Y2K (2024) **

It’s always odd to me (READ:  It makes me feel old) when people get nostalgic for shit I have absolutely no nostalgia for.  Case in point:  Y2K.  The first scene has the main character using dial-up internet to chat on AOL Instant Messenger.  I can honestly say I have no fondness for that shit, but you can tell the filmmakers are all rose-tinted glasses about it.  Then again, the film takes place a quarter of a century ago, which for the key demographic will be most (or all) of their lifespans.  So, what do I know?

The film follows a nerdy teen (Jaeden Martell from It) going to a New Year’s Eve party in 1999.  You remember that day?  When everyone thought all the computers were going to crash?  Anyway, it turns out Y2K is real and at the stroke of midnight, all machines go haywire and start killing everyone.  Everything from a Power Wheels car to a VCR to a blender becomes deadly.  Eventually, the teenage survivors band together to stop the machines once and for all. 

Basically, it’s kind of like a teen stoner comedy version of Maximum Overdrive. 

Oh, and the girl our main character is obsessed with is that Rachel Zegler chick.  You know, the one who tanked the Disney live-action remake genre for good?  So, you can probably tell it’s not going to work out for him in the long run. 

Y2K marks the directorial debut for SNL vet Kyle Mooney, who also plays a stoner video clerk.  Mooney used to make filmed segments for the show, and this film kind of feels like a feature length version of one of his sketches.  (The gratuitous celebrity cameo in the third act certainly feels like something you’d see an SNL musical guest do.)  While it might’ve made for a good Grindhouse style trailer, it fumbles at feature length.  The kills are admittedly amusing, but most everything else that holds it together is wafer thin.  (The humanoid computer people look like something from that Five Nights at Freddy’s bullshit.)

It was produced by A24, but it honestly feels like anyone could’ve made it really.  It doesn’t help that the movie features some of the worst music from the era played almost non-stop.  I guess you could argue some choices were for ironic effect.  I don’t know.  A lot of it seemed pretty sincere to me.  

Then again, I am not nostalgic for the era, so your mileage may vary. Let me put it to you this way:  Martell’s character makes a mix CD.  I made mixtapes back in my day.  We are two entirely different animals from two different eras.  I didn’t really mean to make this review a debate on whether my nostalgia is better than yours.  It’s just that, without the crutch of late ‘90s nostalgia, Y2K falls flat on its face.

THE BIKINI OPEN (1990) **

Bikini contests are an American tradition.  They’re as American as baseball or apple pie.  Although The Bikini Open showcases lots of footage of bikini clad babes from around the country, the presentation itself leaves something to be desired. 

The first competition is the Hawaiian Tropic contest in Daytona Beach, Florida.  It almost seems like paid programming for the company as they Interview with the owner who rubs elbows with the contestants.  But what a product!  Next up is Westhampton, New York.  In the interest of equality, we are forced to sit through a men’s competition before getting to the girls (which unfortunately is a running theme throughout the movie).  Then, it’s back to Florida, this time in Clearwater.  Unfortunately, it seems like it spends more time interviewing the judges than the contestants.  Fort Lauderdale is next.  This segment is ruined by footage of fat dudes participating in a belly flop contest before the bikini girls come out.  

Then, it’s off to my neck of the woods:  Ocean City, Maryland!  This segment is plagued by a men’s competition and even a kids’ contest (!?!?), but at least there are multiple ladies’ competitions.  It was cool for me to see some local celebrities like DJ Batman and The Hitman as emcees, and the bikini fitting at Body Double Swimwear is neat (even if it goes on too long).  For me, it was like a walk down memory lane.  Others may not be as impressed.

Then, it’s off to Rhode Island where we unfortunately have to sit through more male contests (accompanied by lane comic sound effects) before heading to Anaheim, California.  I liked the Anaheim contest because there’s a stripping component involved.  (One memorable contestant does a striptease out of a wedding dress.)  It’s also cool seeing Andy Sidaris star and Playboy Playmate Hope Marie Carlton win the contest too. 

Speaking of winners, they all have a brief interview segment accompanied by shots of them walking on the beach in their (what else?) bikini.  These moments are among the best in the movie as the editing is relatively chill compared to the other scenes.  These interviews are occasionally enlightening.  (“Sometimes, I wish they knew I had a brain!”)  The interviews with the spectators are decidedly less so.  (More than one says, “I feel sorry for the judges!”) 

It’s hard to screw up hot girls in bikinis, but The Bikini Open certainly tries its darnedest.  The problem is that the contests themselves are overedited and you barely have time to enjoy watching the ladies walking the runway.  It’s one thing to have the montages of the girls and tourists horsing around on the beach cut to ribbons.  It’s another when the contests themselves are edited into oblivion.  Some scenes rush by so fast that I sometimes thought I was watching it in 1.5x speed. 

It’s also a bit of a cheat that they say there are ten contests, but they count two of the men’s competitions.  I mean they don’t even list the winners in the men’s categories as the finalists, so what was the point?  Still, it was nice that the winner from Ocean City contest, Karen Croney, took the top prize.  (Spoiler Alert for a thirty-five-year-old Pay Per View special.)  

WINCHESTER (2018) ***

The grief-stricken heir to the Winchester fortune (Helen Mirren) builds a sprawling mansion that is in a state of perpetual expansion.  It is full of many rooms and nearly all of them have no rhyme or reason.  The board of directors is worried she’s unfit to run the company, so they send a drug-addled doctor (Jason Clarke) to gauge her mental stability.  It seems she believes the house is haunted by the victims of her family’s rifles and she is making rooms in the house especially for them.  The ectoplasm hits the fan when a spirit possesses her grandchild.  The good doctor is then forced to come to grips with the supernatural. 

