BLACK SNAKE (1973) ** ½

Black Snake isn’t the first, last, best, or worst exploitation flick about the evils of slavery, but it is the only one directed by Russ Meyer. 

The whip-wielding Lady Susan (Anouska Hempel) lords over a Caribbean plantation where the slaves are brutally mistreated.  Meanwhile, Sir Charles (David Warbeck) believes Susan murdered his brother, so he travels to the plantation from England to seek revenge.  He soon however finds himself in the middle of a deadly slave revolt. 

Russ Meyer’s Black Snake works better as a slave exploitation movie than as a work of one of the great masters of skin cinema, even if his fingerprints are all over the material.  The story is given somewhat of a boost thanks to Meyer’s trademark punchy editing and camerawork.  It’s just that his distinctive style can only carry the picture but so far. 

Another Meyer hallmark is the powerful female character in Lady Susan.  Hempel cuts a memorable figure dressed like a female Zorro and wielding a deadly whip.  You just sort of wish she inhabited a better film. 

While Black Snake isn’t necessarily “bad”, it’s frustratingly misguided and uneven.  There are some gruesome bits here as Meyer offers up plenty of whippings, a crucifixion, and even a shark attack.  A few moments flirt with the horror genre too.  (Hempel’s ghastly discovery in a bathtub would look at home in a Mario Bava picture.)   Meyer’s usual brand of cheeky humor, although somewhat muted compared to his other work, runs against the grain of the harsh and cruel depiction of the barbarism of slavery.  (Although the scene where the slave driver begs for his life and comically winds up putting his foot in his mouth is pretty funny.) 

As uneven as Black Snake is, there’s plenty to like about it.  We get some T & A, courtesy of Anouska, but not nearly as much of you might expect, especially coming from Meyer.  It’s the general air of unpleasantness that lingers over the proceedings that knocks it down a notch.  It also means this will probably be the least rewatched film in Meyer’s oeuvre for fans of the director.  (The Seven Minutes notwithstanding.)

AKA:  Sweet Suzy.  AKA:  Slaves.  AKA:  Black Snake:  The Whip.  AKA:  Duchess of Doom.

DANCE OR DIE (1987) ***

Jason (Roy Kieffer) is a dance instructor who comes home to find his coke dealer roommate murdered.  Soon after, he begins receiving threatening phone calls demanding he hand over a bunch of drugs, which he clearly doesn’t have.  Adding to his woes is the fact that he’s a recovering addict, and all this business with drugs might push him back into using again. 

Speaking of drugs, you’ll probably be wondering what kind of drugs the filmmakers were on.  This is one nutty flick.  

Directed by Richard W. (Ring of Fire) Munchkin, Dance or Die was an early effort from the legendary direct to video producing duo of Richard Pepin and Joespeh Merhi.  It’s an oddball mix of dancing and action that doesn’t always work, but when it does find the sweet spot, the results can be jaw dropping.  The opening does for ballet what Breakin’ did for breakdancing.  That is to say, it’s fucking hilarious.  Even the cheesy Meet Cute in a grocery store contains a genuine laugh or two.  

Then there’s the hilarious dream scenes.  One looks like a cross between a heavy metal music video and a community theater version of Cats.  Another resembles a fever dream mash-up of an Easyriders Video Magazine mixed with a Skinamax flick.  I also got a kick out of the subplot where our hero turns to a psychic friend to find the missing coke.  (I wouldn’t dream of spoiling where they find it.)  Moments like these make Dance or Die a B-Movie fan’s dream. 

The action is okay too, although there’s not quite enough of it to really satisfy DTV action fans.  It’s those nutty dream sequences that make Dance or Die so memorable.  The druggie drama is fine and all, but the subplot about our hero going to Narcotic Anonymous meetings ground it in a reality that’s not nearly as fun as the cartoonish world that the campy dance routines inhabit.  These scenes of our hero wrestling with his addiction are easily the weakest aspects of the film and really prevent the movie from attaining legendary status.  The finale, which intercuts a cheesy choreographed dance routine with low rent shootouts and action is pure bliss though. 

ICE CREAM MAN (2026) ****

A week or so before Eli Roth’s Ice Cream Man came out, my feed was inundated with videos of Gen Z YouTubers (none of whom I follow, mind you) holding tiny microphones and aggressively clutching their pearls as they condemned the film for having the audacity to (checks notes)… contain politically incorrect humor?  They were also shocked (SHOCKED!  I tell you!) by the extreme gore, mostly done by zombified children.  It’s almost as if none of these bozos had ever seen The Children, Who Can Kill a Child?, or Cooties. 

