THE LAST SLUMBER PARTY (1988) *

A psycho escapes the nuthouse disguised as a doctor.  Meanwhile, a bunch of teenage girls celebrate summer vacation by throwing a slumber party.  They drink, party, and invite some guys over for a little hanky-panky.  Naturally, it doesn’t take long before the killer arrives on the scene to crash the party. 

Directed by Steven Tyler (no, not that Steven Tyler), The Last Slumber Party is a lethargic low budget entry in the slasher movie sweepstakes.  It was released in 1988, but it looks a lot older than that.  There are posters of Xanadu, Urban Cowboy, and The Bee Gees in the teenage girl’s bedroom, which suggest it was filmed in 1980 or sometime shortly thereafter.  The film suffers from poor sound and more than a few out of focus shots.   Seriously, you’re going to think the focus puller had glaucoma or something.  If that wasn’t bad enough, the characters are thoroughly annoying and the dialogue is awful.  (Sample lines include, “Cut it out, babe!” and “You stupid bitch!”)

The wild-eyed killer himself had promise as he at least looks the part with his O.R. scrubs, surgical mask, and scalpel.  He’s more effective when he’s lurking in the background than when he attacks though.  It doesn’t help that the gore is weak, and you can sometimes see the fake blood dribbling out of the scalpel before it even touches the victims’ throat.  There’s also a halfway decent twist, but the filmmakers manage to bungle that reveal too. 

The Last Slumber Party is only seventy-one minutes, which seems like a blessing, but trust me when I tell you I’ve watched three-part mini-series that felt shorter than this turd.  The drawn-out nightmare scene that occurs smack dab in the middle of the movie really brings things to a halt.  It also has one of the most tedious Final Girl sequences in horror history and to add insult to injury, just when it should be over, it continues on for another ten minutes, concluding with a thoroughly irritating “It was all a dream!  (Or was it!?!?)” ending. 

In short, don’t watch it at your next slumber party as you may fall asleep before the end credits roll. 

GREEN INFERNO (1988) ** ½

This isn’t the Eli Roth movie, but rather the ‘80s flick he stole the name from.  It was directed by Antonio Climati, who also made Savage Man, Savage Beast.  It was sold in some markets as Cannibal Holocaust 2, even though it features no cannibals or holocausts.  It’s nowhere near as exploitative as that flick and people seem to hate it on general principle, but I didn’t think it was too bad. 

The fractured narrative is the film’s biggest issue.  An expedition goes looking for a missing professor in the South American jungle.  Once there, they stumble upon a village that has been ravaged by gold hunters.  There are also subplots about trapping monkeys and snakes that help pad things out.  Speaking of animals, the film doesn’t have the wanton scenes of animal cruelty as you’d normally see in these kinds of things, although I don’t think anyone would be handing the filmmakers the “No Animals were Harmed in the Making of this Movie” seal of approval anytime soon. 

Despite having its share of problems, Green Inferno is almost always entertaining.  There’s a fun scene in the beginning where the characters steal a plane and taxi it down the highway as puzzled pedestrians look on.  The interview with a head shrinker (who inexplicably has a poster of Paul Newman in his workshop) is pretty amusing too.  There are also frog races, people giving monkeys CPR, maggot eating, and plenty of native nudity.  The most memorable scene comes when a man-eating fish swims up a guy’s ass and a member of the team has to reach in there and pull it out before he gets eaten from the inside out.  Another icky moment finds a gold thief being punished by having a snake bite him on the dick. 

As Jemma, the reporter of the group, May Deseligny has a Tisa Farrow kind of quality about her.  Although this was to be her only role, she is pretty good.  The male characters are pretty bland and interchangeable, but that isn’t really a big deal. 

AKA:  Cannibal Holocaust 2.

TRUCK TURNER (1974) *** ½

Isaac Hayes won an Oscar for his theme song for Shaft, so when it came time to do the score for Truck Turner, he asked if he could star in it and the producers said, “Why not?”  Hayes plays the eponymous badass bounty hunter (in a role originally intended for Robert Mitchum!) who inadvertently stirs up a hornets’ nest when he is forced to kill a pimp named Gator while trying to collect a bounty.  Gator’s death almost immediately creates a power vacuum on the streets.  Things come to a head when his main lady (Star Trek’s Nichelle Nichols) puts an open hit out on Truck Turner with Gator’s stable of saucy streetwalkers being the prize. 

