THE 19TH ANNUAL VIDEO VACUUM AWARDS: AND THE WINNERS ARE…

Well, the world may be going to shit, but there’s always one thing you can count on, and that’s The Video Vacuum Awards.  Now in our 19th year, The Video Vacuum Awards are a celebration of the best (and worst) that Hollywood (and elsewhere) has to offer.  Most award shows spend way too much time on unnecessary crap, but not this one.  We get right down to business.  So with that, we present to you The 19th Annual Video Vacuum Awards already in progress…

BEST STRAIGHT TO VIDEO/STREAMING MOVIE

and the nominees are…

Devo

Frankenstein

The Hand That Rocks the Cradle

Havoc 

The Women Eaters!

and the winner is… DEVO!

BEST SEQUEL

and the nominees are…

Ballerina

Black Phone 2

Nobody 2

Predator:  Badlands

Tron:  Ares

and the winner is… PREDATOR:  BADLANDS!

BEST SCI-FI MOVIE

and the nominees are…

The Long Walk

Mickey 17 

Predator:  Badlands

The Running Man

Tron:  Ares

and the winner is… PREDATOR:  BADLANDS!

BEST REMAKE/REBOOT

and the nominees are…

Anaconda

Bugonia

The Fantastic Four:  First Steps 

The Naked Gun

Superman 

and the winner is… BUGONIA!

WORST HORROR MOVIE

and the nominees are…

Opus

Peter Pan’s Neverland Nightmare

Presence

The Toxic Avenger

Wolf Man

and the LOSER is… PETER PAN’S NEVERLAND NIGHTMARE!

BEST HORROR MOVIE

and the nominees are…

Black Phone 2

Companion

Heart Eyes

The Monkey

The Ugly Stepsister

and the winner is… COMPANION!

BEST COMEDY

and the nominees are…

Anaconda

Bugonia

Happy Gilmore 2

The Naked Gun

Spinal Tap 2:  The End Continues 

and the winner is… BUGONIA!

BEST ACTION MOVIE

and the nominees are…

Ballerina

Fight or Flight

Nobody 2

Novocaine

A Working Man

and the winner is… NOVOCAINE!

BEST ACTRESS

and the nominees are…

Elle Fanning in Predator:  Badlands

Madeliene McGraw in Black Phone 2

Lea Myren in The Ugly Stepsister

Emma Stone in Bugonia

Sophie Thatcher in Companion

and the winner is… EMMA STONE IN BUGONIA!

BEST ACTOR

and the nominees are…

Leonardo DiCaprio in One Battle After Another

Jesse Plemons in Bugonia

Jack Quaid in Companion

Jack Quaid in Novocaine

The Tapeworm in The Ugly Stepsister

and the winner is… JESSE PLEMONS IN BUGONIA!

BEST DIRECTOR

and the nominees are…

Dan Berk and Robert Olsen for Novocaine

Drew Hancock for Companion

Yorgos Lanthimos for Bugonia

Joachim Ronning for Tron:  Ares

Dan Tractenberg for Predator:  Badlands

and the winner is… YORGOS LANTHIMOS FOR BUGONIA!

WORST MOVIE

and the nominees are…

Peter Pan’s Neverland Nightmare

Star Trek:  Section 31

The Toxic Avenger

War of the Worlds

Wolf Man

and the LOSER is… WAR OF THE WORLDS!

BEST MOVIE

and the nominees are…

Bugonia

Companion

Novocaine

Predator:  Badlands

Tron:  Ares

and the winner is… BUGONIA!

It looks like Bugonia is this year’s big winner, taking home six awards.  Thanks to all the winners, losers, nominees, and constant readers of the Vacuum.  Till next year!

THE 19TH ANNUAL VIDEO VACUUM AWARDS: THE TECHNICAL AWARDS

Okay folks, the time is almost nigh.  The moment you’ve been waiting for is fast-approaching.  Of course, I’m talking about the announcement of the winners of The 19th Annual Video Vacuum Awards!  Before that though, we have to present the Technical Awards to the richly deserving winners.  The Technical Awards, if you remember are given to the best films in categories that didn’t have enough entries, so therefore, they are “technically” the winner.  So, without further ado, here we go!

