LET’S GET PHYSICAL: LEPRECHAUN (1993) ** ½

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on October 19th, 2009)

Leprechaun was Jennifer Aniston’s film debut.  It’s kind of a shame that she never made another movie quite as good as this one.  She’s fairly decent in this flick and you can only imagine how good of a scream queen she could’ve been had she not starred in that Friends bullshit.

 

The plot has a centuries old Leprechaun (Warwick Davis) terrorizing a bunch of people at a farmhouse in the middle of nowhere.  The murderous munchkin is looking for his gold and he’s prepared to rip off someone’s face if they don’t produce his coins in a timely manner.  Naturally the only thing that can kill a Leprechaun is a four-leaf clover, so the precocious brat of the group slingshots it into the Leprechaun’s mouth; causing him to melt.

 

Leprechaun has its share of chuckles.  I for one think it’s pretty hilarious that a shamrock is to the Leprechaun what a cross is to a vampire.  (They even have to “believe” in order for it to work.)  While a Killer Leprechaun is a promising concept, not much is really done with it to make the film completely worthwhile.  It also doesn’t help when the characters are all annoying.  (The know-it-all kid, the slow-witted handyman, the shrill vegetarian chick, the hunky painter, the useless father, etc.)

 

The biggest problem with the flick is that the tone is all out of whack.  Sometimes the film is extremely silly (Leprechaun eats some fake Lucky Charms at one point), and other times, things are played completely straight.  Thankfully, the sequels would take the formula and run with it.  They invented new rules, ignored continuity, and gave Leprechaun more silly rhymes, which resulted in bigger laughs.

 

The reason to watch Leprechaun is for Warwick Davis.  This is hands down his best role.  Fuck Willow.  He’s great in these movies.  They don’t give him a lot of funny stuff to do in this one (besides ride a tricycle in fast motion) but he does have his moments.  I like how he had OCD and frantically polished people’s shoes.  There’s also a great scene where he uses a pogo stick to jump up and down on a pawn shop owner’s chest.  (“This old man, he played one, he played pogo on my lungs!”) The highlight of the flick though comes when a cop pulls Leprechaun over for speeding in a Power Wheels car.  Their dialogue is priceless. 

 

Cop:  “Aren’t we a little young to be out this late?” 

 

Leprechaun:  “I’m 600 years old!”

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: MARK OF THE DEVIL (1970) ***

FORMAT:  4K UHD

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on July 17th, 2007)

The ads said: “Positively the most horrifying film ever made!” Not really, but the film has many unsettling scenes of torture. It takes place during height of the Salem witch hunts. We get to see fingers cut off, tar and feathering, and witches burned at the stake. And that’s the first five minutes! 

Herbert (The Pink Panther movies) Lom comes to a small village and takes over as Head Witchfinder for Reggie (Salem’s Lot) Nalder. At first, he seems more reasonable than Nalder, but soon resorts to even worse tactics. Udo (Andy Warhol’s Dracula) Kier is Lom’s protégée, who’s in love with a sultry bar maid. When she spurns Nalder’s advances, he accuses her of being a witch and has her imprisoned. The townspeople revolt and in the downbeat ending, Lom (who we find out is impotent) escapes and the heroic Kier gets lynched. The original ending had all the murdered torture victims rising from the grave to get revenge, but the distributor hated it so much he burned the negative!

The graphic torture scenes include finger crushing, whippings, girls topless on the rack, bare asses on spikes, Chinese water torture, and in the film’s most famous scene, a girl’s tongue is ripped out. The film is at its best when showing this stuff in gory detail but is also effective at showing the hypocrisy of the witchfinders. Lucky as hell first run theater patrons got free Mark of the Devil Vomit Bags when they saw this in 1970. The first film “Rated V for VIOLENCE!”

AKA:  Witches are Tortured to Death.  AKA:  Austria 1700.  AKA:  Hexen.  AKA:  Burn, Witch, Burn.  AKA:  Satan.

QUICK THOUGHTS:

I’ve always thought of Mark of the Devil as Witchfinder General’s trashy cousin.  That film had class, style, and a terrific performance by Vincent Price.  This one is exploitative, grisly, and has Herbert Lom chewing the scenery.  Still, you’ve got to admire the way the film rubs the audience’s nose in the deprived excess.  The torture scenes still pack a punch (especially the justifiably famous tongue tipping scene), even if the stuff in between them is decidedly less than gripping. 

4K UHD NOTES:

This is another fine remastering by Vinegar Syndrome.  They cleaned it up nicely, but they left in just enough grain to make it look like you’re watching it at a drive-in.  The colors look especially great during the psychedelic swirling that occurs right before Lom’s assistant gets his eye gouged out.  Too bad it didn’t come with a commemorative barf bag.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: READY TO RIDE (1992) ** ½

FORMAT:  VHS

Penthouse Video was always slightly more risqué than the similarly themed Playboy tapes, if only because the models’ pubic regions were trimmed and/or bare so you could see glimpses of their genitalia.  In the age of internet porn this will all probably seem rather chaste.  However, if you were a teenage boy in the ‘90s (as I was). the Penthouse Video tapes were where it was at. 

