ROBOWAR (1988) ***

Did you ever wonder what a low budget mash-up of Predator and Robocop starring Reb (Space Mutiny) Brown, written by Claudio (Troll 2) Fragasso, and directed by Bruno (Night of the Zombies) Mattei would look like?  Wonder no more!

Reb is the leader of a team of soldiers sent to a jungle island on a top-secret mission.  There, they find an unstoppable cyborg on the loose in the forest.  The robo-soldier soon picks off the members of the team one by one before finally going mano y mano with Brown. 

Scenes closely copy Predator, like when the grunts fire endlessly at an enemy they can’t see, the sequence where the soldiers raid a compound (right down to the part where Brown tosses a knife into a guy), and there are also lots of POV shots of the killer (except instead of infrared, it’s seen on a heavily pixelated computer screen).  There are so many other moments here that closely resemble Predator that it’s a wonder John McTiernan’s lawyers didn’t get involved. 

Oh, and the lone African American of the squadron looks and sounds like he might’ve been the inspiration for Robert Downey Jr.’s character in Tropic Thunder. 

Reb screams and hollers and tells everyone to “Move!  Move!  Move!”, like only he can.  His over-the-top theatrics help carry the movie whenever it threatens to bog down.  It’s admittedly a pretty dumb hodgepodge, but for every misstep, there’s something that works... And by “works”, I mean it’s either unintentionally funny, downright cheesy, or (occasionally) kind of cool. 

The stammering robot voice, which sounds like Robo-Porky Pig is annoying though.  You keep expecting him to say, “That’s All, Folks!”, after he blows somebody up.  The film is also padded with long scenes of the troops wandering aimlessly around in the jungle.  On the plus side, lots of bamboo huts explode, and the close-ups of the skinned corpses are effective.  As far as Mattei/Brown collabs go, I think Strike Commando is still my favorite, but this one certainly has its share of nutty moments. 

AKA:  Robo Man.  AKA:  Cyber Robo.

THE BURNT ORANGE HERESY (2020) ***

Charles (Miami Blues) Willeford is my favorite author.  Mick Jagger is my favorite rock star.  Because of that, I’m already inclined to love this movie.  Add in a script by A Simple Plan’s Scott B. Smith, and you have a recipe for a must-see. 

Shady art critic James Figueras (Claes Bang) gets roped into a scheme by a rich art collector named Cassidy (Jagger) to steal the last work of a reclusive painter (Donald Sutherland).  Cassidy sets up an interview between the two, which should give Figueras ample opportunity to nab the painting.  Predictably, things don’t go according to plan, which leads to more deception and even murder. 

All this sounds simple enough, but the way director Giuseppe Capotondi slowly parcels out the details is a lot of fun.  Admittedly, the set-up is better than the follow-through (the symbolism with the flies gets hammered home a bit too much).  That said, there’s still plenty to enjoy along the way. 

Most enjoyable of all are the performances.  Bangs does a good job as he looks like you’d imagine a typical Willeford character.  He’s haggard and beaten up by life and a series of poor choices but he nevertheless keeps moving forward.  He gets a great monologue early on where he ropes a bunch of old biddies into thinking a crappy painting has historical significance.  As his scrappy love interest, Elizabeth (The Crown) Debicki looks great in her nude scenes and has a winsome early Cameron Diaz pluck about her.  Jagger (in his first role in twenty years) was never as good as an actor as he was a rock star, but this might be his best performance.  For someone who hasn’t been on a movie set in decades, he seems to be relishing playing a shady rich dude who holds all the cards and lords over people with a Cheshire Cat grin.  Sutherland has a sardonic twinkle in his eye, and he too looks like he’s having a ball playing a character who skews against his reputation. 

This is the first adaptation of a Willeford work in two decades.  (The last being The Woman Chaser in 1999.)  The novel was kind of an atypical Willeford book.  Even though it was largely about a conman, it was set in the art world far removed from his crime novels.  His ultimate point being that critics and art dealers are really no different than the hoods in his other books.  The film, like the novel, falls short of the Willeford greats like Cockfighter and Miami Blues, but I’m glad it exists.  Speaking strictly as a fan of the man, I hope they don’t wait another twenty years to make another Willeford adaptation. 

BLOCKERS (2018) **

Three high school girls who have been best friends since kindergarten decide to make a pact to lose their virginity on prom night.  Their idiotic parents become wise to their plan and set out to stop them from losing their V-card.  R-rated teen comedy shenanigans ensue. 

Blockers is only the slightest reworking of dozens of other similarly themed teen comedies of the ‘80s.  The difference here of course is that the teens who are trying to get laid are girls.  There are other concessions to modern times (one of the girls is a closeted lesbian), but it’s mostly the same old shit. 

I guess it wouldn’t matter if all this was funny, but there are only a few chuckles to be had.  The biggest problem is with the parents, all of whom are one-note and strangely underwritten.  Leslie Mann is overprotective.  Ike Barinholtz is an asshole.  John Cena has muscles, but he’s actually a really wholesome and sensitive guy.  None of them have much chemistry together either, which is mostly what sinks the whole deal.  Kathryn Newton is decent as the ringleader of the high school friends, but like most movies she’s in, the filmmakers don’t know how to make use of her talents, so she winds up being kind of wasted.  The other two girls don’t make much of an impression though, which is a shame, especially when you’re supposed to be rooting for them to pop their cherries and all. 

After all the R-rated comedy antics (including Cena getting a beer bong shoved up his ass) have died down, director Kay Cannon tries to pull at the audience’s heartstrings at the end, and it honestly doesn’t work.  Had we been involved in the girls’ quest to lose their virginity or had a stake in their parents trying to stop them, we might have cared.  Sadly, the hour and a half that came before is just way too uneven for us to feel anything either way. 

AKA:  #SexPact.  AKA:  Cock Blockers.

SHALLOW GRAVE (1987) ***

Shallow Grave kicks off with a fairly spot-on recreation of the famous shower scene from Psycho.  Unlike Alfred Hitchcock, director Richard Styles does not shy away from gratuitous boob shots, which makes him an even better director than Hitch in my book. 

Then… SURPRISE!  We learn it was all a prank.  (Exactly how I’m not sure, since the big-boobed girl clearly got stabbed in the opening, but oh well.)  After the Catholic School girls involved get a good tongue-lashing from the head nun, they head on down to Ft. Lauderdale for Spring Break!  Unfortunately, they get a flat tire along the way.  Stranded on the side of the road, one of the girls goes for help.  Meanwhile, another gal goes into the woods to pee where she accidentally witnesses a deranged sheriff kill his lover.  Naturally, he takes on after her, and from then on, it’s one relentless game of cat and mouse… err… mice. 

OK, so maybe Styles isn’t necessarily BETTER than Hitchcock, but you have to give him credit.  Like the Master himself, Styles does a good job blending chuckles and thrills.  Things quickly turn on a dime as the movie abruptly switches gears from a Spring Break comedy to a white-knuckle thriller.  Styles delivers some legitimately suspenseful sequences along the way.  Among them is a finely crafted scene where the girls arrive at an abandoned gas station to call for help only to slowly realize there’s a guard dog on the premises. 

The plot maybe twiddles its thumbs a bit too much in between the highlights, and the scenes of two guys looking for the girls kind of curtails the film’s momentum, especially in the second half.  However, this is a frequently surprising and entertaining thriller that is nastier and meaner than you might expect.  In short, Shallow Grave cuts deeper than most of the low budget flicks that flooded video store shelves back in the ‘80s. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: LEPRECHAUN: ORIGINS (2014) **

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As it appeared in my book, The Bloody Book of Horror)

As much as I love the Leprechaun movies and Warwick Davis’ performances in them, I went into this reboot/sequel with an open mind.  For one, it was produced by WWE Studios, who gave us the classic wrestler slasher movie, See No Evil.  Another reason was that the Leprechaun would be played by none other than Hornswoggle.  He’s not as well-known as some other wrestler-turned-actors like Kane, The Rock, or Rowdy Roddy Piper, but that’s okay.  Since his career has more or less been devoted to wrestling in a leprechaun outfit; Leprechaun:  Origins seemed like an ideal vehicle for him to make his dreams of movie stardom come true.