WORST ACTION MOVIE

LOSER:  Den of Thieves:  Pantera

RUNNER-UP:  Mission:  Impossible:  The Final Reckoning

WORST COMEDY

LOSER:  Borderline

BEST DOCUMENTARY

WINNER:  Devo

BEST DRAMA

WINNER:  One Battle After Another

WORST DRAMA

LOSER:  Black Bag

BEST KIDS MOVIE

WINNER:  The Day the Earth Blew Up:  A Looney Tunes Movie

BEST MOVIE BASED ON A TV SHOW

The Naked Gun

WORST MOVIE BASED ON A TV SHOW

LOSER:  Star Trek:  Section 31

RUNNER-UP:  Mission:  Impossible:  The Final Reckoning

BEST MOVIE BASED ON A VIDEO GAME

Tron:  Ares

BEST PUBLIC DOMAIN SLASHER MOVIE

WINNER:  Popeye’s Revenge

RUNNER-UP:  Screamboat

WORST PUBLIC DOMAIN SLASHER MOVIE

LOSER:  Peter Pan’s Neverland Nightmare

RUNNER=UP:  Shiver Me Timbers

WORST REMAKE/REBOOT

LOSER:  War of the Worlds

RUNNER-UP:  The Toxic Avenger

WORST SCI-FI MOVIE

LOSER:  War of the Worlds

RUNNER-UP:  Star Trek:  Section 31

WORST SEQUEL

LOSER:  Star Trek:  Section 31

RUNNER-UP:  Jurassic World:  Rebirth

BEST STEPHEN KING MOVIE

WINNER:  The Long Walk

RUNNER-UP:  The Monkey

WORST STRAIGHT TO VIDEO/STREAMING MOVIE

LOSER:  War of the Worlds

RUNNER-UP:  Star Trek:  Section 31

BEST THRILLER

WINNER:  The Hand That Rocks the Cradle

WORST VAMPIRE MOVIE

LOSER:  Sinners

JOLENE IS IN TOWN (201?) ****

Sometimes my movie-watching habits take me down strange rabbit holes.  Sometimes those rabbit holes converge into an underground labyrinth of WTF Cinema. 

Remember a while back when I was watching all those Lingerie Fighting Championships?  Well, they were taken off Tubi and put back on the company’s site behind a paywall.  Because of that, I hadn’t watched one in a while, and you know what they say?  Absence makes the heart grow fonder.  Because of that, I’ve been jonesing to see my favorite LFC fighter, Jolene “The Valkyrie” Hexx back in action. 

This was not the action I was expecting. 

Okay, remember when I reviewed Eaten Alive:  A Tasteful Revenge?  That, of course, was the movie that cemented my love for W.A.V.E. Productions.  If you’ll recall, the plot had Debbie D. shrinking down naked women and eating them.  Now, at the time I had no idea that was a kink, but apparently “macrophilia” (the sexual attraction to giants) is a pretty (pardon the pun) big deal in some fetish circles. 

So, where do these paths cross?  One day I was curious to see what Jolene was up to, so I Googled her up and lo and behold I found Jolene is in Town.  Now, this isn’t exactly a movie.  I initially wasn’t going to review it since it’s essentially a short fetish clip, but because it’s roughly the same length as Eaten Alive (about twenty-five minutes), I figured I would give the film its due. 

Man, I wasn’t ready for this. 

So, basically, our girl Jolene is a giant who lords over a city.  (A decently constructed model, all things considered.)  No explanation is given why she’s so huge, and honestly, none is needed.  She just stomps around town and occasionally scoops up and eats citizens.  When she gets bored of that, she begins destroying the city, a building at a time. 

I’m not a macrophile, but while watching one of my favorite female fighters of all time stomping on and/or devouring people, I can honestly say I began to see the appeal.  I mean, if I had to be picked up and swallowed whole by a giantess, Jolene would be at the very top of my list. 

The camerawork is surprisingly good for what essentially is a fetish clip.  The shots of the camera looking up at Jolene menacing the town help convey her giantess stature better than you might expect.  I also loved the scenes where she presses her butt, tits, and lips against the window of an office building.  The POV shots of Hexx grabbing the camera and slowly shoving it into her mouth work really well too. 

