THE BIKINI OPEN (1990) **

Bikini contests are an American tradition.  They’re as American as baseball or apple pie.  Although The Bikini Open showcases lots of footage of bikini clad babes from around the country, the presentation itself leaves something to be desired. 

The first competition is the Hawaiian Tropic contest in Daytona Beach, Florida.  It almost seems like paid programming for the company as they Interview with the owner who rubs elbows with the contestants.  But what a product!  Next up is Westhampton, New York.  In the interest of equality, we are forced to sit through a men’s competition before getting to the girls (which unfortunately is a running theme throughout the movie).  Then, it’s back to Florida, this time in Clearwater.  Unfortunately, it seems like it spends more time interviewing the judges than the contestants.  Fort Lauderdale is next.  This segment is ruined by footage of fat dudes participating in a belly flop contest before the bikini girls come out.  

Then, it’s off to my neck of the woods:  Ocean City, Maryland!  This segment is plagued by a men’s competition and even a kids’ contest (!?!?), but at least there are multiple ladies’ competitions.  It was cool for me to see some local celebrities like DJ Batman and The Hitman as emcees, and the bikini fitting at Body Double Swimwear is neat (even if it goes on too long).  For me, it was like a walk down memory lane.  Others may not be as impressed.

Then, it’s off to Rhode Island where we unfortunately have to sit through more male contests (accompanied by lane comic sound effects) before heading to Anaheim, California.  I liked the Anaheim contest because there’s a stripping component involved.  (One memorable contestant does a striptease out of a wedding dress.)  It’s also cool seeing Andy Sidaris star and Playboy Playmate Hope Marie Carlton win the contest too. 

Speaking of winners, they all have a brief interview segment accompanied by shots of them walking on the beach in their (what else?) bikini.  These moments are among the best in the movie as the editing is relatively chill compared to the other scenes.  These interviews are occasionally enlightening.  (“Sometimes, I wish they knew I had a brain!”)  The interviews with the spectators are decidedly less so.  (More than one says, “I feel sorry for the judges!”) 

It’s hard to screw up hot girls in bikinis, but The Bikini Open certainly tries its darnedest.  The problem is that the contests themselves are overedited and you barely have time to enjoy watching the ladies walking the runway.  It’s one thing to have the montages of the girls and tourists horsing around on the beach cut to ribbons.  It’s another when the contests themselves are edited into oblivion.  Some scenes rush by so fast that I sometimes thought I was watching it in 1.5x speed. 

It’s also a bit of a cheat that they say there are ten contests, but they count two of the men’s competitions.  I mean they don’t even list the winners in the men’s categories as the finalists, so what was the point?  Still, it was nice that the winner from Ocean City contest, Karen Croney, took the top prize.  (Spoiler Alert for a thirty-five-year-old Pay Per View special.)