Haunted house movies are a tricky thing to pull off.  You can’t make the haunting too sublime or it won’t be scary, and if you really bring on the scares, you have to find a good reason to make everyone stay inside the house.  The Spierig (Daybreakers) Brothers seemed to have cracked the code as they waste no time doling out jump scares (including one by a roller skate, which may be a cinematic first) and freaky ghost shenanigans.  It helps that the film is based in fact (you can tell they’re riding on the coattails of the Conjuring franchise here) as the real Winchester house has been a tourist attraction for nearly a century. 

Another way you can work around the usual haunted house cliches is to set it in a house that has some personality.  The Winchester house has that in spades.  With its unpredictable architecture, you’re never quite sure what lies around the next corridor, which adds to the fun. 

The performances help enormously.  Mirren is pitch perfect as the matriarch who tries to keep the spirits at bay.  Clarke does fine work too as the skeptical doctor.  It was also fun seeing The Road Warrior's Bruce Spence as the wide-eyed butler. 

Sure, I’m more of a blood and guts kind of guy, but even I can admit when a PG-13 horror flick gets the job done.  It’s got plenty of atmosphere and jump scares, so it’s never boring.  All in all, Winchester is an entertaining Spook-A-Blast. 

AKA:  Winchester Mystery House.  AKA:  Winchester:  House of Ghosts.  AKA:  Winchester:  The House That Ghosts Built.  

THE SAVAGE FIVE (1974) ** ½

This Shaw Brothers Kung Fu flick from director Chang (Ten Tigers of Kwangtung) Cheh is reminiscent in some ways of The Magnificent Seven (right down to the title).  The big difference here is that instead of being hired guns, the five freedom fighters take it upon themselves to defend a village from a merciless gang of ruffians against impossible odds.  Because of that, there’s a bit of a High Noon flavor in there too. 

While the pacing is uneven, the film remains a solid vehicle for David Chiang, who is quite funny as the smooth-talking chicken thief (more movies need those if you ask me) who brings the team together.  Rounding up the titular titans is the town badass (Ti Lung) who finally says enough is enough, an injured acrobat (Wang Chung), a surly woodcutter (Chen Kuan Tai), and a young safecracker (The Killer’s Danny Lee).  It’s just a shame that it takes so long to come together. 

Which leads me to the biggest issue I had with the flick:  Even though the movie is called The Savage Five, the five stars never appear together on screen at the same time.  In fact, one dies early on and another leave town for a good chunk of the running time.  I guess The Savage Three (and Sometimes Four) just didn’t have the same ring to it.  It doesn’t completely derail the film, but it would’ve been nice had our heroes put up a united front. 

The Savage Five also suffers from a lack of action.  Then again, it wasn’t only till after the movie was over that I realized that it didn’t really have a whole lot of action.  I guess that’s kind of a moot point when the cast is stacked with great performances and colorful characters.  The action we do get is solid for the most part.  For die hard Shaw Brothers fans, that will be plenty.  It just wasn’t quite enough for me to put this one into the win column.  

AKA:  Five Tiger Generals.  

DESERT COMMANDOS (1967) **

Ken (Attack of the Giant Leeches) Clark stars as a Nazi soldier who is given a top-secret mission with a slim chance of success.  He and his team will drop into the African desert disguised as British soldiers.  Then, they will move onto Casablanca where they will crash a meeting between Winston Churchill, Franklin Roosevelt, and Joseph Stalin and assassinate them.  Little does Clark and his men know they’re walking right into a trap. 

During the ’60s, Italy churned out many memorable Spaghetti Westerns and horror films.  Watching Desert Commandos, it’s easy to see why the nation’s war pictures aren’t remembered as fondly.  Written and directed by Italian exploitation maverick Umberto (Nightmare City) Lenzi, the film is workmanlike at best and dull at worst.  The big issue of course, is that the “heroes” are Nazis, which makes it tough for American audiences to sympathize and root for them.  (One of the soldiers even uses the old, “I was just obeying orders” justification for his actions.)  Those fascist Italians probably didn’t have much trouble cheering the characters on, but for us Yanks, there’s very little to hang our hats on, aside from the action. 

Since most of the first act is comprised of sweaty guys shuffling through the desert, the film takes a while to settle into a groove.  (The subplot about the soldiers kidnapping an Arab warlord is ho-hum, and the ensuing camel chase looks plain silly.)  To his credit, once the plot shifts away from the desert, Lenzi keeps the action coming at regular intervals, even if the scenes of warfare and combat themselves are a mixed bag.  He does deliver one solid sequence set in a minefield where the soldiers use cigarettes to mark the position of the mines though.

If you’re looking to get into Lenzi's filmography, his action flicks probably aren’t the best place to start.  Check out his many horror, gialli, and cannibal movies instead.  You’ll probably have much better luck. 

AKA:  Desert Commando.

THE UGLY STEPSISTER (2025) ****

It’s fitting Disney is putting the brakes on those live-action fairy tale remakes just when Norway gives us this disgustingly awesome horror-tinged version of Cinderella.  We need less overblown CGI crap fests and more Puke-o-Rama flicks that really put the “Grim” back into Grimm’s Fairy Tales.  Especially ones like The Ugly Stepsister, which even made this dyed in the wool gorehound squirm in his seat. 

This is an incredible debut for writer/director Emilie Blichfeldt.  It’s essentially a retelling of Cinderella through the ugly stepsister’s POV.  The movie stops short of doing a modern spin on the story with her being some kind of misunderstood antihero.  Instead, she’s just your average gal (who’s not really ugly, just plain) trying to live up to society’s impossible beauty standards.  Think a Brothers Grimm version of The Substance, and that gives you an idea of what we’ve got going on here. 

Yes, she winds up resenting Cinderella.  Yes, she eventually turns Cinderella into a servant girl.  However, they begin the film on essentially even ground and are pleasant enough to one another at the start.  It’s just that Elvira (Lea Myren) must work that much harder at being pretty and has to want it even more when it comes time for the prince’s ball. 