The tape kicks off with previews for other Penthouse Videos such as Satin and Lace, Fast Cars Fantasy Women, and Passport to Paradise.  Then the main attraction begins.  It’s a collection of hit-and-miss motorcycle-themed vignettes of nude biker babes. 

The first one is called “Biker Chicks” (** ½), and it plays like a naughty rock video version of The Violent Years.  Three sexy biker babes roam the countryside, accosting and hogtying unsuspecting men (and women) before having their way with them.  The ladies all look great in this segment, but the MTV editing kinda prevents it from gathering up much steam. 

Next, we have “Satin and Lace” (** ½), a black and white sequence where a biker dude bangs Monique Gabrielle on the back of his motorcycle.  While this scene begins promisingly enough, there’s not a whole lot to it and it’s over before it really begins. 

“Bar Dance” (***) is a fun sequence where two hot blondes become bored by the dates, pop a quarter in the jukebox, and start stripping on the bar.  This one effectively straddles the line of fantasy and “Letters to Penthouse” style of straitlaced people having a wild encounter, although you have to wait till the very end to see how it fits into the overall biker theme. 

Then, a pre-porn, pre-tattoos Janine does a sexy dance in a studio on and around a motorcycle while clad in leather in “Locked in Leather” (** ½).  Like the first segment, this is little more than a rock video, but you know, with boobs. 

“Bikers and Guys” (**) is up next, and it’s a leisurely paced assortment of random scenes of girls (one of which is Julie Strain) slowly disrobing for the camera while a lazy blues guitar plays on the soundtrack.  Oh, and occasionally some guys on motorcycles ride by.  This scene just feels like filler and worse, looks like it may have been cobbled together from outtakes of a previous Penthouse video.  Even though it ends with Strain straddling a biker dude and dry humping him, it still isn’t all that entertaining or hot. 

After that, we have “Daydreaming (** ½) where a motorcycle mechanic has hallucinations of Julie K. Smith dressed (and undressed) as Marilyn Monroe.  Julie looks great here all done up as Marilyn, but there really isn’t a whole lot to this unusually short sequence. 

This is followed by yet another faux MTV rock video segment, “Fire and Water” (**) featuring more bosomy biker babes.  Again, it just feels like filler, and some of the footage was even recycled from previous segments. 

A hitchhiking hippie chick gets picked up by a biker who bangs her in the woods in “Flower Child” (**).  This segment is kind of tame and pretty lame, and the slow rock song on the soundtrack is awful. 

A morbidly obese biker stops reading Penthouse to play a rock cassette which summons Penthouse Pets out of thin air who then strip for him and his buddies in “Biker Gang” (** ½).  The Pets are hot, and there’s some good energy in this scene, but the fat grubby biker dudes are kind of hard to take. 

Julie K. Smith is back to do some “Solo Dancing” (****) in another rock video segment.  She has a lot of energy as she shimmies and shakes in front of a motorcycle.  I’m a big fan of Julie’s and this sequence gives you just about everything you could hope to see from her.  The close-ups of Smith ripping her mesh outfit and baring it all for the camera are particularly hot.  Although this segment is kind of short, it’s definitely the highlight of the tape. 

Julie Strain is the focus of the final segment, “Ready to Die” (**).  She entices the grubby bikers from the earlier segment, and they chase her on the highway with their bikes.  Once they finally catch up to her, she lets have their way with her.  Then, we find out it was all a dream!?!  HUH!?!  This one just goes on way too long, and not even the sexy allure of Julie can save this unsexy, meandering sequence. 

Ultimately, Ready to Ride might not be one of Penthouse’s best videos, but the fact that it features such soon to be porn luminaries such as Janine and Tiffany Mynx and B-Movie Queens like Julie Strain, Julie K. Smith, and Monique Gabrielle will make it well worth watching for their legions of fans. 

AKA:  Penthouse:  Ready to Ride.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: TELL ME NO LIES (2001) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

A serial killer is going around butchering a bevy of beautiful busty college coeds.  Amber Smith is a sexy DJ for a college radio call-in show whose sultry voice attracts the attention of the killer.  When he reveals on the air that he killed Amber’s sister, it naturally rattles her.  While the police drag their feet and come up with no leads, Amber sets out to take down the killer on her own terms. 

Smith makes quite an impression as she really commands the screen.  She has a sexy voice and is a natural fit behind the microphone.  She also looks great in her frequent nude scenes. 

Most of the sex scenes are gratuitous and would make a Mainline Releasing erotic thriller seem subtle and restrained by comparison.  That’s just a fancy way of saying they’re pretty darn good.  These sequences are well lit, have patient editing, and director Emmanuele Itier frames the scenes in such a way that he’s able to get the most out of the performers'… uh… assets.  The sex scenes also occur at a steady clip which also help to disguise the thin plot. 

