THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN PRE-GAME: STANLEY (1972) ) ** ½

I reviewed this a long time ago back when I had a fanzine.  I first saw it on one of those old “Horrible Horror” DVD collections of Crown International movies that Rhino put out.  I apparently gave it One Star and called it an “ecological yawnfest”.  I think I must’ve only given it such a low rating because it just didn’t stack up next to the likes of Horror High, Point of Terror, and Don’t Answer the Phone.  I watched it again recently and although it’s far from perfect, I didn’t mind it too much this time around. 

Yes, it’s Willard with snakes.  That is both a feature and a bug.  If that’s exactly what you want from a ‘70s revenge/horror/When Animals Attack movie, then it should fit the bill.  However, the problem really lies with the third act when it tries to turn our hero into a villain.  Willard also had the same problem in the third act.  Only here, the main characters’ switch is much more contrived.  It just feels out of step with the rest of the movie and lands kind of wobbly. 

The snake attack scenes work though, which will be the main draw for most people.  The scenes of Chris Robinson taunting his victims with his pet snake Stanley before ordering it to strike are fun.  The highlight is the great freeze-frame moment when the Big Bad Alex (The Godfather) Rocco (who is clearly having fun chewing the scenery) jumps off a diving board and into a swimming pool full of snakes.  It’s a real audience pleaser, and if the movie ended here, it easily would’ve received three stars.  Sadly, it plods on for another fifteen minutes. 

Director William Grefe basically remade this a few years later as Mako:  Jaws of Death but swapped out the snakes for sharks. 

AKA:  Snakes.

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN PRE-GAME: THE SHROUDS (2025) ** ½

Vincent Cassel stars as a grieving widower who invents technology that allows family members to watch their loved ones decompose as they lie in their grave.  If that doesn’t sound like an idea for a David Cronenberg movie, I don’t know what does.  Naturally, he uses the tech often as he obviously has trouble letting go of his dead wife.  When vandals desecrate her grave, Cassel teams up with his brother in-law (Guy Pearce) to find the culprits. 

Cassel, with his gaunt appearance, steely eyes, and slicked back gray hair, kind of looks like Cronenberg if you squint hard enough.  He commands the screen with his soft-spoken charisma.  He also has a lot of chemistry with Pearce, who is entertaining as a kooky techie.  Diane Krueger is quite good too as Pearce’s ex-wife, who kind of has a thing for Cassel. 

Perhaps sensing that the slim premise would not fill a two-hour movie, Cronenberg instead uses it as a jumping off point as he spins the plot off into a Phillip K. Dick sort of tech noir detective story.  While initially intriguing, he just can’t really sustain the tension throughout the entire picture.  It’s watchable, sure, but overall, it’s pretty low key and is sorely missing the visceral impact of Cronenberg’s best work.  All the stuff with the international high tech graveyard espionage, while novel, doesn’t exactly land either.  However, die-hard Cronenberg fans will recognize passages like that to be a feature and not a bug. 

The Shrouds works best as a somber and depressing examination of grief.  I guess the best description of it is misery porn.  In fact, it contains a scene where two lonely people fuck and use dead relatives and medical procedures as part of their dirty talk during the act.  It’s almost enough to make the sex scenes in Crash seem quaint. 

COYOTE VS. ACME (2026) *** ½

Well, it’s finally here.  The movie they tried to bury at long last has its day in court.  And the verdict is… it’s pretty damned funny. 

Coyote vs. ACME famously was about to be given the Batgirl treatment by Warner Bros. and shelved so those Hollywood studio fat cats could give themselves a nice little tax write-off.  Fortunately for Looney Tunes fans everywhere, terrific word of mouth was able to save it from being locked away in a studio vault (or worse).  Ketchup Entertainment (who also released the fun Looney Tunes flick, The Day the Earth Blew Up) came to the rescue and gave the film a proper theatrical release.   

The story has an irresistible hook.  After decades of being blown up, incinerated, and flattened by faulty ACME products, Wile E. Coyote decides to sue the company.  He hires an ambulance chasing shyster (Will Forte) to take his case, and they eventually discover something more sinister is afoot. 

The obvious comparison is Who Framed Roger Rabbit, but this is very much its own thing.  It’s a sweet-natured (but totally Looney Tunes to the core) underdog story about a David and Goliath legal battle… but… you know… with rocket boots.  Even though it’s essentially a big Road Runner cartoon, it actually manages to have some unexpected heart in there too. 

Of course, since it’s Looney Tunes, it’s also very funny.  The most pleasantly surprising thing is that the filmmakers don’t try to update the characters.  They remain true to their origins and because of that, score some big laughs.  There are also a number of great cameos by some of your favorite Looney Tunes characters too, so keep your eyes peeled. 

