CRIME STORY (1996) ** ½

I remember renting this when it first came out but the tape was messed up, so I couldn’t watch past the first five minutes.  The store didn’t have another copy, so I never got around to checking it out.  Till now. 

Jackie Chan is a detective trying to foil the kidnapping of a crooked businessman.  He soon becomes suspicious of the detective he’s been partnered with.  Before long, he’s convinced the potentially crooked cop is the mastermind behind the abduction. 

Directed by Kirk Wong, Crime Story is definitely an outlier in Chan’s filmography.  I do find it interesting that one of the things that made Chan balk at becoming an action star in America during his brief stint in Hollywood in the ‘80s was his resistance to being groomed as a serious action hero, preferring to keep his jovial comical persona that he perfected in his Hong Kong movies.  However, Crime Story finds him in Hong Kong playing the kind of role he wasn’t keen on in America.  It’s a tough, mean, and sometimes violent movie; a real departure for Jackie to be sure. 

That’s not to say the stunt work isn’t great.  (There’s an impressive scene during a car chase where Chan drives a car down a steep incline.)  It’s just that it relies heavily on car chases and shootouts rather than the usual comedic hand-to-hand fighting and stunts we normally associate with Jackie.  We still get an okay fight scene atop some bamboo scaffolding and a snappy one on one fight between Chan and a suspect in the police station though. 

The results are fine.  It’s watchable.  The pacing is decent and the action is strong enough to give it a marginal recommendation.  (Lots of stuff goes boom in the finale.)  It’s just that if you’re looking for the heart, inventiveness, humor, and frankly, fun that made Chan a legend, you won’t find it here. 

Wong later came to America and directed Mark Wahlberg in The Big Hit (which incidentally felt more like a Chan movie than this one). 

AKA:  Hard to Die.  AKA:  New Police Story.  AKA:  Police Dragon.  AKA:  Serious Crimes Squad.

THE INSTRUCTOR (1984) ***

Bob Chaney IS The Instructor.  When he’s not imparting wisdom to his young karate students, he’s trying to avoid conflicts with the rival karate school in town.  After his best friend Thumper is severely beaten, The Instructor goes out for revenge. 

The Instructor is exactly the kind of Grade Z regional low budget action film I enjoy.  It contains equal amounts of awful and awesome, and the results are enormously entertaining more often than not.  If you were a fan of movies like Miami Connection and Champagne and Bullets, you should definitely check it out. 

Chaney (who looks like Burt Reynolds after receiving a nasty bee sting) is OK in the lead, but it’s the character of Mr. Fender that deserves recognition.  He has got to be the strangest supporting character I’ve seen in a long time.  He’s a middle-aged dude with Special Needs who picks his nose and looks like Dom DeLuise.  When we first see him, he’s running around town in a Ninja outfit trying to beat up little kids.  Later, during a big karate tournament, we inexplicably hear his inner monologue as he rationalizes stealing a trophy in the middle of a fight, which leads to tragedy.  His inclusion into this tomfoolery certainly adds to the WTF Factor. 

The fight scenes are mostly inept, but there are a few legitimately great moments sprinkled about.  I liked the early scene where Chaney takes on a Warriors-inspired gang and the part where his female student fends off some rapists works well too.  However, it’s the extended chase sequence that concludes the film that is the most memorable (and professional).  This scene features everything but the kitchen sink;  Corvettes, dirt bikes, chainsaws, waterfalls…  You name it, it’s got it.  It’s curious that the karate fights may actually be the weakest parts of the movie, which is odd considering it’s called… The Instructor. 

This was a “one and done” deal for Chaney and the director Don Bendell, who also played his best friend, Thumper.  Neither made any movies before or since.  I guess they wanted to quit while they were ahead. 

MOLE MEN AGAINST THE SON OF HERCULES (1964) ** ½

Mole Men Against the Son of Hercules was part of a series of Italian musclemen movies that were repackaged and redubbed by Avco Embassy Pictures who sold them directly to American TV as “Sons of Hercules” adventures.  This one stars Mark Forest as Maciste.  You might remember him from The Terror of Rome Against the Son of Hercules in which he also played the same character. 

As far as the Sons of Hercules go, Maciste is probably the best of them.  When most guys go fishing, they’re lucky if they catch a tuna.  This guy reels in a whale in the opening scene.