A bunch of American college students go to Ireland.  While drinking in a bar, some old dude offers to give them a ride to a cabin in the woods.  They soon find themselves locked in the cabin with a diminutive demon Leprechaun.

The opening scenes feature a lot of POV shots (gold-tinted of course) of the Leprechaun stalking his prey.  That led me to believe it would take a while before we actually got a good look at the new Leprechaun.  Surprisingly, it doesn’t take long to see the new Leprechaun in all its (gory) glory.  Oddly enough, it looks a lot like the Elf from Elves.  Disappointingly, he DOESN’T speak OR make goofy rhymes.

Okay, I get it.  They were trying to go the “serious” and “scary” route for this one.  However, making a “serious” and “scary” movie about a killer Leprechaun is just kind of stupid.  Sure, the other movies in the series were stupid too, but this is a different kind of stupid.  At least the Warwick Davis pictures were knowingly stupid.  This is the wrong kind of stupid.  

I really missed the original incarnation of the character.  This mindless monster could’ve been anything really as it doesn’t particularly resemble a Leprechaun.  I’m not even sure why Hornswoggle would’ve even wanted to be in this.  I mean he is completely silent and covered head to toe in make-up the whole time.  Not exactly the best way to get noticed in Hollywood.  Maybe he owed Vince McMahon a favor or something.

Leprechaun:  Origins is not supremely shitty or anything.  It’s “watchable” at best, but it never comes close to approaching “enjoyable”.  It’s just incredibly miscalculated.  

There are some okay moments.  I liked the part where the dumbass boyfriend falls asleep before getting it on with his hot girlfriend.  There’s also a great “Oh shit” scene where The Final Girl mistakes her friend for the Leprechaun and buries an axe in her face.  The gore is also decent as the Leprechaun rips out gold earrings and tongue piercings, and pulls out one guy’s spine.  (Maybe the guy had a gold plate in his back or something.)  There is a callback to the “Fuck you, Lucky Charms!” line from the original, but that’s about it in ways of connective tissue with the original films.

As bad as most of this is, I didn’t hate it.  I wouldn’t even mind a sequel with Hornswoggle in the lead.  Just… you know… next time make him an actual Leprechaun who says rhymes and kills people.  I’m sure it’s not much to ask, is it?

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: LEPRECHAUN BACK TO THA HOOD (2003) ***

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on October 24th, 2009)

You may think that the Leprechaun series had reached a creative low point since Leprechaun Back 2 Tha Hood recycles the same ghetto setting from the previous movie.  I have to disagree.  You can tell this flick is going to be pretty inventive just by looking at the title.  Most brain-dead horror sequels set in the hood would use the more traditional slang word “Da” in the title, but this one opts for the lesser known (and much more eloquent) “Tha”.  Just like the title, the film is slightly better than you’d expect. 

 

The plot is just like all the other Leprechaun movies.  Some people steal the Leprechaun’s gold and he wants it back.  For the Leprechaun, it’s the Same Shit Different Day Syndrome. 

 

The air of over-familiarity isn’t the only debit the film has.  It also gets off to a slow start as Leprechaun doesn’t start killing people until about a half hour into the flick.  Even after he shows up, there are still some considerable lulls in the action.  Plus, the characters aren’t nearly as likable as they were in the previous entry.  At least they are more fleshed out than most characters in horror sequels.

 

Despite its flaws, Leprechaun Back 2 Tha Hood is still quite a bit of fun.  Although there are a number of kills that are left off screen, the ones we do get to see are memorable.  Hearts are ripped out, legs are ripped off, and a guy gets a baseball bat IN the knee.  Easily the most outrageous kill is when one dude gets stabbed with a bong.  Leprechaun Back 2 Tha Hood also features a hilarious Lord of the Rings inspired pre-credits sequence that had me in stitches.

 

Warwick Davis gives yet another fine performance as Leprechaun.  Although I was somewhat disappointed by the conspicuous lack of funny rhymes, that was acceptable because he played the character as a much more malevolent monster this time around.  Just because he was a meaner greener killing machine didn’t mean he didn’t bring the funny.  Wait until you see him smoke a bong, get high, and get the munchies.  That shit was great.  Chaplin, eat your heart out.

 

Leprechaun also gets as good as he gives in this one.  In one scene, he takes an electric razor to the eye and in the end, he gets shot up by some shamrock filled bullets.  The highlight of the film though is when he hangs on to the bottom of the hero’s car and gets squashed by the hydraulics system.  That scene was tight.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: LEPRECHAUN IN THE HOOD (2000) ***

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on October 23rd, 2009)

Usually adding rappers to your horror sequel is a sure sign of creative bankruptcy.  If you don’t believe me, check out Busta Rhymes in Halloween:  Resurrection.  For the Leprechaun series, it actually makes a lot of sense.  I mean all the Leprechaun (Warwick Davis) knows is rhyming and killing.  The same could be said for most rappers.

 

The opening scene takes place in the '70s.  Ice-T (with the obligatory afro) finds Leprechaun’s pot of gold and uses the amulet to turn the irate Irishman into stone.  (“You midget Midas motherfucker!”)  When Ice-T blows on Leprechaun’s golden lute, he becomes a big-time rapper.  Cut to 2000 where a trio of up-and-coming rappers rob Ice-T’s office and accidentally set the Leprechaun free.  They get their hands on the lute and their career begins to take off, but Leprechaun is hot on their trail.  And he wants his gold!

 

Leprechaun in the Hood is the first film in the series that actually follows some sort of continuity.  Like Part 3, Leprechaun is encased in stone by the magical amulet in the beginning of the film.  There’s also a hilarious scene where he gets momentarily weakened by smoking a joint laced with four leaf clovers.  (Four leaf clovers as we all know, was the cause of his death in Part 1.)  Leprechaun also gets some funny rhymes this time out.  (“A lot of time has come and pass, but you’re still a big fat ass!”)

 

Speaking of rhyming, the scenes of the heroes rapping on stage are kinda lame (especially their “religious” rap in a church) and bog the film down.  I will give the filmmakers credit for taking their characters seriously though.  When one of them gets killed unexpectedly, the other two deal with it in an appropriate and believable manner.  I mean how many horror sequels do you know of where the characters actually take time out to mourn the loss of their friends? 

 

I’m not saying this flick is Sophie’s Choice or anything.  There is plenty of blatant ridiculousness here to please any self-respecting connoisseur of the Leprechaun franchise.  How about the subplot where Leprechaun possesses some skanky chicks and turns them into “Zombie Fly Girls”?  Is that weird enough for ya, folks?  The kills are of a fairly high quality and include death by electrified mike stand, heart ripping, and of course, popping caps in people’s asses.  The funniest death though is the throat slashing via afro pick.  And for some reason, a lot of the plot revolves around guys dressing in drag.

 

The highlight of course is when Leprechaun raps at the end.  (“Lep in the hood, come to do no good!”)  You may think that Leprechaun’s rap name “Lep” sounds stupid, but when you consider that other rapper names like Nas and Pras sound just as dumb, it’s kinda believable.  I also like the rap names for the main characters Post Master P (“I deliver a positive message!”), Stray Bullet, and Onassis (“He used to be a pimp; you know… he OWNED asses!”).

 

Warwick Davis gives another stellar performance as Leprechaun.  He seems to be having more fun here than he did in the last film, that’s for sure.  Ice-T is also pretty good and gives his best performance in a movie not named Ricochet.  If T’s presence wasn’t enough to give the movie “street cred”; Coolio also turns up in a cameo playing himself.

