COFFIN JOE’S VISIONS OF TERROR (1994) *** ½

This trailer compilation from Something Weird Video is devoted to the films of the legendary Jose Mojica Marins and his immortal creation, Coffin Joe.  Things kick off with an incredible trailer for At Midnight I’ll Take Your Soul.  From there, it doesn’t look back.   

The most interesting part is seeing trailers for Marins’ non-Coffin Joe films, many of which I’ve never even heard of like Sex and Blood in the Trail of the Treasure, which looks like your standard jungle expedition movie... but… you know… with sex and blood.  The Prophet of Hunger (which was not directed by Marins) finds him playing a character who looks kind of similar to Finis Hominis.  Women of the Violent Sex looks like a badass sleazy crime thriller.  There’s also a sex comedy called The Woman Who Makes Doves Fly, a crazy looking movie called Perversion (where Marins keeps a woman’s nipple in a goldfish bowl), and a Death Wish-style thriller called Fatal Hours. 

Other highlights include previews for Awakening of the Beast (which is mostly a collection of newspaper stories about Coffin Joe), a cool trailer for The Strange World of Coffin Joe (it almost plays like a music video), and the trailer for The End of Man, which is in black and white, even if the actual movie was in color. 

After about an hour or so of trailers, we switch gears as the tape concludes with Marins’ segment from the horror anthology, Trilogy of Terror called “Macabre Nightmare” (***).  It’s a Poe-inspired tale about a man with an extreme phobia of snakes and other reptiles.  Couple that with his irrational fear of being buried alive, and well… you can probably already guess what happens to the poor dope. 

Macabre Nightmare won’t be mistaken for Marins’ best work, but it's a decent enough short-form blast of horror.  Since this is a Marins movie we’re talking about, it contains a scene where women have their negligees ripped off them by a whip-wielding dude during a voodoo ceremony.  The hallucination scenes are also well-realized.

The complete trailer rundown is as follows:  At Midnight I’ll Take Your Soul, The Strange World of Coffin Joe, Sex and Blood in the Trail of the Treasure, The Prophet of Hunger, Awakening of the Beast, The End of Man, Women of the Violent Sex, The Strange Hostel of Naked Pleasures, Hellish Flesh, The Woman Who Makes Doves Fly, Perversion, Hallucinations of a Deranged Mind, The Hour of Fear, Fatal Hours, and Macabre Nightmare. 

HOLLYWOOD 90028 (1976) ***

Mark (Christopher Augustine, who kind of looks like Russ Tamblyn) picks up a girl, takes her home, and strangles her.  He earns his living as a porn cameraman, but he wants to break out and do legitimate work.  When Mark strikes up a friendship with a porn star ingenue Michele (Jeannette Dilger), he really seems to really dig her.  The question is:  Will he be able to keep his psychotic tendencies at bay long enough to have a committed relationship? 

Hollywood 90028 is oozing with sleazy ‘70s vibes.  It was the only feature by writer/director Christina Hornisher, and it’s a shame she never did anything else, because she has a real knack for setting a mood.  I dug the leisurely paced scenes of Mark taking pictures in the zoo or just plain hanging out.  These sequences never feels like filler as they’re often stylish and dripping with a retro-coolness that’s hard to replicate.  Some of the hippie-dippy dialogue falls flat though (“Do you live alone?” “Everybody lives alone.”), but that’s to be expected I guess in a time capsule such as this. 

What’s interesting (and okay I’ll say it, sometimes frustrating) about Hollywood 90028 is its reluctance (and often sheer refusal) to pigeonhole itself into a singular genre.  For starters, it doesn’t have enough of a body count to qualify as a horror movie.  It’s also much too laid back to be an effective thriller.  It’s way too aloof to really function as a character study either.  (There is plenty of skin to go around though.)  Honestly, it plays more like a hangout movie with an occasional strangulation.  If you’re looking for a programmer that conforms to genre demands, then steer clear of this one.  If, instead, you want something a little artier and off the beaten path, then this will be a rewarding experience (even if it’s not entirely successful). 

AKA:  Insanity.  AKA:  The Hollywood Hillside Strangler.  AKA:  Twisted Throats.

THE BLOODY EXORCISM OF COFFIN JOE (1974) ***

For whatever reason, The Bloody Exorcism of Coffin Joe was omitted from Arrow’s Coffin Joe Blu-Ray box set.  Fortunately, I was able to track it down.  Oh, and get this… it’s also a Christmas movie!  (There’s a great bit where a little girl sees snakes and spiders in the Christmas tree.) 