The effects are about as good as they need to be.  The CGI for the bombers that attack Jolene are kind of cheesy but fit in with the B-Movie vibe.  She definitely looks hot while swatting them out of the air à la King Kong.  Now, every red-blooded monster fan loves King Kong, but I ask you:  Did King Kong ever twerk a skyscraper to death?  I think not. 

It was in scenes like this where I could glean the allure of the fetish.  One can only assume moments like these to be the proverbial money shot.  I could also understand the appeal of the scenes of Hexx literally talking down to the populace and stepping on them.  I mean, if you get off on verbal humiliation and being trampled upon, then this is that to the most extreme degree.  Foot fetish fans should also get a kick (no pun intended) from the scene where Jolene forces the citizens to give her a foot massage. 

Even when you take away the fact that this is a fetish video, you have to admit there in shit in this movie(ish) that you just don’t see every day.  That alone makes it highly recommended.  I know there are people out there with an armpit fetish.  If you do, just wait till you see the scene where Jolene picks up a Lilliputian citizen and smothers him in her armpit.  Somewhere I think Luis Bunuel is smiling. 

So, if you ever watched Allison Hayes in Attack of the 50 Foot Woman and thought to yourself… “WOULD”, then you should definitely check out Jolene is in Town.  

RETARD-O-TRON III (2013) ** ½

Here’s the third and as of this writing, final entry in the infamous mixtape series.  Whereas the first two collections had a certain structure, this one feels more like a hodgepodge.  The reoccurring bits aren’t nearly as entertaining this time out (like the cooking show scenes), and it all seems a bit tame compared to the previous installments.  At least there aren’t any Jackass style stunts and skateboarding accidents this time around. 

The most memorable bit revolves around some… shall we say… unorthodox karaoke.  It’s the Japanese clips that are probably the most fun.  They include a synchronized enema fountain, a naughty McDonald’s, a giant soda machine that dispenses topless girls, and a guide to dating that revolves around puking on your partner.  Other highlights showcase mixed wrestling, clips of awful R & B performers on public access TV, a montage of humongous breasts (some of which would make Mariko Morikawa look like a candidate for the Itty Bitty Titty Committee), spaghetti wrestling, a montage of Turkish rip-offs, and an interview with young rappers Kriss Kross.  Although this entry doesn’t have any movie trailers, there are plenty of film clips for connoisseurs of cinematic cheese like Bloodsport, Space Mutiny, The Outer Limits, Lou Ferrigno’s Hercules, Future Force, Linnea Quigley’s Horror Workout, Mr. No Legs, Strike Commando, The Believer’s Heaven, Don’t Go in the House, Easy, TerrorVision, Loose Shoes, Winterbeast, Light Blast, and Rhinestone.  There are also plenty of other wacky excerpts I couldn’t identify including some pretty wild looking Kung Fu, Japanese, and Bollywood movies. 

I will say the porn clips aren’t quite as shocking this time out.  Either that or maybe I’m just becoming more jaded.  Either way, this is a noticeable step down from its predecessors, but there’s still enough here to keep the curious entertained.  Just be sure you know what you’re getting yourself into first. 

RETARD-O-TRON II (2008) ***

Here is another warped mix tape courtesy of the depraved minds at Cinema Sewer.  Like its predecessor, it’s vulgar, disgusting, and often very funny.  The viewer litmus test can be found in the very first segment, which is a compilation of XXX blowjob clips of girls gagging who all sound like Donald Duck squawking.  It’s the kind of thing where once you hear it, you can’t unhear it.  If you already kind of shook your head at that description, then there’s probably no reason to read further. 

The clips from cheesy movies were my favorite bits.  Some of the best moments include the hopelessly white bread rap battle scene from Teen Witch, the turkey monster from Blood Freak, and the giant sheep from Godmonster of Indian Flats.  We also see snippets from the likes of The Killer Shrews, Pieces, Cool as Ice, Robot Monster, Demons 2, From Hell It Came, Lady Terminator, The Calamari Wrestler, Zaat!, Naked Blood, The Giant Claw, The Story of Ricky, and Johnny Sokko and His Flying Robot.  Trailers for Eat My Dust, Food of the Gods, Dead End Drive-In, Wonder Women, and Black Shampoo (“A woman entices!  A chainsaw slices!”) are also shown. 

