LET’S GET PHYSICAL: GET CRAZY (1983) *** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Directed by Rock n’ Roll High School’s Allan Arkush, Get Crazy is similar in tone to that classic (just imagine if it had just taken a handful of amphetamines).  Allen Garfield stars as a theater owner putting on a big New Year’s Eve show with a half-dozen rock and blues acts.  (I was originally going to watch this on New Year’s Eve to close out the Let’s Get Physical column, but it just didn’t work out that way.)  Ed Begley Jr. is a sleazy record producer who wants to buy the building out from under him.  When Garfield refuses, he plans to blow the place up at midnight.  Meanwhile, the stage manager (Daniel Stern) tries to wrangle all the performers backstage and get the show on the road. 

Get Crazy lacks the cohesive center that made Rock n’ Roll High School such a classic.  However, the film’s freewheeling anarchic spirit is infectious.  Much of the movie feels like a filmed Mad Magazine parody.  Some of the random bits of craziness are truly inspired.  My favorite character is the extraterrestrial (?) robot (?) drug dealer named Electric Larry.  Arkush’s scattershot approach sometimes yields less than hysterical results though.  (Stern’s romantic daydreams are especially unfunny.)

That said, it’s worth watching for the music, as well as the amazing cast.  We have Lou Reed as a reclusive folk singer, Malcolm McDowell doing a spot-on Mick Jagger impression (McDowell once told me at a horror convention that Jagger refused to speak to him after he saw the movie), Fear’s Lee Ving as a headbanging punk rocker, and The Doors’ John Densmore as McDowell’s drummer (who plays the drums with chicken drumsticks in one scene).  Roger Corman regulars Mary Woronov, Paul Bartel, Dick Miller, and Jackie Joseph also pop up, and Linnea Quigley and Michelle Bauer appear briefly as groupies.  Underrated hottie Anna (More American Graffiti) Bjorn also puts in a memorable turn as McDowell’s main squeeze.  The soundtrack is worth picking up too, and the title tune by Sparks is a straight-up banger. 

Well, that wraps things up for the Let’s Get Physical column.  It was kind of exhausting at times, but it was a lot of fun.  I don’t plan on doing another daily watching column this year, but I probably will do the 31 Days of Horror-Ween this October (which went by the wayside in 2024 since I was so preoccupied with Let’s Get Physical).  I hope you all have a great New Year!

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: BIKINI PLANET (2002) **

FORMAT:  DVD

It’s easy to see why this movie was paired with Voyage to the Planet of Teenage Cavewomen as part of a DVD double feature.  Both movies are ‘50s Sci-Fi spoofs about astronauts visiting two planets that have fused together.  Only in this one, the two planets are made to look like a pair of giant tits, and instead of a planet populated by cavewomen, it’s a planet full of sexy babes in bikinis.  Bikini Planet isn’t nearly as successful as Voyage though, despite the benefit of having a few familiar faces in the cast.  (And by “familiar faces”, I mean Conrad Brooks from Plan 9 from Outer Space plays the Vice President.)

Although the movie tries to replicate the look of the old ‘50s Sci-Fi flicks, it all feels kind of halfhearted.  The interiors of the rocket ship look like something from the old space operas (the astronauts sit in office chairs), but the exteriors are done using cheap looking CGI.  Had the filmmakers used a simple spaceship model, it would’ve felt a lot more authentic.  The crappy CGI asteroid effects look awful too.  No matter how bad practical effects look, they are always preferable to computerized ones, especially for a spoof like this. 

It does have a neat gimmick where it’s black and white during the spaceship scenes but switches over to color once the astronauts arrive on the planet.  I also liked the explanation as to why all the women on the planet had big boobs.  (The atmosphere has a high concentration of silicone.)  Stephanie Beaton (a veteran of many Witchcraft sequels) is also pretty good as the sexy bikini princess. 

The big problem is that the alien babes never slip out of their bikinis.  A little T & A would’ve gone a long way to salvage much of the dumb humor.  It also doesn’t help that the sex scenes are only there for comedic effect.  Naturally, they aren’t very funny (or sexy).  There are also lots of jokes about Beanie Babies and one character is supposed to be a spoof of Monica Lewinsky (played by porn star Jacklyn Lick), which really makes it feel dated.  We do get a couple of alien bikini pool party scenes, although it just looks like the director just shot footage of the wrap party and put it into the movie. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: VOYAGE TO THE PLANET OF TEENAGE CAVEWOMEN (2012) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Two planets fuse together and hurtle across the galaxy on a collision course with Earth.  A team is assembled to go into space to intercept the planets in a rocket ship.  They land on one of the planets and learn it is ruled by… oh just read the title.  The astronauts must then rescue the teenage cavewomen from their evil rivals before Earth’s missiles destroy the planets for good. 

Considering the fact that the budget was pretty much nonexistent, the filmmakers do a good job of spoofing the old B films while still making the movie feel like a modern updating of one.  It has an amusing opening (similar to The Mole People) where a scientist explains how this all could actually happen.  Also, much of the music is lifted from old Sci-Fi flicks (most notably This Island Earth) and it uses a lot of the same stock footage you would see from an old space picture from the ‘50s.  Heck, there’s even some footage taken from films like Phantom Planet in lieu of actual effects.  I also liked how the cavewomen were badly dubbed on purpose.  (Not to mention the fact that all the so-called “teenage” cavewomen looked much older.)