As Elvira, Myren gives an astonishing performance.  We are with her every step of the way in her quest for beauty, even if it takes her to some shockingly painful and disgusting detours.  I don’t want to spoil some of the best moments of the movie.  However, if you are already familiar with the OG version of the story, then you probably already know some of the highlights, which are shown in gloriously gory detail.  It also features one of the cringiest eye trauma scenes since A Clockwork Orange.  Oh, and this might be the first time in cinema history where a tapeworm gets a nomination for Best Supporting Actor.  Not only that, but the sex scenes feature some near XXX action.  

One thing’s for sure; those Norwegians sure know how to make a goddamned fairy tale movie!

PRESENCE (2025) **

A family moves into an old house and goes about their daily routine.  Meanwhile, a lingering spirit moves about the home and drops in on conversations and watches them while they are completely unaware.  When the presence makes itself known, the family struggle to find a way to deal with it. 

If you get the slightest bit of nausea from moving camerawork, you’ll probably want to sit this one out as it is comprised mostly of long takes of the ghost’s POV following the characters around the house.  While the camera movement is steady for the most part, some of the slow pans with the wall-eyed lenses will undoubtedly make you dizzy.  Since everything is seen through the spirit’s eyes, that means that sometimes it will be on the second floor and has to rush downstairs when someone enters the house.  These moments often feel like filler and quite honestly could’ve been trimmed. 

I think this might’ve worked as a short, however the seams really start to show at feature length.  It doesn’t help that the characters are all sketched pretty thin and the performances (aside from Chris Sullivan who works overtime carrying the movie on his back as the well-meaning, long-suffering patriarch of the family) are one-note.  The twist ending is OK, but again it’s something that may have worked better in a short or as part of an anthology film. 

Presence was written by David Koepp, who knows his way around ghost stories after directing the classic Stir of Echoes.  Ultimately, it all feels more like an excuse for director Steven Soderbergh to futz with his tracking camera.  Much as the camera searches around to find the action, the end result plays like a gimmick in search of a movie.  And honestly, once you know the gimmick, there’s really nowhere for the film to go.  I did like the use of the Poltergeist font in the opening credits though. 

Koepp and Soderbergh also collaborated on Black Bag, which was released just a few months later.

NINJA VS. SHARK (2023) **

The Crimson Devil Clan attacks a small fishing village and demands their stockpile of pearls.  Making matters worse is the fact that lately, the town’s pearl divers have been getting eaten by a giant shark that lurks in the sea.  The mayor has no choice but to hire a mercenary to protect the village from the evil clan.  The hired swordsman soon learns the clan is the one controlling the shark through the use of black magic.  Little does the village realize their new savior is also on the run from the clan, which complicates matters. 

Ninja vs. Shark suffers from some bad CGI blood effects during the sword fights.  The shark effects are pretty chintzy too, and not exactly in a fun way.  It also doesn’t help that our hero spends most of the movie dressed more like a samurai than a Ninja as he walks around in a robe and not the black pajamas you’d normally associate with Ninjas. 

There are some amusing things here.  For instance, when the villain eats the pearls, it makes him young again, but the side effect is that it turns him into a silly looking CGI shark man.   For the most part though, you have to wade through some serious lulls in the action before you get to the good stuff, and even then, the good stuff isn’t all that memorable.  There’s a zombie chick, a decent decapitated head gag, and lame Mortal Kombat style fights.  The finale where the Ninja squares up against the shark is pretty anticlimactic too. 

I’ve seen lots of movies with the words “Ninja vs.” in the title.  I’ve also seen lots of flicks featuring the words “vs. Shark”.  As such, Ninja vs. Shark is far from the worst of these kinds of films.  I mean, it’s not terrible or anything.  I guess it just boils down to what you want to see from a movie called Ninja vs. Shark.  For me, it had way too much of the former and not enough of the latter.  Fortunately, it’s only seventy-six minutes.  That doesn’t mean it’s well paced, as it feels longer than that, but at least the filmmakers knew that an hour and fifteen minutes was about the expiration date for something like this. 

HATCHING (2022) ****

A woman (Sophia Heilkila) is obsessed with her video blog showcasing her idyllic family.  After her young daughter Tinja (Siliri Solalinna) mercy kills a wounded bird, she brings its egg back home and tries to hatch it.  The egg grows exponentially and when it finally cracks open, a giant cute bird monster comes out.  The bird imprints itself on Tinja, who soon learns that motherhood isn’t all it’s… uh… cracked up to be.  In fact, it’s fucking disgusting. 

To reveal any more would do potential viewers a massive disservice.  One of the joys of Hatching is the way it dekes and dodges your expectations.  Its willingness to “go there” time and again also gives it the juice most Hollywood thrillers only dream of.  (It was a Finnish production.)

Hatching is one heck of a debut for writer/director Hanna Bergholm.  I especially liked the way she slowly draws the curtain back on the family’s life to reveal it’s not the picture-perfect existence the mother portrays online.  Not only that, but the way Bergholm contrasts Tinja’s mothering skills to that of her mom’s is downright savage.  While Tinja doesn’t shy away from the messier aspects of being a mom (like cleaning up all kinds of gross crap her “baby” leaves behind), her mother is “hands off” and “very online”. 

Now you may have preconceived notions about what a movie involving a young girl raising a bird monster should look like.  You’re probably thinking it’s going to be some Mac and Me bullshit or something.  Let me tell you something folks, this movie is deranged.  It fluctuates from cutesy stuff (like Tinja giving the bird a bath) to repugnant lunacy (the bird decapitates the neighbor’s dog) and you never know quite what you’re in for from scene to scene. 

You all know me.  You know how I earn my living.  You know I’ve been watching fucked up insane shit for decades with a cast iron stomach.  This may be the first time I ever dry-heaved while watching a movie.  I didn’t vomit, but I kinda wished I had a barf bag on hand just in case.  I won’t spoil it for you.  All I’ll say is that it’s going to be a long time before I feed a bird. 

