THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: PRE-GAME: RESIDENT EVIL (2026) ****

Sometimes, if you’re going to reboot a beloved franchise you have to start small.  I think director Zach Cregger knew deep down that the deck was stacked against him.  I mean, how can you possibly make a Resident Evil movie without Milla Jovovich?  Remember Welcome to Raccoon City?  Didn’t think so. 

Here’s how you crack the code:  Make people sort of forget you’re watching a Resident Evil movie.  Follow an immensely likable (if a bit squirrelly) guy named Bryan (Austin Abrams) as he makes his way to deliver a package to a hospital.  Have some very bad things happen to him in rapid succession.  Then… BAM!  Right when the shit starts to hit the fan, splash the Resident Evil title up on the screen.  In fact, the pre-title sequence is some of the best horror shit you’ll see all year.  

And the movie is just getting started.  

The way the film escalates is one of its many joys.  From one crazy infected woman to a squid-faced dog to a Baron Harkonnen-inspired fatty to an acid spewing grandpa, Cregger deftly keeps upping the ante.  He sends Bryan out of the frying pan and into the fire with skill, scares, and plenty of humor to spare.  This is one helluva rollercoaster. 

I didn’t like Cregger’s previous films Barbarian and Weapons, but there was enough there in both pictures that suggested he had potential.  He really shows us what he’s got in Resident Evil.  Cregger blends horror and humor the way guys like Raimi and Dekker did back in the ‘80s. 

He even embraces the confines of a video game movie better than just about anyone.  While not a strict adaptation of the game, the way Abrams looks for keys and ammunition feels very much like a video game.  Even the first-person sequences are well done mostly, because they occur organically in the film and creep in almost subliminally. 

The movie really belongs to Adams.  The Oscar race starts now.  If Cregger got Amy Madigan an Oscar for Weapons, he can get one for Abrams.  He is very nearly the whole show as his reactions are downright hysterical, mostly because they feel genuine.  He never gets “movie scared”.  He acts scared the same way you and I would:  Screeching, jumping, cursing, and sometimes just walking away muttering under his breath.  (“Stupid fucking monster.”)  This is a performance that stacks up there with Bruce Campbell in the Evil Dead movies, but with a style all his own.  I mean some people just shouldn’t have to go through what this poor dope goes through.  Because he’s so likable, the audience’s empathy is squarely with Abrams and we root him on even in the face of certain disgusting, pulsating, slobbery death. 

Resident Evil is a treat.  It’s a goddamn horror fan’s delight.  It’s the best movie based on a video game of all time.  Check it out ASAP. 

THE RETURN OF BRUNO (1987) ***

When I was a kid, one of the first records I ever owned was Bruce Willis’ The Return of Bruno.  He was then (and still) one of my favorite actors and I unironically loved the album, especially “Comin’ Right Up” and “Jackpot (Bruno’s Bop)”.  Somehow, I never saw the accompanying HBO Special.  I guess I always assumed it was just a concert where Bruce plays the songs from the album, but it’s actually a star-studded mockumentary.  This is Spinal Tap it is not, but for fans of ego-stroking vanity projects, it’s a must-see. 

This is essentially a “Where are They Now” type of program hosted by none other than Dick Clark about the rise and fall of a musician named Bruno Radoloni (Willis).  He plays on American Bandstand, performs at Woodstock, experiments with psychedelic music, and sings “Under the Boardwalk” with The Temptations.  He then sort of disappears after the failure of his disco album. 

Guest stars and interviewees include Phil Collins, Elton John, Brian Wilson, and Grace Slick musing about Bruno’s influence on music and pop culture.  Ringo Starr states Bruno had a hand in forming The Beatles, The Bee Gees claim he helped them come up with Saturday Night Fever, and Paul Stanley asserts Bruno was the one who told KISS they should start wearing make-up.  Probably the funniest celebrity is Michael J. Fox who is obsessed with collecting “Bruno-abilia”.  The Return of Bruno came out the year before Die Hard made Bruce a megastar, but the fact that he could land such big names for what is essentially an HBO Comedy Special is pretty impressive. 