Voyage to the Planet of Teenage Cavewomen is only thirty-five minutes long, which is about the expiration date for a spoof such as this.  It might’ve been better if there was some actual T & A to speak of.  The cavewoman catfights that we do get aren’t bad though. I did like the giant spider monster which was a nice homage to Cat-Women of the Moon.  (The less said about the monster that’s essentially a guy wearing a green tarp, the better.)  And the final nod to Teenagers from Outer Space was well done too. 

All this looks like it was filmed in someone’s basement and/or backyard.  That’s kind of the charm though.  The aluminum foil budget for the interior of the spaceship alone must’ve set the filmmakers back a pretty penny.  I can’t say Voyage to the Planet of Teenage Cavewomen is great or anything, but I challenge anyone to do better using the same limited means. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS (1964) ***

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on December 16th, 2007)

Concerned that Martian children "are no longer children" because they get information plugged through their skull helmet antennae nonstop and sit around watching "meaningless Earth programs"; a group of Martians head down to Earth to kidnap Santa Claus (!) so he can spread cheer and goodwill to all the Martian children. With a little help from a robot, and with two Earth children in tow, the Martians succeed in hijacking Santa (John Call) from his workshop on the North Pole and take him to Mars, where they quickly get him set up with a more efficient automated workshop that he can control with just the push of a button. But there's a faction of Martians that don't want Santa spreading good cheer and they set out to RE-KIDNAP Kris Kringle. Luckily the reigning Martian nincompoop Droppo (Bill McCutcheon), "the laziest man on Mars" happens to be wearing a Santa suit and they think that HE'S Santa, despite the fact that he's got a green face and a skull helmet antennae sticking out from under his cap. Everything get sorted out after the kids pelt the bad guys with toys and the "evil" Martians are reduced to tears. Eventually they realize that Droppo would make a good Martian Santa, and they give Santa and the kids a one way ticket back to Earth.

Fewer movies boggle the mind with such ferocity than this one. Who was this movie made for? Seven-year-olds on LSD? Star Trek nerds that needed a Christmas themed movie in outer space? No, the real audience for this flick is die-hard fans of bad movies. You could never in a million years take this thing seriously, but a lot of eggnog will allow you to laugh your ass off and help you discover the true meaning of Christmas. Most bad movies have certain requirements: crappy special effects, inexplicable performances, glaring continuity mistakes, stunningly campy dialogue, and preferably a star of some middling degree earning a paycheck before they were famous. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is chock full of all of them.

Consider the not-so special effects. If the robot looks like a guy walking around wearing a cardboard box with a crab pot on his head that's because it's a guy walking around wearing a cardboard box with a crab pot on his head. If the polar bear looks like a guy walking around in a polar bear suit with the seams of the mask clearly showing it's because it's a guy walking around in a polar bear suit with the seams of the mask clearly showing. And if the spaceships look like a cheap model rockets it's because... well you get the idea.

And how about the performances? As Droppo, Bill McCutcheon proves to be one of the lamest "comic relief" sidekicks in the history of film. Whether pretending to be zapped by a "tickle ray", swallowing "food pills", or prancing around in a Santa suit, he achieves something incredible. His "comedy" is so UNFUNNY that you have to laugh at it. He's like a blueprint for Chris Kattan. And where do I begin with John Call as Santa? Sure he looks the part (any dime store Santa could've pulled THAT off), but what's with his laughter? He doesn't say "Ho, ho, ho!", rather he has laughs that sounds scary and maniacal; like a cross between a Batman villain and a seriously disturbed individual. What's more is that his laughter inspires others to laugh along with him. You won't be laughing WITH him, but you'll certainly be laughing AT him.

And then there's the theme song (by Milton DeLugg) that just about throws all laws of reading, writing and pronunciation out the window in favor of a cheap yuletide jingle. I quote: "You spell it S-A-N-T-A C-L-A-U-S! Horray for Santy Claus!" Umm, excuse me Mr. DeLugg, but S-A-N-T-A actually spells SANTA. DeLugg also must have been the fellow who typed up the opening credits, as there is a credit for "Costume Designer" that is spelled "Custume Designer".

And then there's the dialogue. Ahh, the dialogue. Some of what comes out of these people's mouths will have you doubting your sanity until the next Christmas. There are the classics "You won't get away with this you... MARTIAN!", "All this trouble for a fat little man in a red suit!", and "Right now is the middle of Septober!", but my favorite dialogue exchange comes after Santa tries his new Martian automated workshop. Someone asks Santa if he's tired and he replies, "No, but my finger is!" That's a mental picture and a half for you.

But the most fun comes from seeing "star" Pia Zadora as one of the Martian children. She looks pretty much out of it most of the time, which is a technique she would later go on to perfect. If you don't count her cameo in Naked Gun 33 1/3, this is by far the best movie she ever starred in. She shoulda quit when she was ahead.