 

The pacing is erratic, the cinematography is cruddy, and most of the songs (with the exception of Leprechaun’s rap that is) are terrible.  That shouldn’t stop you from enjoying the flick though.  Leprechaun returned three years later with Leprechaun Back 2 Tha Hood.

 

Leprechaun (naturally) gets the best line of the movie when he smokes a fatty and says, “A friend with weed, is a friend indeed!”

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: LEPRECHAUN 4: IN SPACE (1996) **

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on October 22nd, 2009)

Leprechaun (Warwick Davis) is chilling out in space trying to marry a hottie Princess (Rebekah Carlton) so he can get his hands on her father’s gold.  Then a bunch of Space Marines show up, rescue the Princess, and head back to her home world.  Leprechaun stows away on board their ship and the mischievous munchkin murders the Marines one by one as he tries to reunite with his bride-to-be.

 

Director Brian Trenchard-Smith has the dubious distinction of directing the best (Part 3) and the worst (this one) Leprechaun movies.  I’m not saying that In Space is terrible or anything, it’s just sorta so-so.  Let’s take a look at the Stupid to Cool Ratio.

 

Let’s start with the Stupid Stuff first.  This flick has some of the worst CGI effects known to man.  I know that this is a low budget, straight-to-video Leprechaun sequel we’re talking about, but model spaceships being held up by strings would’ve been preferable to the Nintendo 64 graphics that are passed off as “effects”. 

 

Then there’s the atrocious performance by Guy Siner as the evil Dr. Mittenhand.  This guy is done up to look like some reject from a Dr. Who episode and he overacts like a sumbitch (he speaks in a mock Dr. Strangelove accent).  Later in the film, Leprechaun mixes this bozo’s DNA with a spider and a scorpion and turns him into a lame monster that wouldn’t have cut the mustard for one of those Roger Corman Presents remakes.  The Mittenhand scenes are annoying and take up too much of the flick’s running time; time that would’ve better spent on Leprechaun killing people.

 

Speaking of which, Leprechaun’s kills are kind of weak in this one.  I think the sorriest death came when he flattened a scientist’s face like a pizza.  What’s most depressing is that when Leprechaun murders someone in Part 4, he doesn’t say a funny rhyme afterwards.  The only rhyme he gets is, “Death and destruction is my game, agony is my name!”  Talk about pathetic.  This is especially disappointing considering that his limericks were so superb in the last film.  He does sing “Danny Boy” at one point though.

 

And I think that’s essentially my biggest beef with the movie:  It just doesn’t feel like a Leprechaun movie.  Sure, the setting is novel, but it doesn’t really enhance the whole premise of the series; namely people looking for Leprechaun’s gold who make wishes that get turned against them.  Nobody makes a wish in this movie and his gold is mostly forgotten about until the movie is almost over.  It also doesn’t help when most of the flick consists of boring ass scenes of cut-rate Space Marines walking down hallways looking for Leprechaun. 

 

Much of Leprechaun 4:  In Space is too stupid for words but I did laugh occasionally (admittedly not nearly as much as any of the previous films).  Which leads us to the Good Stuff.  I think the best thing this flick has going for it is The Resurrection Scene.  Most horror sequels have a scene where the killer comes back to life and Leprechaun 4 has a doozy.  In the opening scene, the Marines blow Leprechaun up and one of the soldiers pisses on his dismembered body parts.  While peeing, some of the Leprechaun’s essence jumps back inside the Marine’s dick.  Later, when the soldier is making out with a chick, the Leprechaun comes bursting out of his cock.  While this scene is hilarious to be sure, I think it would’ve been better if the special effect was something a little more extravagant than just Leprechaun rising out of a pair of pants lying on the floor.

 

As you all should know, I’m a sucker for a good jumping-on-a-grenade scene and this movie certainly delivers.  The scene in question comes when Leprechaun jumps on a grenade to save the Princess.  Sure, it’s not on par with the similar scene in Child’s Play 3, but it’ll do in a pinch.  While we’re on the subject of the Leprechaun’s fiancée, I have to commend Carlton for the excellent scene where she gratuitously whips out her titties.  (“When a woman of royalty shows her breasts, it means a death sentence!”)

 

Then there’s the ending.  Leprechaun gets hit with a laser beam and grows to enormous size and chases the soldiers around the cargo bay.  It’s pretty funny.  Then the heroes blast the giant Leprechaun out of the hatch and into space.  Since this movie has already ripped-off of Aliens so much by that point, I’m sure James Cameron didn’t mind them stealing the ending either.

 

And I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the scene in which Leprechaun kills a guy with a lightsaber.  (What, you expect Warwick Davis to go all the way to outer space and NOT make a Star Wars in-joke?)  As funny as this scene is, I wish it wasn’t so brief and the effects so shitty.

 

As you can see, the Stupid to Cool Ratio is about an even 50/50.  That’s far below the norm for the series.  While Leprechaun 4:  In Space certainly has its share of Stupid Stuff, I can’t bring myself to give it any less than Two Stars.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: LEPRECHAUN 3 (1995) ***

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on October 21st, 2009)

When I was in high school, this was the first movie I ever reviewed for our school TV show.  I liked it back then, and it’s just as much fun now.  Leprechaun 3 is simply the best film in the franchise.  This is the Goldfinger of the series.  (I think Leprechaun would like that bit of praise because it has the word “Gold” in the title.)  This is the one where all the elements clicked.  The one that was more than the sum of its parts.  The one where they finally got the formula down pat.  It’s as if director Brian (Night of the Demons 2) Trenchard-Smith said, “The audience wants to see nothing but the Leprechaun killing people then saying funny rhymes afterwards, so by God let’s give it to them!”

 

3 finds Leprechaun (Warwick Davis) in Las Vegas.  Scott (John Gatins) loses his college tuition at the roulette wheel until he gets a hold of one of the Leprechaun’s gold coins.  He makes a wish on the coin to be on a winning streak and it comes true.  An incompetent magician (John DeMita) and a haggard looking casino worker (Caroline Williams from Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2) quickly steal the coin to get their own wishes.  This of course doesn’t set well with the Leprechaun, and he makes sure that their wishes backfire drastically.

 

Leprechaun went to Hollywood in Part 2, so Vegas was a natural setting for the little bugger.  As with the previous installment, the rules are all different from the original.  This time instead of shamrocks or wrought iron being the bane of the Leprechaun’s existence, it’s his gold that is his Achilles Heel.  He also awakens from being imprisoned in stone by a magical amulet, which is different from his tree house prison from the last picture. 

 

In addition to the inconsistencies in the Leprechaun lore, the film also takes too long to get going.  Far too much time is spent on the Indian pawn shop owner who does battle with the Leprechaun in the first act.  I did like the part where he bit the guy’s ear off though.  (“I like Indian food… so spicy!”)  Once Gatins gets a hold of the Leprechaun’s loot, the film really starts to cook. 

 

What makes Leprechaun 3 so memorable is the rhymes.  This one has the best of the entire series.  (“With all of this killing, I’ve lost me schilling!”)  The funniest ditty comes right after Leprechaun kills Williams.  She wishes for a perfect body, and he makes her boobs, lips, and butt grow to enormous proportions until she literally explodes.  Afterwards, Leprechaun quips, “What a lovely lass, I had to blow up her ass!”

 

There’s also a lot of random bizarre shit in this movie that I enjoyed.  Like the CD-ROM program that tells the Leprechaun’s back story.  That was original.  There was also a quirky kill in which Leprechaun made a gangster’s fantasy dream girl turn into a cyborg with boobs.  It didn’t make a lick of sense, but it was cool nevertheless.  The weirdest thing about the flick though is the subplot involving the hero being bitten by the Leprechaun and becoming a Were-Leprechaun.  How much Mad Dog 20/20 do you have to drink before you come up with THAT idea?

