THE BLOODY VIDEO HORROR THAT MADE ME PUKE ON MY AUNT GERTRUDE (1989) **

A guy rents a camcorder from a video store and uses it to make a snuff movie.  When he returns the equipment to the store, he accidentally leaves the tape inside the camcorder.  He comes back to get the tape and murders the owner of the store.  It doesn’t take long for the store clerk to be the police’s prime suspect.  He then sets out to clear his name, even if he has to resort to murder to do so. 

This has a great title and an interesting hook.  It’s just a shame that the amateurishness of the whole enterprise knocks it down a notch.  The humor isn’t funny, many of the characters are downright unbearable, and some of the acting is painful to watch.  It also doesn’t help that there’s only like three people in the cast and they all wear shoddy costumes, obviously fake beards, and even clown make-up to (poorly) conceal their identities. 

Director Zachary Snygg (AKA: John Bacchus, who made all those Seduction Cinema parodies) tosses in a couple of long takes and steady-cam type shots which considering the budget are rather impressive.  Even at seventy-five minutes, a little of this goes a long way and many scenes run past their expiration.  All the stuff with our hero being interrogated by the police feels static and really grinds things to a halt, and the scenes with the homeless guys near the end also feels needlessly drawn out. 

I will say the first twenty minutes or so are surprisingly good.  It’s almost enough to make you wish Snygg just took the best parts and condensed it down to a half hour short.  Either that or he cut out the humor and tried to make it into a straight crime thriller with horror elements.  Still, there’s enough promise here to suggest he’d go on to bigger and better things. 

Oh, and while there is a little bit of puke, Aunt Gertrude is nowhere to be found.  Bummer. 

Snygg made The Heaping Bouncy Breasts That Smothered a Midget the previous year. 

UNHOLY MATRIMONY (1966) **

Hal is a reporter doing an expose on wife swapping.  His editor is convinced underworld types are placing ads in swinger magazines and luring couples into compromising positions as part of an extortion racket.  He sends Hal and his girlfriend undercover (and under the covers) as wife swappers to investigate.  Their first outing is ruined by an overly pushy husband, and next couple get their kicks from listening to them get it on.  They also attend a “key party”, go skinny dipping with couples, and one swinger party goes awry when Hal gets dosed with LSD.  (The great ads played up this angle and proclaimed, “Mix S-E-X and L.S.D. and you get Unholy Matrimony!”)

In theory, the premise should work.  Too bad it’s all rather tame.  Even the episodic nature of the film wouldn’t have been such an issue had the wife swapping scenes delivered the goods.  Much of the problem has to do with the character of Hal, who is a real lout.  I mean it’s bad enough when he’s too busy banging other broads to save his partner from nearly being raped.  It’s another thing when he tries to get her in the sack later that night. 

The film suffers from a sluggish pace to begin with, but the whole thing stops on a dime when our couple take a break from their undercover work to take in a folk bubblegum combo called The Warmest Spring who sing a total snoozer called “Suddenly, You’ll Find Love”.  It’s not all bad though.  The acid freakout scene where Hal imagines he’s being whipped by a topless cowgirl is kind of fun, although it’s a long time coming.  The underwater photography during the swimming pool scene is very good too. 

The supporting cast is also memorable.  The ladies, including Indecent Desires’ Sharon Kent as a topless cheesecake model, and Monica (The Imp-Probable Mr. Weegee) Davis as a swinging wife, are lovely to look at, which makes up for some of the bumps in the road.  Unholy Matrimony is also notable for featuring actors who went on to have long careers in respectable Hollywood films such as Billy Green Bush, Alan North, and Lane Smith, all of whom appear as swinging husbands.  That doesn’t necessarily make it worth a look though. 

BIG TIT MONASTERY (1995) ****

Whenever I discover an unsung actress of WTF Cinema, I always say things like, “She should’ve been a household name!”  Well, as far as I’m concerned, Mariko Morikawa’s boobs should’ve been a household name.  (Household Boobs.  How’s that for coining a phrase?)  In the case of Mariko Morikawa, when I say, “Household Boobs”, I mean her boobs are as big as a house and I’d really like to hold them. 