Director Jose Mojica Marins holds a press conference and proclaims, “Coffin Joe does not exist!”  He then heads to a secluded house to spend Christmas with his friends and write the script for his next picture.  It doesn’t take long before a bunch of weird shit starts happening (chairs move around by themselves, toy pianos play ominously, etc.).  It seems a witch has it out for the family and is determined to make their life a living hell.  Marins is horrified to learn that it is actually his alter ego Coffin Joe who is pulling the strings. 

For the first hour or so, the film plays more or less like your typical horror flick.  It’s only in the final act where Marins comes face to face with his on-screen character does it start feeling more like your average Coffin Joe installment.  It’s here where topless dancers perform Satanic rituals while people are chained to the wall and wail helplessly.  It’s not quite as wild and inventive as Marins’ best work and some of the gore looks really fake (fingers, tongues and ears are cartoonishly hacked off and eaten), but the close-ups of the possessed family members are quite effective.  

Despite its uneven nature, The Bloody Exorcism of Coffin Joe remains fun, if only to see Marins once again playing with the possibilities of cinema.  It’s always interesting when he blends “real” and “reel” horror, and the outcome is almost always entertaining.  I mean who wouldn’t want to see an actor square off against his most famous character? 

AKA:  The Black Exorcism of Coffin Joe.  AKA:  The Black Exorcism.

You can order my latest book, The Video Vacuum Strikes Back! HERE: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=mitch+lovell&crid=2349LP809O62V&sprefix=mitch+lovell%2Caps%2C599&ref=nb_sb_ss_p13n-expert-pd-ops-ranker_1_12 

And here’s a handy link to order more of my books:  https://www.amazon.com/s?k=mitch+lovell&crid=1N559CKWVCAQ&sprefix=mitch+love%2Caps%2C438&ref=nb_sb_ss_p13n-expert-pd-ops-ranker_1_10 

SPIDER-MAN: BRAND NEW DAY (2026) *** ½

Spider-Man: No Way Home was the ultimate Spider-Man movie.  It had three Spider-Men, five villains, and offered up a Multiverse of possibilities.  The question is, what do you do for an encore?  I guess it’s admirable that Brand New Day doesn’t try to top the previous film.  When it is content on delivering a (relatively) low-stakes Spider-Man adventure, it shines.  It’s only when the picture starts bending over backwards to set up the next big Marvel tentpole that it loses its luster. 

Granted, this is a Marvel-wide problem.  Most of these things suffer from a Ponzi Scheme style of storytelling.  “If you like what you’re seeing, just wait till the NEXT movie!”  This continuous plate-spinning of ongoing narratives often shortchanges the story at hand.  Brand New Day is no exception. 

Web-slinging crime fighter Spider-Man (Tom Holland) is busy keeping his nose to the grindstone.  While battling baddies in New York City, he encounters his friends MJ (Zendaya) and Ned (Jacob Batalon), who both have forgotten he even existed.  As Spider-Man wrestles with the temptation of reintroducing himself into their lives, he must also contend with a body-hopping villain threatening the city.  There’s also the pesky matter of his spider DNA trying to take over his body.  What’s a friendly neighborhood Spider-Man to do?

The first two-thirds of Brand New Day offer fans a fun and exciting time.  Holland once again essays the role of Spider-Man with heart and warmth, and the enormous goodwill he’s generated over the years helps the film over some of its bumpy moments late in the game.  If anything, Brand New Day is the realization of what producer Kevin Feige was aiming for back when Iron Man was released in 2008; a cinematic comic book.  If you’re making a Spider-Man movie and Spider-Man needs to ask a scientist a question, why get a random actor from Central Casting when you can have Dr. Bruce Banner, AKA:  The Incredible Hulk (Mark Ruffalo)?  If a shady government agency needs a security detail, why give them a bunch of interchangeable guys in SWAT team uniforms when they can bring in The Hand?  

So, in that respect, the film is a crackling good time.  Director Destin Daniel Cretton nails every Spidey aspect of the movie (even if he cribs a bit from the Sam Raimi classics).  It’s when the script reveals a character (whom I won’t spoil) from a different franchise as the Big Bad that the feeling of cinematic hopscotch begins to set in.  It’s especially disappointing considering Spider-Man has the best rogues’ gallery in the Marvel universe.  (The fact that many of them show up early on in a brief montage only compounds that fact.)  Why bring in someone from an adjacent franchise unless you’re using them as a springboard to launch another MCU installment? 

Other than that, this is still a strong, funny and robust Spidey adventure.  In some ways it feels like a soft reboot, and if you go in with that mindset you may enjoy it more.  Brand New Day remains a good time, even if nothing about it feels exactly “Brand New”.

