AFRICA EXPRESS (1975) ***

John Baxter (Giuliano Gemma) runs a trading operation with his best friend, a chimp named Biba (herself).  He bumps into a beautiful nun named Madeleine (Ursula Andress) and helps her escape the clutches of the evil Robert Preston (Jack Palance), a slimy cuss who specializes in selling poached ivory.  Since Baxter already cheated Preston at cards, Preston is all-too eager to get his mitts on them.  Naturally, Baxter finds himself smitten with Madeleine, which presents its own set of problems.

Africa Express sort of plays like a modernized version of the Clint Eastwood flick Two Mules for Sister Sara as Gemma comes to the aid of a woman who may or may not be a nun.  What’s amazing is that it managed to predate Clint’s Every Which Way but Loose by three years as both films feature a hero with a simian best friend.  Surprisingly enough, it’s enormously entertaining and contains its fair share of laughs.  It’s an affable and likeable ramshackle comedy-adventure that’s just a little bit better than you expect it to be at nearly every turn.  

There are a number of winning moments here.  The early scene where Biba helps Gemma cheat Palance at cards immediately sets the playful tone.  I also liked to part where Gemma tries to remove a chief’s infected tooth by tying it to the back of his truck.  I can’t say it’s high art or anything, but it’s hard to resist a movie that features Ursula Andress as a nun who knows Kung Fu.

The enormously appealing performances help to make Africa Express a smooth ride.  Giuliano Gemma makes for an ideal leading man.  He’s handsome, funny, and doesn’t take himself too seriously.  He’s also capable of holding long conversations with a chimp and making it all seem natural and causal.  It’s harder than it looks, folks.  Andress is also a lot of fun and looks spectacular while dressed in her nun’s habit.  If you have a nun fetish, you’ll probably just want to go ahead and add an extra star to the rating.  Palance makes for a formidable villain.  When he’s not busy chewing the scenery, he chews on his pipe for maximum sinister effect.

I could point out that some of the action isn’t staged particularly well, but it would be a moot point since director Michele Lupo is going more for laughs than actual thrills.  While many of the fight scenes and car chases are played for comedic effect, they succeed in getting laughs more often than not.  The ending is unexpectedly touching too.  Gemma’s earnest performance in the final moments helps to end things on a perfect bittersweet note.  

All three leads reappeared in a sequel, Safari Express the next year.

AKA:  Tropical Express.

A WOMAN’S TORMENT (1977) ** ½

A philandering psychiatrist (Jake Teague) is balling his wife's best friend (Crystal Sync).  As a favor, she asks him to examine her nutty sister (Tara Chung) who she keeps locked in the attic.  It’s not long before the loon takes off to an abandoned beach house where she murders several people who are stupid enough to enter the house. 

A Woman’s Torment starts out great.  Teague bangs his wife (Jennifer Jordan) and finishes before she even gets a chance to orgasm.  Frustrated, she yells, "We didn't make love.  You masturbated inside of me!"  Since this was directed by one of the all-time great sleaze legends, Roberta (Tenement) Findlay, I thought this was going to be something special.  As it turns out, it was extremely hit-or-miss.  However, there are plenty of gory and/or lurid moments along the way.

I liked the scene where Chung seduces and kills a workman.  (She stabs him just as he’s about to cum.)  The stop-motion shots of a couple falling over after being murdered are pretty cool too.  I could’ve done without the extended sequence where Chung is pestered by an extremely annoying nosy neighbor though.

A Woman’s Torment is in some ways reminiscent of Demented and Lady Stay Dead.  Findlay gives everything an appropriately grungy feel.  I can’t say it’s one of her best movies, but it has the twisted hallmarks of her signature works.  She also takes enormous pride in making the sex scenes as unsexy as possible (which is to be expected I guess when most of the participants wind up slashed to ribbons almost immediately afterwards).  If you’re a Findlay fan (like me), I’m certain you’ll derive some enjoyment out of it., despite its uneven nature.  

