TRAILERS #12: THE HOUSE OF HAMMER (1992) *** ½

Like the previous installment in Something Weird’s trailer compilation series, Universal Horror Classics of the ‘30s and ‘40s, Trailers #12 has a strong connecting theme, which makes it slightly more fun to watch than your average collection.  This time out, the focus is on the Hammer horror films of the ‘50s, ‘60s, and ‘70s.  Any Hammer fan worth their salt will want to seek this one out as there are a ton of Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee movies on display.  Another plus is that at ninety minutes, it’s a good half-hour shorter than your average Something Weird trailer collection, which helps make for easy, breezy viewing.  

Things kick off with a great run of Dracula trailers.  Later, we get a good string of Frankenstein previews, as well as a fun cluster of ads for Mummy movies.  Most of the highlights belong to the trailers for vampire flicks such as Dracula Has Risen from the Grave, The Vampire Lovers, Lust for a Vampire (“Welcome to the Finishing School Where They Really Do Finish You!”), Count Dracula and His Vampire Bride (AKA:  The Satanic Rites of Dracula), and The 7 Brothers Meet Dracula (“Black Belt Against Black Magic!”), but the French trailer for The Horror of Frankenstein is really cool too.    

The best part is the wealth of double feature trailers.  The Scars of Dracula is paired with The Horror of Frankenstein.  Vampire Circus screens alongside Countess Dracula.  “Black Stamps” are given away to theater patrons who see a double bill of The Gorgon and The Curse of the Mummy’s Tomb.  

It's not just trailers that make The House of Hammer so much fun.  Midway through, there’s a short behind the scenes documentary on the making of Dracula A.D. 1972 in which Christopher Lee is briefly interviewed in his home.  This is followed up by the trailer for the movie as well as some really awesome vintage intermission ads, including the immortal “Let’s All Go to the Lobby” short.  That to me, is worth the price of admission.

Here's the full line-up of trailers:  Horror of Dracula, The Brides of Dracula, Dracula Has Risen from the Grave, Frankenstein Must Be Destroyed, Taste the Blood of Dracula, The Vampire Lovers, a double feature of The Scars of Dracula and The Horror of Frankenstein, When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth, a double feature of Countess Dracula and Vampire Circus, The Hound of the Baskervilles, The Mummy, X the Unknown, Frankenstein and the Monster from Hell, Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter, Five Million Years To Earth, One Million Years B.C., a double feature of Curse of the Mummy's Tomb and The Gorgon, Lust for a Vampire, Dr. Jekyll and Sister Hyde, Twins of Evil, Dracula A.D. 1972 Featurette: Prince of Terror, Dracula A.D. 1972, The Devil's Bride, Enemy from Space, Count Dracula and his Vampire Bride (AKA:  The Satanic Rites of Dracula), Dracula: Prince of Darkness, Night Creatures, The Curse of Frankenstein, The Revenge of Frankenstein, The Evil of Frankenstein, Frankenstein Created Woman, The Horror of Frankenstein (French), The Curse of the Werewolf, The Kiss of the Vampire, The 7 Brothers Meet Dracula, The Gorgon, The Phantom of the Opera, The Vengeance of She, The Curse of the Mummy's Tomb, The Mummy's Shroud, Blood from the Mummy's Tomb, and To the Devil a Daughter.

TRAILERS #11: UNIVERSAL HORROR CLASSICS OF THE ‘30S AND ‘40S (1992) ***

Fans of the old school Universal monsters are sure to enjoy this trailer compilation from Something Weird.  Boris Karloff, Bela Lugosi, and Lon Chaney Jr. are featured in many of the previews too, starring in both their immortal classics as well as a few lesser Universal B programmers.  Sure, lots of these trailers have appeared in Something Weird’s previous trailer comps before, but it’s nice to have them all in collected in one convenient place.  If seeing trailers for all your favorite horror flicks starring Frankenstein, Dracula, The Wolf Man, and The Mummy wasn’t enough, we also get plenty of previews for Universal’s Inner Sanctum thrillers and Sherlock Holmes mysteries.  There’s also a bunch of ads for Abbott and Costello comedies, which is always a plus.  

Most of the Universal trailers in these collections are from the Realart re-releases, and while there are a lot of those here, we also get a bunch of Universal titles from the Screen Gems television package, which is pretty cool.  Some of the highlights include The Invisible Man Returns (narrated by John Carradine), Black Friday (which plays up the publicity stunt where Bela Lugosi was really hypnotized before his acting out his death scene), The Black Cat (“You’ll Forget You Ever Saw Frankenstein or Dracula!”), June Lockhart as the She-Wolf of London (“Beauty or Beast?  Woman or Monster?”), and Abbott and Costello Meet Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (“You’ll Howl When They Go ‘POW’!”).

While it’s fun seeing all the familiar faces of the Universal horror stable being trotted out again, it’s the more obscure trailers that are often the most interesting, if only because they aren’t played out as much.  Among them:  Atomic Monster (the re-release title of Man Made Monster), Nightmare, The Mystery of Marie Roget, and The Cat Creeps.  Volume #11 may not be one of the best trailer collections in the Something Weird line, but I do respect the fact that it has a more cohesive theme than many of the other compilations in the series.  Because of that, it’s well-worth checking out.

The complete trailer round-up is as follows:  Dracula, Frankenstein, The Mummy, Murders in the Rue Morgue, Werewolf of London, Bride of Frankenstein, Dracula's Daughter, The Invisible Ray, Son of Frankenstein, The Invisible Man Returns, Black Friday, The Wolf Man, The Atomic Monster (AKA:  Man Made Monster), The Black Cat, Night Monster, The Ghost of Frankenstein, Nightmare, Son of Dracula, Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man, The Mystery of Marie Roget, Phantom of the Opera (1943), The Climax, House of Frankenstein, House of Dracula, The Cat Creeps, She-Wolf of London, Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein, Abbott and Costello Meet the Killer, Boris Karloff, The Strange Door, Abbott and Costello Meet Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy, Mystery of the White Room, Night Key, The Mummy's Hand, The Mummy's Tomb, The Mummy's Curse, The Mummy's Ghost, Horror Island, Calling Dr. Death, Weird Woman, The Frozen Ghost, Pillow of Death, A Dangerous Game, Captive Wild Woman, Jungle Captive, Murder in the Blue Room, The Time of Their Lives, The Invisible Woman, Invisible Agent, Abbott and Costello Meet the Invisible Man, Terror by Night, The Spider Woman, Dressed to Kill, The House of Fear, The Pearl of Death, The Scarlet Claw, House of Horrors, Ghost Catchers, and Man of a Thousand Faces.

TRAILERS #7: HORROR AND SCI-FI OF THE ‘50S, ‘60S, AND ‘70S (1992) *** ½

Trailers #7:  Horror and Sci-Fi of the ‘50s, ‘60s and ‘70s is one of the better compilations in the Something Weird trailer series.  Since the ‘70s get some love this time around, that means there’s a healthy amount of color trailers to be found.  This is a nice change of pace after so many predominantly black and white collections.  Among the ‘70s classics collected here are Halloween, Dawn of the Dead, and The Exorcist.  There are also some ‘80s trailers like The Shining, Mother’s Day, and even The Empire Strikes Back (narrated by an exuberant Harrison Ford) tossed in there for good measure. 

Some of my favorites were for Fiend Without a Face, Barbarella (“See Barbarella Do Her Thing!”), and Hollywood Boulevard.  Other highlights include Blood Beast from Outer Space (“Space Creatures Snatch Girls to Mysterious Planets!”), The Omega Man, a television spot for the made for TV flick Killdozer, a double feature of The War of the Gargantuas and Monster Zero, Cut-Throats Nine (in which patrons are given a “Terror Mask”), and a double feature of The Black Belly of the Tarantula and The Weekend Murders (“The Whodunit and the What-Did-It?”)  I was also happy to see director Ishiro Honda’s work well-represented as there are trailers for The Human Vapor (“Is He Man or Astro-Man?”), Latitude Zero, and Godzilla. 