In short: this should be a Christmas tradition in every household.

Lucky kids in the ‘60s could've bought the comic book adaptation (!) or the theme song, which was available as a single.

AKA: Santa Claus Defeats the Aliens.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: YEAR END WRAP-UP

In 2024, I challenged myself to watch and review 366 movies on physical media in 366 days.  (Goddamn Leap Year.)  If you were playing along at home, you would’ve known I fell short of my goal.  I got pretty close though as I was able to watch 364 movies and review 362 of them.  As Maxwell Smart would say, “Missed it by THAT much!”  I plan to finish the final couple of reviews by the end of the week, just to see the challenge through.  

On a side note, I don’t think I will attempt to do another daily movie watching challenge this year.  After Tubi Continued… and this, it’s a bit exhausting, especially when my work/family life begins ramping up.  However, I still plan on watching as many weird and wild movies as humanly possible in 2025.  I just will refrain from using a yearly theme and posting on a daily schedule.  So, here’s to another year at the movies!  Happy New Year!

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: WAVE OF TERROR (1988) ** ½

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

Wave of Terror is a two-part anthology horror flick from W.A.V.E. Productions.  The first story is “Road Kill” (***).  Clancey McCauley catches her boyfriend talking to another woman.  Later, in a fit of jealous rage, she runs him down with her car.  After the funeral, she begins to see his spirit pointing accusingly at her.  It’s only a matter of time before his spirit makes her pay for her misdeeds. 

This one is pretty simple in both premise and execution.  It has a cool E.C. Comics vibe to it (the graveyard finale is very well done given the means at the production's disposal) and benefits from the stripped-down approach.  It also shows that W.A.V.E. Productions founder Gary Whitson is probably a better director than many give him credit for as he delivers a solid story on a limited budget.  McCauley gives a good performance too as the jilted lover turned murderer and is particularly effective once the Carnival of Souls-inspired shocks come into play. 

The second story, Hadley’s Hellhole! (**) is less impressive.  It’s about a reporter (McCauley once again) and an archeologist (Whitson) who take a tour of a supposedly haunted mineshaft.  Almost immediately, they lose their guide.  As they go deeper into the mine, they encounter ghosts and demons lurking within the tunnels. 

This one is honestly a big comedown from the first tale.  Whereas Road Kill had a simple, clearcut story with a beginning, middle, and end, this one just sort of throws a bunch of stuff at the wall to see what sticks.  Frankly, nothing ever really does.  The technical limitations are more obvious this time around.  Not only are the sets kind of crummy, but there are also a bunch of flubbed lines (mostly courtesy of Whitson himself).  The monster is basically just a guy in a dime store Halloween mask, but the severed head in a birthday present gag is OK.  I did admire the way Whitson was able to work a wet T-shirt scene (a W.A.V.E. staple) into such a claustrophobic setting.  It’s just that overall, this story is just sort of ho-hum. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: MAIL ORDER MURDER: THE STORY OF W.A.V.E. PRODUCTIONS (2020) ***

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on March 3rd, 2023)

Mail Order Murder:  The Story of W.A.V.E. Productions is a fun and breezy documentary about the New Jersey-based video company that specializes in low (or sometimes, no) budget shot-on-video horror movies.  After making a splash in the early days of the SOV boom, director and owner Gary Whitson supplemented their catalogue by offering custom made horror movies where fans could write in and see their various horror fetishes played out before their very eyes.  Even though paying customers had input (sometimes more, sometimes less) on the productions, Whitson’s no-budget ingenuity ensured that every film he produced had a distinct touch that only a W.A.V.E. movie could offer.

Directors William Hellfire (who himself is a bit of a maverick in the SOV horror market) and Ross Snyder begin the film with a brief overview of the SOV horror phenomenon of the ‘80s and ‘90s (which itself would make for a fascinating documentary), before focusing on the eccentric, one-of-a-kind W.A.V.E. Productions.  The clips are sometimes jaw-dropping in just how bad (but admittedly entertaining) they are.  Most look about as close to a snuff movie as you could get without actually killing anybody.  

Whitson is interviewed and seems like an “Aw, shucks” kind of guy.  He certainly doesn’t seem like the type that would make movies about strangling, bondage, torture, asphyxiation, death by quicksand, and murder.  Frequent W.A.V.E. actresses, who have quite a following in their own right, such as Tina Krause, Deana Demko, and Pamela Sutch are also interviewed.  They all seem quite pleased with their small place in the footnote of cinema history.  We also hear from fans and fellow filmmakers, who seem perplexed, but in awe of the W.A.V.E. aesthetic (or lack thereof). 

Mail Order Murder serves as a good primer for fans.  It’s a fine history lesson on the birth and growth of the company and it’s totally worthwhile just for the interviews with all the W.A.V.E. starlets.  I just wish it delved a little deeper into what makes Gary tick instead of just propping him up as an unsung hero of underground DIY cinema.  I mean, he totally is.  It’s just that for a documentary on movies so dirty, I was hoping for more dirt (or quicksand).

