SWINGING WIVES (1973) ***

Swinging Wives is a West German sexploitation movie made in the Schoolgirl Report mold.  It purports to be an expose about marriage and infidelity that is supposedly taken from “real” case studies of actual couples.  Sprinkled in between are man on the street interviews.  It’s all just an excuse to show some T & A. 

You know a movie is on the right track when it features a housewife doing nude housework including vacuuming, ironing, and washing the dishes during opening credits. 

The first segment is about a couple who are full of passion on their wedding night, but the spark quickly runs out.  Next, we have an interview with a door-to-door masseur who caters to the needs of his married female clientele.  Then, a frustrated housewife defies her husband and visits a swingers’ party next door.  That’s followed by a bridge club who surprises a delivery man by playing their game in the nude.  A teenage girl learns her mother is having an affair and sets out to seduce her mom’s suitor in the next vignette.  Afterwards, a wife tries to take her own life after having an affair with her husband’s best friend.  We then learn a mailman’s guide to servicing the lonely wives on his route.  Next, a woman puts the moves on her gynecologist when he drops in for a house call.  Then, there’s a segment on a door-to-door smut peddler who gets it on with a married client.  That’s followed by a story about a bored housewife who takes to turning tricks to make a little money on the side and predictably winds having her husband as a client.  Finally, we return to our first couple to check on their progress. 

Most of these kinds of movies have an episodic nature, which can yield uneven results.  The good news about Swinging Wives is that the episodes are all rather entertaining.  The best segments manage to blend humor into the mix.  In fact, the movie sort of gets better as it goes along, mostly because the sequences in the second half feature wives who seem to be having fun while they are swinging. 

The dubbed dialogue contains some real howlers too.  My favorite line comes when a swinger sees a sexy housewife and quips to his friend, “That’s real humping material right there!” 

AKA:  The New Hot Report:  What Men Don’t Think is Possible.

CARNE (1968) ** ½

I attended a John Waters Q & A a while back and asked him who his favorite under-the-radar B-movie director was and he responded with Armando Bo.  Since I had already seen (and loved) Fuego, I knew I had to start checking into Bo’s back catalogue.  The fact that he always cast the buxom and beautiful Isabel Sarli (his on-screen muse as well as off) in his films, didn’t hurt either. 

The first thing you see in Carne is Sarli posing nude.  That’s quickly followed by a love scene AND a rape scene… all BEFORE the opening credits!

See, Sarli loves her boyfriend, who is an artist and paints her in the nude.  They both have a day job at the local meat packing plant.  Her rapist is a trucker who delivers meat to the place.  After raping her again, he kidnaps her and holds her captive in his meat truck where he shares her with his friends. 

Bo has been called the Argentinian Russ Meyer, and for good reason.  Not only does he love to feature hot busty babes in his movies, but the stylized editing and camerawork is very reminiscent of old Russ.  He certainly isn’t subtle.  Consider the scenes of Sarli in the factory as she symbolically handles raw meat.  The way her attacker views her as “meat” is so “on the nose”, it could very well be up the nose.  The scene where she is chased through a veritable maze of hanging beef in the meat locker by her rapist is effective too, although some will be put off by the scene when he throws her on a slab of beef and says, “Meat on meat!” before defiling her.  Oh, and did I mention when he throws her in his truck, there’s a cutaway to some signage that reads, “Meat in Transit”?

Most of the drama comes from whether her beau will A) Avenge Sarli’s defilement and/or B) Forgive her.  I’m sure you can pretty much guess what will happen. 

The reason to watch it is for Sarli.  Despite this being an exploitation flick, she doesn’t get naked as often as you might expect.  That’s appropriate too, given the subject matter.  However, those brief nude scenes are really something.  Because of Sarli, Carne is enjoyable even if the rest of the film isn’t exactly well done. 

MITCH APPEARS ON THE DTVC PODCAST!