I do have to call Findlay out on the blatant faked male orgasm scene.  I mean the guy is clearly squeezing a squirt bottle filled with lotion instead of shooting actual jizz.  That unfortunate bit of business aside, A Woman’s Torment is a decent enough slasher porno.

JURASSIC WORLD: FALLEN KINGDOM (2018) ***

I think even Universal was surprised by just how much money Jurassic World made at the box office.  No one was surprised when they immediately greenlit this sequel though.  If you liked the last one, it’s pretty safe to say you’ll enjoy this one.  While it never approaches the greatness of the original, Fallen Kingdom is nevertheless a fun popcorn movie with only a slight drop in quality from Jurassic World.  

This time out, the genetically-engineered dinosaurs become endangered when the volcano on the island becomes active.  Claire (Bryce Dallas Howard) enlists the help of the reluctant Owen (Chris Pratt) to save the remaining dinosaurs and transplant them off the island.  It sounds silly, but director J.A. (The Orphanage) Bayona does just enough to ground the scenario to make it plausible, or at the very least, fifth-installment-of-a-billion-dollar-movie-franchise plausible.

Bayona also cannily steals a few plays from the Steven Spielberg handbook.  He gives us all the scenes of characters looking at a Brontosaurus in awe, a T. Rex saving a human in the nick of time, focusing the camera on the terror in a child's eyes when she sees dinosaur, and gratuitous lens flares as you can imagine.  What makes it all work is the fact that he is able to throw in a couple of nifty moments of his own.  There’s a scene involving a ladder that is both suspenseful and funny.  I also liked the logistics that went into extracting a blood sample from T. Rex.  Bayona gives us at least one standout death, but (probably owing to internet outcry) there’s nothing here that’s on par with the assistant’s death by pterodactyls in the previous installment.

The best moment though has nothing to do with dinosaurs.  It involves Pratt getting shot with a tranquilizer gun and trying desperately to regain movement in his limbs as a stream of lava slowly creeps closer and closer to him.  Imagine the Quaalude scene from The Wolf of Wall Street meets an Indiana Jones movie, and that should give you an idea of how great it is. 

The film shifts gears abruptly in the second half as it goes from being an island adventure to pseudo-prison break movie.  Although the first half is admittedly more fun that the second, I’ll admit the ending is genuinely touching and thought-provoking.  The implications of the last scene are fascinating and makes me anxious to see the direction the franchise will go.

SUPERFLY (2018) ****

1972’s Superfly was one of the seminal films of the Blaxploitation genre.  Outside of an electrifying performance by Ron O’Neal as Priest, it was sort of ordinary.  The 2018 remake, directed by Director X and starring Trevor Jackson as Priest, is a revelation.  Not only is it the best remake in some time, it’s the best movie of the year. 

Director X and his talented crew takes the basic structure of the original and gives it a whole new coat of paint.  X modernizes the film, of course, but he also lets you swim around in the world Priest inhabits.  He shows us the allure of fast money, fast cars, and beautiful women, sure.  He also gives us enough glimpses of the dark side of a drug empire that when Priest makes his play to get out of the life, we are with him 100%.

I cannot praise Jackson’s performance enough.  I had never heard of him until I walked into the theater.  He is one cool customer.  He plays Priest as a suave, yet calculated kingpin.  While he enjoys the lifestyle his drug trade affords him, unlike the competition, he has his eye on the long game, and is all too eager to leave the life if and when the opportunity arises.  Jackson takes command of the movie right from the very first scene.  Even when he is outnumbered and outgunned, his quiet authority, quick wits, and charisma extradites him out of the situation.  He does this a couple times throughout the film.  It’s refreshing to see a character in an action flick using his brains to get him out of hairy predicaments instead of guns. 

