1.
mother!
2.
The
LEGO Batman Movie
3.
The
Expendables 2
4.
Once
Upon a Time… in Hollywood
5.
Mad
Max: Fury Road
6.
Creed
7.
Creed
2
8.
The
Raid
9.
The
Nice Guys
10.
Killer
Joe
Sunday, February 9, 2020
THE TOP TEN FILMS OF 2019
1.
Once
Upon a Time… in Hollywood
2.
Star
Wars: Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker
3.
Dolemite
is My Name
4.
3
from Hell
5.
Rambo: Last Blood
6.
Marriage
Story
7.
Scary
Stories to Tell in the Dark
8.
Shaft
9.
Avengers: Endgame
10.
Cold
Pursuit
THE 2019 VIDEO VACUUM AWARDS… AND THE WINNERS ARE…
Okay, moviegoers. This is it.
Everyone’s favorite day of the year.
You might be thinking I’m talking about that OTHER awards show, but you’re
wrong. We’re talking of course about The
13th Annual Video Vacuum Awards.
Unlike most awards show, there’s no filler. No forced celebrity banter. No musical numbers. No annoying acceptance speeches. Just the best of the best going head to head. Without further ado, here are your winners…
Best Dialogue
And the nominees are…
The Fanatic for “I can’t talk long. I got to poo.”
Joker for “My mom died. I’m celebrating.”
Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood for “Anybody accidentally kills anybody in a fight, they go to jail. It’s called
manslaughter!”
Rambo: Last Blood for “You can’t change. All you can do is put a lid on it”Shaft for “Can’t we just send him a tersely worded text?”
And the winner is… Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood!
Best Scene I Could Not Make Up
And the nominees are…
Jeff Fahey playing a grizzled cowboy cyborg with a pack of pet robot hunting dogs in Alita: Battle Angel
John Wick putting two dozen knives into the same guy in John Wick: Chapter 3: Parabellum
Cliff Booth vs. Bruce Lee in Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood
Cliff Booth vs. the Manson Family in Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood
Rambo pulling out a man’s collarbone in Rambo: Last Blood
And the winner is… Cliff Booth vs. the Manson Family in Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood!
Best Fight Scene
And the nominees are…
Godzilla vs. Ghidrah in Godzilla: King of the Monsters
Kylo Ren vs. Black Widow in Marriage Story
Cliff Booth vs. Bruce Lee in Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood
Cliff Booth vs. the Manson Family in Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood
Kylo Ren and Rey vs. The Emperor in Star Wars: Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker
And the winner is… Cliff Booth vs. the Manson Family in Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood!
Best Kids’ Movie
And the nominees are…
The Addams Family
Dumbo
The LEGO Movie 2: The Second Part
Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark
Teen Titans Go! vs. Teen Titans
And the winner is… Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark!
Worst DTV/Streaming Movie
And the nominees are…
Godzilla: The Planet Eater
The Highwaymen
In the Tall Grass
Triple Frontier
Trading Paint
And the loser is… In the Tall Grass!
Best DTV/Streaming Movie
And the nominees are…
Dolemite is My Name
The Irishman
Marriage Story
Teen Titans Go! vs. Teen Titans
Velvet Buzzsaw
And the winner is… Dolemite is My Name!
Best Drama
And the nominees are…
Dragged Across Concrete
The Irishman
Joker
Marriage Story
Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood
And the winner is… Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood!
Best Sequel
And the nominees are…
Avengers: Endgame
Rambo: Last Blood
Shaft
Star Wars: Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker
3 from Hell
And the winner is… Star Wars: Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker!
Best Sci-Fi Movie
And the nominees are…
Alita: Battle Angel
Avengers: Endgame
Captain Marvel
Star Wars: Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker
Terminator: Dark Fate
And the winner is… Star Wars: Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker!
Best Comic Book Movie
And the nominees are…
Alita: Battle Angel
Avengers: Endgame
Captain Marvel
Joker
Teen Titans Go! vs. Teen Titans
And the winner is… Avengers: Endgame!
Best Action Movie
And the nominees are…
Cold Pursuit
Fast and Furious Presents: Hobbs and Shaw
John Wick: Chapter 3: Parabellum
Rambo: Last Blood
Shaft
And the winner is… Rambo: Last Blood!
