ROCK ‘N’ ROLL #3: SEXY GIRLS, SEXY GUNS (1987) ***

 

Remember the video featuring sexy girls shooting guns that Samuel L. Jackson is watching in Jackie Brown?  I think this is where Quentin Tarantino got the inspiration from.  Heck, this might even be where The Cramps got their inspiration for “Bikini Girls with Machine Guns”. 

Apparently, the first two volumes in the Rock ‘n’ Roll series had men shooting various types of guns.  The filmmakers must’ve got the memo that nobody wanted to see that shit, so they wisely spiced it up by putting hot girls in there instead.  The results are certainly something.  It plays like a mash-up of a bikini video centerfold and gun catalogue. 

The models, we learn, are mostly aspiring actresses and/or college students from the San Diego area.  They merely stand in the middle of the desert while firing a machine gun (along with a slow-motion replay or two) while their narration rattles off the specs of that model of weapon.  Many admit they have never held a gun let alone fired a machine gun before, which leads to some awkward moments. 

First up is Lillian, who wears a pink bikini and fires an MPK.  (“Those Germans really know how to make a machine gun!”)  Rosie wears a gold bikini while shooting an A2K MP5.  Angela appears next in a pink bikini firing the same weapon.  Then it’s Denise (“This tape will make an interesting addition to my resume!”), who wears a ripped T-shirt with leopard print thong while firing an AK-47.  Next, it’s Tani Jo firing a MAC-10 in a pink bikini.  Kathy appears afterwards firing another AK-47 while wearing a weightlifting uniform.  Rhonda is next wearing a red bathing suit and shooting another A2K MP5.  Then, it’s Julie’s turn to shoot an M-16 while wearing a black tank top and polka dot mini-skirt.  A different Kathy is next, appearing in a two-toned bathing suit and shooting an M-14.  Adrianna follows shooting an UZI in a skimpy silver bikini.  Afterwards, Tish, who wears a black bikini top and zebra striped pants, shoots an old school Tommy gun.  Lisa shows up in a lacy black number shooting a H & K G-3.  She’s followed by Ann in a sexy black bikini testing an M-16.  Dottie rounds out the tape wearing a white button up top and matching thong while rattling off an UZI. 

Some may be disappointed that there is no variety here.  The scenes of girls, guns, and factoids are all rather interchangeable.  Then again, when you have girls in bikinis firing machine guns, who needs variety?

DEATHSTALKER (2025) ****

Produced by Slash, of Guns N’ Roses fame, Deathstalker is an update of the Roger Corman classic.  The original was one of the best sword and sorcery movies of the ‘80s.  This one is even better. 

Daniel Bernhardt is the title character, a dashing rogue who scavenges battlefields for loot.  While out foraging, he stumbles upon a cursed amulet (which may have the power to bring about the end of the world) and becomes intertwined with its fate.  With the help of a diminutive wizard (voiced by Patton Oswalt), Deathstalker tries to free himself of the trinket.  Eventually, he says, what the heck, and decides to save the universe. 

They say they don’t make ‘em like they used to.  Director Steven (Leprechaun Returns) Kostanski proves them wrong.  Deathstalker is an unabashed throwback to the glory days of the ‘80s, brimming with practical effects, rubbery monsters, and lots of gore.  There are plenty of nods to the original movies, and even a reference to the immortal Sword and the Sorcerer that I’m sure fans will love. It may be a tad long at one-hundred-and-two minutes but far be it from me to complain about getting too much of a good thing.  

Bernhardt is a lot of fun in the title role.  Early in his career, he sometimes had an awkward screen presence, but that was easy to overlook because his physicality was undeniable.  Now he’s grown in leaps and bounds in front of the camera, and the role of a lovable rake fits him like a glove.  The vocal performance by Oswalt as the wizard Doodad garners plenty of laughs too. 

Some of the rubbery effects are genuinely impressive and others are bad on purpose.  It’s the deadpan acceptance of all the creatures big and small, cheap and (somewhat) expensive that make it work.  The movie doesn’t wink at the camera the way… say… Deathstalker 2 did.  This one has genuine affinity for its inhabitants, which is what makes it special.  Deathstalker’s slavish adherence to ‘80s special effects is endearing enough (I feel obliged to give any movie made in 2025 that features a scene of stop-motion skeleton warriors sword fighting Four Stars on general principles), but the knowing humor and unexpected heart make it a modern classic. 

