FULL METAL NINJA (1989) *** ½

Ah, the ‘80s.  Now that was a decade.  It was a time when distributors could slap the word “Ninja” on a video box and know that at least one poor schmo out there would rent it.  Some companies would even take the word “Ninja” and stick it into a pre-existing title like it was a game of Mad Libs.  Such is the case with Godfrey Ho’s hilariously titled Full Metal Ninja. 

The opening of the film belongs in a constant loop in the MoMA.  Two Ninjas in black try to mug a Ninja in yellow because as we all know, that’s typical Ninja behavior.  Years of training in the art of silent assassination just to shake down a guy for a few bucks. 

Oh, and how do we know these guys are Ninjas?  Because they all wear headbands that read “NINJA”.  Again, warriors who have devoted their lives to lurking in the shadows running around in broad daylight flagrantly advertising they are Ninjas. 

I love it. 

Oh, it gets better.  A Ninja in pink named Leon breaks things up and shoots one of the black Ninjas… with a MUSKET! 

Seriously, cinema peaked the day this was created. 

The lone survivor runs back to his master and says, “He had a gun.  It was the first time I’ve seen one close up and I don’t mind telling you it was a frightening experience!” 

Sprinkled in between these magnificent feats of moviemaking is the “real” plot.  Since this is a Godfrey Ho flick, the “real” plot is just an entirely different movie that producer Joseph Lai bought, dubbed, and added new Ninja footage to.  According to IMDb that film is called (I shit you not) Konan the Barbarian Swordsman.  It’s a period piece about a Mongol swordsman named Eagle looking for the men who murdered his wife.  

It helps enormously that the filler movie is pretty good.  I mean it’s just a series of scenes of our hero encountering the men who killed his wife and cutting them down.  Revenge flicks are pretty hard to screw up, and these guys did a good job all things considered.  I’m sure they had no idea when they were making this that their work would be slapped in the middle of a movie featuring Ninjas in pink sweatsuits. 

The way Ho integrates the two films is often hysterical.  After Eagle ambushes and kills a bunch of highwaymen, the pink Ninja pops out from behind a bush and says, “Hey, swordsman about teaching me some of those moves?”  The tired looking swordsman then relies, “Some other time” and the movie cuts to a new scene. 

The odd thing is you kind of get caught up with Eagle’s quest for revenge as there are a couple of unexpected twists that muddy the waters for him.  I won’t spoil it, but needless to say, this flick probably worked just as good if not better without the new footage of Leon the pink Ninja and his trusty musket.  However, I wouldn’t want to watch it any other way. 

Oh, but I do have to take a Half-Star off the rating since there are no Full Metal Ninjas to be seen.  Heck, I would’ve been happy with a Half Metal Ninja.  Oh well. 

AKA:  Metallic Fury.  AKA:  Konan the Barbarian Swordsman.

THE MAN FROM HONG KONG (1975) *** ½

Jimmy Wang Yu is an inspector from Hong Kong who comes to Australia to extradite a criminal (Sammo Hung).  Before he can get him on the plane home, the perp is shot dead by a mysterious assailant.  Yu soon becomes obsessed with bringing down the man responsible, the local Mr. Big (George Lazenby) who also happens to be a deadly Kung Fu expert. 

Directed by Brian (Leprechaun 3) Trenchard-Smith, The Man from Hong Kong is a blast of ‘70s goodness from start to finish.  It doesn’t get much more ‘70s than Kung Fu, hang gliding, and the soft rock theme song “Sky High”.  Trenchard-Smith does a great job at blending the action of Hong Kong martial arts films with the Ozploitation antics of his native soil.  Highlights include Lazenby giving Yu an impromptu “Kung Fu demonstration”, Yu single-handedly taking on an entire karate school, and an extended car chase.  I mean how many times do you get to see James Bond fight the One-Armed Swordsman? 

Trenchard-Smith also gives us one of the greatest edits of all time.  After Yu kicks Hung in the nuts, he cuts away to a rack of billiard balls being broken.  This is Cinema of the highest order.  In fact, Yu sets some kind of record for how many times a leading man hits people in the groin in a single movie. 

