking Chucky!”
Red Sparrow for “You sent me to whore school!”
Solo:  A Star Wars Story for “I know.”
Spider-Man:  Into the Spider-Verse for “I frolic.  I dance.  I do this in my pants!”
Superfly for “I’m not going nowhere where the j’s are silent!”
Teen Titans Go! To the Movies for “Save me from Gene Hackman’s real estate scam!”

That concludes the nominations for 2018. The winners should be announced shortly before that OTHER award show.  Tell me who you think should win in the comments below.

THE RETURN OF SUPERFLY (1990) ** ½

After the death of his friend Eddie, Priest (Nathan Purdee) returns home to the streets.  As soon as he gets off the plane, the cops instantly want him to turn snitch.  Meanwhile the new kings of the street are out to get him.  Priest then sets out to get revenge for Eddie by tainting the bad guy’s drug supply and busting up the operation from the inside out.  

By 1990, the Blaxploitation films of the ‘70s had already made a sizable impact on home video.  The Return of Superfly was an effort from Super Fly producer Sig Shore to revitalize the franchise.  It came and went with little fanfare, but it’s surprisingly enjoyable as far as seventeen-years-later sequels go.

The Return of Superfly was released at an interesting time.  It arrived shortly after the big action bonanzas of the ‘80s, but just before the wave of ‘90s African-American-led action flicks starring the likes of Wesley Snipes and Denzel Washington.  This was also a time when rap music was still mostly good (for me anyway), and you can hear guys like Tone-Loc and Ice-T on the soundtrack.  

Speaking of the soundtrack, Shore was also able to convince Curtis Mayfield to return as well.  His songs are decent for the most part, although they’re not quite up to the level of the original.  Still, they’re a nice counterbalance to the contemporary rap on the soundtrack.

I thought I’d miss seeing Ron O’Neal in the role of Priest, but Nathan Purdee does a solid job.  He has a quiet, but charismatic presence and carries the film with swagger.  He has enough machismo that when characters talk about him in awed, hushed tones, he lives up to the hype once we finally see him in action.  If the lack of O’Neal is what’s holding you back from seeing this, you really owe it to yourself to check it out.  Purdee is basically the George Lazenby of Superflies as he never got a fair shake in the role, mostly because he only got the one movie to prove his worth.

The supporting cast is a lot of fun.  The most notable is Samuel L. Jackson who plays Priest’s old pal who makes crack in coffee pots.  Tico Wells has some good moments as Priest’s militant friend who likes to blow up stuff a bit too much.  The best performance though comes from Leonard Thomas, who plays the whiny, twitchy, giggly villain.  Just hearing him whimpering and screeching uncontrollably is enough to make a lasting impression on you.

Shore’s style is about on par with your typical low budget action film of the time.  After a smashing start, things get bogged down once Priest starts pounding the pavement and shaking down various thugs and crooked cops for information.  It occasionally flirts with awesomeness but pulls back and becomes generic whenever it’s about to truly take flight (no pun intended).  There are just enough offbeat touches, violent outbursts (the bloody squib technician earned his paycheck at least) and laugh-out-loud moments here that it’s hard to completely dismiss it.  

One thing worth mentioning is that it ends on more of a hopeful note that the original did.  Too bad we never got a direct continuation from this plotline.  It would’ve been interesting to see where the series would’ve gone from here.  As it is, we at least have the excellent Superfly remake from last year (which you all slept on, by the way) to tide us over.

SNIPER: GHOST SHOOTER (2016) **

Chad Michael Collins returns for his third installment of the Sniper franchise as the son of Tom Berenger’s character in the first film.  (This is the sixth flick in the series overall.)  This time out, he’s paired with Billy Zane, who it would seem is alternating starring in Sniper sequels with Berenger now.  I’m not sure why the Sniper producers can’t get Tom and Billy in the same room at the same time, but that might be the only real reason to make another one of these things.

Zane and his team of snipers are given an assignment to protect a gas pipeline from being sabotaged by terrorists.  While on patrol, they are picked off one by one by a “ghost shooter”.  They come to suspect a mole is in their midst and have to work together to flush him out.

Directed by Don Michael Paul, a veteran of numerous DTV sequels (including the last Sniper movie, Legacy), Sniper:  Ghost Shooter is about what you’d come to expect from the series.  Paul goes from one skirmish to the other, offering up a hefty sum of sniping along the way.  It’s competently executed, but ultimately unmemorable.  (I can’t even remember who betrayed the team or why.)  

