MORBIUS (2022) **

After suffering from a rare blood disease all his life, Dr. Michael Morbius (Jared Leto) performs an illicit experiment mixing human DNA with that of vampire bats.  Naturally, he tries the serum on himself and although at first it seems to be the cure he’s looking for, it has one nasty side effect:  It turns him into a CGI-faced vampire with a thirst for human blood.  

I like these comic book movies probably more than I should, but even for a dyed in the wool comic book fan like me, Morbius was pretty bad.  It seems to be a throwback to the cheap comic book flicks from the early ‘00s.  Even viewed through those rose-tinted glasses, it still comes up short.  If you enjoyed Elektra, Blade:  Trinity, and Ghost Rider:  Spirit of Vengeance, you’ll probably barely tolerate Morbius.  

It’s one thing for a comic book movie to be inspired by the ‘90s/’00s, but it still kind of has to do its own thing.  Look at The Batman, which came out just last month.  It was clearly ripping off the David Fincher thrillers of the ‘90s and ‘00s, but it had its own fresh spin.  Morbius on the other hand looks like a lost comic book film from the ‘00s that you might drunkenly catch at two in the morning on TBS.  There are bullet-time shootouts that look like they came out of a Matrix-inspired ‘90s action movie, a gratuitous villain dance montage that looks inspired by Spider-Man 3, a sequence where Morbius uses some sort of sonar superpower that’s right out of Daredevil, and even a moment that lifts directly from The Usual Suspects, but it’s like a hundred times less effective.  (Then again, there is a scene where he controls hundreds of bats, which makes him more of a Batman than The Batman, so there’s that.)

It doesn’t help that the superhero action sequences are lackluster.  The scenes of Morbius and the villain bouncing off buildings and punching each other in mid-air get old fast, and the finale is so woefully anticlimactic, you’re left wondering, “Is that it?” even well past the customary post-credits sequences (which are just hollow imitations of post-credits sequences we’ve seen in other Marvel movies).  The whole movie is like that though.  It rushes headlong into the next scene before it’s even properly developed an idea.  In fact, there’s a subplot where Morbius is treating a little girl who has the same blood disease as he does, and he is forced to put her into an induced coma to save her life.  However, we never find out what happened to her.  There’s no scene later on where he brings her out of it.  Heck, he doesn’t even mention her again.  It’s just another subplot that gets lost in the shuffle of the generic superhero action.  

It’s a shame too because Leto is committed enough to the overall Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde vibe of the character.  The best scene comes when he takes over a low-rent counterfeiting operation and turns it into his own underground science lab.  The part where he confronts the ringleader is entertaining, and if the movie had him fighting more street-level crime, it could’ve been fun.  As it stands, Morbius is one of the weakest post-MCU comic book flicks in recent memory.    

RESIDENT EVIL: WELCOME TO RACCOON CITY (2021) ** ½

Milla Jovovich is one of my all-time crushes.  Because of that, I find the Resident Evil movies to be immensely rewatchable thanks to the fact that she spends most of her time in the franchise scantily clad and kicking ass.  Which is why rebooting the series without her seems so confounding to me.  It’s kind of like making Terminator without Arnold Schwarzenegger or Rocky without Sylvester Stallone.  Needless to say, I went into Resident Evil:  Welcome to Raccoon City with a sense of trepidation.  Much to my surprise, I found a few things to enjoy about it, even if it was frustratingly Milla-free.  

This reboot takes place in the late ‘90s (which means people use beepers and say things like, “What’s a chatroom?”) in the decaying titular city.  The skeevy Umbrella Corporation is about to pick up at take their multi-billion-dollar operation elsewhere, leaving the town a hollow shell.  Those left behind are forced to deal with the remnants of Umbrella’s latest experiment:  A bunch of zombies.  Soon, the infection spreads, and the last remaining human survivors must find a way out of the town before the company bombs it back to the stone age.  