Worst Horror Movie
And the nominees are…
Black Christmas
Doctor Sleep
Godzilla: The Planet Eater
In the Tall Grass
Pet Sematary
And the winner is… In the Tall Grass!
Best Horror Movie
And the nominees are…
Crawl
Godzilla: King of the Monsters
Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark
3 from Hell
Velvet Buzzsaw
And the winner is… 3 from Hell!
Best Actress
And the nominees are…
Karen Gillan (Avengers: Endgame)
Linda Hamilton (Terminator: Dark Fate)
Scarlett Johansson (Marriage Story)
Margot Robbie (Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood)
Sheri Moon Zombie (3 from Hell)
And the winner is… Sheri Moon Zombie!
Best Actor
And the nominees are…
Leonardo DiCaprio (Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood)
Jake Gyllenhaal (Velvet Buzzsaw)
Eddie Murphy (Dolemite is My Name)
Joaquin Phoenix (Joker)
Brad Pitt (Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood)
And the winner is… Brad Pitt!
Best Director
And the nominees are…
J.J. Abrams (Star Wars: Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker)
Craig Brewer (Dolemite
is My Name)
Martin Scorsese (The
Irishman)Quentin Tarantino (Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood)
Rob Zombie (3 from Hell)
And the winner is… Quentin Tarantino!
Worst Picture
And the nominees are…
Black Christmas
Godzilla: The Planet Eater
In the Tall Grass
Trading Paint
Triple Frontier
And the loser is… In the Tall Grass!
Best Picture
And the nominees are…
Dolemite is My Name
Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood
Rambo: Last Blood
Star Wars: Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker
3 from Hell
And the winner is… Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood!
It looks like Once Upon
a Time… in Hollywood is the big winner with seven Viddie Awards! I’ll be sure to post my complete Ten Best
Films of the Year List, as well as my Ten Best Films of the Decade List soon. Thanks to everyone who supports, reads, and
influences this site on a day-to-day basis.
I can’t wait to see what next year brings us!
THE 2019 VIDEO VACUUM TECHNICAL AWARDS
Friends of the Vacuum, the
time to announce the winners of The 13th Annual Video Vacuum Awards
draws near. Before we do so, let’s
recognize the winners of The 2019 Video Vacuum Technical Awards. These are of course given to films in which I
didn’t see enough movies in a specific category to declare a true winner. Because of that, they win on a
technicality. Hence the name.
Okay now we got that crap out of the way, the winners are…
Best Stephen King Movie
It Chapter 2
Worst Stephen King Movie
In the Tall Grass
RUNNER-UP: Pet Sematary
Best Godzilla Movie
Godzilla: King of the Monsters
Worst Godzilla Movie
Godzilla: The Planet Eater
Worst Action Movie
Triple Frontier
Worst Sequel
Godzilla: The Planet Eater
RUNNER-UP: Doctor Sleep
Worst Remake
Black Christmas
RUNNER-UP: Pet Sematary
Best Remake
Cold Pursuit
RUNNER-UP: Dumbo
Worst Drama
Triple Frontier
RUNNER-UP: Trading Paint
Best Comedy
Dolemite is My Name
RUNNER-UP: Jay and Silent Bob Reboot
Best Cursed Movie That’s Finally a Reality Movie
The Man Who Killed Don Quixote
MITCH ON THE COMEUPPANCE REVIEWS PODCAST
Recently, I was a guest
on Ty and Brett’s Comeuppance Reviews podcast where we talked about our favorite
Jean-Claude Van Damme movies. It was a
great talk and I had a blast doing it. I’ve
been reading Comeuppance Reviews (http://www.comeuppancereviews.net/)
for probably a decade now and they are one the great sources for action movie
reviews on the planet. You can check out
our discussion here: https://comeuppancereviews.podbean.com/e/jean-claude-van-ranked/
Saturday, February 8, 2020
THE EVIL BRAIN (1961) ***
The
Evil Brain was the very first El Santo movie.
It was filmed (in Cuba) back-to-back with his second feature, Santo vs. Infernal Men. If you’re a fan of El
Santo, you may be taken aback by the fact that he only has a supporting role
and doesn’t participate in any wrestling matches. While it’s obvious the filmmakers were still
figuring out how to best utilize El Santo’s talents, there are many elements
already present that would go on to become hallmarks of the series, namely, a
mad doctor villain, long street fights with the villain’s henchmen, musical
numbers (a mariachi trio goes from table to table entertaining patrons at an
outdoor café), and dance routines (a trio of Mexican folk dancers do some clog
dancing and play castanets in a nightclub without the benefit of musical
accompaniment). Even in a very rough
form and with minimal involvement from El Santo, all of this still manages to
be quite entertaining.