NAUGHTY DALLAS (1964) **

Small town girl Toni Shannon leaves her family and heads off to Dallas with dreams of becoming a dancer.  (“If I don’t get into show business, I’ll just come back home and pick cotton!”)  After spending a lot of time walking around “The Big D”, Toni eventually tries her hand at burlesque. 

Writer/director Larry (Mars Needs Women) Buchanan shot Naughty Dallas on location at a real strip club in Dallas.  It was shot silently, so the “plot” scenes are filled with long reams of narration from a narrator, Shannon, and other random characters.  People only shut their trap once the dancing finally occurs.  

Too bad many of the dance numbers are flatly filmed.  Peggy Steele is up first.  Buchanan basically plants the camera and lets the number play out.  It’s not very lively till the very end.  Up next is Jada, a vivacious redhead.  This number is a lot more energetic and at least features a little camera movement.  She’s followed by Susanna Long’s semi-comical routine where she removes about a dozen different skirts.  Then it’s the Moran Sisters, who dress like French maids.  If you’re into sisters AND French maids, then this routine is for you!  Colleen Conover is next, and her blasé attitude coupled with the constant cutaways to the leering patrons undermines the effectiveness of this sequence.  Finally, it’s Toni’s turn to shine!  Unfortunately, she gets cold feet about halfway through her performance and runs off stage.  After a pep talk from the star of the show, Kim Ataz (who does a Turkish themed dance), Toni’s confidence is restored. 

Ataz’s number is lively as it’s full of backbends and splits, but Buchanan doesn’t do her any favors by keeping the camera so far away from the stage.  Then Jada gives an encore performance, and it’s a fiery high-energy number.  If only the rest of the dances were of this caliber, Naughty Dallas could’ve been a real winner. 

The only segments with synchronized sound are the ones featuring the emcees and the burlesque comedians.  The first is a guy who plays banjo, who isn’t exactly laugh-out-loud funny, but I’ve certainly seen worse in these sorts of things. The next is a comedian who dresses like Mother Goose and does dirty rhymes.  I wonder if Andrew “Dice” Clay saw this. 

AKA:  Mondo Exotica.  AKA:  Life in the Raw.  AKA:  Naughty Cuties.

BONE LAKE (2025) ***

It takes a lot to make this jaded movie fan’s jaw drop, but let me tell you something folks, my jaw hit the floor before the words “Bone Lake” even appeared on screen.  Like, I know you can show a lot in movies nowadays, but I didn’t know you could show… THAT.  Having said that, I must now say that once my jaw returned to its normal state, it did not drop again.  Still, as far as attention getters go, the pre-title scene is a classic. 

Sage (Maddie Hasson) and Diego (Marco Piggosi) rent a luxurious Airbnb for a romantic getaway.  Much to their chagrin, another couple arrives claiming they have also booked the house.  At first, Will (Alex Roe) and Cin (Andra Nichita) seem kind of chill, so Sage and Diego grudgingly let them share the spacious mansion.  Eventually, the interlopers begin showing their true colors as they try to manipulate the vacationers into cheating on each other.  It doesn’t take long before the couple’s “game” turns deadly. 

Bone Lake is essentially a ‘90s “From Hell” thriller with a new coat of paint.  And the color of the paint is Blood Red.  This time, the gimmick is an Airbnb from Hell.  Now, the “double booked Airbnb” is fast becoming a standard trope in Hollywood these days.  Every time I see one of these things, I just think to myself, “Y’all would’ve been just fine if you stayed at a Holiday Inn instead.” 

A movie like this that has limited locations and a small cast pretty much lives and dies by the acting.  I’m glad to report that our core four came to play.  As the uptight couple, Piggosi and Hasson kind of look like Temu versions of Pedro Pascal and Florence Pugh.  They’re pretty good too.  Roe and Nichita are also fun as the couple who are hiding a secret.   

I already mentioned the crazy opening, but the finale is no slouch either as it contains at least two showstopping kills.  Although the first and last five minutes are applause-worthy, the middle eighty minutes or so, while solid, pales in comparison as it all plays more or less like a standard thriller.  It’s those bloody bookends that make it really stand out from the rest of the pack though.  