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE WAR OF THE WORLDS (1953) *** ½

FORMAT:  4K UHD

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on September 15th, 2011)

Aliens come down to Earth hidden in meteors. When they make their first appearance, some bozos run out and wave a white flag because “everyone knows the white flag means peace!” Well, apparently the aliens didn’t get the memo because they vaporize those idiots with their Martian Death Ray. Later, a preacherman gets up in the aliens' business trying to spread the word of God to them. You can probably guess what happens to this guy. Anyway, the aliens overrun the town and Dr. Clayton Forrester (Gene Barry) and some hot hysterical ‘50s babe try to survive the onslaught. Just about when you think the aliens have kicked our asses, they catch a cold and die. Wimps.

The War of the Worlds is pretty fucking cool on all accounts. First and foremost, the special effects are badass. The spaceships look like they came straight out of a Galaga game, and the aliens themselves are great. They sorta look like the bastard offspring of E.T. and a Simon game. The carnage these guys create is impressive too. They blow shit up, turn humans into ash, and set guys on fire. And the sound FX used for the Martian Death Ray is one of the coolest ever captured on film. Another thing I dug about the movie is that it actually shows civilization starting to crumble. There’s rioting and looting in the street, which is something you didn’t see much of in ‘50s Sci-Fi flicks.

The only problem I had with the flick really is the slow talky patches in between the Martian attack scenes. In that respect, the film is kinda paced like a porno movie. Talk, good stuff, talk, good stuff, etc. The ending’s kinda lame, but then again, the ending of book was lame too; so what you gonna do? Say what you will about the movie, it’s a fuck of a lot better than that Spielberg remake.

QUICK THOUGHTS:

This is one of the better ‘50s Sci-Fi movies.  If it wasn’t for the overly religious ending, it would have been ever better.  Still, Gene Barry is the definitive ‘50s Sci-Fi movie scientist.  He’s levelheaded in the face of danger.  He’s smart without being too much of an egghead about things.  He’s got high level security clearance, but he still feels like an Everyman.  Barry is terrific and helps carry the movie whenever the aliens aren’t on screen. 

4K UHD NOTES:

At first, I thought the transfer was just sort of fair-to-average in the early scenes.  Once the Martians show up, the transfer (like the movie itself) really takes off.  The red and green lights emanating from the Martian ships looks awesome in 4K, as does the death ray effects.  The alien effects have never looked better too, which makes this a highly recommended upgrade for fans of the film. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE HUMAN TORNADO (1976) *** ½

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on November 5th, 2011)

This sequel to Dolemite opens with the title character (once again played by the one and only Rudy Ray Moore) banging the wife of a white sheriff. When the racist sheriff and his deputy bust the door down, she screams, “He made me do it!” To which Dolemite yells, “Bitch are you for real?” The sheriff then orders the deputy to kill his wife and Dolemite. After blasting her with a shotgun, the deputy sets his sights on Dolemite, but he is able to escape by jumping down a hill. Then Moore’s voice comes on the soundtrack and he assures the audience he actually did the jump himself (“Y’all don’t believe I jumped… well watch this good shit!”) and the words “Instant Replay” flashes on the screen and the jump is rewound and replayed.

This scene typifies what I love about Rudy Ray Moore’s movies. They’re full of unpredictable cinematic zaniness. Not many Blaxploitation films of the ‘70s feature this kind of fourth wall breaking. Not only that, but it also goes to show that Rudy Ray Moore was doing his own stunts long before Jackie Chan made it chic.

Even the title clues you in on just how far outside the box Moore was thinking. He could’ve very well just called the movie Dolemite Returns or Dolemite 2. But no, he went The Dark Knight route instead.

The title by the way is literal. You see, there’s a scene in this movie where Dolemite seduces the bad guy’s wife and fucks her so hard that the house falls down around him. If you can’t already tell, this movie is something special.

The Human Tornado is more cartoonish and straight-up crazy than Dolemite was, but it’s not quite as mind-blowingly awesome as the original. I think the movie’s main flaw is that it’s heavily padded with way too many musical performances and scenes of Dolemite doing his nightclub act. All of this shit slows the beginning of the movie down and it takes a while to regain its footing.

Despite that, The Human Tornado offers a generous helping of awesomeness. It’s got a bunch of fast-motion Kung Fu fights, a terrific theme song, and plenty of WTF imagery. (There’s a bizarre fantasy sequence where a white woman imagines three black bodybuilders coming out of a toy box.) And of course, it has Moore kicking ass and saying funny rhymes. My favorite: “He caught me with his wife now he wants to take my life! He thinks he’s bad! He’s got no class! I’ll rock this shotgun up his muthafuckin’ ass!”

Before They Were Famous Alert: Look for a pre-Ghostbuster Ernie Hudson as part of Dolemite’s entourage. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SUPER MARIO BROS. (1993) **

FORMAT:  DVD

Super Mario Bros. is one of the most perplexing video game adaptations ever made.  It would be easy to categorize it as one of the worst if only the genre wasn’t littered with so many lousy movies.  (Many of which were directed by Uwe Boll.)  In fact, the biggest problem is that it strays so far away from the source material that it never really feels like a Super Mario Bros. movie.  Taken on its own merits, it’s still a sloppy, weird, and occasionally amusing Sci-Fi flick.  It’s just that it is bound to disappoint anyone expecting a halfway faithful adaptation of the beloved Nintendo video game. 