Matt from The DTVC Podcast invited me to discuss the immortal classic, Champagne and Bullets.  If you have ever done the "Shimmy Slide" or have always been curious about doing so, I wholeheartedly encourage you to give it a listen.   DTVC Podcast 264, "Champagne a… - DTVC Podcast - Apple Podcasts

ANYONE BUT YOU (2023) ***

Sydney Sweeney and Glen Powell Meet Cute in a coffee shop and spend a lovely evening together.  After a misunderstanding, they quickly become mortal enemies, which is a problem since they are both going to attend the same wedding in Australia.  Since both of their respective exes are at the event, they decide to make them jealous by masquerading as a couple.  Naturally, their dubious displays of affection cause more problems while they predictably wind up falling for each other for real. 

I’m not much of a romantic comedy guy, but if you put my girl Sydney Sweeney in it and have her parading around in various skintight outfits… well, heck, I’ll probably get around to watching it at some point.  Directed by Will (Easy A) Gluck, Anyone but You is loosely based on William Shakespeare’s Much Ado About Nothing.  Because of that, you may be inclined to think it’s a highbrow comedy.  Fortunately for me, it has some legitimately funny moments, especially when  it sometimes unexpectedly heads into Farrelly Brothers territory.  The scene where Powell finds a spider in his shorts is a highlight, as is the “anteater” gag. 

Powell and Sweeney have plenty of chemistry together and have surprising comedy chops too.  They play off one another so well that you would imagine they could easily become a viable comedy duo for years to come.  Since the movie was a big hit, I don’t see why not. 

Yes, it falls into the same predictable cliches that the genre demands.  Yes, some of the Shakespeare shit feels shoehorned in there.  (There’s probably one too many scenes where Powell and Sweeney overhear their friends chatting about them.)  However, the bottom line is I laughed a lot more than I was expecting.  Because of that, I’d recommend Anyone but You to anyone who enjoys romantic comedies and… hell, just comedies in general. 

REALITY (2023) ** ½

Sydney Sweeney stars as the improbably named Reality Winner.  In reality, uh, Reality was given the longest sentence in history for leaking confidential government documents.  This film is a recreation of her arrest taken directly from the actual FBI audio recordings. 

This strict adherence to fact can be a double-edged sword.  While people who are familiar with the case will be thrilled by the attention to detail, it doesn’t really do much for guys like me who are only watching it for Sweeney. 

Sydney does a fine job dressed way down and sans make-up.  Her reaction to the Feds’ arrival is more like an “Aw shucks!  Ya got me” kind of deal.  She doesn’t ask to see the warrant or demand an attorney.  That raises a red flag to the Feds and the viewer.  Is she just being cooperative or is she itching to get caught?

Since this is essentially a filmed transcript, the actors have to work overtime to squeeze any kind of characterization in there.  I liked the way the Feds made small talk about her pets as a way to ingratiate themselves as they try to get her to drop her guard. 

The film keeps cutting back to the real audio files and transcripts mid-scene.  We also see actual social media posts of the real Winner.  It’s like… okay.  We get it.  This is based on real events.  It’s just that in the search for verisimilitude, these asides become more distracting than anything else.  

One cool aspect is that when it comes to the classified information, the sensitive material is redacted.  It’s here where the film gets visually interesting as Reality gets deleted from the film every time she mentions the redacted material.  In an age where nearly all important information is redacted for the public, it was a nice touch to see her completely disappear at the most vital parts of the story. 

Ultimately, Reality is a mixed bag, but Sweeney’s performance makes it worth a look.  She does a lot with a little, and the way she is able to find character beats in the middle of what is essentially a seventy-five-minute interrogation is rather impressive.  Overall, the film itself is a bit too slight to fully recommend.  However, seeing how the American public still has to deal with pointless redactions and be continuously denied the truth by its government means the film will remain relevant for years to come. 

NUDIE CUTIES VOL. 1 (1993) ** ½

Nudie Cuties Vol. 1 is a compilation of nudie shorts collected by the good folks at Something Weird.  I’m sure they really must’ve wowed (male) audiences back in their day.  However, it’s more fun to look at them now as a curiosity piece than spank material. 

“Nautical Nudes” (** ½) is a creaky short from what looks to be the silent era.  A group of gals get naked on a boat.  They then come ashore and claim a small island as their own private nudist resort.  This short seems like it had a decent budget for this sort of thing, but it suffers from some poor lighting. 

“Backstage” (** ½) This brief clip has a dancer changing backstage.  The model is cute, but this one also suffers from being too dark. 