Well, forget those weenies.  I’m here to tell you Ice Cream Man is another bonafide classic from Roth.  It’s a fun, gory, and mean-spirited romp that plays like a Troma movie on steroids.  It’s a lot better than that Weapons crap, I’ll tell you that. 

The plot has a creepy ice cream man (Ari Millen) coming into a small town and handing out ice cream to all the kids.  Before long, the ice cream turns the children into kill-crazy brats that brutally murder all the adults in town.  It’s then up to the last surviving normal kids to stop the ice cream man’s reign of terror. 

Like most of Roth’s work, the film is full of black humor, gory goodness, and scenes of awful people getting their just desserts.  (I’m allowing myself only one ice cream pun in this review.)  Some of the juicy highlights include the kids using an ice cream scoop to dole out their principal’s brains, turning a teacher into a human version of the Operation board game, and a standout death involving a microscope.  While the flick coasts on the copious gore, Roth (who is also hilarious as the father of our hero, who makes an unending stream of dad jokes) also delivers a few well-edited sequences, my favorite being a terrific nod to The Birds.  I also got a kick out of the scene where a priest tells our heroes the overly complicated way the title character must be dispatched, which plays like a parody of the cheesy lore usually found in horror films. 

However, the best part was the attached preview for Roth’s next film, a collaboration with Snoop Dogg called Don’t Go in That House, Bitch! that ranks right up there with his original Thanksgiving trailer. 

If Ice Cream Man has a flaw, it’s that it might not be as polished as Thanksgiving (the movie, not the trailer).  Time will only tell if it has the replay value of Roth’s Green Inferno or Cabin Fever. I guess when you’re the 21st century GOAT of horror, your only competition is yourself. 

COFFIN JOE’S VISIONS OF TERROR (1994) *** ½

This trailer compilation from Something Weird Video is devoted to the films of the legendary Jose Mojica Marins and his immortal creation, Coffin Joe.  Things kick off with an incredible trailer for At Midnight I’ll Take Your Soul.  From there, it doesn’t look back.   

The most interesting part is seeing trailers for Marins’ non-Coffin Joe films, many of which I’ve never even heard of like Sex and Blood in the Trail of the Treasure, which looks like your standard jungle expedition movie... but… you know… with sex and blood.  The Prophet of Hunger (which was not directed by Marins) finds him playing a character who looks kind of similar to Finis Hominis.  Women of the Violent Sex looks like a badass sleazy crime thriller.  There’s also a sex comedy called The Woman Who Makes Doves Fly, a crazy looking movie called Perversion (where Marins keeps a woman’s nipple in a goldfish bowl), and a Death Wish-style thriller called Fatal Hours. 

Other highlights include previews for Awakening of the Beast (which is mostly a collection of newspaper stories about Coffin Joe), a cool trailer for The Strange World of Coffin Joe (it almost plays like a music video), and the trailer for The End of Man, which is in black and white, even if the actual movie was in color. 

After about an hour or so of trailers, we switch gears as the tape concludes with Marins’ segment from the horror anthology, Trilogy of Terror called “Macabre Nightmare” (***).  It’s a Poe-inspired tale about a man with an extreme phobia of snakes and other reptiles.  Couple that with his irrational fear of being buried alive, and well… you can probably already guess what happens to the poor dope. 

Macabre Nightmare won’t be mistaken for Marins’ best work, but it's a decent enough short-form blast of horror.  Since this is a Marins movie we’re talking about, it contains a scene where women have their negligees ripped off them by a whip-wielding dude during a voodoo ceremony.  The hallucination scenes are also well-realized.

The complete trailer rundown is as follows:  At Midnight I’ll Take Your Soul, The Strange World of Coffin Joe, Sex and Blood in the Trail of the Treasure, The Prophet of Hunger, Awakening of the Beast, The End of Man, Women of the Violent Sex, The Strange Hostel of Naked Pleasures, Hellish Flesh, The Woman Who Makes Doves Fly, Perversion, Hallucinations of a Deranged Mind, The Hour of Fear, Fatal Hours, and Macabre Nightmare. 