Director Jonathan (Bad Girls) Kaplan delivers on the demands of the genre in the form of car chases, barroom brawls, and shootouts, but with slightly more flair than you may expect.  (The hospital gunfight finale is especially memorable.)  He also offers up such interesting sights as a pimp’s funeral along the way.  Most of the fun comes from how rapidly the plot escalates into an all-out war. 

Hayes delivers a fine turn in his first starring vehicle.  He has an affable world weariness that suits the character nicely.  While his theme song falls short of the heights of Shaft, it remains a solid second tier blaxploitation anthem.  Likewise, the film falls just short of the classics of the genre, but it remains one entertaining blast of Blaxploitation goodness. 

Hayes is buoyed by a murderer’s row of talent in the supporting cast.  Yaphet Kotto makes for a fine foil as a villainous pimp.  We also have Dick Miller as a lawyer, Scatman Crothers as a retired pimp, Stan Shaw as a young pimp, and Werewolf Woman’s Annik Borel as a sex worker.  It’s Nichols who’s the most entertaining.  You haven’t lived till you’ve seen the usually demure Lt. Uhura playing a foul-mouthed trash talking streetwalker. 

Editor Michael Kahn went on to be the go-to editor for Spielberg. 

AKA:  Black Bullet.  AKA:  Chicago Poker.

THE MUMMY’S DUNGEON (1993) ***

Ramses (Sal Longo) wants to revive an ancient Egyptian god, and of course, in order to do so, he needs virgin blood.  He lures unsuspecting models to his basement for photo shoots where he sacrifices them on an altar and lets his mummy sidekick (Dave Castiglione) have his way with them.  When her twin sister is killed by Ramses, Kris (Amanda Madison) goes looking for answers. 

The Mummy’s Dungeon is a lot different from other W.A.V.E. movies.  In most of these things, women undress, get chained up, and are killed.  In this one, women undress, get chained up, and are killed while a decrepit mummy stands around licking his chops.  It’s a totally different thing. 

The movie boasts what has to be the ickiest looking mummy the screen has seen since Dawn of the Mummy.  The scenes of him licking and biting helpless maidens are surprisingly effective.  The sacrifice scenes have a Blood Feast kind of feel to them, although aside from one solid heart-ripping scene, they aren’t all that gory.  The film is also filled with photo shoot sequences (including one inspired by Basic Instinct where the model has to keep crossing and uncrossing her legs) and Psycho-inspired shots of Longo peeping on the models changing. 

Despite the overall air of seediness, there is very little in the way of nudity, other than a couple of nip slips.  That’s not really a criticism, but more of an observation.  I mean W.A.V.E. movies are more or less critic-proof to begin with.  You either dig whatever particular brand of nuttiness they’ve dreamed up, or you don’t. 

The cast is solid all the way around.  Longo once again brings his amusing antics to the table as the psycho photographer.  Castiglione impressively manages to make his character memorable even while buried under tons of make-up and bandages.  The line-up of W.A.V.E. starlets, including Michelle Caporaletti, Christie Clark, and Terri Lewandowski, are also quite good at playing their doomed characters.  

FANTASTIC FANTASY FRIGHT-O-RAMA SHOW VOL. 1 (1996) *** ½

Something Weird concocted another winner when they made this horror and Sci-Fi trailer compilation tape.  What makes this collection so much fun is that it offers a good mix of eras (from the ‘50s to the ‘70s) and subgenres (everything from giant lizards to Edgar Allan Poe adaptations).  We also get a nice blend of respectable studio films (The Illustrated Man, Fantastic Voyage, and Escape from the Planet of the Apes) and low budget schlock (The Giant Claw, Beast from Haunted Cave, and Werewolf in a Girls’ Dormitory).  Speaking of which, many trailers for films that played on Mystery Science Theater 3000 show up here too (like The Giant Gila Monster, The Unearthly, and Bride of the Monster).  Other highlights include the awesome sounds of The Rivingtons’ “The Bird’s the Word” playing throughout the trailer for The Crawling Hand (which was another MST3K favorite.)

