NUDIE CUTIES VOL. 1 (1993) ** ½

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

LINGERIE FIGHTING CHAMPIONSHIPS: LACE VS. LEATHER (2013) **

Ever since Tubi took down the Lingerie Fighting Championships, I have been jonesing to see women in lingerie beating the crap out of each other.  Fortunately for me, I was able to pick up this DVD for cheap.  It’s the first entry in the LFC series and to my surprise, it’s not an actual event, but a mockumentary about the league. ( I assume the LFC and this movie were created concurrently.)  As a fan of the later events, which were “legitimate” PPV fights, I was rather disappointed as this is essentially a workplace comedy, and not an especially funny one either.  Think The Office but with women MMA fighters. 

It’s kind of obvious from the start they’re trying way too hard for laughs, especially all the shit with the idiot coach in the red headband.  The scripted jokes aren’t funny either, and the staged interviews that are supposed to be played more or less straightforward are phony and forced.  I don’t know if they were trying to emulate GLOW or what, but it just doesn’t work.  There’s a lot of this kind of crap early on, and I had hopes that once the fights began, things would start looking up. 

I was wrong. 

Not only are the fights held in an empty arena with a crowd green screened in the background, but the action is constantly interrupted by interview footage.  This would’ve been fine if the interviews were shown before and after the match, but to drop them in during the fight is almost unforgivable.  An even greater sin:  The fights are fake, and many aren’t very convincing either.  Fortunately, some of the matches are lively enough to keep watching (especially the main event).  Some of the ringside commentary is pretty funny too.  My favorite quip was, “34F is not her apartment number!”

This was probably a learning lesson for LFC.  They saw what didn’t work, tweaked it, and perfected the formula by creating “real” PPV events.  So, I give them credit for that.  I must say if this was my first exposure to the league, I might not have been a fan.  Thankfully, they got much, much better when they realized it’s a lot more entertaining when the action is “real” (or at least unscripted). 

AKA:  Lingerie Fighting Championships.  AKA:  Lingerie Fighting Championships 18:  Lace vs. Leather.

TWO GIRLS AND A GUY (1998) *** ½

This was the first comeback role for Robert Downey Jr. after his much-publicized stint in rehab.  It was rated NC-17 even though the one sex scene we do get isn’t overly explicit.  Written and directed by James Toback (who also directed Downey in The Pick-Up Artist and Black and White), it definitely has that air of relationship based indie movies from the late ‘90s that featured characters talking about sex for a good chunk of the running time.  As far as that subgenre goes, it’s one of the better ones out there. 

The hook is as simple as it is irresistible.  Two beautiful women (Heather Graham and Natasha Gregson Wagner) are standing on a stoop in New York City waiting for their boyfriend (Downey Jr.) to come home.  They quickly realize they’re waiting on the same guy and decide to get a little payback.  The women break into his apartment and set up an ambush and try to get to the bottom of his selfish and manipulative ways. 

This could’ve been a sitcom, but the frankness of how the messy relationship details come out makes it work as a drama, even if parts of it are very funny.  I especially liked the scene when the girls compare notes and become more enraged at the fact that not only is Downey seeing both women at the same time, but he used the same exact pick-up lines on them. 

All three leads are great, but Downey is a real standout.  I loved the little moment when he came home and didn’t know the girls are hiding in his loft.  It’s here where you can see how a guy like this acts when he thinks he’s alone.  That is to say, he just acts goofy and sings to the top of his lungs.  Wagner (who was an It Girl for a hot minute) is a lot of fun as her manic pixie energy is equal parts adorable and sexy.  Graham is immensely appealing as well, playing the more reserved girlfriend who has a few secrets of her own. 

The limited cast and location work give the movie the feeling of a filmed play.  Sometimes, the long monologues feel kind of stagey, which is probably the only real drawback.  Fortunately, most of the dialogue has a ring of (painful) truth to it, so it’s mostly forgivable.  If you only know RDJ from his latter-day Marvel blockbusters, you owe it to yourself to check it out.