I’ve seen the first six collections in the series and all of them have been rather tame, so it was a breath of fresh air to get some sleazy shit like Venom (“Originally Banned in Denmark Itself!”) and Ilsa She-Wolf of the SS in the mix.  It was also a nice surprise to see a couple of Doris Wishman trailers (Let Me Die a Woman and A Taste of Flesh) in there as well.  The last half-hour or so is particularly fun as it is chockful of short and sweet TV spots that come at a fast and furious clip. 

In addition to the great trailers, there are also plenty of spookshow ads, concession stand commercials, coming attraction snipes, and theater ads.  My favorite was an anti-juvenile delinquent ad asking patrons not to cut up the theater seats and advising them to help “keep youngsters in line”.  Repeat trailers from other volumes (Children of the Damned, The Monster That Challenged the World, and Squirm) are also kept to a minimum, which certainly helps cement #7’s status as one of Something Weird’s best collections. 

The complete trailer round-up is as follows:  A spookshow ad, a double feature of The Thing from Another World and The Man Who Turned to Stone, Fiend Without a Face, Barbarella, Rodan, Blood Beast from Outer Space, The Giant Gila Monster, The Alligator People, Curse of the Fly, concession stand ad, Children of the Damned, an anti-juvenile delinquent ad, The Gamma People, The Day of the Triffids, Attack of the Crab Monsters, The Human Vapor, Target Earth, Varan the Unbelievable, The Creeping Unknown, The Omega Man, 20 Million Miles to Earth, Latitude Zero, Unknown Terror, The Monster That Challenged the World, The Andromeda Strain, Monster from Green Hell, Five, First Men in the Moon, This Island Earth, The Invisible Ray, Forbidden Planet, Godzilla: King of the Monsters!, Midnight, The Shining, It's Alive, The Little Girl Who Lives Down the Lane, Halloween, Dawn of the Dead, Killdozer, The Empire Strikes Back, The Rats Are Coming! The Werewolves Are Here!, Squirm, Hollywood Boulevard, Let Me Die a Woman, a double feature of The War of the Gargantuas and Monster Zero, Cut-Throats Nine, Frankenstein's Bloody Terror, The Cars That Eat People, A Taste of Flesh, The Bird with the Crystal Plumage, Venom, Don't Go in the House, Mother's Day, Caveman, Dracula's Dog, War Goddess, The Night Child, Satan's Cheerleaders, The Exorcist, Goliathon (AKA:  The Mighty Peking Man), My Bloody Valentine, a double feature of Black Belly of the Tarantula and The Weekend Murders, Man from the Deep River, Raiders of the Lost Ark, The Fury, Horror of the Blood Monsters, The Golden Voyage of Sinbad, Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger, Beyond the Door, a double feature of Beyond the Door II and The Dark, One Million Years B.C., Berserk!, Bug, Phase IV, a double feature of Blood from the Mummy's Tomb and Night of the Blood Monster, Silent Night, Evil Night (AKA:  Black Christmas), and Ilsa: She Wolf of the SS.

PUPPET MASTER: DOKTOR DEATH (2022) * ½

An old man passes away in a nursing home.  In his personal effects, the orderlies find a puppet called Doktor Death.  Before long, the pint-sized psychotic physician is running around the home offing patients, nurses, and staff.  The new nurse on duty, April (Jenny Boswell) just may be the only one capable of stopping the deadly doll’s reign of terror.  

I’ve seen most of the Puppet Master movies.  None of them are what you would call scary, but there are a few that offer up some silly fun.  If I’m being completely honest, seeing a little doll kill infirmed and defenseless old people isn’t exactly my idea of fun.  

I guess they could’ve approached this with a bit of social commentary.  Have the doll act as sort of a Dr. Kevorkian to the terminal patients or something.  That wouldn’t have been fun either, but at least the filmmakers could’ve made a statement about… something.  I guess that’s probably asking too much from a Puppet Master spin-off.

About halfway through, the doll takes to climbing inside his victims and makes them walk around like puppets so he can kill more people.  I have a suspicion this was done not because it was a neat idea (it isn’t) or an interesting visual (it’s not), but because it saved money on puppeteers.  The appeal of these movies has always been little dolls killing people.  Take that away and you’re not left with a whole lot, I’m afraid.  

Puppet Master:  Doktor Death is less than an hour long (like many of Full Moon’s recent films), but it still feels slow in places.  Even with the scant running time, there’s still a lot of padding.  (In addition to flashbacks from previous installments, we also have flashbacks to scenes that happened five minutes ago.)  Some of the death scenes are gory, but not enough to be memorable.  It also loses points for introducing a potentially interesting psychic character played by former Scream Queen Melissa Moore, and then doing absolutely nothing with her.  

The complete non-ending sucks too.  Imagine if they took one of those post-credit scenes in a Marvel movie and tried to pass it off as the climax.  Emily Sue Bengston is the only bright spot as the sexy nurse with an alluring bedside manner, but other than her engaging presence, this Puppet Master is not what the Doktor ordered.  

PEARL (2022) ****

Pearl takes place on a rural farm in 1918, which as it turns out, isn’t much different than today.  There’s a pandemic going on, so everybody has to wear masks when they go into town.  It is now, as it was then, such a bleak time that movies are the primary source of escape.  Another sentiment that is just as true now as it was a hundred years ago:  Brushing aside your hopes and dreams due to family responsibilities, which builds an intense resentment that borders on psychosis.  You know, the usual.  

Pearl (Mia Goth) is a farm girl with dreams of being a movie star.  Her domineering mother (Tandi Wright) does her best to keep her on the farm to care for her invalid father (Matthew Sunderland), but she can’t stop Pearl from going down to the picture show.  Despite the fact she’s married, and her hubby is off to war, Pearl has a fling with the local projectionist (David Corenswet), who tells her about a local audition to be a dancing girl.  You know the feeling when you want something so bad that you would just snap if you didn’t get it?  That’s what happens to poor Pearl.

Although Pearl is a prequel to X, it stands on its own two feet just fine.  While the setting and the occasional callback (or would it be a callforward?) are nice for fans of that film, unlike a lot of prequel filmmakers, director and co-writer Ti West resists the urge to nudge the audience and ask, “Hey, remember that?”  He does a good job at planting seeds for the future, but not at the expense of the moment.

Goth was quite good in X, but here she gives a tour de force performance.  If you saw that film, you know her character is bound to go off the deep end at some point.  The way Pearl spirals out of control, although inevitable, still manages to be tragic, and even a bit heartbreaking.  Goth has one showstopping monologue that just rips your heart out.  It will go down as one of the greatest scenes of the year, in addition to being one of the year’s best performances.

Shortly after its release, Martin Scorsese took out a full-page ad in the trades to praise the movie.  I can see why he responded to it so much as it is a love letter to not only film, but our love of it.  I think it’s cool he went to bat for a small genre flick (and a prequel at that).  There’s also a certain kinship here with Taxi Driver as well.  

X was a riff on Tobe Hooper.  Pearl feels more like a riff on the old Psycho rip-offs that William Castle and Joan Crawford use to make.  X was a cool and sleazy little slasher.  Pearl delivers in the horror department, but something tells me it will stand the test of time, thanks to Goth’s performance.  

X went for the jugular.  Pearl goes for the heart.

PIRANHA WOMEN (2022) ***

Charles Band hired Jim Wynorski to make two movies for Full Moon in 2022, so it was only a matter of time before Fred Olen Ray got a call from old Charlie Boy.  At first, I thought this might’ve been a soft reboot of the Band-produced Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death, as the cannibal women in that movie were called “Piranha Women”.  As far as I can tell, this isn’t connected in any way, although there’s a chance it might’ve started out as a sort of remake until Fred went his own way with the material. 

Lexi (Sof Puchley) is slowly dying from an undisclosed illness.  After seeing countless doctors to no avail, she turns to Dr. Sinclair (Shary Nassimi) who has been using an experimental serum derived from piranhas to treat his patients.  The treatment only has one side effect:  It turns his patients into bloodthirsty, sex-crazed Piranha Women. 

