LAST REVENGE OF THE DRAGON (1978) **

A brash Kung Fu fighter can’t wait to step in the ring with the champ (Bolo Yeung), so he mops the floor with him at the press conference for everyone to see.  The embarrassed promoter, who happens to be a feared underworld figure, retaliates by having the fighter’s brother severely beaten.  This sets off a chain of increasingly violent reprisals between the two families.  The families eventually decide to settle the matter with an old school karate match. 

Last Revenge of the Dragon suffers from way too much soap opera drama with our hero’s family.  The brother character alone has one too many subplots as he has a problematic drug habit AND a white girlfriend his family doesn’t approve of.  Either of these subplots would’ve sufficed.  Having both just slows things down.  (If it was the main character who had all that drama going on, I might’ve felt differently.)  On the plus side, the scene where the brother tries to detox from weed is some Reefer Madness type shit. 

It’s a shame the film is overburdened with so much family drama because the fights themselves are pretty decent.  (I liked the scene where the hero’s brother in-law grabs a bat to avenge his disgraced daughter.)  I just don’t think the plot with two rival families lent itself to the Kung Fu genre.  It probably would’ve worked better as a straight gangster picture.  It’s especially a shame that Bolo disappears so early into the film because he’s really the only one in the cast that has an intimidating presence.  

For everything the movie does right, it has at least one lumbering subplot with the family that gets in the way.  The finale where our hero rides his motorcycle into the rival family’s dojo is admittedly cool.  I just wish we didn’t have to sit through the bullshit with his siblings’ out of control gambling, drug addiction, reckless partying, relationship woes, parenting problems, etc. to get to it. 

AKA:  The Big Family.  AKA:  The Godfather’s Kung Fu Family.  AKA:  Wu Tang Gambinos.  AKA:  Last Challenge of the Dragon.

LABYRINTH OF DEATH (1989) ***

Labyrinth of Death is an odd but enormously entertaining horror comedy Kung Fu flick.  It’s apparently a sequel to a movie I’ve never seen called Mystery of Chess Boxing, which is probably why it didn’t make a lot of sense to me.  Fortunately, the filmmakers know that a movie doesn’t have to make sense if the action never lets up.  I can even forgive it for being called Labyrinth of Death even though it doesn’t feature a labyrinth of death.  

Evil King is a big-toothed vampire who goes around attacking people.  He is trapped by a beautiful swordswoman in a cave where she also hides a kind vampire family who are misunderstood by the neighboring village.  Seven hundred years later, a priest accidentally awakens them from their slumber. His granddaughter knows the family aren’t evil and sets out to protect them from both her grandfather and the Evil King. 

One thing is for sure, this flick is never boring as it contains non-stop action.  Usually when I say, “non-stop action”, it’s a generalization, but in Labyrinth of Death there is hardly a single dialogue scene that doesn’t involve fighting or at least vampires hopping around.  The fight scenes are fast paced and frantic and feature some wacky wirework and cheesy choreography.  In fact, the only scene that didn’t feature any Mung Fu is the part where the grandpa plays mahjong with some vampires.  The comedy fights with the little kid vampire are amusing too.  (There’s a scene where he pisses and farts on his attackers.)  The running joke where every time someone accidentally grabs the vampire mom’s boob, her husband hops over and smacks her is a bit weird though. 

The effects are pure cornball, but they add to the goofy vibe.  The colorful lightning, light swords, and glowing crossbows the characters use are definitely low rent, yet they are a lot of fun.  The villain’s lair set is cool too.  The poorly translated subtitles are good for a laugh as well.  My favorite line was, “Unmatured kid!  Try your best power!”

AKA:  Vampire Strikes Back.  AKA:  Chess Boxing Matrix.  AKA:  Chivalric Tornado.  

MONSTER MANIA (1997) ***

Elvira, Mistress of the Dark introduces this hour-long special devoted to classic monster movies.  Jack Palance acts as host (he appears on a colorful mad scientist lab set) and narrates over clips of films from various eras.  While there are some obvious exclusions, they do manage to cover a lot of territory in a short amount of time.  Palance discusses films from the silent era (Thomas Edison’s Frankenstein, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, and Nosferatu), the ‘30s (Dracula, Frankenstein, The Mummy, etc.), the ‘40s (The Wolf Man, Return of the Vampire, The Phantom of the Opera, etc.), the aliens of the ‘50s (It Came from Outer Space, War of the Worlds, Invaders from Mars, etc.), Hammer horror (Horror of Dracula, The Mummy, The Curse of Frankenstein, etc.), the Poe adaptations of the ‘60s (House of Usher, The Pit and the Pendulum, The Masque of the Red Death, etc.), the ‘70’s (The Omega Man, The Exorcist, The Omen, etc.), spoofs (The Phantom of the Paradise, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Young Frankenstein, etc.), Sci-Fi monsters (Alien, Predator, The Fly, etc.), slashers (Halloween, Friday the 13th, and A Nightmare on Elm Street), and the revival of classic monsters from the ‘90s (Bram Stoker’s Dracula, Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein, Wolf, etc.)  There are also segments devoted to Lon Chaney, how television in the ‘50s introduced monster movies to a new generation of fans, and the merchandising of classic movie monsters. 