If nearly making a dyed in the wool gorehound almost upchuck isn’t a recommendation, I don’t know what is. 

CROCODYLUS: MATING SEASON (2023) ****

Locals tell tales of the legendary “Crocodylus” that roams a lake in Florida.  Meanwhile, Allie (Rachel Comeau) contacts a sleazy detective (Chuck Fusca) to find her missing brother.  Seems he was dying of cancer and took an experimental drug laced with crocodile DNA and then suddenly disappeared.  Gee… do you think he could’ve turned into a crocodile man and gone on a rampage? 

Apparently, this is a sequel to Crocodylus, a movie I hadn’t seen before.  Luckily, there’s enough exposition by the characters that made me feel sufficiently caught up on things.  I mean, I guess I could’ve gone ahead and watched the first film beforehand, but I’m the kind of guy who sees the words “Mating Season” in the title of a creature feature and immediately hits PLAY on that sucker. 

I wasn’t expecting this to be so much fun, but it really is a breath of fresh air.  After so many SyFy Channel movies featuring shoddy CGI, it’s refreshing to find one where the monster looks like it came out of a Roger Corman movie… from the ‘50s.  (Actually, it looks like a pretty close replica of the monster from Track of the Moon Beast.)  It still contains all the green-tinted POV shots you’d expect from something like this, but Mating Season also has the novelty of including “Mouth Cam” during a scene where some swimmers are eaten. 

It’s also nice when one of these things doesn’t take itself too seriously.  It has some genuinely funny moments and memorable characters too.  From the boat captain who dresses and talks like a pirate to the down-on-his-luck private eye (who has a Jedi training certificate hanging in his office), nearly everyone in the cast is fun to watch.  Usually, with something like this, you’re laughing at how bad it is.  I was pleasantly shocked to find so many laugh-out-loud gags and gut-busting moments.  (Like the lovemaking scene between the two leads or when the monster interrupts a guy putting suntan lotion on a girl’s back.)  Sure, not all the jokes land, and it probably could’ve stood to be seventy-five minutes instead of eighty-five.  That in no way detracts from the fun.

So, if you like monster movies that take themselves way too seriously and are full of unnecessary CGI, then steer clear of Crocodylus:  Mating Season.  However, if you’re looking for a creature feature with a Zucker Brothers sense of humor and knowingly silly make-up and effects, you’re going to love it.  It’s one of the best of its kind and a certified modern classic. 

WATCHER (2022) **

Julia (Maika Monroe from Longlegs) is an American gal who moves to Romania with her husband (Karl Glusman).  Since he’s at work all day and she doesn’t speak Romanian, Julia mostly just hangs around her apartment all by herself.  Before long, she notices a man obsessively watching her from the apartment across the street.  She soon starts to suspect that her nosy neighbor just may be a local serial killer known as “The Spider”, who decapitates women.  Naturally, nobody believes her.  Is he really a killer, or it is all in her mind?

Most times when movies are made in Romania, the filmmakers bend over backwards to make you believe the action is actually taking place in America.  Very few films lean into their Romanian surroundings, so that at the very least, makes Watcher seem somewhat novel.  Speaking of novelties, we get a pretty good scene set inside a museum-turned-strip club where all the dancers strip behind glass cases.  I can honestly say I haven’t seen that before.

Since Monroe is a firmly established Scream Queen, we know she can act paranoid and scared.  However, she also does a good job of conveying her character’s sense of isolation and loneliness in the early going of the film.  Sadly, her performance is pretty much the whole show in this one. 

While the movie contains a few merits, it ultimately fails as a thriller.  That’s mostly due to the fact that the majority of the film is comprised of the watcher watching Monroe or Monroe watching the watcher.  I have to be honest:  Watching people watching other people can get a little tedious after a while.  It’s also one of those thrillers where you’re forced to wait until the final reel before something really happens, and when it finally does, it’s lackluster and anticlimactic. 

Unless you’re a fan of Monroe, then it’s probably hard to justify watching Watcher. 

THE INHERITANCE (2024) ** ½

Bob Gunton stars as a reclusive billionaire who invites his estranged children to his sprawling mansion under the auspices of celebrating his 75th birthday.  Once the clan has arrived, he tells them the real reason they’ve been drawn together:  Someone has put a hit out on him, and the deadline for the execution is midnight.  If his brood fails to stop the unknown assassin, they will all be effectively cut out of the will.  If, however, he manages to survive, his children may claim their hefty inheritance. 

This sort of set-up would feel right at home in a Hammer horror movie from the ‘60s.  Heck, I think it would be closer to say that it could’ve come out of an Old Dark House mystery from the ‘30s.  The Inheritance updates that bare bones structure with a modern sensibility and snark that’s comparable to other recent family horror flicks like You’re Next and Ready or Not (although it’s not nearly as funny or effective as those films). 

After a fine first act, the fun slowly begins to dwindle as the movie goes on.  The reveal that Gunton’s attacker is (mild spoiler) supernatural in nature is sort of a mixed blessing.  While this allows the assailant unique opportunities to sneak up on its intended victims (like the swimming pool murder), the body count is low, and the kills aren’t exactly bloody or suspenseful.  At least the filmmakers used some restraint when it came to the CGI. 

Director Alejandro (Juan of the Dead) Brugues gives the film a sense of style and atmosphere and should be commended for keeping things running at a tight clip.  Most of the time in these kinds of movies, the pacing tends to dawdle with a lot of Scooby-Doo scenes of people walking down dark corridors and finding secret passages.  Fortunately, Brugues keeps that shit to a minimum.  It’s a shame though that the hottest chick gets Janet Leigh’ed early on, but at least we have Rachel (P2) Nichols around as the ice queen sibling who’s all business.  Too bad she doesn’t last much longer. 

