THE MUMMY LIVES (1993) *

The Mummy Lives begins with a five-minute lecture on astrological constellations over a vast starfield.  Every time a Zodiac sign is introduced, the stars are connected like a game of Connect the Dots to personify each sign.  This vaguely fits into the plot (eventually), but it just felt like gratuitous padding to me.

The next twenty-five minutes alternates between scenes of Leslie Hardy tossing and turning in bed, an archeological dig, and a flashback to ancient Egypt where a high priest is mummified.  The editing is so confusing that it’s hard to tell which event Hardy is dreaming about, the dig or the mummification.  Unfortunately, the editing only gets worse as the movie goes on.  Hardy narrates the beginning scenes, but by the time the third act rolls around, she’s nowhere to be found, so her boyfriend has to take up the narrating duties.  Whenever the film hits a dead end (which is often), it just cuts back to the astrological starfield from the beginning.  Then we hear some random dialogue that sets up the next scene. 

Oh, I guess I should say a few words about the mummified priest.  He’s played by none other than Tony Curtis.  Yes, Tony Curtis.  He has to be the most miscast mummy in movie history.  Speaking in a thick New York accent (that won’t be invented for three thousand years), he looks silly in his assortment of Egyptian robes and headpieces.  I doubt it’s really him in the mummy suit though (which is more of a dried husk than the traditionally wrapped costume).  One thing is for sure, Some Like It Hot was a LONG time ago.

The Mummy Lives has pretty much the same plot as the 1932 version of The Mummy.  The mummy’s tomb is opened, he comes to life, and kills the archeologists who desecrated his resting place.  He returns to human form and tries to woo the woman he believes is the reincarnation of his lost love (Hardy).  Curtis then spends rest of the movie dressed like a sheik and trying to gaslight Hardy into thinking she’s mummy marriage material. 

Allegedly based on an Edgar Allan Poe poem, this yawnfest does have an occasional laugh or two.  The cat attack scene is kind of funny, and a chuckle can be had whenever Curtis is forced to say shit like, “Get out of my TOOOMB!”  Overall, this has got to be one of the worst mummy movies ever made, ranking down there with The Mummy Returns and Jerry Warren’s Attack of the Mayan Mummy.  If it’s not the worst, then it’s definitely the dullest.