THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #31: SEX AND THE SINGLE VAMPIRE (1970) ***

John Holmes stars as a vampire named Count Spatula who hates rats, complains about his rheumatism, and bitches that he doesn’t have any fresh blood in the house.  Well, he’s in luck.  Seven friends show up to his castle and decide to have an all-out swingers’ party.  After spending lots of time merely standing around and being a voyeur, the Count eventually ties up the guys and has his way with the women. 

Holmes, in his bad grey dye job, plastic vampire fangs, and dime store Dracula cape, is funny while muttering to himself and acting like a cranky count.  (I have a feeling some of the dialogue was ad-libbed.)  He also peeps on the swingers when they’re making time, and his wild-eyed reactions garner a few laughs.  Some of his shtick wears thin by the end (like when he tries to paint a portrait of an orgy), but it’s successful more often than not.  He certainly shows that even early on in his career he had star quality.

Despite the presence of the undisputed king of porn, this is a softcore flick.  Every time it looks like it’s going to cross over into hardcore territory, it pulls back.  (There may have been a “hot” version of it at some point, but who knows?)  That said, the scenes themselves are pretty good, especially the lesbian ones. 

It’s less than an hour long, but you have to wait till the very end until Holmes gets in on the action.  Still, his five-way with the ladies of the cast serves as a fine enough capper.  Plus, the final gag is pretty funny. 

In short, Sex and the Single Vampire might not have you doubled over in laughter, but you’ll be chuckling more often than not.  It’s a lot better than many ‘70s vampire pornos and is a good showcase for Holmes’ acting chops.  It definitely doesn’t suck. 

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #30: SLEEPWALKER (1984) **

Angela (Joanna David) and her abrasive homophobic husband Richard (Nickolas Grace) attend a dinner party at the home of her friend Marion (Heather Page) and her brother Alex (Bill Douglas).  I’m not exactly sure who thought this was a good idea because all involved can barely stand each other let alone sit in close proximity to one another.  Things go from bad to worse as polite dinner conversation gives way to arguments.  Wine is consumed, tempers flare, and secrets are revealed.  After everyone goes to bed, somebody begins picking off the guests while walking in their sleep. 

Sleepwalker is only fifty minutes long.  It feels like it may have originally been intended as part of an anthology or maybe even a television pilot for a suspense show.  (Then again, it’s too gory for that.)  I know I usually advocate for shorter running times in horror movies, but this is a rare instance where some fleshing out would’ve done the film some good.  Although the dinner party sequences are rather straightforward, there is an air of tension to them that makes it work.  I think if any portion of the film needed padding out it would’ve been the stuff just before everyone goes to bed.  It seems that things become awfully rushed from that point on.  Heck, even having two more guests in the house would’ve upped the body count and spread the plot out just enough to get to at least seventy-five minutes. 

The cast is pretty good.  Grace, who looks like Tim Curry cosplaying as Gene Siskel, is the standout.  He’s a guy you really love to hate, which makes his weak death scene feel a tad underwhelming.  There are some good gory moments elsewhere, but honestly some of the “It was all a Dream” bits are pretty irritating.  The abrupt ending doesn’t do the flick any favors either. 

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #29: SACRILEGE (1988) **

Sacrilege is what you get when the master of ‘60s smut, Joe Sarno tries to make an ‘80s horror movie.  He at least knows how to get our attention.  Before the title even rolls on screen, we are treated to an excellent decapitation.  Too bad you have to wait an hour to see something that cool again. 

Twenty years later, Sara (Christine Moore), the daughter of the woman who lost her head, arrives at a fundamentalist church where her mother ministered hoping to be accepted with open arms.  The reverend brings her into the fold, and once she becomes ordained, Sara is keen to return to her home country to save the soul of her twin sister.  During her mission trip, Sara believes her evil twin is lurking near their campsite.  Eventually, people start losing their heads and it’s up to her reporter boyfriend (Kurt Sinclair) to find the killer. 

