William Kerwin and Rex Marlow star as two nightclub performers who wonder why their respective girlfriends are always busy on weekends. They do some snooping and eventually discover their gal pals are nudists. Outraged, the two doofuses dumbly dump their dames. However, the lovely ladies give their finicky fellas a shot at redemption and offer them a chance to spend the weekend at the camp to see how the other (naked) half lives.
From the title, you’d think this is gonna be a nudist version of the old storybook favorite. In actuality, it’s the first (or advertised as the first, anyway) nudie musical. The problem, of course, is there’s way too much musical and not enough nudie.
That’s right, before you even get a glimpse of skin, you have to sit through a lot of long, dumb nightclub acts. Kerwin was great in Blood Feast and all, but a comedian he’s not. His painfully unfunny stand-up act is a chore to get through and Marlow’s crooner numbers are even worse. If that nonsense wasn’t already enough, director Herschell Gordon Lewis uses even more pointless stalling tactics that get in the way of the good stuff including long driving scenes, silent comedy sequences, and domestic squabbling that is sure to get on anyone’s nerves.
In fact, you have to wait till the movie’s halfway over before you get to the nudism stuff. As far as nudist camp movies go, the nudism scenes are OK. We get: Skinny-dipping, nude photography, nude swinging (no, not that kind), sunbathing, horseback riding (what, no Lady Godiva jokes?), water basketball (called “splash-ket ball”), boating, and a nude talent show. At the very least, leading lady Louise Downe (who also wrote Blood Feast) does look great nude (especially while jiggling around on horseback), so that does help somewhat.
Then again, it’s just a shame that the title is so misleading. I mean the idea of a nudie Goldilocks movie could’ve really been something. Imagine, she sneaks into the bears’ house and walks in on Mama Bare and Papa Bare making love in the bedroom and says, “Oh that bed’s just right!” before joining in for a three-way. Unfortunately, Lewis and company didn’t follow through on the promise of the title and gave us this crap instead.
Marlow gets the best line when he tells his girlfriend, “E-X-I-T! That spells, ‘OUT’!”
AKA: Goldilocks’ Three Chicks.
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