Mario (Bob Hoskins) and Luigi (John Leguizamo) are two plumbers who try to save a princess (Samantha Mathis) who is kidnapped and taken to a subterranean parallel universe lorded over by King Koopa (Dennis Hopper).  He’s trying to merge the two worlds into one kingdom with him ruling over everyone.  Oh, and he wants to turn everybody in our world into monkeys too.  It’s then up to the two plumbing brothers to stop him. 

The casting is pretty good.  Hoskins is spot-on as Mario and Leguizamo has an infectious playfulness about him as Luigi.  Hopper looks like he’s having fun chewing scenery as the baddie and while Richard Edson and Fisher Stevens don’t elicit laughs per se, they have chemistry together as his bumbling goons.  Lance Henriksen also has a random blink-and-you-miss-it cameo at the end.  The oddest bit of casting is Mojo Nixon as Toad.  No matter how bad it gets, I can’t completely hate any movie that has Mojo Nixon in it. 

Although the production design looks expensive, it also manages to be ugly and inconsistent.  The “Dinohattan” stuff is decent as it looks like a low rent Demolition Man sort of thing.  Some of the action is OK (like when Mario’s car winds up on top of another car during a chase scene) and the effects (especially Yoshi) are pretty good too.  It’s just… you know… it never feels like a Super Mario Bros movie.  Honestly, it probably played better when it was originally released.  Now that we have the animated Super Mario Bros. Movie, a near-perfect translation of the game, this just kind of feels pointless now.  That said, it’s better than its reputation may have led you to believe, but it never really works either. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: BAD TIMING (1980) **

FORMAT:  DVD

Nicolas Roeg directed this odd and bewildering melodrama.  Art Garfunkel stars as an uptight professor who is banging the free-spirited Theresa Russell.  When she overdoses, he takes her to the hospital where he is questioned by cop Harvey Keitel.  Through flashbacks we learn she was married (to Denholm Elliott) and that she and Garfunkel had some serious ups and downs in their relationship. 

Roeg’s artsy-fartsy style works for movies like Performance and Don’t Look Now, but it’s a little cumbersome for a film that’s essentially a relationship drama.  Cutting back and forth between the present and the past seemingly at random is one thing when you’re filming a police interrogation scene.  It’s another thing entirely to intercut scenes of a couple having sex with graphic footage of a tracheotomy. 

The sad thing is Russell (who later went on to marry Roeg) is excellent.  It’s just that the flimsy script leaves her at sea.  You know in movies about the making of a movie, how the dialogue often sounds melodramatic and contrived in the film-within-a-film scene?  That’s how most of the dialogue in Bad Timing sounds.  Like something out of a movie within a movie. 

While Russell is fantastic (and has a couple of nude scenes), Garfunkel is anything but.  The movie might’ve survived had Russell been paired alongside a talent that was her match every step of the way, but the casting of Garfunkel is befuddling at best and a bit painful at worst.  I mean, there were so many other qualified actors you could’ve brought in who could’ve done a better job than Garfunkel.  Heck, there’s a bunch of better musicians who could’ve given a better performance.  For Christ’s sake, Paul Simon would’ve been a better choice than Art Garfunkel.  And the less said about his nude scenes, the better.  Keitel gets by from being Harvey Keitel, but his Sherlock Holmes schtick late in the game becomes tiresome. 

AKA:  Bad Timing:  A Sensual Obsession.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: ABDUCTION (2011) **

FORMAT:  DVD

Before Twilight co-star Taylor Lautner fell off the face of the Earth, he tried his hand as an action hero.  Abduction was his first attempt.  It was directed by… (checks notes) Boyz N the Hood’s John Singleton!?!  A quick look at IMDb tells me that this was to be the late director’s final movie.  Which only goes to show that you probably shouldn’t direct a Taylor Lautner action movie is there’s always a chance it will be your final directing credit. 

Lautner stars as a high school student who stumbles upon a picture of himself on a website for missing children.  He calls the missing kids hotline, which turns out to be a trap because the bad guys come after him and the people he thought were his parents die protecting him.  Taylor and his girlfriend (Lily Collins) go on the run.  Before long, the bad guys, the CIA, and the guys from the CIA who are also bad guys come after him. 

Basically, all this plays like a Young Adult version of The Bourne Identity.  Despite a decent hook, it quickly devolves into your typical man on the run (or in this case, teen on the run) cliches.  The title also makes no sense because Taylor’s character was never abducted to begin with. 

For a movie so generic and forgettable, it has a shockingly good supporting cast.  We have Jason Isaacs, Maria Bello, Sigourney Weaver, and Alfred Molina in the cast.  (They all must’ve been Team Jacob.)  They came to play too, which is nice, as their efforts make the film, at the very least, watchable.