 

I also liked how Leprechaun runs around Las Vegas (“Golden Nugget!  I’d like one of those!”) and nobody even blinks.  The best of these scenes comes when he runs into an Elvis impersonator who says, “Nice shoes, do they come in blue suede?”  These exterior shots also provide us with a good look at Las Vegas’s Fremont Street in the ‘90s.  I was there recently in ‘07 (when I got married) and the downtown section has definitely taken a turn for the worse, so it was nice to see the old part of Vegas perfectly preserved in time.

 

Leprechaun 3 delivers on the gore (the bloodiest scene is when he saws the magician in half), clever kills (he turns a guy into a human slot machine), and hilarious rhymes (“For that trick, I’ll chop off your dick!”).  The flick also contains some intentional humor that’s actually quite funny.  (Like the Mafiosos who have a debate about boxers vs. briefs.) What more could you possibly want from a Leprechaun movie?

 

Trenchard-Smith also directed the next installment in the series, Leprechaun 4:  In Space.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: LEPRECHAUN 2 (1994) ***

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on October 20th, 2009)

Leprechaun (Warwick Davis) is back.  This time he’s in Hollywood looking for a bride.  He sets his sights on the virginal teenaged Bridget (Shevonne Durkin), much to the chagrin of her boyfriend Cody (Charlie Heath).  Leprechaun chains her up in his magic tree house and prepares for his wedding while Cody desperately to convince his drunken Uncle Morty (Sandy Baron) that Leprechauns are real.

 

Leprechaun 2 is a step up from the first film in terms of production design.  It’s a lot slicker looking and actually feels like a real movie.  I can’t really say it’s traditionally what we would call a “good” movie, but I’ll be damned if it didn’t have me in stitches.

 

I think what makes Leprechaun 2 work is Baron’s performance as the drunken Uncle Morty.  This guy is great.  He looks and acts like George Carlin’s evil twin or something.  His best scene comes when he tries to cheat Leprechaun out of his gold.  (“I could ask for a million dollars… I could ask for a BILLION dollars… but no!  I want your crummy pot of gold!”)  Leprechaun gives him what he wants and makes his pot of gold magically appear in Morty’s belly!  There are a lot of negative things you can say about this movie, but they are easily forgivable because the sight of a crock of gold magically appearing inside of an old dude’s stomach is fucking hilarious. 

 

There’s also a great scene earlier in the picture where Morty gets into a drinking contest with Leprechaun.  Afterwards, Leprechaun crawls into a coffee bar and drinks a bunch of java to sober up.  When the obnoxious barista gets on his nerves, Leprechaun scalds him to death with an espresso machine!

 

Another death scene that gets some laughs, both intentional and otherwise comes when Leprechaun makes one of Cody’s friends think that Bridget is seducing him.  She rips off her shirt and the guy moves in closer to her chest, unaware that it is just one of Leprechaun’s illusions and he is really putting his face into some whirring lawnmower blades.  While this scene is funny enough as is, what makes it downright hysterical is the fact that it features what has to be hands down the worst body double in film history.  Durkin obviously has pale skin and small breasts, but when she takes off her shirt, she miraculously has a dark tan and huge silicone implants.  It becomes even more apparent when the editor keeps cutting back and forth from her face to her tits.  Of course, her boobs are merely an illusion created by the Leprechaun, so it kinda makes sense that her tits wouldn’t match her body.  Because of that, I guess I can give this scene a Mulligan.  That still doesn’t mean it isn’t uproarious.

 

As you can tell, most of this movie is entertainingly stupid.  Some of it is downright disturbing.  Like the scene where Leprechaun threatens to consummate his wedding with Bridget and licks her face.  (“Kiss me, I’m Irish!”)  Then there’s one part that will just make you want to puke.  Leprechaun he tells her, “We’ll have to make many changes to your face.  The wee ones won’t suckle if you don’t look like them!” 

 

Be glad this movie spared you the sight of Leprechaun babies suckling at the teat.

 

For whatever reason, Leprechaun 2 makes up a whole bunch of new rules regarding the Leprechaun.  For example, he can only be killed by wrought iron, but in the first film it was a four-leaf clover that did him in.  Leprechaun even has some stupid rules regarding marriage.  He’ll only marry a woman who sneezes three times without someone saying, “God bless you”.  (“She sneezes one, she sneezes twice; she’ll be my slave when she sneezes thrice!”)

 

The filmmakers also made some glaring continuity errors too.  In the beginning, Leprechaun gets trapped inside a magic tree for a thousand years.  But the first movie ended with him being trapped inside a well!  He also said in the original that he was 600 years old, but he claims to be 2000 in this one.  I hate it when they do shit like that.

 

A couple of inconsistencies aside, Leprechaun 2 is fun for the most part.  The series was really gathering steam at this point, with Part 3 being the crown jewel of the franchise.  It’s even better when you play this Suggested Drinking Game:  Take a shot of Irish Whisky every time Leprechaun says, “I want me gold!”

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: LEPRECHAUN (1993) ** ½

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on October 19th, 2009)

Leprechaun was Jennifer Aniston’s film debut.  It’s kind of a shame that she never made another movie quite as good as this one.  She’s fairly decent in this flick and you can only imagine how good of a scream queen she could’ve been had she not starred in that Friends bullshit.

 

The plot has a centuries old Leprechaun (Warwick Davis) terrorizing a bunch of people at a farmhouse in the middle of nowhere.  The murderous munchkin is looking for his gold and he’s prepared to rip off someone’s face if they don’t produce his coins in a timely manner.  Naturally the only thing that can kill a Leprechaun is a four-leaf clover, so the precocious brat of the group slingshots it into the Leprechaun’s mouth; causing him to melt.

 

Leprechaun has its share of chuckles.  I for one think it’s pretty hilarious that a shamrock is to the Leprechaun what a cross is to a vampire.  (They even have to “believe” in order for it to work.)  While a Killer Leprechaun is a promising concept, not much is really done with it to make the film completely worthwhile.  It also doesn’t help when the characters are all annoying.  (The know-it-all kid, the slow-witted handyman, the shrill vegetarian chick, the hunky painter, the useless father, etc.)

 

The biggest problem with the flick is that the tone is all out of whack.  Sometimes the film is extremely silly (Leprechaun eats some fake Lucky Charms at one point), and other times, things are played completely straight.  Thankfully, the sequels would take the formula and run with it.  They invented new rules, ignored continuity, and gave Leprechaun more silly rhymes, which resulted in bigger laughs.

 

The reason to watch Leprechaun is for Warwick Davis.  This is hands down his best role.  Fuck Willow.  He’s great in these movies.  They don’t give him a lot of funny stuff to do in this one (besides ride a tricycle in fast motion) but he does have his moments.  I like how he had OCD and frantically polished people’s shoes.  There’s also a great scene where he uses a pogo stick to jump up and down on a pawn shop owner’s chest.  (“This old man, he played one, he played pogo on my lungs!”) The highlight of the flick though comes when a cop pulls Leprechaun over for speeding in a Power Wheels car.  Their dialogue is priceless. 

 

Cop:  “Aren’t we a little young to be out this late?” 

 

Leprechaun:  “I’m 600 years old!”

MARK OF THE DEVIL PART II (1974) ** ½

Lady Elizabeth (Erika Blanc from The Night Evelyn Came Out of the Grave) looks on in horror as her husband is murdered while attempting to stop a witchfinder named Natas (Reggie Nalder) from drowning a woman accused of witchcraft in an icy lake.  Natas is the right-hand man of the head witchfinder (Anton Diffring), and they conspire against Elizabeth to silence her.  They even accuse her young son of consorting with witches and have her imprisoned.   

Mark of the Devil Part II mixes in a bit of Nunsploitation into the old tried-and-true witch trials and torture scenes.  If you’re into seeing bald horny nuns being whipped and raped, then this will rocket up your must-see list in a hurry. 

Even though Reggie died in the first movie, he appears here playing a different but very similar character.  The filmmakers knew his slimy performance was one of the best parts of the original, so they weren’t about to make a sequel without him.  Similarly, Johannes Buzalski also returns as the witchfinder’s advocate, except his eye that gouged out in the first movie has miraculously grown back. 