If the hype is to be believed, these massive melons are a Q Cup.  The on-screen graphic (which was about the only thing I could read/understand as the copy I saw was Japanese language with Chinese subtitles) purports she has a 124cm bust, which works out to be about 49 inches.  I know Chesty Morgan had a 73-inch bust, but unlike Chesty’s rack, which was a victim to the cruelties of gravity, Morikawa’s are full bodied, robust, and unavoidable.  They’re so huge that I’m telling you now, it’s enough to make the King himself, Russ Meyer, envious. 

Morikawa’s boobs are in the first shot of the movie.  In fact, they ARE the first shot of the movie since that’s the only thing the cameraman could fit into the frame.  They are all oiled up and ready to go.  If you thought the cameraman deserved a medal for getting the entire set of colossal knockers into the frame, wait till you see the freeze frame money shot.  I don’t know the gentleman’s name, but my dude is a consummate professional. 

The next scene has Mariko in a nun’s habit.  Oh yeah, I totally neglected to mention the fact she plays a nun and the movie we are discussing today is called Big Tit Monastery.   Anyway, she stays in the outfit for exactly four seconds before she removes her robe and rubs her humongous hooters against a window, which to me is the very definition of cinema.  I don’t know how they did it, but with the framing and lighting, it actually looks like Mariko is right there rubbing her boobs on your television set.  It feels akin to being in a peepshow booth and the dancer is RIGHT THERE and the only thing separating you is a pane of glass. 

There’s another particularly awe-inspiring shot where her boobs come down at the camera from above and the angle makes it look as if she’s straddling the audience and smothering them with her blessed bosom.  I ask you, where is the 4DX version?

Turns out this was all a dream.  I usually don’t like “It was all a dream” scenes, but I really can’t fault the movie since I’m probably going to be having lots of dreams of Mariko in the near future. 

So, the guy who’s having the big boob nun dreams is this uptight dude who gets all agitated every time he sees or thinks about boobs.  A commuter on a train notices his dilemma and invites him back to his house so he can alleviate his situation by banging his big breasted wife.  Seems like the right course of action if you ask me.  Unfortunately, the visions of the nasty nun continue to haunt our hero. 

One day, a Christian missionary goes door to door to spread the word of God and knocks on his door.  Wouldn’t you know it?  It’s Mariko!  And the word she is spreading today is “Legs”.  Unfortunately, our hero lets his pal from the train bang her first.  Eventually, after a lot of fumbling around, our hero tells Mariko (and I’m paraphrasing here since the version I saw didn’t have English subtitles), “I can’t do it with you unless you dress like a nun.”

Hey, we’ve all been there. 

Fortunately for him and the audience, Mariko is only too happy to oblige, and she shows off her nasty habits (if you’re picking up what I’m putting down).  Then, the movie ends with our hero and his pal having a KY-drenched three-way with Mariko.  Not only does it conclude with the happiest of endings, it also contains what is possibly the finest final freeze frame in motion picture history. 

Oh, I guess I neglected to mention that Mariko Morikawa is only 4’ 11’.  Her diminutive height makes her bombastic bust look even larger.  She may not have the largest on record, but when you look at her boobs (and trust me, I’m looking), in proportion to the rest of her body, it’s just mind boggling. 

Compared to Chesty (the comparisons are unavoidable), whose boobs just seemed anchored down by gravity, Mariko’s astonishingly defies it.  Consider the scene where she is absolutely getting railed and they flop, bounce, and jiggle like an 8.9 on the Richter Scale.  Also, whereas Morgan always seemed disinterested and maybe a little embarrassed on camera, Morikawa is definitely into it, which helps tremendously. 

Since this is a Japanese movie, there is some “fogging” in some scenes where they blur out the naughty bits.  However, director Sachi Hamano cleverly skirts around censorship by having some hot over-the-underwear play and suggestive shots of bodily fluids leaking and/or spurting.  It should be pointed out that Hamada is a woman.  Hollywood keeps saying they need more female directors.  They should give her a call!

One issue I had with the movie is that it’s called Big Tit Monastery, but Mariko only appears in the nun’s habit in a few scenes.  (I concede there may have been something lost in translation somewhere along the way.)  I was kind of hoping there would be a whole convent full of big breasted nuns, but oh well.  With an actress who’s enormously talented like Mariko Morikawa, one big breasted nun is all you need. 

