THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #32: BLOODSUCKERS FROM OUTER SPACE (1984) ** ½

Citizens in a small farming community become blue-faced bloodsucking zombies.  A hot chick from the city cruises into town, picks up a reporter off the side of the road, and they instantly hop into bed with one another.  Once they venture back into town, they realize the situation and have to fend off attacks from the zombie bloodsuckers. 

Bloodsuckers from Outer Space reminds me of the kind of movie you would see on Commander USA’s Groovie Movies back in the day.  It’s the sort of horror comedy that with a few strategic edits would play just fine on TV on a Saturday afternoon.  It often feels like a slightly more polished version of a Troma flick.  That right there should be an effective litmus test for any potential viewer. 

The problem with the humor is that the tone is inconsistent.  Much of the time, it resembles your typical low-budget horror comedy.  Other times it veers into Airplane! territory.  (At one point a character stops and exclaims, “Damn, that incidental music is scary!”)  Some of the oddball attempts at humor are endearing (like the janitor who just refers to everyone as a “weirdo”) while others fall flat.  When it’s trying to be funny, the results are decidedly mixed.  Instead, most of the laughs it manages to get are unintentional.  Then again, that’s not such a bad thing.  I mean, at least I was laughing. 

The horror side of the horror comedy coin is just as uneven, though no less entertaining.  Although much of the extraterrestrial zombie carnage is relatively lightweight, there are still a few gore highlights.  We get blood puking, an arm is hacked off, and there’s a decapitation.  I also liked the scene where the alien zombie leader was giving a symposium to a bunch of corpses.  Plus, you’ve got to give it points for using the ending of Return of the Living Dead before Return of the Living Dead did. 

AKA:  Horror Academy 1.  AKA:  Transformer.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #31: SEX AND THE SINGLE VAMPIRE (1970) ***

John Holmes stars as a vampire named Count Spatula who hates rats, complains about his rheumatism, and bitches that he doesn’t have any fresh blood in the house.  Well, he’s in luck.  Seven friends show up to his castle and decide to have an all-out swingers’ party.  After spending lots of time merely standing around and being a voyeur, the Count eventually ties up the guys and has his way with the women. 

Holmes, in his bad grey dye job, plastic vampire fangs, and dime store Dracula cape, is funny while muttering to himself and acting like a cranky count.  (I have a feeling some of the dialogue was ad-libbed.)  He also peeps on the swingers when they’re making time, and his wild-eyed reactions garner a few laughs.  Some of his shtick wears thin by the end (like when he tries to paint a portrait of an orgy), but it’s successful more often than not.  He certainly shows that even early on in his career he had star quality.

Despite the presence of the undisputed king of porn, this is a softcore flick.  Every time it looks like it’s going to cross over into hardcore territory, it pulls back.  (There may have been a “hot” version of it at some point, but who knows?)  That said, the scenes themselves are pretty good, especially the lesbian ones. 

It’s less than an hour long, but you have to wait till the very end until Holmes gets in on the action.  Still, his five-way with the ladies of the cast serves as a fine enough capper.  Plus, the final gag is pretty funny. 

In short, Sex and the Single Vampire might not have you doubled over in laughter, but you’ll be chuckling more often than not.  It’s a lot better than many ‘70s vampire pornos and is a good showcase for Holmes’ acting chops.  It definitely doesn’t suck. 

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #30: SLEEPWALKER (1984) **

Angela (Joanna David) and her abrasive homophobic husband Richard (Nickolas Grace) attend a dinner party at the home of her friend Marion (Heather Page) and her brother Alex (Bill Douglas).  I’m not exactly sure who thought this was a good idea because all involved can barely stand each other let alone sit in close proximity to one another.  Things go from bad to worse as polite dinner conversation gives way to arguments.  Wine is consumed, tempers flare, and secrets are revealed.  After everyone goes to bed, somebody begins picking off the guests while walking in their sleep. 

Sleepwalker is only fifty minutes long.  It feels like it may have originally been intended as part of an anthology or maybe even a television pilot for a suspense show.  (Then again, it’s too gory for that.)  I know I usually advocate for shorter running times in horror movies, but this is a rare instance where some fleshing out would’ve done the film some good.  Although the dinner party sequences are rather straightforward, there is an air of tension to them that makes it work.  I think if any portion of the film needed padding out it would’ve been the stuff just before everyone goes to bed.  It seems that things become awfully rushed from that point on.  Heck, even having two more guests in the house would’ve upped the body count and spread the plot out just enough to get to at least seventy-five minutes. 

