THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN PRE-GAME: MONSTERS AND MANIACS (1988) ***

Hosted by Brinke Stevens, Monsters and Maniacs is an entertaining mix of horror documentary and clip show package.  While I don’t think anyone will glean any new information from the film, it remains breezy fun.  

The early going is especially amusing.  I loved how the filmmakers took the nameplates of the various horror stars from old trailers and edited them together to make it look like one big monster line-up in the opening credits.  From there, we get a brief history of vampires in cinema.  From Max Schreck to Bela Lugosi to Christopher Lee.  Then it’s on to Frankenstein.  What better way to follow that than with a segment on Boris Karloff and Bela Lugosi?  The films of the fifties are then featured, and are represented by the likes of The Thing from Another World, It! The Terror from Beyond Space, and Plan 9 from Outer Space.  There’s a segment on future stars getting their start in horror like Dennis Hopper (Queen of Blood), Jack Nicholson (The Little Shop of Horrors), and Steve McQueen (The Blob) too.  Next is a tribute to Hammer with films such as The Curse of Frankenstein, Horror of Dracula, and The Mummy.  Slashers and psychos are given their due in clips from Dementia 13, Alice Sweet Alice, and Blood Frenzy (which conveniently was written by Monsters and Maniacs director Ted Newson).  A look at giant apes (King Kong, Mighty Joe Young, and Konga) and lizards (The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms, The Giant Behemoth, and Godzilla) round out the collection.  There are also bits on Lon Chaney Jr., Abbott and Costello, Peter Lorre, Vincent Price, Herschell Gordon Lewis, and the immortal trailer for Psycho is shown too. 

Most of the clips are taken from trailers, public domain movies, and behind the scenes footage.  Most of this will be familiar to horror fans, but there are some cool bits along the way that aren’t usually featured in these sorts of things like Bela Lugosi putting the bite on poor Betty Boop.  (“You have booped your last boop!”)  The best parts though are the supercuts of similar scenes that are found across the various genres (like the montage of carriage chases involving Dracula).

Brinke is as fine of a hostess as you can expect.  The puns and banter are mostly kept to a minimum (except for the shtick with the guy in the hockey mask) as the focus is mainly on the clips themselves.  However, my favorite quip was “Gorgo was a tale of a mother’s love.  A very big mother with a very big tail!”

YOUNG WARRIORS (1983) ***

After his sister is brutally raped and murdered by a gang of thugs, Kevin (James Van Patten) gets his friends together and says, “Why don’t we go after them ourselves?  We’re not tied up with red tape and dumb fucking laws!”  They turn vigilante and begin riding around the city in their Jeep looking to keep the streets safe.  Needless to say, Kevin’s mom (Lynda Day George) and cop father (Ernest Borgnine) do not approve. 

This is actually a sequel to Malibu High, but the title was changed by distributors Cannon Films to presumably cash in on the success of The Warriors.  I don’t think it had anything to do with Malibu High anyway, since it takes place in college.  The opening crawl says, “These are the graduates of Malibu High and this is their story”, but there’s no linking characters or conjoining plot lines from that film. 

Like Malibu High it jumps from genre to genre on a dime.  It kicks off like your typical Animal House rip-off.  There’s a great opening graduation scene where a teen rides his motorcycle on stage and grabs his diploma.  We also get the standard tropes of frat boys partying, hazing pledges, and playing pranks.  (Pigs are stampeded through a frat house.)  Then in a blink of an eye, it becomes a Death Wish-style revenge flick. 

What’s refreshing about the movie is that Van Patten and his crew aren’t very good at being vigilantes.  They get beat up, arrested, shot, and one of their members even dies before they make a successful bust.  Heck, things get real dark when (Spoiler) the frat’s mascot Butch (Casper the Wonder Dog) gets killed during a raid.  I mean, they even mow down some kids carrying toy guns and they still keep patrolling the streets.  This eventually leads to a downbeat Peckinpah-inspired slow motion shootout with the gang. 