This time out, Maciste battles a race of albino warriors who live underground called Mole Men who get killed whenever they go out into the sun.  They sneak to the surface at night and kidnap villagers who are used as slaves in their underground lair.  Maciste rescues Bangor (Paul Wynter) from their clutches, then decides to get recaptured so he can save the villagers.  Naturally, the evil queen (Moira Orfei) who lords over the Mole Men falls for Maciste.

Forest is solid in the lead.  He’s nothing special or anything, but he gets the job done.  Orfei is a feast for the eyes though.  She is a busty beauty who makes for an ideal evil queen who dresses like a Vegas showgirl after a three-day bender.  Wynter also does a fine job as his sidekick Bangor.  Speaking of which, as always in these movies, the “Sons of Hercules” theme song is a real banger. 

The highlight of the silliness comes when Maciste battles an ape man in a cage match for the hand of the queen in marriage.  The monster is equal parts awful and awesome as it resembles Trog on steroids.  Another good scene comes when the queen hooks Maciste to a contraption that looks like a cross between a torture rack and a home gym and makes him lift weights until he croaks (which of course, he doesn’t). 

Mole Men Against the Sons of Hercules works in fits and starts, but the weak finale kind of prevents it from garnering a *** rating.  Still, it remains mildly amusing for fans of this sort of stuff.  One thing of note is the dubbing pronounces our hero’s name as more of “Majest-is” rather than the traditional “My-cheesesteak”, which probably won’t matter to the casual viewer.  For folks like me who’ve seen at least a half dozen or so of these things, it’ll feel strange. 

AKA:  Maciste and the Night Queen.  AKA:  The Strongest Man in the World.  AKA:  Mole Men vs. the Son of Hercules.

THE BOUNCER (2019) ** ½

Jean-Claude Van Damme stars a bouncer and single father who’s just trying to make ends meet.  A cop approaches him to narc on the owner of the club, who is obviously into some shady shit.  Pretty soon, his boss has him running “errands”, and he quickly works up the ranks and becomes his bodyguard.  Van Damme eventually learns the hard way the criminals are more trustworthy than the police. 

The Bouncer is an ideal kind of vehicle for Van Damme at this stage of his career as it allows him to flex both his fighting and acting muscles in equal measure.  He does a lot with a little as he relies less on dialogue (which is quite sparse) and more on his weary reactions to the predicaments he finds himself involved in.  I think this is definitely the kind of role Van Damme should be taking nowadays.  His performance is easily the best thing about the movie, and one only wishes the script was a bit tighter.  It’s also unfortunate that no one else in the cast even comes close to matching the level of his performance. 

In terms of action, the film is a bit of a mixed bag.  The highpoint is the scene where Van Damme interviews for a bouncing job.  All the applicants must fight each other in all-out brawl, with the last man standing receiving the job.  One or two more sequences of this caliber would’ve easily put this into *** territory.  It’s just a shame the car chases and shootouts weren’t done with the same kind of flair.  

Director Julien Leclercq favors long handheld tracking shots from behind Van Damme, which gives it a gritty feel of an independent movie.  By doing so, it winds up having a foot in both the independent drama and the DTV action worlds.  It ultimately never quite figures out which way it wants to lean.  Because of that, the film doesn’t ever really catch fire, despite the spark Van Damme brings to the role.  That said, The Bouncer remains a solid effort, all things considered. 

AKA:  Lukas.

THE “HUMAN” FACTOR (1975) **

George Kennedy stars as a family man working as a computer analyst for the American military in Italy.  One night he comes home to find his wife and kids brutally murdered.  He then uses the military’s state-of-the-art computer equipment (well, for the ‘70s anyway) to track down the killers.  Kennedy eventually pinpoints the culprits to a terrorist organization and sets out to get even. 

The “Human” Factor was the final film for director Edward (The Caine Mutiny) Dmytryk.  He’s an Old Hollywood kind of director, so his style doesn’t really mesh with a ‘70s thriller.  I mean this might contain the only car chase scene in history where the hero actually stops at a red light.  To be fair, even the best action director would’ve had a difficult time making a foot chase with the slow and husky Kennedy exciting.  The grocery store shootout in the finale is pretty badass though, but it’s ultimately too little too late. 

This must’ve been really high-tech stuff back in the ‘70s, but watching it now is a different story.  The long scenes of George hooking up his computer to a phone line and frittering away at his keyboard really bog things down.  Some may get a tinge of nostalgia for all the antiquated computer technology on display.  Those hoping for a legit thriller are going to be shifting in their seats. 