The cast is pretty good.  Grace, who looks like Tim Curry cosplaying as Gene Siskel, is the standout.  He’s a guy you really love to hate, which makes his weak death scene feel a tad underwhelming.  There are some good gory moments elsewhere, but honestly some of the “It was all a Dream” bits are pretty irritating.  The abrupt ending doesn’t do the flick any favors either. 

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #29: SACRILEGE (1988) **

Sacrilege is what you get when the master of ‘60s smut, Joe Sarno tries to make an ‘80s horror movie.  He at least knows how to get our attention.  Before the title even rolls on screen, we are treated to an excellent decapitation.  Too bad you have to wait an hour to see something that cool again. 

Twenty years later, Sara (Christine Moore), the daughter of the woman who lost her head, arrives at a fundamentalist church where her mother ministered hoping to be accepted with open arms.  The reverend brings her into the fold, and once she becomes ordained, Sara is keen to return to her home country to save the soul of her twin sister.  During her mission trip, Sara believes her evil twin is lurking near their campsite.  Eventually, people start losing their heads and it’s up to her reporter boyfriend (Kurt Sinclair) to find the killer. 

Before we get into it, I just want to state that there was no reason Sacrilege had to be two hours long.  I think if Sarno cut forty minutes out of this baby it might’ve worked.  There’s plenty to like here if you know where to look.  It’s just that at this length it becomes a real slog. 

Although Sacrilege is painfully slow-moving at times, it still very much feels like a Sarno film.  There’s not quite as much skin as you would expect from the man, but the implied lesbian love affair that blooms between Sara and Sister Naomi (Shannon McMahon), and Naomi’s interactions with Sister Barbara (Amy Brentaro) could’ve come out of one of his ‘60s movies.  Like most Sarno ventures, it tends to feel like a soap opera at times, which isn’t exactly what you’re looking for in an ‘80s horror flick. 

Unlike most of his filmography, the movie contains some awesome decapitations.  Sarno definitely knows how to film a head getting hacked off by a sickle, so there is something to be said for trying something new.  In one great scene, the killer’s aim is slightly off, which leads to a half-decapitation complete with tongue flailing.  These bits are fantastic.  It’s just a shame you have to sit through a ton of boring religious melodrama before you get to the good stuff. 

McMahon (who like most of the cast, also appeared in Roberta Findlay movies) gets the best line when she denies the theory that Sara and her sister are the same person and dismisses it as “Psychoanalytical poppycock!”

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #28: GORE WHORE (1994) ***

A down on his luck detective (Brad Debussy) is tasked with finding a missing hooker named Dawn Day (Audrey Street).  It seems she’s run off with a mysterious substance from a lab and the scientist in charge wants it back.  You see, the stuff has turned her into a zombie and in order to stay alive(ish) she must drink the blood of her customers (one of which is a woman). 

Gore Whore is a sloppy affair.  The acting isn’t very good, the video cinematography is bad, and the music is even worse.  Plus, the film often feels much longer than the sixty-nine-minute running time suggests.  However, there is a lot of wacky shit in this movie that makes it worth a look. 

The opening scene is great, and pretty much clues you in on the kind of movie you signed up for.  The titular sex worker strips for a John, handcuffs him to the bed, and then proceeds to bite his dick off and rip his throat out.  Other gory bits include another dismembered member (this one accidental), a decapitation, and a gnarly scene where a guy gets his legs sawed off.  (Hey man, you can’t say this movie doesn’t live up to its title.)  There’s also a pretty good zombie attack scene involving a speeding care that is impressive, given the (very) low budget. 

The highlight is when Street strips down in a cemetery and puts the Re-Animator-inspired formula into a dildo syringe.  She then proceeds to… uh… take her medicine if you know what I mean. 

I have a feeling that if I saw it as a teenage gorehound, the combination of nudity and gore would’ve probably made this a favorite.  Over the years, I’ve grown to have (slightly) more discerning taste.  That doesn’t mean I didn’t enjoy Gore Whore.  Check it out.  It might bring out the teenage gorehound in you. 

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #27: THE DARK POWER (1987) ***

Writer/director Phil Smoot only made two movies, this and 1985’s Alien Outlaw.  Both films starred old time cowboy star Lash LaRue.  And they say there’s no such thing as “Auteur Theory”. 

A Native American mystic dies and his house becomes a half-assed sorority for a bunch of college girls.  Unbeknownst to them, the place is actually a burial ground for ancient evil Toltec shamans.  Eventually, the shamans rise from the grave and attack the sorority girls.  Naturally, the only one who can save them is Lash LaRue. 

LaRue plays a forest ranger in this.  I’m not sure, but I don’t think his bullwhip is standard issue equipment for a forest ranger.  There’s a scene early on where Lash saves a boy from a pack of wild dogs using his trademark bullwhip that feels like something out of a Family Channel movie. 

