ANYONE BUT YOU (2023) ***

Sydney Sweeney and Glen Powell Meet Cute in a coffee shop and spend a lovely evening together.  After a misunderstanding, they quickly become mortal enemies, which is a problem since they are both going to attend the same wedding in Australia.  Since both of their respective exes are at the event, they decide to make them jealous by masquerading as a couple.  Naturally, their dubious displays of affection cause more problems while they predictably wind up falling for each other for real. 

I’m not much of a romantic comedy guy, but if you put my girl Sydney Sweeney in it and have her parading around in various skintight outfits… well, heck, I’ll probably get around to watching it at some point.  Directed by Will (Easy A) Gluck, Anyone but You is loosely based on William Shakespeare’s Much Ado About Nothing.  Because of that, you may be inclined to think it’s a highbrow comedy.  Fortunately for me, it has some legitimately funny moments, especially when  it sometimes unexpectedly heads into Farrelly Brothers territory.  The scene where Powell finds a spider in his shorts is a highlight, as is the “anteater” gag. 

Powell and Sweeney have plenty of chemistry together and have surprising comedy chops too.  They play off one another so well that you would imagine they could easily become a viable comedy duo for years to come.  Since the movie was a big hit, I don’t see why not. 

Yes, it falls into the same predictable cliches that the genre demands.  Yes, some of the Shakespeare shit feels shoehorned in there.  (There’s probably one too many scenes where Powell and Sweeney overhear their friends chatting about them.)  However, the bottom line is I laughed a lot more than I was expecting.  Because of that, I’d recommend Anyone but You to anyone who enjoys romantic comedies and… hell, just comedies in general. 

REALITY (2023) ** ½

Sydney Sweeney stars as the improbably named Reality Winner.  In reality, uh, Reality was given the longest sentence in history for leaking confidential government documents.  This film is a recreation of her arrest taken directly from the actual FBI audio recordings. 

This strict adherence to fact can be a double-edged sword.  While people who are familiar with the case will be thrilled by the attention to detail, it doesn’t really do much for guys like me who are only watching it for Sweeney. 

Sydney does a fine job dressed way down and sans make-up.  Her reaction to the Feds’ arrival is more like an “Aw shucks!  Ya got me” kind of deal.  She doesn’t ask to see the warrant or demand an attorney.  That raises a red flag to the Feds and the viewer.  Is she just being cooperative or is she itching to get caught?

Since this is essentially a filmed transcript, the actors have to work overtime to squeeze any kind of characterization in there.  I liked the way the Feds made small talk about her pets as a way to ingratiate themselves as they try to get her to drop her guard. 

The film keeps cutting back to the real audio files and transcripts mid-scene.  We also see actual social media posts of the real Winner.  It’s like… okay.  We get it.  This is based on real events.  It’s just that in the search for verisimilitude, these asides become more distracting than anything else.  

One cool aspect is that when it comes to the classified information, the sensitive material is redacted.  It’s here where the film gets visually interesting as Reality gets deleted from the film every time she mentions the redacted material.  In an age where nearly all important information is redacted for the public, it was a nice touch to see her completely disappear at the most vital parts of the story. 

Ultimately, Reality is a mixed bag, but Sweeney’s performance makes it worth a look.  She does a lot with a little, and the way she is able to find character beats in the middle of what is essentially a seventy-five-minute interrogation is rather impressive.  Overall, the film itself is a bit too slight to fully recommend.  However, seeing how the American public still has to deal with pointless redactions and be continuously denied the truth by its government means the film will remain relevant for years to come. 

NUDIE CUTIES VOL. 1 (1993) ** ½

Nudie Cuties Vol. 1 is a compilation of nudie shorts collected by the good folks at Something Weird.  I’m sure they really must’ve wowed (male) audiences back in their day.  However, it’s more fun to look at them now as a curiosity piece than spank material. 

“Nautical Nudes” (** ½) is a creaky short from what looks to be the silent era.  A group of gals get naked on a boat.  They then come ashore and claim a small island as their own private nudist resort.  This short seems like it had a decent budget for this sort of thing, but it suffers from some poor lighting. 

“Backstage” (** ½) This brief clip has a dancer changing backstage.  The model is cute, but this one also suffers from being too dark. 