Other than Amber’s impressive performance, the rest of the cast are sadly, more or less a washout.  Jason Ryan, who plays the main cop on the case especially looks ridiculous in his ill-fitting cowboy hat, especially considering that without it, he otherwise looks like a member of Sugar Ray.  His Texas accent sounds equally phony.  Thankfully, his goofy appearances don’t detract from the hot and heavy softcore action. 

The finale where Amber and her boyfriend are attacked by the killer is a lot less effective than the build-up to the confrontation.  This lengthy sequence also cuts into the nude scenes, which were previously occurring every five minutes.  The tepid climax aside, for the first hour or so, Tell Me No Lies is truthfully a great Skinamax thriller. 

Itier later went on to direct documentaries, many of which were narrated by none other than Sharon Stone!

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SHOTGUN (1989) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on April 11th, 2018)

There’s a psycho going around the city wearing a leather S & M mask and beating up hookers.  Two concerned cops, Jones (Stuart Chapin) and Billings (Riff Hutton) warn the ladies of the night to beware.  When Jones’ sister becomes the killer’s latest victim, he goes out for revenge.  He flies off the handle and winds up getting thrown off the force.  Jones ekes out a living as a bounty hunter and quickly gains the nickname “Shotgun” for his propensity for shooting people in the ass with a shotgun.

Shotgun is a chintzy, low-rent, but watchable cop thriller.  The sometimes-blurry cinematography gives it the look of a slightly higher budgeted homemade movie.  The amateurish performances (especially by Chapin) help add to the fact (and the fun).

The early scenes of the masked killer whipping hookers have a kick to them and gives you a good look at Hollywood Boulevard in the late ‘80s.  However, the tone is inconsistent.  It goes from comedy (like when Chapin and Hutton bust up a robbery in a bar) to prostitute beating a little crudely, which sometimes hampers it from truly taking off.

Shotgun suffers from a low budget, but the filmmakers wisely saved all their money for the final reel.  In the end, Chapin gets an old buddy to turn his truck into a tank equipped with a flamethrower.  They then head down to Mexico to take out the killer who's hiding in a fortress surrounded by armed goons.  This sequence has enough explosions, pyrotechnics, and shots of people being blown away and/or set on fire to qualify it as a minor classic. 

Chapin gets the best line of the movie when he tells an Internal Affairs officer:  “My partner and I were in a situation that probably would’ve given you Hershey Squirts!”

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: DEADLY TARGET (1994) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Gary Daniels stars in this moderately entertaining PM Entertainment actioner as a Hong Kong cop who is sent to Los Angeles to bring back the drug kingpin (Byron Mann) who killed his brother.  Naturally, the prisoner transfer goes awry and his quarry escapes.  Everyone tells Gary to go back home, but he sticks around and teams up with a karate-kicking LA cop (Ken McLeod) to get his man(n). 

Deadly Target was the one and only directorial effort from actress Charla Driver.  She handles the fight scenes competently enough for the most part, and while there’s nothing revolutionary here, it’s quite satisfying overall.  (Driver gives us the obligatory scene where there’s a shot of a conspicuously placed vase, and you just know it’s only a matter of time before it is smashed by a whirling leg kick in slow motion.)  The car chases and explosions are rather over the top too, which is the norm for a PM flick.  Unfortunately, Driver puts way too much concentration on the love story subplot between Daniels and a Chinese blackjack dealer (Susan Byun).  These scenes are okay, but they only add to the already lengthy ninety-nine-minute running time. 

The characters make so much about Gary being a cop from Hong Kong that it almost made me wonder if the script was originally supposed to star an Asian lead.  Either way, I guess it didn’t matter where he was from.  (Although I guess it would make sense for Gary to be English since Hong Kong was under British rule at the time.)  All that really matters is that he kicks a bunch of dudes in the face and shoots a bunch of drug dealers, which, of course, he does.  Because of that, I’d say Deadly Target is a reasonably enjoyable addition to Gary’s vast DTV filmography. 

AKA:  Fire Zone.  AKA:  Street War.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SOLDIER BOYZ (1996) **

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on September 23rd, 2011)

Soldier Boyz finds Michael Dudikoff as an ex-military man-turned-social worker trying to get through to some gang members in a jail for troubled kids. Some rich guy approaches him to rescue his daughter who’s being held captive by Cary Hiroyuki Tagawa in Vietnam. Dudikoff accepts the mission but only as long as he can take a couple of these kids with him. Because the teens are in opposing gangs, racists, or otherwise psychotic, Dudikoff has to make sure they don’t kill each other before they kill the enemy.

So, basically what we’ve got here is a gangbanger version of The Dirty Dozen with The American Ninja in the Lee Marvin role.