Writer/director Johannes (The Strangers:  Prey at Night) Roberts brought a real John Carpenter vibe to the proceedings.  (Right down to the Carpenter-esque font.)  Unlike Paul W.S. Anderson’s frenetic action-heavy approach, Roberts favors building up a sense of dread.  While letting that marinate, he’ll occasionally pepper in a couple of humorous sequences set to pop music, which helps to alleviate the tension and keep the audience on its toes.  His assured camerawork combined with the classy cinematography helps to create a real air of atmosphere.  Even though the film drags its feet in places, it always looks and feels appropriately creepy.  Too bad the unwieldy running time (107 minutes) and lackluster third act ultimately prevent the film from really cutting loose.  Also, for a zombie flick, it’s seriously lacking in the gore department, so I’ve got to take points off for that too.

The younger members of the cast are rather interchangeable and forgettable.  Fortunately, Donal Logue is great as the asshole Yelling Police Captain.  He effortlessly steals the movie and injects the film with a little zest whenever it threatens to bog down.  I also liked seeing Neal McDonough (no stranger to video game movie reboots after starring in Street Fighter:  The Legend of Chun-Li) pop up as the evil scientist guy/Final Boss.  

I was never a big fan of the Resident Evil video games.  I was always more of a House of the Dead kind of guy.  I can’t really say how faithful this version is in comparison to the Anderson’s films (although it seems like they took some liberties with the characters), but taken on its own terms, it's a decent outbreak/zombie flick.  If Milla had been in it, it probably would’ve been in the middle of the pack of Resident Evil movies.  As it stands, it’s probably the fourth or fifth best one.

MARY, MARY, BLOODY MARY (1975) ** ½

Mary (Cristina Ferrare) is a bisexual artist who picks up men, drugs them, slashes their throats, and drinks their blood.  She finds potential love with a hitchhiking beach bum (David Young), but there’s always the danger her hunger might force her to turn him into a hot lunch.  Complications ensue when a murderer dressed up like The Shadow (John Carradine) goes around killing people in the same method as Mary.

Mary, Mary, Bloody Mary is a relatively low key, but moderately effective entry in the ‘70s lesbian vampire subgenre.  It’s not up to the lofty heights of Vampyres or beautifully shot like Daughters of Darkness, but it’s a reasonably entertaining chiller in its own right.  The highlight is the lesbian bubble bath sequence where Mary is brought to tears when she realizes she’ll have to kill her lover in order to survive.  

There’s also a great scene early on where a shark injures a fisherman and his buddies drag that fish out of the ocean, haul it onto the shore, and beat the crap out of it.  I’m not one for animal cruelty or anything, but I do like me movies about vigilante justice.  Imagine if they put these guys in Jaws.  It could’ve been Death Wish with Sharks.  

Ferrare (who was married to John DeLorean at the time) is pretty good in the role, which requires her to be seductive and tempting in her vampiric state, and sad and lonely in her artistic day job.  Speaking of day jobs, this is another one of those vampire movies where the vampire is a “real” vampire.  That means sunlight, garlic, crosses, and the like don’t have any effect on her.  She just needs to feed on human blood periodically to stay alive.  

Mary, Mary, Bloody Mary is more of a melancholy look at a lonely vampire life than a straight-up horror flick.  Because of that, the kill scenes, car chases, and run-ins with the stranger in black (who may or may not be Mary’s father) lack sizzle.  Had director Juan Lopez (Alucarda) Moctezuma been able to make these sequences crackle, it might’ve been a classic.  Then again, the fact that he made the quieter scenes work better in comparison says a lot too.  

In the end, it’s a toss-up.  If you want a balls-out horror flick, you’ll probably be let down by Mary, Mary, Bloody Mary.  If, however, you prefer a sad, bleak look at a vampire’s dreary day-to-day existence, it will be a somewhat rewarding experience.

AKA:  Mary, Bloody Mary.  

WOLF WARRIOR (2015) * ½

Leng Feng (Jing Wu, who also directed) is a sniper who defies a direct order and takes out a drug dealer.  He is immediately imprisoned but is quickly pardoned so he can become a “Wolf Warrior”, who are described as the “Special Forces inside the Special Forces”.  To get acquainted with his new team, Leng and the other Wolf Warriors go out on training maneuvers in the middle of nowhere.  Since the Wolf Warriors don’t have the benefit of live ammo, the drug dealer’s big brother sees this as the perfect opportunity to get revenge, so he sends his right-hand man “Tomcat” (Scott Adkins) and his team of mercenaries to kill Leng and his new comrades.  