Piranha Women is a throwback to the old mad scientist and half-man/half-animal movies of the ‘50s.  As popular as both genres are (let alone newfangled films like Sharknado), I’m surprised it’s taken this long for someone to combine piranha and women into one sexy, deadly package.  Leave to Band and Ray to come up with such a can’t-miss formula. 

I was already on board with this movie in the pre-opening credits scene where a guy picks up a gal in a bar and she thanks him for his Good Samaritan ways by biting off his pecker with her razor-sharp piranha teeth.  However, it really won me over during the scene where another Piranha Woman seduced a horny dude and her nipples transformed into hungry, chomping piranha mouths.  It might not quite be up to the monster boobs standard set by Bobbie Bresee in Mausoleum, but it is without a doubt the finest monster boob scene I’ve seen in some time.    

Another plus:  Like most of Band’s recent movies, it’s less than an hour long.  Sure, despite the abbreviated running time, there are some lulls here and there.  However, when I think back on Piranha Women (and I will think back on it), I won’t be thinking of the dull dialogue scenes.  I’ll be thinking of the monster boobs scenes.

I can’t say this is one of Ray’s all-time bests, but it is certainly the best one he’s made in some time.  Even if the film itself isn’t great as a whole, there are certainly moments here that flirt with greatness and show us a little of the old Ray magic.  Ray also wrote some wonderful lines like, “Holy shit!  It’s a goddamned piranha hot tub party!”  I hope Ray calls the sequel Piranha Women 2:  Goddamned Piranha Hot Tub Party.  That would be stellar.

FAMOUS T AND A 2 (2022) ***

I don’t know why it took Charles Band forty years (!) to make a sequel to his classic celebrity skin compilation, Famous T & A.  I guess that’s how long it took for him to edit all these clips together.  As far as four decades late sequels to nudity compilations go, this is about as good as it gets.  

Instead of Sybil Danning, we have everybody’s favorite mail girl, Diana Prince as our hostess for this skin-filled ride through cinema’s most titillating moments.  (Most of which come from the vaults of Band’s Full Moon Pictures.)  Prince makes for a knowledgeable and sexy hostess.  Her wraparound sequences are informative, and she is clearly eager to have an opportunity to present something like this without having to accompany Joe Bob Briggs for a change.

Things begin with a brief history of nudity in film, going all the way back to the silent era, to the lax morals of the swinging ‘60s.  We take a look at the work of cult directors like Russ Meyer (Faster, Pussycat!  Kill!  Kill!) and Jess Franco (Vampyros Lesbos) before focusing on Scream Queens such as Linnea Quigley (Fairy Tales), Michelle Bauer (Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama, and Brinke Stevens (also Sorority Babes).  From there, it’s pretty much a Full Moon/Surrender Cinema clip package, which isn’t the worst thing in the world.  

Band kind of plays fast and loose with the term “Famous” as many of the starlets featured come from the Full Moon family of leading ladies.  A lot of time is devoted to actresses such as Jacqueline Lovell (Head of the Family) and Charlie Spradling (Puppet Master 2).  Although they might not exactly be household names (well, in your household, anyway), they are certainly famous (and sexy) enough to warrant attention here.  While not all the clips feature gratuitous nudity, it isn’t a deal breaker or anything.  Besides, any compilation that contains tributes to Andy Sidaris and Julie Strain is okay by me.

I just hope Band doesn’t wait another four decades before he comes out with Part 3.

BIGFOOT OR BUST (2022) **

A bunch of busty Bigfoot hunters receive word of numerous Sasquatch sightings in the woods.  They then grab their crossbows and bikini tops and set out into the wilderness to find the mythic monster.  Meanwhile, a trio of busty Bigfoot hunters from the future transport down to Earth to catch the cagey cryptid.  

Jim Wynorski’s Bigfoot or Bust has quite the cast.  We have Rocky DeMarco, Becky LeBeau, Christine Nguyen, Gail Thackray, Cindy Lucas, Debbie Dutch, and Tane McClure, just to name a few.  I think the average age of the actresses in the film is over fifty.  That is in no way a criticism.  If anything, the movie is a rallying cry against ageism and sexism in modern Bigfoot cinema.  Besides, they all look great in their sexy outfits.  Age is just a number.  Kudos to Wynorski for being one of the few directors casting these actresses in these kinds of flicks and letting them still play the kinds of roles they played in the ‘90s instead of relegating them to playing moms (or grandmoms).

Also, thank God for Wynorski for writing lines like, “I heard Bigfoot likes big titties!” and “Bigfoot can sneak up on you while you’re popping a squat!”

At its heart, Bigfoot or Bust is a throwback to old nudie movies like The Beast That Killed Women.  The problem?  There is no nudity!  I don’t know if Jim is going soft on us or what, but this thing could’ve easily been PG.  In lieu of skin, we get lots of scenes of the Scream Queens jiggling and wiggling.  That’s not the worst thing in the world, but the flick might’ve squeaked by with *** if there was some skin to be found.  

Basically, it all boils down to a bunch of scenes of the women on the expedition doing various vaguely naughty things (like pouring water over their bikini-clad bodies) while the Bigfoot watches voyeuristically from the bushes.  Actually, the format is not too different from Wynorski’s Bare Wench movies, except without the shaky-cam stuff.  And nudity, sadly.  In fact, the one bit of accidental nudity is censored when LeBeau gets out of a car, and an on-screen emoji pops up to cover her wardrobe malfunction.

It's not all bad.  There’s a funny Pulp Fiction inspired scene as well as a Sergio Leone-style shootout.  The gag of Wynorski stopping the film because it has too much sex (it doesn’t) is kind of funny and was later recycled in his Giantess Battle Attack!  It’s just that it’s heavily padded with overlong scenes (on-camera interviews, music video sequences, and musical numbers) that might’ve been tolerable had there been a little nudity.  Without it, it just feels like filler.  

The stuff with the space age ladies looking for Sasquatch scat is the biggest problem.  The lame sitcom-style canned laughter in their scenes isn’t funny and many of their gags land with an audible thud.  Things really go downhill when Bigfoot sings a country song.  (Now there’s a sentence I never thought I would type.)  Despite these missteps, it’s hard to completely hate any movie that features a gratuitous scene where the entire cast of busty babes jump up and down in slow motion on a conveniently placed trampoline.

THE BANSHEES OF INISHERIN (2022) ****

We have seen numerous movies centered around the ending of a romantic relationship between a man and a woman.  The Banshees of Inisherin is a rare and special film as it is about the dissolving of a (presumably) lifelong friendship between two dudes.  If anyone has ever been dissed by a friend, it will definitely hit you in the feels, as the kids say.

The simplistic way writer/director Martin (Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri) McDonagh sets the stage is a master class of brevity.  He gives the audience the maximum amount of information about our main characters with the shortest of brushstrokes.  When Colm (Brendan Gleeson) tersely announces he no longer wants anything to do with his friend Padraic (Colin Farrell), it lands a real blow, despite the fact that we just met these two characters.  The wounded look of Padraic’s face tells us everything we need to know.  And then some.  

Surely, Colm was only joking?  Why, what reason would he just up and quit being Padraic’s friend?  Since the two live on a tiny island in Ireland, it’s hard not to run into each other, especially at the pub.  When Padraic presses for a reason, Colm’s reply is so blunt that it shocks him and the audience.

The way Padraic tries to go about his business while the pain and heartbreak of losing his best friend eats at him is gut-wrenching.  The way Colm double-down on his ultimatums to be left alone is downright jaw-dropping.  The way McDonagh tiptoes between hilarious banter and back to devastating drama is a real thing of beauty.

As good as Farrell and Gleeson were in McDonagh’s In Bruges, they somehow manage to excel past those lofty heights.  The rapport and chemistry (or perhaps, anti-chemistry) between them is a sight to behold.  Their scenes together showcase them both at the top of their craft and when they’re working with McDonagh’s wonderfully witty dialogue, it makes you cherish their bickering even more.  