Originally airing on American Movie Classics (back when they actually showed movies that were American classics), Monster Mania doesn’t exactly break any new ground.  If you’ve seen similar documentaries/clip show packages, you’ll probably be familiar with all the titles being discussed.  They also resort to using clips from trailers to save money.  That’s not the worst thing in the world as the trailers are fairly iconic in their own right (like Bela Lugosi presiding over the preview for Mark of the Vampire).  I did find it odd that they showed clips of Dracula’s Daughter but not Bride of Frankenstein. 

While Monster Mania may be far from the definitive classic horror documentary, it remains a fun trip down memory lane.  Palance’s sincere intonation adds gravitas to the proceedings, although he isn’t above making a quip every now and then.  (Like when he calls The Wolf Man “the scariest and hairiest monster of all time!”)  Besides, I never pass down an opportunity to see Elvira, especially in something like this, even if it’s only briefly. 

DARK MISSION: FLOWERS OF EVIL (1988) **

I watched this movie just because it had Brigitte Lahaie in it, but I had no idea it starred the two Chrises.  Middling cinephiles will probably ask, “Which two Chrises?  Pine?  Evans? Hemsworth?”  The real ones know who I’m talking about… Lee and Mitchum!

Mitchum stars as a CIA agent who is sent by his boss Richard Harrison to find Christopher Lee in South America.  Seems he was a former lieutenant for Castro and has now set himself up as a drug kingpin.  Trouble brews when Mitchum starts romancing Lee’s daughter (Cristina Higueras). 

I know it’s called “Dark” Mission, but why keep the beautiful Brigitte in the shadows for 2/3 of the movie?  She plays Mitchum’s contact who has a knack for remaining cloaked in darkness while delivering her messages.  At least she performs her big dramatic scene while wearing a string bikini.  She also looks the part while playing Rambo in her jungle action scenes, although it’s ultimately too little too late. 

That’s the big issue with the film.  Though the cast is great, the film itself is painfully low on action.  The side jaunt to a mental hospital where Higueras witnesses the impact of drugs on young people firsthand really slows things down to a crawl.  The final battle sequence is also incomprehensibly edited to boot, and the aspect ratio changes in nearly every single shot, which gets annoying.  (It leads me to suspect Franco probably poached the helicopter scenes from another movie.)

As for the two Chrises, Mitchum equips himself as well as could be expected and Lee lends the film a touch of dignity and class it probably didn’t deserve.  Most of the fun comes from seeing the usually reserved Harrison acting up a storm.  He goes hilariously over the top during the scenes where he chews out Mitchum. 

It’s mostly an unruly hodgepodge, but Dark Mission:  Flowers of Evil might make for lightweight, undemanding entertainment for fans of either Chris.  

AKA:  Dark Mission:  Evil Flowers.  AKA:  Dark Mission.  AKA:  Columbian Connection.

TEENAGE TURMOIL VOL. 1 (2000) ***

Something Weird presented this collection of industrial shorts from the ‘50s aimed at and centered around teenagers and prospective juvenile delinquents.  Some of these may be familiar to fans of Mystery Science Theater 3000.  While the shorts themselves vary in entertainment value, you can still get a kick out of the antiquated advice and outdated attitudes. 

“Make Way for Youth” (narrated by Melvyn Douglas) is about a boy who dies in a gang fight.  His father is the editor of the paper and writes an open letter stating that racism and prejudice was the true cause of his son’s death.  The town decides to give the teens their own “youth council” so they can address their issues pertaining to them. 

This one starts out okay, and the delinquent riot is well done.  However, from there it quickly becomes a teenage version of C-SPAN.  I did like the part where they called “an emergency wiener roast meeting”.

“The Cool Hot Rod” has a young hot rodder moving to a small town.  Almost immediately, he gets busted for speeding.  Instead of facing a courtroom of adults, he is sentenced to a traffic school run by other teenagers who enlighten him in the ways of safe driving. 

This one is fairly solid.  Like the last short, it’s set in an odd town where the teens seemingly have as much power and control as the adults.  There are also cameos by racing stars of the day, but I bet you’ve never heard of them. 

“Making the Most of Your Face” follows the exploits of three teenage girls who try to make themselves more presentable.  Their Home Economics teacher (who also acts as narrator) helps them initiate skincare regimens, find hairstyles that complement their face shape, and apply make-up. 

This one is short and sweet and the narration is full of howlers.  I especially liked the blunt way the narrator laid it on the line for poor Mary:  “Mary’s skin needs CARE!”

“What to Do on a Date” finds the shy Nick asking Kay out on a date to a scavenger sale.  Once there, he and his friend try to come up with more places to take his gal. 