I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER (2025) ***

The I Know What You Did Last Summer movies have always lived in the shadow of the Scream franchise.  That’s why it was no surprise that when the Scream films gained renewed traction at the box office, we received word a new Summer flick was in the works.  Like 2022’s Scream, it’s a legacy sequel that uses the same title as the original. 

Five teens get high and drunk and inadvertently cause a passing car to go careening off a cliff.  They make a pact to never speak of the incident, and one year later, they begin receiving ominous messages claiming that someone knows what they did last summer.  Pretty soon, they are attacked by a killer dressed like a goth version of the Gorton’s Fisherman.  They then reach out to the survivors of the original Fisherman murders to help them survive. 

I had my guard down on this one.  I genuinely wasn’t expecting to enjoy it as much as I did.  The first kill scene where a dopey dude bro is attacked with a spear gun is a lot of fun.  The moment he tried bribing the killer with cryptocurrency I knew I was in for a good time. 

Yes, I Know What You Did Last Summer ’25 is dumb fun, and exactly in that order.  The kills are solid, the body count is healthy, and the leads are mostly likable.  (Madelyn Cline and Sarah Pidgeon are the two standouts.)  I always get a kick out of the unbelievable stupidity of characters in horror movies, but this one features some next level shit.  The best moment is when a guy turns down an opportunity to have rough sex with his girlfriend so he can… charge his phone!  Wow.  Another dude gets so drunk he walks right by the killer and doesn’t even notice him.  In fact, the killer stands IN FRONT OF A STATUE, and the guy still doesn’t see him.  Most of the time in these sorts of things, the killer will hide BEHIND something, but in this one he’s like RIGHT THERE and the guy is just fucking oblivious.  Some folks just get what they deserve, I guess.  Add in the hilarious way they resort to bringing an original cast member back from the dead and one of the dopiest killer reveals in recent memory (“You shouldn’t call me crazy.  It’s SOOOO reductive!”), and you got yourself some completely brainless, but highly entertaining slasher shenanigans. 

Look, I’m not saying this is some under the radar camp classic or anything.  What I am saying is I laughed longer and harder at this movie than most actual comedies.  For me at least, that’s enough. 

Original star Jennifer Love Hewitt gets the best lines like, “Nostalgia’s overrated!  Who cares!”  The callback to the original’s iconic, “WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?” is also liable to have you in stitches.  The biggest laugh though comes when Hewitt looks the new Final Girl dead in the face and asks, “WHAT DID YOU DO LAST SUMMER?!?”

THE TESTAMENT OF ANN LEE (2025) **

“Prosthetic butthole”. 

I read an interview recently where Amanda Seyfried said she wore a prosthetic butthole for this movie.  I am not lying when I say that the moment that sentence concluded, I added The Testament of Ann Lee to my watchlist.  Nothing, and I mean nothing will make me see a movie quicker than combining the words “Amanda Seyfried” and “prosthetic butthole”. 

Much to my chagrin, this is one of those movies that is set in the same mold as The VVitch where everyone speaks Olde English and whispers their dialogue in hushed tones.  There’s also a bunch of fancy period appropriate calligraphy during the chapter breaks and shit to remind you how slavish the production was to getting all the period details right.  To make matters worse, the prosthetic butthole is barely in it. Bummer. 

Seyfried stars as Ann, a deeply religious woman who eventually forms The Shakers.  They earn their moniker from the shaking and convulsing that the members exhibit when they are in the throes of religious ecstasy.  One prolonged bout of religious display gets Ann sent to jail and while imprisoned, she has powerful visions.  Imbued with the power of God, she sets out to spread her gospel to the New World. 

The most interesting aspect of the movie occurred early on when Ann’s husband, played by Christopher Abbott, tries some Fifty Shades of Grey shit on her to mimic religious ecstasy in the bedroom.  I think this was the scene where she wore the prosthetic butthole, but we never really get a close-up of it.  I’m guessing it was less of a “prosthetic butthole” and more of an “ass merkin”.  Kind of a rip-off, if you ask me. 