Before we get into it, I just want to state that there was no reason Sacrilege had to be two hours long.  I think if Sarno cut forty minutes out of this baby it might’ve worked.  There’s plenty to like here if you know where to look.  It’s just that at this length it becomes a real slog. 

Although Sacrilege is painfully slow-moving at times, it still very much feels like a Sarno film.  There’s not quite as much skin as you would expect from the man, but the implied lesbian love affair that blooms between Sara and Sister Naomi (Shannon McMahon), and Naomi’s interactions with Sister Barbara (Amy Brentaro) could’ve come out of one of his ‘60s movies.  Like most Sarno ventures, it tends to feel like a soap opera at times, which isn’t exactly what you’re looking for in an ‘80s horror flick. 

Unlike most of his filmography, the movie contains some awesome decapitations.  Sarno definitely knows how to film a head getting hacked off by a sickle, so there is something to be said for trying something new.  In one great scene, the killer’s aim is slightly off, which leads to a half-decapitation complete with tongue flailing.  These bits are fantastic.  It’s just a shame you have to sit through a ton of boring religious melodrama before you get to the good stuff. 

McMahon (who like most of the cast, also appeared in Roberta Findlay movies) gets the best line when she denies the theory that Sara and her sister are the same person and dismisses it as “Psychoanalytical poppycock!”

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #28: GORE WHORE (1994) ***

A down on his luck detective (Brad Debussy) is tasked with finding a missing hooker named Dawn Day (Audrey Street).  It seems she’s run off with a mysterious substance from a lab and the scientist in charge wants it back.  You see, the stuff has turned her into a zombie and in order to stay alive(ish) she must drink the blood of her customers (one of which is a woman). 

Gore Whore is a sloppy affair.  The acting isn’t very good, the video cinematography is bad, and the music is even worse.  Plus, the film often feels much longer than the sixty-nine-minute running time suggests.  However, there is a lot of wacky shit in this movie that makes it worth a look. 

The opening scene is great, and pretty much clues you in on the kind of movie you signed up for.  The titular sex worker strips for a John, handcuffs him to the bed, and then proceeds to bite his dick off and rip his throat out.  Other gory bits include another dismembered member (this one accidental), a decapitation, and a gnarly scene where a guy gets his legs sawed off.  (Hey man, you can’t say this movie doesn’t live up to its title.)  There’s also a pretty good zombie attack scene involving a speeding care that is impressive, given the (very) low budget. 

The highlight is when Street strips down in a cemetery and puts the Re-Animator-inspired formula into a dildo syringe.  She then proceeds to… uh… take her medicine if you know what I mean. 

I have a feeling that if I saw it as a teenage gorehound, the combination of nudity and gore would’ve probably made this a favorite.  Over the years, I’ve grown to have (slightly) more discerning taste.  That doesn’t mean I didn’t enjoy Gore Whore.  Check it out.  It might bring out the teenage gorehound in you. 

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #27: THE DARK POWER (1987) ***

Writer/director Phil Smoot only made two movies, this and 1985’s Alien Outlaw.  Both films starred old time cowboy star Lash LaRue.  And they say there’s no such thing as “Auteur Theory”. 

A Native American mystic dies and his house becomes a half-assed sorority for a bunch of college girls.  Unbeknownst to them, the place is actually a burial ground for ancient evil Toltec shamans.  Eventually, the shamans rise from the grave and attack the sorority girls.  Naturally, the only one who can save them is Lash LaRue. 

LaRue plays a forest ranger in this.  I’m not sure, but I don’t think his bullwhip is standard issue equipment for a forest ranger.  There’s a scene early on where Lash saves a boy from a pack of wild dogs using his trademark bullwhip that feels like something out of a Family Channel movie. 

Honestly, The Dark Power has too many moving parts.  In addition to these scenes of derring-do by Lash, you have to sit through a lot of exposition about the house and all the Native American mumbo jumbo that’s involved with it.  There’s also a lengthy a subplot about a racist sorority sister and her lousy brother who are harassing the lone black girl in the group.  Fortunately, many of the sorority girl scenes revolve around them running around in skimpy outfits, exercising, and taking bubble baths.  I particularly loved the sorority house’s rumpus room that had posters of The Godfather, The Blues Brothers, Elvira, and Star Trek:  The Motion Picture on the wall.  (Although I’m not sure if the sorority girls put them up or if they were left over from the previous owner.)

