THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #16: READY OR NOT: HERE I COME (2026) **

This uneven and overlong sequel to the fun Ready or Not picks up immediately where that film ended.  Samara Weaving survives the deadly game of Hide and Seek on her wedding night only to be kidnapped again by a cabal of all-powerful Satanic rich people who want to hunt her down and kill her… again.  This time they add Weaving’s estranged sister (Kathryn Newton) into the mix.  Predictably, the two bickering siblings must learn to work together in order to survive the night. 

Here I Come takes an inordinate amount of time to set up its premise, which might not have been so bad if it wasn’t just a rehash of the original.  Further hampering the film is the laborious first act which is loaded with scenes of people over explaining the “rules” of the new game.  Also, the setting, a posh country club for rich assholes, isn’t nearly as interesting or atmospheric as the castle in the first movie. 

Weaving and Newton are two of my favorite actresses working today so pairing them up should’ve been a recipe for success.  While they have their moments, it’s not exactly the pairing you’d hope it to be.  Part of the problem lies in the fact that their characters more or less hate each other.  Because of that, most of their scenes devolve into a lot of shouting about their ongoing family squabbles.  Not only do these scenes get repetitive, but they also prevent the action from gaining momentum.  Maybe they can be paired again in a better written film somewhere down the line. 

The supporting cast is pretty good though.  It includes Sarah Michelle Gellar, David Cronenberg, and Elijah Wood as various pawns in the new game.  While Wood gets some okay quips, and Gellar gets to do some Buffy-type action, Cronenberg is pretty much wasted in what is essentially an extended cameo. 

It might sound like I really have it out for this movie.  Here I Come is fine, I guess.  It’s a step down from the original that’s for sure.  The standout moment comes when someone is tossed into an industrial washing machine.  There’s also a fight between two women who are both blinded by mace that’s kinda funny.  However, the long-winded third act really takes it down a notch.  You’ll probably be ready to go before Ready or Not is over. 

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #15: DOLLY (2026) ***

Chase (Seann William Scott) and his girlfriend Macy (Fabianne Therese) go hiking in the woods where they encounter a creepy woman wearing a doll mask (Max the Impaler).  She kidnaps Macy and takes her back to her oversized dollhouse in the woods where she dresses her up and forces her to play baby doll.  When she doesn’t comply, her captor gets mad.  REAL mad. 

Dolly is a three-chord horror flick that tries to replicate the look and feel of an old school slasher, and it more or less succeeds.  It’s a slight reworking of the old Texas Chainsaw motif except with infantilism and a killer who wears a doll mask taking the place of cannibalism and a killer wearing a mask made of human skin.  (They also trade out chainsaws for shovels.)  The fact that the filmmakers keep it simple and straightforward is what makes it work so well.  There are no unnecessary characters or subplots gumming up the works.  It’s just Macy trying to elude Dolly and reunite with her boyfriend. 

I was genuinely surprised to see Scott appearing in something like this.  There’s no trace of the old Stifler here.  He does a fine job at playing a grown-up character for a change.  In fact, you’ll probably feel sorry for him most of the time.  Therese likewise puts in a solid turn and gets into her Final Girl role with spunk and fire.  It’s Max the Impaler who makes the biggest impression as Dolly.  She’s a professional wrestler that I’m unfamiliar with, but if this film is any indication she has quite a career ahead of her.  I was particularly impressed how she was able to slip in little bits of humanity into the role which prevented the character from being just another generic hulking slasher. 

No one rewrote the rules with this one.  Nor did they need to.  If you enjoy a good throwback slasher flick, you’re bound to eat this one up.  This is the kind of film where characters go hiking in the woods and discover hundreds of dolls nailed to the trees and they CONTINUE TO WALK ALONG THE PATH.  I mean they pretty much deserve what’s coming to them if you ask me. 

And here’s just a taste of what’s coming to them:  A shovel to the mouth scene (it’s a real jaw dropper), ear ripping, a hand through the chest, skull flattening, and a decapitation.  We also get an icky changing table scene as well as the craziest breastfeeding scene since Barbarian.  If that won’t entice you to watch it, I don’t know what will. 

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #14: THE DOLL OF SATAN (1969) **

Elizabeth (Erna Schurer from Scream of the Demon Lover) learns her uncle has passed away and that she is set to inherit his castle.  She arrives at the property with her boyfriend Jack (Roland Carey) and soon comes to realize her uncle might’ve been murdered.  Before long, we discover that the help is plotting to drive Elizabeth insane by using a drug so they can disinherit her. 

