DISCREET (2008) **

Discreet tells the story of a successful twentysomething insurance salesman named Thomas (James Gracie, who also wrote the script) who happens to be a virgin.  Me makes a date with a beautiful working girl named Monique (Anel Alexander) and pays her for an hour and a half to just talk.  She is perplexed by his request, but she obliges him.  Things get complicated as they get to know one another, and predictably, they wind up learning a little bit about themselves too.

Discreet is based on a play, which is obvious since the bulk of the movie is set in one location with two people having awkward conversations about life, relationships, religion, and sex.  The leads are rather good, have a decent amount of chemistry, and help to keep you engaged in the thoroughly familiar material.  Director Joshua Rous does a fine job at keeping the pace moving along at a steady clip.  You have to give him credit.  He finds a few ways, through camera movement and blocking, to prevent it from feeling overly stagey.

The will-they-or-won’t-they tension is built up adequately enough between the actors.  There are a few funny moments along the way too, and a one or two insightful bits, which prevent it from being totally forgettable.  Once things take a turn for the dramatic, the film falters, mostly because it just seems too arbitrary.  It’s almost like Gracie needed an excuse for his characters to have an argument, and instead of letting it occur naturally, it comes off as forced.  

Discreet isn’t bad as an exercise in low budget filmmaking.  It seems as if everyone did their best with what they were given.  However, there just isn’t enough worthwhile drama here to push it into the win column.  

LEPRECHAUN RETURNS (2018) ***

Not long into Leprechaun Returns, the Leprechaun (Linden Porco, taking over for Hornswoggle and Warwick Davis, respectively) says:

“It’s been 25 years.
I’ve lost me knack.
Some fresh killing
Oughta bring it back!”

That about sums it up.

Right away, we’re made aware by director Steven (Manborg) Kostanski that this is a direct sequel to the original.  Like Halloween (2018), it ignores everything from Part 2 on and starts with a clean slate.  I was initially against this idea.  I mean, how are you going to erase the Leprechaun’s jaunt to Vegas, his trip to outer space, and not one but TWO journeys into the hood?  Surprisingly enough, my qualms disappeared after Ozzie (Mark Holton), the handyman from the original accidentally drinks water from the well where the Leprechaun was imprisoned.  Before long, the Leprechaun erupts out of his belly in gory fashion.  It was here where I thought to myself, “Okay, I think we’re going to be all right.  This is going to be a good one.”

This is (if you’re keeping score at home) the second time in a row the series has tried to reboot itself.  Leprechaun:  Origins wasn’t bad.  In fact, the gore was quite good.  However, since the Leprechaun didn’t talk (or rhyme) it wasn’t a whole lot of fun.  The serious tone didn’t do it any favors either.  I’m happy to report Returns recaptures that old Leprechaun magic.

Lila (Taylor Spreitler), the daughter of Jennifer Aniston’s character in the original, returns to the house where the events of the first film took place.  Along with her sorority sisters, she tries to renovate the place into an environmentally-friendly sorority house.  (Get it?  They’re going GREEN!)  Naturally, it doesn’t take long before the Leprechaun comes back to get his gold and kill lots of dumb teens.

This new guy, Linden Porco is no Warwick Davis, but you probably knew that already.  The make-up isn’t quite up to snuff with the original design either.  However, to give Porco credit, he doesn’t try to emulate Davis.  He makes the character his own.  By the end of the movie, I had embraced his interpretation of the character and I look forward to seeing how he will fare in (hopefully) future installments.

Kostanski retains the look and feel of the original, which means it looked right at home on The SyFy Channel as part of the St. Patrick’s Day Leprechaun marathon.  He updates the material for present-day audiences (everyone wants to take a selfie with the Leprechaun, death by drone, etc.), but he keeps one foot firmly planted in tradition.  There’s a scene where a guy captures the Leprechaun on film with his night vision camera (the footage is tinted green, of course) that feels like it came right out of a ‘90s horror movie. 

There’s a bit of CGI, but for the most part, the gore was au natural, which was greatly appreciated.  There’s head squashing, gut ripping, decapitation, and an Army of Darkness homage I wasn’t expecting.  The showstopper is the scene where a dumbass gets vivisected by a solar panel and his girlfriend asks, “Do you think he’s really dead? I know he was split down the coronal plane and all...” 

Sure, there’s some lame moments here.  Some of the scenes of wishes backfiring on people could’ve had a better outcome (like the death by sprinkler).  Still, it does have a part where a guy Saran Wraps his stomach to keep his guts from falling out, so there’s that.  I guess what I’m trying to say is that Leprechaun Returns is one of the better Leprechaun films in the series.  It’s more fun than that new Halloween, that’s for damned sure.  