We are also treated to a lot of previews for films from the masters of the macabre like Vincent Price (The Conqueror Worm, House of Usher, and Cry of the Banshee), and Christopher Lee (Horror Hotel, The Oblong Box, and Night of the Blood Monster).  Fans of terrific taglines will be in hog heaven as well.  Some of my favorites include, “The fun finger points to Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine!”  The trailer for The Face of Fu Manchu announces its title character as “The sinister minister of fear!”  The ad for Five Million Years to Earth promises, “Women will be defiled by the invaders from outer space!” and The Crimson Cult boasts, “Every victim violated!”  How can you not want to see THAT?  I did think it was odd that some trailers for color movies are in black and white (most notably Peeping Tom), but that doesn’t in any way ruin the fun. 

And kids!  Don’t forget to pick up your “Black Stamps” when you catch a double feature of The Gorgon and The Curse of the Mummy’s Tomb!

Here’s the complete trailer rundown:  Jason and the Argonauts, Captain Sindbad (sp), Horror Hotel, The Raven, The Crawling Hand, The Haunted Palace, Children of the Damned, a double feature of The Gorgon and The Curse of the Mummy’s Tomb, 7 Faces of Dr. Lao, First Men in the Moon, Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine, The Face of Fu Manchu, a double feature of Die Monster Die and Planet of the Vampires, Fantastic Voyage, What’s up Tiger Lily?, The Fearless Vampire Killers, One Million Years B.C., Barbarella, Thunderbirds are Go, Five Million Years to Earth, Kiss and Kill (AKA:  The Blood of Fu Manchu), Brides of Blood, The Conqueror Worm, The Evil, Phantasm, Up from the Depths, The Abominable Dr. Phibes, Escape from the Planet of the Apes, The Love Factor, Peeping Tom, Circus of Horrors, Beast from Haunted Cave, The Little Shop of Horrors, The Devil’s Partner, The Premature Burial, Werewolf in a Girls' Dormitory, The Giant Gila Monster, The Giant Behemoth, Godzilla King of the Monsters, Earth vs. the Flying Saucers, Gorgo, Konga, Bride of the Monster, The Day the Earth Stood Still, Enemy from Space, The Giant Claw, The Unearthly, Reptilicus, King Kong vs. Godzilla, The Leech Woman, House of Usher, The Devil’s Bride, The Crimson Cult, The Valley of Gwangi, The Illustrated Man, The Green Slime, The Oblong Box, The Dunwich Horror, a double feature of The Crimson Cult and Horror House, Count Yorga Vampire, Cry of the Banshee, House of Dark Shadows, Night of the Blood Monster, and a double feature of Countess Dracula and Vampire Circus. 

TRAILERS #16: SWORD/SANDAL (1992) ***

Sword and Sandal epics from the ‘50s and ‘60s aren’t necessarily my favorite genre, but after I recently had fun with the Muscles, Maidens, and Monsters compilation, I figured I’d watch another Something Weird trailer compilation devoted to them. 

There are some definite highlights here as the best trailers often have a tinge of horror and/or Sci-Fi elements that help to differentiate them from dozens of other interchangeable toga epics.  There’s the wild looking trailer for Goliath and the Vampire which features some gnarly carnage.  Winged creatures and phony looking bears are tossed around in the preview for Goliath and the Dragon.  The coming attractions for Ulysses boasts Kirk Douglas squaring off against a giant cyclops.  The special effects wizardry of Ray Harryhausen is on display in the trailers for Jason and the Argonauts, The 7th Voyage of Sinbad, The Golden Voyage of Sinbad, Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger, and Clash of the Titans.  Atlantis:  The Lost Continent has animal men straight out of the Island of Dr. Moreau and the flying zombies of Mario Bava’s Hercules in the Haunted World are pretty cool looking.  Speaking of old Herc, there are plenty of previews for his adventures, including one for a double feature of Hercules and Hercules Unchained starring Steve Reeves and there’s even an ad for the Lou Ferrigno version from the ‘80s too. 

