THE CONTRACTOR (2022) **

Chris Pine stars as a soldier who gets kicked out of the Army for juicing.  Facing insurmountable debt, he decides the only way he can feed his family is to go to work for Kiefer Sutherland doing shady Black Ops shit.  Well, wouldn’t you know it?  Shit goes down on Pine’s first mission, and he is predictably double-crossed.  He then has to go after the people who set him up and make sure they don’t go after his family either. 

The Contractor reunites the stars of Hell or High Water, Chris Pine and Ben Foster.  That’s about where the comparisons end.  If you go into this expecting a film half as good as that one, you’re going to be severely disappointed. 

Director Tarik Saleh’s motive seems to be take a solemn action movie and dress it up like a dramatic character study.  This works in the first act as this stretch is full of mundane scenes of the hero’s home life that look like they came out of an independent drama.  Sadly, the action scenes are handled in the same mundane manner.  That means they never really heat up or cause your pulse to quicken because they are staged in such a disinterested way. 

The dull scenes of Pine gathering intel, staking out his targets, and getting into fisticuffs and shootouts might’ve worked had they been done with a little bit of style, but the film looks and feels more like a Prime original TV show than a feature.  I appreciate the fact they were trying to do a stripped-down version of a tried-and-true story.  Honestly, unless you have some style or substance to back up the lack of depth, you’re not left with very much I’m afraid. 

Even the script feels like a lukewarm first draft.  The biggest surprise in the third act is that the only surprise they could manage would only surprise someone who’d never seen a movie before.  I’d call it “by the numbers”, but that would be an insult to numbers. 

Pine’s charisma does all the heavy lifting here.  His performance is really the only thing worth a damn in the film.  (Although Foster isn’t bad either.)  When the script, direction, and action are all subpar, he’s pretty much the whole show.  Unless you’re dying to see every movie in his filmography, I’d say this one is easily skippable.  

HOW TO SEDUCE A WOMAN (1974) *

A group of friends sit around a bar and tell a reporter stories of how they used to help their Casanova wannabe pal Luther Lucas (Angus Duncan) score with chicks.  One says she’s Greta Garbo to lure a prospective plaything to a dinner party.  Another gets him set up as a patient of a sexy TV doctor (named “Dr. Sisters”).  Other schemes involve our hero pretending to be gay, posing as an artist, and seducing his uptight secretary who is helping him write a book about his exploits. 

Most of the ploys to land women in bed are sub-sitcom types of scenarios.  Many of them are dire and unfunny, especially the one where Luther pretends to be gay.  Maybe they would’ve been bearable if the segments ran about ten minutes or so, but each one clocks in at about twenty or twenty-five, and they all feel twice that length.  That’s the biggest crime with How to Succeed with Women, the over length.  It’s a dreary one-hundred-and-eight minutes, and it doesn’t even have one and a half laughs. 

It’s also never made clear why our hero’s friends help him in his quest to ensnare unsuspecting dates.  I mean, it’s obvious he needs all the help he can get as he has zero rizz.  It’s just a mystery why everyone in his inner circle devotes so much of their free time to getting this jackass laid.  The framing device is really unnecessary too and only adds to the film’s already ungodly running time.  (The gratuitous “twist” ending also stretches things out even further.)

This might’ve been watchable had they upped the skin quotient, but we have to wait over an hour before we get to the T & A.  Alexandra Hay briefly disrobes as his artist’s model, and Angel Tompkins has a few nip slips as his virginal secretary.  However, this is a mere drop in the entertainment bucket, and it’s a long time coming.  

In short, How to Seduce a Woman will fail to seduce anyone other than die-hard fans of Tompkins. 

THE KING (1968) * ½

Linda is a sexy secretary who allows herself to be seduced by her boss, Miss Turner.  She goes home to her lesbian lover, Mickey who whips her before making love.  They are soon joined by Joan, the third member of their throuple for a three-way.  After a satisfying bout of lesbian sex, the ladies take off for their summer home on Fire Island.  Secretly, Linda wishes her boss would swoop in and rescue her from her dreary existence. 