THE KINDERGARTEN TEACHER (2018) ** ½

Maggie Gyllenhaal stars as Lisa, a lonely kindergarten teacher stuck in a dreary everyday existence.  When her student Jimmy (Parker Sevak) writes a beautiful poem, it snaps her out of her rut.  Her homelife is a wreck.  Her children are indifferent, and her husband is boring.  The only spark in her life comes from this kid in her class.  Lisa soon becomes obsessed with him and keeps pestering Jimmy for more and more poetry.  Frustrated with her own poetry, she begins passing it off as her own.  Her obsession soon goes off the rails when she begins taking him into the city without his parents’ knowledge to attend poetry slams.

Part indie character study drama, part From Hell thriller, The Kindergarten Teacher is an odd duck to say the least.  It’s buoyed by an eccentric performance by Gyllenhaal, who’s stalkerish actions sometimes border on uncomfortable (especially where a child is concerned).  The way she gets too close to the boy and prattling on and on while the kid takes no interest in her is unsettling to say the least.  So are the scenes where she pulls him away from the class at naptime so she can get him alone in the bathroom to talk about poetry.  (I’m pretty sure this a big no-no in the public-school system).  

If this was a male teacher, it would be a whole different vibe.  Red flags would be flying left and right.  As a woman, she can pass herself off as being motherly and attentive without causing too much attention to her increasingly bizarre behavior.  

As a parent, it’s okay to think anything your kid does is great.  When it’s your student, you can encourage them up to a point.  The unhinged Gyllenhaal crosses that line very early on and never looks back.  (She even gives him her phone number!)

Gael Garcia Bernal has some good scenes as Gyllenhaal’s creative writing teacher.  Rosa (Alita:  Battle Angel) Salazar also leaves a memorable impression in her small amount of screen time as the kid’s nanny.  However, this is Maggie’s show through and through.  Her wild-eyed antics aren’t enough to save the movie, but they will surely raise your eyebrow a time or two.  (Wait till you see how her sex life is impacted by her obsession.)

Directed by Sara Colangelo, The Kindergarten Teacher is too slow moving and deliberately paced to function as a thriller and it feels too lurid to work as a portrait of mental illness.  As it is, it kind of falls somewhere in between.  There’s more social awkwardness than out and out tension and Gyllenhaal’s actions are more head-shaking than heart-stopping.  Still, if you’re a fan of Gyllenhaal’s, you owe it to yourself to see it, just on the strength of her performance alone.

THE AUTOPSY OF JANE DOE (2016) ** ½

Brian Cox is a coroner teaching his son Emile Hirsch the family trade.  One night, the cops bring in a corpse of an unidentified woman (Olwen Kelly) who died under, shall we say, unprecedented circumstances.  The sheriff wants answers FAST and Cox and Hirsch roll up their sleeves and prepare for an all-nighter.  As the duo search for answers, it soon becomes apparent that this ain’t no ordinary corpse.

Director Andre (Trollhunter) Ovredal expertly builds up the mystery surrounding the curious corpse.  As Cox digs deeper (both literally and figuratively) he finds more and more bizarre inconsistencies in the body.  Ovredal is able to wring a lot of suspense and atmosphere out of the autopsy room scenes, and the coroners’ grisly discoveries gives the early sequences quite a kick.

The set-up is intriguing and instantly gets your attention.  Once things move out of the autopsy room, it gets decidedly less effective as it goes along.  It’s here where Ovredel eschews the creepy vibe of the early scenes in favor of some fairly standard who-goes-there scenes set in dark hallways, which gets quite frustrating.  The ending is predictable, and a bit of a letdown, especially considering how eerie the first half was.

Cox and Hirsch make for a great team.  They have some fine moments together as they try to piece together what happened to the corpse.  Kelly is able to create a sinister presence, a feat that’s made even more impressive when you consider all she does is lay there.  Unfortunately, so does the climax. 

AKA:  The Morgue.  

TED 2 (2015) ** ½

Ted, the foulmouthed teddy bear (once again voiced by director Seth MacFarlane) is back.  This time out, he and his girlfriend Tami-Lynn (Jessica Barth) want to have a baby.  Naturally, the assholes in the government step in and nix the idea, saying Ted can’t adopt because he’s not a person.  Ted and his best pal John (Marky Mark) take their case to a sexy stoner lawyer (Amanda Seyfried) who tries to get the courts to recognize Ted’s duly entitled personhood. 