“Count Me In” (*** ½) benefits from a simple but strong premise.  Two women sit on a bed and play a game of Strip Craps.  Whenever they roll a 7, they have to remove an article of clothing… and they roll LOTS of 7’s.  It’s definitely more fun than Yahtzee.

“Between Acts” (**) There isn’t much to say about this short about a bunch of half-naked burlesque dancers hanging out in their dressing room. 

“Uncover Girl” (** ½) The clever title is the best thing about this brief clip.  A dancer strips in front of a curtain (it looks more like curtains you’d see for windows and not the curtain for a Burlesque show).  There isn’t a whole lot to it, but at least the dancer is cute.

“Without a Stitch” (** ½) A seamstress makes clothes for her friends who disrobe and try on their new wardrobe.  This one is another short but sweet entry that benefits from several actresses who are quite perky.  Too bad the jump cuts ruin much of the fun. 

“Chicago Fan Dance” (** ½) The title says it all.  This is nothing more than a filmed Burlesque show wherein a nude dancer performs with an oversized fan.  Like many other shorts here, it loses points because of the dark photography. 

“Feminine Foursome” (** ½) Four women dance and cavort in the nude.  This one has some legitimate ambiance, but the abrupt ending doesn’t do it any favors. 

“Candid Beauty” (**) Two women are hiking when one of them decides to disrobe.  Luckily, the other gal has a camera with her to capture the moment.  Despite the pleasant scenery, this is another short that suffers from muddy cinematography. 

“Christmas Eves” (*** ½) A gaggle of half-naked women wake up on Christmas morning, get dressed, and go downstairs to see what Santa brought them.  If the sight of naked women trying on a variety of outfits and shooting each other with dart guns in front of the Christmas tree doesn’t put you in the Christmas spirit, the random use of the Muzak version of “Hard Day’s Night” will.  It also helps that this is one of the longest shorts in the compilation.  It takes its time getting going and is a lot of fun to boot. 

“Ladder Antics” (** ½) has three nude models descending a tall ladder before posing on what looks like a Burlesque stage.  While it’s refreshing to get a short that isn’t coy at all when it comes to showing everything, there aren’t many “antics” to be had. 

“How to Hold a Husband” (**) A sunny blonde reads a booklet on how to trap and man, which basically just boils down to dressing in lingerie.  This is one of those deals where the premise quickly gets lost in the shuffle.  The fact that it doesn’t feature any nudity is another major debit. 

“Silk Heeled Mannequins” (**) has three models putting on a floor show on stage before disrobing.  This one benefits from some rudimentary editing and camerawork, but it’s not radically memorable or titillating. 

“Artist’s Models” (***) Several sexy nudists hang around a swimming pool getting a suntan.  This is the kind of thing I was hoping to see more of in this collection.  It’s a simple little nudist camp reel with cute models and a sunny location. 

“Nudists at Play” (****) This is the kind of stuff I’m talking about!  Two brunette nudists play badminton (badly) while their friend suns herself on a towel.  Nudies were always at their best when they showcased women doing outdoor activities and generally just enjoying life.  

“Models in Repose” (**) delivers exactly what it promises:  Models lying around in the nude.  They don’t move, so you’re almost better off looking at a still photograph.  Oh, and this is yet another short that suffers from being too dark. 

“Nude Action” (***) A bubbly blonde does an energetic dance in the nude.  This is another example of how to make a good nudie reel.  If you keep it simple, it just has a better chance of being successful. 

“New Year’s ‘Eve’” (***) A model disrobes and poses around New Year’s streamers.  This one has a good gimmick as every time the model opens up her fur coat, another article of clothing disappears.  It’s not especially erotic, but if you like vintage smut, I’m sure New Year’s “Eve” will make your ball drop. 

“The Dance of Love” (*** ½) A brunette dancer arrives on stage wearing nothing but a sheer cape which she quickly chucks aside.  She then proceeds to do an interpretive dance number in the nude.  This one looked kind of familiar to me.  I think it might’ve cropped up as a special feature on another Something Weird release.  It’s a solid short with a cute dancer who certainly isn’t shy and can dance rather well too. 

“Body Contours” (** ½) A blonde figure model rotates on a turntable on an empty stage.  This is essentially a filmed figure modeling session.  As such, it’s better than average as the rotating platform gives it a semi-artsy vibe.  In fact, many of the shorts have an opening text stating they are to be used for figure drawing.  This is one of the rare instances where that might’ve actually been the case and not just an excuse to show flagrant nudity. 