Let me get this off my chest. The plot of this movie is fucking stupid. I mean who in their right mind would authorize sending incarcerated gang members to Vietnam on a top-secret mission? MILITARY prisoners, sure; but generic hoodrats? Please. Plus, the title is also misleading because there’s a girl on the team too. I guess Soldier Boyz and One Gurl just didn’t have the same ring to it.

Whatever the flick lacks in the probability department, it makes up for in the earnestness of Dudikoff’s performance. He really gives it his all and does a helluva job here. As misguided as most of the movie is, Dudikoff gives it some gravitas at least.

Despite the highly unlikely set-up, a good movie could’ve been made from this material. Often times, the flick plays like an OK first draft of a potentially good film. Maybe if they beefed up the villain a bit more and actually worked to make the gang members likeable; it could’ve worked.

Then again, since Louis (The Hitcher 2) Morneau, was in the director’s chair, the flick probably never stood a chance. Although there is quite a lot of gunfire and explosions; most of the action is routine and the finale is weak. The flick also loses major points for giving guys like Cary Hiroyuki Tagawa and Don Stroud (who wears an eye patch) virtually nothing worthwhile to do.

The flick is at its best during the scenes where Dudikoff whips his team in shape. It’s here where you can see glimpses of a decent movie trying to get out. Once Dudikoff and his “Boyz” start soldiering, it’s not much to write home about.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: PLATOON LEADER (1988) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

There was a time when the DTV action market was filled with low budget Nam actioners in the wake of Rambo and Platoon.  With Platoon Leader, you can relive that short, but memorable era of home video entertainment. 

As far as Namsploitation flicks go, this one is OK.  It was produced by Cannon and stars Michael (American Ninja) Dudikoff as a green lieutenant who is sent to Nam to whip a platoon of soldiers into shape.  The disillusioned, weary grunts have been in the shit for months and resent their wet behind the ears superior who’s never seen combat.  He eventually learns what his men know all too well:  War is hell. 

Aaron Norris directs (in a rare outing in which his brother Chuck isn’t the star) with a workmanlike competence.  He does a better job directing the various gunfire battles and explosions than he does with the drama, but I guess that’s to be expected.  While Platoon Leader is certainly watchable, it’s honestly nothing we haven’t seen before, and done better I might add.  

At least the performances are pretty good.  Dudikoff is fine in the lead, even if his major character trait is to be constantly wrong about everything.  William Smith shows up for a little bit as his superior who sends him into battle without sufficient firepower or man support.  Robert F. Lyons is also solid as Dudikoff’s second in command who dutifully follows him into battle.  The rest of the grunts are the usual assortment of cliches and interchangeable soldier characters that are usually found in these sorts of things. 

If you’re a war movie buff, you probably won’t mind the cliched plot and characters, so you’ll probably enjoy it more than I did.  As a Dudikoff fan, I’d say it makes for an evening of perfectly agreeable entertainment.  It’s just that it’s more than a tad generic and nearly just as forgettable. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: BIG CITY BLUES (1998) ½ *

FORMAT:  DVD

Sigh.  Big City Blues is one of those Tarantino knockoffs that were so prevalent in the late ‘90s.  As such, it features vignettes of interconnected criminal characters.  There are scenes of hitmen talking about movies and making long speeches (one is about “celestial roulette”) before they kill their target, people scoring drugs, and hookers that yammer on and on. 

It's sad that Burt Reynolds never got to be in a Tarantino movie.  (He was supposed to be in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, but passed away before filming began.)  I guess crap like this is probably the closest we’ll get, but it’s kind of depressing to see him in a Sam’s Choice/Great Value/Dr. Perky version of Pulp Fiction.  His bored, grumpy hitman character talks about Clint Eastwood and gives long monologues, but the scripting is amateurish, and the direction is borderline pathetic.  William Forsythe (who was also in the much better Strike Force with Burt) plays his partner in crime, and even he looks tired and ashamed.  Arye Gross and Giancarlo Esposito are on hand as a pair of trans individuals who want to get money for a sex reassignment surgery.   Don’t think this is a win for inclusion as their characters are one-note and feel like they were only there to cash in on To Wong Foo.  And don’t even get me started on the dumb comedy bits (like a hooker jerking off a client who gets off from singing “Old MacDonald Had a Farm”) and the lame fantasy scenes (like a party where everyone dresses up in frog costumes). 

The script rips off Pulp Fiction right down to the scene where characters are kidnapped by creepy, perverted, would-be rapists.  This time, instead of rednecks, it’s kinky Satanists.  I’ve lived a long time and I’ve seen a lot of things, but I didn’t need to see Burt Reynolds strapped to a torture rack and wearing a studded S & M leather thong. 

When the characters finally come together, it’s anticlimactic and not nearly worth all the trouble.  Plus, to add insult to injury, Burt gets one of the worst death scenes on record.  If it wasn’t for Georgina Cates’ lengthy third act nude scene, it would’ve been totally worthless. 