Most of the fun from this short comes from what an awfully awkward dullard Nick is.  I also got a big laugh from when he suggested taking Kay to a weenie roast.  Something tells me he’s going to have to wait a long time before Kay will ever look at his weenie, let alone roast it. 

In “What About Juvenile Delinquency”, a boy quits a gang when he learns his fellow members beat up his father.  He is then invited to speak at an emergency meeting about juvenile delinquency. 

This is another one that’s pretty entertaining, mostly because of the contrived plot and maudlin acting.  Add to that the fact that many of the so-called teenagers look about forty, and you have yourself a recipe for cheesy goodness.  Too bad the ending is an open-ended cop-out. 

The next short, “The Show Off” is about Jim, a smart aleck and class clown.  His hijinks soon give the entire junior class a bad rap.  The class representatives are soon tasked with dealing with the situation.  

It’s funny how bent out of shape the adults get when Jim hoists a sign that says, “Yea Juniors”.  Imagine if he did something you know, shocking.  Like the previous short, it all ends with an unsatisfying “what would YOU do?” cop-out, which is disappointing. 

The final filmstrip is “The Innocent Party”.  Don and his pal pass up a chance to see a movie (Rio Bravo) to go out on the town with some girls with loose morals.  Don winds up catching syphilis, much to the horror of his best gal, Betty. 

This is the only color short in the bunch and features a few of the same actors from some of the other shorts.  The adult subject matter also helps make for a good change of pace.  All in all, it’s an entertaining (if downbeat) way to end the compilation. 

I BURN ALL OVER (1979) ***

Brigitte Lahaie and her boyfriend Didier Aubriot go to a disco where he picks up Susan Hemingway.  He takes her back to their hotel where they have a three-way.  Afterwards they knock poor Susan out and sell her into slavery.  When the couple learns Hemingway is the daughter of a millionaire, they set out to re-kidnap her and collect a ransom for themselves. 

Jess Franco’s I Burn All Over isn’t as cheap as some of his other productions.  It does however start off with a memorable cost-cutting move as the opening credits are spoken aloud by narrators with echoed voices.  That way, Franco didn’t have to pay someone to use a title generator.  (Ironically, the trailer is nothing but the title with a narrator speaking over it as no footage from the film is ever shown.)

Your movie doesn’t really need a budget though when you have Brigitte Lahaie.  She looks incredible throughout and delivers a solid performance as well.  Franco is smart enough to know if she has to have a monologue that’s important to the plot, you might as well have her deliver it while totally nude. 

In general, the scenes with Lahaie are the most entertaining, but the sequences with Hemingway in the orgy den have their moments.  The first time she is thrown into the bowels of the slave pit and the drug-addled captives converge on the new recruit to give her a test spin is certainly hot.  There’s also a random scene where a woman bangs her own reflection in the mirror. 

I Burn All Over has a decent twist ending, but I was a little disappointed how Lahaie’s character was so abruptly and unceremoniously removed from the narrative.  That shouldn’t stop the Franco faithful from checking it out though as it has all the obligatory camera zooms of a woman’s crotch you could ask for in an Uncle Jess movie.  Many of the numerous sex scenes flirt with XXX territory too, which doesn’t hurt either. 

It’s Aida (Love Letters of a Portuguese Nun) Vargas as the madam who gets the best line of the movie when describing Hemingway: “Her cunt is like a passion fruit!”

EDGE OF FURY (1978) ***

Bruce Li stars as a chauffeur to a wealthy businessman.  When his employer is executed for drug smuggling, Bruce remains loyal to the family, if only to look after his boss’s young son.  Bruce comes into possession of an amended version of his boss’s will and soon, everyone comes after Bruce trying to get their hands on it. 

Even though Edge of Fury takes place in modern times, its themes of honor and loyalty would feel right at home in a period Kung Fu movie.  I liked how Bruce still had his boss’s back after he went to jail, even if it lost him the respect of the community, who see him as being guilty by association.  You know, resonant thematic material is great and all, but it’s not really worth a whole lot unless Bruce is kicking ass.  I’m happy to report the movie contains plenty of scenes of Li doing just that. 

Most of the fights involve Bruce taking on several henchmen at the same time, including one nicely choreographed sequence atop of a stack of shipping containers.  He also has a memorable brawl when he beats up a gang of thugs for talking shit about his sick mother.  He gives a good performance too (he even cries at one point), which is something I wasn’t expecting.  Heck, even the little kid is amusing.  In most of these things, the child actors act like little brats, but the scene where he catches his stepmom kissing a villain and proceeds to kick their butts is a lot of fun. 

If Edge of Fury has a fault, it’s that the final showdown isn’t quite as exciting as the fight scenes that came before.  It also suffers from an abrupt ending, although you can say that about plenty of other Kung Fu flicks of the era.  Those quibbles aside, this remains one of Li’s best efforts and fans of the man should absolutely check it out. 

AKA:  Hong Kong Connection.