“Gloria’s Fan Dance” (***) This is another filmed fan dance.  This time out, the dancer has two fans and doesn’t seem too interested in using them to conceal her naked frame.  Her cheerful demeanor is winning too, all of which adds up to another solid short. 

“Harem Beauties” (** ½) A harem full of naked nymphs lounge around on a silk rug.  And… uh… that’s about it.  The models are cute, which helps make up for a noticeable lack of substance. 

“Nude Hula” (*** ½) The best nudie shorts are usually the ones that feature women doing something they typically do fully clothed (or in this case, scantily clad), except…. you know… nude.  That’s what makes Nude Hula so much fun.  It contains everything you’d want from a hula dance, except… you know… nude.  It also helps that the dancer is simply adorable. 

“Stripped for Dipping” (*** ½) A cute brunette goes for a moonlight swim in a creek.  The most amazing thing about this short is that even though it’s filmed outdoors at night, the spotlight the crew used was able to shine ample light upon the model.  Compare that to the other shorts in the collection that take place in broad daylight where you can’t barely make out anything. 

“Swinging Frolics” (***) Two naked women take turns pushing each other on a swing.  There’s not a whole lot to say about this one other than the editing and camerawork is solid.  I guess if you have a swing fetish, you might want to add an extra *. 

“The Old Swimming Pool” (*** ½) Three ladies go skinny-dipping in a lake where they frolic and cavort.  The camerawork is quite good on this short, and the shots of the gals lounging on an inner tube are quite effective.  The models (all of whom are quite lovely) look like they are genuinely enjoying themselves, which also helps. 

“Sultans Dreams” (***) A naked woman hangs around the house, combing her hair, drinking coffee, and smoking cigarettes.  The print is pretty beat up, but the model is arguably the best looking one in the entire collection, which is probably why they saved this clip for last.  There are no sultans, and no dreams, but you won’t care.

LINGERIE FIGHTING CHAMPIONSHIPS: LACE VS. LEATHER (2013) **

Ever since Tubi took down the Lingerie Fighting Championships, I have been jonesing to see women in lingerie beating the crap out of each other.  Fortunately for me, I was able to pick up this DVD for cheap.  It’s the first entry in the LFC series and to my surprise, it’s not an actual event, but a mockumentary about the league. ( I assume the LFC and this movie were created concurrently.)  As a fan of the later events, which were “legitimate” PPV fights, I was rather disappointed as this is essentially a workplace comedy, and not an especially funny one either.  Think The Office but with women MMA fighters. 

It’s kind of obvious from the start they’re trying way too hard for laughs, especially all the shit with the idiot coach in the red headband.  The scripted jokes aren’t funny either, and the staged interviews that are supposed to be played more or less straightforward are phony and forced.  I don’t know if they were trying to emulate GLOW or what, but it just doesn’t work.  There’s a lot of this kind of crap early on, and I had hopes that once the fights began, things would start looking up. 

I was wrong. 

Not only are the fights held in an empty arena with a crowd green screened in the background, but the action is constantly interrupted by interview footage.  This would’ve been fine if the interviews were shown before and after the match, but to drop them in during the fight is almost unforgivable.  An even greater sin:  The fights are fake, and many aren’t very convincing either.  Fortunately, some of the matches are lively enough to keep watching (especially the main event).  Some of the ringside commentary is pretty funny too.  My favorite quip was, “34F is not her apartment number!”

This was probably a learning lesson for LFC.  They saw what didn’t work, tweaked it, and perfected the formula by creating “real” PPV events.  So, I give them credit for that.  I must say if this was my first exposure to the league, I might not have been a fan.  Thankfully, they got much, much better when they realized it’s a lot more entertaining when the action is “real” (or at least unscripted). 

AKA:  Lingerie Fighting Championships.  AKA:  Lingerie Fighting Championships 18:  Lace vs. Leather.

TWO GIRLS AND A GUY (1998) *** ½

This was the first comeback role for Robert Downey Jr. after his much-publicized stint in rehab.  It was rated NC-17 even though the one sex scene we do get isn’t overly explicit.  Written and directed by James Toback (who also directed Downey in The Pick-Up Artist and Black and White), it definitely has that air of relationship based indie movies from the late ‘90s that featured characters talking about sex for a good chunk of the running time.  As far as that subgenre goes, it’s one of the better ones out there. 