About halfway through, the format changes and instead of trailers, we get to watch an unsold Hercules pilot directed by Albert (Ghoulies 2) Band, produced by Joseph E. Levine (who also produced the Steve Reeves Hercules movies), and starring Gordon Scott called Hercules and the Princess of Troy (***).  Hercules liberates a slave ship and heads to Troy to do battle with a sea monster who has a nasty habit of eating up the city’s virgins.  It’s pretty decent, all things considered.  It looks much more like a feature than a TV show and the sea monster is legitimately cool looking, at least once it hits dry land.  (Even if it does look more like a giant cockroach than a “sea monster”.)

For the last half hour or so, things switch back to the trailer format, except this time they have a more jungle inspired theme.  My guess is that Something Weird ran out of Italian musclemen trailers in a hurry, so in an effort to fill out a two-hour tape, they gave us musclemen of the Jungle Jim/Tarzan variety.  (Also included are trailers for serials like King of the Congo and Panther Girl of the Kongo ).

Overall, it’s a fun way to kill two hours, even if they kind of forget the theme by the end.  There are also some great taglines along the way.  My favorite was for War of the Zombies, which promises:  “Bloodless men in the bloodiest battle ever screened!”

The complete trailer list is as follows:  Atlas, Goliath and the Vampires, Goliath and the Dragon, Ulysses, Duel of the Titans, Atlantis:  The Lost Continent, a double feature of Hercules and Hercules Unchained, Hercules Unchained, Hercules in the Haunted World, Hercules Against the Moon Men, Giant of Metropolis, Gladiators Seven, Erik the Conqueror, Jason and the Argonauts, War of the Zombies, Knives of the Avenger, The 7th Voyage of Sinbad, The Golden Voyage of Sinbad, Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger, The Wizard of Baghdad, Thief of Baghdad, Clash of the Titans, Jack the Giant Killer, Hercules (1983), Hercules and the Princess of Troy (TV pilot), King of the Congo, Panther Girl of the Kongo, Bride of the Gorilla, Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla, She Demons, Voodoo Woman, Tarzan and the She-Devil, The Naked Jungle, Tarzan’s Hidden Jungle, Liane Jungle Goddess, Hell Ship Mutiny, Love-Slaves of the Amazons, The Bride and the Beast, and Journey to the Lost City. 

AMITYVILLE FRANKENSTEIN (2023) NO STARS

A movie nerd (the always annoying Shawn C. Phillips) sits down and watches “Terror Telly”, where a horror host plays a flick called” Bungling Burglars”.  In it, two thieves break into a spooky warehouse.  While trying to steal an antique watch, they accidentally resurrect two Frankenstein creatures.  Then, there’s a preview for next week’s movie, “I Drink Tea and Watch You Die Slowly”, which is pretty self-explanatory. 

It took a while, but I finally found it.  I think I can safely say Amityville Frankenstein is the worst movie that has the word “Amityville” in the title.  That’s a bold statement I know but coming from someone who’s seen over fifty fake Amityville movies in his time, I think I can judge it accordingly. 

Folks, no movie has contained less movie than this movie. 

Amityville Frankenstein is heavily padded with the wraparound scenes with Phillips, long opening and closing credits sequences (both for the movie and for the horror host program), irritating stretches of the horror movie host rambling on, exorbitantly long scenes of people walking up stairs and/or stumbling in the dark, seemingly unending establishing shots (sometimes of locations that have already been firmly established), and annoyingly long shots of someone getting electrocuted. 

The scenes of Phillips mugging for the camera and shoving food in his mouth are rather insufferable.  The stuff with the horror host isn’t nearly as bad, but it’s still pretty useless.  And the less said about “I Drink Tea and Watch You Die Slowly”, the better. 

It’s only sixty-two minutes long, but it feels about three times that length.  If I had to guess, I’d say there’s only about four minutes of actual “plot” in the entire running time, and that is being generous.  As someone who thinks fake Amityville movies are a guilty pleasure, Amityville Frankenstein gives the genre a bad name, and boy is that saying something.