THE ASTROLOGER (1976) ***

The Astrologer is an odd and uneven disasterpiece/egoploitation drama that will have you scratching your head and chuckling to yourself for much of its seventy-seven-minute running time.  It satisfies the primary function of an egoploitation film in that it is the brainchild of an actor/director who had no business in front of or behind a camera.  It also helps that the audience for said film was primarily the man who made it.  In this case it was Craig Denney. 

Denney stars as an astrologer in a carnival who is tired of eking out a living reading palms.  He goes for the big score of smuggling diamonds and uses the profits to fund his astrology organization who counts the U.S. military among its clients.  His downfall begins when he sinks his fortune into movies and tries to make his wife a star. 

While this never quite hits the heights of say a Neil Breen picture, Breen and Denney seem to be kindred spirits when it comes to unconventional storytelling techniques.  Denney has created a film in which mere edits and simple scene transitions seemingly don’t exist.  One minute, he’s hanging out drinking wine in an American graveyard and the next, he’s in a Kenyan prison.  A precious few seconds are devoted to a major character dying in quicksand while minutes are spent on a montage of Denny aboard a boat while The Moody Blues’ “Tuesday Afternoon” plays on the soundtrack (totally unauthorized no less).  Then of course, there’s the totally random ending that will leave you asking yourself, “Huh?”

There are some lulls in between the WTF moments of inspiration.  However, the film’s reckless headlong spirit is a sight to behold.  The way it hops from genre to genre (it goes from carny drama to jungle adventure to a rags to riches story at a breakneck pace) is inspired, and the slight detour into meta territory is kind of bonkers.  (At one point, Denny’s character makes a movie about himself called… what else?  The Astrologer!)  

In short, fans of oddball ego-driven independent maverick moviemaking will undoubtedly find something to enjoy here. 

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BETTY’S REVENGE (2026) *

After a slew of Winnie-the-Pooh and Mickey Mouse horror movies it was only a matter of time before low-budget filmmakers set their sights on making Betty Boop into a public domain slasher.  Too bad they do next to nothing with the concept.  In fact, you have to wonder if the filmmakers just took a pre-existing script and just slapped the character of Betty Boop in there just to cash in on her public domain status. 

Three friends go to an old mansion to investigate an urban legend.  Betty (Hannah Fierman), their strange host, gifts them a diary linked to the house’s shady past.  Before they can even finish perusing the book, they wind up locked inside the spooky mansion.  Eventually, they discover Betty has a serious axe to grind. 

Betty’s Revenge is maligned almost from the get-go thanks to the aggressively annoying performances by the three leads.  The scenes of them bickering, wandering around the mansion, and talking about the weather grinds everything to a halt even before the film has a chance to gather momentum.  This is one slow-moving movie.  It’s only seventy-four minutes long but it feels twice that length.  Plus, the ending really sucks, and the last-minute flashback feels like it was only tacked on to further bloat the running time.  

The most egregious parts are the long scenes of the Final Girl reading excerpts from Betty’s diary.  They are a chore to sit through and seemingly go on forever. It’s almost like watching a movie version of Audible. 

It also doesn’t help that the Betty character is underused.  She basically just stands in the shadows and remains silent for most of the movie.  You’d think Betty’s squeaky voice could be used to creepy effect, but the filmmakers don’t even try.  Adding insult to injury is the fact that the body count is low and the gore is weak.  (There are some eyeballs that get ripped out, but that’s about it.)

There is a clip from a public domain Betty Boop cartoon, but it’s almost tossed in there as an afterthought.  In fact, the whole movie feels like it was made as an afterthought.  Actually, I don’t think the filmmakers put any thought into this mess at all. 

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DETROIT 9000 (1973) ** ½

Aubrey Hale Clayton (Rudy Challenger) is a black politician who is making a run for governor.  On the night of his big fundraiser, armed thieves storm the ballroom and steal his campaign donations.  The whole thing becomes a political powder keg when public opinion believes the crime was racially motivated.  Bassett (Alex Rocco), a white detective, is assigned to the case, but fearing a PR nightmare, the department partners him with a black cop named Williams (Hari Rhodes) to find the crooks. 

Directed by Arthur Marks, Detroit 9000 isn’t exactly a Blaxploitation flick, although it contains many of the same elements found in those pictures.  While there are various Blaxploitation staples like smooth black detectives, pimps, and prostitutes in the mix, it’s really more of your standard cop thriller set in the black community.  Rhodes even gets his own Dirty Harry-style introduction scene disarming a gunman and goading him to draw his weapon.  Honestly though, the movie needed more hardboiled action beats like this to qualify it as a Blaxploitation actioner. 