Honestly, The Dark Power has too many moving parts.  In addition to these scenes of derring-do by Lash, you have to sit through a lot of exposition about the house and all the Native American mumbo jumbo that’s involved with it.  There’s also a lengthy a subplot about a racist sorority sister and her lousy brother who are harassing the lone black girl in the group.  Fortunately, many of the sorority girl scenes revolve around them running around in skimpy outfits, exercising, and taking bubble baths.  I particularly loved the sorority house’s rumpus room that had posters of The Godfather, The Blues Brothers, Elvira, and Star Trek:  The Motion Picture on the wall.  (Although I’m not sure if the sorority girls put them up or if they were left over from the previous owner.)

I’m not going to lie.  Things are pretty spotty for the first forty-five minutes or so.  Once the film finally finds its footing, it’s pretty damned entertaining.  The zombie shaman are goofy and overly rubbery looking, but I’ll gladly take them over the usual pasty-faced zombies any day, especially when they attack their victims with bows and arrows and tomahawks.  Even crazier is the fact that when they start doing comic relief Three Stooges-style shtick it manages to be surprisingly funny.  The gore is great too and includes an incredible face ripping scene.

The dialogue is equally superb.  There are plenty of choice lines, among them:  “Toltec sorcerers are bad dudes!”  The best line though is reserved for LaRue when he gets the drop on the zombies and says, “Feel my whip, you son of a bitch!”

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #26: WITHIN THE WOODS (2005) **

A television producer thinks he has a brilliant idea for a reality show:  Drop off five contestants to the infamous “Camp Blood” and if they can survive the night, they will win a million dollars.  They just have to avoid an actor in a clown mask who’s playing the killer.  Naturally, the real killer clown bumps off the fake Bozo and starts murdering the contestants for real. 

Within the Woods is the third installment of the Camp Blood franchise.  I’m not sure why they felt the need to eschew the traditional title route with this one.  I guess the title makes sense as the primary rule of the game is that the contestants have to stay “within the woods” to win.  Honestly, it really should’ve just been called Camp Blood 3.  (Within the Woods was also the title of the film-within-a-film from Part 2.)

No matter what the heck they called it, one thing is for sure, the series had started slowly going downhill at this point.  The “killer in a reality show” trope was still relatively new when this was released, but the seams of the subgenre were already starting to show.  It doesn’t help that it’s only a slight reworking of the theme from the previous installment.  (That one was about someone making a movie about the murders, and in this one they turn it into a TV show.)  The gore isn’t quite as good as Part 2 either.  (We get throat slashing, an eyeball is popped out, stabbing, a machete through the stomach, and a hand gets chopped off.)

I will say this one is certainly more polished looking than the two entries that preceded it.  (Although you can see a few boom mikes in a couple of scenes.)  The acting is a tad better too.  It’s not nearly as much fun though.  Still, Within the Woods is a lot better than many of the cheesy Camp Blood sequels that would follow in the next two(!) decades. 

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #25: CAMP BLOOD 2 (2000) ** ½

Tricia (Jennifer Ritchkoff) is still in the nuthouse under suspicion of being the Camp Blood killer clown.  A director (Garrett Clancy) wants to turn her story into a movie called Within the Woods and hires Tricia to be a technical advisor on the picture.  Even before cameras start rolling, a psycho in a clown mask begins bumping off members of the cast and crew.  Once the production moves to the location of the original murders, the bodies really start piling up. 

Camp Blood 2 came out a mere six months after the original, and the good news is that there is a fair amount of consistency from film to film.  (Overall, I enjoyed it about as much as the original.)  The big drawback is the overreliance of flashbacks to the original that help pad things out.  If you never saw the first flick, you could probably just skip it and start with this one and not miss anything vital.  However, if you do watch Camp Blood 1 beforehand (like I did), it will offer its own share of rewards. 

For instance, you’ll be able to appreciate the Meta approach the filmmakers brought to this installment.  I especially liked how the script from the first film was recycled for scenes of the director’s “new” movie.  He even films a scene that is right out of the original.  I also found it funny that in one scene the director negotiates with a would-be starlet to do a topless scene for the “movie” and then the next scene is her getting topless in “real life”. 

They upped the gore this time out too, which definitely helps.  The carnage includes a machete through the back, a hand getting chopped off, a machete in the mouth and out the back of the head, a machete to the brain, and a bloody throat slashing.  The standout kill comes when someone gets their eyes gored out with a broken bottle. 

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #24: CAMP BLOOD (2000) ** ½

After seeing so many Camp Blood sequels on Tubi, it was nice to finally be able to go back to the beginning and watch the film that started it all.  Well, maybe “nice” isn’t exactly the right word for it, but you catch my drift. 