The worst thing about it is the awful cinematography.  Many scenes are dimly lit to the point that it’s hard to see much of anything.  Others are awash in a dark blue hue.  I know the movie is called Big City Blues. but they could’ve picked a lighter shade.  It might’ve at least been easier to see. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: BOUNTY HUNTERS 2: HARDBALL (2001) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

Director George Erschbamer reteamed with stars Michael Dudikoff and Lisa Howard for this entertaining sequel.  Now, the two rival bounty hunters Jersey and B.B. have gone into business with each other.  Not only that, but they’re dating and have even moved in together.  However, juggling work and a relationship has gotten the best of them, so they decide to split up.  Meanwhile, a kingpin played by Tony Curtis (!) gives his hotheaded underling (Steve Bacic) one week to kill Jersey, which naturally results in a lot of fistfights, chase scenes, and explosions. 

Dudikoff and Howard’s easy chemistry carries over quite seamlessly into this more or less immediate sequel.  It’s kind of a shame they didn’t make more movies together.  Curtis (who alternately shows up wearing a bad wig or an even worse hat) is only in a few brief scenes, but it’s always amusing seeing him turn up in something like this.  Bacic is kind of annoying as the upstart wannabe gangster, but that kind of works to his advantage. 

Whenever the pace threatens to flag or the plot looks like it’s going around in circles, Erschbamer tosses in a solid fight sequence or a memorable death (my favorite was the harpoon gun scene) to keep the movie’s head above water.  The highlight is a fight scene at a car wash which plays as a slight reworking of the chop shop fight in the first film.  Instead of all the mechanics knowing Kung Fu, all the car wash attendants are beefy Mafia thugs.  There’s also plenty of humor like the funny scene where Howard winds up dressed like a dominatrix and the faux-Spaghetti Western opening.  Overall, Bounty Hunters 2:  Hardball is just as good, if not better than its predecessor. 

The angry police captain (Claire Riley) gets the best line of the movie when she tells Dudikoff, “This is America!  The bad guys have more rights than you do!”

AKA:  Hardball.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: BOUNTY HUNTERS (1997) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

After directing Lorenzo Lamas in three classic Snakeeater movies, George Erschbamer teamed up with Michael Dudikoff for a pair of pretty fun Bounty Hunters films. 

Dudikoff plays a down and out cigar smoking bounty hunter named Jersey.  Lisa Howard is his tough talking, high kicking rival, B.B.  While fighting over a high dollar fugitive, they stumble upon a hooker who witnessed a Mob hit.  Jersey reluctantly agrees to lend her a hand when the mobsters kidnap his young sidekick. 

Bounty Hunters is a pleasant, if a tad forgettable affair.  It doesn’t take itself too seriously, which is refreshing.  It’s the kind of movie where the hero finds himself in a chop shop where all the mechanics seem to know Kung Fu.  That right there should be the litmus test of whether you will enjoy it or not.  It all adds up to a bunch of empty calories, but it’s amusing more often than not even if it leans toward the disposable side. 

Dudikoff does a fine job in the lead.  He fares well playing a looser, funnier version of his typical screen persona.  I liked the running gag where he rigs up an extensive collection of booby traps in his home to ward off disgruntled collars.  Of course, this naturally comes in handy when the Mob sends their goons after you.  Howard is solid too as his counterpart who is more than capable of delivering an ass whooping.  They both seem to be having fun playing off one another, and there is a sizeable amount of chemistry between them.

My favorite moment though was when Dudikoff goes into a video store that prominently features posters for Erschbamer’s Snakeeater 2 and even Ilsa, She-Wolf of the SS!  Now that’s my kind of place!  There’s also a funny moment where Dudikoff inadvertently winds up on the set of a sci-fi sex flick.  I wish this sequence had more of a payoff, but I’m still glad it exists.  I guess the same can be said for the entire film.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: BLOODSUCKING FREAKS (1976) ****

FORMAT:  4K UHD

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on July 17th, 2007)

BLOODSUCKING FREAKS  (1976)  ****

Director Joel M. (Night of the Zombies) Reed’s masterpiece is still as jaw dropping now as it was when it was first released.  It features extreme nudity, gore, and healthy doses of S & M, proving once again, that they just don’t make ‘em like they used to.  

The plot has the Great Sardu, (Seamus O’Brien) and his little Latino midget Ralphus (Luis de Jesus) putting on an Off-Broadway torture show.  The first night he crushes a woman’s skull and cuts off another girl’s hand.  Ralphus finishes the act by cutting out her eyeball and eating it.  When a hoity toity theater critic is left unimpressed, Ralphus gets out his blow gun and kidnaps him.  Sardu tries to impress the critic by running 500 volts through a girl’s breasts before putting her to work in the bathroom, (where he says, “Her mouth will make an interesting urinal!”).  When the critic still doesn’t cotton to Sardu’s “art”, he decides to kidnap a world class ballerina and incorporate ballet (!) into the act.  They tie her up and brainwash her by having Ralphus bang cymbals nonstop.  When they give her too much hot cymbal action she passes out and they get a doctor to revive her.  In lieu of a fee, they let him torture one of Sardu’s girls.  He rips out her teeth one by one before performing “elective neurosurgery” on her, in which he drills a hole in her skull and sucks out her brains with a straw!  Pure genius.  Sardu then throws the doctor to his caged crazy women he keeps on hand to sell on the black market, and they promptly rip his heart out and rub it all over themselves.  

