VIXENS OF BANDALERO (1993) *

The sexy O’Shea sisters are reunited after their ailing father has a heart attack.  When he passes away, he leaves his failing ranch to the trio.  The sisters are shocked to learn the bank is about to foreclose on their home, so they embark on a treasure hunt to get the funds necessary to save their family homestead.  

It seems like that kind of a set-up would make for a fairly straightforward movie.  However, nothing about Vixens of Bandalero is straightforward.  The incoherent storytelling and slapdash editing make me think this might’ve been an abandoned or unfinished flick that was cobbled together and then (barely) released.  

It begins with one of the sisters at a typewriter telling the story before bouncing around to various random shit (including a babe relaxing in a hot tub) before the plot even begins.  Once she begins relating the tale, there are other sequences that don’t make a lick of sense (including a deathbed flashback sequence) that further clutter up the narrative.  Whenever things get dull (which is often), director Manny Esquivel tosses in a lot of gratuitous shots of the ladies scuba diving, which further bogs things down.  Then, just when you think it’s over, it continues on senselessly for another ten excruciating minutes.

The thing that prevents Vixens of Bandalero from being totally worthless is the fact that whenever the trio of sisters are together, the male characters will often fantasize about them dancing sexy, stripping down, or getting it on right in the middle of a scene.  Sometimes it happens during an important business meeting.  Other times, it happens during a Sergio Leone-style Wild West shootout.  

I wanted to do a tribute to Gilbert Gottfried, the host of one of my favorite shows of all time, USA Up All Night, so I watched an episode featuring Vixens of Bandalero.  Because of that, the version of the movie I saw was conspicuously absent of nudity.  I don’t know if the nude scenes would’ve changed the rating much (although there are plenty of scenes of the sexy sisters in bikinis and lingerie), but this is one of the most confounding, sloppy, and just play bad late-night flicks I’ve seen in a long time.  Gilbert’s host segments are pretty basic (he just reads viewer mail), but they at least made me nostalgic for the good old days when Up All Night ruled the late-night airwaves.  RIP Gilbert.  

AKA:  Vixens of Bandelero.