At its heart, the film is about stubborn men acting like stubborn men.  However, there are times when we see the ripple effects of their ongoing feud throughout the town.  Could the town (or perhaps the country, as the civil war is happening over on the mainland) be a better place if two men were able to set aside their differences?  

The Banshees of Inisherin is a special movie.  As much as I liked McDonagh’s In Bruges and Three Billboards, this one is a masterwork.  It’s easily one of the best films you’ll see all year.

SUPER ATOMIC SCI-FI THRILL-O-RAMA SHOW (1995) ***

Something Weird’s Super Atomic Sci-Fi Thrill-O-Rama Show is a breezy, fun, and entertaining romp.  It collects two hours’ worth of sci-fi trailers from the ‘50s to the ‘70s.  What makes this collection so much fun is that it contains a good ratio of B movies (Phantom from Space, Attack of the Crab Monsters, and Superargo and the Faceless Giants) to more prestigious pictures (Forbidden Planet, The Time Machine, and even 2001:  A Space Odyssey). 

As is the case with many of these Something Weird trailer compilations, there are a bunch of trailers here that have turned up in their other collections.  (I’ve lost track of how many times I have sat through the trailers for Earth vs. the Flying Saucers, Return of the Fly, and The Mole People.)  That just goes with the territory when you’ve seen as many of these things as I have.  Even then, there are some trailers here that don’t normally turn up on these kinds of things, like Fire Maidens of Outer Space, UFO, and The Atomic Man.  Also included are a few double feature highlights, such as The Navy vs. the Night Monsters being paired with Women of the Prehistoric Planet and a 3-D double bill of Creature from the Black Lagoon and It Came from Outer Space. 

Most of the repeated trailers are reserved for the first hour or so.  It’s in the second half where the compilation really hits its stride as it’s here where the color trailers begin to dominate.  The ads from the ‘60s (Barbarella, Fantastic Voyage, and Five Million Years to Earth) are a lot of fun, and impressive run of ‘70s favorites (Demon Seed, Rollerball, and Death Race 2000) are particularly terrific.  Movies that later appeared on Mystery Science Theater 3000 are also well-represented in the form of Phase IV, The Giant Spider Invasion, and Laserblast.  All in all, Super Atomic Sci-Fi Thrill-O-Rama Show is a rather super compilation.

The complete line-up includes:  The Phantom Planet, Earth vs. The Flying Saucers, Fire Maidens of Outer Space, Phantom from Space, UFO, The Atomic Man, Return of the Fly, The Abominable Snowman, Children of the Damned, Them!, The Incredible Shrinking Man, Friday the 13th UFO Show ad, Attack of the Puppet People, The Day the Earth Stood Still, Invisible Invaders, Attack of the Crab Monsters, Valley of the Dragons, The Thing from Another World, The Flesh Eaters, a 3D double feature of Creature from the Black Lagoon and It Came from Outer Space, The Day Mars Invaded Earth, The Cyclops, Godzilla, King of the Monsters, The Brain Eaters, The Astounding She-Monster, Attack of the 50 Foot Woman, Enemy from Space, Intermission ad, The War of the Worlds, Forbidden Planet, Invaders from Mars, The Time Machine, Mysterious Island, On the Threshold of Space, Atlantis: The Lost Continent, Rodan, King Kong vs. Godzilla, The Day of the Triffids, The Mole People, Monster from Green Hell, It! The Terror from Beyond Space, The Monster That Challenged the World, The Crawling Hand, intermission ad, Superargo and the Faceless Giants, Planet of the Vampires, a double feature of The Navy vs. the Night Monsters and Women of the Prehistoric Planet, Barbarella, Five Million Years To Earth, Fantastic Voyage, 2001: A Space Odyssey, Silent Running, Demon Seed, Rollerball, Futureworld, Death Race 2000, The Last Days of Man on Earth, Day of the Animals, Phase IV, Empire of the Ants, The Giant Spider Invasion, Laserblast, Message from Space, Battle for the Planet of the Apes, and Conquest of the Planet of the Apes.

TRAILERS #6: HORROR/SCI-FI EXPLOITATION (1992) ***

Trailers #6:  Horror/Sci-Fi Exploitation is another solid Something Weird trailer compilation.  While it contains many titles from previous collections, most of the repeats appear here in a slightly different form, either as part of a double feature or as a re-release trailer.  Highlights include the preview for the Captain Video serial (which advertises a color sequence), Mickey Rooney as a mad dog killer (“I now pronounce you DEAD!”) in The Last Mile, and it was cool seeing Robot Monster turn up under its alternate title, Monster from Mars.  I think my favorite trailer was Common Law Wife, in which no scenes from the movie are shown.  Instead, we get a guy walking around a cheap motel room who tells us what we'll see in the film.  He also says, “You don’t have to say, ‘I do’ to be married!”  There’s also a great preview for The Killer Shrews hosted by a “doctor” who tells us, “Report to the authorities any sighting of a giant shrew!”  

There are also plenty of fun double and triple feature ads.  We get a double bill of A Bucket of Blood and (Attack of) the Giant Leeches, the double feature of The Vampire’s Coffin and Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy features a cool, multicolored Hypno-Wheel, and the triple feature ad for The Vampire, The Return of Dracula, and The Monster That Challenged the World has an awesome tagline:  “Most Nightmares Last Six Seconds.  Can You Stand One That Lasts Six Hours?”

This had the potential of being one of the best Something Weird trailer compilations.  Too bad it makes the mistake of playing the same trailers twice, which is a shame.  It’s one thing to show the same trailer from compilation to compilation, but I have to take off points for showing repeat trailers within the same volume.  In fact, it probably would’ve gotten *** ½ had it not been for all the repeats.  

That said, I did enjoy the run of “Attack” movies (Attack of the 50 Foot Woman, Attack of the Puppet People, and Attack of the Crab Monsters) that occurred midway through.  There are also plenty of ads for Toho films (King Kong vs. Godzilla, Godzilla’s Revenge, and Mothra vs. Godzilla), juvenile delinquent flicks (Teen-Age Crime Wave and Curfew Breakers), and Ray Dennis Steckler (The Incredibly Strange Creatures who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies and The Thrill Killers). 

In addition to all the trailers, the first few minutes of the unaired pilot of The Munsters are dropped in there for no real reason.  It’s random as hell, but it is neat seeing Joan Marshall as Herman’s wife “Phoebe” as she is much sexier than Yvonne De Carlo’s Lily Munster.  Oh, what could’ve been!  

The complete line-up is as follows, Bride of the Gorilla, Voodoo Woman, Gun Girls, Girls in the Night, The Oklahoma Woman, Cat-Women of the Moon, She Demons, Curse of a Teenage Nazi, The Incredible Shrinking Man, The Alligator People, a double feature of War of the Colossal Beast and Attack of the Puppet People, The Hideous Sun Demon, Night of the Blood Beast, and double feature of The Vampire's Coffin and The Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy, a double feature of The Screaming Skull and Terror From the Year 5000, Macabre, Captain Video: Master of the Stratosphere, Monster from Mars (AKA:  Robot Monster), The Electronic Monster, Earth vs. the Flying Saucers, Invaders from Mars, The Blob, I Was a Teenage Werewolf, Monster on the Campus, A Bucket of Blood, Twist All Night, Little Shop of Horrors, Common Law Wife, House on Haunted Hill, The Killer Shrews, Revenge of the Creature, Black Sunday, The Tingler, The Unearthly, I Was a Teenage Werewolf, a double feature of The Screaming Skull and Terror From the Year 5000, Five, Attack of the 50 Foot Woman, Attack of the Puppet People, Attack of the Crab Monsters, Attack of the Giant Leeches, Them!, The Killer Shrews, Tarantula, The Black Scorpion, Daughter of Horror, The Beast of Yucca Flats, The Munsters Unaired Pilot "My Fair Munster", King Kong vs. Godzilla, Godzilla's Revenge) Mothra vs. Godzilla, Terror of Mechagodzilla, The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies, The Thrill Killers, The Man from Planet X, The Last Mile, Teen-Age Crime Wave, Curfew Breakers The Mole People, Daughter of Horror, The Monster That Challenged the World, Terror in the Haunted House, Day the World Ended, a triple feature of The Vampire, The Return of Dracula, and The Monster That Challenged the World, Frankenstein, Godzilla: King of the Monsters, Abbott and Costello Go to Mars, The Beast of Yucca Flats, The Screaming Skull, War of the Colossal Beast, The Black Scorpion, The Mysterians, and The H-Man.