It’s a tale as old as time.  Or at least as old as movies themselves.  Yes, The Doll of Satan (the only film from one-and-done director Ferruccio Casapinta) is another Old Dark House movie.  They weren’t really making a lot of these things in 1969, and the proof is in the pudding.  It’s a creaky and dull murder mystery.  You know, if it wasn’t for the fact that it’s in color (the gorgeous cinematography is a huge plus) and it contains some brief (very brief) nudity, it could’ve passed for a movie from thirty years earlier.  

I’m a fan of Old Dark House mysteries, and even this one tried my patience.  The set-up takes longer than necessary and the plot plods for nearly an hour as fragments of the killers’ scheme are slowly doled out to the audience.  Once the drug takes effect and our heroine begins to experience sexual dreams/hallucinations, things perk up slightly.  However, the cheesy ending is right out of an episode of Scooby-Doo (complete with heroic canine). 

Schurer is quite good in the lead, but the movie makes a serious miscalculation by keeping her largely absent from the action in the third act.  Maybe it wouldn’t have mattered if Carey wasn’t such a dull leading man.  It also doesn’t help that the torture dungeon in the basement (which figures prominently in the poster art) barely gets any use.  Oh, and despite the title, Satan never once figures into the action.  What the hell.  Oh well, I guess you can get some laughs from the club scenes which feature some of the whitest white people dancing you’ve ever seen. 

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #13: VIRGIN SACRIFICES (1996) ***

Sal Longo goes down to the South American jungle to find a native method for preserving body parts.  He returns home with his assistant’s head in a box that miraculously can still communicate with him through telepathy.  You see, he was kept alive in a sacred mud that will preserve a man’s life forever.  The only catch is that a virgin woman must be sacrificed in the mud first.  He then sends Sal off to find four virgins to make him whole again.  Predictably, Sal’s own daughter (Laura Giglio) is a virgin too.  Will Sal be able to break the head’s control over him in time to save his daughter’s life?

This is a solid set-up for a horror movie from W.A.V.E. Productions.  While the film doesn’t stray from the company’s tried and true formula, it finds interesting variations of their trademark tropes, which should make it a real treat for fans of this sort of thing.  The death by mud bath scenes are a slight reworking of W.A.V.E.’s typical quicksand deaths.  One of these sequences leads to an enormously amusing inter-gender mud wrestling match between Longo and Tina Krause.  Another twist comes when the decapitated head uses the power of telepathy to drown its victims.  There are so many W.A.V.E. flicks that feature women being drowned by men that having them drown themselves was a unique enough touch to make it feel fresh. 

The usual W.A.V.E. suspects appear and put in fun turns.  Longo is as entertaining as ever playing the possessed papa.  Clancey McCauley is strong too as his ex-wife, Pamela Sutch is great as the leader of a pro-abstinence group, and Giglio is quite good as the virginal daughter.  It’s Tina Krause who takes the acting honors as a sassy stripper who gets the best line of the movie:  “I may have to work in a mud hole, but I don’t have to wallow with the pigs!”

Children of the ‘80s will likely get a kick out of the scene where Sal stalks a victim at a video store.  It’s fun spotting posters for movies like Inner Sanctum, Seedpeople, and Dr. Caligari on the wall.  Ah, those were the days!

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #12: MASK OF MURDER (1988) **

The police are after a serial slasher.  They corner the killer and gun him down, but when the slayings continue, detective Rod Taylor has to find the culprit.  If his plate wasn’t already full enough, Rod also suspects his wife (Valerie Perrine) is cheating on him with his partner. 

You might think you’re in for a goodie when you sit down to watch Mask of Murder as there are not one but two murders before the minute mark.  While there are a handful of bloody slashings sprinkled throughout the rest of the running time, the film is never quite able to recapture the punch of the opening scene.  From then on, it just sort of turns into a plodding police thriller.  Despite the promising start, director Arne (The Doll) Mattsson handles the material rather stiffly, all things considered. 

Christopher Lee is on hand as Taylor’s boss.  Despite having his face on the video box, it’s more of a supporting role.  He gets shot during the scene where the cops try to catch the killer early in the picture, which means he spends most of his screen time in a hospital bed while Taylor runs around and does all the legwork.  It’s kind of a waste of Lee, but you can’t blame him for taking the role.  It must’ve been an easy paycheck for him.  Taylor, it must be said, carries the film as well as could be expected.  It was definitely an interesting role to play, even if it wasn’t particularly well written. 

Another problem is that you can figure out early on who the new killer is.  Although his plan to get away with it isn’t bad, it just feels like he takes a long time to get around to pulling it off.  The subplot with Perrine (who like Lee is more or less wasted) cheating on Taylor, while important, also drags things down considerably.  