I guess Singleton was trying his hand at a mid-budget studio action flick.  Even the rather lame 2 Fast 2 Furious had a sense of energy and silliness to it.  While competent and slick (the direction that is, the script is another matter entirely), it’s never quite engaging.   With a passable action star in the lead and a script that wasn’t so generic, this might’ve worked.  With Lautner front and center, Abduction just seems like something your grandmother would watch on Ion TV in the middle of the afternoon. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: AMERICAN NIGHTMARE (2002) ***

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on October 2nd, 2013)

Debbie Rochon is a psycho nurse who hacks up a bunch of teens in the woods. One year later, a pirate radio DJ does a show commemorating the slaying. The theme of the show is fear, and the DJ gets his listeners to call in and tell him their biggest fear. A group of friends in a trendy coffee shop call in and confess their fears, unaware that Rochon is listening in. When the friends go their separate ways, Rochon begins stalking them and picks them off one by one by turning their worst fears against them.

I first saw John Keeyes’ American Nightmare when it first hit video and thought it was pretty solid. Watching it now, it feels a bit dated (if it was made today, it would probably revolve around a podcast instead of a pirate radio station), although people still spend a lot of time sitting around trendy coffee shops on their laptops nowadays. But other than that, I like it quite a bit. Considering the crap that has been made since, it’s an easy call to say that American Nightmare is one of the best independent horror movies of the ‘00s.

Sometimes, American Nightmare feels like a horror version of Friends. The main characters sit around a coffee shop and crack jokes and make pop culture references. Once the action shifts to Rochon bumping people off, the flick really starts to cook.

And Debbie Rochon, it must be said, is quite amazing in this movie. In a career of great performances, this one is her finest. It’s a wonderful showcase for her many talents. She’s sexy, scary, tough, and menacing; sometimes all at the same time. The scene where she masturbates with a knife is really creepy and she has a great topless scene where she ties a guy up and guts him.

American Nightmare is at its best when Rochon is stalking and killing people. The ending however goes on a bit too long and the final twist doesn’t exactly work, but there is plenty to enjoy about this chiller. Plus, you get a cool cameo by Brinke Stevens (in her Evila costume, no less) too.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE HITCHHIKERS (1972) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

The Hitchhikers may not be as well-known as similar fare of the era, but it is a ripe slice of ‘70s drive-in cinema.  Written and directed by the husband-and-wife team of Beverly and Ferd Sebastian (who also made Gator Bait, a certified drive-in classic if there ever was one) it tells the story of Maggie (Misty Rowe) who learns she’s pregnant and hits the road to go to L.A.  She meets a bunch of oddballs along the way, most who either want to rob or screw her.  Maggie eventually winds up at the ranch commune lorded over by a man named Benson (Nick Klar) who lives with a bunch of grungy chicks he calls his “family”. 

Any similarities between Benson and Manson are purely intentional. 

It seems Benson has quite the criminal enterprise going.  He gets his “girls” to pose as sexy hitchhikers, and when a poor schmo pulls to the side of the road to help them, Benson and the gang spring on them and rob them like the highwaymen of old.  Unsurprisingly, he takes a shine to Maggie, and before long, he’s showing her the ropes of how to be a sexy hitchhiking thief. 

With apologies to Barbie Benton, I think Misty Rowe was the hottest of the Hee-Haw Honeys.  Her platinum blonde look and sexy demeanor makes her an ideal Drive-In Queen.  For whatever reason, other than a handful of Larry Buchanan movies, her career never really lived up to her early potential as this was a rather auspicious film debut. 

The Hitchhikers has some big swings in tone.  It goes from a carefree vibe to a buzz-killing rape scene.  There’s a depressing makeshift abortion that’s followed by an orgy.  Some will be turned off by that rollercoaster effect, but I found the “anything goes” tone to be indicative of its drive-in sensibilities.  I also dug the Folk Rock soundtrack that acts as a Greek Chorus over Maggie’s various trials and tribulations. 

The only real flaw is the lack of a concrete ending.  You would think that having a heroine shacking up with a Manson stand-in would lead to some sort of violent confrontation in the end.  However, (slight spoiler) the open-ended wrap-up means Maggie gets her happy ending, but at the same time, the audience really deserved some sort of satisfying conclusion.  Instead, the film basically peters out at the end.  On the plus side, it has healthy doses of T & A, courtesy of cat fights, skinny-dipping, and sex scenes.  Plus, Misty is terrific, so if for that and nothing else, The Hitchhikers is worth picking up. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SHOT ON LOCATION (1972) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on December 12th, 2024)

Rick Lutze is a sleazy movie producer who wants to double cross a rival in order to make his dream project.  His plan is to get an underage wannabe porn starlet (Sandy Dempsey) to seduce the competition so he can blackmail him.  Lutze then promises the young ingenue a part in their latest picture (a porno western).  Problems arise when the director accidentally casts the wrong actress in the lead role.  Things eventually work themselves out when everyone involved decides to have a big orgy. 

Some sources list Shot on Location as being directed by Ed Wood.  That kind of makes sense because there is a reference to Criswell.  However, the consensus seems to be it was directed by Donn (Alice in Acidland) Greer.  Either way, it’s a fun slice of old-time smut.  