Meanwhile, Sardu convinces the ballerina to perform by cutting off her rival’s feet.  In the film’s best scene, he puts a woman in a guillotine and makes her hold the rope connected to the blade in her mouth.  Ralphus whips her until she screams out, letting go of the rope and the blade comes down and decapitates her.  THEN Ralphus gets himself a little head, if you know what I mean.  When the ballerina’s football player boyfriend and a crooked detective comes looking for her, all hell breaks loose.  He tries to rescue his true love, but since she’s effectively brainwashed by Sardu, she brains him with a sledgehammer.  The detective shakes down Sardu for some of his white slavery cash and since he keeps his money in the cage with all his crazed cannibalistic cuties, they kill him and break free, massacring everyone until the last shot of a cannibal chick chomping down on a severed penis hoagie.  

It’s that kind of movie folks.  

So, what did we learn from all of this?  

1.  If your uptight ballerina girlfriend wants to perform in an Off-Broadway torture show, LET HER.  

2.  When putting on an Off-Broadway torture show, you have to throw in some kind of upscale theatrics like ballet because your audience will not respond to sadism alone.  

3.  Brains CAN be sucked out from a straw.  

4.  If you don’t have a dartboard handy, a woman’s ass is an acceptable substitute.  

5.  Most importantly, if you keep a lot of cash on hand from trading women on the white slavery circuit, do NOT stash your cash in a cage full of hungry naked cannibal chicks.  Get a piggy bank instead.  

AKA:  The Incredible Torture Show.  AKA:  The House of the Screaming Virgins.  AKA:  Heritage of Caligula.  AKA:  Sardu, Master of the Screaming Virgins.  AKA:  Sardu.  AKA:  Sardu, Master of the Theatre of the Macabre.  AKA:  Heritage of Caligula:  An Orgy of Sick Minds.

QUICK THOUGHTS:

Bloodsucking Freaks (although the print Vinegar Syndrome used for their restoration retains the original title, Sardu, Master of the Screaming Virgins) has always been one of my favorite sleaze flicks of the ‘70s.  I pretty much said it all in my original review years ago.  This time around I was mostly just enjoying it yet again, as I hadn’t seen it in a while.  Taking in the wealth of T & A, gore, and of course, the wonderful performance by Luis de Jesus as Sardu’s demented eyeball-eating henchman, Ralphus, it’s about as close to Grindhouse Heaven as one can get.  This is one of those movies that start off so great that you think they won’t be able to keep up that kind of breakneck pace throughout the rest of the picture.  Somehow, it keeps all the human dartboards, guillotined head sex, and Kung Fu ballerinas coming at a steady clip.  Oh, and after owning this movie on virtually every home format known to man, I hope that this will be the last time I’ll have to upgrade it for my collection again. 

4K UHD NOTES:

While this may not be the sharpest or most impressive 4K restoration that Vinegar Syndrome has done, it’s still crisp enough to make all the blood and gore pop, not to mention pick up the stray visible boom mike here and there.  Then again, you don’t want a movie like Bloodsucking Freaks to look TOO polished or it would lose some of its scuzzy charm.  Still, it looks pretty good in all its HDR (Head Drilling Repugnance) glory. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: DANGEROUS OBSESSION (1986) ***

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LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE GUNMAN (2004) **

FORMAT:  DVD

A rash of kidnappings and child murders wreak havoc on Austin, Texas.  A masked vigilante takes matters into his own hands and starts cleaning up the streets by going around and blowing away pedophiles and sex offenders.  Widowed cop Sean Patrick (The Boondock Saints) Flanery is on the case but gets saddled with a rookie partner (Chasing Amy’s Joey Lauren Adams), which cramps his style.  Since Flanery’s wife was slain by the killer, one question remains:  Will he catch the vigilante, or will he leave him alone to do his thing?

The Gunman comes to us from Daniel Millican, the same director of our last Let’s Get Physical movie, Striking Range.  It even features two of the same cast members, Tom Wright as Flanery’s captain and Jeff Speakman as a self-defense instructor.  (Boy, I thought Speakman was wasted in Striking Range, but he is given zilch to do here.)  We also have Mimi Rogers as Flanery’s kid’s godmother.  Add in Young Indiana Jones, and you have yourself a pretty decent cast.

