LOLITA VIBRATOR TORTURE (1987) *** ½

A psycho is loose on the streets kidnapping young girls, chaining them up, and torturing them with a battery-operated dingus.  One schoolgirl doesn’t really seem to mind it so much since she already goes around with a vibrator tucked inside her panties to begin with.  She and her captor eventually hit on a plan to kidnap and torture her classmate who is hiding a deep, dark secret. 

If there ever was a title for a movie it’s Lolita Vibrator Torture.  Despite the lurid moniker, it’s probably not as skeevy as you might expect.  It comes from the twisted mind of director Hisayasu (Splatter:  Naked Blood) Sato, so if you’re familiar with his work, you may already have an idea what you signed yourself up for. 

Sato uses a lot of restraint, all things considered.  Often times, it’s what he doesn’t show that is more effective.  (The sounds of the buzzing vibrator leave much to the imagination.)  That’s not to say he won’t pull out all the stops when he has to.  The film is also interesting from a scripting standpoint as the audience’s loyalty slowly shifts in the second half. 

It’s only a little over an hour long, so that doesn’t leave a lot of time for unnecessary subplots or extraneous sequences, which is always appreciated, especially for something like this.  I also liked that for all its griminess and general WTF demeanor, the film is ultimately a parable of a couple who learn to spice up their relationship by implementing marital aids in the bedroom.  Well, that and some grisly murder and stuff, but if watch it, you’ll see what I mean. 

It also manages to be immensely feminist which is something you might not expect from a movie with the words “Lolita”, “Vibrator”, and “Torture” in the title.  I don’t want to spoil anything but trust me on that.  Our heroine’s final words to her captor are quite the feminist rallying cry if I ever did hear one. 

AKA:  Secret Garden.

BIGFOOT EXORCIST (2024) **

When I see a title like Bigfoot Exorcist pop up on Tubi, I’m naturally going to watch it.  With a title like that, the mind reels at the possibilities.  Will this movie be about a Bigfoot who gets possessed and must receive an exorcism?  Or (and potentially more entertaining), is it going to be about a possessed individual who must receive an exorcism, so Bigfoot goes to the seminary, becomes an ordained priest, and then performs an exorcism to save the poor dope’s soul?  

To quote Jules in Pulp Fiction, “Now I like that, but that shit ain’t the truth.”  It’s unfortunately a case of the former.

As you may expect with a movie called Bigfoot Exorcist, it’s pretty uneven.  The opening scene is fun though.  Bigfoot chases a woman through the woods, and the cameraman keeps giving us gratuitous close-ups of her heading bosom.  Bigfoot then rips out her guts, pulls off her arm, and removes her skull.  Another entertaining moment comes when the nun memorably flips off her Mother Superior.  There are, however, inevitable doldrums in between the good stuff. 

Jessa Flux (who you may recognize from the new Up All Night with Rhonda Shear) and her boyfriend are on vacation out in the woods where Bigfoot is supposedly lurking.  As it turns out, the monster is kind of like a wereBigfoot.  As in, a guy who turns into Bigfoot.  (Even though he looks more like an albino alien with alopecia than a Sasquatch.)  When Jessa’s boyfriend gets bitten by the creature, he naturally becomes a Bigfoot too.  A nun tries to perform an exorcism on him and… well… it doesn’t help much. 

Jessa is one of my favorite actresses of the last few years or so, and her appearance in anything is cause for celebration.  Any scene with her is worth watching, but the rest of the movie is patchy at best and dull at worst.  Bigfoot Exorcist was directed by Donald (Red Lips) Farmer, who certainly knows how to film a Bigfoot baby birthing scene.  I just wish the rest of the film was a little more consistent.  (Farmer and Flux also collaborated on Debbie Does Demons, which is much better.)

Jessa naturally gets all the best lines like, “I only drink rose wine because it’s pretty and pink, like me!” and “I ate two lobsters last night and I have to go jog them off!”

STALLONE’S KNOCKOUTS (1990) *** ½

In the ‘80s, it was kind of a trend to cast family members of famous stars in movies just to trade in on their last name.  One of the more memorable instances of this is Frank Stallone, brother of Sylvester.  If you’ve ever sat through one of his movies, then you already know what we’re talking about.  However, did you know that Sly’s mother, Jackie Stallone also had her fifteen minutes of fame riding the coattails of her son’s celebrity status? 

Jackie made a minor splash in the psychic hotline community during the ‘80s as she had a 1-900 number where she read horoscopes and did astrology for people willing to spend $2.99 a minute.  She also appeared as a manager on G.L.O.W., the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling.  This tape is kind of like a spin-off of that, except with boxing (you know, to cash in on her son’s Rocky movies). It actually might be a little bit more unhinged than G.L.O.W., if you can believe it. 

Things begin with Jackie rapping.  Yes, rapping. What more do you need to know?  Go watch it immediately!