The “a dash of this and a dash of that” philosophy of the screenwriters ultimately doesn’t work as a whole.  Since it’s neither fish nor fowl, it doesn’t really satisfy the demands of either the cop or Blaxploitation genres.  There are also touches of political thriller, and stabs at social messaging that sort of get lost in the shuffle. 

Even though nothing quite gels, Detroit 9000 is nevertheless engaging for the most part, and that’s largely due to the performances.  The scenes with Rocco are the best parts.  Whether he’s dealing with his mentally unstable wife in a sanitarium, bedding hookers, or befriending his new partner, his charisma helps keep the film afloat.  So much so that when he disappears from the action in the third act, his presence is sorely missed.  Rhodes is quite good too, especially in his scenes with Vonetta (The Great Silence) McGee.  Challenger also fares well as the crooked politician, but sadly, the great Scatman Crothers is woefully underutilized as a priest. 

Marks went on to direct such Blaxploitation classics as Bucktown, Friday Foster, and J.D.’s Revenge. 

AKA:  S.O.S. Black Guns.  AKA:  Call Detroit 9000.  AKA:  Detroit Heat.  AKA:  Police Call:  9000.

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THE LONG, SWIFT SWORD OF SIEGFRIED (1972) ***

David F. (Blood Feast) Friedman wrote this English version of Adrian (Mark of the Devil Part 2) Hoven’s Swedish sexploitation swashbuckler.  The Swedes have always been known for their skin flicks and speaking in terms of spectacle, this one is hard to beat.  In fact, the lavish production values look more sophisticated than some of Hollywood’s “A” pictures from the same era. 

Siegfried (Raimund Harmstorf) is a daring knight who plans to retire and take a wife.  He has his sights set on Kriemhild, and since she’s played by a young Sybil Danning, who can blame him?  Of course, he won’t make any rash decisions until he beds down a bevy of other beauties first.  Since Kriemhild is the sister of King Gunther (Carlheinz Heitman), he won’t betroth her to Siegfried unless he helps him score with the witch Brunhild (Heidy Bohlen) with the help of his magic invisible cap.  When Brunhild realizes she’s been hoodwinked, she sets out to get revenge on Siegfried. 

Even though this is primarily a skin flick, the scale of the production remains impressive.  The special effects are quite good (like the queen’s burning “purgatory”) and the whole thing plays like a bawdy version of a ‘60s kiddie matinee movie.  (Think The Sword and the Dragon, but with boobs.)  You can see why Friedman would want to release it as it’s basically a higher budgeted and more sophisticated version of the same kind of costume softcore films he was making at the same time.  

While the film has considerable production values for this sort of thing, I still say the real reason to see it is for Sybil Danning.  Throughout the movie she is seen receiving sponge baths from her naked handmaidens, engaging in lesbian trysts, having gratuitous disrobing scenes, and of course, getting it on with Siegfried.  Even the sex scenes that do not feature Sybil are fairly steamy, and some contain a few near hardcore moments.

The anticlimactic ending is really the only issue I have with the film.  It’s almost as if they wanted to end things on a cliffhanger, but got cold feet at the last second, so they just cut to an on-screen narrator wrapping up the story for us.  Up until then, it’s pretty much a rollicking good time. 

Brunhild gets the best line when she feels Siegfried’s invisible member and exclaims, “It’s like an iron salami!”

AKA:  Maiden Quest.  AKA:  The Erotic Adventures of Siegfried.  AKA:  The Lustful Barbarian.  AKA:  The Terrible, Swift, Sword of Siegfried.  

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AMITYVILLE BACKPACK (2024) ** ½

A loser named Luther (Mike Hartsfield) buys a backpack at a garage sale in Amityville.  The first day, it kills his cat.  Then a janitor.  Then the girl he has a crush on who won’t give him the time of day.  Then his boss.  Finally, the demented backpack comes for Luther. 

The backpack itself is kind of cool.  It looks like a homemade version of a Loungefly bag.  It’s shaped like the famous house and is adorned with little plastic sleeves that are shaped like the iconic windows.  (Flames are seen inside of it when it gets angry.)  When it transforms, it even grows the house’s chimney too. 

As Luther the loser, Hartsfield looks like an amalgam of Fred Armisen and David Cross.  He delivers a tour de force performance.  Many scenes hinge on his ability to rant and rave to no one in particular (or at least to a backpack).  The surprising thing is, these moments (while they aren’t exactly laugh out loud funny) are amusing more often than not. 

Amityville Backpack proves that sometimes the dumbest ideas can be the most entertaining.  I mean I can’t quite in good conscience call this a “good” movie, but when you’re dabbling in the world of fake Amityville flicks, you take what you can get.  For example, I found myself genuinely amused when the backpack took a break from its rampage to lounge by the pool and drink a beer.  Or the part where it rides around the city on its skateboard.  Touches like this is what separates it from something like Amityville Scarecrow. 