The hook is as simple as it is irresistible.  Two beautiful women (Heather Graham and Natasha Gregson Wagner) are standing on a stoop in New York City waiting for their boyfriend (Downey Jr.) to come home.  They quickly realize they’re waiting on the same guy and decide to get a little payback.  The women break into his apartment and set up an ambush and try to get to the bottom of his selfish and manipulative ways. 

This could’ve been a sitcom, but the frankness of how the messy relationship details come out makes it work as a drama, even if parts of it are very funny.  I especially liked the scene when the girls compare notes and become more enraged at the fact that not only is Downey seeing both women at the same time, but he used the same exact pick-up lines on them. 

All three leads are great, but Downey is a real standout.  I loved the little moment when he came home and didn’t know the girls are hiding in his loft.  It’s here where you can see how a guy like this acts when he thinks he’s alone.  That is to say, he just acts goofy and sings to the top of his lungs.  Wagner (who was an It Girl for a hot minute) is a lot of fun as her manic pixie energy is equal parts adorable and sexy.  Graham is immensely appealing as well, playing the more reserved girlfriend who has a few secrets of her own. 

The limited cast and location work give the movie the feeling of a filmed play.  Sometimes, the long monologues feel kind of stagey, which is probably the only real drawback.  Fortunately, most of the dialogue has a ring of (painful) truth to it, so it’s mostly forgivable.  If you only know RDJ from his latter-day Marvel blockbusters, you owe it to yourself to check it out.

AEROBICISE: THE ULTIMATE WORKOUT (1982) ****

Jane Fonda gets most of the credit for kickstarting America’s interest in workout videos in the ‘80s, but I argue that Ron Harris is just as influential of a figure.  Unlike Jane, who was front-and-center of her videos, Ron worked behind the scenes.  Maybe it was his male gaze that made the Aerobicise series a landmark.  Maybe it was the simplicity of the concept.  Whatever the secret sauce was, Aerobicise was truly a staple of every boy growing up in the ‘80s. 

Most workout videos are filmed on sets that either mimic a gym or a living room.  The idea is that they are inviting the viewer into the world of the tape and making them a part of the exercising experience.  What made Harris’s series unique is that the women were all filmed in a white void.  I think the idea was that it would allow the viewer to concentrate on the performers and the exercises without any other visual stimuli getting in the way.  This would allow them to better understand the techniques and the motions of the participants.  Since the women were all hot and wearing sexy skintight workout attire, it was hard for any red-blooded male viewer to concentrate on anything else.  That innovation is what sets the series apart from its contemporaries. 

Let’s face it.  Men watched these things for the women.  Whenever you see a clip from the show popping up in a movie (most notably Friday the 13th:  The Final Chapter), it’s a male chauvinist pig who’s typically watching it.  The visual cue is a shorthand to inform the audience that information without the necessity of dialogue. 

Now, I get a kick from watching old workout videos from the ‘80s.  Maybe that makes me a pig too.  However, I think enough time has passed where we can view this sort of thing as video anthropology and marvel at the retro outfits and appreciate it as highly stylized ‘80s ephemera. 

The tape is light on instruction.  What narration we do get more or less states the obvious.  (“Twist!”, “Stretch!”, “Reach!”)  Oh, and the narrator has a sexy woman’s voice, if you had any confusion as to who the intended audience was. 

The tape is broken up into two episodes.  The first half begins with a “Warm-Up” consisting of head rolls, stretching, and light aerobics.  Then it’s on to “Hands and Knees” exercises where you get down on all fours and gyrate wildly like a dog that just pissed on an electric fence.  Next, it’s “Pelvics”, and if you ever needed proof that God exists and he’s a man, then look no further.  “Aerobics” follows, and it’s full of enough jiggling and wiggling to get your heart rate going... and you don’t even need to leave the couch to do so. 

Then it’s time to “Cool Down”.  This is probably the most misleading segment.  It’s supposed to be full of light stretching exercises to allow the body time to recover after a strenuous workout.  What we are shown however, is a hot blonde sitting spread eagle on the floor rubbing her mound around backwards and forwards and every which way in between.  Cool Down?  I’m heating up over here!  The last time I saw a woman do a Cool Down like that, I had to put dollar bills in her G-string.  Not sufficiently cooled down from that activity, she proceeded to get on all fours like a dog and undulate wildly before kicking her legs high in the air.  After making what looks like sexy snow angels on the ground, she contorts herself up like a nympho hobby horse and rocks back and forth.  How anyone is supposed to perform all this as a “Cool Down” technique is beyond me.  This is some serious Circe de Soliel shit.  (And I loved every second of it.)