AEROBICISE: THE ULTIMATE WORKOUT (1982) ****

Jane Fonda gets most of the credit for kickstarting America’s interest in workout videos in the ‘80s, but I argue that Ron Harris is just as influential of a figure.  Unlike Jane, who was front-and-center of her videos, Ron worked behind the scenes.  Maybe it was his male gaze that made the Aerobicise series a landmark.  Maybe it was the simplicity of the concept.  Whatever the secret sauce was, Aerobicise was truly a staple of every boy growing up in the ‘80s. 

Most workout videos are filmed on sets that either mimic a gym or a living room.  The idea is that they are inviting the viewer into the world of the tape and making them a part of the exercising experience.  What made Harris’s series unique is that the women were all filmed in a white void.  I think the idea was that it would allow the viewer to concentrate on the performers and the exercises without any other visual stimuli getting in the way.  This would allow them to better understand the techniques and the motions of the participants.  Since the women were all hot and wearing sexy skintight workout attire, it was hard for any red-blooded male viewer to concentrate on anything else.  That innovation is what sets the series apart from its contemporaries. 

Let’s face it.  Men watched these things for the women.  Whenever you see a clip from the show popping up in a movie (most notably Friday the 13th:  The Final Chapter), it’s a male chauvinist pig who’s typically watching it.  The visual cue is a shorthand to inform the audience that information without the necessity of dialogue. 

Now, I get a kick from watching old workout videos from the ‘80s.  Maybe that makes me a pig too.  However, I think enough time has passed where we can view this sort of thing as video anthropology and marvel at the retro outfits and appreciate it as highly stylized ‘80s ephemera. 

The tape is light on instruction.  What narration we do get more or less states the obvious.  (“Twist!”, “Stretch!”, “Reach!”)  Oh, and the narrator has a sexy woman’s voice, if you had any confusion as to who the intended audience was. 

The tape is broken up into two episodes.  The first half begins with a “Warm-Up” consisting of head rolls, stretching, and light aerobics.  Then it’s on to “Hands and Knees” exercises where you get down on all fours and gyrate wildly like a dog that just pissed on an electric fence.  Next, it’s “Pelvics”, and if you ever needed proof that God exists and he’s a man, then look no further.  “Aerobics” follows, and it’s full of enough jiggling and wiggling to get your heart rate going... and you don’t even need to leave the couch to do so. 

Then it’s time to “Cool Down”.  This is probably the most misleading segment.  It’s supposed to be full of light stretching exercises to allow the body time to recover after a strenuous workout.  What we are shown however, is a hot blonde sitting spread eagle on the floor rubbing her mound around backwards and forwards and every which way in between.  Cool Down?  I’m heating up over here!  The last time I saw a woman do a Cool Down like that, I had to put dollar bills in her G-string.  Not sufficiently cooled down from that activity, she proceeded to get on all fours like a dog and undulate wildly before kicking her legs high in the air.  After making what looks like sexy snow angels on the ground, she contorts herself up like a nympho hobby horse and rocks back and forth.  How anyone is supposed to perform all this as a “Cool Down” technique is beyond me.  This is some serious Circe de Soliel shit.  (And I loved every second of it.)

The second episode kicks off with another “Warm-Up” where two gorgeous models stand toe to toe and do a slinky little jazzercise dance routine.  Then, it’s back to everyone’s favorite exercise, “Hands and Knees”.  While the movements of the model in this segment can’t top the wild gyrations of the first Hands and Knees sequence, the stellar camerawork and editing make sure that her assets are impeccably displayed throughout.  Next, it’s “Straddle Legs” where the model sits/lays on the floor and moves her legs like a broken windshield wiper.  It takes a bit before we get to the “Straddle” portion of the exercise, but believe me, it’s worth it.  That’s followed by “Sit-Ups”.  This is another example where Harris’s genius is on display.  He takes what in other workout tapes would’ve been a forgettable and boring exercise and thanks to the optimal camera placement, turns it into an erotic work of art.  “Aerobics” is next.  Two models perform acalisthenics routine consisting mostly of variations of Jumping Jacks.  This is probably the most traditional segment of the entire tape and doesn’t feature much of the unhinged qualities I typically enjoy.  That doesn’t mean it’s “bad” though.  Just traditional.  The final segment is another “Cool Down” routine.  It’s a stretching routine that might give Mr. Fantastic issues, especially the part where the model sticks her head between her legs and is about THIS close to kissing her own ass. 

