THE BURNING HELL (1974) ** ½

Ron Ormond teamed up with Reverend Estus Pirkle for a follow-up to their WTF Christian Scare film, If Footmen Tire You What Will Horses Do?  In that flick, Pirkle showed us what would happen if the Communists took over America.  This time, he’s out to give you a glimpse of what’s waiting for you if you go to Hell.

I don’t think The Burning Hell is quite as entertaining as If Footmen Tire You What Will Horses Do?, but I can easily say this is the only movie I’ve seen that has a credit in the opening title sequence for “Original Story and Preacher”.

That credit belongs to none other than Estus Pirkle.  Not only did Pirkle provide the story and preach, he also stars.  Early in the film, he is visited in his home by two traveling salesmen trying to get him to buy a book promoting a new religion.  He urges them to stop following their phony baloney religion at the risk of going to Hell.  One guy gets in his face and says, “If I do go to Hell, there will be a lot of my friends waiting on me!”  

They then take off on motorcycles and the loudmouth runs his bike off the road and is decapitated!  His pal (Tim Ormond) tearfully goes to church where Pirkle is preaching and asks him if his friend went to Hell, and without missing a beat, he says, “Chances are, he’s likely burning in the flames of Hell right now!” 

What’s great about this scene isn’t the way Pirkle flippantly (and somewhat joyfully) announces to Ormond that his friend is burning in Hell, but the fact that Tim doesn’t go to the police to report the accident… he goes right to church!

Tim basically has the same role as the wayward girl in If Footmen…  He just sits there in church and thinks about all the wrong he did as the preacher preaches away.  It’s not the best use of his talents to be sure.

The biblical dramatizations are probably the exact same thing you’d picture in your head when you think of a Christian Scare film, namely poor production values, shitty costumes, and even worse fake beards.  You know, just like the shit they used to show us in Sunday School. 

The Hell sequences are something else though and help redeem those pokey passages.  The shots of the bloody, screaming faces of the lost souls running around a flaming black void are rather effective, as are the close-ups of maggots crawling on the faces of the damned.  Too bad the preachy scenes and biblical reenactments get in the way of the fun. 

Still, this is pretty good for a Christian Scare film.  It’s a lot more demented than the typical Sunday School fare, that’s for sure.  It just lacks the demented flee of its predecessor. 

PLEASE DON’T TOUCH ME (1963) ***

 

Ron Ormond’s Please Don’t Touch Me is a mix of hypnotism propaganda, roadshow ballyhoo, and frigid wife melodrama. 

Things kick off with the rape of our leading lady, Vicky (Vicki Caron) when she was just a teenager.  From there, we get a lecture on hypnotism.  We see Franz Mesmer (Ormond) perfecting the art of mesmerism as well as a demonstration of a needle being inserted into the arm of a hypnotized person.  The best part though is the artist renderings of people who have been helped by hypnotism, including a guy with a “103-pound scrotal tumor”!  Next, we get Mondo movie-style footage of real-life operation scenes, flagellants, and a guy laying on a bed of nails.  Finally, the movie begins. 

The ensuing drama claims to be a case history of a real woman who used hypnotism to cure her sexual hang-ups.  Vicky is worried that her fear of being touched by her newlywed husband will ruin their marriage.  Her meddling mother (Ruth Blair) insists she see a shrink (Lash La Rue!).  He then turns to a hypnotist (Ormond McGill, a real-life hypnotist) to help unlock her psychosis. 

Please Don’t Touch Me plays sort of like a slightly tawdrier version of roadshow movies from the ‘30s like Mom and Dad.  Despite its exploitative foundation, there are some stretches that are surprisingly sensitive (for the time at least).  Other moments are rather hilarious, like when the hubby has a dream where Vicky is tempting him with a striptease, only to have her mother appear in between them when they’re about to get close.

Vicki Caron gives a great performance.  You really feel for her, and it’s a shame she never made another movie.  She also looks great in a series of sexy outfits, negligees, and low-cut blouses, the latter she wears while lying on the shrink’s couch, spilling her ample cleavage everywhere.  Like Ormond’s Monster and the Stripper, there isn’t any nudity, but it’s a bit more revealing than most films of the era.  (We get a bit of side boob during the wedding night flashback scene.) 