Big Tit Monastery had made me a Mariko Morikawa fan for life.  Mariko is so great in her sex scenes that when it comes to scenes elsewhere in the movie featuring actresses that are, shall we say, of more traditional proportions, they can’t come close to matching her intensity.  That’s okay because you can use these moments to catch your breath, smoke a cigarette, and/or recharge your batteries until the next Mariko scene occurs.  Since many times all that you see in the frame is Mariko’s boobs, I suggest seeing this on the biggest screen possible for maximum effect. 

So, my friends, if WTF Cinema is your religion, then Big Tit Monastery should be the temple you worship. 

AKA:  Big Boobs Monastery.  AKA:  Busty Monastery.  AKA:  Ultra Q-Cup 124cm Sister.  

THE WILD SCENE (1970) **

Dr. Grant (Virigina Nelson) is a psychiatrist who is writing a book about the problems of young people.  Her first case study is of a girl who tried to commit suicide after her father’s death.  Turns out she had the hots for dear old dad and despised her rich bitch of a mother.  The next is about a pair of sisters experimenting with drugs.  Things turn tragic when one of them gets high (in both senses of the word) and plunges to her death.  The third case is a young woman who works as a prostitute “for kicks” that has her doctor father write her and her co-workers prescriptions for the pill.  This is probably the best of the bunch thanks to the twist, but it still isn’t all that great.  The young mistress of a rich guy reveals she’s cheating on him with another woman in the final tale. He eventually gets his kicks by watching them in bed.  Meanwhile, the shrink can’t seem to get a handle on her own rebellious daughter (Anita Eubank) who has fallen in with a no-good louse parading as an activist. 

Directed by William (Black Rebels) Rowland, The Wild Scene is a mixed bag.  The big issue is the structure as the case studies are awkwardly crammed into the narrative featuring the shrink and her daughter.  The point of the structure is to hammer home the idea that will all her degrees and experience, she still can’t help her own kid.  That’s all well and good, but it’s just handled in a clunky manner. 

The previews made it out to be an expose on the happenings of hippie counterculture, but it’s more of a study of the generation gap and the moralistic and cultural divide separating youth from their parents.  While the young people make an occasional good point concerning the differences they have with their parents, most of the time their dialogue scenes just feel like an attempt by the screenwriters to cram in as much hippie jargon as possible.  Although it’s an earnest enough attempt, it often comes off like an After School Special.  It’s also frankly, kind of dull. 

The Wild Scene does have a great acid rock theme song though.  The psychedelic dance party scene with topless dancing, flashing lights, and painted faces is amusing too.  It’s just a shame the print is so jumpy in spots. 

Of all the slang-filled dialogue, my favorite line was, “Love is a bum trip!”

SHOCK! SHOCK! SHOCK! (1987) *** ½

Here’s another flick I remember reading about in the Psychotronic Video Guide back in the day.  It’s a short (under an hour long), low budget, black and white genre mishmash that’s quite inventive and a lot of fun.  There’s enough ingenuity here to put big budget productions to shame.  It definitely deserves a bigger cult following. 

A mental patient named Jim (Brad Isaac) escapes from the nuthouse and steals a car.  He picks up a girl (Cyndy McCrossen) on the road who gives him a mysterious watch.  When she is kidnapped by gangsters, Jim teams up with her scientist father to rescue her.  The bad guys wind up being aliens and Jim becomes a superhero to stop them. 

Shock!  Shock!  Shock! plays like a mix of an old timey Saturday afternoon serial and a flat-out fever dream.  Right from the opening scene that feels like a mash-up of Leave It to Beaver and Halloween, you know you’re in for something fun, and the way it pinballs from one genre to another is a real joy.  (I’ve seen more than one review that compares it to Rat Pfink a Boo Boo.)  There are just too many inspirations to list (the stuff with the scientist plays like an episode of Mr. Wizard), but things really kick into high gear when it becomes a tribute to old Japanese superhero movies.  The cool animated opening title sequence and the bitching surf guitar theme song by The Cyphers are equally impressive. 