I’m not going to lie.  Things are pretty spotty for the first forty-five minutes or so.  Once the film finally finds its footing, it’s pretty damned entertaining.  The zombie shaman are goofy and overly rubbery looking, but I’ll gladly take them over the usual pasty-faced zombies any day, especially when they attack their victims with bows and arrows and tomahawks.  Even crazier is the fact that when they start doing comic relief Three Stooges-style shtick it manages to be surprisingly funny.  The gore is great too and includes an incredible face ripping scene.

The dialogue is equally superb.  There are plenty of choice lines, among them:  “Toltec sorcerers are bad dudes!”  The best line though is reserved for LaRue when he gets the drop on the zombies and says, “Feel my whip, you son of a bitch!”

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #26: WITHIN THE WOODS (2005) **

A television producer thinks he has a brilliant idea for a reality show:  Drop off five contestants to the infamous “Camp Blood” and if they can survive the night, they will win a million dollars.  They just have to avoid an actor in a clown mask who’s playing the killer.  Naturally, the real killer clown bumps off the fake Bozo and starts murdering the contestants for real. 

Within the Woods is the third installment of the Camp Blood franchise.  I’m not sure why they felt the need to eschew the traditional title route with this one.  I guess the title makes sense as the primary rule of the game is that the contestants have to stay “within the woods” to win.  Honestly, it really should’ve just been called Camp Blood 3.  (Within the Woods was also the title of the film-within-a-film from Part 2.)

No matter what the heck they called it, one thing is for sure, the series had started slowly going downhill at this point.  The “killer in a reality show” trope was still relatively new when this was released, but the seams of the subgenre were already starting to show.  It doesn’t help that it’s only a slight reworking of the theme from the previous installment.  (That one was about someone making a movie about the murders, and in this one they turn it into a TV show.)  The gore isn’t quite as good as Part 2 either.  (We get throat slashing, an eyeball is popped out, stabbing, a machete through the stomach, and a hand gets chopped off.)

I will say this one is certainly more polished looking than the two entries that preceded it.  (Although you can see a few boom mikes in a couple of scenes.)  The acting is a tad better too.  It’s not nearly as much fun though.  Still, Within the Woods is a lot better than many of the cheesy Camp Blood sequels that would follow in the next two(!) decades. 

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #25: CAMP BLOOD 2 (2000) ** ½

Tricia (Jennifer Ritchkoff) is still in the nuthouse under suspicion of being the Camp Blood killer clown.  A director (Garrett Clancy) wants to turn her story into a movie called Within the Woods and hires Tricia to be a technical advisor on the picture.  Even before cameras start rolling, a psycho in a clown mask begins bumping off members of the cast and crew.  Once the production moves to the location of the original murders, the bodies really start piling up. 

Camp Blood 2 came out a mere six months after the original, and the good news is that there is a fair amount of consistency from film to film.  (Overall, I enjoyed it about as much as the original.)  The big drawback is the overreliance of flashbacks to the original that help pad things out.  If you never saw the first flick, you could probably just skip it and start with this one and not miss anything vital.  However, if you do watch Camp Blood 1 beforehand (like I did), it will offer its own share of rewards. 

For instance, you’ll be able to appreciate the Meta approach the filmmakers brought to this installment.  I especially liked how the script from the first film was recycled for scenes of the director’s “new” movie.  He even films a scene that is right out of the original.  I also found it funny that in one scene the director negotiates with a would-be starlet to do a topless scene for the “movie” and then the next scene is her getting topless in “real life”. 

They upped the gore this time out too, which definitely helps.  The carnage includes a machete through the back, a hand getting chopped off, a machete in the mouth and out the back of the head, a machete to the brain, and a bloody throat slashing.  The standout kill comes when someone gets their eyes gored out with a broken bottle.