Marvel Cinematic Universe Scorecard: 

Spider-Man:  No Way Home:  ****

Avengers:  Age of Ultron:  ****

The Incredible Hulk:  ****

Iron Man:  ****

Thor:  Ragnarok:  ****

Avengers:  Endgame:  ****

Ant-Man and the Wasp:  ****

Spider-Man:  Homecoming:  ****

Iron Man 3:  ****

Captain America:  Civil War:  *** ½

Spider-Man:  Brand New Day:  *** ½ 

Ant-Man:  *** ½

Guardians of the Galaxy:  *** ½

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2:  *** ½ 

Avengers:  Infinity War:  *** ½

Werewolf by Night:  *** ½ 

Black Panther:  *** ½ 

The Avengers:  ***

Captain America:  The First Avenger:  ***

Captain America:  The Winter Soldier:  ***

Deadpool and Wolverine:  ***

Fantastic Four:  First Steps:  ***

Thor:  Love and Thunder:  ***

Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness:  ***

Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings:  ***

Captain Marvel:  ***

Spider-Man:  Far from Home:  ***

Thor:  ***

The Marvels:  ***

Captain America:  Brave New World:  ***

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3:  ***

Thor:  The Dark World:  ***

Iron Man 2:  ***

Thunderbolts*:  ** ½ 

Ant-Man and the Wasp:  Quantumania:  ** ½ 

Doctor Strange:  ** ½ 

Black Widow:  ** ½  

Black Panther:  Wakanda Forever:  **

The Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special:  **

Eternals:  * ½  

You can order my latest book, The Video Vacuum Strikes Back! HERE: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=mitch+lovell&crid=2349LP809O62V&sprefix=mitch+lovell%2Caps%2C599&ref=nb_sb_ss_p13n-expert-pd-ops-ranker_1_12 

And here’s a handy link to order more of my books:  https://www.amazon.com/s?k=mitch+lovell&crid=1N559CKWVCAQ&sprefix=mitch+love%2Caps%2C438&ref=nb_sb_ss_p13n-expert-pd-ops-ranker_1_10 

CURSE OF THE PINK PANTIES (2007) **

You have to hand it to the filmmakers.  Curse of the Pink Panties is a helluva title for a movie.  I saw the sequel, Snatched!  Curse of the Pink Panties 2 a while back, and it was awful.  So, why did I backtrack and watch the original?  Am I that much of a glutton for punishment?  Well, let me answer that query:  It’s called Curse of the Pink Panties.  How am I NOT going to watch it? 

Women enter a contest where they film themselves wearing pink panties in an effort to win a lifetime supply of underwear.  To increase their chances of success, they hold a seance and ask the spirits for guidance.  Meanwhile, across town, a back-alley diamond sale goes awry and leaves a bunch of small-time criminals dead.  Thanks to the girls’ seance, their spirits possess the panties.  The ladies then resort to any means necessary to remove the unwanted ghosts from their undergarments. 

This is not a good movie by any means, but it’s miles better than the sequel.  The scenes of the ladies in their cast twitching and itching and wiggling and jiggling in their underwear aren’t exactly sexy, nor are they laugh out loud funny.  That’s almost a moot point when half of the movie is devoted to scenes of ladies in their underwear itching and twitching and wiggling and jiggling. 

Much of the film is repetitive, which is the real nail in its proverbial coffin.  I think the filmmakers had a very specific fetish they were exploiting here.  If you enjoy scenes of women in their underwear itching and scratching their nether regions and/or guys shouting into their bikini area, you’ll probably enjoy it.  Ultimately, it’s just one of those one-joke movies where the joke wasn’t particularly funny the first time around and they perpetually beat it into the ground for seventy-seven minutes.  Still, if you’re like me, and you’ll check out anything as long as it has a great title, you’ll probably find yourself watching Curse of the Pink Panties at some point in your life. 

AKA:  The Curse.

You can order my latest book, The Video Vacuum Strikes Back! HERE: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=mitch+lovell&crid=2349LP809O62V&sprefix=mitch+lovell%2Caps%2C599&ref=nb_sb_ss_p13n-expert-pd-ops-ranker_1_12 

And here’s a handy link to order more of my books:  https://www.amazon.com/s?k=mitch+lovell&crid=1N559CKWVCAQ&sprefix=mitch+love%2Caps%2C438&ref=nb_sb_ss_p13n-expert-pd-ops-ranker_1_10 

PLAYBOY’S ROLLER DISCO AND PAJAMA PARTY (1979) ****

I hope I live a long, healthy, and happy life here on Planet Earth.  It is my sincere wish to continue to elude the Reaper’s grasp for as long as possible.  If, for whatever reason, I slip from this mortal coil, I hope Heaven is at least half as awesome as Playboy’s Roller Disco and Pajama Party.  