URGH! A MUSIC WAR (1981) ***

Urgh!  A Music War is a decent enough snapshot of punk, new wave, and rock bands of the early ‘80s.  Since Stewart Copeland’s brothers Ian and Miles produced it, The Police are featured more than any other band.  (They’re still pretty good though.)  Other highlights include Wall of Voodoo (“Back in Flesh”), Oingo Boingo (“Ain’t This the Life?”), Echo and the Bunnymen (“The Puppet”), The Dead Kennedys (“Bleed for Me”), DEVO (“Uncontrollable Urge”), and Gary Numan singing “Down in the Park” while riding around in a remote controlled throne on a stage that looks like it could’ve come out of Tron. 

Much of the concert footage leaves something to be desired as it is presented in a rather generic fashion.  The uninspired editing likewise causes many of the performances to run together without allowing the audience time to catch their breath.  Also, since the bands were captured on different stages throughout the world, there is very little cohesion from one performance to the next.  It is interesting to see some of the lesser-known bands singing obscure songs alongside Rock and Roll Hall of Famers and their all-time classics.  For example, Athletico Spizz 80’s “Where’s Captain Kirk?” is followed by The Go-Go’s singing “We Got the Beat” and Joan Jett and the Blackhearts (“Bad Reputation”) plays right before Magazine (“Model Worker”). 

It’s not bad or anything.  It’s just that there’s way too much filler in between the good stuff.  (Apparently there’s an alternate version that leaves some of the lesser-known bands on the cutting room floor.)

For me though the footage of The Cramps singing “Tear it Up” makes up for a lot of the criticisms.  The camera is right in front of Lux Interior’s mug during all his sweaty, microphone-swallowing antics.  There was a moment there when I actually thought he was going to jump out of his skintight leather pants.  I may be a little biased because I’m a huge fan of The Cramps, but it’s totally worth owning the movie just for their performance alone. 

THE TYPEWRITER, THE RIFLE AND THE MOVIE CAMERA (1996) ****

If you had the Independent Film Channel back in the ‘90s, then you probably remember this hour-long documentary about director Sam Fuller as it pretty much played on the channel non-stop.  I watched it a bunch of times back then and even after I saw it more than a few times, if it was on, I would still let it play out as background noise.  The use of clips from Fuller’s best movies and the scenes of Quentin Tarantino, Jim Jarmusch, and Martin Scorsese talking about Fuller were still entertaining, no matter how many times I saw it.  I actually hadn’t thought about it in a long time, so when I saw it listed as a special feature on the Criterion Collection DVD of Shock Corridor, I knew I had to check it out, if only for old times’ sake. 

Directed by Adam (Carnosaur) Simon and hosted by Tim Robbins, this is a compact, concise, and to the point documentary.  That style fits Fuller’s personality and approach to filmmaking perfectly.  The title is a reference to the three careers Fuller had:  A newspaper man, a soldier, and a director.  His first two professions not only informed his filmmaking style but forever shaped him as a man. 

Fuller himself is quite a character.  You can tell he’s a natural storyteller just from the way he stands around, chomps on a cigar, and shoots the shit.  That distinct voice and spirit carries over to his work, making his films and the man who made them one of a kind.  It’s almost a shame it’s only an hour long because I’m sure there’s plenty more entertaining B-roll footage somewhere of him just spinning yarns. 

The scenes of Robbins and Tarantino sorting through Fuller’s office and geeking out at all the memorabilia from his films are worth the price of admission.  I mean, as soon as they open the door, they find the steel helmet from The Steel Helmet!  How cool is that?  Speaking of which, Scorsese even admits he cribbed from Steel Helmet when he made Raging Bull! 

Even if you are unfamiliar with Fuller, this will make an excellent primer.  If you’re a fan of Tarantino or Scorsese, it’s worth watching just for their insights.  All in all, The Typewriter, the Rifle and the Movie Camera is one of the best documentaries about movies ever made. 

SHOCK CORRIDOR (1963) ****

The word “auteur” gets thrown around a lot when it comes to writer/directors.  Very few of them have a filmography infused with such a singular voice and vision that befits the term.  For me, Sam Fuller is one of the few definitive auteurs in film history and Shock Corridor very well may be his masterpiece. 

Peter (The Big Valley) Breck stars as a journalist with dreams of winning a Pulitzer Prize who goes undercover as a mental patient in an insane asylum to solve a murder.  The list of crazies/potential witnesses include an opera singing nut (Larry Tucker), a kook who thinks he’s a Civil War general (The Dukes of Hazzard’s James Best), a black Klansman (Hari Rhodes), and an infantile physicist (Fuller regular Gene Evans).  The only problem is the longer Breck stays in the asylum, the more the line between journalist and patient begins to blur. 

Shock Corridor has a hard-hitting pulpy style that is genuine.  Many directors try for this sort of larger than life feel and fumble it, but it comes naturally for Fuller.  While his westerns of the ‘50s are often very good, it’s his noirs from the ‘60s that remain touchstones.  Of all his films, this is probably his most cinematic and haunting, as it is a harrowing account of ambition and madness. 

At times, it feels like a genre-bending version of a detective story as it shares a similar structure, but the setting and unforgettable characters (especially Rhodes) make for an unshakable experience.  Other times, it feels like a nightmare you can’t wake up from.  In either case, Fuller’s blunt force trauma directing style makes it certain you’re in for one helluva ride. 

Breck (who also starred in The Crawling Hand, Hootenanny Hoot, and this, all in the same year) is excellent in the lead as he sways from “faking it” to becoming dangerously close to actual madness.  Constance Towers, who was also in Fuller’s equally memorable The Naked Kiss, does a great striptease dance number and looks especially terrific when she appears to Breck as a vision while in the nuthouse.  Their performances, along with Fuller’s unmistakable style, make Shock Corridor an all-timer. 

THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE BEAUTIFUL (1970) **

Bruce Harrington (Harold Herbsman) is a politician who is leading in the polls and is a shoo-in to win the election.  People attribute his popularity to the fact his wife Helen (Janis Young) is super-hot.  Trouble brews when a guy who calls himself “The Flying Man” (Osgood Scott) shows up with incriminating pictures of Helen and threatens to expose her sordid past of drinking, drugs, wild parties, and even her short trip to the booby hatch.  With her husband’s election at stake, Helen has no choice but to pay him off.  However, when he returns later and tries to force himself on her, Helen fights back and the Flying Man winds up dead.  That REALLY puts the future senator’s political career in jeopardy. 

This New York City-lensed sexploitation drama feels a little too much like a soap opera in some places to really work as smut.  The blackmail subplot is kind of dull too and gets in the way of the sex scenes.  The long flashback sequence set at an orgiastic party goes on forever.  Although this scene does provide the film with some glimpses of much needed T & A, it pretty much stops the narrative cold right in the middle of the movie.  The open-ended ending is a little frustrating as well.  This sort of coda may have worked for a plot that was more fanciful, but when it’s used for this kind of realistic drama, it falls flat. 

That’s not to say that The Good, the Bad and the Beautiful doesn’t have its moments.  In fact, it’s at its best when it’s focusing on the subplot surrounding the sexual hang-ups of the politician’s servants.  I mean what other movie gives you a scene where the wonderful character actor Allen Garfield plays a horny chauffeur who bangs a hot maid (Jennifer Welles, a veteran of many Joe Sarno movies) in the middle of the woods?  Welles also gets a hot scene where she turns into a dominatrix, grabs a whip, and flogs the naughty politician.  If Young and Herbsman had the same kind of chemistry that Garfield and Welles shared, the film would’ve been much steamier.  The music is pretty good though, as is the black and white cinematography. 

ROBOCOP: DARK JUSTICE (2001) **

After three theatrical films, a cartoon, and a TV show, Robocop was once again resurrected for television as Robocop:  Prime Directives, a series of four Made for TV movies.  This was the first entry.  Page Fletcher plays Robocop, who is down in the dumps because it’s his (tenth) birthday.  He soon finds himself at a moral crossroads when someone messes with his programming and orders him to kill his former partner John Cable (Maurice Dean Wint).  Meanwhile, Cable’s ex-wife Sara (Maria del Mara) has created a cabal of executives within OCP and plots an overthrow of the company. 

Sure, it’s a low budget TV show, but a lot of it still seems relevant today with the anti-AI sentiment and the fact that the yuppie corporate guy’s plan is more or less like Elon Musk’s DOGE bullshit.  It’s also interesting that the police have been defunded so they only carry non-lethal alternatives like mace and tasers, but Robo is still able to pack heat.  That said, if you were unhappy with the watered-down cartoonish world of Robocop 3, you’ll probably hate this.  There’s a laughable villain called “Bone Machine” that looks ridiculous and says stupid shit like, “You’re boned, baby!”  Plus, many of the attempts at satire fall flat.  (There’s a bank called “Chelsea Clinton Savings and Loan”.)  The “Media Break” moments are kind of fun though.  This time they are updated for the World Wide Web and feature pop-up ads selling things like DVDs of “Robocop’s Greats Hits” and an all-John Malkovich Channel (not a bad idea).

Fletcher (who starred in the HBO series, The Hitchhiker, a show that original Robocop director Paul Verhoeven helmed a few episodes for) isn’t all that great in the lead and his Robo voice takes some time getting used to.  The constant flashbacks of him before he became Robocop seem less like character development and more of a cost cutting measure.  (You know, so they don’t have to haul out the Robo suit.)  Speaking of the suit, it’s a definite downgrade from the theatrical movies, but I did like the way they dinged it up to make it seem lived in. 

All in all, Robocop:  Dark Justice is what it is:  An inferior TV version of an all-time classic hard-R movie.  If you can come to grips with that you might like it.  Ultimately, it’s one of those “good news, bad news” scenarios.  For every fun moment or semi-interesting element (like Robocop’s now grown son working for OCP), there’s at least one or two corny bits that throw cold water on everything.  I’ll probably return to the series and watch the rest of the movies eventually, but I can honestly tell you I’m in no particular rush to do so. 

AKA:  Robocop:  Prime Directives:  AKA:  Robocop:  Prime Directives:  Dark Justice.

SEVEN DOORS TO DEATH (1944) ***

Jimmy (Chick Chandler) gets carjacked by a sassy gal named Mary (June Clyde) in his jalopy.  After she escapes, he returns to the scene of the crime and discovers a dead body.  Jimmy does his duty as a citizen and tells the police, but when they arrive on the scene, they discover an entirely different corpse.  Implicated in the crime, Jimmy teams up with Mary to clear his name and find the real killer. 

Seven Doors to Death (which should in no way be confused with Lucio Fulci’s Seven Doors OF Death, the American title for The Beyond) is a surprisingly fun Poverty Row thriller that has slight horror trappings.  (Jimmy and Mary discover a mummy in a basement at one point.)  The title refers to a block of stores where the murder took place that are all connected to the same basement, as well as the theory that the killer could be the proprietor of any one of the seven shops in the complex.  (“Behind one of those doors is a murderer!”)

Director Elmer Clifton (a veteran of many ‘30s scare pictures like Assassin of Youth and Slaves in Bondage) keeps things moving at an acceptable pace.  While it’s not exactly a crackling thriller by any means (the jewel thief subplot was unnecessary), it’s certainly not as creaky as most of these Poverty Row thrillers.  Sure, things get wrapped up way too easily in the end, but it remains fun and enjoyable throughout.  Besides, there are plenty of suspects and/or red herrings to go around such as a knife salesman, a crime enthusiast, and a dimwitted gardener.  That’s enough to keep you guessing who the killer is until the end. 