While Striking Range was lightweight and fun, The Gunman is heavy-handed and leaden.  It doesn’t help that it contains some difficult subject matter for what is for all intents and purposes, a standard issue police procedural thriller.  (The synopsis on the back of the DVD sleeve sets it up to be another bland thriller and mentions nothing about child murderers and pedophiles.)  I commend Millican and his team for trying to tackle mature themes inside the context of a typical potboiler, but that doesn’t mean it works.  The fact that the identity of the vigilante is predictable (it’s one of those “the least likely suspect is the killer” deals) doesn’t do it any favors.  Plus, there are long stretches that feel like a Lifetime Movie.  Maybe it could’ve survived these obstacles, but the wuss rock soundtrack is the straw that broke the camel’s back.  Imagine Nickelback… but worse.   

AKA:  A Promise Kept.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: STRIKING RANGE (2006) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Lou Diamond Phillips stars as the head of a team of mercenaries who are hired to protect a billionaire whose unstable scientist son just invented a newfangled laser beam.  Naturally, bad dudes led by Jeff Speakman want to get their hands on it too.  Complicating matters is the sudden appearance of a pesky Ninja who seems hellbent on sabotaging the mission.

Lou was pretty good in this.  Maybe not up to snuff with his hilarious turn in The Big Hit but he definitely brought personality and humor to what otherwise could’ve been a generic role.  (The scene where he nonchalantly realizes he’s on fire was kind of funny.)  I also liked the banter between Lou and his right-hand man Tom Wright while on the job.  It felt loose and casual; like it could’ve been spoken by a couple of dudes at the water cooler in an office or while toting guns on a mission. 

I was a little worried at the outset as the opening action scene had some unnecessary shaky-cam, which was more or less the norm in the early aughts.  Fortunately, that all died down as the movie progressed.  We also get a really chintzy title sequence made to look like a computer dossier filled with whistles and screeches like they were still running on dial-up.  Not to mention the really lame bullet time effects.  (I did kind of like the cheesy CGI death at the end though.)

In addition to Phillips, we have Yancy (Hard Target) Butler who isn’t too shabby as his ex who is less than thrilled to be working with him again.  Speakman is kind of reserved (both in terms of performance and his Kung Fu skills), but he gets some funny lines.  Wright lends solid support as well. 

Writer/director Daniel Millican brings a little flair to the proceedings.  The little touches of humor bode well too.  It’s just a shame that the middle section (set in an office building) really drags.  The plot twist involving the mysterious motorcycle-riding Ninja wasn’t really necessary either.  However, for every bit that didn’t click, there was something amusing or entertaining, so it wasn’t a bad trade off. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SPECIAL FORCES (2003) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Special Forces is yet another entry in the generic, but mostly entertaining “American Heroes” line of action flicks from Nu Image.  It might not look like much on the surface, but it’s a cinematically important film as it was the first pairing of director Isaac Florentine and DTV martial artist extraordinaire, Scott Adkins.  Although Adkins only has a supporting role, his scenes are easily the best in the movie. 

A journalist is kidnapped by a crazed Eastern European general who will execute her if America doesn’t release his terrorist buddies.  America has other plans though:  Send in Marshall (Road House) Teague and his team of Special Forces soldiers to kick the general’s ass.  Since this nefarious villain was also responsible for killing Teague’s platoon in Bosnia, he figures it’s time for a little payback.  Adkins is a rogue SAS soldier who also has his sights set on revenge who joins the team. 

Like most of these American Heroes movies, much of Special Forces is bland and by-the-numbers.  Thankfully, whenever Adkins is on screen, the movie comes to life.  You can tell Florentine is excited too because the camerawork and editing for his martial arts scenes have a lot more spark than Teague’s military grunt shootouts.  In fact, it’s almost like Adkins came out of an entirely different movie.  (And frankly, a much better one.)  His fights have a Hong Kong type of flair to them that is the perfect antidote to the otherwise competent, but forgettable action sequences elsewhere in the picture. 

I’m not saying Teague is bad in the lead.  He could only do so much with what they gave him.  Fred Olen Ray regular Tim Abell kind of gets lost in the shuffle too as Teague’s right-hand man.  However, when Adkins is onscreen, he blows everyone else away.  

Adkins and Florentine went on to work with each other a whopping seven more times.

AKA:  Special Forces USA.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: MOVING TARGET (1997) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Now I know what you’re going to say:  Mitch, didn’t you already review Moving Target for this column a few weeks ago?  Well… yes, I did, but this is a completely different Moving Target.  Don “The Dragon” Wilson was the moving target in the other film.  In this one, it’s Michael Dudikoff.  So, you see… they’re two totally different moving targets. 

Dudikoff plays a down and out bounty hunter named Sonny who gets hired by Russian immigrants to find their criminal son.  When the dude is killed in his custody, the police charge Sonny with murder.  Making things even more precarious is the fact his quarry was the favorite nephew of a Russian Mob boss.  Now Sonny must clear his name to keep the cops AND the Mob off his back. 