The second episode kicks off with another “Warm-Up” where two gorgeous models stand toe to toe and do a slinky little jazzercise dance routine.  Then, it’s back to everyone’s favorite exercise, “Hands and Knees”.  While the movements of the model in this segment can’t top the wild gyrations of the first Hands and Knees sequence, the stellar camerawork and editing make sure that her assets are impeccably displayed throughout.  Next, it’s “Straddle Legs” where the model sits/lays on the floor and moves her legs like a broken windshield wiper.  It takes a bit before we get to the “Straddle” portion of the exercise, but believe me, it’s worth it.  That’s followed by “Sit-Ups”.  This is another example where Harris’s genius is on display.  He takes what in other workout tapes would’ve been a forgettable and boring exercise and thanks to the optimal camera placement, turns it into an erotic work of art.  “Aerobics” is next.  Two models perform acalisthenics routine consisting mostly of variations of Jumping Jacks.  This is probably the most traditional segment of the entire tape and doesn’t feature much of the unhinged qualities I typically enjoy.  That doesn’t mean it’s “bad” though.  Just traditional.  The final segment is another “Cool Down” routine.  It’s a stretching routine that might give Mr. Fantastic issues, especially the part where the model sticks her head between her legs and is about THIS close to kissing her own ass. 

The models, of course, are all beautiful.  One of them is Darcy De Moss from Friday the 13th Part 6.  (The Jason theme continues!)  They really deserve as much credit for the show’s success as Harris because they are among the most limber ladies it’s been my pleasure to watch in a workout tape. 

The camerawork is exquisite too.  By “exquisite”, I mean it captures a lot of shots of cleavage and jiggling buttocks.  The rhythmic motions of the models, combined with the subliminally hypnotic editing and soothing narration makes the whole thing play like ASMR.  And I don’t mean Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response.  I’m talking about Awesome Shit Men Respond to.  

You will not find Aerobicise:  The Ultimate Workout in the MoMA.  It is not in The Criterion Collection.  It is not part of the Library of Congress’ National Film Registry.  I hope this review will change all that.

Harris later took the concept and sexed it up even more with Totally Nude Aerobics.

KUNG-FU OF EIGHT DRUNKARDS (1980) ** ½

A waiter tries to remove an old drunk customer from his restaurant, and the boozy geezer beats the snot out of him.  He then begs the old man to teach him Drunken Kung Fu.  When a villain spots the waiter using the Drunken style, he correctly assumes the Kung Fu master (his mortal enemy) is still alive and plans to set a trap for his young pupil. 

Directed by Wu Ma (who also co-directed The Water Margin and All Men are Brothers), Kung-Fu of Eight Drunkards is an agreeable if inessential Kung Fu comedy.  If you have a predilection for Drunken Master-style chopsocky, you might grade this one on a higher curve as there are plenty of booze-related training sequences and inebriated fight scenes on display.  While the action is fine for the most part, it’s just lacking a real all-out show-stopping Kung Fu set piece to put it over the top.  (The finale is pretty good, but it’s marred by too much slow motion.)  Despite a generally uneven tone, it’s still a hair or two better than most Drunken Master rip-offs (there’s a decent plot twist in the last ten minutes). 

The problem is that the comedy schtick weighs the whole thing down as a lot of the drunken shenanigans aren’t very funny.  The comic relief sidekick is even worse as his main humorous trait is having a shitty combover.  The movie gets more mileage from unintentionally funny moments like the crappy dubbing and the odd soundtrack choices.  I’m specifically thinking of the random needle drop on a banjo instrumental of “I Wish I Was in Dixie” in some scenes. 

My real issue with Kung-Fu of Eight Drunkards though was, was there even eight of them?  I mean I can’t even remember there being eight characters let alone all of them knowing Kung Fu and/or being fall down drunks.  Were they counting the villains too?  If so, I don’t think I ever saw them take a sip of hooch the entire running time.  Argh.

AKA:  Kung Fu of 8 Drunkards.