Another fun running theme is the sections on failed TV pilots like The Man with the Power, Men of the Dragon, The Questor Tapes, ExoMan, Northstar, and Infiltrator.  One of the many highlights is a weird video of a naked Steve Vai fan offering herself up to the guitarist (which ends in a truly memorable way).  We are also treated to a bunch of oddball Japanese commercials, extreme wrestling matches, and Arnold Schwarzenegger clips (the funniest being his appearance on The Dating Game).

If you love compilations of weird B-movie shit and can stomach the sight of gonzo porn, you’ll probably dig it.  As with most of these kinds of things, your mileage may vary.  I for one could’ve done without the stuff with the graffiti artists, the Jackass wannabe clips, and the scenes of motorcycle and skateboarding tricks gone wrong.  The gross porn clips (which include women puking goldfish, jizz snorting, and disgusting bloopers) will probably be a dealbreaker for some, but this collection is just as fun, if not better than the first one. 

ONCE UPON A TIME IN AMITYVILLE (2024) **

No budget maverick Mark Polonia delivers what I believe is the first Amityville western.  In a franchise filled with exponentially more lows than highs, delivering a first for the series is worth something at the very least.  (Then again, since Amityville is in New York I guess that technically makes it an “eastern”.)

It’s 1846 and a couple of bounty hunters (Ken Van Sant and Titus Himmelberger) are after a bank robber named Mathias Black (Noyes J. Lawton).  The trail leads to a small town called (what else?) Amityville, where the townsfolk seem all too eager to have their new arrivals leave as soon as possible.  Turns out they are all under the spell of an evil entity who lords over the town.  It’s then up to our rugged pair of lawmen to confront the entity and set the town free. 

The surprising thing about Once Upon a Time in Amityville is that Polonia handles the western stuff rather well.  I’ve seen so many low budget westerns that look laughably inauthentic when it comes to their western settings.  This one isn’t so bad considering the budget he was working with. 

The Amityville scenes well… let’s just say it all plays out like your typical Polonia joint.  That’s not a knock really, especially if you’re a fan of his work and/or already know what you’re getting into.  I did like how he tried to tie some of the elements back (forward?) to the original movie (like the windows, the glowing eyes, and the flies). 

There are some laughably bad moments along the way.  The reveal of the evil entity will have you in stitches as it looks more or less like a dime store Halloween decoration.  The way it is dispatched is equally amusing.  That’s not quite enough to garner a full-on recommendation (the laughs are pretty scarce up until then), but it’s enough to signal that this is a decent enough fake Amityville (not to mention Polonia) flick. 

THE LAST AMITYVILLE MOVIE (2023) **

The Last Amityville Movie?  Well, we can hope.

A horror YouTuber (writer/director Josh Spiegel) releases a video about the latest Amityville movie, Amityville Zoo.  While his family is out of town, he stays at home making content.  Shortly after someone anonymously sends him a doorknob from the Amityville Horror house, weird things start happening.  He soon finds out that the doorknob carries the Amityville curse and the only way to lift it is to… make an Amityville movie. 

After being pleasantly surprised by the meta spoof Amityville Ripper, I figured I’d give another Amityville movie a shot.  I wasn’t expecting that this too would take the meta approach.  The early scenes of our hero talking about Amityville rip-offs are amusing.  It’s just that once he finds himself in one, the fun quickly dissipates. 

The biggest debit is that much of the film is set in the found footage mold as the story is told through a series of YouTube videos, Zoom calls, and Ring doorbell footage.  It’s essentially Paranormal Activity but with less money and a smaller cast.  The main character isn’t annoying or anything, but he’s not strong enough of a personality to sustain an entire feature, especially when long stretches of the movie are devoted to him all by his lonesome doing long monologues into the camera.  It also doesn’t help that most of the movie revolves around him investigating strange noises.  An hour or so of this may have been tolerable.  At ninety-five minutes, it just feels like a slog. 

Unlike most haunted house movies, this one at least has a plausible reason why our main character doesn’t just leave the house.  (There’s another pandemic going on.)  I also found it amusing how the film’s lone bit of nudity winds up inadvertently getting censored.  However, fun bits like this are more of an exception than the rule.  The CGI deaths are pretty crappy, and the ending is weak too.  Still, as far as fake Amityville movies go, you could do so much worse.