Two couples head out to the woods to hike at a closed campground the locals have dubbed “Camp Blood”.  Their guide is a tough woman named Harris (Courtney Taylor) who leads them to their campsite and tells them about the legend of a killer in a clown mask that lurks in the forest.  Little do they know the real killer is hanging about with a very large machete and hacking up anyone who gets in his way. 

The film kicks off in fine fashion with a couple of birdwatchers getting busy before the clown comes around and cuts them down.  Once it settles in, it becomes a pretty generic, albeit moderately entering slasher.  The gore is kind of sparse, but we do get an okay burnt up face and a decent machete in the head gag.  There are also moments that kind of crib from/pay homage to Friday the 13th and Texas Chain Saw Massacre.  Although some of the scenes where the friends get lost in the woods tend to drag, I will say the payoff works better than expected as the twist ending provides a solid capper on the film.  The most amusing part though is sound of squeaky clown shoes on the soundtrack to signify the killer is near.  

Just about every slasher movie contains a scene where an old guy warns the characters not to go messing around in the woods.  The guy in Camp Blood has to be the most obnoxious of all time.  At least he gets what’s coming to him. 

It’s hard to believe that a low-budget slasher like Camp Blood could spawn over a dozen sequels.  Like any respectable long running franchise, the sequels got sillier as time wore on.  Fortunately, if you just want a bare bones meat and potatoes horror flick, Camp Blood will likely do the trick. 

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #23: THE BLEEDER (1983) ***

When I’m picking movies to watch for The 31 Movies of Horror-Ween, I try to mix things up a bit.  I usually like to review a couple of low-budget Shot on Video slashers and at least one foreign film.  The Bleeder checks both boxes as it’s a low-budget Shot on Video horror flick from Sweden.  As a bonus, it belongs in one of my favorite subgenres, Rock n’ Roll Horror!

A crazed killer (played by rock drummer Ake Ericksson) escapes from a mental institution and lurks around a dilapidated resort playing with baby carriages.  An all-girl rock band called Rock Cats are on their way to a gig when their bus breaks down.  They go walking into the woods looking for help and eventually come upon the abandoned hotel where the killer begins picking them off one by one. 

The video cinematography is surprisingly crisp and looks very professional.  The camera movement and POV stalking shots are pretty good too, all things considered.  It looks especially polished when you compare it to other SOV horror flicks that were being made in America around the same time, like Boardinghouse and Sledgehammer. 

I will say that for a movie about a rock n’ roll band, the music is a little disappointing.  Rock Cats only perform one song, which is odd.  I thought they'd definitely play something once they arrived at the abandoned hotel (or at least rehearse).  Then again, they kinda suck, so maybe that was for the best.  (I was surprised to learn they were an actual band called Revansch.)  Also, the score just sounds like someone playing the theme from Halloween in the wrong key.  That said, this would still make a good double feature with Jess Franco’s Killer Barbys.

Do I wish the body count was higher and/or the kills didn’t mostly occur offscreen?  Yes.  However, there are countless other SOV horror films out there that score high marks in that department.  It’s much harder to make an SOV horror flick that looks fairly close to an “actual” movie and is this good to boot.  Besides, there’s a certain purity to the form of people splitting up and being bumped off until there’s only one left to confront the killer.  Shit like this is what October was made for. 

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #22: 28 YEARS LATER: THE BONE TEMPLE (2026) *** ½

The Bone Temple picks up shortly after 28 Years Later ended with the young Spike (Alfie Williams) being picked up by a gang of tracksuit wearing zombie killers who worship their leader Jimmy (Jack O’Connell) like he was the Messiah.   Meanwhile, Dr. Kelson (Ralph Fiennes) has seen some interesting changes in the zombie “Alpha” Samson (Chi Lewis-Parry) and is trying to establish a line of communication between humans and the “Infected”. 

The Bone Temple is a lot more uneven than its predecessor, but the heights it manages to hit are awfully lofty.  Before we discuss that, let’s get into what doesn’t work.  The stuff with the “Jimmys” is pretty goofy.  I know it’s a common motif in zombie movies to have humans be more of a threat than the undead.  That doesn’t mean it exactly works.  The fact that you have such an interesting character like Spike and stick him in a blonde wig and let him more or less become a fly on the wall for much of the picture also kinda sucks. 

So, essentially that’s where my nitpicks end because the rest of the movie is aces.  The last one was more consistent, but this one absolutely rips when it finds its footing.  The scenes with Fiennes kick all kinds of ass.  His smallish role in the last film was a real highlight.  This time out, he gets tons more screen time.  The scenes where he strikes up an unlikely friendship with the hulking Samson play like a mix of the scenes of Frankenstein and the blind man in Bride of Frankenstein and the Dr. Frankenstein and Bub scenes in Day of the Dead. 

