DEATH RIDE TO OSAKA (1983) ** ½

American girls with dreams of stardom in their eyes are lured to a Tokyo nightclub with the promise of a job opportunity.  When they get there, they are dismayed to learn that they have actually been hired as what are essentially glorified prostitutes.  One such girl is Jennifer Jason-Leigh, a mousy, naïve waitress who’s an aspiring singer that eagerly signs up to be the club’s main attraction.  Once she figures out what’s going on, she tries  to escape before the Yakuza who runs the club have her killed.    

Jennifer Jason-Leigh gives a good performance as the likeable and shy heroine.  Ann Jillian (the same year as her saucy turn in Mr. Mom) is equally fine as the most experienced girl at the club who does a sultry dance number.  Speaking of Mr. Mom, Carolyn Seymour also shows up as the icy female head of the operation.  Mako and Soon-Tek Oh are also around to lend their considerable talents. 

Director Jonathan Kaplan has pretty much made a career out of telling stories about women being assaulted and/or imprisoned as he also did The Accused, Brokedown Palace, and Reform School Girl.  This was originally a TV movie (you can tell because Ann Jillian gets “Guest Star” billing), but I saw the spicy international version that has a little bit of skin.  These moments are really brief though as most of the nudity comes from stripteases and quick shots of women getting dressed.  Overall, the nudity isn’t plentiful enough to make this a worthwhile effort, although it does make it more memorable than your average Movie of the Week drama.    

AKA:  Girls of the White Orchid.  AKA:  Operation Osaka. 

THE STORY OF THE GUN (1991) **

The Story of the Gun seems like a mash-up of a John Woo actioner (there are shots of doves before a shootout) and a Jackie Chan comedy.  None of it really works though, mostly because the comedic shit is pretty unbearable.  The action is competently staged (I liked the scene where a guy gets thrown through a watermelon stand in slow motion) and there is a smattering of blood, although the various fight sequences and shootouts aren’t quite good enough to salvage the movie. 

The plot has Gordon Liu playing a cop who is out to bust a gunrunning ring.  The problem is that the stuff with the villain rising to power takes up too much time.  The subplot with the villain’s love triangle slows things down too.  You also have to put up with a long scene in which a nerdy chick sings karaoke that’s pretty much murder on the ears. 

As much as I love Gordon Liu, it’s kind of hard to buy him playing this type of character.  Not only that, he looks ridiculous sporting a Magnum P.I. mustache and a scraggily mullet.  I mean, look at this guy:

There’s also a weird scene in the beginning where Liu and his son take a bath together that is really uncomfortable to watch (especially when the kid comments on his dad’s “big thing”).  It’s supposed to be played for laughs, but it’s just really odd.  Maybe it’s a cultural thing and something got lost in translation.  At any rate, it just seems out of place and inappropriate.

AKA:  Guns of the Master Killer.

AT THE EARTH’S CORE (1976) **

Here’s another Edgar Rice Burroughs adaptation from Amicus starring Doug McClure.  It proved to be the final production for the company.  They sure picked a goofy flick to go out on.

Scientist Peter Cushing invents a giant manned drill and asks McClure to accompany him on an expedition under the Earth’s crust.  The machine naturally goes out of control and hurls them off course.  They eventually find themselves in a strange land run by piggish humanoids that immediately put them into slavery.  It’s then up to McClure to escape and lead a slave uprising, all the while avoiding a litany of rubbery monsters.

The scenes with the monsters are pretty good too, even if the costumes are crappy.  They look like giant parrots, rhinos, and dinosaurs.  There’s also a killer plant attack and a scene where McClure has to fight a gladiator duel with something that looks like a mutant hippo.  The shots of the pterodactyls flying around are shoddy looking too.  At least it’s slightly more fun that The Land That Time Forgot.

Cushing minces around for most of his screen time, bumbling about and muttering to himself.  He’s pretty much wasted, but McClure makes for an OK, if square hero.  The cast member who fares best is Caroline Munro, who plays the sexy slave girl love interest.  She isn’t given a whole lot to do, except for stand around, and brother, when she stands around; she’s certainly easy on the eyes. 

WE OWN THE NIGHT (2007) ***

Director James Gray reteamed with the stars of The Yards, Joaquin Phoenix and Mark Wahlberg for this gritty police drama that plays like a mash-up of Prince of the City, Goodfellas, and The Departed.  Phoenix is a sleazy nightclub owner who tries to distance himself from his family, all of whom are cops.  Since his club is a haven for drug dealers, his police captain father (Robert Duvall) wants him to keep the cops informed about what goes on there.  Phoenix, who is accustomed to his freewheeling lifestyle, refuses.  After his brother (Wahlberg) is ambushed and shot by a would-be assassin, Phoenix agrees to go undercover, inform on the dealers, and go into the witness protection program.  Eventually, he finally stops resisting and follows the family code and becomes a cop too.