THE NORTHMAN (2022) *** ½

When he was a boy, Amleth (Alexander Skarsgard) saw his Viking king father (Ethan Hawke) murdered before his eyes by his asshole uncle (Claes Bang).  He took off to the hills while his uncle stole his father’s kingdom and married his mother (Nicole Kidman).  Years go by, and the now buff Amleth returns to fulfill a Viking prophecy and get revenge on his father’s killer.

The Northman is a gripping tale of Viking vengeance gussied up by director Robert (The VVitch) Eggars’ dreamy, arthouse visual style.  The best moments of the movie come when Eggars leans heavy into Viking voodoo, mysticism, and black magic.  There’s a cool scene involving a shaman and a severed head, a sweet battle where Skarsgard is forced to fight a living skeleton to claim the sword he is prophesized to vanquish his enemies with (this sequence convinced me that if they ever do King Conan, Eggars is the man to direct), and Bjork pops up as a freaky “Seeress”.  The fiery finale between Skarsgard and Bang is impressive too.

Sometimes, Eggars’ approach is a bit too ponderous and slow for its own good (especially in the second act).  However, whenever he finds his groove and melds his artsy inclinations with sword and sorcery shenanigans, the film really cooks.  There’s a particularly good twist that sets up the third act that deftly plays with the conventions of your typical revenge thriller and Eggars does a nice job muddling the waters so that Skarsgard’s quest for revenge might not be as cut-and-dry as he thought.  

The cast is strong all around.  Skarsgard makes for a solid, brooding hero and Anya Taylor-Joy is exquisite as a slave girl-turned-love interest.  Ethan Hawke also has some good moments in the prologue as Skarsgard’s doomed dad and Claes Bang has a quiet intensity as the villainous uncle.  It’s Nicole Kidman who steals the movie though (and chews the scenery) as Skarsgard’s mother.  

DORIS DECEMBER: A NIGHT TO DISMEMBER (THE “LOST” VERSION) (1983) * ½

A cloaked figure (he’s kind of like a half-assed Crypt Keeper) appears in a snow covered cemetery to tell us the story of Mary Kent (Diane Cummins).  He says if a person is struck by lightning in a certain part of their brain, it can give them “Satanic powers”.  That’s exactly what happens to poor Mary.  

After surviving the lightning strike to the cranium, Mary begins hearing voices that urge her to kill those who have wronged her.  When she finds her boyfriend Frankie (Frankie Sabat) is cheating on her with her best friend Sandy (Sandy Sabat), the pair are later found with their heads chopped off.  Then, her brother Billy (Bill Szarka) steals money and blames it on Mary.  It doesn’t take long for him to get bludgeoned to death and buried alive in a shallow grave.  Another heartless friend is axed in the bathtub.  Mary eventually finds herself pregnant, and when her parents want her to give it up for adoption, they are later found hacked up.  

So far, so not bad.  About halfway through the movie, Mary dies while giving birth.  We then flash-forward to her daughter Vicki (Dee Cummins) celebrating her sixteenth birthday.  Her mother’s voice soon begins haunting her, and eventually convinces “Crazy Vicki” to kill those who have wronged her as well.  

Apparently, the story goes that the original version of A Night to Dismember was burned by a disgruntled employee at the film lab.  This forced writer/director Doris Wishman to hastily assemble a new version on the fly using nothing but outtakes and deleted scenes.  Others claim that the star of the version that was eventually released (porn star Samantha Fox) paid Doris to put her in the movie and she used the money to film new scenes with her.  That would explain why so much of the original footage was scrapped and why Fox is nowhere to be found in this version.  Lucky(ish) for Doris fans, the original “Lost” version was found and uploaded to YouTube, which is where I finally caught up with it.

I watched the released version a few years ago and it was godawful.  It is by far Doris’s worst effort.  However, it’s been a while since I saw it, so I can’t say how much the two versions really differ.  One thing is for certain, it’s a Doris Wishman movie through and through.  There’s weird narration and voiceovers, out of synch sound, sunset footage recycled from Satan was a Lady, awkward phone conversations, the familiar apartment setting, scenes of women looking at themselves in the mirror, a death in a bathtub accompanied by an overly bombastic score, a solarized sex scene, a negative image dream scene, and of course… FEET!

While The “Lost” Version is better than the one that was eventually released, it is by no means good.  The first half is coherent, but it doesn’t exactly work.  At least the body count is healthy, although Doris really goes overboard with the shots of shadows of assorted weapons silhouetted against a white wall.  The murders are all appropriately grungy looking, and there is one truly priceless line of dialogue to be found.  (After Mary flips out, her mother asks, “When did you menstruate last?”) 

The second half (which seems to be heavily inspired by Carrie) is a real chore though.  There’s a lot of pointless slow-motion scenes and extraneous narration to help cover some of the big gaps in time (and logic).  While it’s noticeably weaker than the first half, this stretch of the film does have some decent gore.  It’s a long time coming, but the heart-ripping, head-crushing, finger-hacking finale is pretty good.  I probably wouldn’t have been so hard on it if it wasn’t for all the damned slow motion.  If Doris played all these scenes at their regular speed, the movie probably would’ve been sixty minutes instead of eighty.

Here’s the review of the version that eventually wound up being released:  

A NIGHT TO DISMEMBER  (1989)  ½ * 

(Originally posted October 31st, 2019)

Doris Wishman is my kind of filmmaker.  She goes out there and makes the movie her way.  You can look at one frame of a Doris Wishman film and know it was made by Doris Wishman.  If it’s got lots of close-ups of feet, no synch sound, and looks like a series of people’s last known photographs, you can bet your ass it’s a Wishman flick.

When Wishman is cooking, she often hits it out of the park.  Anyone who’s ever sat through Let Me Die a Woman, Deadly Weapons, or Nude on the Moon will attest to that.  However, her misses are about as bad as they come.  (The Amazing Transplant, anyone?)  That’s why it pains me to say A Night to Dismember just might be her worst flick.  

It’s not really her fault.  You see, according to legend, some disgruntled lab employee burned the film print.  Wishman then had to scramble, cutting the movie together using odd ends, discarded footage, and whatever scraps she could find.  She added some newly shot footage, and then cobbled it all together and released it on an unsuspecting public.  

Trying to follow the story will give you mental whiplash.  It revolves around the bizarre murders of a troubled family.  Things kick off with a gruesome ax murder in the tub, but then the murderess slips and falls on her ax.  Most of the time, the editing is so rapid fire that simple scenes are hard to figure out.  Shots are repeated, slow motion is used for like, two seconds, shots alternate from night to day, and there are long negative scenes; all of which are usually accompanied by overbearing, out of place library music.

A narrator constantly runs his mouth to try to make sense of the plot.  (It’s really nothing more than your standard let’s-drive-a-relative-crazy plot, but the way it’s told is just confusing as fuck.)  This movie has more narration than The Creeping Terror and Monster a Go-Go combined.  Occasionally, we do hear a snippet of dialogue or two, but it’s clearly just Wishman’s voice dropping in a few lines here and there.  

I like Wishman.  That’s why it hurts to say this flick is a disaster of epic proportions.  Still, it’s a miracle it exists in any way, shape, or form considering the circumstances.  That alone is a testament to Wishman’s tenacity.  

Recently, a print of the original version was miraculously found.  I don’t know if my nerves could stand to watch that one so soon after subjecting myself to this.  Judging solely from the evidence here, I’d say they burned the wrong movie.