While Nalder cuts an imposing figure, sadly, Herbert Lom and Udo Kier’s absence is felt.  Diffring’s prissy aristocratic demeanor is definitely lackluster when compared to Lom’s vile performance.  At least Blanc is good in the lead.

Even though I’ve seen the original numerous times, I somehow never got around to seeing this one.  It isn’t necessarily bad, but like most sequels, it’s a step down in quality from the first film in just about every department.  I did like the scene where one of the burly executioners gets mad when he learns Diffring is torturing people who oppose him under falsified accusations because it gives the torture business “a bad name”!

Speaking of torture scenes, they still have a kick to them.  The most memorable moment comes when a woman is lowered spread eagle onto a sharp stake.  In another, a priest is fitted with what looks like a pair of flaming iron Crocs.  Blanc is placed on the rack as well, and there’s a messy decapitation.  Again, it’s not as good as Part I, but if you dug it the first time around, well… here it is again. 

AKA:  Witches:  Violated and Tortured to Death.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: MARK OF THE DEVIL (1970) ***

FORMAT:  4K UHD

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on July 17th, 2007)

The ads said: “Positively the most horrifying film ever made!” Not really, but the film has many unsettling scenes of torture. It takes place during height of the Salem witch hunts. We get to see fingers cut off, tar and feathering, and witches burned at the stake. And that’s the first five minutes! 

Herbert (The Pink Panther movies) Lom comes to a small village and takes over as Head Witchfinder for Reggie (Salem’s Lot) Nalder. At first, he seems more reasonable than Nalder, but soon resorts to even worse tactics. Udo (Andy Warhol’s Dracula) Kier is Lom’s protégée, who’s in love with a sultry bar maid. When she spurns Nalder’s advances, he accuses her of being a witch and has her imprisoned. The townspeople revolt and in the downbeat ending, Lom (who we find out is impotent) escapes and the heroic Kier gets lynched. The original ending had all the murdered torture victims rising from the grave to get revenge, but the distributor hated it so much he burned the negative!

The graphic torture scenes include finger crushing, whippings, girls topless on the rack, bare asses on spikes, Chinese water torture, and in the film’s most famous scene, a girl’s tongue is ripped out. The film is at its best when showing this stuff in gory detail but is also effective at showing the hypocrisy of the witchfinders. Lucky as hell first run theater patrons got free Mark of the Devil Vomit Bags when they saw this in 1970. The first film “Rated V for VIOLENCE!”

AKA:  Witches are Tortured to Death.  AKA:  Austria 1700.  AKA:  Hexen.  AKA:  Burn, Witch, Burn.  AKA:  Satan.

QUICK THOUGHTS:

I’ve always thought of Mark of the Devil as Witchfinder General’s trashy cousin.  That film had class, style, and a terrific performance by Vincent Price.  This one is exploitative, grisly, and has Herbert Lom chewing the scenery.  Still, you’ve got to admire the way the film rubs the audience’s nose in the deprived excess.  The torture scenes still pack a punch (especially the justifiably famous tongue tipping scene), even if the stuff in between them is decidedly less than gripping. 

4K UHD NOTES:

This is another fine remastering by Vinegar Syndrome.  They cleaned it up nicely, but they left in just enough grain to make it look like you’re watching it at a drive-in.  The colors look especially great during the psychedelic swirling that occurs right before Lom’s assistant gets his eye gouged out.  Too bad it didn’t come with a commemorative barf bag.

IMAGINARY (2024) * ½

Blumhouse had a hit last year with a movie about a killer toy.  Of course, you all know the flick I’m talking about, the instant classic M3GAN.  Now, here they come again with another horror film about a killer toy.  Sadly, lightning didn’t strike twice with the tepid and forgettable Imaginary. 

You know, I thought it was going to be good for a while there, but it turned out that it was just my imagination. 

Jessica (DeWanda Wise) moves back into her childhood home with her blended family in tow.  Before long, her young stepdaughter Alice (Pyper Braun) finds an old teddy bear and names him Chauncey.  Naturally, we learn Chauncey is evil (or I should say, the characters learn as the audience knows what’s up from the start), and when he whisks her away to Imaginationland, it’s up to Jessica to rescue her. 

Imaginary is a limp hodgepodge of M3GAN, Child’s Play, A Nightmare on Elm Street 5, Beetlejuice, Insidious, and a Snuggles TV commercial.  Director Jeff (Kick-Ass 2) Wadlow seems to be more interested in ripping off other movies than fleshing out an original mythology of his own.  He does deliver one fun scene where Chauncey attacks a druggie neighbor, but it was already more or less shown in its entirety in the trailers.  The scenes in the MC Esher-inspired “Neverever” are especially derivative and drag like a sumbitch.  The gratuitous fake-out ending also adds unnecessarily to the already bloated running time.

The acting is crummy across the board.  Betty (Carrie) Buckley is particularly annoying as the nosy neighbor who spews an ungodly amount of exposition.  In fact, Chauncey himself is probably the best actor in the whole movie.  Even though he is mostly silent in his close-ups, his expressions speak volumes.  Too bad his final form looks like leftovers from Five Nights at Freddy’s.  Whenever Chauncey’s original form isn’t on screen, Imaginary is nearly unbearable. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: READY TO RIDE (1992) ** ½

FORMAT:  VHS

Penthouse Video was always slightly more risqué than the similarly themed Playboy tapes, if only because the models’ pubic regions were trimmed and/or bare so you could see glimpses of their genitalia.  In the age of internet porn this will all probably seem rather chaste.  However, if you were a teenage boy in the ‘90s (as I was). the Penthouse Video tapes were where it was at. 

The tape kicks off with previews for other Penthouse Videos such as Satin and Lace, Fast Cars Fantasy Women, and Passport to Paradise.  Then the main attraction begins.  It’s a collection of hit-and-miss motorcycle-themed vignettes of nude biker babes. 

The first one is called “Biker Chicks” (** ½), and it plays like a naughty rock video version of The Violent Years.  Three sexy biker babes roam the countryside, accosting and hogtying unsuspecting men (and women) before having their way with them.  The ladies all look great in this segment, but the MTV editing kinda prevents it from gathering up much steam. 

Next, we have “Satin and Lace” (** ½), a black and white sequence where a biker dude bangs Monique Gabrielle on the back of his motorcycle.  While this scene begins promisingly enough, there’s not a whole lot to it and it’s over before it really begins. 

“Bar Dance” (***) is a fun sequence where two hot blondes become bored by the dates, pop a quarter in the jukebox, and start stripping on the bar.  This one effectively straddles the line of fantasy and “Letters to Penthouse” style of straitlaced people having a wild encounter, although you have to wait till the very end to see how it fits into the overall biker theme. 

Then, a pre-porn, pre-tattoos Janine does a sexy dance in a studio on and around a motorcycle while clad in leather in “Locked in Leather” (** ½).  Like the first segment, this is little more than a rock video, but you know, with boobs. 

“Bikers and Guys” (**) is up next, and it’s a leisurely paced assortment of random scenes of girls (one of which is Julie Strain) slowly disrobing for the camera while a lazy blues guitar plays on the soundtrack.  Oh, and occasionally some guys on motorcycles ride by.  This scene just feels like filler and worse, looks like it may have been cobbled together from outtakes of a previous Penthouse video.  Even though it ends with Strain straddling a biker dude and dry humping him, it still isn’t all that entertaining or hot. 

After that, we have “Daydreaming (** ½) where a motorcycle mechanic has hallucinations of Julie K. Smith dressed (and undressed) as Marilyn Monroe.  Julie looks great here all done up as Marilyn, but there really isn’t a whole lot to this unusually short sequence. 

This is followed by yet another faux MTV rock video segment, “Fire and Water” (**) featuring more bosomy biker babes.  Again, it just feels like filler, and some of the footage was even recycled from previous segments. 