Then things get REAL depressing. 

Writer/director Lawrence D. Foldes also produced Malibu High, but this is very much its own thing.  Maybe he was going for one of those Halloween 3 deals.  Either way you would’ve never guessed it was a sequel anyway. 

What’s impressive about Young Warriors is the way Foldes keeps doubling down on the message that violence isn’t the answer.  You keep waiting for Van Patten and his crew to… you know… get good at their jobs of being Temu Guardian Angels, but it never happens.  If anything, they make the streets a lot more unsafe.  So, that’s intriguing and helps to separate the movie from countless other revenge films. 

The cast is good.  Van Patten is a bit bland, but that suits the character’s sociopathic tendencies.  Borgnine is fun as his exasperated father and George is solid as his grieving wife.  Richard Roundtree is kind of wasted as Borgnine’s partner though, which is the biggest disappointment.  Anne Lockhart is also in there as Van Patten’s girlfriend and Linnea Quigley has a brief nude scene as a girlfriend of one of the other vigilantes. 

AKA:  Malibu High.  AKA:  The Graduates of Malibu High.

EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE! PRESENTS KIDZ KLUB! (2022) ***

The good folks at Everything is Terrible! continue to do the Lord’s work.  Kidz Klub! is an hour-long compilation of the worst of the worst of TV shows, cartoons, PSAs, and movies aimed at kids.  It goes without saying that any compilation of this sort is bound to be uneven, but this one offers up plenty of amusement and lots of hearty chuckles.  Any fan of kiddie show ephemera will undoubtedly get a kick out of it. 

The clips come fast and furious.  Sometimes they appear in a stream of consciousness manner.  Other times they are connected by a loose theme like religion, the internet, the environment, or the police (which was the funniest).  The most entertaining moments occur when the clips are edited together to form sentences and/or conversations, which are usually punctuated with priceless reaction shots from kids, puppets, or creepy adults. 

Most of the material the video culls from comes from kids shows from the ‘90s.  That was a bit after my time, which helped since I had no clue what the hell about 95% of this shit was.  (I still recognized clips from Mac and Me, Cop and a Half, and Mr. Nanny though.)  Perhaps if you were a child of the ‘90s, more of the material will be familiar to you.  Not that it really matters, I guess.  Being blindsided by the wacky make-up, costumes, and puppets is part of the fun.  The number of stars that briefly pop (including Bill Paxton, Paulie Shore, and Kathy Lee Gifford) adds to the “Anything Goes” vibe. 

If there is a fault, it’s that the editing is a bit too rapid fire for its own good in some places.  Sometimes it goes so fast that it’s hard to catch your bearings and/or fully appreciate some of the whacked-out low-budget kiddie content.  That’s a relatively small complaint since Kidz Klub! keeps the laughs coming at a steady clip, which is what really matters in the end.  It will be a real trip for viewers young and old. 

AKA:  Kidz Klub!

SUMMER NIGHT FEVER (1978) *** ½

Given the title, you might think this would be a Saturday Night Fever rip-off, but that’s not really the case.  (It does have just enough disco scenes to stick into a trailer to make it look one though.)  It’s actually a German sex comedy that plays like a prototype for an American Horny Teenager movie.  The most surprising thing about Summer Night Fever is just how good it is. 

Peter (Stephane Hillel) and Freddy (Claude Obalski) take a trip through Europe hoping to score with as many women as possible.  The only problem is that Freddy has to bring his dorky sister Victoria along.  Since she’s played by Olivia Pascal, you know it’s only a matter of time before she loses her glasses and blossoms into a full-blown sexpot.  Anyway, Peter can’t even seem to make it to first base while the nerdy Freddy is scoring left and right.  It takes a while, but Peter eventually comes to his senses and realizes Victoria is the girl for him. 

Sure, the movie has plenty of T & A to go around, but there’s also a sweet coming of age story wrapped in there as well.  So many of these things get so invested in showing skin that they forget to have actual characters we care about.  I’m not saying character development is essential to a Horny Teenager movie.  What I will say is that I gladly tip my hat to the ones who manage to sneak it in there. 