Yes, as with the recent rash of Amityville movies, there are still too many cheap looking scenes of news anchors delivering updates on the crime spree that act as padding.  These little deterrents are to be expected as they come with the territory.  As a viewer, you have to ask yourself, “Am I the kind of person who wants to see a backpack shoot a guy point blank in the face?” 

Since I gave this ** ½, you can probably guess what kind of person I am.

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WINTERBEAST (1992) **

Winterbeast has a weirdly misleading title.  For one, there are multiple beasts, each one as improbable and silly looking as the next.  For another, it doesn’t even look like it takes place in winter.  There’s not one flake of snow to be found nor do you see anyone’s breath during the outdoor scenes. 

The plot has a forest ranger looking for some missing campers.  When he finds a dead body on a totem pole, he tries to shut the mountain down.  Naturally, the local bigwig doesn’t want to scare off the tourists, so he tries to keep a lid on it.  Eventually, the ranger and his buddies try to put a stop to the goofy looking monsters who are stomping around the woods. 

The film is really uneven and choppy.  One minute the ranger and his pal witness somebody’s face exploding (it looks like some third graders tried to recreate the face melting scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark) and the next, they’re back at their post like nothing happened.  The film stock also changes numerous times, which makes me think this was piecemealed together over several years. 

The Jaws-inspired subplot with the monsters ruining the tourist trade really bogs things down.  However, the film has enough odd moments sprinkled about to keep you watching.  The scene where the ranger stumbles upon a character wearing a clown mask and dancing around some corpses is surprisingly effective. 

The monsters are easily the most amusing thing about the movie though.  One looks like an alien made of bubblegum, another resembles Groot on steroids, and there’s a giant chicken that looks like a close cousin to the bird monster in The Giant Claw.  The final demon is just a guy wearing not-bad devil appliances, but he’s the least memorable creature in the cast.  The effects seen in the opening dream sequence are pretty cool too. 

Ultimately, this is a hodgepodge.  If you enjoyed something like Equinox, you might not mind sitting through this just to see the silly-looking stop-motion monsters.   Those fun special effects aside, Winterbeast is bound to leave you cold. 

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DOWN TWISTED (1987) **

Cinematography that’s too dark?  Check.  Muddled sound that makes the dialogue hard to hear?  Got it!  Confusing plot?  Yup.  Must be an Albert Pyun movie. 

Thieves steal an ancient relic and head to LA.  Carey Lowell, two years away from becoming a Bond girl, gets roped in by her roommate into going along with her to a drug deal.  Well, wouldn’t you know it?  The roommate (Trudy Dochterman) winds up dead and Carey, along with a wimpy lawyer (Charles Rocket) gets kidnapped by a colorful gang of punks.  They are both soon embroiled in the search for the priceless artifact and grudgingly have to work together in order to stay alive. 

I think Down Twisted could’ve worked, but the script was just far too disjointed.  This is one of those movies that relies on opening crawls, radio announcements, and obvious ADR to convey plot information to the audience.  Not that any of it is really all that helpful.  

The ending is weak too as things just sort of peter out.  Afterwards, there’s a long montage set to UB40’s cover of “Suspicious Minds” that looks like it might’ve been meant for a closing credits spiel, but someone forgot to put in the actors’ names.  If anything, it helps to pad things out. 

The first act is the best.  It’s here where Pyun seems to be trying to turn the usual action trope on its ear by making the actress a capable action hero while turning the lead actor into the whiny sidekick character that’s usually reserved for women in these kinds of pictures.  However, since the movie hinges on characters not being who they seem, that dynamic quickly shifts.  Before long, Carey is back to playing the more typical character of the girl who’s just along for the ride. 

Down Twisted also suffers from a muddy look.  Even the daytime scenes look too dark.  The script is as muddled as the cinematography.  It tries to pull the rug out from under you every twenty minutes or so through characters double crossing each other or revealing their true nature.  This all seems superfluous though as the big reveals ultimately just boils down to another scene of Lowell and Rocket being chased. 

This is far from Pyun’s worst, but I don’t think it will win over anyone unfamiliar with his work.  The cast helps to keep you invested, even when the plot is spinning its wheels.  Lowell is quite good, and you can tell the Bond producers probably saw this when they were casting Licence to Kill as she handles herself exceptionally well in the action scenes.  Rocket has some nice moments too, especially later on when his character shows signs of being a competent action hero.  Fans of Pyun will enjoy seeing his usual cast of characters such as Thom Mathews, Linda Kerridge, and Norbert Weisser popping up in there as well.  You’ll probably also get a kick out of seeing Courteney Cox in her film debut.  It’s just a shame that Down Twisted’s plot is so twisted that it leaves its leads in the lurch for much of the running time. 

AKA:  Treasure of San Lucas.

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