A hitchhiking hippie chick gets picked up by a biker who bangs her in the woods in “Flower Child” (**).  This segment is kind of tame and pretty lame, and the slow rock song on the soundtrack is awful. 

A morbidly obese biker stops reading Penthouse to play a rock cassette which summons Penthouse Pets out of thin air who then strip for him and his buddies in “Biker Gang” (** ½).  The Pets are hot, and there’s some good energy in this scene, but the fat grubby biker dudes are kind of hard to take. 

Julie K. Smith is back to do some “Solo Dancing” (****) in another rock video segment.  She has a lot of energy as she shimmies and shakes in front of a motorcycle.  I’m a big fan of Julie’s and this sequence gives you just about everything you could hope to see from her.  The close-ups of Smith ripping her mesh outfit and baring it all for the camera are particularly hot.  Although this segment is kind of short, it’s definitely the highlight of the tape. 

Julie Strain is the focus of the final segment, “Ready to Die” (**).  She entices the grubby bikers from the earlier segment, and they chase her on the highway with their bikes.  Once they finally catch up to her, she lets have their way with her.  Then, we find out it was all a dream!?!  HUH!?!  This one just goes on way too long, and not even the sexy allure of Julie can save this unsexy, meandering sequence. 

Ultimately, Ready to Ride might not be one of Penthouse’s best videos, but the fact that it features such soon to be porn luminaries such as Janine and Tiffany Mynx and B-Movie Queens like Julie Strain, Julie K. Smith, and Monique Gabrielle will make it well worth watching for their legions of fans. 

AKA:  Penthouse:  Ready to Ride.

TOP TEN OF 2023

Now that I've finally posted the winners of the Video Vacuum Awards, I can finally reveal my Top Ten Films of the Year:

 Top Ten Best Movies 

1. Creed III 

2. M3GAN 

3. Godzilla Minus One 

4. Oppenheimer 

5. Poor Things 

6. Thanksgiving 

7. Lingerie Fighting Championships 37:  Back to the Mansion 

8. The Equalizer 3 

9. Mission:  Impossible:  Dead Reckoning:  Part One 

10. Fast X 

Runner-Up:  Priscilla 

Bottom Five Worst Movies

1. Bikini Hackers 

2. Cocaine Shark 

3. Savage Vengeance 

4. Amityville Death Toilet

5. 1962 Halloween Massacre 

THE 17TH ANNUAL VIDEO VACUUM AWARDS: AND THE WINNERS ARE…

Wow, can you believe I have been handing out these awards for SEVENTEEN years and not one single recipient has ever bothered to come and claim them?  Anyway, I can’t worry about that now.  I have even more useless awards to hand out to people who will never pick them up.  Let’s begin, shall we?

Best Sequel/Prequel

And the nominees are…

Creed III

The Equalizer 3

Godzilla Minus One

Lingerie Fighting Championships 37:  Back to the Mansion

Mission:  Impossible:  Dead Reckoning:  Part One

And the winner is… Creed III!

Worst Sequel

And the nominees are…

Amor Emanuelle

Evil Dead Rise

Camp Blood 666 Part 2:  Exorcism of the Clown

Doll Killer 3:  Audra’s Revenge

Subspecies 5:  Bloodrise

And the loser is… Evil Dead Rise!

Best Sci-Fi Movie

And the nominees are…

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3

The Marvels

Murderbot

Poor Things

Shin Ultraman

And the winner is… Poor Things!

Best Horror Movie

And the nominees are…

Godzilla Minus One

M3GAN

The Nun II

Pillow Party Massacre

Thanksgiving

And the winner is… M3GAN!

Worst Horror Movie

And the nominees are… 

Amityville Death Toilet

Cocaine Cougar

Cocaine Shark

1962 Halloween Massacre

Savage Vengeance

And the loser is… Cocaine Shark!

Best Horror Sequel

And the nominees are… 

Axegrinder 666

The Exorcist:  Believer

Godzilla Minus One

The Nun II

Pet Sematary:  Bloodlines

And the winner is… Godzilla Minus One!

Worst Horror Sequel

And the nominees are…

Camp Blood 666 Part 2:  Exorcism of the Clown

CarousH3LL

Doll Killer 3:  Audra’s Revenge

Evil Dead Rise

Subspecies 5:  Bloodrise

And the loser is… Evil Dead Rise!

Best Comic Book Movie

And the nominees are…

Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom

The Flash

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3

The Marvels

Spider-Man:  Across the Spider-Verse

And the winner is… The Flash!

Best Action Movie

And the nominees are…

Creed III

The Equalizer 3

Fast X

Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny

Mission:  Impossible:  Dead Reckoning:  Part One

And the winner is… Creed III!

Best Actor

And the nominees are…

Harrison Ford in Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny

Ryunosuke Kamiki in Godzilla Minus One

Jason Momoa in Fast X

Cillian Murphy in Oppenheimer

Mark Ruffalo in Poor Things

And the winner is… Cillian Murphy in Oppenheimer!

Best Actress

And the nominees are…

Emily Blunt in Oppenheimer

Taissa Farmiga in The Nun II

M3GAN in M3GAN

Cailee Spaeny in Priscilla

Emma Stone in Poor Things

And the winner is… Emma Stone in Poor Things!

Best Director

And the nominees are…

Gerard Johnstone for M3GAN

Michael B. Jordan for Creed III

Yorgos Lanthimos for Poor Things

Christopher Nolan for Oppenheimer

Takashi Yamasaki for Godzilla Minus One

And the winner is… Michael B. Jordan for Creed III!

Worst Picture

And the nominees are…

Amityville Death Toilet

Bikini Hackers

Cocaine Shark

1962 Halloween Massacre

Savage Vengeance

And the loser is… Bikini Hackers!

Best Picture

And the nominees are…

Creed III

Godzilla Minus One

M3GAN

Oppenheimer

Poor Things

And the winner is… Creed III!

Well, that’s all for this year, folks.  See you next year for more… stuff!

THE 17TH ANNUAL VIDEO VACUUM TECHNICAL AWARDS

Okay, folks.  We’re quickly ramping up to the 17th Annual Video Vacuum Awards.  While we anxiously await the results, let us first celebrate the 17th Annual Video Vacuum Technical Awards.  These of course, are the awards for movies that were found in categories so narrow that there often were only one or two choices.  Hence, they are technically the winner of that category.  So, let’s begin!

Worst Amityville Movie

Amityville Death Toilet

Runner-Up:  Amityville Emanuelle

Best Cocaine Animal Movie

Cocaine Bear

Worst Cocaine Animal Movie

Cocaine Shark

Runner-Up:  Cocaine Cougar

Worst Comic Book Movie

Shazam!  Fury of the Gods

Runner-Up:  Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles:  Mutant Mayhem