Not to mention the fact that Kennedy is sorely miscast in the lead.  I mean when you think “computer analyst”, big George isn’t exactly the first guy who comes to mind.  Another problem is the fact he spends too much time at the keyboard and not enough time kicking ass.  It’s also a little unfortunate that Kennedy’s high-tech computer is called “9/11”.  The supporting cast, which includes John Mills as Kennedy’s coworker and friend and Arthur (Abbott and Costello Meet the Invisible Man) Franz as a general, is solid though. 

SCREAM 7 (2026) ***

Ghost Face(s) is on the loose once again.  This time they come after not only the O.G. Final Girl of the series, Sidney Prescott (Neve Campbell) but her teenage daughter Tatum (Isabel May) as well.  Making it even harder to unmask the killers is the fact that they hide their identities behind AI technology. 

It took a while for me to get around to seeing Scream 7.  The early reviews were toxic, which was surprising, especially considering the fact that they brought Neve back to the franchise.  Maybe it was the low expectations, but I thought this was one of the best entries in the series. 

Maybe the hate was centered around the killers’ use of AI.  I know it’s low hanging fruit, but I thought it was implemented well enough.  I mean Ghost Face has always hidden behind a voice modulator.  Hiding his face behind AI that alters his appearance on Face Time calls just feels like the next step in the technological order. 

Having original screenwriter Kevin Williamson back to not only co-write the script, but direct was a no-brainer.  I’m actually surprised it took them so long to bring him back to the franchise.  He does a fine job behind the camera and delivers some solid suspense sequences.  The opening set piece (set at the original Scream house, which has been retrofitted into an Airbnb) gets the movie off to a strong start.  We also get fun stalk and slash scenes in a theater, behind a wall, and in a tavern.  Williamson also ups the gore too and gives us at least one applause worthy death that plays like a riff on the famous kill from My Bloody Valentine. 

The thing that makes the film work is that Sidney is once again front and center where she belongs.  It’s a nice change of pace from all that “passing the torch” crap they have been trying to sell us for the past few entries.  Just give her a daughter who’s a chip of the old block and have them kick Ghost Face’s butt together.  Williamson keeps it simple and the results are damned entertaining, especially for a seventh entry in a long running slasher series. 

OBLIVION (1994) ***

Longtime Incredible Hulk scribe Peter David wrote this low budget Sci-Fi western for Full Moon.  It’s got a great cast, some genuine laughs, and moves at a breezy pace.  It’s definitely one of the company’s better mid-'90s efforts. 

Andrew Divoff is Redeye, a snake-faced outlaw who takes over the titular futuristic Wild West town and kills the sheriff.  His son Zack (Richard Joseph Paul) comes to town, but since he’s an empath, he refuses to get involved.  Once Redeye and his gang take the pretty Miss Mattie (Jackie Swanson) hostage, Zach sets aside his nonviolent ways to kick some alien ass. 

Directed by Sam (Elvira’s Haunted Hills) Irvin, Oblivion is a rip-roaring good time.  The only fault I could find with his direction was that he goes a bit overboard with the slow-motion in some scenes.   It would’ve been different if he was doing a homage to Spaghetti Westerns or something, but it just seems like a way to draw out the action.  However, that’s just a minor drawback, all things considered. 

David’s script isn’t exactly “smart” but it is pretty clever.  I enjoyed the “futuristic” touches like a Wild West town having an ATM and the cowboys playing handheld video poker.  The funniest scene is when a somber funeral is interrupted by a bingo game in the next room.  The fun giant scorpion stop motion monsters by David Allen are cool too. 

The leads aren’t as good as the supporting cast but that’s perfectly acceptable, especially when everyone seems to be having a ball. Julie Newmar is a hoot as Miss Kitty, the madam of a brothel who still purrs like she’s playing Catwoman.  We also have Carel (Twin Peaks) Struycken as a psychic undertaker, Musetta Vander (who kind of resembles a Great Value Ornella Muti) as Divoff’s whip wielding dominatrix cowgirl sidekick, Meg Foster as a cyborg deputy, Star Trek’s George Takei as the town drunk, and Isaac Hayes as a trader. 

David’s script has plenty of solid one-liners too. One of my favorites came when Divoff told his slow-witted henchman, “I have hemorrhoids smarter than you!”  It’s Takei who gets the best line in the scene where he gets drunk on Jim Beam and says, “Jim, beam me up!”

AKA:  Aliens and Desperados.  AKA:  Alien Desperados.  AKA:  Welcome to Oblivion.