Written and directed by “Looney Bear” AKA: Jack Bravman, The King begins with a long opening credits sequence of inane slam poetry spoken over photos of naked women.  If this is too much for you to handle, you might want to consider tapping out early as the movie is nothing more than scenes of tepid lesbian action that’s essentially ruined by a never-ending stream of narration.  Much of the narration is unnecessary and/or flat-out annoying.  (Linda says, “Oh, Mickey!” more times during her love scene than Toni Basil.)  This kind of chicanery throws cold water on any chance this thing had of being erotic.  Often, the narration is just describing what you can plainly see with your own two eyes, which renders it superfluous.  It would be one thing if the long scenes of the narrator moaning in ecstasy had been good for a laugh, but it just grates on your nerves.  It’s the cinematic equivalent of trying to sleep in a hotel room while the couple in the next room keep fucking at all hours of the evening. 

The short running time is also a mixed blessing.  Sure, it’s nice that you only have to deal with this monotony for an hour.  The downside, however, is that the ending is so abrupt and unsatisfying that it’s liable to make you furious. 

Bravman went on to direct everything from hardcore XXX movies to Zombie Nightmare starring Adam West. 

DARK DREAMS (1971) **

Dark Dreams begins with a long scene where a narrator relates the history of sorcery and witchcraft to the audience while an old witch whips up a potion.  I hate to break it to you, but this is the best scene in the movie.  That’s especially disappointing considering this is a porno horror flick from the ‘70s. 

Harry Reems and Tina Russell are a couple of newlyweds who get a flat tire on the way to their honeymoon.  They seek shelter at the house of an old lady who invites them inside and immediately spikes their tea.  She then turns into a hot young blonde and seduces Harry while a guy in a black cloak shanghais Tina, takes her upstairs, and prepares her for her wedding night.  That’s just a fancy way of saying he passes her around to different men and women who bang her. 

This is one of those pornos that tries its damnedest to be a “real” movie.  It certainly looks the part as the cinematography is excellent.  That said, the way the filmmakers try to add atmosphere to the proceedings is amateurish at best.  They really overdo it with the slow-motion in some scenes, which was probably to pad out the running time more than anything else.  The “spooky” additions to the soundtrack are often laughable as some of the droning sounds like outtakes from Their Satanic Majesty’s Request.  The distortion on the witch’s chanting also makes her sound like Charlie Brown’s teacher. 

The “movie” itself isn’t very good, and that wouldn’t matter if the porno scenes were hot.  Unfortunately, it takes a good twenty minutes or so before we even get to the fucking.  While there is a handful of sex scenes, it feels like there’s more foreplay than actual penetration in them.  Ultimately, the hardcore inserts are way too brief to make much of a difference one way or another.  It also doesn’t help that the movie just sort of peters out at the end.  The sole redeeming scene features Reems and a Satanic chick playing with whipped cream.  However, the fact that the enchanting Russell is more or less wasted compounds the overall feeling of frustration. 

MITCH’S NEW BOOK—THE VIDEO VACUUM STRIKES BACK!—COMING SOON!

Hey everyone,

I guess you’ve noticed I haven’t been posting a lot lately.  That’s mostly because I have been busy preparing my latest book, The Video Vacuum Strikes Back! for publication.  I am currently in the final proofing stages, and it should be ready to order from Amazon in mid-August.

For those keeping track, this will be my seventh collection of movie reviews.  Strikes Back will contain about 98% brand-new reviews and will complete a loose trilogy that began with The Best (and Worst) of the Video Vacuum and continued with Revenge of the Video Vacuum.  It contains a hodgepodge of reviews featuring actors, directors, and movie franchises that include (and are not limited to) “Rowdy” Roddy Piper, Bill Paxton, Jim Wynorski, Orson Welles, and the films from the Witchcraft and Curse series.

Keep an eye peeled on this space for more updates!

ROCK ‘N’ ROLL #3: SEXY GIRLS, SEXY GUNS (1987) ***

 

Remember the video featuring sexy girls shooting guns that Samuel L. Jackson is watching in Jackie Brown?  I think this is where Quentin Tarantino got the inspiration from.  Heck, this might even be where The Cramps got their inspiration for “Bikini Girls with Machine Guns”. 

