LET’S GET PHYSICAL: INVADERS OF THE LOST GOLD (1982) * ½

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:  

(As posted on March 29th, 2018)

Invaders of the Lost Gold is a frustrating film, mostly because it gathers together a great cast and then doesn’t do anything with them.  If you ever wanted to see Stuart Whitman, Woody Strode, Edmund Purdom, Harold “Odd Job” Sakata, and Laura Gemser walk endlessly around the jungle while sweating and complaining, then you’re sure to love it.  For any other sane person, it’ll be tough going.

Whitman stars as an alcoholic adventurer who gets hired by an old rich dude to find a cache of hidden treasure.  They get a team together, much to the chagrin of Purdom, who knows that the more people you take on an expedition, the smaller the shares will be.  As the excursion wears on, people start dying off one by one.  That’ll help raise your bottom line!

Directed by Alan (Killer’s Moon) Birkinshaw, Invaders of the Lost Gold is a slow moving and boring affair.  The dull opening WWII flashback in which some Japanese soldiers hide the gold gets the movie off on the wrong foot.  It’s overlong and clunky and gets in the way of Whitman’s storyline.  The scenes of the team being put together are equally sluggish, and by the time they finally head off into the jungle, you’ll already be checking your watch.  The jungle sequences themselves are repetitive and aren’t too far removed from your typical jungle movie from the ‘30s. 

It’s not all bad though.  If you always wanted to see Woody Strode fight Odd Job from Goldfinger, then Invaders of the Lost Gold has you covered.  Gemser also gets a lengthy nude swim, which helps perk things up.  Not even that marvelous piece of filmmaking can save the movie.

AKA:  Horror Safari.  AKA:  Greed.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: EMANUELLE AND FRANCOISE (1975) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

For whatever reason, Emanuelle and Francoise was not included in Severin’s The Sensual World of Black Emanuelle box set, despite the fact that they had previously released it on DVD.  Clips of the film were also featured in that set’s documentary, Inferno Rosso, which made its absence especially conspicuous.  I guess they didn’t want fans to double dip.  Fortunately, I already had it on my “To Be Watched” shelf, so it all worked out. 

Francoise (Patrizia Glori) is a model who comes home early to find her no-good boyfriend Carlo (George Eastman) is cheating on her.  Distraught, she throws herself in front of a speeding train. Her sister, Emanuelle (Rosemarie Lindt) reads her lengthy suicide note and learns Carlo had also pimped Francoise out to pay off his debts.  Emanuelle then sets out to make Carlo pay for Francoise’s death. 

Emanuelle and Francoise is a rare Emanuelle outing directed by Joe D’Amato that doesn’t star Laura Gemser.  It does, however, feature a snappy score that features a few tunes from the previous Black Emanuelle movies.  Because of that, it feels like there is some connective tissue there, despite the lack of Gemser. 

Lindt is a solid replacement, all things considered.  She is plenty hot as she kind of resembles a sexed-up version of Marg Helgenberger.  She also really seems to enjoy tormenting Eastman, which gives the later scenes a little bit of a kick. 

Too bad the pacing is on the deliberate side.  D’Amato also uncharacteristically gives us more tease than please.  Thankfully, once Emanuelle finally sets her plan in motion, it’s kind of fun.  It’s here where she chains up Eastman in her private dungeon and forces him to watch from a two-way mirror as she seduces those near to him.  He eventually winds up so deranged from his predicament that he imagines seeing Emanuelle and her friends participating in a cannibal dinner party/orgy!  The slight detour into horror movie territory doesn’t exactly work, but it adds to the anything-goes vibe.  While D’Amato can’t quite stick the landing, the sometimes ghoulish third act adds to the overall unpredictability of the film.  

All in all, Emanuelle and Francoise is about as uneven as most of these fake Emanuelle movies can get, but it hits more than it misses. 

AKA:  Emanuelle’s Revenge.  AKA:  Blood Vengeance.  AKA:  Demon Rage.

THE MUMMY AND THE CURSE OF THE JACKALS (1969) ***

Anthony Eisley stars as an archeologist who wants to show off his latest discovery, an ancient sarcophagus containing a perfectly preserved Egyptian princess (Marliza Pons), to his colleagues at a convention in Las Vegas.  But first thing's first.  He gets his associate to lock him inside the tomb because he wants to disprove the “Curse of the Jackals”.  Shocker:  The curse is not only real, but it also turns him into a jackal-man, courtesy of old school werewolf transformation special effects.  

You know, I could say this is the worst werewolf make-up I’ve ever seen.  Instead, I’ll accentuate the positive and say it’s the best werejackal make-up I’ve ever seen.  I mean he looks like one of those Country Bears from Disney World after a seven-day drunk.  Anyway, after Eisley transforms, he runs around and kills some cops.  (ACAB-All Cops are Bound to Get Killed by a Dude in Shoddy Werejackal Make-Up.)  