The best part about his character is that he’s a raging Duranie.  After a hard day of surviving the zombie apocalypse, our boy likes to strip down in his fallout shelter and play “Girls on Film” at full blast.  Respect. 

It gets better though.  I won’t spoil the end.  What I will say is that it culminates with Fiennes performing one of the greatest song and dance routines ever shown on the silver screen.  It won’t happen, but Fiennes should seriously be nominated for an Oscar.  I mean, he deserves it for his performance as a whole.  It’s just that he is so fucking awesome in this scene that I feel the Academy needs to take notice ASAP.  Even if he isn’t nominated, I feel confident in saying you won’t find a more memorable sequence all year.   

In fact, I kind of wish they could’ve taken all of Fiennes’ scenes from both films, edited them together, and released it as one big movie.  Oh well.  Fiennes also gets the best line of the year when he says, “Pride moves inside me like maggots in the corpse of Christ!”

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #21: 28 YEARS LATER (2025) *** ½

Nearly three decades after the zombie plague ravaged the United Kingdom, a band of survivors live off the coast in a small village in relative peace.  Jamie (Aaron Taylor-Johnson) takes his son Spike (Alfie Williams) to “The Mainland” to hunt his first zombie.  After a successful hunt, he is welcomed back to the clan and hailed as a hero.  Trouble brews when Spike ventures back to the Mainland on an unauthorized trip. 

I’ll leave the kid’s reasons for returning to the Mainland vague.  Just know that his father would not approve.  I liked that even after the zombie apocalypse, there’s still a Generation Gap.  Spike is hopelessly naïve but that’s kind of what makes him an interesting character.  The film’s theme of manhood is neat to chew on too.  Spike is performing a ritual to become a man, yet he almost immediately grows weary of his clan’s notion of manhood and sets out to do something way braver than his father would ever attempt. 

The film is almost neatly halved.  The first portion is essentially a father and son bonding during the zombie apocalypse.  (They hunt zombies instead of deer.)  The second half is a similar journey except with Spike and his mother (Jodie Comer).  This portion of the film cleverly undoes a lot of what we previously had seen and gives Spike an opportunity to look at the world through his own eyes instead of his father’s.  This half is also enlivened by the presence of Ralph Fiennes as a kooky doctor who lives among the “Infected”. 

The downside is that the film also weirdly takes a page from the Marvel Universe as it gratuitously sets up the next sequel, The Bone Temple.  It would’ve been a lot more impactful had it ended five minutes sooner on a more somber note.  The arrival of the Big Bad for the next film just feels cheesy and out of step with the rest of the picture. 

The zombie carnage is pretty good, even if their numbers are a bit sparse after 28 years.  Director Danny Boyle (returning to the franchise after sitting out in 28 Weeks Later) delivers a memorable opening scene where the zombie apocalypse occurs while a bunch of kids are in front of the tube watching Teletubbies.  The choppy editing is a little grating during the action, but it’s not nearly as bad as the shaky-cam shit from the original.  Besides, the gripes I have with 28 Years Later are few and far between, and many can be forgiven on account of the fact that the film contains the best zombie birthing scene since the Dawn of the Dead remake. 

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #20: ENTER THE DEVIL (1972) ** ½

A deputy named Jase (Dave Cass, who also wrote the script) heads into the desert looking for a missing person.  He eventually turns up inside a burned-up car.  The coroner says his wounds suggest he was crucified before he was set on fire.  Since it’s an election year, the sheriff (John Martin) wants it all swept under the rug.  Jase and a sexy doctor (Irene Kelley) do more digging, and soon, the bodies start piling up. 

Enter the Devil is a low-budget horror flick from Texas.  I’m not saying it’s great, but these kinds of regional horror movies have a look and feel that can’t be replicated no matter how hard you try.  Before what we now know as “independent cinema” came along, this is what a true indie used to look like.  It’s rough around the edges, features a no-name cast doing their darnedest, contains some unique location work, and has a handmade quality that is undeniable. 

It’s far from perfect.  I could make a laundry list about what’s “wrong” with Enter the Devil.  It suffers from too much padding.  The cinematography is often muddy.  It definitely could’ve used some gore or skin to spice things up.  However, I’m going to accentuate the positive here.  In doing so, I have to spoil the movie, so if your curiosity is piqued from this review so far, stop reading and go check it out. 