Even if Vicky’s plight has been somewhat sensationalized and exploited, Ormond is clearly on her side.  Topics like rape and sexual inadequacy in the marriage bed were certainly taboo subjects at the time, so it’s kind of shocking that it’s all handled as tastefully as it is.  In fact, Ormond exploits hypnotism more than anything.  Hypnotism was all the rage in the late ‘50s (it was shot in ‘59), and the film is mostly a tribue to Ormond’s mentor, Ormond McGill (whom he took his stage name from). 

The rape angle was really there to put butts in the seats.  I mean, who would come to see a movie about a woman using hypnotism to cure… say… smoking…. or snoring?  So, I guess it really is exploitative after all.  It’s just not as crassly done as you might expect.

The harmonica heavy soundtrack was courtesy of The Mulcays, the pair of harmonica players who later appeared in Ormond’s Girl from Tobacco Row and Monster and the Stripper.

MITCH ON THE DTVC PODCAST!

Hey gang, this week I was a guest on Matt Poirier’s Direct to Video Connoisseur Podcast.  We talked about David DeCoteau’s Christmas flick, Santa’s Summer House starring DTV action stars Gary Daniels, Cynthia Rothrock, Daniel Bernhardt, and Chris Mitchum. You can check out our chat here:  DTVC Podcast 79 Santa's Summer House (talkshoe.com)

IF FOOTMEN TIRE YOU WHAT WILL HORSES DO? (1971) ***

After a long career of making exploitation fare for southern drive-ins, director Ron (Monster and the Stripper) Ormond suffered not one, but two near-fatal experiences in airplanes.  He then turned over his life to Jesus and made a deal with the Lord to only make movies in His name.  While the drive-in lost one of its most unsung directors, the Christian religion gained one heck of a screwy cinematic shepherd. 

Ormond’s first film as a born-again filmmaker was If Footmen Tire You What Will Horses Do?  It’s a mix of “What If?” cinema verité and good old-fashioned fire and brimstone preaching.  It is based on the works of Reverend Estus Pirkle, who delivers a sermon about the dangers of Communism as well as the many sins and vices that populated the early ‘70s (and now). 

It’s funny because the things Pirkle is rallying against (riots, campus protests, society’s loosening moral fiber, etc.) are still happening today.  Because of that, I say it’s high time somebody remake this for modern audiences.  Then again, no one could’ve possibly captured the madcap insanity of Pirkle’s ranting like Ormond.

If Footmen Tire You What Will Horses Do? is a mix of Christian Scare film and Anti-Communist propaganda, and it’s just demented enough to transcend both genres.  The scenes of Communists spreading terror on ordinary God-fearing folks work the best and play out like a Sunday School filmstrip version of Red Dawn directed by Herschell Gordon Lewis.  Soldiers march citizens to their mandated jobs and if they refuse, they are shot dead in the street.  Drunk soldiers also wander into homes and force themselves on innocent housewives. 

That’s nothing compared to what they do to the children.  Kids are herded up and told to renounce God and pray to Fidel Castro in exchange for candy.  When the kids are caught listening to underground sermons, they are tied up and have their eardrums punctured with bamboo so they “can’t hear the word of God”.   Children are also forced to string up their own father and drop him repeatedly into a bed of pitchforks. In the film’s most insane scene, a kid is told to spit on a picture of Jesus and when he refuses, he’s decapitated!

This movie has been on my radar for a while as one of my friends has been after me to see if for some time.  I’m glad I got to see it within the context of the rest of Ormond’s work.  Because of that I definitely have a better appreciation for it. 

Even at a scant 52 minutes, it all feels a bit overlong.  That’s due to the fact that the preaching scenes are well, overly preachy, but also because the stuff with a sinning teenage member of the congregation having second thoughts about her wicked ways during the sermon kind of bog things down.  Although the valleys are as plentiful as the peaks, If Footmen Tire You What Will Horses Do? nevertheless remains a fascinating look into Ormond’s mind.  I mean, you become a born-again Christian, and THIS is the movie you make?  