Best Documentary

Lingerie Fighting Championships 37:  Back to the Mansion

Runner-Up:  Albert Brooks:  Defending My Life

Best Drama

Oppenheimer

Runner-Up:  Priscilla

Best Dustin Ferguson Movie

Summerhouse Slaughter

Runner-Up:  Stale Popcorn and Sticky Floors

Worst Dustin Ferguson Movie

Cocaine Cougar

Runner-Up:  Big F*cking Snake

Worst Emanuelle Movie

Amor Emanuelle

Runner-Up:  Amityville Emanuelle

Best Exorcism Movie

Exorcist:  Believer

Worst Exorcism Movie

Camp Blood 666 Part 2:  Exorcism of the Clown 

Best Family Movie

Fast X

Worst Horror Remake/Reboot

Savage Vengeance

Runner-Up:  Children of the Corn

Best Jason Statham Movie

Fast X

Runner-Up:  Expend4bles

Best Kids Movie

The Super Mario Bros. Movie

Runner-Up:  Spider-Man:  Across the Spider-Verse

Worst Kids Movie

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles:  Mutant Mayhem

Best Killer Doll Movie

M3GAN

Worst Killer Doll Movie

Demon Doll from Hell

Runner-Up:  Doll Killer 3:  Audra’s Revenge

Best Non-Killer Doll Movie

Barbie

Worst Mark Polonia Movie

Cocaine Shark

Runner-Up:  Motorboat

Best Movie Based on a Toy

Barbie

Worst Movie Based on a Toy

Transformers:  Rise of the Beasts

Best Movie Based on a Trailer

Thanksgiving

Best Movie Based on a TV Show

The Equalizer 3

Runner-Up:  Mission:  Impossible:  Dead Reckoning:  Part One

Worst Movie Based on a TV Show

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles:  Mutant Mayhem

Best Remake/Reboot

The Super Mario Bros. Movie

Runner-Up:  Shin Ultraman

Worst Remake/Reboot

Savage Vengeance

Runner-Up:  Children of the Corn

Worst Sci-Fi Movie

Big F*cking Snake 

Runner-Up:  AIMEE:  The Visitor

Worst Sequel to a Sequel

Camp Blood 666 Part 2:  Exorcism of the Clown

Best 666 Sequel

Axegrinder 666

Worst 666 Sequel

Camp Blood 666 Part 2:  Exorcism of the Clown

Best Stephen King Movie

Pet Sematary:  Bloodlines

Worst Stephen King Movie

Children of the Corn

Best Vampire Movie

Parasite Lady

Best Video Game Movie

The Super Mario Bros. Movie

NARCOTIC (1933) **

Narcotic is director Dwain (Maniac) Esper’s anti-drug propaganda flick that rallies against the use of opium.  A doctor with a promising future is engaged to be married and spends his spare time volunteering at a free clinic.  He starts hanging out with his Chinese friend from college who recreationally visits opium dens and before long, he becomes a hopelessly addicted doper.  His wife figures out he’s an addict and tries to get him help.  After a successful stint in rehab, he becomes addicted once again after getting into a terrible car wreck.  Tragically, his life quickly spirals from there.

Lacking the jaw-dropping lunacy of Esper’s classic, Maniac or even the wild-eyed fun of the Esper-produced Reefer Madness, Narcotic is a tepid and routine affair.  I guess that has a lot to do with the presentation as we’re told upfront it’s a “case study”.  In another words, a factual account.  What made Esper’s other adults-only roadshow outings so much fun is that they were fire and brimstone scare pictures.  This one is more of a filmed manual about the dangers of addiction.  Whereas Maniac had nudity and gore and Reefer Madness had hilarious overacting, this one has boring speeches about addiction.  (To be fair, there may have been harsher scenes in its original release.  The editing is so choppy throughout that it’s conceivable that at some point there was a tawdrier version before the censors got ahold of it.)

Other than a brief birth of a baby scene and the guy in yellow face who smokes hookahs and spouts fortune cookie witticisms, Narcotic is curiously low on the WTF moments you hope for from a dated scare picture.   The closest it comes to matching the heights of Esper’s other works is the “dope party” scene near the end.  Even then, it’s more or less just a bunch of people hanging around and telling bad jokes, but the close-up of a needle going in the arm is rather graphic.  (The shots of the pothead’s uncontrolled giggling sort of portends the hilarity of Reefer Madness.)  The funniest part is when one partygoer says, “We’re gonna get lit!”  It’s nice to know that after nearly a hundred years some slang words never change. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: TELL ME NO LIES (2001) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

A serial killer is going around butchering a bevy of beautiful busty college coeds.  Amber Smith is a sexy DJ for a college radio call-in show whose sultry voice attracts the attention of the killer.  When he reveals on the air that he killed Amber’s sister, it naturally rattles her.  While the police drag their feet and come up with no leads, Amber sets out to take down the killer on her own terms. 

Smith makes quite an impression as she really commands the screen.  She has a sexy voice and is a natural fit behind the microphone.  She also looks great in her frequent nude scenes. 

Most of the sex scenes are gratuitous and would make a Mainline Releasing erotic thriller seem subtle and restrained by comparison.  That’s just a fancy way of saying they’re pretty darn good.  These sequences are well lit, have patient editing, and director Emmanuele Itier frames the scenes in such a way that he’s able to get the most out of the performers'… uh… assets.  The sex scenes also occur at a steady clip which also help to disguise the thin plot. 

Other than Amber’s impressive performance, the rest of the cast are sadly, more or less a washout.  Jason Ryan, who plays the main cop on the case especially looks ridiculous in his ill-fitting cowboy hat, especially considering that without it, he otherwise looks like a member of Sugar Ray.  His Texas accent sounds equally phony.  Thankfully, his goofy appearances don’t detract from the hot and heavy softcore action. 

The finale where Amber and her boyfriend are attacked by the killer is a lot less effective than the build-up to the confrontation.  This lengthy sequence also cuts into the nude scenes, which were previously occurring every five minutes.  The tepid climax aside, for the first hour or so, Tell Me No Lies is truthfully a great Skinamax thriller. 

Itier later went on to direct documentaries, many of which were narrated by none other than Sharon Stone!

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SHOTGUN (1989) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on April 11th, 2018)

There’s a psycho going around the city wearing a leather S & M mask and beating up hookers.  Two concerned cops, Jones (Stuart Chapin) and Billings (Riff Hutton) warn the ladies of the night to beware.  When Jones’ sister becomes the killer’s latest victim, he goes out for revenge.  He flies off the handle and winds up getting thrown off the force.  Jones ekes out a living as a bounty hunter and quickly gains the nickname “Shotgun” for his propensity for shooting people in the ass with a shotgun.

Shotgun is a chintzy, low-rent, but watchable cop thriller.  The sometimes-blurry cinematography gives it the look of a slightly higher budgeted homemade movie.  The amateurish performances (especially by Chapin) help add to the fact (and the fun).

The early scenes of the masked killer whipping hookers have a kick to them and gives you a good look at Hollywood Boulevard in the late ‘80s.  However, the tone is inconsistent.  It goes from comedy (like when Chapin and Hutton bust up a robbery in a bar) to prostitute beating a little crudely, which sometimes hampers it from truly taking off.

Shotgun suffers from a low budget, but the filmmakers wisely saved all their money for the final reel.  In the end, Chapin gets an old buddy to turn his truck into a tank equipped with a flamethrower.  They then head down to Mexico to take out the killer who's hiding in a fortress surrounded by armed goons.  This sequence has enough explosions, pyrotechnics, and shots of people being blown away and/or set on fire to qualify it as a minor classic. 

Chapin gets the best line of the movie when he tells an Internal Affairs officer:  “My partner and I were in a situation that probably would’ve given you Hershey Squirts!”

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: DEADLY TARGET (1994) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Gary Daniels stars in this moderately entertaining PM Entertainment actioner as a Hong Kong cop who is sent to Los Angeles to bring back the drug kingpin (Byron Mann) who killed his brother.  Naturally, the prisoner transfer goes awry and his quarry escapes.  Everyone tells Gary to go back home, but he sticks around and teams up with a karate-kicking LA cop (Ken McLeod) to get his man(n). 

Deadly Target was the one and only directorial effort from actress Charla Driver.  She handles the fight scenes competently enough for the most part, and while there’s nothing revolutionary here, it’s quite satisfying overall.  (Driver gives us the obligatory scene where there’s a shot of a conspicuously placed vase, and you just know it’s only a matter of time before it is smashed by a whirling leg kick in slow motion.)  The car chases and explosions are rather over the top too, which is the norm for a PM flick.  Unfortunately, Driver puts way too much concentration on the love story subplot between Daniels and a Chinese blackjack dealer (Susan Byun).  These scenes are okay, but they only add to the already lengthy ninety-nine-minute running time. 

