THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #6: MOMMY (1995) ***

Poor Jessica Ann (Rachel Lemieux). Wherever her Mommy (Patty McCormack) goes, people seem to die.  Parent teacher conference?  Dead teacher.  Walking down the hallways of the school? Dead janitor.  But who do you turn to when you think your own mother is a murderer? 

The big draw for Mommy is seeing The Bad Seed herself, Patty McCormack all grown up and portraying a similarly sinister kind of character.  She really plays it up to the hilt and gets some great lines.  When she comes into the school after hours and the janitor asks if she has permission to be there, she snaps, “I’m a taxpayer!  I don’t need your permission!”  The term “Karen” hadn’t been invented in 1995, but that’s pretty much what she is.  Except… you know… she’s a killer. 

Written and directed by famed crime novelist Max Allan (Road to Perdition) Collins, this is essentially a low rent but entertaining From Hell movie.  It does suffer from a cheap washed-out look, but what it lacks in polish it makes up for in the acting department.  The supporting cast is an odd but eclectic group that includes The Exorcist’s Jason Miller as the detective on the case, Scream Queen Brinke Stevens as Patty’s sister, Star Trek’s Majel Barrett as a teacher, and Mickey Spillane shows up as Patty’s lawyer (he probably did it as a favor to fellow novelist Collins). 

Because Collins is a crime novelist, the film does lean and twist in ways you might not expect.  Also, the narration by Jessica Ann feels like genuine insight into the character instead of merely a way to keep the plot together.  It will never be mistaken for a classic, but Mommy is always a bit better than you might expect.  The drab cinematography aside (not to mention the cheesy comic sans font used for the credits), it’s a relatively (no pun intended) engrossing psycho-thriller. 

Collins, McCormack, and much of the same cast returned two years later for the sequel, Mommy 2:  Mommy’s Day. 

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #5: THE BARN (2017) ***

Josh (Will Stout) and Sam (Mitchell Musolino) grab a bunch of friends and head to a concert on Halloween night.  They stop to party at an abandoned barn that the local legend claims is haunted by a miner, a scarecrow, and a pumpkin man.  Eventually, they learn the legend is indeed very real and they soon find themselves up against three supernatural killers. 

The Barn is a nostalgic throwback to the horror movies of the ‘80s.  It’s set on Halloween night in 1989, and it captures the era with a lot more authenticity than many other similar contemporary horror films.  Sometimes it gets a little bogged down with all the “rules” pertaining to its mythology, but that’s easy to overlook considering the filmmakers wear their inspiration (and heart) on their sleeve and have a genuine appreciation and affection for the genre. 

There’s a million different ways a low-budget production like this can go wrong.  Try to make it campy and it just becomes another disposable sub-Troma movie.  Lean too hard into nostalgia and run the risk of alienating modern audiences.  However, writer/director Justin M. Seaman finds the sweet spot more often than not. 

The impressive body count and generous helping of gore doesn’t hurt either.  The highlight comes when the three killers crash a Halloween Hootenanny and make short work of the attendees.  There’s eyeball popping, heart ripping, gut ripping, and a cool bobbing for apples kill.  Elsewhere there’s arm hacking, severed heads, face ripping, and plenty of slashed throats to go around. 

I haven’t seen Musolino and Stout in anything before, but they are quite good.  Of course, my favorite performance was courtesy of Linnea Quigley.  She plays the town’s religious nut who’s trying to ban Halloween.  I also got a kick out of Ari Lehman (Jason from the original Friday the 13th) as “Dr. Rock”, who’s kind of like a mash-up of TV horror host and MTV VeeJay. 

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #4: BRIDE OF MONSTER MANIA (2000) *** ½

Bride of Monster Mania is the third and final documentary in the Monster Mania series that originally aired on AMC.  Once again, Elvira is our hostess with the mostess.  Unlike the last two entries, she narrates the entire special instead of just appearing for the bookend segments.  It’s only fitting, seeing how this one is a salute to women in horror. 

The first segment is on witches and vampires.  Witches are represented by clips from Haxan, I Married a Witch, Bell, Book, and Candle, and Black Sunday, while Dracula’s Daughter, Blood and Roses, Brides of Dracula, The Vampire Lovers, Lust for a Vampire, Twins of Evil, Countess Dracula, and The Lair of the White Worm take care of the vampires.  Then, it’s on to synthetic women in films such as Metropolis, Bride of Frankenstein, She Demons, Frankenstein’s Daughter, The Brain That Wouldn’t Die, Frankenstein Created Woman, Dr. Jekyll and Sister Hyde, The Stepford Wives, and Species.  The next segment is on possessed and powerful women and includes clips from White Zombie, The Exorcist, Beyond the Door, Carrie, and Cat People.  Finally, we come to women who are truly out of this world with scenes from Cat-Women of the Moon, Devil Girl from Mars, The Astounding She-Monster, Queen of Blood, Alien, Aliens, Alien 3, and Alien:  Resurrection. 