Okay, so if you can make it past some of the pokey passages and lackadaisical pacing, the end of the film is actually pretty interesting.  Our hero Jase gets Janet Leighed in the beginning of the third act, and his best friend is revealed to be part of the devil cult.  Just as the cultists are about to sacrifice the heroine, the sheriff, who has been dragging his feet the whole movie, bursts in with a bunch of deputies toting machine guns and blow the crimson robed worshippers away!  He also gets a badass line when he lights his cigar from a burning torch and says, “Maybe dynamite will put an end to all this foolishness!”

This is the equivalent of Mayor Vaughn saying, “Smile you son of a bitch!” and blowing up the Great White as he rescues Chief Brody.  The ineffectual sheriff gets his redemption.  I sort of loved it for that. 

So yeah, Enter the Devil is sure to frustrate viewers looking for something along the lines of The Devil’s Rain or Race with the Devil.  If instead you have an appetite for a quirky ‘70s oddity it should fit the bill.  Oh, and the theme song, “Green, Green, Green” is a certified banger.

AKA:  Disciples of Death.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #19: DARK WATERS (1993) ***

Elizabeth (Louise Salter) arrives at a convent located on a remote island.  It seems her dead father made regular contributions to the church, and she wants to see where his money was going.  Before long, she begins to suspect the creepy nuns may have sacrificed a friend of hers.  Elizabeth then teams up with a Sherlock Holmes-obsessed nun (Venera Simmons) to unravel the truth. 

Director Mariano Baino has the same philosophy as Dario Argento when it comes to atmosphere taking precedence over the plot.  Given a choice between a scene making sense or looking cool, he’d pick the latter every time.  I respect that.  It doesn’t always make for the most coherent moviegoing experience, but I respect that.  I can’t say it 100% “worked”.  I can say I was always entertained. I’ll admit some of the “plot” was a tad confusing.  However, I could honestly say I didn’t know where the movie was going to go next.  That’s not something you can say about dozens of other horror flicks. 

Dark Waters has a cool visual style reminiscent of other ‘90s horror films like Dance with the Devil, Cemetery Man, and Killer Tongue.  Baino also delivers some unique nightmare/freak-out imagery.  The shots of the crucified nun are atmospheric and the scene where Salter begins chowing down on a dead fish is quite memorable.  The sequences where the nuns hold their unholy sabbaths in the candlelit catacombs under the church are also appropriately moody. 

I will say that the final monster is awfully rubbery looking.  That’s probably why he’s only briefly shown.  That said, the payoff is still satisfying enough to make some of the more ambiguous passages feel justified. 

This is one of those movies where you have to turn off your rational mind to unlock the mystery.  Let your lizard brain take over and some of the more abstract breadcrumbs will begin to make sense.  If you can groove to Dark Waters’ dream logic frequency, it will sure to be a big splash. 

AKA:  Dead Waters.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #18: KEEPER (2025) **

The only Osgood Perkins film I’ve seen that I enjoyed was his last one, The Monkey.  I was hoping a little bit of that movie’s wacky momentum would carry over into his latest, Keeper.  Well, I guess the “Glass is Half Full” take is that this is, in my opinion, the second-best Osgood Perkins movie.  That is to say, it’s still not very good but it’s a lot better than something like Longlegs. 

Tatiana Maslany (who was also in The Monkey) and her boyfriend (Rossif Sutherland) go to a cabin in the woods for some R & R.  There, she eats some chocolate cake and soon begins seeing weird shit.  Is the place haunted or was the cake laced with some sort of hallucinogenic?  Or is it a bit of both?

One of the big reasons Keeper falls apart is the fact that Sutherland delivers one of the worst performances in recent memory.  He’s just a non-entity throughout the movie.  That wouldn’t be such a big deal if so much of the plot didn’t hinge on whether or not Maslany should trust him or not.  Even in the scenes where he’s supposed to be threatening or menacing, he’s just sort of…there.  Fortunately, Maslany anchors the film as best as anyone could’ve expected, given the circumstances.  She gives a good performance, but the film that surrounds her just isn’t worthy. 

Perkins does give the film plenty of atmosphere.  The cinematography during the final sequences is also quite striking.  The glass-walled cabin has a lot of personality too, which helps, especially during the scenes where Maslany is all by herself in the house. 

I don’t mind being a patient viewer on slow burn horror movies like this if my patience is eventually rewarded.  Well, there is a payoff to all the vague haunting and mysterious phenomena going on in the house.  Whether or not it was worth the wait will probably depend on the individual viewer.  Personally, I think it was a bit lackluster, but at least Perkins threw us a bone at the end.  It’s just a shame it didn’t have any meat on it. 

