X (2022) *** ½

The first hour or so of X answers the age-old question, “What would it look like if Tobe Hooper directed Boogie Nights?”  A bunch of young and horny pornographers rent a farmhouse from an elderly couple and proceed to make a porno (called “The Farmer’s Daughter”) on the down low.  Along the way, writer/director Ti (The House of the Devil) West gives us many homages to Hooper’s The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (it could’ve almost been called The TeXXXas Chainsaw Massacre), as well as Eaten Alive.  

Then, West makes an interesting pivot and shifts the focus to from the young horndogs to the old couple who own the farm where the smut movie makers are staying.  The way he contrasts their desires is startlingly effective.  If you don’t want to know the more, then maybe tap out here and just go see the flick.  (Spoilers Ahead.)

X is the third movie I’ve seen in three days about old people who are crazed killers.  (Old People and Dashcam were the other two.)  This was quite accidental, but it was fascinating to see how filmmakers handled the idea differently.  This one is the best of the lot because it actually manages to say something about the subject of growing old and the disdain the elderly must feel towards the young as they are in the twilight of their lives.  We’ve all heard the saying, “Age before beauty”.  Well, in X, age comes after beauty… with a vengeance.  

It also has a lot to say about sexuality and age.  Just because the old couple are wrinkled and gray doesn’t mean they can’t get it on.  If you’re shocked and/or appalled by the frank scenes of old people fucking, it’s because society’s beauty standards have instilled in us a kneejerk reaction to the sight elderly people screwing.

The performances are strong all around.  Martin Henderson takes the acting honors as the adult film’s executive producer who basically acts like an Asylum version of Matthew McConaughey.  Jenna Ortega is winning as the quiet, reserved boom operator who secretly wants to become a movie star.  Brittany Snow is quite good too as the blonde bombshell smut movie queen.  Mia Goth also has some nice moments as the coke-snorting, fame-obsessed porn starlet wannabe.  Rapper Kid Cudi does a fine job as well as the porno’s leading man.  

Goth returned six months later for the prequel, Pearl, also written and directed by West.

BLACKLIGHT (2022) * ½

Liam Neeson stars as a “fixer” named Travis Block who retrieves Federal agents from the field after they’ve been compromised.  He’s trying to retire from the life to spend more time with his grandkid, but his obviously evil boss Robinson (Aidan Quinn) ropes him into doing one more job.  When his protegee (Taylor John Smith) tries to blow the whistle on Robinson, he’s gunned down in the street by shadowy government agents.  It’s then up to Neeson and a reporter (Emmy Raver-Lampman) to join forces to bring Robinson down.  

The opening action sequence of Blacklight was worrisome.  It contained a lot of Shaky Cam and was pointlessly edited to shreds.  Seriously, it’s 2022 and we’re still doing this shit?  I know Liam Neeson has been making the same movie again and again for the past fifteen years, but there’s no reason to keep editing them the same way they did back in 2007.

Fortunately, the ADHD editing and camerawork settled down shortly thereafter.  That’s mostly because the action pretty much dries up too.  Aside from one OK scene where a dump truck tosses a speeding car at Neeson, it’s rather dull.  The finale, where Neeson goes Home Alone on a bunch of gunmen begins promising enough, but it soon reveals itself to be a weaker, less imaginative imitation of scenarios you’ve seen countless times before (which pretty much sums up the movie itself).  

The most laughable scene occurs when Neeson is late picking up his granddaughter from school.  When he arrives at the classroom, she tells him everyone went home and she’s the only one left in the entire building!  I’m asked to suspend disbelief in movies all the time, but I refuse to accept that any educator would leave a child alone, unattended in a school.  I mean not even the janitor is there?  What did the teacher expect her to do, lock up before she left?

Like many Neeson movies, they give him a character quirk.  Remember how he couldn’t remember in Unknown?  Or when he was a recovering alcoholic in A Walk Among the Tombstones?  Well, here he has OCD, which means he starts to do things two or three times before he actually does them.  Maybe if he looked at the script two or three times, he would’ve noticed how bad it was and passed on the movie.

NAKED CAME THE STRANGER (1975) ***

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DASHCAM (2022) ***

Dashcam is the best Shaky Cam Horror Movie ever made.  Even though there are several instances where the camera is way too damn shaky, it does contain one or two effective jump scares, which is more than I can say for all the films in the genre combined.  (The best one involves an airbag.)  Like most Shaky Cam flicks, it is slow to start.  However, what makes this one the pinnacle of the form is that once it gets going, the action never lets up.  (The “Hall of Mirrors” sequence in particular, is a real banger.)

Unlike We’re All Going to the World’s Fair, we are supposed to hate our heroine, Annie Hardy (herself).  In fact, it’s almost comical the way the movie stacks the deck against her.  Not only does she have her own livestream where she raps while driving, she’s also a MAGA lover who refuses to wear her mask during the pandemic.  You just can’t wait to see her get her just desserts.  