What’s interesting about the final segment is the documentary’s assertion that women were portrayed as a threat to humanity in the films of the ‘50s but when Alien came around, it showed that a woman like Sigourney Weaver could be its savior.  It’s that extra level of insight that makes Bride the best of the Monster Mania specials.  It also helps that some of the interviewees are world-class beauties like Martine Beswick and Ingrid Pitt.  Other interview subjects include women professors who opine that the popularity of female monsters is mostly due to their overtly sexual demeanor. 

I was also pleased that we get a lot more of Elvira this time around.  Her one-liners are pretty funny too.  My favorite jab came when she was talking about “synthetic women” and quipped, “I’m not just talking about collagen and silicone!”

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #3: ATTACK OF THE 50 FT. MONSTER MANIA (1999) ***

Elvira hosts this sequel to the fun documentary/clip show Monster Mania.  Like its predecessor, it originally aired on AMC.  This one, as the title implies, is a salute to giant monster movies.  It’s only an hour long and is a fairly concise history of the subgenre, so fans of monster mashing are likely to enjoy it. 

Narrated by Billy (Lost in Space) Mumy, the special explores early dinosaur films (Gertie the Dinosaur and The Lost World) whose innovations eventually lead to the greatest giant monster movie of all, King Kong.  Other segments are on Atomic Age terrors (like Beginning of the End and Tarantula), giant humans (Dr. Cyclops, War of the Colossal Beast, and Attack of the 50 Ft. Woman), and of course, lots of screen time is devoted to the King of the Monsters himself, Godzilla.  There’s also a bit on British efforts like Gorgo and Konga.  The longest sequence is on Ray Harryhausen’s special effects work for films such as Beast from 20,000 Fathoms, It Came from Beneath the Sea, and 20 Million Miles to Earth. 

This is fun for a while, but by the time the focus shifts to the TV shows of Irwin Allen (Lost in Space, Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea, and Land of the Giants), the documentary starts losing its way.  It also completely glosses over monster movies of the ‘80s (a brief clip of the Alien Queen from Aliens is about all we get) and the then-new ‘90s films like Starship Troopers and Mighty Joe Young don’t get much screen time.  I will give it points for covering a film that is largely ignored in these kinds of documentaries:  Georges Melies’ The Conquest of the Pole, which featured the screen’s very first giant monster (and the first scene of a man getting eaten by a giant monster).

The movies are represented by a good mix of film clips, trailer snippets, and behind the scenes photos.  Interviewees like Donald F. Glut, Bob Burns, and Forrest J. Ackerman lend their expertise and are fun to listen to.  If it wasn’t so rushed near the homestretch, Attack might’ve been better than the original Monster Mania.  As it stands, I’d say they are about even Steven. 

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #2: HOUSE OF EVIL (1972) **

Women are being found murdered with their eyeballs torn out.  Meanwhile, old Boris Karloff calls his relatives together to read his last will and testament.  Inside his crumbling mansion, Boris keeps a collection of his family heirlooms, creepy life-sized toy dolls.  When Boris passes in the night, the family members grow antsy about the fortune.  The toys then come to life and begin killing off the guests. 

House of Evil is one of four movies that Boris made South of the Border for co-directors Jack Hill and Juan Ibanez.  They proved to be his final features.  This one has an “Everything but the Kitchen Sink” approach that grafts a killer toy movie onto the bones of an Old Dark House mystery (with a serial killer subplot in there to boot).  When you’re making a cluster of movies in Hollywood while another crew is adding footage down in Mexico, films like this are bound to be uneven due to their very nature.  Calling this one “uneven” is extremely generous.  It’s not Karloff’s worst by far, but it is definitely pretty rough in places. 

Although House of Evil has enough ideas for four movies, it really is a slapdash affair.  While the set-up is sturdy enough, the seams really start to show as the film drags on.  The ending especially feels piecemeal and the way the various plot threads are brought together is unsatisfying to say the least. 

It’s not all bad news though.  The close-ups of the toys are fairly effective.  There’s one kind of cool scene where the life-sized automaton kills his dance partner.  The cutaways to the exterior of the mansion, which is clearly just a painting, are good for a laugh too.  

Boris is surprisingly spry as the crotchety old man.  He seems invested in the role and because of that, the film has a pulse whenever he’s on screen.  Conversely, the scenes without Karloff drag and suffer from a lot of dull exposition.  It’s in these long stretches where the market value of House of Evil plummets. 