“Count Me In” (*** ½) benefits from a simple but strong premise.  Two women sit on a bed and play a game of Strip Craps.  Whenever they roll a 7, they have to remove an article of clothing… and they roll LOTS of 7’s.  It’s definitely more fun than Yahtzee.

“Between Acts” (**) There isn’t much to say about this short about a bunch of half-naked burlesque dancers hanging out in their dressing room. 

“Uncover Girl” (** ½) The clever title is the best thing about this brief clip.  A dancer strips in front of a curtain (it looks more like curtains you’d see for windows and not the curtain for a Burlesque show).  There isn’t a whole lot to it, but at least the dancer is cute.

“Without a Stitch” (** ½) A seamstress makes clothes for her friends who disrobe and try on their new wardrobe.  This one is another short but sweet entry that benefits from several actresses who are quite perky.  Too bad the jump cuts ruin much of the fun. 

“Chicago Fan Dance” (** ½) The title says it all.  This is nothing more than a filmed Burlesque show wherein a nude dancer performs with an oversized fan.  Like many other shorts here, it loses points because of the dark photography. 

“Feminine Foursome” (** ½) Four women dance and cavort in the nude.  This one has some legitimate ambiance, but the abrupt ending doesn’t do it any favors. 

“Candid Beauty” (**) Two women are hiking when one of them decides to disrobe.  Luckily, the other gal has a camera with her to capture the moment.  Despite the pleasant scenery, this is another short that suffers from muddy cinematography. 

“Christmas Eves” (*** ½) A gaggle of half-naked women wake up on Christmas morning, get dressed, and go downstairs to see what Santa brought them.  If the sight of naked women trying on a variety of outfits and shooting each other with dart guns in front of the Christmas tree doesn’t put you in the Christmas spirit, the random use of the Muzak version of “Hard Day’s Night” will.  It also helps that this is one of the longest shorts in the compilation.  It takes its time getting going and is a lot of fun to boot. 

“Ladder Antics” (** ½) has three nude models descending a tall ladder before posing on what looks like a Burlesque stage.  While it’s refreshing to get a short that isn’t coy at all when it comes to showing everything, there aren’t many “antics” to be had. 

“How to Hold a Husband” (**) A sunny blonde reads a booklet on how to trap and man, which basically just boils down to dressing in lingerie.  This is one of those deals where the premise quickly gets lost in the shuffle.  The fact that it doesn’t feature any nudity is another major debit. 

“Silk Heeled Mannequins” (**) has three models putting on a floor show on stage before disrobing.  This one benefits from some rudimentary editing and camerawork, but it’s not radically memorable or titillating. 

“Artist’s Models” (***) Several sexy nudists hang around a swimming pool getting a suntan.  This is the kind of thing I was hoping to see more of in this collection.  It’s a simple little nudist camp reel with cute models and a sunny location. 

“Nudists at Play” (****) This is the kind of stuff I’m talking about!  Two brunette nudists play badminton (badly) while their friend suns herself on a towel.  Nudies were always at their best when they showcased women doing outdoor activities and generally just enjoying life.  

“Models in Repose” (**) delivers exactly what it promises:  Models lying around in the nude.  They don’t move, so you’re almost better off looking at a still photograph.  Oh, and this is yet another short that suffers from being too dark. 

“Nude Action” (***) A bubbly blonde does an energetic dance in the nude.  This is another example of how to make a good nudie reel.  If you keep it simple, it just has a better chance of being successful. 

“New Year’s ‘Eve’” (***) A model disrobes and poses around New Year’s streamers.  This one has a good gimmick as every time the model opens up her fur coat, another article of clothing disappears.  It’s not especially erotic, but if you like vintage smut, I’m sure New Year’s “Eve” will make your ball drop. 

“The Dance of Love” (*** ½) A brunette dancer arrives on stage wearing nothing but a sheer cape which she quickly chucks aside.  She then proceeds to do an interpretive dance number in the nude.  This one looked kind of familiar to me.  I think it might’ve cropped up as a special feature on another Something Weird release.  It’s a solid short with a cute dancer who certainly isn’t shy and can dance rather well too. 