Even the sexy situations the trio find themselves in help to advance the plot and/or their relationships.  (Like when Olivia finds herself aboard a swinger’s yacht.)  Sure, there are some unnecessary detours (like the scene with Gianni Garko as a man who hides under the bed with Freddy when his lover’s husband comes home early), but they still manage to be funny.  Oh, and for whatever reason the filmmakers forgot to dub one part into English, but it sort of adds to the humor of the scene as it features a couple who come back from skinny dipping to find their clothes have been stolen. 

The movie is a great showcase for Pascal.  She has a sweet scene early on where she makes herself pretty for the first time and flushes her retainer down the toilet.  It also helps that she practically spends the last act shirtless. 

The soundtrack is surprisingly good too.  Trans superstar Amanda Lear’s hypnotic “Follow Me” is used effectively during a party scene.  Gerry Rafferty’s “Baker Street” is also heard a couple of times too (long before it was used in Good Will Hunting). 

The best line comes courtesy of Peter when sees Freddy’s math teacher on a topless beach and quips, “I bet she knows how to multiply!” 

AKA:  Disco Summer.  AKA:  Hot Summer Night Fever.

THE PINK CHIQUITAS (1987) **

Frank Stallone stars as a private detective who gets into a shootout with some gangsters in a drive-in.  During the fracas, a meteor lands nearby and several townsfolk go to investigate.  The glowing orb soon takes control of the women in town who strip down to their underwear and run rampant.  There’s only one person who can stop them.  You guessed it.  Frank Stallone. 

I’ve had my jaw left agape during many a B-Picture in my time, but my jaw dropped so much during this flick that I got dry mouth.  That sounds like a rave review for someone who likes bad movies.  However, The Pink Chiquitas is kind of frustrating as it bobs and weaves from “So Bad it’s Good" to “So Bad it’s Painful” on a dime.  (Sometimes it happens during the same scene, which is quite a feat.)  A lot of that has to do with the premise, which is a mishmash of ‘40s detective and ‘50s Sci-Fi cliches.  I mean, it was bound to be uneven, but man…  This one will have you shaking your head in disbelief at several junctures. 

The good news is that Frank Stallone is kind of great in this.  The early scenes of the movie in which he picks up a sexy hitchhiker and gets into the shootout at the drive-in are pretty fun.  Once the meteor crashes though, it gets increasingly spotty.  That said, Frank still gets a funny scene where he’s fishing, and he gets pulled off the dock by the fish.  It’s like a live-action Looney Tunes movie or something. 

I think part of the problem is that there are just too many characters that crowd the movie.  Whenever Frank is offscreen, the film really suffers.  The annoying weatherman character is particularly grating and the subplot about a local election just feels like filler.  I think the PG-13 rating was another detriment.  I can’t say the movie would’ve been better had the meteor-controlled women been topless instead of wearing lingerie, but… Ah, who am I kidding?  It would’ve been a lot better. 

As someone who unironically loves “Far from Over”, I have to say the songs Frank contributed to the soundtrack were just OK.  I know they all can’t be bangers, but still.  I'm sure The Pink Chiquitas didn’t set Frank’s acting career on fire the way he had probably hoped.  If anything, Frank can take comfort in the fact that it’s funnier than his brother Sly’s Stop!  Or My Mom Will Shoot. 

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN PRE-GAME: THE BRIDE! (2026) **

After a hundred years of loneliness, Frankenstein’s monster (Christian Bale) turns to a mad scientist (Annette Bening) in Chicago to create a mate (Jessie Buckley) for him.  After murdering some schmoes in self-defense, they go on the lam.  A pair of detectives played by Peter Sarsgaard and Penelope Cruz follow in hot pursuit.  Eventually, the duo becomes a sort of an undead version of Bonnie and Clyde. 