The interviews eventually give way to a performance where Bruno performs “Living in the USA”, “Down in Hollywood”, “Fun Time”, “Comin’ Right Up”, and “Jackpot (Bruno’s Bop)”.  What he may lack in musical prowess, he makes up for in stage presence as he leaps, runs, works the crowd, and cavorts with the musicians with boundless energy.  He’s clearly having the time of his life, and that kind of energy rubs off on the audience. 

Oh, and Bruce named his production company Hudson Hawk. 

As far as ‘80s actors-turned-musicians “movies” go, I still think I like Don Johnson’s Heartbeat better.  Still, this is a priceless time capsule anyway you look at it.  Any fan of Bruce (or Bruno) should check it out. 

THE HEAPING BOUNCY BREASTS THAT SMOTHERED A MIDGET (1988) * ½

Before he became best known as John Bacchus and made a bunch of softcore parodies for Seduction Cinema, Zachary Snygg directed a couple of shot on video films with long, outrageous titles.  Sad to say, The Heaping Bouncy Breasts That Smothered a Midget isn’t a patch on The Bloody Video Horror That Made Me Puke on My Aunt Gertrude. 

A teacher snaps and buys a bunch of guns.  He then turns vigilante and goes around killing people.  He even takes to offing the students who disrupt his class.  The kids eventually discover his secret and try to turn the tables on their tutor. 

I might’ve been more forgiving if this was called “Vigilante” or something, but the title is a total bait-and-switch.  At least The Bloody Video Horror That Made Me Puke on My Aunt Gertrude had a plot that matched its title.  (Even if there wasn’t an Aunt Gertrude to be found.)  I mean, not only are there no heaping bouncy breasts in sight; there isn’t even any women in the film!  What a rip off. 

Speaking of rip-offs, Snygg blatantly steals Ennio Morricone’s score from The Dollars Trilogy for the vigilante scenes and even stoops to ripping off the shootout from A Few Dollars More.  (Other scenes swipe Billy Idol’s “Dancing with Myself” and The Clash’s “Should I Stay or Should I Go”.)  It should be said that the shootouts are OK, considering the nonexistent budget. 

The budget was so low that there’s only three people in the cast.  In fact, most of the supporting characters are played by Snygg wearing different hats, fake mustaches, and using annoying voices.  None of his shtick is remotely funny, and it doesn’t even look like he tried to hide the fact he’s playing various roles.  Fortunately for Snygg, he got much better as he went along.  (This was his first film after all.)  Heck, in a decade’s time, he would actually be making movies featuring heaping bouncy breasts.  I think I’ll stick with those pictures. 

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN PRE-GAME: MONSTERS AND MANIACS (1988) ***

Hosted by Brinke Stevens, Monsters and Maniacs is an entertaining mix of horror documentary and clip show package.  While I don’t think anyone will glean any new information from the film, it remains breezy fun.  

The early going is especially amusing.  I loved how the filmmakers took the nameplates of the various horror stars from old trailers and edited them together to make it look like one big monster line-up in the opening credits.  From there, we get a brief history of vampires in cinema.  From Max Schreck to Bela Lugosi to Christopher Lee.  Then it’s on to Frankenstein.  What better way to follow that than with a segment on Boris Karloff and Bela Lugosi?  The films of the fifties are then featured, and are represented by the likes of The Thing from Another World, It! The Terror from Beyond Space, and Plan 9 from Outer Space.  There’s a segment on future stars getting their start in horror like Dennis Hopper (Queen of Blood), Jack Nicholson (The Little Shop of Horrors), and Steve McQueen (The Blob) too.  Next is a tribute to Hammer with films such as The Curse of Frankenstein, Horror of Dracula, and The Mummy.  Slashers and psychos are given their due in clips from Dementia 13, Alice Sweet Alice, and Blood Frenzy (which conveniently was written by Monsters and Maniacs director Ted Newson).  A look at giant apes (King Kong, Mighty Joe Young, and Konga) and lizards (The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms, The Giant Behemoth, and Godzilla) round out the collection.  There are also bits on Lon Chaney Jr., Abbott and Costello, Peter Lorre, Vincent Price, Herschell Gordon Lewis, and the immortal trailer for Psycho is shown too. 