The mask the killer wears is pretty cool though.  It’s just a white latex face covering that looks similar to the one in Wicked Wicked.  While the mask is simple, it’s pretty effective.  I wish the same could be said for the rest of the movie. 

AKA:  The Investigator.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #11: THE MUMMY (2026) **

After fucking up the Evil Dead franchise with the godawful Evil Dead Rise, Lee Cronin sets his sight on The Mummy.  Now, the actual on-screen title is Lee Cronin’s The Mummy, but I’m making it a rule that only people who make good movies get their names in the title.  Either that or they just can’t make the same damn movie twice with only slight variations.  I mean after this and Rise, it seems Cronin’s sole MO is to take a family that’s already in crisis and put them through hell.  The good news is this is better than Evil Dead Rise.  Honestly, that wasn’t all that hard to do. 

A young girl is kidnapped while her family is working in Cairo.  Eight years later, she’s found in a sarcophagus and returned to her parents.  The girl has obviously been through a lot, but that’s no excuse for antisocial behavior that includes running around the house like a spider monkey, eating bugs, and throwing your grandma out the window. 

Let’s face it.  There was no goddamn reason this thing had to be one-hundred-and-thirty-four goddamned minutes.  It enjoyed bits and pieces of the film, but honestly if Cronin cut about fifty minutes from this, it would’ve been easier on all of us.  The feeling of déjà vu didn’t help either.  Most of the time it seemed like he was trying to make another Evil Dead movie, but couldn’t get the rights, so he just traded out Kandarian demons for Egyptian ones.  The parts where the girl infects other family members with the evil are also like Evil Dead, and there are other moments that rip off The Exorcist and Patrick. 

Man, if you go into The Mummy expecting to see… you know… a mummy, you’re going to be hella disappointed.  The little girl isn’t really a mummy, but more of a vessel of evil.  While there is a mummy in the movie, it only gets about a minute of screen time. 

At least the gore is good.  We get a hook through the chin, a stick through the eye, a gnarly toenail cutting scene, an abuela getting eaten by coyotes, a pretty funny funeral scene and a cool bit where a woman’s got to stick her fingers down her throat the hard way.  That’s not quite enough to salvage the dreary, sluggish, and unnecessary parts.  It still doesn’t take away the fact that this is a bait-and-switch Mummy movie.  Heck, I might’ve been more forgiving if it was called Egyptian Dead or something.  I mean, to make a movie called The Mummy that barely has a mummy in it feels like some kind of pyramid scheme. 

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #10: HOLY WEDNESDAY (1974) ***

Snakey (The Slime People’s Les Tremayne) is a crotchety old snake handler who has the local kids round up mice to feed to his pet snakes.  Their schoolteacher Cynthia (Bebe Kelly) really likes Snakey’s pet snake, Lucifer.  And I mean she REALLY likes him!  When the local grocer Sis (Alice Nunn, Large Marge from Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure) and her sleazy brother (Bruce Kimball) catch wind of all this, they blackmail Cynthia and force her to call off the illicit relationship.  After they kill Snakey’s beloved snake, he snaps and sets out to use his snakes to get revenge on those who’ve wronged him (which, fortunately for the audience is quite a few people). 

This could’ve been an ordinary snake-themed revenge thriller (like, say… Stanley), but nothing about Holy Wednesday is ordinary.  Just about everybody in this movie is a miserable old cuss.  They almost feel like characters from a Coen Brothers movie, except the writing isn’t as good.  Let’s take our main character, Snakey for example.  He’s a John Philip Sousa super fan that gets drunk and blares “Stars and Stripes Forever” and rants about snakes and band music to anyone who’ll listen.  Only in the ‘70s would you get this kind of psycho character and be expected to root for him. 

The snake fucking scenes are handled with restraint.  In the first sequence, all we see is Cynthia’s shadow on the wall, but we can easily get the gist of what’s going on.  Heck, even the scene where she is gangbanged to death by snakes is tastefully done.  (Now there’s a sentence I’d never thought I’d type.) 

The movie is also surprisingly progressive.  Cythnia’s predilection for snakes is presented without judgment.  There is no kink shaming here, which is kind of refreshing.  (There’s a great scene where we see her lying in bed and looking longingly at pictures of snakes.)

This was director Arthur A. Names’ only film.  He worked in sound most of his career.  He probably knew he couldn’t top this one.  Better to quit while you’re ahead. 

AKA:  Fangs.  AKA:  Snakes.  AKA:  Snakelust.