The
film begins straightaway with El Santo (although he’s only referred to as “El Enmascarado”)
battling three thugs in the street who are armed with chains, switchblades, and
brass knuckles. The bad guys eventually
get the upper hand, knock El Santo out, and bring him before their boss, a mad
scientist who is working on a “cell disintegration” formula. He performs an experiment on El Santo and
turns him into his mindless servant. (“I
will control his will!”) El Santo then
helps the doctor’s men kidnap various scientists and bankers that will further
his nefarious plans. It then falls to El
Santo’s buddy, the masked man Incognito (Fernando Oses) to thwart the mad
scientist’s plan and return El Santo back to normal.
Usually,
when I watch these El Santo movies, I don’t always have the benefit of seeing a
dubbed version, or one that includes English subtitles. I’m glad my version of The Evil Brain had subtitles. Otherwise, I would’ve missed out on some
truly priceless dialogue like, “We are dealing with some well-organized
delinquents!”
Despite
some gratuitous padding from the needlessly drawn-out driving scenes, The Evil
Brain moves at a relatively brisk pace.
The battles with the villain’s goons are exciting and the scenes of the henchmen
kidnapping scientists and tossing them into the back of their car are very much
like something out of an old Republic serial. The action highlight is when Incognito battles
the mind-controlled El Santo in the doctor’s lair. I mean if you can’t afford to show two
Mexican wrestlers grappling in a wrestling ring, I guess having them duke it
out in a mad scientist lab is the next best thing. Even if it feels like the editor fell asleep
during the driving scenes, the fight sequences are tightly cut together and
well-choreographed.
Unlike
most El Santo movies, The Evil Brain remains involving even when he’s not on
screen. The mad doctor plot is just fun
enough to work on its own merits and there are a few genuinely atmospheric
moments (like the scenes in the wine cellar) along the way. While later entries would go on and perfect
the Lucha Libre formula, the foundation for fun was firmly set with The Evil
Brain.
AKA: Santo vs. the Evil Brain. AKA:
Brain of Evil.
THE EROTIC ADVENTURES OF ZORRO (1972) **
Crooked
government officials bilk the poor peasants out of their hard-earned money by
forcing them to pay exorbitant taxes.
Don Diego (Douglas Frey) gets wind of their thievery and sets out to
make things right. By day, he poses as a
gay man to throw the bad guys off his scent.
By night, he takes up the mask of Zorro to stick it to the man while he’s
giving it to the ladies.
While
I like the idea of a sexed-up Zorro, the sex scenes in The Erotic Adventures of
Zorro are a bit of a mixed bag. The big
problem is that the forced sex scenes are mostly unpleasant. When a man can’t pay his taxes, his virgin
daughters are deflowered by the disgusting officials. There’s even a scene where a woman is tied up
and threatened with a snake. The orgy
scene goes on way too long too.
The
best sex scenes involve the sultry Penny Boran.
The highlight comes when she introduces her niece (Jacqueline Giroux) to the joys of lesbianism. Her
seduction of Don Diego is rather steamy too.
It’s a shame Boran wasn’t given more opportunities to disrobe because
she’s easily the best thing about the movie.
Produced
by the legendary sleaze wizard, David F. Friedman, The Erotic Adventures of
Zorro runs a steep 102 minutes, which is way longer than any cheesy skin flick
Zorro spoof needs to be. The
swashbuckling action and swordfight sequences are better than you might expect
though. The costumes and sets are well
done too, and the cinematography looks much better than your run of the mill
adult sex comedy. However, the jokes are
lame and many of the characters (some of whom have cheesy names like “Phil
Latio”) are unbearable.
It
is interesting to note that the plot relies heavily on Don Diego pretending to
be gay to outwit the villains. This makes
it kind of like the opposite of Zorro, The Gay Blade, which came out nine years
later. Of course, that film had the benefit
of a bigger budget, name stars, and jokes that were actually funny. This one has none of those things, but there’s
enough skin here to keep it from being a total Z movie.
AKA: The Sexcapades of Don Diego.
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