All of this is pretty interchangeable with what’s come before, but at least it’s gorier that expected.  Ghost Shooter provides the viewer with some bloody head shots and exploding bodies, which is appreciated.  I also must commend Paul for his restrained use of CGI blood during the various gunfights and sniper battles.

Zane is good, although there were times where I swore he was trying to do a Berenger impersonation.  Dennis Haysbert lends some weight to the proceedings as Zane’s boss, but he isn’t given a whole lot to do.  Collins unfortunately can’t carry the movie when either Zane or Haysbert are off screen.  Because of that, much of the middle section is sluggish.

Overall, Ghost Shooter is better than your average Sniper sequel, but not by a considerable margin. 

CARDIAC ARREST (1980) *

A serial killer is going around San Francisco cutting out people’s hearts.  A meek cop (Gary Goodrow) is on the case working every angle he can.  He thinks the murders may be linked to an organ harvesting ring and perpetually pesters a famous heart transplant doctor (Ray Reinhardt) about it.  Meanwhile, a rich woman (Susan O’Connell) in desperate need of a heart will stop at nothing to get a transplant.

I have a vivid memory of being in a video store and being scared by the video box of Cardiac Arrest as a kid.  From the box art, you’d think it was going to be a gory horror flick in the vein of Dr Butcher M.D.  However, I think this is one of those rare cases where the poster is gorier than the movie itself.  

In fact, it plays more like an overlong TV pilot for a police procedural show than the horror movie it was advertised to be.  The pacing is lethargic, the central mystery is boring, and I found myself nodding off more than a few times.  The banter between Goodrow and his partner is sometimes painful to sit through too.

The best part about the movie is seeing Fred Ward popping up in a small role.  He at least shows a spark of life, while everyone else just sort of goes through the motions.  Ward’s part is tiny, but at least he figures into the film’s climax.  I can’t guarantee you’ll make it that far though. 

In short, Cardiac Arrest is one thriller with no signs of a pulse.

BITE (2015) ***

Casey (Elma Begovich) goes to an island for her bachelorette party and is bitten by something in the water while swimming.  She returns home with a case of cold feet, a bad stomach bug, and ever-growing pus-filled sores on her bite.  Before long, she transforms into a slimy, disgusting monster, which is bound to put a damper on her wedding day.

I was a little nervous during the pre-title sequence as it was one of those Found Footage deals.  The scenes of the girls partying it up in clubs and on the beach were done shaky-cam style, which didn’t give me a lot of hope.  Thankfully, it switches over to a “real” movie shortly thereafter, with only a few snippets of the Found Footage clips used as flashbacks.  Once it settles down into its groove, Bite becomes one heck of a disgusting ride.

Begovich’s tour-de-force performance really catapults the film along.  She’s quite good in the early scenes where she’s dealing with the stresses of her upcoming nuptials, a fiancé that doesn’t quite have the same goals as her, and a royal bitch of a future mother in-law (Lawrene Denkers, in a fun performance).  As fine as she is in these scenes, Begovich really excels once the transformation takes hold, and she turns into a twitchy, wild-eyed, acid-spewing mutant.  

The ensuing Cronenbergian transformation takes some of its cues directly from his version of The Fly (right down to the fingernail scene), but that doesn’t mean it’s not effective.  Director Chad Archibald delivers the goods on all the gooey, gross, disgusting set pieces, and the third act is sure to make you squirm in your seat.  My favorite moment though was the grotesque dream sequence where Casey arrives at her baby shower and… I wouldn’t dream of spoiling it.

In addition to being a nauseating horror film, Bite also manages to be quite funny, especially once Casey’s friends react to her slimy condition.  Her interactions with her bitchy mother in-law are good for a few laughs too.  Sure, it may stumble out of the gate a bit, but by the time the showstopping FX-laden finale rolls around, I guarantee you’ll be grinning from ear to ear. 

PEPPERMINT (2018) *

If you think Peppermint is going to be Taken but with Jennifer Garner you are mistaken.  (Get it?  Ms. Taken?  Never mind.)  It’s really Soccer Mom Death Wish.  I can see why you thought that though, since it’s from the director of Taken, Pierre Morel.  However, it seems like Morel forgot everything he knew about directing revenge-fueled action movies.  I mean it’s pretty hard to screw these things up, but Pierre managed to make just about the worst revenge flick I’ve ever seen.