Up until now, The Mummy and the Curse of the Jackals was one bad, but gloriously entertaining movie.  It’s only when the mummy stuff starts creeping in does the film slam on the brakes.  The flashback of the mummy’s origin is a virtual remake of the 1932 Boris Karloff version, except with community theater level costumes and sets.  (There is a mildly gory tongue ripping scene though.) 

Luckily, before things get too boring, Eisley turns back into the werejackal and attacks a wino, and the movie is back on track.  Then, the princess wakes up and does a Vegas dance routine accompanied by a swinging score.  I have to tell you, the romantic scenes of Eisley falling for the princess are a hoot.  They play like a mash-up of Mannequin, Splash, and I Dream of Jeannie.  The scene where he tries to show a 4000-year-old supermodel mummy how a bra works is peak cinema. 

While Eisley takes the princess out on the town, the other mummy wakes up.  If you thought the mummy in Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy looked bad, then check this dude out.  His face looks like a beef jerky sculpture of the Toxic Avenger.  Anyway, he isn’t alive five minutes and he’s killing go-go dancers and crashing through walls.  WOW. 

What else can I tell you about this movie?  The princess has a snake ring that turns into a glowing disco ball and hypnotizes people.  The shots of the mummy and the werejackal strutting down the Vegas strip and waltzing through casinos while incredulous passersby look on are priceless.  Oh, and about an hour into the movie, John Carradine shows up because… this is exactly the kind of movie John Carradine would show up in. 

When it finally comes time for the big showdown between the two titular titans, the werejackal hits the mummy with a stick, and it disappears in a puff of light and smoke!  WHAT.  Thankfully, the mummy returns (don’t ask me how) to attack a wino (this movie hates winos with a passion).  He and the werejackal then go toe to toe a few more times before a positively stupefying ending that will have you asking yourself, “HUH?!?”

What were you expecting from a movie starring Anthony Eisley and John Carradine?

Director Oliver Drake was known for directing mostly westerns and even tried his hand at porn around the same time this was released.  This movie is crappy for sure, but it’s my kind of crappy.  Any film that has me saying “HUH”, “WOW”, and “WHAT? in the span of eighty minutes must be worth a look.  All in all, The Mummy and the Curse of the Jackals is truly an unsung classic of grade Z cinema. 

AKA:  The Mummy’s Curse of the Jackal.

ABIGAIL (2024) **

Directors Matt Bettinelli-Olpin and Tyler Gillett (AKA:  “Radio Silence”) reunited with their Scream star Melissa Barrera for this ho-hum crime thriller/vampire mash-up.  There’s a Reservoir Dogs-style setup where kidnappers are given aliases.  In this case, their names are all based on The Rat Pack.  Like From Dusk Till Dawn, the movie switches over from criminals to vampires on a dime.  It’s a slight variation on both of those Tarantino-written films, but without his wit or sense of fun. 

You see, the kidnappers were brought together to nab a crime lord’s daughter, Abigail (Alisha Weir).  After they snatch her, the hoodlums hunker down in an abandoned mansion and wait for the money to roll in.  They don’t realize the little girl is actually a vampire (and a ballerina), and that she has a habit of toying with her prey (or playing with her food as it were) before killing them. 

I’m not really spoiling anything because if you’ve seen the trailers, you already know the twist.  Unfortunately, that’s the only trick the movie has up its sleeve.  Even a film with a predictable twist can work if it’s done with style or humor, but after the big reveal, Abigail just doesn’t have anywhere to go.  Heck, even the Marvel-inspired surprise cameo at the end falls flat. 

The performances are fine.  Barrera is good as the heroine, Dan Stevens is fun as the smarmy bespectacled kidnapper, and Kathryn Newton is fetching as the computer whiz of the group.  Weir also does a solid job as the titular character, especially when she’s portraying an old person trapped in a young girl’s body. 

There’s plenty of blood to go around too, which is a good thing.  When a vampire bites the dust, they explode like a bag of cherry Gushers in the microwave.  It’s just a shame that’s about all the movie has to offer. 

Originally, this was going to be called Dracula’s Daughter and was intended as a sort of reboot of Universal’s “Dark Universe”.  Eventually, everybody just decided to make the movie a standalone feature.  I’m not sure how it would’ve played with the Universal connection (at least the final scene would’ve made more sense), but as an “original” work, it feels awfully derivative.  The fact that it features a killer kid with a penchant for dancing suggests the studio probably changed things up once they saw the box office receipts for M3GAN.  If that seems cynical… well… that’s kinda how watching Abigail makes you feel.