In short, it’s hard to understand why a studio would try to bury this movie.  I could see if it was an insufferable piece of dog shit, but this is a genuinely entertaining film that honors the legacy of its universally beloved characters.  Perhaps the film’s anti-corporation sentiment hit a little close to home for the studio.  Still, the fact that this got released is proof that sometimes, even in a real-life David and Goliath situation, the good guys can win.  

FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA’S MEGALOPOLIS: A FABLE (2024) ½ *

Megalopolis was in Development Hell for what seemed like forever.  To fund his $120 million dream project, writer/director Francis Ford Coppola used the proceeds from decades of selling his Coppola brand of wine.  You may need to consume every bottle he sold just to sit all the way through it. 

I guess this is his latest vintage:  Pretentious Swill.

Coppola may have poured millions into this thing, but it looks and feels cheap.  Sometimes it plays like his attempt to make a star-studded variation of The Room.  At least The Room was entertaining.  This is just nothing but empty ego-stroking madness.  

It makes Jack look like The Godfather Part II.  

It’s sad seeing so many great actors so thoroughly wasted.  You feel bad for most of them.  They’re forced to stand in front of a greenscreen while spouting ridiculous dialogue and doing inexplicable things.  I mean Adam Driver’s first big scene has him delivering Hamlet’s “To Be or Not to Be” soliloquy.  No, seriously.  Sometimes the actors seem lost mid-scene or even unsure about whatever the hell it is they’re saying. 

People love to talk about directors taking “big swings”.  Most of the time, the analogy means they’re swinging for the fences in hopes of a home run.  Coppola seems to be swinging at a piñata full of shit. 

The plot follows an architect named Cesar (Driver) who has the power to stop time.  He’s at odds with the mayor of New Rome (Giancarlo Esposito) who may have also had a hand in Cesar’s wife’s death.  When the mayor’s daughter (Nathalie Emmanuel) defies her father and begins a relationship with Cesar, it sets the stage for… something. 

Despite sinking untold millions of his own money into the movie, you’d think Coppola would’ve had more to show for his efforts.  Even with a huge price tag, the film features some of the worst looking greenscreen effects and CGI I’ve seen in a major production.  Maybe it was done on purpose to give the film a bizarre quality.  I’d like to think that.  If only out of respect for the man who made some of the best films of all time. 

The amalgam of modern-day New York and Ancient Rome is hokey at best and flat-out stupid at worst.  (Chariot races are held at Madison Square Garden.)  I know Coppola is trying to draw comparisons to the fall of Rome and today’s political climate in America.  I also know he is proud of his Italian American heritage, so maybe that’s why he’s combined the two. However, it’s just fucking goofy. 

Even while I feel sorry for most of the performers in this, I have to say the acting is horrendous pretty much across the board.  Driver is particularly bad as he resembles a petulant child throughout.  The scene where he shouts, “No, no, no” has some real Ryan O’Neal in Tough Guys Don’t Dance energy, but it’s not nearly as amusing.  You know you’re in trouble when Shia LaBeouf of all people gives the best performance. 

Many people have told me I need to see Mike Figgis’ documentary of the film. MegaDoc to fully appreciate the movie.  I might get around to it at some point.  Till then, this is Megalopol-ASS. 

AKA:  Megalopolis.

EUROPE IN THE RAW (1963) ***

Russ Meyer directed this semi-comical expose on the sexual mores of Europe.  Utilizing a “Hidden Camera” gimmick, he goes from country to country investigating the local strip clubs and red-light districts.  It’s all as phony as a three-dollar bill, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t fun. 

First up is Brussels where a dynamite redhead dances topless for the camera.  Then we’re off to Amsterdam to see the sex workers who ply their trade in open windows.  (“Amsterdam is the most prostitute-infested Dutch city!”)  In Copenhagen, a blonde named Greta jiggles topless on stage.  Hamburg features a cute blonde doing a striptease on a bed.  Our European vacation finally comes to a close in Paris where we take a trip to the world famous Crazy Horse strip club. 

Part travelogue, part pseudo-mondo movie, all skin flick, Europe in the Raw is an entertaining slice of sexploitation.  It’s also surprisingly funny.  Most filmmakers would take this sort of set-up and use it merely as a framework to showcase skin.  Well, Meyer does that too, but he’s also able to inject it with plenty of humor.  I especially liked the cheeky close-ups of suggestive European traffic signs and humorous sounding town names.  (Like Badgasse.)  My favorite part was the trip inside a Dutch nudist camp where a woman plays ping pong wearing nothing but wooden clogs. 

Overall, I think I enjoyed the strip club sequences slightly more than the “hidden camera” stuff, but it’s all pretty amusing.  Also, some of the historical factoids that accompany the scenes of European city life are dragged out a bit too long and other moments just sort of feel like padding (like the comic relief gondola ride).  That said, at sixty-six minutes, Europe in the Raw still makes for breezy cheesecake entertainment. 

Meyer reused some of the footage for Mondo Topless. 