The first Ted was good, but what do you do when the novelty of a swearing pot-smoking teddy bear wears off?  Send Marky Mark to a sperm donor clinic where he accidentally falls into a shelf full of sperm samples and winds up covered in semen specimens?  Yeah, that sounds about right.

The film is full of the kind of gags and non sequiturs you’d expect from MacFarlane.  We have Jay Leno hunting for sex in bathrooms, Liam Neeson attempting to buy a box of Trix, and Marky Mark trying to jerk off Tom Brady.  All this just seems like leftover bits from an episode of Family Guy.

You can always tell when a filmmaker has been given carte blanche by the studio to do whatever the hell he wants when he puts a Busby Berkeley musical number in there for no good reason whatsoever.  The problem is, Macfarlane forgot to make it funny.  It’s as if he thought the sight of a teddy bear dancing on top of a giant wedding cake would be enough.

The jokes are hit and miss.  (There’s one bit that’s straight out of Three Amigos.)  Admittedly, there are some laughs here.  However, there’s just not quite enough of them to push this one in the win column. 

The plot is equally scattershot.  The movie pretty much throws its hands up in the air by the end.  The big brawl at Comic Con where nerds in cosplay fight one another is particularly weak.  Again, it’s all set-up with no punchline.  

DOUBLE JEOPARDY (1992) ** ½

Bruce Boxleitner is happily married to Sela Ward with a good job as headmaster at a posh boarding school.  One day, his mountain climbing ex (Rachel Ward) comes back into his life.  Naturally, she worms her way into his bed.  When Bruce sees Rachel’s abusive boyfriend sexually assaulting her, he is powerless to do anything.  Somehow, she is able to fight back and kill her attacker.  Trouble brews once Sela (a powerful attorney who is all but assured a position as a judge) takes Rachel’s case.

This Made for Showtime thriller is at its best when dealing with the moral ambiguity of its characters.  It’s about doing the right thing for the wrong reasons and sometimes, doing the wrong thing for the right reasons.  It’s also one of those deals where it starts off as a murder mystery before becoming a long courtroom drama.  It’s not bad; it’s just undone by a predictable third act and an anticlimactic finale.  (The mountain climbing scenes really drag it down.)

Directed by Lawrence (The Executioner’s Song) Schiller, Double Jeopardy is bolstered by strong performances by the three leads.  Boxleitner is great as the poor schmuck who thinks with his dick in a moment of weakness and winds up paying the price.  Sela is excellent, especially during the courtroom scenes, and really sinks her teeth into the role.  Rachel does a fine job as the conniving vixen who’s using them both to get away with murder.  We also get Sally Kirkland as a detective on the case, Denice Duff (from the Subspecies movies) as a cog in Ward’s plot, and a young Aaron Eckhart making his screen debut in a bit part.

ABRAHAM LINCOLN VS. ZOMBIES (2012) ** ½

Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies was The Asylum’s obvious knock-off to Abraham Lincoln:  Vampire Hunter.  The curious thing is, it surprisingly does a better job combining history and horror than that film did.  Of course, its aim is much lower, but it also manages to be a lot more fun.  

As a boy, Honest Abe (Bill Oberst, Jr.) had to murder his own parents when they succumbed to a zombie bite.  Years later, during the Civil War, Lincoln learns of another zombie outbreak threatening an army base.  He then commissions a small band of soldiers and leads them into battle to stop the zombie plague once and for all.  

The secret to the film’s success is that it plays things deadly serious.  If Abe was busting out one-liners like “Four GORE and seven years ago!” it would’ve gotten old fast.  Sure, all of this is silly, but Oberst Jr. (who lends considerable gravitas to the role) solemnly believes it, so we should too.  While the supporting cast isn’t quite as adept at walking that line, they follow his lead well enough.  

This is an Asylum movie after all, but writer/director Richard (A Diva’s Christmas Carol) Schenkman does a good job at stretching the small budget.  (Much of this looks like Civil War reenactment mixed with a zombie pub crawl.)  However, it’s rather enjoyable.   The variations on the cliched zombie attacks are just different enough to feel somewhat fresh, and the Evil Dead-inspired make-up is well done.  

It kind of gets bogged down once Lincoln takes refuge with a group of disparate survivors (including Confederate soldiers, an old flame, and some soon-to-be-famous historical figures).  Still, it’s much better than I expected, even if it isn’t quite a home run.  Too bad it all fizzles out by the end.  After the climax, it continues on needlessly for an overlong coda.  Seriously, a movie called Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies didn’t need to run 96 minutes, but it’s a minor miracle it’s as good as it is for as long as it is.