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #17: THE PHOTOGRAPHER (2011) *

I watched the sequel to this movie, The Photographer:  Inside the Dark Room a while back and I genuinely enjoyed it.  For whatever reason, it took me a while to circle around and check out the original.  I have a feeling that if I saw this one first, I wouldn’t have even bothered with the sequel. 

A model comes to a hotel room to pose for a geeky photographer.  She gets weirded out when he tries to rub baby oil on her and tries to leave.  Up until this point, I was totally with the movie.  However, at about the fifteen minute mark, it takes a nosedive and never recovers. 

The model mysteriously winds up on a deserted stretch of road.  Before long, a couple find themselves on the same road and have a run-in with the photographer.  It’s here where things devolve into a series of psych-out sequences.  Some play like music videos.  Others are overly artsy-fartsy. 

Of course, this winds up being one of those “It was All a Dream” deals, and the movie essentially starts over again at around the halfway point.  I was already starting to mentally check out by then.  Having to unceremoniously shift gears midway through did not help matters. 

It feels like this might’ve been one of those cases where the filmmakers made a short and then tried to expand it to feature length.  Some of the dreamy, obtuse shit might’ve worked in a short, but when you do it in a feature, your audience just feels like they’re being jerked around.  It’s a long time coming when the film eventually tries to win the audience back.  It gives us a couple of decent scenes of women in bondage including models wrapped in duct tape, bound with nipple clamps, and encased in shrink wrap.  Sadly, just when you think the movie has reclaimed its bearings, it shits the bed again. 

I guess I could also complain about the abrupt and unsatisfying ending, but hey, at least it ended. 

AKA:  The Photographer:  Inside the Mind of a Psycho.  AKA:  The Camera Killer. 

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #16: READY OR NOT: HERE I COME (2026) **

This uneven and overlong sequel to the fun Ready or Not picks up immediately where that film ended.  Samara Weaving survives the deadly game of Hide and Seek on her wedding night only to be kidnapped again by a cabal of all-powerful Satanic rich people who want to hunt her down and kill her… again.  This time they add Weaving’s estranged sister (Kathryn Newton) into the mix.  Predictably, the two bickering siblings must learn to work together in order to survive the night. 

Here I Come takes an inordinate amount of time to set up its premise, which might not have been so bad if it wasn’t just a rehash of the original.  Further hampering the film is the laborious first act which is loaded with scenes of people over explaining the “rules” of the new game.  Also, the setting, a posh country club for rich assholes, isn’t nearly as interesting or atmospheric as the castle in the first movie. 

Weaving and Newton are two of my favorite actresses working today so pairing them up should’ve been a recipe for success.  While they have their moments, it’s not exactly the pairing you’d hope it to be.  Part of the problem lies in the fact that their characters more or less hate each other.  Because of that, most of their scenes devolve into a lot of shouting about their ongoing family squabbles.  Not only do these scenes get repetitive, but they also prevent the action from gaining momentum.  Maybe they can be paired again in a better written film somewhere down the line. 

The supporting cast is pretty good though.  It includes Sarah Michelle Gellar, David Cronenberg, and Elijah Wood as various pawns in the new game.  While Wood gets some okay quips, and Gellar gets to do some Buffy-type action, Cronenberg is pretty much wasted in what is essentially an extended cameo. 

It might sound like I really have it out for this movie.  Here I Come is fine, I guess.  It’s a step down from the original that’s for sure.  The standout moment comes when someone is tossed into an industrial washing machine.  There’s also a fight between two women who are both blinded by mace that’s kinda funny.  However, the long-winded third act really takes it down a notch.  You’ll probably be ready to go before Ready or Not is over. 

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #15: DOLLY (2026) ***

Chase (Seann William Scott) and his girlfriend Macy (Fabianne Therese) go hiking in the woods where they encounter a creepy woman wearing a doll mask (Max the Impaler).  She kidnaps Macy and takes her back to her oversized dollhouse in the woods where she dresses her up and forces her to play baby doll.  When she doesn’t comply, her captor gets mad.  REAL mad. 

Dolly is a three-chord horror flick that tries to replicate the look and feel of an old school slasher, and it more or less succeeds.  It’s a slight reworking of the old Texas Chainsaw motif except with infantilism and a killer who wears a doll mask taking the place of cannibalism and a killer wearing a mask made of human skin.  (They also trade out chainsaws for shovels.)  The fact that the filmmakers keep it simple and straightforward is what makes it work so well.  There are no unnecessary characters or subplots gumming up the works.  It’s just Macy trying to elude Dolly and reunite with her boyfriend. 