Once Ann orders that all who become members of her sect must remain celibate, my interest started to wane.  The biggest problem though is all the musical numbers of parishioners dancing and gallivanting around.  Seyfried and company will randomly burst out into spiritual numbers in the middle of a scene, and the songs don’t really have any emotional and narrative resonance.  I’ve got to be honest with you, a little of this goes a long way. 

That said, I stuck with it to the bitter end.  And, yes, I was bitter that Amanda’s end wasn’t properly featured.  However, the fact that I kept watching this is a testament to my devotion to Seyfried. 

SUPER BOOBS VOL. 1 (199?) ** ½

This Something Weird compilation packs a bunch of shorts featuring buxom beauties into a two-hour block.  Some are better than others, as is usually the case with these sorts of things.  Then again, it’s hard to nitpick when many of the boobs on display are super.  You can’t accuse it of false advertising, that’s for sure.

Short #1:  “Untitled” A busty blonde does a striptease on a burlesque stage.  Her stilted routine and deer-in-headlights demeanor detract from this color short, but her upper body is definitely worthy of the collection’s moniker.  (**)

Short #2:  “Movie Model” This is a nudie loop featuring a short haired blonde disrobing in her living room.  Her massive mammaries are on full display for most of the running time and are the main focal point throughout.  Too bad the boorish droning British narrator takes a lot of the fun out of it. (** ½)

Short #3:  “The Big Bust” A topless maid pours herself a drink.  She eventually gets naked and writhes around on an animal pelt.  This one starts off well enough, but like the previous short, the narration doesn’t match the action, which quickly becomes irksome. (** ½)

Short #4:  “Untitled” An older looking model removes her negligee and poses for the camera.  Later, she dons different lingerie and strips out of that too.  If you can get past the fact the model isn’t very photogenic (she even has a tattoo, which is kind of rare for an old timey loop) you might enjoy it, if only because of her heavy hangers. (**)

Short #5:  “Buxom Blonde” A blonde in a Santa Claus hat strips, plays cards, does some stretching exercises, and makes a phone call.  This is another segment in which the annoying audio (taken from some random nudie movie) spoils much of the fun.  The model is extremely cute though, even if the short never takes full advantage of the Santa Claus motif. (** ½)

Short #6:  “The Sea Siren” A busty brunette chops wood topless.  She eventually decides her pants are interfering with her lumberjack duties and takes them off too.  She then goes for a dip in a nearby creek (not exactly the “sea”, but it’ll do in pinch).  Just when I think I’ve seen it all, along comes a topless lumberjack.  Not only did it restore my faith in this collection, but it restored my faith in humanity as well.  Not only that, but the model kinda looks like Marilyn Monroe and has the best body in the entire compilation.  Oh, and to top it all off, the scene is partially backed by the great toe-tapping tune “The Right Kind” from The Kiss of Her Flesh.  What more can you ask for?  Super indeed! (****)

Short #7:  “The Forest Nymph” A woman wakes up beside a pond wearing nothing but a lei and a hula skirt.  She then proceeds to topless hula dance.  Every time she falls back asleep, she awakens wearing a different flimsy garment.  This one has a fun gimmick and the model’s enthusiasm looks genuine, making for a good time all around. (***)

Short # 8:  “Hold Me” A sexy redhead disrobes on a chez lounge.  The use of the Something Weird favorite, “Hot Blooded Woman” synchs up pretty well here.  It’s enough to make you wish they only used songs and instrumentals from their other releases and scrapped all the dialogue snippets. (****)

Short # 9:  “Slightly High” A classy dame strips while lounging in bed.  She then changes into a sheer nightgown (but not for long).  This is a simple, but effective loop made memorable by a genuinely sexy model. (***)

Short #10:  “Rip Tide” A nude brunette with a premium chassis suns herself on her patio furniture.  She then decides to splash her feet in the pool.  There really isn’t much to this one, but the fact that the model has arguably the best body in the entire collection makes it a winner. (*** ½)

This compilation suffers from some definite highs and lows.  Then again, all the models have super boobs, which is important when you’re starring in something called Super Boobs Vol. 1.  Besides, the fact that the best segments are weighted towards the back half means things end on a high note.  Had things trended in the opposite direction, the whole enterprise might’ve gone tits up.