DORIS DECEMBER RANKINGS:

1. Deadly Weapons 

2. Let Me Die a Woman

3. Love Toy

4. Bad Girls Go to Hell

5. Double Agent 73

6. The Immoral Three

7. Indecent Desires

8. Come with Me My Love

9. My Brother’s Wife

10. The Hot Month of August

11. The Sex Perils of Paulette

12. Another Day, Another Man

13. A Taste of Flesh

14. Nude on the Moon

15. Diary of a Nudist

16. Too Much Too Often

17. Gentlemen Prefer Nature Girls

18. Hideout in the Sun

19. Satan was a Lady

20. Blaze Starr Goes Nudist

21. The Amazing Transplant

22. A Night to Dismember (The “Lost” Version)

23. The Prince and the Nature Girl

24. Passion Fever

25. Keyholes are for Peeping or Is There Life After Marriage?

26. A Night to Dismember

Well, that brings Doris December to a close.  If you still can’t get enough retrospectives of cult directors, be sure to keep your eyes peeled as I will be ringing in the New Year with another set of reviews spotlighting a B movie auteur.  Join me for Janua-RAY when we will be celebrating all things Ray Dennis Steckler!

DORIS DECEMBER: SATAN WAS A LADY (1975) **

Satan was a Lady was Doris Wishman’s first foray into hardcore pornography.  Up until then, she had made many “roughie” movies, but none of them crossed the line into full-on penetration.  I tried to be as forgiving as I could seeing as Doris was just getting her feet (no pun intended) wet in the genre.  Even with that in mind, it’s kind of tough to sit through in some places.

Terry (Annie Sprinkle) catches her little sister Claudia (Bree Anthony) engaging in pre-marital sex with her fiancé Victor (Tony Richards).  She then goes running into the arms of Bobby (Bobby Astyr) for a little bondage action.  Later, it’s revealed Terry is also romancing Victor behind her sister’s back.  

Other than Sprinkle’s bondage scene, the sex scenes are mostly cliché (there’s even a part where lovers bang on a bear skin rug in front of a fireplace for God’s sake) and unsexy, which is the main problem, seeing as this is a sex flick and all.  It doesn’t help that one of the scenes plays out in a long loop, unapologetically replaying the same footage again and again.  Even with the engaging presence of Sprinkle, they are mostly lackluster.  It’s telling that the best part of the movie is Sprinkle’s solo scene where she pleasures herself.  I have a feeling Doris did very little directing on this sequence.  She just put the camera down and let Sprinkle do all the work.  In fact, if it wasn’t for Annie’s sex appeal, Satan was a Lady would’ve been completely forgettable.

This isn’t one of Wishman’s best, but there are plenty of her trademarks on display:  Awkward phone conversations, odd dubbing and voiceovers (that’s Doris’s voice as the characters’ “thoughts”), the recycling of stock footage from her old nudie movies, pointless scenes of people walking in Central Park to help pad out the running time, a long negative image sex scene, and of course, feet (although, quite honestly, not as many as I was expecting).  It’s all pretty much plotless and dull until the completely random Diabolique-inspired twist ending occurs.  Since there had been so little plot leading up to the big reveal, it was hard to care about the outcome either way.   

DORIS DECEMBER: COME WITH ME MY LOVE (1976) ***

I bet you guys and gals thought Doris December was over.  Well, after watching twenty-two Doris Wishman movies in three days’ time, I just needed a little break.  Before the month is out, I plan on watching a couple of her forays into the world of hardcore smut.  First up is Come with Me My Love.  

In 1925, a jealous husband (Jeffrey Hurst) catches his wife (Ursula Austin) and her lover in the throes of passion.  Enraged, he guns them both down before turning the weapon on himself.  Fifty years later, a woman who resembles his dead wife (also Austin) rents the apartment where the murders took place.  Before long, the ghost of the husband is not only seducing her, but also killing anyone who makes love to her.  

This is actually a decent little horror porno, made all the more interesting by all the trademark Doris Wishman touches.  Wishman’s films always had a handmade feel to them, and this one is no different.  Her fingerprints are all over this one.  (She obviously dubbed the “voice” of the ghostly whispering.)  If you’re hoping to see Doris’ signature cinematic flourishes on display, Come with Me My Love doesn’t disappoint.  She gives us random shots of feet, inexplicable narration, shoddy voiceovers, predominantly one apartment location (when Austin goes to Annie Sprinkle’s apartment, she remarks it looks exactly like hers) gratuitous shots of clothing hitting the floor, long scenes of characters looking at themselves in the mirror, bathtub scenes with an overly bombastic score, and awkward phone conversations.  There’s also an instance where Doris reuses footage from one of her previous films, in this case the sparking ring scene from Double Agent 73 to simulate the sparks during the bathtub electrocution scene.  Her penchant for negative shots also crops up again during the (overused) shots of the “ghost” spying on Austin.

Surprisingly enough, Doris does a more than competent job on the sex scenes as they are above average as far as ‘70s smut movies go.  (The stereotypically ‘70s porn music is particularly good.)  Editing was never Wishman’s strong suit but Come with Me My Love is put together rather well.  There’s a real rhythm to the cutting during the sex scenes (especially the group ones) that help enhance the sensuality.  Many of these scenes even have a sense of humor about them (like when Vanessa del Rio says she’s giving her boyfriend “something to eat” and the camera cuts to him going down on her), which helps make them even more engaging.  

It also helps that the story is simple but effective.  Besides, there’s enough sex and violence here to satisfy fans of either the XXX or horror genre.  Even though some may look down on it because it’s a porno, Come with Me My Love remains one of Wishman’s best efforts.  

AKA:  Come with Me, My Ghost.  AKA:  Stay with Me My Love.  AKA:  With Me My Love.  AKA:  The Haunted Pussy.

BLACK ADAM (2022) **

Black Adam has been The Rock’s passion project for years.  It seems like ever since he became a movie star he’s been wanting to play Black Adam.  You would never know this from looking at him in the movie as he at all times seemed broody, gloomy, and bored.  Maybe it was a case of miscasting.  The Rock is a likeable, funny, gregarious guy.  Seeing him play such a predominantly petulant superhero isn’t very much fun at all.  Even when he does crack the errant joke, it lands with a thud, thanks to his stoneface delivery. 

An archaeologist (Sarah Shahi) looking for the Crown of McGuffin unleashes the ancient superhero Black Adam from his centuries-long slumber to save her from some bad guys.  She and her annoying son (Bodhi Sabongui) then try to acclimate Adam to the 21st century, but they are interrupted by the Justice Society who want Adam to surrender to them.  When a bad dude dons the crown and becomes a devilish monster bent on bringing Hell on Earth, Adam reluctantly joins forces with the Justice Society to save the day.  

I guess the draw here is that Black Adam is an anti-hero, who unlike Superman, uses his superpower to kill bad guys.  We know he’s an anti-hero because there’s a scene where he watches Clint Eastwood in The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly on TV.  You know, just in case we needed it spelled out for us.  Other than the fact that he occasionally turns dudes into skeletons and shit, it's another day at the superhero office.  

The best moments belong to the Justice Society.  So much so that you kind of wish you were watching them starring in their own movie.  Aldis Hodge does a fine job as the leader, Hawkman.  Noah Centineo gets the only laughs in the movie as the bumbling Atom Smasher who is still getting used to his Giant-Man-style powers.  (Seeing Henry Winkler turn up in a cameo as the previous version of the character was cool too.)  Quintessa Swindell is also quite good as the superheroine Cyclone, but it’s Pierce Brosnan who steals the movie as Dr. Fate.  He's dashing, debonair, and badass playing a character that’s equal parts Doctor Strange and The Shadow, and even gets to dust off some of that old time James Bond charisma.  

Watching this with the knowledge that he won’t be coming back, this is (probably) the last time we get to see Henry Cavill as Superman.  Traditionally, Black Adam is the flipside of Shazam, but The Rock strongarmed Shazam out of the movie in favor of Superman.  It’s funny because he’s only on screen for about five seconds and says, “We should talk”.  About what, we’ll never know since the DC Universe is getting chucked into the toilet and rebooted.  If they keep making movies as forgettable as Black Adam, I’d say a reboot is needed the sooner the better.  