I was genuinely surprised to see Scott appearing in something like this.  There’s no trace of the old Stifler here.  He does a fine job at playing a grown-up character for a change.  In fact, you’ll probably feel sorry for him most of the time.  Therese likewise puts in a solid turn and gets into her Final Girl role with spunk and fire.  It’s Max the Impaler who makes the biggest impression as Dolly.  She’s a professional wrestler that I’m unfamiliar with, but if this film is any indication she has quite a career ahead of her.  I was particularly impressed how she was able to slip in little bits of humanity into the role which prevented the character from being just another generic hulking slasher. 

No one rewrote the rules with this one.  Nor did they need to.  If you enjoy a good throwback slasher flick, you’re bound to eat this one up.  This is the kind of film where characters go hiking in the woods and discover hundreds of dolls nailed to the trees and they CONTINUE TO WALK ALONG THE PATH.  I mean they pretty much deserve what’s coming to them if you ask me. 

And here’s just a taste of what’s coming to them:  A shovel to the mouth scene (it’s a real jaw dropper), ear ripping, a hand through the chest, skull flattening, and a decapitation.  We also get an icky changing table scene as well as the craziest breastfeeding scene since Barbarian.  If that won’t entice you to watch it, I don’t know what will. 

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #14: THE DOLL OF SATAN (1969) **

Elizabeth (Erna Schurer from Scream of the Demon Lover) learns her uncle has passed away and that she is set to inherit his castle.  She arrives at the property with her boyfriend Jack (Roland Carey) and soon comes to realize her uncle might’ve been murdered.  Before long, we discover that the help is plotting to drive Elizabeth insane by using a drug so they can disinherit her. 

It’s a tale as old as time.  Or at least as old as movies themselves.  Yes, The Doll of Satan (the only film from one-and-done director Ferruccio Casapinta) is another Old Dark House movie.  They weren’t really making a lot of these things in 1969, and the proof is in the pudding.  It’s a creaky and dull murder mystery.  You know, if it wasn’t for the fact that it’s in color (the gorgeous cinematography is a huge plus) and it contains some brief (very brief) nudity, it could’ve passed for a movie from thirty years earlier.  

I’m a fan of Old Dark House mysteries, and even this one tried my patience.  The set-up takes longer than necessary and the plot plods for nearly an hour as fragments of the killers’ scheme are slowly doled out to the audience.  Once the drug takes effect and our heroine begins to experience sexual dreams/hallucinations, things perk up slightly.  However, the cheesy ending is right out of an episode of Scooby-Doo (complete with heroic canine). 

Schurer is quite good in the lead, but the movie makes a serious miscalculation by keeping her largely absent from the action in the third act.  Maybe it wouldn’t have mattered if Carey wasn’t such a dull leading man.  It also doesn’t help that the torture dungeon in the basement (which figures prominently in the poster art) barely gets any use.  Oh, and despite the title, Satan never once figures into the action.  What the hell.  Oh well, I guess you can get some laughs from the club scenes which feature some of the whitest white people dancing you’ve ever seen. 

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #13: VIRGIN SACRIFICES (1996) ***

Sal Longo goes down to the South American jungle to find a native method for preserving body parts.  He returns home with his assistant’s head in a box that miraculously can still communicate with him through telepathy.  You see, he was kept alive in a sacred mud that will preserve a man’s life forever.  The only catch is that a virgin woman must be sacrificed in the mud first.  He then sends Sal off to find four virgins to make him whole again.  Predictably, Sal’s own daughter (Laura Giglio) is a virgin too.  Will Sal be able to break the head’s control over him in time to save his daughter’s life?

This is a solid set-up for a horror movie from W.A.V.E. Productions.  While the film doesn’t stray from the company’s tried and true formula, it finds interesting variations of their trademark tropes, which should make it a real treat for fans of this sort of thing.  The death by mud bath scenes are a slight reworking of W.A.V.E.’s typical quicksand deaths.  One of these sequences leads to an enormously amusing inter-gender mud wrestling match between Longo and Tina Krause.  Another twist comes when the decapitated head uses the power of telepathy to drown its victims.  There are so many W.A.V.E. flicks that feature women being drowned by men that having them drown themselves was a unique enough touch to make it feel fresh. 

The usual W.A.V.E. suspects appear and put in fun turns.  Longo is as entertaining as ever playing the possessed papa.  Clancey McCauley is strong too as his ex-wife, Pamela Sutch is great as the leader of a pro-abstinence group, and Giglio is quite good as the virginal daughter.  It’s Tina Krause who takes the acting honors as a sassy stripper who gets the best line of the movie:  “I may have to work in a mud hole, but I don’t have to wallow with the pigs!”

Children of the ‘80s will likely get a kick out of the scene where Sal stalks a victim at a video store.  It’s fun spotting posters for movies like Inner Sanctum, Seedpeople, and Dr. Caligari on the wall.  Ah, those were the days!