Yu is great in the lead.  What I liked about his character is that he often got sliced up, mangled, and beaten, but he kept coming back for more.  Some of the dubbing on Yu is hilarious too, especially when he’s mad.  (“Don’t give me any shit!”)  Lazenby is also fun as the sleazy villain who in one memorable scene plays William Tell with his arm candy at a cocktail party.  He even performs a pretty sweet fire stunt during the big climax.  We also have Aussie favorites such as Hugh Keays-Byrne as an undercover cop and Frank Thring as Lazenby’s secretary.  

I will admit some of this could’ve been trimmed back a bit.  The hang-gliding scenes, while picturesque, really drag.  That’s okay though because whenever Yu is busting heads, The Man from Hong Kong kicks ass. 

AKA:  Sky High.  AKA:  The Dragon Flies.

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: PRE-GAME: ANACONDA: DEATH COIL (2026) **

Xumo Play is kind of a lesser streamer but it’s one I still occasionally watch.  Anaconda:  Death Coil is the first Xumo Original I’ve ever seen.  I didn’t even know Xumo did original movies.  I guess they have to keep up with Tubi somehow. 

In case you’re wondering, this isn’t a sequel to the Jennifer Lopez movie.  (Or the Paul Rudd one.)  I assume that since you can’t really trademark the word “Anaconda”, you can make an Anaconda movie without Sony suing your pants off.  Because of this, it’s my sincere wish that Anaconda becomes the next Amityville type of franchise where anyone with a fake snake can make an Anaconda movie.  (Hopefully culminating in a crossover appropriately called Amityville Anaconda.)

Five friends head out into the woods for a girls’ weekend.  The creepy caretaker warns them not to venture into the woods, which of course one of them does.  She becomes Snake Chow and the rest of the gals go looking for her.  The ladies soon realize their haggard host is actually using them as sacrifices for his giant pet snake. 

Anaconda:  Blood Coil is another one of those British horror flicks that have been creeping over onto our shores in recent years like Winnie the Pooh:  Blood and Honey and Amityville Scarecrow.  It’s no Hammer, that’s for sure.  It’s one of those cheap horror films where characters say lines such as, “It’s like a bad movie” to excuse the cliches and its overall chintzy nature. 

The CGI snake isn’t bad exactly, it’s just that the filmmakers reuse the same shot of it slithering about way too many times.  The purple-tinged POV shots are likewise overused.  When it does come time for the Anaconda to get one of the ladies wrapped up in its “Death Coil”, the results are fairly decent, although the film really needed more kills of this caliber to be truly worthwhile.  Also, the climax, which takes place in the heart of the serpent’s lair, lacks… ahem… bite. 

The good news is the running time is a merciful seventy-four minutes.  Anything longer than that would’ve been overkill.  Fortunately, the filmmakers knew when to quit.  More contemporaries could take a page out of their playbook.

Overall, Anaconda:  Death Coil isn’t the first, last, best, or worst low-budget CGI snake movie I’ve seen.  It’s just the first one I’ve watched on Xumo Play.  That makes it at the very least notable. 

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN: PRE-GAME: RESIDENT EVIL (2026) ****

Sometimes, if you’re going to reboot a beloved franchise you have to start small.  I think director Zach Cregger knew deep down that the deck was stacked against him.  I mean, how can you possibly make a Resident Evil movie without Milla Jovovich?  Remember Welcome to Raccoon City?  Didn’t think so. 

Here’s how you crack the code:  Make people sort of forget you’re watching a Resident Evil movie.  Follow an immensely likable (if a bit squirrelly) guy named Bryan (Austin Abrams) as he makes his way to deliver a package to a hospital.  Have some very bad things happen to him in rapid succession.  Then… BAM!  Right when the shit starts to hit the fan, splash the Resident Evil title up on the screen.  In fact, the pre-title sequence is some of the best horror shit you’ll see all year.  

And the movie is just getting started.  