And boy, does she ever.  In the last two acts of the movie, she gets coated in blood, vomit, rain, mud, feces, and God knows what else.  Dare I say it’s reminiscent of Ash in The Evil Dead the way the movie puts her through the ringer.  It’s not nearly as good, mind you, but certainly reminiscent.  

The plot:  Influencer Annie goes to England to see an old friend and make stupid internet videos.  When she goes to pick up a food order, the sketchy employee asks her to give an old, infirmed woman a lift.  We soon learn the old lady is not what she seems.  

It's fitting I watched this right after We’re All Going to the World’s Fair and Old People.  Everything those movies managed to do wrong, Dashcam does so much better.  The best thing about it, is its breakneck pace.  If you can make it past the first twenty minutes of Annie being annoying, you will be treated to some truly impressive horrific shit.  Even as someone who detests the Shaky Cam genre, I have to tip my hat to the filmmakers for going all out in the crazy department.  Oh, and if you skip the end where Annie raps everyone’s name over the end credits, the movie’s only like an hour long.  You got to respect a Shaky Cam flick that knows when to pack it in before it overstays its welcome.  More films in the genre should take a cue from Dashcam’s lead.

OLD PEOPLE (2022) **

Here’s an irresistible idea for a movie.  Old people worldwide suddenly snap and start killing anyone belonging to the younger generations.  Think an ageist version of George Romero’s The Crazies.  Or maybe a mash-up of Romero’s Night of the Living Dad and The Amusement Park.

Things get off to a good start too as the opening in which an old dude goes nuts on his home healthcare nurse is a solid table setter.  Too bad it’s just a bait-and-switch as the movie then back peddles to when the outbreak first began.  For the next forty-five minutes or so we are stuck dealing with this family getting ready for a wedding.  The stuff with the bride renovating an old farmhouse for the reception feels like a goddamned Hallmark movie or something.  

While everyone is preparing for the nuptials, the family remembers poor old grandpa is at the nursing home and they go and pick him up.  Since no one had bothered to check on him in a while, the family is horrified to discover that gramps, along with all the other elderly people in the home, have turned into savage killers.  Naturally, the family hightails it out of there, but the oldies follow them home and crash the wedding.  

The premise is ripe for social commentary about elder abuse and neglect.  Sadly, the movie never takes it in that direction.  It would rather be yet another zombie movie variation.  This wouldn’t be such a bad thing if the horror sequences crackled, but for the most part, Old People is slow moving and dull.  It doesn’t help that much of the action is dimly lit so it’s hard to tell what’s going on half the time.  

The good news is the last reel manages to rekindle some of the pep that the opening sequence had.  So, at least the first and last ten minutes are worthwhile.  It’s a shame that the eighty minutes in between are pretty weak.  

WE’RE ALL GOING TO THE WORLD’S FAIR (2022) *

Casey (Anna Cobb) is a young girl who spends most of her time alone in her room making internet videos.  One day, the bored dolt does one of those dumb internet challenges, which I guess is supposed to be the latest variation on the Tide Pod Challenge.  If you ask me, any movie that asks us to sympathize with a character who is stupid enough to participate in a dumb internet challenge is already starting off on the wrong foot.

The challenge is kind of like a rip-off of “Bloody Mary” where you prick your finger, watch a weird internet video, and then say, “I’m going to the World’s Fair”.  Then, you’re supposed to “change”.  After Casey does the challenge, she hangs out in her room and passes the time by watching internet videos.  

NOTE TO FUTURE FILMMAKERS:  Don’t put a scene of your character mindlessly watching an online ASMR video in its entirety in the middle of your movie when your movie is already a snoozer to begin with.  Your audience is bored enough as it is.  They don’t need any more help falling asleep.

Then, we cut to some creepy ass dude (Michael J. Rogers) who watches Casey’s videos and may know more about the “World’s Fair” challenge than he lets on.  When they finally have a conversation on Skype, he disguises his voice so most of the dialogue is unintelligible.  It was here when I started to mentally check out of the movie.

It gets worse from there.  We see some of Casey’s internet videos, which are bad enough.  However, somehow, we get connected to Casey’s YouTube playlist, which plays an unending loop of lame internet videos.  I know it was asking too much for me to sympathize with a character who takes dumb internet challenges but asking me to sympathize with someone who leaves their YouTube on random is a bridge too far.  

Like most Shaky Cam movies, you have to sit through a LOT of bullshit before you finally find out where it’s all going.  I guess I don’t have to tell you that when we learn what the “World’s Fair” nonsense is all about, it’s disappointing as fuck.  The scariest part is the scene where the creepy internet dude takes a shit, and they show him on the can in an unbroken take that lasts an eternity.  You know you’re in trouble as a filmmaker when the only semi-effective scene you can pull off is showing some rando internet creep pinching a loaf.

TRAILERS #5: HORROR/SCI-FI EXPLOITATION OF THE ‘50S AND ‘60S (1992) *** ½

This is the kind of trailer compilation I would like to see more of.  It has a distinct theme running throughout (most of) the running time that thematically links the titles together.  It doesn’t even matter if many of these trailers appeared in previous Something Weird collections.  The fact that there’s an overreaching theme makes it more entertaining (to me, at least) than seeing just a random assortment of trailers tossed together.  

