DARK TOWER (1989) * ½

Dark Tower is an Evil Skyscraper Movie.  There were a lot of these in the ‘80s.  I guess the most famous example is Poltergeist 3.  Why were there so many of them?  Maybe they were supposed to be cautionary tales for architects who continually build buildings higher, thereby tampering in God’s domain.  Maybe they were meant to act as scary bedtime stories for the rich folks who lived inside of them.  Whatever they were, they were rarely effective. 

Architect Jenny Agutter watches in horror as a window washer plummets to his death.  She claims he was pushed by someone or something on the scaffolding, but no one believes her; except for cop Michael Moriarty.  (Mostly because he wants to sleep with her.)  The next day, a security guard dies mysteriously in an elevator.  When Moriarty’s partner goes nuts and kills a bunch of people in the building, Moriarty goes on a quest for answers.  Along with two paranormal experts, he tries to use his long-repressed power of ESP to put a stop to the supernatural shenanigans.  

Dark Tower was a troubled production.  It was originally intended to star Roger Daltrey and Lucy Guttridge with Ken (Return of the Living Dead 2) Wiederhorn directing, but he wound up being replaced by Freddie (The Creeping Flesh) Francis.  The film’s cobbled-together nature is really apparent during the finale when Agutter is chased through the building, and her hair and wardrobe change from shot to shot. 

Speaking of which, most of the film centers around long scenes of people wandering endlessly down hallways until they are eventually picked off by the supernatural entity.  As you can probably guess, this gets tedious awfully quick.  The random appearances by Agutter’s dead, eyeless husband are almost laughable.  The zombie ghost in the finale is likewise terrible as it looks rubbery AF.  The ghost’s big scene at the end feels like it could’ve come out of a Tales from the Crypt episode.  If that was the case though, we’d only have to wait thirty minutes to see it instead of ninety. 

Moriarty has always had a weird energy about him that makes him fun to watch.  If it had anyone else in the role, Dark Tower might’ve been even more torturous to endure.  I especially liked the scenes of him mumbling to himself while doing research on his computer.  Agutter (using an American accent) is pretty much wasted, but Kevin McCarthy gets to chew the scenery late in the game as one of the paranormal experts who investigate the building. 

Francis/Weiderhorn use a lot of low-angle shots of the skyscraper to make it look ominous (and taller).  They aren’t successful.  There are so many of these establishing shots that one could build a drinking game around them.   

One interesting aspect about the movie is that it takes place in Spain.  Many films are shot there, sure, but they usually try to pretend it’s New York or something.  Because of the location, many of the supporting players have thick accents or don’t even speak English at all.  Dark Tower also earns a place in cinema history for being the only flick that was unofficially released as part of both the Curse AND Demons franchises.  That’s got to be worth SOMETHING, right? 

AKA:  Curse 5.  AKA:  Demons 7:  Inferno.

NETFLIX AND KILL: MERCY (2014) **

This is our second Stephen King adaptation this month for Netflix and Kill.  It’s one that kind of flew under my radar and went straight to DVD a few years ago.  It’s based on his short story, “Gramma” and was produced by Jason (Paranormal Activity) Blum and McG. 

Most of us have had to care for a sick and/or dying loved one as they were slowly approaching the end of their life.  I think we can all sympathize with the family in this movie.  They take Gramma out of the nursing home in hopes she’ll die peacefully at home.  The family has to force feed her, give Gramma her shots, and hold her down when she has her fits.  It’s especially hard on the children, but then again, children sometimes are a lot more resilient than you’d expect.  This aspect of the movie works.  As a horror flick though, it ain’t much.   

There wasn’t a whole lot to the short story, and the stuff the filmmakers have added to pad out the narrative is muddled at best.  Pacts with the devil, imaginary ghost friends, mysterious deaths, hounds from Hell, and family curses are all thrown into the mix in an effort to add some scares to the proceedings.  It never really gels, but at least the performances by Frances O’Connor and Dylan McDermott are solid. 

Although none of the horror elements came together in any kind of meaningful way, I didn’t hate it or anything.  Well, until the end that is.  That’s where the movie really shits the bed.  (Just like Gramma, I suppose.)  It’s almost borderline incomprehensible, which is a shame because the opening act had a lot of promise. 