DC EXTENDED UNIVERSE RANKING:  

Batman v Superman:  Dawn of Justice: ****

Man of Steel:  ****

Aquaman:  *** ½

Wonder Woman:  *** ½

Justice League:  *** ½

Shazam!:  ***

Suicide Squad:  ***

The Suicide Squad:  ** ½ 

Black Adam:  **

WW84:  * ½ 

Birds of Prey (And the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn):  * ½

THE MEAN ONE (2022) **

The Mean One has a great idea.  What if The Grinch not only stole Christmas, but slaughtered everyone who celebrated it?  We’ve had horror versions of children’s stories before (mostly fairy tales and shit), so why not The Grinch?  I guess they were able to get away with the blatant copyright infringement (the costume and make-up are extremely close to the Jim Carrey version) by making this a horror-comedy, so it may (or may not) fall under fair use because it’s a parody.  Like I said, the idea is great.  The execution leaves a little something to be desired.  

When she was a little girl, Cindy-You-Know-Who was visited by “The Mean One” (Art the Clown himself, David Howard Thornton) on Christmas Eve.  Her mother, thinking it was attacking her child, began to beat the crap out of the creature.  The Mean One killed her mother in self-defense, but the altercation caused its heart to become an empty hole.  From then on out at Christmas, he would brutally murder anyone who dared to show any sign of holiday cheer.  Twenty years later, the now-grown Cindy (Krystle Martin) returns to town to confront her childhood trauma.  After The Mean One kills her dad, Cindy sets out for revenge.  

I’m not going to lie.  There’s a couple of chuckles here.  The best moments are the ones that hew closest to the movie’s Grinchy inspiration and/or are in-jokes to the original.  (The town drunk is named “Dr. Zeus”.)  There were enough of these moments to fill a Grindhouse-style fake trailer, or perhaps even a twenty-minute short film.  It just doesn’t cut it as a feature length movie.  Sure, there are some funny bits, but the lulls in between them are long and frequent.  There’s a good scene where The Mean One massacres a bunch of guys dressed like Santa in a diner.  However, the flick needed one or two more scenes of this caliber (and a helluva lot less CGI blood) to really make it a winner.

It kind of reminded me of the first Leprechaun.  It had a cool premise, and some funny lines, but the franchise really didn’t find its footing until they started making sequels.  Maybe the makers of The Mean One will follow in the Leprechaun’s footprints.  I wouldn’t say no to a sequel.

The reason is Thornton’s performance.  He does another fine job buried under a bunch of make-up and an elaborate costume.  He gives The Grin… er… Mean One a mischievous menace and does a helluva lot better job than Jim Carrey.  

Martin is pretty good too.  Not many actresses working today can wield a baseball bat wrapped in Christmas lights that makes lightsaber sounds and make it look plausible, but she is definitely one of them.  She also gets the best line of the movie when she says, “Let’s roast this beast!”

FEMALIEN: STARLIGHT SAGA (2022) *

I was excited when I saw this was added to Tubi.  Even though I wasn’t exactly the biggest fan of the last Femalien sequel, Cosmic Crush, a new Femalien movie should be cause for celebration.  I mean, how can you go wrong with a Skinamax flick featuring sexy space babes?  As it turns out, things go very wrong very fast.  

I was actually a bit taken aback by the opening Star Wars-inspired scene of spaceships engaged in a dogfight as it was a hundred times better than the effects seen in Cosmic Crush.  I thought to myself, “Wow, producer Charles Band actually spent a little money this time out.”  When Christine Nguyen showed up as the evil space queen, it brought a smile to my face.  That smile broadened when I saw Erika Jordan as her sultry henchwoman.  Then, it cut to Jazy Berlin and Brandin Rackley in the other ship and I thought… Hey!  Wait a minute!  I’ve seen this before!  

About five minutes into the flick, I realized I was watching a re-edited version of Fred Olen Ray’s Dirty Blondes from Beyond.  Charles Band didn’t pay for those special effects!  Fred Olen Ray did.  Band was cheaper than I thought.  

But wait, it gets worse.  As the movie goes on, it also tosses in scenes from Dean McKendrick’s Deadly Pickup and Intergalactic Swingers!  Adding to the confusion is the fact that Kira Noir is introduced in the opening scene as Maxy Prime, the Femalien, but she also appears in the scenes from Deadly Pickup playing an entirely different character!  Similarly, Jordan also appears as two different characters from two different movies as well, but I guess that slipped by the editor.  

Watching a re-edited version of a bunch of Retromedia’s Skinamax movies isn’t the worst way to spend your time.  That is, unless, this is going to be another one of those Full Moon movies they show on Tubi that have all the sex scenes cut out.  Much to my chagrin, that was exactly what this mess was.  Every time it looks like the actresses are about to get it on, it skips to another clip of another movie.  Aside from one brief glimpse of a sexy alien babe swimming nude in the pool, it’s virtually skin free.

I guess if I was as lazy as Band, I could’ve just cut and pasted chunks of my reviews of Dirty Blondes from Beyond, Deadly Pickup, and Intergalactic Swingers together and slapped a new title on it.  That wouldn’t have been professional.  In fact, I probably spent more time putting this review together than Band and company did making the “movie”.  

TRAILERS #4: HORROR/SCI-FI (1992) ***

Speaking as a connoisseur of trailer compilations, Something Weird’s Trailers #4:  Horror/Sci-Fi is a solid if unspectacular collection.  Unlike their previous installments, there’s a little bit more variety here in terms of eras as we get a good mix of previews from the ‘20s (The Mysterious Island) all the way to the ‘70s (Squirm).  I just wish there weren't as many repeats from other collections.  (A typical complaint I have with this series.)  As much as I love the movies themselves, there should be a moratorium on trailer comps that feature previews for Night of the Living Dead, The Tingler, and The Texas Chain Saw Massacre.

Lovers of classic horror will be happy to know there’s a heavy concentration of Universal titles here.  Many of these collections feature titles starring the classic monsters from the golden age of horror.  This one tosses in the trailer for Jaws to sweeten the deal.  Fans of Mystery Science Theater 3000 will enjoy seeing previews for The Killer Shrews, Eegah, and The Horror of Party Beach too.  

Other highlights are the trailers for It!  The Terror from Beyond Space (subliminal commands like “See It!” and “Don’t Miss It!” flash over scenes of the movie), The Phantom of the Paradise (narrated by Wolfman Jack), The Incredible Shrinking Man (narrated by Orson Welles), Wait Until Dark (in which theater patrons are asked not to smoke during the final eight minutes of the movie), and the Psycho re-release (“The Version TV Dare Not Show!”).  Some other favorites include Mad Monster Party, Silent Night Evil Night AKA:  Black Christmas (the TV spot is also shown), and Invasion of the Saucer Men.  While many of the trailers are enjoyable, the way they are so randomly assembled is sometimes good for a laugh.  Going from “Tubular Bells” in the trailer for The Exorcist to hearing “The Bird” in The Crawling Hand is especially humorous.  

The title library includes:  Frankenstein, Earth vs. the Flying Saucers, The Golden Voyage of Sinbad, The Time Machine, Freaks, It Came from Outer Space, Jaws, I Married a Monster from Outer Space, Man of a Thousand Faces, Them!, They Came from Within, King Kong, Dr. Terror's House of Horrors, The Legend of Hell House, The Tingler, Monster on the Campus, It! The Terror from Beyond Space, Phantom of the Paradise, The Phantom of the Opera (1962), The Mole People, Wait Until Dark, Son of Kong, The Incredible Shrinking Man, Squirm, Mad Monster Party, Psycho re-release, The Creeping Flesh, Homicidal, Night of the Living Dead, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Silent Night, Evil Night (AKA:  Black Christmas), Invasion of the Saucer Men, The Green Slime, Willard, The War of the Worlds, “Nerv-O-Rama” Double Feature of Werewolf in a Girls' Dormitory and Corridors of Blood, The Killer Shrews, Eegah, Creature from the Haunted Sea, The Creature Walks Among Us, The Horror of Party Beach, The Old Dark House, The Mysterious Island, Bride of Frankenstein, The Skull, Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man, From Hell It Came, Gorilla at Large, Bride of the Monster, a double feature of Revenge of Frankenstein and The Blob), The Haunting, The Mummy, Frankenstein 1970, The Slime People, Doctor Blood's Coffin, Mighty Joe Young, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, The Manster, The Exorcist, The Crawling Hand, The Haunted Strangler, Curse of the Demon, The Abominable Snowman, The Little Shop of Horrors, The Fearless Vampire Killers, Phantom of the Opera (1943), The Devil-Doll, and The Climax.