Family Feud’s Richard Dawson is our host for the show.  He basically just stands around, delivers cheeky commentary on the action, and tries to get a kiss from Dorothy Stratten.  During the roller disco portion of the program, we marvel as celebrities like James Caan schmooze with Playmates on roller skates while dancing to such disco hits as “Bad Girls”, “Ring My Bell”, and “Move on Up”.  Meanwhile, Hugh Hefner steals the headdress off the Indian from The Village People and leads a roller disco conga line with Jim Brown in tow while Robert Culp ogles Playmates as they seductively eat popsicles. 

Trust me, it’s heavenly. 

Halfway through, the party switches gears to a pajama party where The Village People perform inside the Playboy Mansion for guests (including Marjoe Gortner!) dressed in their jammies.  Then Dawson interviews several Playmates who are due to appear in the magazine (including Jeana Tomasina and Victoria Cooke).  Next, we are treated to behind-the-scenes footage of the Playmate Centerfold shoots, along with more interviews with the Playmates.  These moments feel like a pilot for what would later become the Playboy Video Centerfolds.  However, since it aired on ABC, there’s no nudity.  Other than that, the construction of these sequences is nearly identical. 

Back at the party, while people disco to “Makin’ It”, there’s a jaw dropping bit where the puppet Madame is dressed in blackface and tries to goof around with Jim Brown, who is clearly not amused.  Finally, Dawson gets a kiss from Dorothy while Chuck Mangione plays in the background. 

Strictly speaking as a time capsule, Playboy’s Roller Disco and Pajama Party is rather incredible.  It is a perfectly presented package that showcases the allure and sheer fun of the Playboy brand.  The scenes with Stratten are a bit sad though knowing her husband would brutally murder her less than a year later.  That said, this serves as a nice reminder of a career that could’ve been. 

Tomasina and Cooke later hosted the Playmate Workout. 

You can order my latest book, The Video Vacuum Strikes Back! HERE: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=mitch+lovell&crid=2349LP809O62V&sprefix=mitch+lovell%2Caps%2C599&ref=nb_sb_ss_p13n-expert-pd-ops-ranker_1_12 

And if here’s a handy link to order more of my books:  https://www.amazon.com/s?k=mitch+lovell&crid=1N559CKWVCAQ&sprefix=mitch+love%2Caps%2C438&ref=nb_sb_ss_p13n-expert-pd-ops-ranker_1_10  

KING FRAT (1979) * ½

King Frat was one of the first college comedies to be released in the wake of the success of National Lampoon’s Animal House.  It’s also one of the worst.  It’s full of sub-sophomoric hijinks and unfunny shtick.  You also have to endure the annoying theme song which is repeated several times throughout the movie. 

The members of Pi Kappa Delta get their kicks from driving around in a hearse and mooning people, filming girls changing in the locker room, drinking beer, and farting.  In fact, the plot revolves around the frat brothers trying to get enough money so they can enter a farting contest.  (No, really.)  Meanwhile, the uptight dean tries to get the frat kicked out of school.  It all ends with a brawl with the rival preppie fraternity. 

Directed by Ken Wiederhorn, King Frat is a pathetic xerox of Animal House.  The main character Gross Out (John DiSanti) is our Bluto substitute, but he looks more like Flounder.  His only redeeming quality is that he wears a cool Howard the Duck T-shirt.  His drunken behavior never comes close to scoring a laugh, which is a bad sign since he’s basically front and center for the entire movie. 

The film consists of little more than a bunch of obnoxious vignettes (like spreading marijuana smoke into a funeral home, holding costume parties, and spying on co-eds changing) with the barest wisps of a plot.  The only remotely funny bit is when a couple gets stuck together while fucking.  There’s also just enough T & A to keep you watching, but not enough to make it worthwhile. 

Oh, and a woman wins the fart contest (spoiler), which I guess was the filmmakers’ halfhearted attempt at Women’s Lib. 

It’s pretty incredible that Wiederhorn, who did such a great job on the atmospheric Nazi zombie movie Shock Waves, would churn out such a nothing of a movie.  He later went on to direct Meatballs 2 and Return of the Living Dead 2, which look like Shakespeare compared to this shit.  Speaking of sequels, screenwriter Ron Kurz would later write Friday the 13th Part 2. 

AKA:  Campus King.  AKA:  Delta House.  AKA:  King *@#!! Frat. 

You can order my latest book, The Video Vacuum Strikes Back! HERE: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=mitch+lovell&crid=2349LP809O62V&sprefix=mitch+lovell%2Caps%2C599&ref=nb_sb_ss_p13n-expert-pd-ops-ranker_1_12 

And if here’s a handy link to order more of my books:  https://www.amazon.com/s?k=mitch+lovell&crid=1N559CKWVCAQ&sprefix=mitch+love%2Caps%2C438&ref=nb_sb_ss_p13n-expert-pd-ops-ranker_1_10