Apparently, the first two volumes in the Rock ‘n’ Roll series had men shooting various types of guns.  The filmmakers must’ve got the memo that nobody wanted to see that shit, so they wisely spiced it up by putting hot girls in there instead.  The results are certainly something.  It plays like a mash-up of a bikini video centerfold and gun catalogue. 

The models, we learn, are mostly aspiring actresses and/or college students from the San Diego area.  They merely stand in the middle of the desert while firing a machine gun (along with a slow-motion replay or two) while their narration rattles off the specs of that model of weapon.  Many admit they have never held a gun let alone fired a machine gun before, which leads to some awkward moments. 

First up is Lillian, who wears a pink bikini and fires an MPK.  (“Those Germans really know how to make a machine gun!”)  Rosie wears a gold bikini while shooting an A2K MP5.  Angela appears next in a pink bikini firing the same weapon.  Then it’s Denise (“This tape will make an interesting addition to my resume!”), who wears a ripped T-shirt with leopard print thong while firing an AK-47.  Next, it’s Tani Jo firing a MAC-10 in a pink bikini.  Kathy appears afterwards firing another AK-47 while wearing a weightlifting uniform.  Rhonda is next wearing a red bathing suit and shooting another A2K MP5.  Then, it’s Julie’s turn to shoot an M-16 while wearing a black tank top and polka dot mini-skirt.  A different Kathy is next, appearing in a two-toned bathing suit and shooting an M-14.  Adrianna follows shooting an UZI in a skimpy silver bikini.  Afterwards, Tish, who wears a black bikini top and zebra striped pants, shoots an old school Tommy gun.  Lisa shows up in a lacy black number shooting a H & K G-3.  She’s followed by Ann in a sexy black bikini testing an M-16.  Dottie rounds out the tape wearing a white button up top and matching thong while rattling off an UZI. 

Some may be disappointed that there is no variety here.  The scenes of girls, guns, and factoids are all rather interchangeable.  Then again, when you have girls in bikinis firing machine guns, who needs variety?

DEATHSTALKER (2025) ****

Produced by Slash, of Guns N’ Roses fame, Deathstalker is an update of the Roger Corman classic.  The original was one of the best sword and sorcery movies of the ‘80s.  This one is even better. 

Daniel Bernhardt is the title character, a dashing rogue who scavenges battlefields for loot.  While out foraging, he stumbles upon a cursed amulet (which may have the power to bring about the end of the world) and becomes intertwined with its fate.  With the help of a diminutive wizard (voiced by Patton Oswalt), Deathstalker tries to free himself of the trinket.  Eventually, he says, what the heck, and decides to save the universe. 

They say they don’t make ‘em like they used to.  Director Steven (Leprechaun Returns) Kostanski proves them wrong.  Deathstalker is an unabashed throwback to the glory days of the ‘80s, brimming with practical effects, rubbery monsters, and lots of gore.  There are plenty of nods to the original movies, and even a reference to the immortal Sword and the Sorcerer that I’m sure fans will love. It may be a tad long at one-hundred-and-two minutes but far be it from me to complain about getting too much of a good thing.  

Bernhardt is a lot of fun in the title role.  Early in his career, he sometimes had an awkward screen presence, but that was easy to overlook because his physicality was undeniable.  Now he’s grown in leaps and bounds in front of the camera, and the role of a lovable rake fits him like a glove.  The vocal performance by Oswalt as the wizard Doodad garners plenty of laughs too. 

Some of the rubbery effects are genuinely impressive and others are bad on purpose.  It’s the deadpan acceptance of all the creatures big and small, cheap and (somewhat) expensive that make it work.  The movie doesn’t wink at the camera the way… say… Deathstalker 2 did.  This one has genuine affinity for its inhabitants, which is what makes it special.  Deathstalker’s slavish adherence to ‘80s special effects is endearing enough (I feel obliged to give any movie made in 2025 that features a scene of stop-motion skeleton warriors sword fighting Four Stars on general principles), but the knowing humor and unexpected heart make it a modern classic.