SCREAMERS: THE HUNTING (2009) ***

The first Screamers starred Peter Weller and a bunch of little robot killers that burrowed underground and killed people like smaller versions of the worms in Tremors.  This thirteen years after the fact DTV sequel reintroduces us to the little robo-gophers of death in fine fashion with a decent scene of the mechanical moles slicing, dicing, and even decapitating a bunch of soldiers on a hostile planet.  One of them survives, sends out an S.O.S. beacon, and waits for reinforcements.  When the space marines arrive, they get more than they bargained for as the Screamers have now mutated into nearly human form.

If you have to make a thirteen years after the fact DTV sequel to something, this is probably the way to go about it.  Use a tried-and-true sequel trope (in this case, a bunch of soldiers encountering a whole mess of monsters a la Aliens), keep the pace moving, and deliver on the gore.  Heads are hacked off, guts are spilled, spikes impale chests, heads are split down the middle, and fists go through faces.  Pretty good stuff from something I had next-to-no expectations for.

I will say that the film works better in its first two acts when the Screamers are in their little mechanical form.  Once they turn into quasi-robo-zombies, it loses a little of the fun.  (The Big Bad Screamer was obviously influenced by Blade 2.)  Things almost fall apart at the end once our survivors meet the inventor of the Screamers (Lance Henriksen), who is almost immediately killed off after dispensing a bunch of (mostly) unnecessary exposition.  

However, the final scene is a real winner and just about singlehandedly salvages the entire enterprise.  I won’t spoil anything, but you have to wonder if Ridley Scott saw this before he made Alien Covenant.  Also, any movie that rips off the final shot of Elves is OK by me.  

I guess it all comes down to expectations.  I started watching this while folding laundry and it didn’t take long for me to get sucked into it.  How would I have felt if I anxiously awaited the film since opening night of the original?  Heck, I probably would’ve enjoyed it the same amount.  It's a down and dirty time waster with plenty of gross shit, not-bad performances, decent special effects, and a legitimately great ending.  It’s been thirteen years since this movie came out.  I wonder why they haven’t made Part 3 yet.  

Screenwriter Miguel-Tejada Flores has had an interesting career.  He got his start writing Revenge of the Nerds and has written everything from Screamers 1 and 2 to Beyond Re-Animator to THE FUCKING LION KING!  Now that’s what I call range.

CHRISTMAS BLOODY CHRISTMAS (2022) **

Fuck.  Fuckin’.  Fucker.  Motherfucker.  You like the word “fuck”?  Well, you’re fuckin’ gonna hear it a lot of fuckin’ times in Joe Begos’ Christmas Bloody fuckin’ Christmas, motherfucker.

Now, I don’t really have a problem with cursing in movies.  In fact, in the right hands, it can be almost poetic.  Think David Mamet or Quentin Tarantino.  However, when the cursing is gratuitous for the sake of being gratuitous, it gets tiresome.  Fast.  

Like Tarantino, Begos peppers some of the foulmouthed conversations with pop culture references.  These conversations never once sound natural and feel just as forced as the cursing.  Music and movie lovers don’t really talk like that in real life.  The only place music and movie lovers talk like that is in the movies.

Fortunately for the audience, once the characters stop swearing and start screaming, the movie improves dramatically.  Not enough to completely wash away the sour aftertaste of the first hour or so, but Begos does deliver a solid finale.  It’s like a bratty kid who starts being good in December so Santa will take him off the “Naughty” list.

Speaking of Santa, the plot has something to do with government robot soldiers being discontinued and repurposed as department store Santas.  One such robot becomes sentient and begins chopping up bad boys and girls.  He eventually sets his sights on the foulmouthed proprietor of a record store (Riley Dandy), who fights back in fine Final Girl fashion.

Maybe Begos was stacking the deck here.  Maybe he wanted us to hate the characters just as much as RoboSanta did so that we cheer when they finally get axed, bludgeoned, and stomped.  That still doesn’t excuse the fact why he made the movie so damned hard to look at.  With the garish neon, blacklights, and oversaturated lighting, the movie often looks like a cinematic version of an ugly Christmas sweater.  

Begos has made a career aping John Carpenter.  Almost Human was his version of The Thing and VFW was Begos’ homage to Assault on Precinct 13.  This is his riff on Halloween (the Santa jolts up just like Michael Myers did), as well as James Cameron’s The Terminator (which itself was a riff on Halloween).  This is probably his least successful Carpenter variation, but there’s enough good stuff in the last twenty minutes to make me hopeful that next time he’ll branch out and try something original instead of just riffing on Carpenter.  

Speaking of riffing, Jonah Ray, the new host of Mystery Science Theater 3000 plays the first victim.  It’s funny how art imitates life.  First you make fun of bad movies.  Then you’re in one.  Christmas Bloody Christmas may not be great, but if you ever wanted to see the host of MST3K eat ass, then I guess it will fit the bill.

NOPE (2022) ** ½

After making two movies that felt like overlong Twilight Zone episodes, Jordan Peele branches into full-on Steven Spielberg territory with the extraterrestrial/comedy/western, Nope.  While Peele might have had lofty aspirations of attaining a Spielberg vibe, unfortunately, the results more often than not are closer to M. Night Shyamalan than Spielberg.  Even though it’s much more of a mixed bag than either Get Out or Us, it certainly has its moments.  

Daniel Kaluuya and Keke Palmer star as a pair of siblings who own a ranch that loans horses to Hollywood productions.  After the mysterious death of their father (Keith David) and the disappearances of their horses, they do some investigating and soon find out a pesky alien is to blame.  They then set out to capture the extraterrestrial horse thief on film with the help of a UFO junkie (Brandon Perea) and an ace cinematographer (Michael Wincott).

The idea has potential, but the film is often too meandering for its own good.  The chief problem is the “B” plot involving a chimp that was the star of his own sitcom until it went crazy and slaughtered the cast and crew.  While that little bit of side business might’ve worked as an entertaining feature in its own right, it would’ve made for a tighter picture had it been cut entirely.  Sure, it fits into the overall theme of the movie, but it’s ultimately little more than a gratuitous digression.

Although the slow build-up may have you fidgeting in your chair, stay with it, because the finale is rather rousing.  Maybe not quite strong enough to justify the film’s two-hour-plus running time, but it’s a solidly crafted elongated suspense/action sequence.  I will say that once we finally get a look at the mischievous E.T., it’s a little disappointing.  The tantalizing glimpses of what’s going on inside the UFO work slightly better.  

The performances are almost as uneven as the movie itself.  Kaluuya gives a naturalistic performance.  So naturalistic that we don’t even feel like we’re watching a character in a movie.  However, he’s so naturalistic that at times he mumbles his dialogue so much that you can’t understand what he’s saying.  Palmer is kind of annoying, but it’s not really her fault as Peele more or less writes her as the annoying sister, without a whole lot of depth.  Steven Yeun fares slightly better as the child actor who survived the monkey attack to grow up to be a cowboy who owns a western amusement park.  It’s Wincott though who steals the show.  His off-kilter performance that injects some much-needed personality into the proceedings late in the game.  The creepy way he talk-sings “Purple People Eater” is almost worth the price of admission alone.

Despite its flaws, the flick is more of a Yup than a Nope.