“Body Contours” (** ½) A blonde figure model rotates on a turntable on an empty stage.  This is essentially a filmed figure modeling session.  As such, it’s better than average as the rotating platform gives it a semi-artsy vibe.  In fact, many of the shorts have an opening text stating they are to be used for figure drawing.  This is one of the rare instances where that might’ve actually been the case and not just an excuse to show flagrant nudity. 

“Gloria’s Fan Dance” (***) This is another filmed fan dance.  This time out, the dancer has two fans and doesn’t seem too interested in using them to conceal her naked frame.  Her cheerful demeanor is winning too, all of which adds up to another solid short. 

“Harem Beauties” (** ½) A harem full of naked nymphs lounge around on a silk rug.  And… uh… that’s about it.  The models are cute, which helps make up for a noticeable lack of substance. 

“Nude Hula” (*** ½) The best nudie shorts are usually the ones that feature women doing something they typically do fully clothed (or in this case, scantily clad), except…. you know… nude.  That’s what makes Nude Hula so much fun.  It contains everything you’d want from a hula dance, except… you know… nude.  It also helps that the dancer is simply adorable. 

“Stripped for Dipping” (*** ½) A cute brunette goes for a moonlight swim in a creek.  The most amazing thing about this short is that even though it’s filmed outdoors at night, the spotlight the crew used was able to shine ample light upon the model.  Compare that to the other shorts in the collection that take place in broad daylight where you can’t barely make out anything. 

“Swinging Frolics” (***) Two naked women take turns pushing each other on a swing.  There’s not a whole lot to say about this one other than the editing and camerawork is solid.  I guess if you have a swing fetish, you might want to add an extra *. 

“The Old Swimming Pool” (*** ½) Three ladies go skinny-dipping in a lake where they frolic and cavort.  The camerawork is quite good on this short, and the shots of the gals lounging on an inner tube are quite effective.  The models (all of whom are quite lovely) look like they are genuinely enjoying themselves, which also helps. 

“Sultans Dreams” (***) A naked woman hangs around the house, combing her hair, drinking coffee, and smoking cigarettes.  The print is pretty beat up, but the model is arguably the best looking one in the entire collection, which is probably why they saved this clip for last.  There are no sultans, and no dreams, but you won’t care.

LINGERIE FIGHTING CHAMPIONSHIPS: LACE VS. LEATHER (2013) **

Ever since Tubi took down the Lingerie Fighting Championships, I have been jonesing to see women in lingerie beating the crap out of each other.  Fortunately for me, I was able to pick up this DVD for cheap.  It’s the first entry in the LFC series and to my surprise, it’s not an actual event, but a mockumentary about the league. ( I assume the LFC and this movie were created concurrently.)  As a fan of the later events, which were “legitimate” PPV fights, I was rather disappointed as this is essentially a workplace comedy, and not an especially funny one either.  Think The Office but with women MMA fighters. 

It’s kind of obvious from the start they’re trying way too hard for laughs, especially all the shit with the idiot coach in the red headband.  The scripted jokes aren’t funny either, and the staged interviews that are supposed to be played more or less straightforward are phony and forced.  I don’t know if they were trying to emulate GLOW or what, but it just doesn’t work.  There’s a lot of this kind of crap early on, and I had hopes that once the fights began, things would start looking up. 

I was wrong. 

Not only are the fights held in an empty arena with a crowd green screened in the background, but the action is constantly interrupted by interview footage.  This would’ve been fine if the interviews were shown before and after the match, but to drop them in during the fight is almost unforgivable.  An even greater sin:  The fights are fake, and many aren’t very convincing either.  Fortunately, some of the matches are lively enough to keep watching (especially the main event).  Some of the ringside commentary is pretty funny too.  My favorite quip was, “34F is not her apartment number!”

This was probably a learning lesson for LFC.  They saw what didn’t work, tweaked it, and perfected the formula by creating “real” PPV events.  So, I give them credit for that.  I must say if this was my first exposure to the league, I might not have been a fan.  Thankfully, they got much, much better when they realized it’s a lot more entertaining when the action is “real” (or at least unscripted). 

AKA:  Lingerie Fighting Championships.  AKA:  Lingerie Fighting Championships 18:  Lace vs. Leather.