The models, of course, are all beautiful.  One of them is Darcy De Moss from Friday the 13th Part 6.  (The Jason theme continues!)  They really deserve as much credit for the show’s success as Harris because they are among the most limber ladies it’s been my pleasure to watch in a workout tape. 

The camerawork is exquisite too.  By “exquisite”, I mean it captures a lot of shots of cleavage and jiggling buttocks.  The rhythmic motions of the models, combined with the subliminally hypnotic editing and soothing narration makes the whole thing play like ASMR.  And I don’t mean Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response.  I’m talking about Awesome Shit Men Respond to.  

You will not find Aerobicise:  The Ultimate Workout in the MoMA.  It is not in The Criterion Collection.  It is not part of the Library of Congress’ National Film Registry.  I hope this review will change all that.

Harris later took the concept and sexed it up even more with Totally Nude Aerobics.

KUNG-FU OF EIGHT DRUNKARDS (1980) ** ½

A waiter tries to remove an old drunk customer from his restaurant, and the boozy geezer beats the snot out of him.  He then begs the old man to teach him Drunken Kung Fu.  When a villain spots the waiter using the Drunken style, he correctly assumes the Kung Fu master (his mortal enemy) is still alive and plans to set a trap for his young pupil. 

Directed by Wu Ma (who also co-directed The Water Margin and All Men are Brothers), Kung-Fu of Eight Drunkards is an agreeable if inessential Kung Fu comedy.  If you have a predilection for Drunken Master-style chopsocky, you might grade this one on a higher curve as there are plenty of booze-related training sequences and inebriated fight scenes on display.  While the action is fine for the most part, it’s just lacking a real all-out show-stopping Kung Fu set piece to put it over the top.  (The finale is pretty good, but it’s marred by too much slow motion.)  Despite a generally uneven tone, it’s still a hair or two better than most Drunken Master rip-offs (there’s a decent plot twist in the last ten minutes). 

The problem is that the comedy schtick weighs the whole thing down as a lot of the drunken shenanigans aren’t very funny.  The comic relief sidekick is even worse as his main humorous trait is having a shitty combover.  The movie gets more mileage from unintentionally funny moments like the crappy dubbing and the odd soundtrack choices.  I’m specifically thinking of the random needle drop on a banjo instrumental of “I Wish I Was in Dixie” in some scenes. 

My real issue with Kung-Fu of Eight Drunkards though was, was there even eight of them?  I mean I can’t even remember there being eight characters let alone all of them knowing Kung Fu and/or being fall down drunks.  Were they counting the villains too?  If so, I don’t think I ever saw them take a sip of hooch the entire running time.  Argh.

AKA:  Kung Fu of 8 Drunkards.

WHEN THE GODS FALL ASLEEP (1972) ** ½

Director/star Jose Mojica Marins returns in this sequel to The End of Man as Finnis Hominis.  The film begins with the incredible ending of the original.  If you recall, Finnis Hominis arrived on the streets of Sao Paolo and quickly became a messianic figure who amassed a great following.  The final shot then showed him after his work was done returning home to a mental institution! 

Well, Finnis hangs out in his cell for a bit before escaping once again.  He gets right back to work, squashing a beef between two rival street thugs named Chico and Skull with just a few words of wisdom.  He also interrupts a virgin sacrifice and turns the followers against the priests presiding over the ceremony, breaks up a lovers’ quarrel at a Gypsy camp, and crashes a den of inequity. 

Finnis Hominis is sort of like the opposite side of the coin from Coffin Joe.  Although they are both mysterious figures that point out the hypocrisy of societal norms, Finnis dresses in bright colors and has a much sunnier disposition than the sinister Joe.  While the Finnis Hominis films are decent, they aren’t a patch on Coffin Joe’s pictures. 