The performances help enormously too.  Chandler and Clyde make for a fine team, and their bickering and bantering keeps you amused during what could’ve ordinarily been dull dialogue scenes.  Clifton’s background in exploitation shines through during the most memorable scene where a hot brunette performs an impromptu burlesque striptease in the living room (although it’s awfully tame by today’s standards).  

AKA:  Vanishing Corpses.

CRIMSON (1976) ** ½

Paul Naschy stars as a jewel thief who is shot in the head while evading the police.  While on the run, his criminal confederates take him to a shady doctor for medical treatment.  When he is unable to help, he suggests his mad scientist pal can save Naschy’s life.  The only way to do so is an emergency brain transplant and the only person with the same blood type just so happens to be Naschy’s mortal enemy, an unsavory character called “The Sadist”.  The operation is a success, but it does leave Naschy with one pesky side effect:  It gives him the compulsive urge to strangle women. 

Although he has top billing, Naschy spends more than half the movie unconscious and/or offscreen.  Because of that, fans of the man will probably feel shortchanged.  Adding to the disappointment is the fact that despite the film’s Sci-Fi trappings, this is much more of a crime flick than the horror shows he’s known for.  Even when Naschy is up and running around, Crimson never really makes the best use of his talents.  With his blue turtleneck and white bandaged head, he kind of resembles Dengar from The Empire Strikes Back. 

While Crimson suffers from a noticeable lack of Naschy, it still has its share of rewards.  There’s a completely random striptease involving two guys in yellow face ripping clothes off a woman against a ridiculously elaborate China themed backdrop.  We also get a humorous stretch where the criminals have a difficult time decapitating a body, as well as a great bit when the dirty crooks receive the head hidden inside of a birthday present.  We also get a gnarly scene where Naschy’s rivals put out their cigarette butts on a hot blonde, and the surprise reveal of a dead body is rather effective. 

So, it’s a toss-up.  If you want to see a crime caper with a pinch of horror and a dabble of Sci-Fi, then Crimson will be for you.  If on the other hand, you’re looking for a top notch Naschy flick, stick with his werewolf pictures instead. 

AKA:  Crimson, the Color of Terror.  AKA:  The Man with the Severed Head.  AKA:  Crimson, the Color of Blood.

TWO WOMEN IN GOLD (1970) **

Fernande (Monique Mercure) and Violette (Louise Turcot) are two bored Montreal housewives who grow restless with their philandering and/or dull husbands.  They decide to spice up their dreary existence by seducing just about any man they can get a hold of.  The telephone repairman, the milkman, handymen, and delivery boys all become objects of their misplaced affection.  When one of Violette’s lovers dies after a bout of lovemaking, they are accused of murder and quickly become international sensations. 

Directed by Claude (Dan Candy’s Law) Fournier, this Canadian sex comedy is more puzzling than anything else.  It doesn’t matter what side of the border you’re on, the shit in this movie just isn’t funny.  Like at all.  Take for instance the football game that has canned “comedic” sound effects or the random use of a choir singing “Hallelujah” or the shot of a painting of the Queen closing her eyes.  Without the egregious comedy shit, this could’ve been a winner.  Think a maple syrup version of a Joe Sarno flick.  Too bad the comedy derails things every chance it gets. 

Fortunately, the film features scads of T & A, which makes some of the unfunny comedic Canadian shenanigans tolerable.  That said, the sex and/or nude scenes we do get are not very sexy and often are nearly ruined by the intrusive comedy elements.  One memorable scene occurs when a carpet cleaner visits Turcot and his shampooer goes haywire and fills the room with bubbles.  This naturally causes her to strip down and roll around in the suds.  Now, this could’ve been a great sequence, but those hopes are immediately dashed the instant the comic relief cleaning guy starts singing opera.  Mercure and Turcot are plenty sexy and their complete willingness to go au natural at the drop of a hat certainly keeps things afloat. They remain two women in gold even if the movie itself is tarnished by the shitty comedy. 

ATRAGON (1965) **

Agents from the underwater “Mu Empire” (it’s basically a Great Value version of Atlantis) are coming ashore and kidnapping naval personnel.  A couple of cheesecake photographers snap a photo of one of them and wind up becoming embroiled in the intrigue.  Meanwhile, the evil Empress of Mu tries to stop a crazed Captain from launching his state-of-the-art submarine called Gotengo, which she thinks can threaten her empire.  She then unleashes the dragon god “Manda” upon our heroes. 

Atragon is a so-so Sci-Fi flick from Toho.  It was co-directed by inoshiro (Godzilla) Honda, and often plays like a Japanese knockoff of a Jules Verne novel.  It kicks off with a fun scene where a silver scuba diver frightens a bikini model mid-photo shoot.  Unfortunately, all the back and forth between the United Nations and the Navy and the scientists quickly bog things down.  The scenes in the Mu palace are likewise draggy as the various rituals and dance numbers do nothing to help pick up the pace. 

If you came hoping for a cool monster, you’ll probably be disappointed.  In all honesty, Manda is not one of Toho’s most impressive creations.  He’s kind of a cross between a dragon and a sea serpent.  He’s also rubbery-looking and goofy as Hell.  (He almost looks like a barely more competent version of Reptilicus.)  Manda later showed up in the Godzilla films Destroy All Monsters and Final Wars.  At least in those movies, the special effects for the creature were better.  Here, he looks like he could be used as a stunt double for Cecil from Beany and Cecil. 

Gotengo is pretty nifty looking though, as it’s a submarine with a spiral shaped drill on its nose.  And it FLIES!  The final battle between Gotengo and Manda is pretty lackluster though, especially when compared to the other monster mashes Toho was making around the same time. 

The film’s chief asset is the great score from composer Akira Ifukube.  Yes, I know it sounds like a slight reworking of his iconic Godzilla theme.  However, in a movie as uneven as this one you have to take what you can get. 

AKA:  Atoragon.  AKA:  Atoragon:  Flying Supersub.  AKA:  Flying Supersub Atoragon.  AKA:  Undersea Battleship.