AKA:  Dance of Death.  AKA:  Macabre Serenade.  

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #1: DARK PLACES (1974) ** ½

A looney in an insane asylum kicks off and leaves Robert Hardy his decrepit mansion.  He quickly settles in and plans to spruce the place up.  Meanwhile, a scheming doctor (Christopher Lee) and his sexy sister (Joan Collins) know there’s a bunch of loot stashed somewhere on the grounds.  They plot to sneak around the property and make off with the money.  That might prove difficult seeing how Hardy is slowly slipping in and out of the gruesome memories of the former inhabitant. 

Directed by Don Sharp, Dark Places is a relatively dry British thriller.  While it’s low on chills, it remains watchable throughout.  In fact, the film actually gets better as it goes along and the twist ending is decent enough. 

The reason it works as well as it does is thanks largely to the cast of old pros.  Lee and Collins are quite good as the duo who are trying to pull the wool over Hardy’s eyes.  Although Lee is top billed, his role is mostly a supporting one.  His performance nevertheless is the chief reason to check it out.  Collins is a treat to watch as the seductive maid who easily gets her hooks into Hardy.  Herbert Lom also has a couple of fine moments as Hardy’s lawyer.  Hardy himself manages to surprise while essaying a dual role. 

Sharp does do a good job during the sequences when Hardy begins experiencing flashbacks of the previous owner of the house.  The way he seamlessly weaves the past and present with some simple editing and camerawork is effective.  These sequences kind of hammer home the fact that this is more of a supernaturally tinged soap opera than an out and out horror film.  (Although the final reel has at least one memorable kill.)

In short, Dark Places is one of those “close, but not cigar” kinds of films.  It has many ingredients for a great movie, but it never quite comes together.  It may have worked better at half the length and/or as part of a horror anthology.  Fans of the cast will no doubt be forgiving of its shortcomings. 

FULL METAL NINJA (1989) *** ½

Ah, the ‘80s.  Now that was a decade.  It was a time when distributors could slap the word “Ninja” on a video box and know that at least one poor schmo out there would rent it.  Some companies would even take the word “Ninja” and stick it into a pre-existing title like it was a game of Mad Libs.  Such is the case with Godfrey Ho’s hilariously titled Full Metal Ninja. 

The opening of the film belongs in a constant loop in the MoMA.  Two Ninjas in black try to mug a Ninja in yellow because as we all know, that’s typical Ninja behavior.  Years of training in the art of silent assassination just to shake down a guy for a few bucks. 

Oh, and how do we know these guys are Ninjas?  Because they all wear headbands that read “NINJA”.  Again, warriors who have devoted their lives to lurking in the shadows running around in broad daylight flagrantly advertising they are Ninjas. 

I love it. 

Oh, it gets better.  A Ninja in pink named Leon breaks things up and shoots one of the black Ninjas… with a MUSKET! 

Seriously, cinema peaked the day this was created. 

The lone survivor runs back to his master and says, “He had a gun.  It was the first time I’ve seen one close up and I don’t mind telling you it was a frightening experience!” 

Sprinkled in between these magnificent feats of moviemaking is the “real” plot.  Since this is a Godfrey Ho flick, the “real” plot is just an entirely different movie that producer Joseph Lai bought, dubbed, and added new Ninja footage to.  According to IMDb that film is called (I shit you not) Konan the Barbarian Swordsman.  It’s a period piece about a Mongol swordsman named Eagle looking for the men who murdered his wife.  

It helps enormously that the filler movie is pretty good.  I mean it’s just a series of scenes of our hero encountering the men who killed his wife and cutting them down.  Revenge flicks are pretty hard to screw up, and these guys did a good job all things considered.  I’m sure they had no idea when they were making this that their work would be slapped in the middle of a movie featuring Ninjas in pink sweatsuits. 

The way Ho integrates the two films is often hysterical.  After Eagle ambushes and kills a bunch of highwaymen, the pink Ninja pops out from behind a bush and says, “Hey, swordsman about teaching me some of those moves?”  The tired looking swordsman then relies, “Some other time” and the movie cuts to a new scene. 

The odd thing is you kind of get caught up with Eagle’s quest for revenge as there are a couple of unexpected twists that muddy the waters for him.  I won’t spoil it, but needless to say, this flick probably worked just as good if not better without the new footage of Leon the pink Ninja and his trusty musket.  However, I wouldn’t want to watch it any other way. 

Oh, but I do have to take a Half-Star off the rating since there are no Full Metal Ninjas to be seen.  Heck, I would’ve been happy with a Half Metal Ninja.  Oh well. 

AKA:  Metallic Fury.  AKA:  Konan the Barbarian Swordsman.