Garner stars as a mother whose family is murdered by the drug cartel.  She positively identifies the killers, but their lawyer tries to buy her silence.  The judge is crooked too, and the killers walk.  Knowing the system is broken, she disappears for five years and returns as an ass-kicking Lady Punisher seeking revenge.

Sounds promising, doesn’t it?  However, all this build-up leads to one big fat fizzle.  What does Garner do when she finally comes back home?  The men who killed her family are just found hanging from a Ferris wheel.  We never see what she did to them.  You’re watching a revenge picture because you want to see the satisfaction of your heroine giving the bad guys their just desserts.  Having their comeuppance occur offscreen is a gross miscalculation on the filmmakers’ part.

Also, we never see Garner’s transformation from soccer mom to badass.  It just sort of happens.  (Again, offscreen.)  It’s such a jarring change that the results are often laughable.

Man, I really wanted to like Peppermint, but it’s just so haphazardly structured and indifferently cobbled together that it’s often a chore to sit through.  The rhythms are all off.  For example, the subplot with the cops who visit Garner’s crime scenes seem to take up more screen time than the action itself.  I guess the movie tried to keep Garner out of the spotlight for much of the second half in an effort to build her up as this mythical force of nature.  Unfortunately, when she isn’t on screen, it all just grinds to a halt.  

Maybe it was the script’s fault.  Most of this is so slapdash that the plot feels more like a bunch of suggestions than an actual movie.  Much is made of the fact that Garner stopped taking anti-psychotic drugs after her family’s death.  Did the lack of prescription medicine cause her to go down the road of vengeance?  Is she truly psychotic?  Or is she merely doing what any mother would do?  We see glimpses of her dead daughter periodically throughout the film that suggests she may be psycho, but there’s no payoff or follow-through.  It’s just another half-baked, thinly-sketched revenge motif the movie brings up and then promptly casts aside in favor of another meaningless subplot.

I want to believe Garner can be a badass.  As someone who has watched Daredevil (and even Elektra) more times than he’d care to say out loud, I have to say it’s certainly possible.  It’s just that the movie is so incompetent you never believe it for a second.  It’s especially laughable when she becomes this folk hero urban legend. 

The problem is she’s just not given enough screen time to make it work.  In fact, Jen’s in this so little that it often feels like one of those Bruce Willis DTV movies where they only had him on set for a few days, so they fill in the plot with a lot of unnecessary side characters to beef up the running time.  There are times where it seems like she’s a supporting character in her own vehicle.

I haven’t even mentioned the action yet, mostly because it’s forgettable.  Only the piñata store shootout has any sort of semblance to a real action movie sequence.  Other than that admittedly crisply-filmed scene, Peppermint is totally devoid of flavor. 

TRUTH OR DARE (2017) **

I liked Would You Rather and Netflix recommended this to me, so I figured what the hell.  Like that film, Truth or Dare is about a killer version of a kid’s game.  It has a similar structure and set-up, but it’s nowhere near as effective.  

Eight friends go to a supposedly haunted house for a night of drinking.  Apparently, thirty years earlier, a group of teens died while playing a game of Truth or Dare.  They get the bright idea they should do the same thing.  At first, the dares are easy, but once an evil spirit takes control of the game, the challenges get more demented and deadlier as it goes along.  If the teens refuse to play and don’t do the dare, the vengeful entity makes sure “the dare does them”.  They then must learn to work together in order to survive the game.

This was adequate at best.  Director Nick Simon gets a moderate amount of efficiency from the (mostly) single location, simple premise, and low budget.  I can’t say it works particularly well as a whole, but it’s certainly watchable enough.  

It’s fun seeing A Nightmare on Elm Street’s Heather Langenkamp popping up late in the game as the sole survivor of the previous game.  Unfortunately, she isn’t given much to do besides provide a gratuitous exposition dump.  It is cool seeing her in Freddy Krueger-type burn make-up, which is a nice switcheroo.

Most of this is predictable and weak, but we do have a moment or two that prevents it from being totally forgettable.  The scene where the teens are forced to pull out their own teeth has an undeniable kick to it, as does the dare where they must hack off parts of their own body.  Say what you will about Truth or Dare, this is the only movie I can think of in which someone voluntarily cuts off their own elbow, so there’s that.