The way the film escalates is one of its many joys.  From one crazy infected woman to a squid-faced dog to a Baron Harkonnen-inspired fatty to an acid spewing grandpa, Cregger deftly keeps upping the ante.  He sends Bryan out of the frying pan and into the fire with skill, scares, and plenty of humor to spare.  This is one helluva rollercoaster. 

I didn’t like Cregger’s previous films Barbarian and Weapons, but there was enough there in both pictures that suggested he had potential.  He really shows us what he’s got in Resident Evil.  Cregger blends horror and humor the way guys like Raimi and Dekker did back in the ‘80s. 

He even embraces the confines of a video game movie better than just about anyone.  While not a strict adaptation of the game, the way Abrams looks for keys and ammunition feels very much like a video game.  Even the first-person sequences are well done mostly, because they occur organically in the film and creep in almost subliminally. 

The movie really belongs to Adams.  The Oscar race starts now.  If Cregger got Amy Madigan an Oscar for Weapons, he can get one for Abrams.  He is very nearly the whole show as his reactions are downright hysterical, mostly because they feel genuine.  He never gets “movie scared”.  He acts scared the same way you and I would:  Screeching, jumping, cursing, and sometimes just walking away muttering under his breath.  (“Stupid fucking monster.”)  This is a performance that stacks up there with Bruce Campbell in the Evil Dead movies, but with a style all his own.  I mean some people just shouldn’t have to go through what this poor dope goes through.  Because he’s so likable, the audience’s empathy is squarely with Abrams and we root him on even in the face of certain disgusting, pulsating, slobbery death. 

Resident Evil is a treat.  It’s a goddamn horror fan’s delight.  It’s the best movie based on a video game of all time.  Check it out ASAP. 

THE RETURN OF BRUNO (1987) ***

When I was a kid, one of the first records I ever owned was Bruce Willis’ The Return of Bruno.  He was then (and still) one of my favorite actors and I unironically loved the album, especially “Comin’ Right Up” and “Jackpot (Bruno’s Bop)”.  Somehow, I never saw the accompanying HBO Special.  I guess I always assumed it was just a concert where Bruce plays the songs from the album, but it’s actually a star-studded mockumentary.  This is Spinal Tap it is not, but for fans of ego-stroking vanity projects, it’s a must-see. 

This is essentially a “Where are They Now” type of program hosted by none other than Dick Clark about the rise and fall of a musician named Bruno Radoloni (Willis).  He plays on American Bandstand, performs at Woodstock, experiments with psychedelic music, and sings “Under the Boardwalk” with The Temptations.  He then sort of disappears after the failure of his disco album. 

Guest stars and interviewees include Phil Collins, Elton John, Brian Wilson, and Grace Slick musing about Bruno’s influence on music and pop culture.  Ringo Starr states Bruno had a hand in forming The Beatles, The Bee Gees claim he helped them come up with Saturday Night Fever, and Paul Stanley asserts Bruno was the one who told KISS they should start wearing make-up.  Probably the funniest celebrity is Michael J. Fox who is obsessed with collecting “Bruno-abilia”.  The Return of Bruno came out the year before Die Hard made Bruce a megastar, but the fact that he could land such big names for what is essentially an HBO Comedy Special is pretty impressive. 

The interviews eventually give way to a performance where Bruno performs “Living in the USA”, “Down in Hollywood”, “Fun Time”, “Comin’ Right Up”, and “Jackpot (Bruno’s Bop)”.  What he may lack in musical prowess, he makes up for in stage presence as he leaps, runs, works the crowd, and cavorts with the musicians with boundless energy.  He’s clearly having the time of his life, and that kind of energy rubs off on the audience. 

Oh, and Bruce named his production company Hudson Hawk. 

As far as ‘80s actors-turned-musicians “movies” go, I still think I like Don Johnson’s Heartbeat better.  Still, this is a priceless time capsule anyway you look at it.  Any fan of Bruce (or Bruno) should check it out. 