Now that we know Finnis is actually batshit insane from the very start, his adventures don’t pack the same kind of punch.  As in the first movie, this one flips back and forth from color to black and white in sometimes arbitrary fashion.  It also suffers from an episodic nature.  It’s probably my least favorite of the Marins movies I’ve seen, but it carries enough of his distinct touches to make it worth watching. 

Some sequences are better than others (the romantic drama at the Gypsy camp goes on way too long) and the final twist in this entry is weak, not to mention predictable.  Still, the film contains at least one scene that will have you picking your jaw up off the floor.  About a half hour into the movie, there is a viewer discretion warning for a religious ceremony where people dance wildly and bite the heads off live chickens and drink their blood.  It’s fairly disgusting, and those who are squeamish when it comes to animal abuse will appreciate the heads-up. 

TWISTED SEX VOL. 4 (1994) ****

Twisted Sex Vol. 4 is a top tier sexploitation trailer compilation from the depraved minds at Something Weird.  It offers a terrific mix of obscure smut, genuine oddities, stone cold classics, and works from some of the greatest directors in exploitation history.  Because of that, it makes a perfect sampler package of vintage sleazy goodness. 

Fans of nudist movies will enjoy seeing trailers for the likes of Garden of Eden, Some Like It Cool, and Adam Lost His Apple.  Those who favor costume romps will dig the ads for Love Secrets of the Kama Sutra, The Secret Sex Lives of Romeo and Juliet, and Pinocchio.  It’s also fun seeing such classic Something Weird fare as The Bloody, The Beautiful, and the Bare, Confessions of a Psycho Cat, and Wilbur and the Baby Factory being represented. 

The wealth of previews for films from the elite filmmakers of the era is what sets Twisted Sex Vol. 4 apart from the rest of the pack.  We have ads for movies from Russ Meyer (The Immoral Mr. Teas), Herschell Gordon Lewis (The Adventures of Lucky Pierre), and Michael and Roberta Findlay (Take Me Naked).  Doris Wishman is especially well represented, so if you’re a fan of the Queen of the Nudies, you’re in for a treat.  There are trailers for Gentlemen Prefer Nature Girls, Nude on the Moon, The Sex Perils of Paulette (in which the title is curiously never mentioned), and Indecent Desires.  Fans of Wishman will also get a kick out of hearing many of the same taglines (like “sex without shame” and “corrupt and immoral”) appearing again and again in ads for Hot Month of August, Bad Girls Go to Hell, and Too Much Too Often

Speaking of taglines, there are plenty of great ones here.  Some of my favorites were for Warm Nights and Hot Pleasures (“When sex goes skin deep!”), Garden of Eden (“The only picture endorsed by the American Sunbathing Association!”), The Beautiful, the Bloody, and the Bare (“SEE the blood crazed fiend!”), and Sex Rituals of the Occult (“Sex Rituals of the Occult is coming!  Are you?”).  There are also a couple of shorts that help pad things out including a color striptease short called A Wild Night at the Interlude and something called Strange Sex Dreams which is neither strange nor sexy, but it is certainly something weird!

The complete trailer list is as follows: Hot Frustrations, The Sisters, Soft Skin on Black Silk, The Price of Flesh, Warm Nights and Hot Pleasures, The Alley Cats, Hot Month of August, Garden of Eden, The Immoral Mr. Teas, The Adventures of Lucky Pierre, Gentlemen Prefer Nature Girls, Adam Lost His Apple, Nude on the Moon, The Sun, the Place, and the Girls, The Beautiful, the Bloody, and the Bare, a Santa Claus bumper, My Baby is Black!, The Warm, Warm Bed, The Sex Perils of Paulette, Take Me Naked, Bad Girls Go to Hell, Confessions of a Psycho Cat, Indecent Desires, Guess Who’s Coming?, Too Much Too Often, Days of Sin and Nights of Nymphomania, A Wild Night at the Interlude (short), Whip’s Women, The Sexperts: Touched by Temptation, Love Secrets of the Kama Sutra, Sexcapade in Mexico, The Secret Sex Lives of Romeo and Juliet, Pinocchio, The Nine Ages of Nakedness, Wilbur and the Baby Factory, The Toy Box, Sex Rituals of the Occult, Strange Sex Dreams (short), and Liz.