Director X’s style is impressive.  It’s slick without calling attention to itself, much like the hero himself.  I also found it admirable how he was able to tap into the frustrations of today’s African-American society while simultaneously providing them an outlet for their frustrations.  I’m thinking specifically of the car chase (which is filmed in high-def a la Michael Mann) through a park containing Confederate landmarks.  X’s talents are really on display during the montage (set to the original film’s “Pusherman” by Curtis Mayfield) where Priest sells his product.  It ranks right up there with any given montage in a Scorsese movie. 

The best of the 70’s Blaxploitation films featured memorable and flamboyant characters who had a gaudy fashion sense.  This Superfly is no different.  Priest’s rivals, “Snow Patrol” are something else.  Dressed in all-white winter parkas (even in the sweltering Atlanta heat), they look like Biggie Smalls leading an arctic G.I. Joe hit team.  I hope they get their own spin-off movie.

I also liked the fact that Priest had two girlfriends.  The most impressive thing was that they all lived under the same roof.  Most guys would have to keep one on the side, but Priest is so charismatic that it is easy to see why they’d be willing to share him.  I especially loved the scene where the women were yelling at each other.  When Priest tells them to shut up, they immediately drop their feud and begin yelling at him.  It’s pretty funny, yet at the same time, it also feels very real.  (The trio also get a steamy three-way sex scene in a shower that would even make Jim Wynorksi proud.)

Superfly has a lot of moving parts.  It is populated with many supporting characters, all of whom have their own goals (they mostly want a piece of Priest’s action).  The most memorable is Jennifer Morrison (doing a mean Jennifer Jason Leigh impersonation) as a dirty cop who blackmails Priest.  Director X and screenwriter Alex (Watchmen) Tse are able to connect all the various plot threads and characters together in a fluid fashion that doesn’t come at the expense of the hero and his quest.  Sure, at its heart, Superfly is another one of those One Last Score movies, but Priest’s attempt to get out of the game while still on top feels much more organic than most cliched attempts at the subgenre. 

You know how everyone from rappers to college students to movie lovers have Scarface posters on their wall?  I hope that in fifteen years or so the same will be said for the Superfly remake.  

I don't want to spoil the ending for you, but it ends with Priest saying, “I left America, but I took the dream with me.”  It’s a powerful statement from a powerful movie. 

It’s Jason Mitchell (who plays Priest’s best friend and right-hand man Eddie) who gets the best line of the movie.  As the pair make their way across the Mexican border, Mitchell protests and says, "I'm not going nowhere where the j's are silent!" 

GUNAN, KING OF THE BARBARIANS (1982) ** ½

Gunan, King of the Barbarians starts off with a lengthy, but interesting bit of exposition that sets up the movie’s not-bad mythology.  A set of twins are found by warrior race of women who have been waiting for a prophecy to be fulfilled so they can defeat their mortal enemies.  However, the prophecy says there can be only one chosen one, which makes twin boys problematic.  That means the brothers must face off against each other to prove who is the best.  

Zukhan (Pietro Torrisi) is clearly the superior warrior, but his twin brother thinks he can save the village singlehandedly.  When he sneaks off to take on the evil Nuriak (Emilio Messina) all by himself, he is promptly decapitated.  Enraged, Zukhan sets out to get revenge and fulfil the prophecy.

Gunan, King of the Barbarians is only 77 minutes.  The fight scenes are mostly idiotic and features some truly terrible swordfight choreography.  There’s also an overreliance on slow motion, which can get a bit irritating.  I can understand the slow motion during the fight scenes (although that just magnifies how truly cruddy the choreography really is), but director Franco Prosperi uses it during simple scenes of people walking around.  My only guess is if these scenes weren't in slow motion, the movie would be only be an hour long.  Remember how Yor was a two-part mini-series that was edited down into one movie?  Maybe Gunan was just one episode of a TV show padded out to (almost) feature length.  

Also, as far as I could tell, there never was a guy named Gunan (the hero is called Zukhan) and he was the king of a tribe of women, not barbarians.  