HOLLYWOOD 90028 (1976) ***

Mark (Christopher Augustine, who kind of looks like Russ Tamblyn) picks up a girl, takes her home, and strangles her.  He earns his living as a porn cameraman, but he wants to break out and do legitimate work.  When Mark strikes up a friendship with a porn star ingenue Michele (Jeannette Dilger), he really seems to really dig her.  The question is:  Will he be able to keep his psychotic tendencies at bay long enough to have a committed relationship? 

Hollywood 90028 is oozing with sleazy ‘70s vibes.  It was the only feature by writer/director Christina Hornisher, and it’s a shame she never did anything else, because she has a real knack for setting a mood.  I dug the leisurely paced scenes of Mark taking pictures in the zoo or just plain hanging out.  These sequences never feels like filler as they’re often stylish and dripping with a retro-coolness that’s hard to replicate.  Some of the hippie-dippy dialogue falls flat though (“Do you live alone?” “Everybody lives alone.”), but that’s to be expected I guess in a time capsule such as this. 

What’s interesting (and okay I’ll say it, sometimes frustrating) about Hollywood 90028 is its reluctance (and often sheer refusal) to pigeonhole itself into a singular genre.  For starters, it doesn’t have enough of a body count to qualify as a horror movie.  It’s also much too laid back to be an effective thriller.  It’s way too aloof to really function as a character study either.  (There is plenty of skin to go around though.)  Honestly, it plays more like a hangout movie with an occasional strangulation.  If you’re looking for a programmer that conforms to genre demands, then steer clear of this one.  If, instead, you want something a little artier and off the beaten path, then this will be a rewarding experience (even if it’s not entirely successful). 

AKA:  Insanity.  AKA:  The Hollywood Hillside Strangler.  AKA:  Twisted Throats.

THE BLOODY EXORCISM OF COFFIN JOE (1974) ***

For whatever reason, The Bloody Exorcism of Coffin Joe was omitted from Arrow’s Coffin Joe Blu-Ray box set.  Fortunately, I was able to track it down.  Oh, and get this… it’s also a Christmas movie!  (There’s a great bit where a little girl sees snakes and spiders in the Christmas tree.) 

Director Jose Mojica Marins holds a press conference and proclaims, “Coffin Joe does not exist!”  He then heads to a secluded house to spend Christmas with his friends and write the script for his next picture.  It doesn’t take long before a bunch of weird shit starts happening (chairs move around by themselves, toy pianos play ominously, etc.).  It seems a witch has it out for the family and is determined to make their life a living hell.  Marins is horrified to learn that it is actually his alter ego Coffin Joe who is pulling the strings. 

For the first hour or so, the film plays more or less like your typical horror flick.  It’s only in the final act where Marins comes face to face with his on-screen character does it start feeling more like your average Coffin Joe installment.  It’s here where topless dancers perform Satanic rituals while people are chained to the wall and wail helplessly.  It’s not quite as wild and inventive as Marins’ best work and some of the gore looks really fake (fingers, tongues and ears are cartoonishly hacked off and eaten), but the close-ups of the possessed family members are quite effective.  

Despite its uneven nature, The Bloody Exorcism of Coffin Joe remains fun, if only to see Marins once again playing with the possibilities of cinema.  It’s always interesting when he blends “real” and “reel” horror, and the outcome is almost always entertaining.  I mean who wouldn’t want to see an actor square off against his most famous character? 

AKA:  The Black Exorcism of Coffin Joe.  AKA:  The Black Exorcism.

You can order my latest book, The Video Vacuum Strikes Back! HERE: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=mitch+lovell&crid=2349LP809O62V&sprefix=mitch+lovell%2Caps%2C599&ref=nb_sb_ss_p13n-expert-pd-ops-ranker_1_12 

And here’s a handy link to order more of my books:  https://www.amazon.com/s?k=mitch+lovell&crid=1N559CKWVCAQ&sprefix=mitch+love%2Caps%2C438&ref=nb_sb_ss_p13n-expert-pd-ops-ranker_1_10 

SPIDER-MAN: BRAND NEW DAY (2026) *** ½

Spider-Man: No Way Home was the ultimate Spider-Man movie.  It had three Spider-Men, five villains, and offered up a Multiverse of possibilities.  The question is, what do you do for an encore?  I guess it’s admirable that Brand New Day doesn’t try to top the previous film.  When it is content on delivering a (relatively) low-stakes Spider-Man adventure, it shines.  It’s only when the picture starts bending over backwards to set up the next big Marvel tentpole that it loses its luster. 