Anyway, not only does Jackie rap, but so do her “girls”, AKA:  The boxers in her stable.  Of course, having rapping wrestlers is another holdover from G.L.O.W. but, I mean… some of these lyrics are like… wow.  (Sample lyric:  “I’m a lumberjack with an axe to grind, I’m from up north as you can see, just like the trees, men PINE for me!”)  Oh, and did I mention the rapping takes up the first ten minutes of the tape?  It’s like they were trying to beat Rapper’s Delight for the longest rap song!

The first match is between “The Beastmaster” and “Alexis”, who for one reason or another were not featured in the opening rap song.  Then, it’s “Brooklyn” going up against “Mary Jo” in a catfight, the naughty nurse “Anne Thrax” vs. the female Zorro, “Zorra”, “Valerie” squaring off against “Bambi” (who is actually G.L.O.W. wrestler turned porn star Tiffany Million) in a “Four Corners” match, and “Melanie” duking it out with “Torch”. 

Afterwards, it’s time for “The Great Kung Fu Challenge” where an Asian woman fights a blonde in a karate match with comic “woo” and “waa” sound effects dubbed in.  Honestly, it’s more of a sketch than an actual fight.  (It doesn’t even take place in the same arena as the other matches.)  This is easily the weakest segment of the tape, and you could probably just skip right over it. 

Next, the Colombian smuggler “Cartela” goes toe to toe with beauty pageant queen “Bonnie Sue Ann Betty Jean”.  Finally, we come to the main event, a wrestler vs. boxer match where the southern Marine “Dixie” grapples with the all-American cheerleader “Wendy”.  After a controversial finish, all the fighters converge on the ring, and an all-out clothes-ripping catfight Battle Royale ensues. 

If you were a fan of G.L.O.W., you may remember some of the fighters, although their names have been changed, presumably to avoid a lawsuit.  (For example, “Brooklyn” is actually “Hollywood” from G.L.O.W.)  Like G.L.O.W., there are comedy bits in between the matches.  The jokes are almost always bad and were probably leftover from the Burlesque era, but you probably won’t care. 

Oh, and did I mention none other than Traci Lords herself is the commentator who makes cheeky wisecracks throughout the matches?  And that the referee impersonates several celebrities (including… who else?  Sylvester Stallone!) to try to score a date with her?  What more can you ask for?

Lords also appeared in the similar Foxy Boxing a few years prior. 

AKA:  Stallone’s Knockouts:  A Valentine’s Day Massacre.

ASTRAL LADY (2007) ***

Here’s another GIGA movie.  Like Red Lady, it is an obvious Ultraman clone, except… you know… with bondage and shit.  This one wears its inspiration on its sleeve as it even has an Ultraman-style theme song.  Astral Lady also has a couple of Ultraman’s powers and makes several Ultraman-inspired sound effects.  The red suit looks the same as the one worn in Red Lady too, except this time with a different (and cooler) mask. 

A giant one-eyed monster is attacking the city and Astral Lady shows up to go Mano y Mano with the scaly beast.  Little does she know that aliens are actually studying their fight to learn her weaknesses.  Eventually, the alien leader comes down to Earth and crucifies our heroine in a giant glass cage. 

There’s a little something for everyone in Astral Lady.  Fans of Tokusatsu will love the monster suits and kaiju battles.  Perverts will enjoy the long lingering close-ups of the heroine’s ass as she struggles with the monster.  If the sight of a woman in a latex suit being spanked with a paddle just doesn’t do it for you anymore, maybe you’ll enjoy the scene where a woman in latex is whipped with the tail of a giant monster.  As in Red Lady, there is a scene where the monster salivates all over our heroine, which I’m guessing is the equivalent of a money shot in these kinds of things. 

All in all, Astral Lady is fast moving and fun.  Sprinkled in with all the fetish shit, there’s some legitimately cool stuff here like the scene where Astral Lady detaches her ponytail, turns it into a boomerang, and uses it to decapitate the monster.  You could argue that some of the kaiju wrestling scenes go on a bit long, but if that’s the sole reason that you’re watching it, you’ll probably have zero complaints. 

RED LADY (2007) ** ½

Red Lady is a superheroine in an Ultraman-inspired red skintight latex outfit (although it looked more pink than red on my screen, but that’s just nitpicking) who defends her city from giant monsters.  After making short work of a kaiju (who looks like a mass of melted tires) with her “Red Beam”, another monster (this one a not-bad Godzilla clone) battles Red Lady.  It eventually wears her down enough so that its master can tie her up and give her electroshock torture.  She is finally able to escape, but it soon becomes clear it has all been an elaborate trap to catch Red Lady and violate her. 

Ah yes, it’s been a while since I watched a GIGA movie.  Like W.A.V.E. Productions, these films are more or less bondage movies, but most of the appeal comes less from the act of women in the cast being tied and bound but from seeing them struggling against their (mostly male) aggressors (or in this case, men in monster suits).  What makes GIGA special is their knack for combining BDSM with Saturday morning Tokusatsu style action and monsters. 