Most of the clips are taken from trailers, public domain movies, and behind the scenes footage.  Most of this will be familiar to horror fans, but there are some cool bits along the way that aren’t usually featured in these sorts of things like Bela Lugosi putting the bite on poor Betty Boop.  (“You have booped your last boop!”)  The best parts though are the supercuts of similar scenes that are found across the various genres (like the montage of carriage chases involving Dracula).

Brinke is as fine of a hostess as you can expect.  The puns and banter are mostly kept to a minimum (except for the shtick with the guy in the hockey mask) as the focus is mainly on the clips themselves.  However, my favorite quip was “Gorgo was a tale of a mother’s love.  A very big mother with a very big tail!”

YOUNG WARRIORS (1983) ***

After his sister is brutally raped and murdered by a gang of thugs, Kevin (James Van Patten) gets his friends together and says, “Why don’t we go after them ourselves?  We’re not tied up with red tape and dumb fucking laws!”  They turn vigilante and begin riding around the city in their Jeep looking to keep the streets safe.  Needless to say, Kevin’s mom (Lynda Day George) and cop father (Ernest Borgnine) do not approve. 

This is actually a sequel to Malibu High, but the title was changed by distributors Cannon Films to presumably cash in on the success of The Warriors.  I don’t think it had anything to do with Malibu High anyway, since it takes place in college.  The opening crawl says, “These are the graduates of Malibu High and this is their story”, but there’s no linking characters or conjoining plot lines from that film. 

Like Malibu High it jumps from genre to genre on a dime.  It kicks off like your typical Animal House rip-off.  There’s a great opening graduation scene where a teen rides his motorcycle on stage and grabs his diploma.  We also get the standard tropes of frat boys partying, hazing pledges, and playing pranks.  (Pigs are stampeded through a frat house.)  Then in a blink of an eye, it becomes a Death Wish-style revenge flick. 

What’s refreshing about the movie is that Van Patten and his crew aren’t very good at being vigilantes.  They get beat up, arrested, shot, and one of their members even dies before they make a successful bust.  Heck, things get real dark when (Spoiler) the frat’s mascot Butch (Casper the Wonder Dog) gets killed during a raid.  I mean, they even mow down some kids carrying toy guns and they still keep patrolling the streets.  This eventually leads to a downbeat Peckinpah-inspired slow motion shootout with the gang. 

Then things get REAL depressing. 

Writer/director Lawrence D. Foldes also produced Malibu High, but this is very much its own thing.  Maybe he was going for one of those Halloween 3 deals.  Either way you would’ve never guessed it was a sequel anyway. 

What’s impressive about Young Warriors is the way Foldes keeps doubling down on the message that violence isn’t the answer.  You keep waiting for Van Patten and his crew to… you know… get good at their jobs of being Temu Guardian Angels, but it never happens.  If anything, they make the streets a lot more unsafe.  So, that’s intriguing and helps to separate the movie from countless other revenge films. 

The cast is good.  Van Patten is a bit bland, but that suits the character’s sociopathic tendencies.  Borgnine is fun as his exasperated father and George is solid as his grieving wife.  Richard Roundtree is kind of wasted as Borgnine’s partner though, which is the biggest disappointment.  Anne Lockhart is also in there as Van Patten’s girlfriend and Linnea Quigley has a brief nude scene as a girlfriend of one of the other vigilantes. 

AKA:  Malibu High.  AKA:  The Graduates of Malibu High.

EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE! PRESENTS KIDZ KLUB! (2022) ***

The good folks at Everything is Terrible! continue to do the Lord’s work.  Kidz Klub! is an hour-long compilation of the worst of the worst of TV shows, cartoons, PSAs, and movies aimed at kids.  It goes without saying that any compilation of this sort is bound to be uneven, but this one offers up plenty of amusement and lots of hearty chuckles.  Any fan of kiddie show ephemera will undoubtedly get a kick out of it. 

The clips come fast and furious.  Sometimes they appear in a stream of consciousness manner.  Other times they are connected by a loose theme like religion, the internet, the environment, or the police (which was the funniest).  The most entertaining moments occur when the clips are edited together to form sentences and/or conversations, which are usually punctuated with priceless reaction shots from kids, puppets, or creepy adults. 

Most of the material the video culls from comes from kids shows from the ‘90s.  That was a bit after my time, which helped since I had no clue what the hell about 95% of this shit was.  (I still recognized clips from Mac and Me, Cop and a Half, and Mr. Nanny though.)  Perhaps if you were a child of the ‘90s, more of the material will be familiar to you.  Not that it really matters, I guess.  Being blindsided by the wacky make-up, costumes, and puppets is part of the fun.  The number of stars that briefly pop (including Bill Paxton, Paulie Shore, and Kathy Lee Gifford) adds to the “Anything Goes” vibe. 

If there is a fault, it’s that the editing is a bit too rapid fire for its own good in some places.  Sometimes it goes so fast that it’s hard to catch your bearings and/or fully appreciate some of the whacked-out low-budget kiddie content.  That’s a relatively small complaint since Kidz Klub! keeps the laughs coming at a steady clip, which is what really matters in the end.  It will be a real trip for viewers young and old. 

AKA:  Kidz Klub!

SUMMER NIGHT FEVER (1978) *** ½

Given the title, you might think this would be a Saturday Night Fever rip-off, but that’s not really the case.  (It does have just enough disco scenes to stick into a trailer to make it look one though.)  It’s actually a German sex comedy that plays like a prototype for an American Horny Teenager movie.  The most surprising thing about Summer Night Fever is just how good it is. 

Peter (Stephane Hillel) and Freddy (Claude Obalski) take a trip through Europe hoping to score with as many women as possible.  The only problem is that Freddy has to bring his dorky sister Victoria along.  Since she’s played by Olivia Pascal, you know it’s only a matter of time before she loses her glasses and blossoms into a full-blown sexpot.  Anyway, Peter can’t even seem to make it to first base while the nerdy Freddy is scoring left and right.  It takes a while, but Peter eventually comes to his senses and realizes Victoria is the girl for him. 

Sure, the movie has plenty of T & A to go around, but there’s also a sweet coming of age story wrapped in there as well.  So many of these things get so invested in showing skin that they forget to have actual characters we care about.  I’m not saying character development is essential to a Horny Teenager movie.  What I will say is that I gladly tip my hat to the ones who manage to sneak it in there. 

Even the sexy situations the trio find themselves in help to advance the plot and/or their relationships.  (Like when Olivia finds herself aboard a swinger’s yacht.)  Sure, there are some unnecessary detours (like the scene with Gianni Garko as a man who hides under the bed with Freddy when his lover’s husband comes home early), but they still manage to be funny.  Oh, and for whatever reason the filmmakers forgot to dub one part into English, but it sort of adds to the humor of the scene as it features a couple who come back from skinny dipping to find their clothes have been stolen. 

The movie is a great showcase for Pascal.  She has a sweet scene early on where she makes herself pretty for the first time and flushes her retainer down the toilet.  It also helps that she practically spends the last act shirtless. 

The soundtrack is surprisingly good too.  Trans superstar Amanda Lear’s hypnotic “Follow Me” is used effectively during a party scene.  Gerry Rafferty’s “Baker Street” is also heard a couple of times too (long before it was used in Good Will Hunting). 

The best line comes courtesy of Peter when sees Freddy’s math teacher on a topless beach and quips, “I bet she knows how to multiply!” 

AKA:  Disco Summer.  AKA:  Hot Summer Night Fever.