Despite the awful fight scenes, I have to say that this is far from the worst sword and sandal epic I ever sat through.  Whatever its shortcomings may be, I can't hate any movie where a queen looks at Sabrina Siani and says, “She'll make good breeding material. Get her ready for copulation!”  Too bad the version on Amazon Prime butchers her nude scenes.  Oh well, at least the scene where the villain forces her to have sex with Zukhan while a bed of spikes forces her closer and closer to him is positively priceless.

AKA:  The Invincible Barbarian.  AKA:  Lost Warrior.

TRANCERS 3 (1992) **

Trancers 3 finds future cop Jack Deth (Tim Thomerson) working as a private eye in 1992.  He’s struggling to balance work with his crumbling marriage when a cyborg named Shark (Leatherface’s R.A. Mihailoff) shows up to bring him 250 years into the future.  They go to see Jack’s boss, Harris (Stephen Macht) who orders him to go back to 2005 to stop the ridiculously named “Daddy Muthuh” (Andrew Robinson) from creating Trancers. 

The early scenes of Thomerson tripping through time work for the most part.  His detached world-weariness is funny, and the film gets a lot of mileage from his priceless reaction shots.  Deth’s relationship woes with his estranged wife (Helen Hunt) offer up the best moments in the movie (and make you wish Hunt was in it more).  However, whenever Thomerson isn’t on screen, Trancers 3 suffers.  (It also doesn’t help that Deth spends most of the second act tied up.) 

The stuff with Robinson is far less entertaining.  The scenes of him building his Trancer fighting force is kind of dull.  Making the original crop of Trancers annoying army recruits was odd choice.  None of them are really menacing and feel like military grunts from an entirely different movie.  The part when he tries to bang a Trancer is admittedly amusing though.

While Trancers 3 lacks the fun of the original, it’s more entertaining than Part 2.  It has its moments, but never finds a consistent rhythm.  It sets up some good ideas, and then doesn’t do much with them.  Consider the character of Shark.  Giving Thomerson a cyborg partner to bounce off of was an inspired choice.  If they went further with the idea, it could’ve made for a funny futuristic Buddy Cop movie.  However, their interactions are flat and fail to generate many laughs.  Likewise, Thomerson’s final confrontation with Robinson is disappointing.  I like both of those guys a lot.  I just wish the filmmakers made the most of their short screen time together. 

AKA:  Deth Lives.  AKA:  Future Cop 3.  AKA:  Trancers 2010.  AKA:  Trancers 3:  Deth Lives.

HEADS I KILL YOU, TAILS… YOU’RE DEAD: THEY CALL ME HALLELUJA (1975) ***

George Hilton uses a machine gun disguised as a sewing machine to spring a Mexican freedom fighter from a firing squad.  Hilton creates a diversion by swapping out the candles on a birthday cake with dynamite.  If you can’t already tell, this movie is pretty awesome, even if it has a long and unwieldy title.  (The way Hilton and the prisoner reluctantly agree to terms while casually gunning down soldiers is also very funny.)  Hilton eventually decides to find some missing jewels for his newfound friend, who hopes they will help fund his revolution.

Heads I Kill You, Tails… You’re Dead:  They Call Me Halleluja is a fun Spaghetti Western chockful of inventive scenes.  Among them:  Hilton performing impromptu surgery with a corkscrew, spiking the bad guys' chow with laxative to save a nun from getting stung by a scorpion, and a part where a Russian soldier guns down a bunch of surly cowpokes with a guitar equipped with a small cannon.  Despite the title, the actual quote Hilton says in the movie is "Heads you die, tails I kill you!", but oh well. 

All of this is highly entertaining for the most part.  It begins to lose some of its charm once Hilton joins up with the Russian guy, mostly because he’s no match for Hilton’s considerable charisma.  It also begins to run out of steam once it enters the finale.  The last act lacks the invention of the first hour or so, but it remains a memorable and enjoyable Spaghetti Western for fans of the genre. 

AKA:  Guns for Dollars.  AKA:  Deep West.  AKA:  They Call Me Hallelujah.