The cast is particularly charming.  Rene Bond takes the acting honors as the production’s sexy secretary/script girl.  She looks terrific as always and delivers a top-notch BJ scene.  Dempsey really gets into her sex scene on the casting couch and is a lot of fun to watch throughout.  The big orgy sequence has a lot of energy too. 

I do wish they had taken advantage of the western outdoor setting though.  I mean you’ve got everyone in their Native American garb, you might as well put them to good use.  Oh well, at least the final pun works surprisingly well as it really ends the movie with a bang in more ways than one. 

The music is also good for an unintentional laugh or two.  One scene uses music from (what sounds like) the Barbarella soundtrack and others are accompanied by Muzak versions of “It’s Impossible” and “Those Were the Days”.  The dialogue is great as well and features some real humdingers, like when Lutze sees a starlet naked and says, “What I wouldn’t give to be a goose pimple!”  My favorite line though was “If you can’t join ‘em, lick ‘em!”

Greer later went on to direct the immortal Rare Blue Apes of Cannibal Isle. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: NYMPHO-CYCLER (1971) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

Ed Wood wrote directed and stars in this cheap but kinda fun porno.  He plays a photographer named Ed who marries his favorite figure model, Misty (Casey Larrain).  He also sets her up on dates with his friends as sort of a side business.  Misty eventually gets fed up being his whore, so she hops on her motorcycle and takes off.  When her bike breaks down, some sexy gals in a convertible give her a lift and immediately start pawing her.  They take Misty back to their pad and smoke pot before engaging in a lesbian threesome.  Later, she gets picked up by a biker who bangs her in a field.  Then, his biker gang invites her to a bonfire orgy.  Sadly for Misty, it all ends in tragedy. 

After sitting through Wood’s dreary The Young Marrieds, I was kind of dreading this.  Fortunately, Nympho-Cycler was surprisingly enjoyable.  The sex scenes are decent too, considering some of Wood’s other ventures into adult cinema.  That’s mostly because Larrain has a winning screen presence and seems to be having fun in her scenes.  Some of the dialogue is funny too, like “I’m in show business.  And I’m about to show my business!”, which helps add to the fun.  The musical selections, which include instrumental versions of Donovan’s “Sunshine Superman” and Santana’s “Black Magic Woman” are amusing as well. 

It’s also fun seeing Wood in front of the camera for a change.  He gets to romp around with Larrain in a hot tub and barks orders at her while taking pictures of her.  He disappears after the first act, but his performance (or appearance at least) helps make the film memorable. 

The only debit is the bizarre, abrupt, and downbeat ending.  The version I saw was only thirty-seven minutes long, but apparently there are more complete versions that run about fifteen minutes longer.  I don’t know if those versions flesh things out more or not.  The extremely rushed ending aside, for the most part, Nympho-Cycler makes for a breezy and enjoyable ride. 

AKA:  Nympho Cycler.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE YOUNG MARRIEDS (1972) *

FORMAT:  DVD

Right from the incomprehensible opening scene you can tell this is an Ed Wood porno.  Shots of waves crashing on the shore while a narrator drones on about men and women’s relationships through the centuries are intercut with footage of two disembodied voices ogling strippers.  Sadly, this is just about the only real Wood-ian flourish the film has to offer. 

Ben (Dick Burns) picks up a girl in his dune buggy and takes her out in the country to ball.  He’s married to the frigid Ginny (Alice Friedland) who is mad that he spends all his time in nudie bars.  (She doesn’t know about his dune buggy trysts.)  To spice up their marriage, Ben buys a camera and decides to take risqué photos of his wife.  He soon creates a monster as she becomes more demanding in bed.  Eventually, the couple go to an orgy arranged by Ben’s co-worker. 

Wood’s handling of the sex scenes is crude at best and downright unsexy at worst.  Of all the scenes, I’d say the final orgy scene is the best.  However, the camerawork and staging of the performers leaves something to be desired.  The crummy, intrusive narration doesn’t help matters either. 

Wood’s best work came from his ability to wear his heart on his sleeve.  From the corny but sincere Sci-Fi elements in Plan 9 to the earnest transvestite themes in Glen or Glenda, Wood’s transparent enthusiasm gave them their charm.  With The Young Marrieds, it’s clear that Wood’s heart just isn’t in it.  It’s obvious here he’s just trying to get a sex flick in the can and call it a day.  Other than the perplexing opening, there’s very few touches here that fans of Wood have come to appreciate.  It’s also surprising to hear the characters saying a lot of decidedly un-PC dialogue about members of the gay community, which is disappointing considering how Wood handled the subject of transvestites with such sensitivity in Glen or Glenda. 

This was considered a lost film for a long time until it was rediscovered.  Sad to say, it was probably better off lost.  This proved to be Wood’s final feature as a director, and it’s kind of a sad end to a truly one-of-a-kind career.  Had he only lived another year or so, he would’ve received recognition for his work in his lifetime. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE UNHOLY CHILD (1975) * ½

FORMAT:  DVD

A sailor named Gabe returns home to see his sister.  Whenever he asks anyone about his girlfriend, they immediately clam up.  He soon learns she married another man while he was out to sea and to make matters worse, someone seems to have it in for him.  After the mysterious figure blows up his car, Gabe searches for answers. 