Wolf Warrior has a simple, seemingly can’t-miss premise, but it’s a pretty hollow and cheap actioner in just about every way.  The action is rather dreadful, and the fight scenes are poorly choreographed and/or rushed.  It doesn’t help that we are saddled with a bland hero (who is a sniper, which doesn’t leave much time for a lot of hand-to-hand action) or the fact that we have to sit through a lot of gratuitous pro-China propaganda right smack dab in the middle of the flick.  

The cheapest bit comes when the Wolf Warriors find themselves surrounded by the sorriest looking pack of CGI wolves I’ve seen outside of a SyFy Channel flick.  I was kind of hoping Jing would’ve got bitten by one of the wolves and turned into a literal Wolf Warrior.  I guess that was just too much to ask for.  

Naturally, I only watched this because Scott Adkins played the villain’s henchman.  Sadly, he isn’t given a whole lot to do.  I will say that whatever pulse the movie has is courtesy of his presence onscreen.  Even then, his fight sequences are way too brief to make much of an impact either way.  Although he is afforded the luxury of a decent death scene, overall, his final confrontation with Wu is lackluster.  It’s bad enough when American productions waste Scott Adkins’ talents.  It’s even worse when we import foreign productions that can’t properly utilize his skills.

TRAILERS #22: HORROR/SCI-FI (1992) ***

Here’s yet another collection of horror and sci-fi trailers from the good folks at Something Weird.  This time, they are presented in chronological order (more or less), which is fun because it gives you a chance to see how the genres became more sophisticated (more or less) as time went on.  Everything from ‘60s Italian peplum (Goliath and the Barbarians and Hercules and the Captive Women) to drive-in triple features (the trailers for the “Orgy of the Living Dead” and “Certificate of Assurance” triple bills are once again trotted out) to ‘70s Euro-Horror (The Devil’s Wedding Night and The Vampires Night Orgy) to big budget fare (Alien and Flash Gordon) to slashers (The Toolbox Murders and My Bloody Valentine) to ‘80s comedies (Weird Science and Amazon Women on the Moon) are covered.  

The first half will probably seem overly familiar to those who have sat through many of these Something Weird compilations.  (I’ve seen so many of them that I can probably recite a lot of these trailers verbatim by now.)  If you stick with it, you’ll be treated to some great trailers from the ‘80s, which normally don’t pop up on these kinds of collections.  It’s fun seeing camp classics like The Stuff and Chopping Mall rubbing elbows with high-brow entertainment like Angel Heart and The Serpent and the Rainbow.  After watching so many creaky trailers from the ‘50s in these things, it’s a welcome change of pace to see something like Blood Diner and Tremors popping up here and there.  

It might not be the best collection in the Something Weird catalogue, thanks to the overabundance of reoccurring trailers in the first half, but the inclusion of ‘80s trailers gives Trailers #22:  Horror/Sci-Fi a personality that some of its predecessors lack.  Although some old school fans might be miffed by the heavy concentration of ‘80s films in the second half, if you grew up during that time (like I did), you’re sure to enjoy them.  While I would’ve maybe liked to have seen previews for a few more obscure titles peppered throughout, it nevertheless remains a worthy entry in the long-running series.

The complete trailer line-up includes:  Goliath and the Barbarians, Hercules and the Captive Women, The Deadly Bees, Thunderbirds are Go, The Orgy of the Living Dead Triple Feature (Revenge of the Living Dead, Curse of the Living Dead, Fangs of the Living Dead), The Murder Clinic, Creature with the Blue Hand, The Certificate of Assurance Triple Feature (The Corpse Grinders, The Undertaker and His Pals, The Embalmer), Private Parts, a double feature of Daughters of Satan and Superbeast, Sisters, The Devil’s Wedding Night, Dracula vs. Frankenstein, Deranged, The Vampires Night Orgy, Poor Albert and Little Annie (AKA:  I Dismember Mama), The Toolbox Murders, Alien, Night Creature, Nosferatu the Vampyre, Battle Beyond the Stars, The Boogeyman, Flash Gordon, My Bloody Valentine, The Howling, The Loch Ness Horror, Terror in the Aisles, Weird Science, The Stuff, Chopping Mall, Return to Horror High, Angel Heart, The Night Stalker, Blood Diner, Amazon Women on the Moon, The Serpent and the Rainbow, The Blob, The Lair of the White Worm, and Tremors.