Dudikoff is solid here.  He plays more of a schlub than usual, but he seems to be having fun.  The supporting cast includes Michelle (Waxwork) Johnson, who makes an impression as his pregnant wife, and Lando himself, Billy Dee Williams, who is pretty good too as his cop buddy. 

The first act is a similar to The Hunter with Steve McQueen.  (Dudikoff even dresses like McQueen’s character from that movie.)  The opening in which he collars a fugitive is a lot of fun.  It involves a dominatrix, a rooftop fight, and a guy getting hit with a dumbbell and flying out a three-story window.  These moments are quite enjoyable.  It’s only when the main plot takes hold does the film begin to lose its spark.  Director Damian (Gnaw:  Food of the Gods 2) Lee does a decent job on the action (there’s a snowmobile chase), but if being completely honest, I missed the freewheeling feel of the early scenes.  We still get a fun bit where hitmen on motorcycles interrupt Johnson’s Lemaze class in the third act though, which is appreciated, although it's not quite enough to send this into *** territory. 

SMUT WITHOUT SMUT: SATANIC HORROR NITE (2021) ***

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

After watching the three uncut versions of the Satanic horror-themed pornos on the disc, I decided to backtrack and watch the main feature, Smut Without Smut:  Satanic Horror Nite.  It’s a mixtape that sort of preserves the drive-in experience.  The sticking point is that all the hardcore footage has been cut out of the features.  Remember Grindhouse and the “Missing Reel” gag?  It’s kind of like that, but with way more stuff missing. 

Things kick off with a “Seven Minutes to Showtime” drive-in interstitial.  We then get concession stand ads, local commercials, and trailers (like Fanny Hill Meets the Horny Witch).  Afterwards, the “movie” begins. 

In Hotter Than Hell (a film sadly not included in full on the disc), Satan (who looks like he skinned several Muppets for his costume) learns he’s behind on his numbers, so he sends his sons to Earth to start corrupting women.  I don’t know if the complete version can live up to the clips, but what I saw was highly entertaining.  I might have to seek it out at some point.  It was nice seeing Satans Lust’s Judy Angel (who died the year before the film was released) turning up in a bubble bath and saying, “He was like a worn-out ball player.  Three strikes and he’s out!”

Next up is a condensed version of Sacrilege.  It hits all the highlights you’d hope for, from the cheesy dialogue to the scenes of the naked witch meowing like a cat.  Even though there’s no hardcore footage, we still get plenty of nudity. 

Then we have a truncated edition of a film called Sexual Awareness that begins with a cool tarot card title sequence.  Two doofuses in white robes initiate a naked chick into their Satanic cult.  They then lure members of a throuple to their (I’m guessing) doom.  After a fine set-up, this one ends in an abrupt and anticlimactic manner.  I don’t know if I really want to see the full version of this one, but the opening is fun. 

Afterwards, it’s intermission time!  We are treated to more concession stand ads and commercials, complete with some near subliminal snippets from the features. 

Then, it’s back to the smutless smut with an abbreviated versions of The Devil Inside Her and Satans Lust.  The editors do an especially good job at condensing the plot of The Devil Inside Her to the bare (no pun intended) essentials.  It also goes to show how much stronger the film is compared to the other movies in the collection as it plays like gangbusters even without all the fucking, sucking, and pissing. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SATANS LUST (1971) ***

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LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE DEVIL INSIDE HER (1977) ****

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

A farmer (Director Zebedy Colt) catches his virginal daughter Faith (Terri Hall) cavorting around with Joseph (Dean Tait), the handsome farmhand, and he promptly strips and whips her.  When her sister, Hope (Jody Maxwell) learns Faith is in love with Joseph, it sends her into a tizzy because she loves him too.  Hope then offers up her soul to the Devil so she can be with him.  The Devil (Rod DuMont) shows up… that is to say… a naked guy in Gene Simmons KISS make-up shows up and jerks off, which makes him turn into Joseph.  He then rapes Faith and tells her she belongs to him.  Not to be outdone, Hope goes to see a witch (Renee Sanz) to make a love potion to turn Joseph into her slave.  Naturally, the main ingredient is cum, and since there are no men around to milk, the witch turns her pet bird into a man (!) and makes Hope suck him off! 

The Devil then goes around possessing various characters (they appear wearing unsubtle black eye make-up, so the audience knows they’re possessed) and bangs them while Gregorian chanting plays on the soundtrack.  Hope gets so horny she fucks an ear of corn, a squash, and a carrot (the latter two she takes at the same time) in a vegan fuck-fest for one.  It all ends with a witches’ orgy in which Annie Sprinkle gets… uh… sprinkled on. 

You know you have a wild one on your hands when the movie stops dead in its tracks for a mother to do a hymen check on her daughter. 

In short… WOW. 

Moral of the story:  No matter what your religious beliefs are, the Devil will find a way to fuck the bejesus out of your Hope and Faith. 

AKA:  The Devil and Her.  AKA:  The Devil Within Her.