EROTICA (1961) ***

The legendary Russ Meyer directed this collection of Nudie-Cutie vignettes.  Like most anthologies, the results are uneven more often than not, but when it hits the sweet spot of cheesecake cover girls and lightweight humor, it works.  Things kick off with an amusing 2 ½ minute film school of how to make your own movie that ends with the announcer stating proudly:  “This film was made by adults for ADULTS!”  Then the segments begin. 

“Naked Innocence” (****) has a blonde wandering through the woods until she comes upon a stream where she stops to sunbathe and eventually skinny dip.  There isn’t much to this scene, but the part where our heroine strips down and changes into her bathing suit only to take it off seconds later is what certain highly knowledgeable film scholars would describe as “awesome”.  This sequence gets bonus points for not having any superfluous comedy bits.  (More on that later.)

“Beauties, Bubbles and H2O” (***) is next.  Three brunettes hop into a swimming pool and lather each other with soap and sponges.  The shots of gorgeous gals bathing in their birthday suits are just dandy.  However, the thing that brings this segment down a notch is the unfunny comic relief narration by a plumber who rattles off bathing-related history, statistics, and minutia.  Since it’s all beautifully photographed and the ladies look fantastic, it’s a relatively minor quibble in the long run.  I just can’t help but think Meyer would’ve been better off with just some classical music in the background or something. 

After that, we have “The Bare and the Bear” (**).  A busty redhead in a fur coat rolls around on a beach while a narrator talks about trying to sell bear skins.  Every now and then the action cuts away to some bears in a zoo somewhere.  Despite the model being drop dead gorgeous, there’s very little here to recommend.  This sequence almost feels like a leftover nudie reel that Russ added nature footage to.  The silly narration doesn’t help much either. 

That’s followed by “Nudists on the High Seas!” (***).  Three gal pals go out sailing together.  They lounge topless topside and generally enjoy their day at sea.  Like the other segments, Nudists on the High Seas! suffers from unfunny comic relief narration.  (This one features a biography of the ship’s captain.)  That said, this is a decent slice of cheesecake filmmaking hallmarked by great cinematography and lovely models.  I just wish the “skin diving” bit was longer. 

Then it’s time for “The Nymphs” (** ½).  A blonde and a brunette change out of their evening gowns, bathe, and then go for a swim.  The joke in this one is that the filmmakers accidentally use the wrong soundtrack, so that the narration doesn’t match the action on screen.  While this is sort of funny, it ultimately comes at the expense of the models. 

“Bikini Busters!” (***) is our final sequence, and it offers up a loose history of the bathing suit throughout the ages.  From Eve’s fig leaf to cave girl loincloths to the bikinis of the ‘50s.  This segment is the most successful in terms of blending the comedy with nudity.  Some of the silent movie shtick doesn’t work, but the narration is better than the previous sequences. 

Overall, the spotty narration is the only drawback here.  If you just turn the sound off, you’ll be in for a real treat as Meyer’s penchant for photographing beautiful women is on full display.  If he had shit-canned the comedy, Erotica would’ve truly been erotic. 

AKA:  Eroticon.  

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN PRE-GAME: A WET DREAM ON ELM STREET (2011) **

Many teenage girls from a small town have been left comatose and trapped in a state of perpetual orgasm.  Three women who miraculously hadn’t met such a fate attend their two-year high school reunion where their professor (Tommy Pistol) tells them the story of Freddy (Anthony Rosano).  Seems he was a sex toy salesman who was burned alive by angry customers.  He then got his revenge by using a glove equipped with dildo fingers to ravage women in their sleep.  Before long, Freddy comes after our three heroines. 

If you’re wondering what kind of high school A) has a two-year reunion or B) has professors and not teachers, then this porn parody of A Nightmare on Elm Street probably isn’t for you.  Not that dumb plot details in a porno matter, but it just goes to show how little thought was put into this thing.  It’s especially disappointing since the film doesn’t even attempt to recreate any scenes/moments from the original movies (or even the remake, which is what it was cashing in on). 

I guess that wouldn’t be a big issue if the sex scenes were hot.  I guess they are okay, but nearly all of them run on a bit long, suffer from repetitive positions and scenarios (there’s a lot of tit fucking if that’s your sort of thing), and are frankly, kind of vanilla.  The ladies in the cast, including Angela White, Gracie Glam, and Sophie Dee are sexy, sure.  I just don’t think anyone will mistake this movie for their finest hour. 

Freddy’s wisecracks aren’t especially funny, which is another debit.  I will say that some of the dialogue is so dumb that it’s good for an unintentional chuckle.  My favorite line was, “She’s getting fingered into unconsciousness!”

As a fan of horror movies and porn parodies in general, I’m glad this exists.  Do I wish they put more thought into it?  Yes.  Do I wish it was funnier?  Absolutely.  That said, you can’t title your movie A Wet Dream on Elm Street and not expect me to watch it, regardless of whether it’s “good” or not.