LIVID (2011) **

I was a huge fan of Alexandre Bustillo and Julien Maury’s Inside.  Unfortunately, their follow-up, Livid never made it to the States.  Until now.  Now that I’ve finally seen it, I can honestly say it wasn’t exactly worth the wait.  I know they all can’t be Inside, but it falls well short of that disgusting classic.  

Lucie (Chloe Coulloud) is training to be a home healthcare nurse.  While making her rounds, she tends to an extremely elderly comatose woman (Marie-Claude Pietragalla) who lives all alone in a giant mansion.  She learns the old lady used to be a ballet teacher and supposedly has a treasure hidden away somewhere in the mansion.  Of course, she tells her hotheaded boyfriend (Felix Moati) and his buddy Jeremy Kapone) all about it.  Desperate to change their dead-end situation, the trio breaks into the house looking for the loot and find....

I will resist the temptation to spoil what they finally uncover in the house, especially since it takes them about an hour to figure it out, which is kind of the problem.  The set-up is longwinded, and a lot of the getting-to-know-you scenes in the early going could’ve been tightened up a bit.  Sadly, once we find out what’s going on in the house, it’s no big whoop.  There is at least one semi-interesting death scene, but for the most part, it falls flat.  Even when the movie tries to do something a little different with the usual horror formula, it winds up being lackluster, or even worse, goofy.  It’s easy to see why this slipped through the cracks and took over a decade to reach our shores.  

I did like the directors’ nods to such films as An American Werewolf in London, Halloween 3, and possibly even Suspira, although they ultimately are ultimately nothing more than Easter eggs for fans.  (The constant use of scissors was probably a tip of hat to Inside, now that I think about it.)  If you’re still curious about seeing Livid, it might work best as a double feature with Don’t Breathe as both films revolve around thieves severely underestimating a seemingly incapacitated elderly person, but the dip in quality will be noticeable.  

HEAVENLY BODIES (1963) **

Heavenly Bodies is an OK early Russ Meyer effort.  Some of his trademarks are already apparent, most notably:  A bevy of busty ladies lounging naked outdoors.  There’s also a lot of narration and the rapid-fire editing Russ would be known for.  It ultimately doesn’t quite work because of the fractured narrative.  

The film is split up into little vignettes revolving around naked women.  Models take their clothes off poolside, in the woods, and in game rooms.  None of these sequences are especially sexy or memorable and since they are presented in a faux documentary style, they aren’t a lot of fun either.  

Heavenly Bodies is sorely missing the usual humor and violence that hallmark the best Russ films.  It also doesn’t help that many of the vignettes suffer from a similar kind of feel.  The jazzy background music is often repetitive too and the narrator’s highly technical jargon about the photographic equipment used during the modeling sessions was completely unnecessary.  

Meyer (who also appears in a segment orchestrating a modeling shoot) utilizes the usual set-ups found in nudie movies from the era.  Models play volleyball, sunbathe, swim, and dance in the nude.  The most novel nudist activity is when one of the bosomy models jiggles wildly as she uses a jump rope.  I just wish there were more scenes of this caliber throughout the film.

All of this is pleasant enough I suppose but ultimately, Heavenly Bodies is slight and forgettable.  (Aside from the jump rope bit, that is.)  Meyer’s true gift was combining sex and violence with a deft moralistic touch, so a pseudo skin documentary isn’t exactly the best use of his talents.  Since it does offer a bunch of busty beauties in the buff nearly non-stop, it’s hard to completely dismiss.  Another plus:  It’s under an hour long, so it moves along at a decent clip. 

AKA:  Heavenly Assignment.