In short, this movie is proof there is a God, and he’s an exploitation fan.

MONSTER AND THE STRIPPER (1968) ****

Monster and the Stripper kicks off with a lot of Mondo movie-style footage of Bourbon Street and Mardi Gras.  It’s edited like a Russ Meyer film, complete with rapid cuts and many Dutch angles.  Even the hard-boiled narration is similar to the Meyer style.  Then the plot begins.

Nemo (Ron Ormond, who also directed) is the owner of a strip joint on Bourbon Street.  He watches a bunch of women doing various striptease numbers as part of an open audition.  Frustrated that none of the girls can compete with his headliner, Titania (Georgette Dante), a babe that uses FLAMING tassels in her act, he decides he needs a new angle.  Nemo then asks his right-hand man to capture a supposed swamp monster that’s been offing the locals so he can put it in one of the stripper’s act.  Thus begins a cinematic journey that will leave your jaw agape for most of the running time.

If you’ve ever seen a Ron Ormond movie, you know he’s a fan of padding.  Girl from Tobacco Row was padded with country music.  (The wacky harmonica duo from that film also appear here.)  In White Lightnin’ Road, it was stock car racing.  Here, it’s striptease numbers.  I’m sure you can guess which film offers the best kind of padding.

Not only does Ron have a sizeable role in this one, but so does his producing partner/wife June.  She plays the stage manager at the club and also does a comedic fan dance!  It truly was a family affair for the Ormonds as their son Tim (who frequently appeared in their films) plays the young jungle guide who takes the hunters to find “The Swamp Thing”.

The early audition scenes feel like an unofficial remake of Horrors of Spider Island.  Heck, even the monster (played by the awesomely named rockabilly singer, Sleepy LaBeef) kind of looks like the monster from Horrors of Spider Island (mixed with a little bit of Eegah! for good measure).  The film also reminded me a bit of Orgy of the Dead too.  It’s not as single-mindedly driven by striptease scenes as Orgy was, but its structure is certainly similar.  It also has an Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies vibe as the numbers almost have the same amount of screen time as the “drama”.  There’s even a King Kong-inspired “Beauty and the Beast” stage act that sets up the final reel.

The scene where the Swamp Thing rips a guy’s arm off and beats him to death with it is as good as anything you’d see in a Herschell Gordon Lewis movie.  We also get a doozy of a reveal when we learn the Swamp Thing has ripped one of the strippers’ tit off.  We probably could’ve done without the real-life cow mutilation and chicken beheading, but that just goes along with the whole “What the Hell will they show us now?” vibe.

Even the plot detours are strongly crafted.  The scene where a bunch of gangsters threaten a goon who’s been stealing from them is expertly done.  The placement of the spittoon shots at first seem random until it becomes apparent they will empty the contents of the spittoon on the traitor’s head if he won’t comply with their wishes.  It’s downright Hitchcockian the way Ormond allows the scene to unfold. 

The cinematography is straight-up gorgeous too.  Nothing quite looks like a sleazy, late ‘60s horror/stripper movie like a sleazy, late ‘60s horror/stripper movie, and this is about as good of a looking one as you’ll see.  The garish colors highlight the luridness of the premise and the full-color process helps to preserve the stripping acts in a cinematic time capsule.

I will say that although the film contains a LOT of stripping, there’s no actual nudity because the dancers all wear pasties or tassels.  Trust me when I say that it doesn’t matter as their performances are truly entertaining.  Titania’s fire dance in particular is really something. 

In short, Monster and the Stripper is incredible.  Any movie that can call to mind the works of Russ Meyer, Herschell Gordon Lewis, Ray Dennis Steckler, Ed Wood, AND Alfred Hitchcock (not to mention King Kong, Horrors of Spider Island, and Eegah!) needs to be seen immediately.  Ron Ormond (who also played the killer in Teen-Age Strangler) needs to be as well-known as all those fine gentlemen.  It is my mission to make that happen, as I will be bringing you many more reviews of Ormond’s work in the coming week. 