The characters make so much about Gary being a cop from Hong Kong that it almost made me wonder if the script was originally supposed to star an Asian lead.  Either way, I guess it didn’t matter where he was from.  (Although I guess it would make sense for Gary to be English since Hong Kong was under British rule at the time.)  All that really matters is that he kicks a bunch of dudes in the face and shoots a bunch of drug dealers, which, of course, he does.  Because of that, I’d say Deadly Target is a reasonably enjoyable addition to Gary’s vast DTV filmography. 

AKA:  Fire Zone.  AKA:  Street War.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SOLDIER BOYZ (1996) **

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on September 23rd, 2011)

Soldier Boyz finds Michael Dudikoff as an ex-military man-turned-social worker trying to get through to some gang members in a jail for troubled kids. Some rich guy approaches him to rescue his daughter who’s being held captive by Cary Hiroyuki Tagawa in Vietnam. Dudikoff accepts the mission but only as long as he can take a couple of these kids with him. Because the teens are in opposing gangs, racists, or otherwise psychotic, Dudikoff has to make sure they don’t kill each other before they kill the enemy.

So, basically what we’ve got here is a gangbanger version of The Dirty Dozen with The American Ninja in the Lee Marvin role.

Let me get this off my chest. The plot of this movie is fucking stupid. I mean who in their right mind would authorize sending incarcerated gang members to Vietnam on a top-secret mission? MILITARY prisoners, sure; but generic hoodrats? Please. Plus, the title is also misleading because there’s a girl on the team too. I guess Soldier Boyz and One Gurl just didn’t have the same ring to it.

Whatever the flick lacks in the probability department, it makes up for in the earnestness of Dudikoff’s performance. He really gives it his all and does a helluva job here. As misguided as most of the movie is, Dudikoff gives it some gravitas at least.

Despite the highly unlikely set-up, a good movie could’ve been made from this material. Often times, the flick plays like an OK first draft of a potentially good film. Maybe if they beefed up the villain a bit more and actually worked to make the gang members likeable; it could’ve worked.

Then again, since Louis (The Hitcher 2) Morneau, was in the director’s chair, the flick probably never stood a chance. Although there is quite a lot of gunfire and explosions; most of the action is routine and the finale is weak. The flick also loses major points for giving guys like Cary Hiroyuki Tagawa and Don Stroud (who wears an eye patch) virtually nothing worthwhile to do.

The flick is at its best during the scenes where Dudikoff whips his team in shape. It’s here where you can see glimpses of a decent movie trying to get out. Once Dudikoff and his “Boyz” start soldiering, it’s not much to write home about.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: PLATOON LEADER (1988) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

There was a time when the DTV action market was filled with low budget Nam actioners in the wake of Rambo and Platoon.  With Platoon Leader, you can relive that short, but memorable era of home video entertainment. 

As far as Namsploitation flicks go, this one is OK.  It was produced by Cannon and stars Michael (American Ninja) Dudikoff as a green lieutenant who is sent to Nam to whip a platoon of soldiers into shape.  The disillusioned, weary grunts have been in the shit for months and resent their wet behind the ears superior who’s never seen combat.  He eventually learns what his men know all too well:  War is hell. 

Aaron Norris directs (in a rare outing in which his brother Chuck isn’t the star) with a workmanlike competence.  He does a better job directing the various gunfire battles and explosions than he does with the drama, but I guess that’s to be expected.  While Platoon Leader is certainly watchable, it’s honestly nothing we haven’t seen before, and done better I might add.  

At least the performances are pretty good.  Dudikoff is fine in the lead, even if his major character trait is to be constantly wrong about everything.  William Smith shows up for a little bit as his superior who sends him into battle without sufficient firepower or man support.  Robert F. Lyons is also solid as Dudikoff’s second in command who dutifully follows him into battle.  The rest of the grunts are the usual assortment of cliches and interchangeable soldier characters that are usually found in these sorts of things. 

If you’re a war movie buff, you probably won’t mind the cliched plot and characters, so you’ll probably enjoy it more than I did.  As a Dudikoff fan, I’d say it makes for an evening of perfectly agreeable entertainment.  It’s just that it’s more than a tad generic and nearly just as forgettable. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: BIG CITY BLUES (1998) ½ *

FORMAT:  DVD

Sigh.  Big City Blues is one of those Tarantino knockoffs that were so prevalent in the late ‘90s.  As such, it features vignettes of interconnected criminal characters.  There are scenes of hitmen talking about movies and making long speeches (one is about “celestial roulette”) before they kill their target, people scoring drugs, and hookers that yammer on and on. 

It's sad that Burt Reynolds never got to be in a Tarantino movie.  (He was supposed to be in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, but passed away before filming began.)  I guess crap like this is probably the closest we’ll get, but it’s kind of depressing to see him in a Sam’s Choice/Great Value/Dr. Perky version of Pulp Fiction.  His bored, grumpy hitman character talks about Clint Eastwood and gives long monologues, but the scripting is amateurish, and the direction is borderline pathetic.  William Forsythe (who was also in the much better Strike Force with Burt) plays his partner in crime, and even he looks tired and ashamed.  Arye Gross and Giancarlo Esposito are on hand as a pair of trans individuals who want to get money for a sex reassignment surgery.   Don’t think this is a win for inclusion as their characters are one-note and feel like they were only there to cash in on To Wong Foo.  And don’t even get me started on the dumb comedy bits (like a hooker jerking off a client who gets off from singing “Old MacDonald Had a Farm”) and the lame fantasy scenes (like a party where everyone dresses up in frog costumes). 

The script rips off Pulp Fiction right down to the scene where characters are kidnapped by creepy, perverted, would-be rapists.  This time, instead of rednecks, it’s kinky Satanists.  I’ve lived a long time and I’ve seen a lot of things, but I didn’t need to see Burt Reynolds strapped to a torture rack and wearing a studded S & M leather thong. 

When the characters finally come together, it’s anticlimactic and not nearly worth all the trouble.  Plus, to add insult to injury, Burt gets one of the worst death scenes on record.  If it wasn’t for Georgina Cates’ lengthy third act nude scene, it would’ve been totally worthless. 

The worst thing about it is the awful cinematography.  Many scenes are dimly lit to the point that it’s hard to see much of anything.  Others are awash in a dark blue hue.  I know the movie is called Big City Blues. but they could’ve picked a lighter shade.  It might’ve at least been easier to see. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: BOUNTY HUNTERS 2: HARDBALL (2001) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

Director George Erschbamer reteamed with stars Michael Dudikoff and Lisa Howard for this entertaining sequel.  Now, the two rival bounty hunters Jersey and B.B. have gone into business with each other.  Not only that, but they’re dating and have even moved in together.  However, juggling work and a relationship has gotten the best of them, so they decide to split up.  Meanwhile, a kingpin played by Tony Curtis (!) gives his hotheaded underling (Steve Bacic) one week to kill Jersey, which naturally results in a lot of fistfights, chase scenes, and explosions. 

Dudikoff and Howard’s easy chemistry carries over quite seamlessly into this more or less immediate sequel.  It’s kind of a shame they didn’t make more movies together.  Curtis (who alternately shows up wearing a bad wig or an even worse hat) is only in a few brief scenes, but it’s always amusing seeing him turn up in something like this.  Bacic is kind of annoying as the upstart wannabe gangster, but that kind of works to his advantage. 

Whenever the pace threatens to flag or the plot looks like it’s going around in circles, Erschbamer tosses in a solid fight sequence or a memorable death (my favorite was the harpoon gun scene) to keep the movie’s head above water.  The highlight is a fight scene at a car wash which plays as a slight reworking of the chop shop fight in the first film.  Instead of all the mechanics knowing Kung Fu, all the car wash attendants are beefy Mafia thugs.  There’s also plenty of humor like the funny scene where Howard winds up dressed like a dominatrix and the faux-Spaghetti Western opening.  Overall, Bounty Hunters 2:  Hardball is just as good, if not better than its predecessor. 

The angry police captain (Claire Riley) gets the best line of the movie when she tells Dudikoff, “This is America!  The bad guys have more rights than you do!”

AKA:  Hardball.