Part of the fun of watching all of these Netflix movies this October has been seeing various plot elements overlapping from film to film.  Like The Devil’s Candy, it’s a family-oriented horror flick.  Like The Devil’s Candy, the family stuff works better than the horror.  Like The Devil’s Candy, it’s only 79 minutes long, but it feels much longer.  It’s also similar to Late Phases as it’s about a guy dealing with a loved one as they enter the last stages of their life.

STEWARDESS SCHOOL (1986) **

In the '80s, it was a rule that all comedies had to have the word “School” or “Academy” in the title.  As far as these movies go, Stewardess School isn't bad.  That is to say, it has about one funny gag for every four or five groaners.

Two flight school dropouts go to stewardess school to meet girls.  Naturally, the assorted group of oddballs and misfits (who are essential to any ‘80s comedy that have the word “School” or “Academy” in the title) get hired to work for a slumping airline.  On their first flight, they have to work together to save the passengers from a mad bomber.

The cast is a good mix of TV vets and character actors.  We have Happy Days’ Donnie Most (billed here as “Donald” Most, which shows he was trying to be taken seriously as an actor), Sherman Hemsley, Judy Landers, Sandhal Bergman, Wendie Jo Sperber, and Corrine Bohrer.  Although some of those names may not sound familiar, I’m sure you’ll recognize their faces.

I’ll admit, a lot of this is just plain dumb.  Some of the humor is like someone made a filmed version of a slightly dirty joke you heard in the third grade.  Very few of them are funny.  The blind jokes that dominate the third act are especially gratuitous.

This is the kind of movie that would look right at home at 2:00 AM on cable.  There isn’t enough nudity here to really qualify it as a Skinamax movie though.  There’s a coed shower scene and a brief striptease, but that’s about it.  With a few edits, it would be perfect fodder for Up All Night.  

NETFLIX AND KILL: LATE PHASES (2014) ** ½

Continuing the theme from our last Netflix and Kill movie, The Devil’s Candy, here’s another Ethan Embry flick.  Although that film left me cold, I still enjoyed his performance immensely.  I’m glad to report that he doesn’t disappoint in Late Phases.   

Nick (Stake Land) Damici stars as a tough-talking blind veteran who moves into a gated retirement community.  Of course, what they don’t say in the brochure is that there’s a werewolf on the prowl eating the retirees.  After the werewolf kills Damici’s dog, he prepares himself for the next encounter with the beast during the upcoming full moon. 

Imagine Silver Bullet Meets Bubba Ho-Tep and that might give you an idea as to what to expect.  Like Bubba Ho-Tep, it’s a pretty absurd premise, but it’s played more or less seriously.  Tone is a tricky thing when you’re making a picture like this.  I’m not saying it’s entirely successful, but if they went strictly for laughs, it wouldn’t have worked at all.   

Damici’s performance helps immensely.  Made up to be several years older than he really is (not unlike Bruce Campbell in Bubba Ho-Tep) and sporting a Robert DeNiro accent, he takes command of every scene he’s in.  Even though he talks and acts tough, he has an air about him that seems genuine, and when he leaves his final voice message to his son (Embry), it’s actually kind of moving. 

There’s a good blend of CGI and practical effects when it comes to the transformation scene.  It’s a little reminiscent of Company of Wolves as the werewolf rips out of its human form’s skin.  I just wish the final werewolf make-up looked better.  The body looks OK, but the head looks like something out of a Howling sequel. 

Things get off to a crackling start with a nifty werewolf attack.  After that, the pacing sort of flags, and it takes a while for the film to gather its momentum again.  However, Damici is so good that it holds your interest, even when things begin to get bogged down.  The supporting cast is solid up and down the board.  Larry Fessenden (who also produced) has a pretty funny role as a tombstone salesman, Tom Noonan has some good moments as the local priest, Dana Ashbrook is a hoot as an unscrupulous gunmaker, Tina Louise is still looking fine as one of Damici’s neighbors, and The Last Starfighter’s Lance Guest has a couple of memorable scenes as Noonan’s assistant. 

It’s the dynamic between Damici and Embry that really resonates.  The scene of Embry trying to help his dad while simultaneously putting up with his bullshit feel sincere enough.  Honestly, the film spends too much time twiddling its thumbs in the second act, but it’s still worth watching just for Damici’s antics.  He also gets all the best lines of the movie like:  “I know more about firearms than you do about Pop Tarts!” 

AKA:  Late Phases:  Night of the Lone Wolf.  AKA:  Night of the Wolf:  Late Phases.