AKA:  The Exotic Ones.

STUCK! (2009) * ½

Daisy (Starina Johnson) comes home to find her ailing mother attempting suicide.  She tries to stop her, with tragic consequences.  A neighbor witnesses their altercation and thinks Daisy was trying to kill her mother.  She calls the cops, and Daisy is tried and sentenced for murder.  Once in the big house, she tries to adjust to her new life.  Eventually, she forms a family unit with her fellow inmates as they stand united against the lecherous guard (Stacy Cunningham) who sets out to make her life a living hell. 

On the surface, Stuck! looks like a throwback to the women in prison films of the ‘50s.  It boasts a cool supporting cast that features Karen Black, Mink Stole, and The Go-Go’s Jane Wiedlin.  All of them are pretty much wasted in one way or another, however. Wiedlin in particular is given absolutely nothing to do as she plays the childlike “Princess” whose only dialogue is repeating the last few words her girlfriend says.  Black’s character is kinda superfluous too.  It seems like the part might’ve been a lot smaller, but once they realized they had a name star in the role, they decided they needed to give her something to do. 

Despite appearances, Stuck! Is low on exploitation elements, which is disappointing.  It might’ve been a fun send-up of WIP movies, but other than one gratuitous disrobing scene, the nudity is pitifully low.  We do get a shower, gangbang, and mutual masturbation scene, although all of them occur fully clothed and/or happen offscreen.

The drama is really amateurish too.  With its minimalistic sets, it often feels more like a filmed Off-Broadway play than an honest to goodness genre flick.  Even the black and white photography is kind of crummy.  (It looks like it was filmed in color and then changed in post-production.)  I mean it just sort of fails on every level. 

Even when the movie starts to show promise, it almost immediately drops the ball.  There’s an interesting plot wrinkle about halfway through when Daisy survives her first execution and seemingly takes on a new identity.  This threatens to put a little spark into the proceedings, but it’s pretty much forgotten as soon as it’s introduced.  In short, Stuck! deserves a stiff sentence. 

DRAGON AGAINST VAMPIRE (1985) * ½

Three bumbling, dog-eating graverobbers accidentally awaken a vampire who kills the fat guy and the annoying dude.  That leaves the least irritating guy in the bunch to find a Kung Fu master in an underground cave.  He begs the master to train him, and he eventually agrees to teach him the art of Kung Fu sorcery necessary to defeat the bloodsucker in the final showdown. 

Dragon Against Vampire is one of those Joseph Lai and Godfrey Ho joints.  Usually, Ho likes to cut and paste two movies together and call it a new feature.  This just feels like it was just cut.  Very little of it makes sense and the plot jumps around an awful lot.  Even though it feels like whole chunks are missing from this thing, it still feels maddeningly long.  It may only clock in at 77 minutes, but you’ll swear it’s the same length as the director’s cut of Titanic. 

The erratic editing really does it in.  Whole sections are nothing more than dream-within-a-dream sequences that are more confusing than anything.  The horror elements are really loose too as you have to wait a long time before anything remotely horrific happens.  When the horror stuff finally does kick into gear, it’s crammed together in a perplexing fashion.  This movie also features a record number of jump scare scenes where a villain hiding just offscreen clamps their hands on someone’s shoulder, and boy, it sure gets annoying fast. 

Speaking of annoying, the comic relief shit will get on your nerves almost immediately.  I guess that was to be expected in a movie like this, but even the Kung Fu elements are sloppy and rushed.  The big training montage is abrupt and the climactic duel between good and evil is completely unsatisfying.  I mean for a movie called Dragon Against Vampire, they sure do wait long enough to show the titular confrontation.

It may sound like I’m doing nothing but ragging on Dragon Against Vampire, but it does have one interesting aspect, and that is the vampire is clearly modeled on the western interpretation of the creature.  Usually in these things, the vampire hops around in accordance with traditional Chinese folklore.  Having a vampire that is more Christopher Lee than Bruce Lee is enough to make it at the very least memorable.  That doesn’t make it good though.