Written and directed by Maggie Gyllenhaal, The Bride! is a kooky but unsuccessful attempt to modernize the Frankenstein premise with contemporary mores inside of a gangster setting.  I think the problem has more to do with the script than the direction as Gyllenhaal manages to carve out a few memorable sequences within the middle section of the movie.  It’s just that some of the choices that were made are just… oof.

You know you’re in for it though as soon as you see the inexplicably awful prologue featuring Buckley as Mary Shelley (a nod to the 1935 original).  The Bride herself ain’t much to write home about.  With her schizophrenic nature and unruly behavior, this Bride seems to be an attempt by Gyllenhaal to confound expectations of the audience (mostly the males) about how the Bride should look/act.  Or maybe she was trying to give a voice to the original creators who have to suffer through awful Hollywood versions of their character that they never intended.  Whatever the reason, it just doesn’t work.  I can’t exactly fault Buckley as she was just following the script, but the shtick of her going back and forth between the Bride and Shelley’s voice gets tiresome almost immediately.  The subplot where women start cosplaying as the Bride and committing crimes is pretty dumb too.  The fact that the cast is largely comprised of actors who are related to or had previously worked with Gyllenhaal is the tip-off they probably didn’t even read the script and just signed on as a favor. 

Still, there are some nice moments here, most of which come from Bale.  He’s one of our greatest living actors and the prospect of him playing one of the screen’s coolest characters is certainly promising.  I’d say he more or less delivers what you would expect and/or hope for.  Jake Gyllenhaal is also a hoot as a Fred Astaire style movie star that the monster is obsessed with.  I also liked the scene where the monsters are ran out of a theater showing White Zombie (in 3-D).  I wasn’t expecting the tribute to Young Frankenstein either, which was fun. 

Ultimately, The Bride! never really earns its exclamation mark.  You can tell it has an anarchist spirit, but it doesn’t always know how to channel it.  Frankly, it’s a fucking mess.  If it had been a hot mess or even a mildly entertaining one, it might’ve been worth a look.  It’s just that the sparks the title character creates are few and far between. 

BEAVER AND BUTTFACE (1995) **

This is a hit and miss porno parody of Beavis and Butt-Head.  Buck Adams (who directed) is Beaver.  Tony Tedeschi (who wrote) is Buttface.  They go to college and try to score with chicks.  That’s about it as far as plot.

The best part is when Buttface bangs a hot foreign exchange student played by Rebecca Lord in the girls’ locker room.  The rest of the XXX action is pretty ho-hum though.  It doesn’t help that the make-up to make the leads look like cartoons is kind of horrifying.  (They resemble burn victims.)  Because of that, you might have trouble getting in the mood while watching this one.  (Of the two, Beaver looks closest to his cartoon counterpart.)

The most memorable aspect of the film is that the actors stand in front of green-screened hand-drawn backgrounds to approximate the look of the show.  It’s more successful than you might expect too.  Like the show, Beaver and Buttface sit on the couch and watch TV, but since this is a hardcore parody, they make fun of porn clips instead of music videos.  In one scene, Beaver and Buttface make fun of a porno starring Adams and Tedeschi (a XXX gladiator flick called “Done-Her”), which gives it a meta kind of quality.  It’s not exactly laugh out loud funny, but they at least put in some effort into it. 

There’s even a scene where Beaver puts his shirt over his head and imitates Cornholio, except he’s “Suckholio” and demands a blowjob.  Now, I’m no member of the National Lampoon or anything, but wouldn’t it have been funnier if he was Cornholio and wanted the girl’s cornhole?  It especially feels like a missed opportunity, given the fact that he bangs the next chick in the butt.  (Although Buck only lasts about a minute in there, so the whole thing ends kind of abruptly.)

Oh, and one part has a warning that the following sequence had to be edited out.  I’m not sure what that was all about.  Maybe they found out one of the girls wasn’t of legal age.  Or maybe the footage got accidentally erased.  It just seems odd to toss it in there. 

Adams also plays the gym teacher.