NETFLIX AND KILL: THE DEVIL’S CANDY (2015) **

An almost unrecognizable Ethan Embry stars as a starving artist who moves his family into an old house.  It doesn’t take long for him to start hearing voices while painting increasingly sacrilegious artwork while in the grips of frenzied creative outbursts.  There’s also the matter of the mentally disturbed guitar-playing man (Pruitt Taylor Vince) who keeps showing up unannounced whose parents (the former tenants) died in the house.   

The Devil’s Candy is better in the early scenes that explore the family dynamic of its characters.  The stuff with the long-haired, heavy-metal-loving Embry trying to balance his artwork with being a parent rings true enough.  It’s just a shame that the horror scenes are mostly a bust and not very effective to boot.   

Part of the problem is that it all seems like it’s building towards something… bigger.  When the finale finally does happen, the feeling is more like, “That’s it?” than anything.  Even at 79 minutes, it’s rather slow-moving and some scenes are almost too dark to see. 

The cast is solid though.  Embry is strong as the family man who paints in an obsessed state who fears he may be putting his art ahead of his daughter’s needs.  Vince makes an impression as the gentle, but deadly guitar player, although you wish he had more to do.  Leland Orser also has a few memorable moments as a local television evangelist.  None of their efforts really make it all worthwhile, but they are certainly better than the one-note premise deserves.

SPEEDY (1928) ***

Harold Lloyd stars as a Yankee fan who can’t seem to hold a job.  His girlfriend’s grandfather, “Pop” (Bert Woodruff) owns the last horse-drawn trolley in New York.  When he refuses to sell his company to a big competitor, they plan to sabotage his trolley.  It’s then up to Lloyd to save the trolley and the family business.   

This was Lloyd’s last silent film, and while some vignettes work better than others, it’s still a fine example of what Lloyd can do.  The scenes of Lloyd taking his best gal to Coney Island are okay, but I liked the scene where they play house inside of a moving truck more.  I also got a few laughs from the scene where Lloyd uses his baseball skills to make an orange soda and creates his own scoreboard using donuts and pretzels.   

The big scene though revolves around Lloyd’s woes as a taxi driver.  The highlight comes when he has to get Babe Ruth (playing himself) to Yankee Stadium in a hurry.  The chase sequence in the finale where he frantically drives his horse-drawn trolley through the jam-packed streets of New York is even more elaborate and is really something to see. 

Part of the charm of Speedy is you get to see how things were back in the old days.  For example, you couldn’t check the baseball scores on your phone at work.  Well, you could, but you had to call Yankee Stadium for updates.

NETFLIX AND KILL: PAY THE GHOST (2015) ***

Nicolas Cage stars as a workaholic professor whose son keeps seeing a shrouded figure at his window at night.  He takes him to a Halloween carnival and the kid asks, “Can we pay the ghost” before vanishing into the crowd.  Cage’s marriage quickly crumbles as he becomes obsessed with finding his son.  One year later, he starts hearing his son’s voice.  Pretty soon, Cage starts seeing glimpses of ghost kids everywhere.  When he sees “PAY THE GHOST” graffitied on the side of an abandoned building, he goes inside to investigate.  Maybe, just maybe, the creepy blind homeless guy inside knows what’s going on. 

Cage plays the kind of professor who uses different voices when he recites poetry and receives a round of applause from his students afterwards.  (Well, he is Nic Cage after all.)  That’s the only time he really goes over the top.  Throughout the film, he is on his A-Game and while at first glance this might seem like straight-to-DVD junk, it’s actually a solid little flick. 

Directed by Uli (Last Exit to Brooklyn) Edel, Pay the Ghost is better than you’d expect at just about every turn.  Although it’s not what you would call scary, it takes itself very seriously.  There are some over-the-top deaths reminiscent of The Omen, but for the most part, it’s about how the loss of a child tears a parent’s world apart.  Initially, I thought this was going to be kind of like a horror version of Stolen.  However, it has a decent mythology surrounding its mysterious specter and Edel delivers an occasional creepy moment. 

The finale where Cage crosses over to “the other side” to find his son is a bit like the end of Poltergeist mixed with the bridge scene from Temple of Doom.  If that doesn’t make you want to see it, nothing will.  Sure, some of the CGI effects are cheesy, but the scene where Cage encounters a cabin full of thousands of zombified children is rather effective. 

Note:  This is the second movie in my Netflix and Kill binge that featured a father and son dangling perilously above a bottomless pit to Hell.