The central mystery of The Unholy Child isn’t very involving.  Not that the film needed a great mystery to hold all the sex scenes together.  It’s just that you need… well… SOMETHING here to keep your interest.  Since the sex scenes are not hot and seemingly go on forever (as does the nude dance scene) and the plot stinks, there’s nothing here to captivate the viewer.  Also, the music drops in and out during the sex scenes and the dubbing is poor too.  You know it’s bad when the characters walk by a strip club advertising “Exotic Lady Wrestlers” and you root for them to go inside as the promise of exotic lady wrestlers is infinitely more interesting than anything else on screen. 

Yes, The Unholy Child is pretty much a mess from start to finish.  The most amusing aspects about it are just how inept it is.  The shot of Gabe’s car blowing up is hilarious as it’s just a model car being blown up by a firecracker.  This is the film’s sole highlight, but it’s worth the extra Half-Star.  Trust me. 

It’s also painfully obvious that the “man” following our hero is really a woman in drag.  In fact, the reveal of the killer may be the most infuriating thing about the movie as we already know who the killer is, but the film ends so abruptly that we never find out WHY they were after our hero.  Plus, we never learn what the Hell the title means.  Argh. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: DAUGHTERS OF DARKNESS (1975) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

A young writer rents a room in a boardinghouse from the sexy Zenobia (Helen Madigan).  His first night there, he hears all kinds of strange goings on.  He eventually learns that all the ladies of the house are Satanists.  (Gee, do you think the giant pentagram on the wall gave it away?)  When he tries to leave, they knock him out and force him to participate in a big Satanist orgy. 

Not to be confused with the erotic lesbian vampire classic of the same name, this is a surprisingly solid Satanic sex flick.  The highlight is the fucking awesome scene where Zenobia plays with her pussy… literally!  She has her pet cat on top of her and while she’s petting it, the frisky feline turns into a horny blonde!  Then they fuck!  I guess it’s true what they say… You are what you eat!   What made this scene great for me was the fact that the cat in the movie looked exactly like my cat!  I can only hope it’s just a matter of time before little Mooney turns into a sexy blonde bombshell for me.  Fans of gratuitous close-ups of gaping glistening genitalia will also be in Heaven during this scene. 

In another memorable sequence, Zenobia appears with a wild looking devil tattoo below her naval that lines up so that her vagina is the devil’s mouth.  When our hero bangs her, she yells, “Fuck the devil’s skull!”  Madigan is hot in all of her scenes and kinda reminded me of Lauren Graham a little bit.  The legendary Joey Silvera is also on hand in a supporting role as one of the Satanists. 

Admittedly, most of this is pretty shoddy.  There are visible boom mikes and crew member shadows.  And wait till you see the cheesy negative scratches effect when the Satanists hypnotize our hero.  

However, the Satanist orgy scene features some simple but effective set design.  The camera peers through a rope-woven spider web as the Satanists bang each other while a fog machine blows smoke into the proceedings.  It’s not much, but it works. 

The sex scenes are the main draw, naturally.  Fortunately, there’s a little something for everybody.  We have lesbians, interracial (there’s a guy who looks like Chuck Berry wearing a swami hat who bangs a white girl in a field), anal (on the bathroom floor), orgies, and rim jobs.  You can’t ask for much more out of a Satanic ‘70s porno. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: MANIA (1971) *** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Suzanne (Penny King) is the latest addition to the home for wayward girls run by the “harsh disciplinarian” Ms. Wellington (Orita de Chadwick from Scorpion).  As soon as she arrives, a killer wearing black gloves begins picking off the girls one by one.  Could it be the creepy gardener?  Or perhaps it’s Ms. Wellington’s oddball son?

Mania is more concerned with the fucking than it is with the reveal of the killer.  Since the fucking is uniformly steamy from top to bottom, I’d say that’s a fair trade.  The first sex scene is an interracial coupling.  And by that, I mean it’s a lesbian scene featuring black and Asian actresses.  You don’t see that kind of combo very often in porn, even now.  So, for the film to start off with such a niche coupling already kind of bumps it up a notch in my book.  As a bonus, there are more “traditional” interracial pairings later in the film.  In fact, one lucky actor gets to bang a white, black, AND Asian gal throughout the movie.  I believe that’s called “hitting for the cycle”.

We also get a pretty hot incest scene involving Ms. Wellington and her son.  So, if you are into the big “I n’ I” (interracial and incest), you can probably add an extra Half Star to the movie’s rating.   There’s even a great scene where we witness Ms. Wellington’s disciplinarian skills firsthand when she spanks (and then seduces) a naughty schoolgirl.  Man, this one has something for everybody! 

That’s not even including the music (which features a non-sanctioned cover of The Eagles’ “Witchy Woman” and a Muzak version of “California Dreaming”) or the murder scenes, which are not bad, even if they are kind of brief.  The twist ending is kind of… uh… twisted too.  I just wish they showed the big reveal instead of having the characters only talk about it.  Oh well, that’s a relatively minor complaint to make about a minor classic of XXX horror. 

AKA:  School for Dead Girls.