THE HEAPING BOUNCY BREASTS THAT SMOTHERED A MIDGET (1988) * ½

Before he became best known as John Bacchus and made a bunch of softcore parodies for Seduction Cinema, Zachary Snygg directed a couple of shot on video films with long, outrageous titles.  Sad to say, The Heaping Bouncy Breasts That Smothered a Midget isn’t a patch on The Bloody Video Horror That Made Me Puke on My Aunt Gertrude. 

A teacher snaps and buys a bunch of guns.  He then turns vigilante and goes around killing people.  He even takes to offing the students who disrupt his class.  The kids eventually discover his secret and try to turn the tables on their tutor. 

I might’ve been more forgiving if this was called “Vigilante” or something, but the title is a total bait-and-switch.  At least The Bloody Video Horror That Made Me Puke on My Aunt Gertrude had a plot that matched its title.  (Even if there wasn’t an Aunt Gertrude to be found.)  I mean, not only are there no heaping bouncy breasts in sight; there isn’t even any women in the film!  What a rip off. 

Speaking of rip-offs, Snygg blatantly steals Ennio Morricone’s score from The Dollars Trilogy for the vigilante scenes and even stoops to ripping off the shootout from A Few Dollars More.  (Other scenes swipe Billy Idol’s “Dancing with Myself” and The Clash’s “Should I Stay or Should I Go”.)  It should be said that the shootouts are OK, considering the nonexistent budget. 

The budget was so low that there’s only three people in the cast.  In fact, most of the supporting characters are played by Snygg wearing different hats, fake mustaches, and using annoying voices.  None of his shtick is remotely funny, and it doesn’t even look like he tried to hide the fact he’s playing various roles.  Fortunately for Snygg, he got much better as he went along.  (This was his first film after all.)  Heck, in a decade’s time, he would actually be making movies featuring heaping bouncy breasts.  I think I’ll stick with those pictures. 

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN PRE-GAME: MONSTERS AND MANIACS (1988) ***

Hosted by Brinke Stevens, Monsters and Maniacs is an entertaining mix of horror documentary and clip show package.  While I don’t think anyone will glean any new information from the film, it remains breezy fun.  

The early going is especially amusing.  I loved how the filmmakers took the nameplates of the various horror stars from old trailers and edited them together to make it look like one big monster line-up in the opening credits.  From there, we get a brief history of vampires in cinema.  From Max Schreck to Bela Lugosi to Christopher Lee.  Then it’s on to Frankenstein.  What better way to follow that than with a segment on Boris Karloff and Bela Lugosi?  The films of the fifties are then featured, and are represented by the likes of The Thing from Another World, It! The Terror from Beyond Space, and Plan 9 from Outer Space.  There’s a segment on future stars getting their start in horror like Dennis Hopper (Queen of Blood), Jack Nicholson (The Little Shop of Horrors), and Steve McQueen (The Blob) too.  Next is a tribute to Hammer with films such as The Curse of Frankenstein, Horror of Dracula, and The Mummy.  Slashers and psychos are given their due in clips from Dementia 13, Alice Sweet Alice, and Blood Frenzy (which conveniently was written by Monsters and Maniacs director Ted Newson).  A look at giant apes (King Kong, Mighty Joe Young, and Konga) and lizards (The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms, The Giant Behemoth, and Godzilla) round out the collection.  There are also bits on Lon Chaney Jr., Abbott and Costello, Peter Lorre, Vincent Price, Herschell Gordon Lewis, and the immortal trailer for Psycho is shown too. 

Most of the clips are taken from trailers, public domain movies, and behind the scenes footage.  Most of this will be familiar to horror fans, but there are some cool bits along the way that aren’t usually featured in these sorts of things like Bela Lugosi putting the bite on poor Betty Boop.  (“You have booped your last boop!”)  The best parts though are the supercuts of similar scenes that are found across the various genres (like the montage of carriage chases involving Dracula).

Brinke is as fine of a hostess as you can expect.  The puns and banter are mostly kept to a minimum (except for the shtick with the guy in the hockey mask) as the focus is mainly on the clips themselves.  However, my favorite quip was “Gorgo was a tale of a mother’s love.  A very big mother with a very big tail!”