The low budget effects (ping pong ball eyeballs, negative scratches death rays, etc.) and decent gore (there’s face ripping and a decapitation) work surprising well and are done in the same spirit as the rest of the movie.  There’s also a pretty cool freakout scene, an awesome stop motion monster, and some truly great dialogue like, “Your human love makes me sick!”

Also, look fast for James Gandolfini making his film debut. 

THE LAST SLUMBER PARTY (1988) *

A psycho escapes the nuthouse disguised as a doctor.  Meanwhile, a bunch of teenage girls celebrate summer vacation by throwing a slumber party.  They drink, party, and invite some guys over for a little hanky-panky.  Naturally, it doesn’t take long before the killer arrives on the scene to crash the party. 

Directed by Steven Tyler (no, not that Steven Tyler), The Last Slumber Party is a lethargic low budget entry in the slasher movie sweepstakes.  It was released in 1988, but it looks a lot older than that.  There are posters of Xanadu, Urban Cowboy, and The Bee Gees in the teenage girl’s bedroom, which suggest it was filmed in 1980 or sometime shortly thereafter.  The film suffers from poor sound and more than a few out of focus shots.   Seriously, you’re going to think the focus puller had glaucoma or something.  If that wasn’t bad enough, the characters are thoroughly annoying and the dialogue is awful.  (Sample lines include, “Cut it out, babe!” and “You stupid bitch!”)

The wild-eyed killer himself had promise as he at least looks the part with his O.R. scrubs, surgical mask, and scalpel.  He’s more effective when he’s lurking in the background than when he attacks though.  It doesn’t help that the gore is weak, and you can sometimes see the fake blood dribbling out of the scalpel before it even touches the victims’ throat.  There’s also a halfway decent twist, but the filmmakers manage to bungle that reveal too. 

The Last Slumber Party is only seventy-one minutes, which seems like a blessing, but trust me when I tell you I’ve watched three-part mini-series that felt shorter than this turd.  The drawn-out nightmare scene that occurs smack dab in the middle of the movie really brings things to a halt.  It also has one of the most tedious Final Girl sequences in horror history and to add insult to injury, just when it should be over, it continues on for another ten minutes, concluding with a thoroughly irritating “It was all a dream!  (Or was it!?!?)” ending. 

In short, don’t watch it at your next slumber party as you may fall asleep before the end credits roll. 

GREEN INFERNO (1988) ** ½

This isn’t the Eli Roth movie, but rather the ‘80s flick he stole the name from.  It was directed by Antonio Climati, who also made Savage Man, Savage Beast.  It was sold in some markets as Cannibal Holocaust 2, even though it features no cannibals or holocausts.  It’s nowhere near as exploitative as that flick and people seem to hate it on general principle, but I didn’t think it was too bad. 

The fractured narrative is the film’s biggest issue.  An expedition goes looking for a missing professor in the South American jungle.  Once there, they stumble upon a village that has been ravaged by gold hunters.  There are also subplots about trapping monkeys and snakes that help pad things out.  Speaking of animals, the film doesn’t have the wanton scenes of animal cruelty as you’d normally see in these kinds of things, although I don’t think anyone would be handing the filmmakers the “No Animals were Harmed in the Making of this Movie” seal of approval anytime soon. 

Despite having its share of problems, Green Inferno is almost always entertaining.  There’s a fun scene in the beginning where the characters steal a plane and taxi it down the highway as puzzled pedestrians look on.  The interview with a head shrinker (who inexplicably has a poster of Paul Newman in his workshop) is pretty amusing too.  There are also frog races, people giving monkeys CPR, maggot eating, and plenty of native nudity.  The most memorable scene comes when a man-eating fish swims up a guy’s ass and a member of the team has to reach in there and pull it out before he gets eaten from the inside out.  Another icky moment finds a gold thief being punished by having a snake bite him on the dick. 

As Jemma, the reporter of the group, May Deseligny has a Tisa Farrow kind of quality about her.  Although this was to be her only role, she is pretty good.  The male characters are pretty bland and interchangeable, but that isn’t really a big deal. 

AKA:  Cannibal Holocaust 2.