We Own the Night is a solid drama filled to the brim with great performances.  It’s absorbing and entertaining, but it sometimes feels like Gray is trying to cram too many subplots into the film.  Some of the subplots work (like Phoenix’s strained relationship with a party girl played by Eva Mendes), while others feel rushed and inorganic (like Phoenix’s sudden ascension through the police ranks).  Adding to the rushed feeling is the awkward, easy-to-spot ADR that helps speed the plot along.

I’m not saying that this is a bad flick.  There are stretches here that really pack an emotional wallop.  It’s just that it feels really crammed for a two hour movie.  There’s probably a great two and a half hour version hiding in an editing bay somewhere. 

You all know me.  I mean, rarely do I wish a film was longer.  I just feel that with a little breathing room here and there that this could have been a classic.

AKA:  Undercover.

ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS: THE MOVIE (2016) *** ½

When I was a teenager, I would obsessively watch Comedy Central.  My favorite show was Mystery Science Theater 3000, but I also really enjoyed Absolutely Fabulous too.  With both series getting a recent revitalization, I decided to check out the big screen Ab Fab movie.  Usually whenever they do these updates, they come up short (especially when it’s been two decades since the show was on the air).  I’m glad to report that the ongoing adventures of Patsy (Joanna Lumley) and Edina (Jennifer Saunders) are just as funny (if not more so) as their cult TV show.

We find Edina desperately trying to make ends meet while still clinging to her lavish lifestyle of excess.  When an opportunity to do PR for Kate Moss (herself) arises, she decides to go for it.  Naturally, things go wrong.  Edina sees Kate at a party and accidentally winds up throwing her into the Thames.  Kate is presumed dead and Edina is blamed, so she and Patsy escape London and go to the South of France where they intend to marry a millionaire so they can live out the rest of their days in style.

Absolutely Fabulous:  The Movie is just the movie you would hope it to be.  Patsy and Edina, who I always felt were a female version of Raoul Duke and Dr. Gonzo, get into one outrageous situation after another, consume a lot of drugs and alcohol, and make the audience laugh.  The duo slip effortlessly back into their roles and chemistry and timing is as sharp as ever.  The endless celebrity cameos are often very funny too (I wouldn’t dream of spoiling the best ones).

This might not win over any new fans.  If you’ve never seen the show, you might be scratching your head most of the time.  However, if you’re a fan like me, this is one of the rare reunions that live up to expectations.  (And for the record, I’m loving the new season Mystery Science Theater 3000.)

AKA:  Just Awesome.

THE CHRISTMAS THAT ALMOST WASN’T (1966) **

Santa Claus (Alberto Rabagliati) is in a real pickle.  Mr. Prune (Rosanno Brazzi, who also directed), an unscrupulous millionaire, just bought his property up at the North Pole and is going to evict him on Christmas Eve if he can’t pay his rent.  Santa hires a lawyer named Sam Whipple (Paul Tripp) and together they try to find a way to save his workshop from foreclosure. 

You can probably already guess it involves teaching Mr. Prune the true meaning of Christmas. 

The Christmas That Almost Wasn’t is an Italian Christmas movie that at least has one clever modern conceit:  Even Santa Claus’ hands are tied when it comes to the courts.  The idea of Santa hiring a lawyer to help him retain the North Pole is a good one, but the actual execution leaves something to be desired.

I guess the problem is that Brazzi, who’s more known for his acting than directing (he only directed two more movies after this), just can’t make it all work.  The various musical numbers are flatly handled and a lot of the humor is way too broad and not very funny.  Brazzi himself mugs endlessly as the villainous Mr. Prune and doesn’t get any laughs in the process.

Still, as far as cheesy ‘60s Christmas movies go, you can do a heck of a lot worse.

TABOO 2 (1982) *** ½

 

After a quick recap of the events of the first movie, we find Kay Parker devastated to learn that her son, with whom she had an incestuous affair, is unable to continue the relationship.  He moves back with his father, leaving Kay all alone.  She winds up having a fling with one of her son’s classmates, played by Kevin James, and tells him all about how she seduced her son.  Since Kevin has a thing for his sister (Dorthy LeMay), it gives him the idea to make his feelings known to her.  Eventually, everyone in their household is screwing each other.

Taboo 2 is even better than its predecessor.  It’s filled with wall-to-wall sex, much more than what was found in the original.  Some of the scenes use your basic porno set-ups (like when James “returns some tools” to Parker), but there is much more of a concentration on the repercussions of incest in this one, which makes it more dramatically sound.  Not that drama is something that’s mandatory in a porno, but this is the rare XXX flick in which the plot dictates the sex and not the other way around.

LeMay is quite good in this.  Not only is she extremely sexy (she has a particularly hot scene with Eric Edwards, who plays her father), she gives a solid performance too.  I also dug the scene where she wears a T-shirt that has the word “CRACKS” on it for no apparent reason.  Kay Parker has a reduced role here, which may upset some fans of the original, but LeMay and James are so good that it more than makes up for it.  I mean James has so many scenes in this movie that I bet he was sore for a week or so after filming.

 

AKA:  Taboo 2… The Story Continues!