ELEVATION (2024) ***

Like rip-offs of Die Hard, A Quiet Place rip-offs are quickly becoming a genre unto themselves.   After the success of that film, we’ve had similarly themed movies about monsters that roam the post-apocalypse and hunt humans in idiosyncratic ways.  Movies like Birdbox, Arcadian, and Never Let Go followed A Quiet Place’s blueprint and changed the rules to their monsters’ quirks and/or weaknesses ever so slightly.  Now here comes Elevation, a surprisingly sturdy variation on the theme. 

The gimmick of this one is that the monsters can’t live above a certain elevation (hence the title).  That means all the survivors took to the hills and started living in the mountains after the shit hit the fan.  Will (Anthony Mackie) has a sick kid and he’s all out of filters for his breathing machine.  That means he’s got to venture across “the line” and go into town for supplies.  He gets a bitter scientist named Nina (Morena Baccarin) to join him on his quest since she’s been trying to find a way to kill the monsters once and for all.  Katie (Maddie Hasson), a pseudo-love interest, also joins the group and sort of acts as a third wheel. 

Director George (The Adjustment Bureau) Nolfi brings a modicum of suspense to the scenes of the survivors trekking through the wilderness.  The “Reapers” look like armor plated cockroaches and charging bulls that have been Brundlefly-ed together.  They aren’t exactly memorable, but they look better than the creatures typically found in these Quiet Place knockoffs.  The script also wisely keeps the logistics of the monsters’ weakness purposefully vague.  The “rules” sometimes feel a bit arbitrary, but they do lead to some suspenseful moments.  I’m thinking specifically of the scene when the creatures hunt their prey by detecting the CO2 the heroes exhale, so they are forced to hold their breath.  

The trio of performers have chemistry to burn, which gives Elevation much of its spirit.  Mackie makes for a solid leading man for this sort of thing.  Baccarin is especially good as the sarcastic scientist who constantly complains and bickers with Hasson. 

Sure, no one reinvented the wheel on this one.  However, if you’re looking for a lean and mean ninety-minute creature feature, then it will fit the bill.  As far as A Quiet Place rip-offs go, Elevation ranks higher than most. 

A WORKING MAN (2025) *** ½

I’ve been seeing a lot of people online griping that “A Working Man is no Beekeeper”.  Fair enough, but that kind of blanket statement undersells just how good the film is.  The fact that it doesn’t quite hit the heights of The Beekeeper should in no way be taken as a slight to A Working Man, the latest collaboration between Jason Statham and director David Ayer.  Saying “A Working Man is no Beekeeper” is like saying “The Magnificent Ambersons is no Citizen Kane”.  That’s true enough, but dude, it’s still The Magnificent fucking Ambersons. 

Statham plays a former soldier working as a humble construction worker.  When his boss’s daughter is kidnapped by Russian slavers, he goes to work.  And by “goes to work”, I mean he blows away a bunch of Russian gangsters, grubby drug dealers, and skeevy bikers. 

Boasting a script co-written by Rambo himself, Sylvester Stallone, A Working Man is a better than average Statham vehicle that gives the audience exactly what they came to see.  Ayer plays to Statham strengths, and Stallone’s script gives him a stoic character that fits him like a glove.  Sure, he doesn’t have the great one-liners like he did in The Beekeeper, but the film is essentially wall to wall action and packed to the gills with scenes of Statham taking out the trash.  Because of that, all is right with the world. 

The supporting cast is strong across the board. Jason Flemyng (Statham’s co-star from his early Guy Ritchie movies) is good as the head of the Russian mob.  David Harbour has a lot of chemistry with Statham as his blind war buddy who acts as a mix of conscience and weapons supplier.  Arriana Rivas is also memorable as the kidnapped girl. 

Is the film perfect?  Well, it runs a little long and some of the action scenes suffer from over-editing and less than optimal camerawork.  (The bulk of the action is A-OK though.)  These are relatively minor quibbles than anything.  At the end of the day, A Working Man gets the job done. 

SNATCHED! CURSE OF THE PINK PANTIES 2 (2010) *

When I stumbled upon this sequel, I had never seen, let alone heard of the wonderfully titled Curse of the Pink Panties.  Since I couldn’t find the original streaming anywhere, I went ahead and watched this one.  Not seeing the first film in a series has never stopped me from checking out its sequel in the past.  Why should I stop now?

A woman tries on a pair of haunted panties and is unable to take them off.  As it turns out, the undies are possessed by the ghosts of some dead criminals.  She is then kidnapped by an evil villainess who wants to control the ghosts for her own devious purposes.  Meanwhile, two girls who survived the Curse of the Pink Panties in the first film launch an unsuccessful web show about their paranormal experiences.  The bad chick eventually kidnaps them too and wants to use their expertise to help harness the ghosts’ energy.  Our heroine’s boyfriend then turns to a busty psychic for help. 

The effects for the spirits of the men who haunt the panties are terrible.  They are nothing more than green-screened faces superimposed over a shot of women’s underwear.  Since these scenes are neither funny nor sexy, one would have to assume that the director had a fetish for seeing men’s faces crudely inserted onto a woman’s bikini area.  Why else would anyone make two movies on the subject, let alone one? 

There are also way too many subplots and characters that bog things down.  It might’ve helped if I saw the first movie, but this one is just saddled with too much rigmarole.  It should be said that while nearly all the ladies in the cast are smoking hot, none of them remove the titular panties (or their bras as a matter of fact).  This chaste aura does nothing to help the film as the running time clocks in at an extremely bloated one-hundred-and-eight-minutes.  I’m not saying nudity could’ve salvaged this mess, but it would’ve taken some of the sting out of it, that’s for sure.  Heck, even if it was a half-hour shorter, it still would’ve been a chore to sit through (especially the finale featuring the overweight guy running around in lingerie).

AKA:  Snatched!