Granted, this is a Marvel-wide problem.  Most of these things suffer from a Ponzi Scheme style of storytelling.  “If you like what you’re seeing, just wait till the NEXT movie!”  This continuous plate-spinning of ongoing narratives often shortchanges the story at hand.  Brand New Day is no exception. 

Web-slinging crime fighter Spider-Man (Tom Holland) is busy keeping his nose to the grindstone.  While battling baddies in New York City, he encounters his friends MJ (Zendaya) and Ned (Jacob Batalon), who both have forgotten he even existed.  As Spider-Man wrestles with the temptation of reintroducing himself into their lives, he must also contend with a body-hopping villain threatening the city.  There’s also the pesky matter of his spider DNA trying to take over his body.  What’s a friendly neighborhood Spider-Man to do?

The first two-thirds of Brand New Day offer fans a fun and exciting time.  Holland once again essays the role of Spider-Man with heart and warmth, and the enormous goodwill he’s generated over the years helps the film over some of its bumpy moments late in the game.  If anything, Brand New Day is the realization of what producer Kevin Feige was aiming for back when Iron Man was released in 2008; a cinematic comic book.  If you’re making a Spider-Man movie and Spider-Man needs to ask a scientist a question, why get a random actor from Central Casting when you can have Dr. Bruce Banner, AKA:  The Incredible Hulk (Mark Ruffalo)?  If a shady government agency needs a security detail, why give them a bunch of interchangeable guys in SWAT team uniforms when they can bring in The Hand?  

So, in that respect, the film is a crackling good time.  Director Destin Daniel Cretton nails every Spidey aspect of the movie (even if he cribs a bit from the Sam Raimi classics).  It’s when the script reveals a character (whom I won’t spoil) from a different franchise as the Big Bad that the feeling of cinematic hopscotch begins to set in.  It’s especially disappointing considering Spider-Man has the best rogues’ gallery in the Marvel universe.  (The fact that many of them show up early on in a brief montage only compounds that fact.)  Why bring in someone from an adjacent franchise unless you’re using them as a springboard to launch another MCU installment? 

Other than that, this is still a strong, funny and robust Spidey adventure.  In some ways it feels like a soft reboot, and if you go in with that mindset you may enjoy it more.  Brand New Day remains a good time, even if nothing about it feels exactly “Brand New”.

Marvel Cinematic Universe Scorecard: 

Spider-Man:  No Way Home:  ****

Avengers:  Age of Ultron:  ****

The Incredible Hulk:  ****

Iron Man:  ****

Thor:  Ragnarok:  ****

Avengers:  Endgame:  ****

Ant-Man and the Wasp:  ****

Spider-Man:  Homecoming:  ****

Iron Man 3:  ****

Captain America:  Civil War:  *** ½

Spider-Man:  Brand New Day:  *** ½ 

Ant-Man:  *** ½

Guardians of the Galaxy:  *** ½

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2:  *** ½ 

Avengers:  Infinity War:  *** ½

Werewolf by Night:  *** ½ 

Black Panther:  *** ½ 

The Avengers:  ***

Captain America:  The First Avenger:  ***

Captain America:  The Winter Soldier:  ***

Deadpool and Wolverine:  ***

Fantastic Four:  First Steps:  ***

Thor:  Love and Thunder:  ***

Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness:  ***

Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings:  ***

Captain Marvel:  ***

Spider-Man:  Far from Home:  ***

Thor:  ***

The Marvels:  ***

Captain America:  Brave New World:  ***

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3:  ***

Thor:  The Dark World:  ***

Iron Man 2:  ***

Thunderbolts*:  ** ½ 

Ant-Man and the Wasp:  Quantumania:  ** ½ 

Doctor Strange:  ** ½ 

Black Widow:  ** ½  

Black Panther:  Wakanda Forever:  **

The Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special:  **

Eternals:  * ½  

You can order my latest book, The Video Vacuum Strikes Back! HERE: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=mitch+lovell&crid=2349LP809O62V&sprefix=mitch+lovell%2Caps%2C599&ref=nb_sb_ss_p13n-expert-pd-ops-ranker_1_12 

And here’s a handy link to order more of my books:  https://www.amazon.com/s?k=mitch+lovell&crid=1N559CKWVCAQ&sprefix=mitch+love%2Caps%2C438&ref=nb_sb_ss_p13n-expert-pd-ops-ranker_1_10