Red Lady isn’t nearly as wild and crazy as some of the other GIGA movies I have seen.  It’s not up to the wacky levels of WTF lunacy of the Gigantic Hermaphrodite series, but it still offers a modicum of fun for B-movie fans who think they’ve seen it all.  In fact, it might be a nice starter film for the uninitiated to see if this sort of thing is your cup of tea. 

The model city and the costumes during the giant monster battles are better than you might expect, even if some of the fights tend to get repetitive and/or go on far too long (like the scene with the monster’s tentacle dick).  Also, some of the BDSM stuff kind of fails to titillate, but that may be a matter of personal preference, honestly.  That said, there still is enough here to raise an eyebrow or two.  I’m thinking specifically of the scene where the giant monster uses a telephone pole to shock Red Lady in the ass.  I mean, when’s the last time you saw THAT?  Plus, it’s only about an hour long, so that’s a plus.  I also respect any movie as silly as this one is that has the balls to end on such a downbeat note. 

Oh, and the version I saw actually had subtitles.  Not that we really needed them as the dialogue is quite minimal.  I just thought it was worth mentioning. 

WITCHFINDER (1989) *** ½

Witchfinder is one of the best W.A.V.E. movies I’ve seen so far.  It’s in films like these where you can tell that had he been given a bigger budget, director Gary Whitson could’ve had a decent career working for “The Man”.  Luckily for us, Gary remained fiercely independent and kept making stuff like this in his backyard. 

Pamela Sutch asks Laura Giglio, “Are you aware of the cult murders that occurred over the last decade and a half?”, which prompts a flashback.  Clancey McCauley presides over a Satanic ritual.  One of her frightened followers says, “She’s gonna kill a man!  It was different when it was a chicken or a goat, but this is a real human being!”

Soon after, a killer goes around offing cult members (who proudly wear their “Satan Lives” T-shirts) in the manner befitting a witch.  Women are drowned in a swimming pool, burned at the stake, hung in a barn, and … uh… electrocuted.  Well, I know electricity hadn’t been invented during the time of the Salem Witch Trials, but if it was, you can bet your ass they would’ve used it on witches. 

An interesting wrinkle is that it is the cult members who are the ones being killed.  Usually in these types of things, they are the ones perpetrating the violence.  In Witchfinder, it's the Satanists who are the victims, which I thought was kind of inspired.  The film also has a good twist or two up its sleeve. 

All this adds up to one of W.A.V.E.’s best both in terms of WTF entertainment and as a solid slice of low budget filmmaking.  If you’ve ever been skittish to watch a W.A.V.E. movie because of their reputation, I’d say start with this one.  It’s only an hour long and it zips along at a steady pace.  It also shows that Whitson, who also has a sizable role (and gloriously overacts) had a bit more craftsmanship in him than most people give him credit for.  Don’t worry, there’s still all the chloroforming and bondage scenes you’d expect and/or hope for in a W.A.V.E. movie.  It’s just nice to see him delivering a flick that checks all the boxes. 

HOUSEBOAT HORROR (1989) **

A film crew descends on a small Australian resort town to shoot a rock video at a lake.  They rent a couple of houseboats, dock them at the shore, and begin rocking out.  Little do they know there’s a hideously burned killer lurking in the woods who’s just itching to hack them up. 

Houseboat Horror is a no-budget Australian shot on video slasher flick.  Aussies has been cranking out Ozploitation movies for years, so it’s no surprise they would wet their beak in this sort of thing.  It’s uneven as hell, but it’s really no better or worse than countless similar slashers found on stateside video store shelves at the time.  At least the shot-on-video cinematography is a lot better than most of the stuff you’d see in America. 

The thick accents and poor sound make it hard to hear/understand some of the dialogue and the scenes of the crew members and bandmates dicking around on the boat are kind of hard to sit through.  Also, the shots of the various houseboats out on the water feel like padding.  A lot of screen time is devoted to shots of the killer’s boots as he traipses around the woods too.  All this makes for an awfully sluggish start. 

On the plus side, the skin quotient is decent, and the body count is relatively high, which makes up for some of the film’s more irritating aspects.  Although there are a lot of offscreen kills, the gore still manages to be kind of fun.  We get a stake through the neck, an axe to the head, throat slashing, a horseshoe to the face, a speargun to the stomach, and a pipe through the chest, along with some other assorted stabbings and hackings.  The highlight is a cool scene where a head is split down the middle with a machete. 

The centerpiece music video is appropriately cheesy.   It just falls short of being one of those “so bad it’s good” deals.  The same can be said for the movie.  It is pretty random though.  I mean nothing quite captures the excess of the rock n’ roll lifestyle like… (checks notes) a houseboat.