The theme for the first half of the compilation is monster/alien/maniacal women.  The trailers are linked by words in their titles, which makes it a lot of fun trying to guess which one is coming up next.  For example, Bride of Frankenstein, is followed by Bride of the Monster and The Brides of Fu Manchu.  Daughters are represented by Frankenstein’s Daughter, Daughter of Dr. Jekyll, and Jesse James Meets Frankenstein’s Daughter (along with its co-feature, Billy the Kid vs. Dracula).  There’s Voodoo Woman, The Wasp Woman, The Leech Woman, and Night of the Cobra Woman.  (“Filmed in Slitherama!”)  The She-Creature, She Freak, and The Astounding She-Monster are also grouped together.

That’s a lot of lethal ladies!

There are also awesome taglines aplenty:  Queen of Blood (“She Turns the Milky Way into a Galaxy of GORE!”), Teenage Doll (“Hellcats in Tight Pants Running in Packs!”), Teenage Gang Debs (“The Go-Go Girls Who Go TOO FAR!”), Berserk (“I Get Stabbing Pains When I See a Victim Fall on Naked Bayonets!”) 

The girl power motif is dropped about halfway through, which is a tad disappointing.  While I wish they had kept the badass beauties theme, there’s still plenty of good shit here as we get a fun assortment of horror (Deadtime Stories, Frankenstein’s Bloody Terror, and Midnight), Al Adamson movies (Nurse Sherri, Girls for Rent, and Horror of the Blood Monsters), Empire Pictures (From Beyond, Troll, and Ghoulies), Blaxploitation (Ebony, Ivory, and Jade, Dr. Black, Mr. Hyde, and Dolemite), and drive-in fare (Sweet Sugar, Terminal Island, and Truck Stop Women), with an occasional oddity like Macabro (a bizarre looking Mondo movie) tossed in there for good measure.  I think my favorite trailer was the double feature of Dracula, Prince of Darkness and Plague of the Zombies, which advertised a great giveaway:  “’Dracula Fangs’ for every boy and ‘Zombie Eyes’ for every girl!”

Even though the title suggests all the trailers will be from the ‘50s and ‘60s, there’s a lot from the ‘70s, a few from the ‘80s, and even one from the ‘30s.  (Girls on Probation… starring RONALD REAGAN!)  You won’t care because there’s a helluva lot of great stuff here.  In addition to trailers, there are also a bunch of clips from spook show previews, commercials, newsreels, and drive-in concession ads peppered throughout to remind you of how very different the times were when these films were released.

Here's the complete trailer rundown:  The Blood-A-Rama Show (featuring, Blood Bath, Queen of Blood, Blood of Dracula, and A Bucket of Blood), Bride of Frankenstein, Bride of the Monster, The Brides of Fu Manchu, The Brides of Dracula, Spook Show ad, Frankenstein's Daughter, Daughter of Dr. Jekyll, “The Shock-O-Rama Show” (Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter and Billy the Kid vs. Dracula), Cat Girl, Devil Girl from Mars, refrigerator giveaway ad, Voodoo Woman, The Wasp Woman, The Leech Woman, The Snake Woman, Night of the Cobra Woman, Attack of the 50 Foot Woman, Prehistoric Women, The Werewolf vs. The Vampire Woman, The Wild Women of Wongo, newsreel footage of women in the Air Force, The She-Creature, She Freak, The Astounding She-Monster, She Demons, Bon Bon commercial, Lady Frankenstein, Queen of Blood, Teenage Doll, Teenage Gang Debs, Girls on Probation, Monika, the Story of a Bad Girl, Female Jungle, Gypsy Wildcat, Blood of Dracula, an ad for a “Double Love Show”, Strait-Jacket, Berserk, “Screaming Mee-Mee Spook Show ad, Frankenstein Created Woman, The Brain That Wouldn't Die, a wig ad, Dinah East, Sinderella and the Golden Bra, Nurse Sherri, ‎Girls for Rent, Blood-O-Rama Shock Festival, ‎From Beyond, Horror of the Blood Monsters, a double feature of Mutiny in Outer Space and The Human Duplicators, Troll, Blazing Stewardesses, Deadtime Stories, Ghoulies, Blood of Ghastly Horror, Satan's Sadists, Dracula vs. Frankenstein, Macabro, Frankenstein's Bloody Terror, The Twilight People, Don't Open the Window (AKA:  Let Sleeping Corpses Lie), Vampyres, The Booby Hatch, Midnight, a double feature of Dracula: Prince Of Darkness and Plague Of The Zombies, a double feature of Blood Bath and Queen of Blood, Bloodeaters, a drive-in PSA about speakers, The Green Slime, House Of Psychotic Women, Ebony, Ivory & Jade, Dr. Black, Mr. Hyde, Dolemite, The Human Tornado, Disco Godfather, Sweet Sugar, Terminal Island, and Truck Stop Women.