A GOOD MAN (2014) **

After Force of Execution, we find Steven Seagal settling into the Goatee, Scarf, Sunglasses, and Backwards Baseball Cap phase of his career.  In fact, this was originally conceived as a sequel to Force of Execution.  Maybe that’s why the wardrobe (and even his character’s name) stayed the same.

Seagal quits the Army after women and children get killed in a U.S. drone strike.  He takes a job as a handyman in an apartment building and learns his neighbor’s brother (Victor Webster) is in deep to the Russian mob.  Naturally, his little sister is kidnapped by the bad guys and it’s up to Seagal to get her back.

Directed by Keoni Waxman (who also helmed Force of Execution), A Good Man features a surprisingly game Seagal.  He spends very little time sitting down in this one and is up and walking around a lot more than he has been of late.  He has more fighting scenes in this one as any in recent memory, the best being the ones where he uses a samurai sword.  (Is a samurai sword considered a backup piece in the Army?)

I wish “Seagal fighting more” translated into “better movie”, but it doesn’t.  Although A Good Man is fairly competent, it’s also overlong and slow going in some stretches.  There are a lot of subplots that bog things down (like the one with the mismatched cops).  If this had been 89 minutes, it might’ve been okay, but at 103, it’s just too damn long.

Victor Webster is good in an Armie Hammer kind of way.  He’s got soap opera good looks and is a little bland in his delivery, but he carries himself well enough.  The movie really needed someone like Danny Trejo to give Seagal a meaty co-star to play against.  

Seagal is more present during his acting scenes, which is nice.  Although early on, he speaks in an odd, slurred southern drawl that sounds like an elderly blues singer in a rest home for no good reason whatsoever.  (He says, “Muh-fuh-kas” a lot.)  After the opening credits, he drops the accent and begins talking normally.

One notable thing about A Good Man:  Seagal’s sex scene.  No, it’s not notable because he gets it on with a leading lady who’s a third his age.  It’s notable for its placement.  It happens at the very last scene, not halfway through the picture as with most movies.

Other than that weird touch, you’ve seen this stuff before, and done better I might add.  If the movie was a bit more incompetent, it might’ve been more fun.  Oh well, a middle of the road Steven Seagal effort is better than bottom of the barrel one. 

THE CAT AND THE CANARY (1939) ****

A group of relatives are brought together to hear the reading of a will in a mansion deep in the bayou at midnight.  Lawyer George Zucco reveals that Paulette Goddard will be the sole heir to the family fortune, which naturally puts a target on her back.  She and Bob Hope learn of a priceless necklace that happens to be on the grounds, and they decide to look for it.  The lawyer winds up murdered and Goddard fears she is next.  There also happens to be an escaped lunatic known as “The Cat” on the premises.  Is he the real killer, or is someone trying to get their hands on the necklace?

The Cat and the Canary is a spoof of Old Dark House murder-mysteries while at the same time being a sterling example of one.  There are all the usual secret passageways, paintings with eye holes cut out, and spooky housekeepers that you’d expect from something like this.  These clichés were a little mothballed even in 1939.  (Heck, the story had already been filmed three times before.)  Since the film features the dynamite team of Hope and Goddard, it’s nothing less than exhilarating.

Hope gets lots of laughs, usually while keeping his own running commentary on the action.  He has tremendous chemistry with Goddard.  They are simply electric together and whenever they’re on screen together, the picture crackles.  The supporting cast is quite good too.  George Zucco has a few nice moments as the ill-fated lawyer and Gale Sondergaard is amusing as the housekeeper who talks to the spirits.

With Hope front and center bouncing off one-liners, it’s a given that this was going to be funny.  What’s surprising about The Cat and the Canary is that the horror stuff is startlingly good.  The scenes where Goddard is being stalked by “The Cat” brim with atmosphere.  Just the shots of the creepy looking Cat lurking in the foreground is scary by itself.  The climax is genuinely hair-raising and suspenseful too.  It’s truly one of the best horror-comedies ever made.

BEYOND THE DOOR 3 (1989) ** ½

A group of college students take a trip to Yugoslavia to witness a historic passion play that predates Christianity.  Their professor (Bo Svenson, Part 2, Walking Tall) leads them to a cabin in the woods where they are almost burned alive by a crazy old witch.  They hop aboard a passing train hoping to get away.  Pretty soon, they realize the train has a life of its own.

Beyond the Door 3 has nothing to do with the other two movies in the series.  It’s kind of dull in places and doesn’t make sense in others.  Even though it’s not exactly what I’d call “good”, I’m still glad I saw it.  I’m a sucker for ‘80s unrelated sequels, especially ones with such outdated fashions and attitudes.  If it’s not the best film in the series, it’s certainly the most fun.

The gore is plentiful and helps it from being another forgettable movie with the number “3” in the title.  There are plenty of scenes of impalements, burning bodies (some that look like mannequins), decapitations, and people being cut in half.  We also get an excellent face-ripping sequence and the finale is really bonkers too.  

Some fun comes from seeing Svenson talking like Bela Lugosi (although you can spot the days his dialect coach took a day off).  Unfortunately, he disappears for a good chunk of the movie.  You can also derive a few laughs from the obvious train models that are used throughout the film.  All I’ll say is that there were a LOT of toy trains demolished during the making of the film.

AKA:  Amok Train.  AKA:  Evil Train.  AKA:  Death Train.  AKA:  Winds of Evil.  AKA:  Dark Train.

SWAMP GIRL (1971) **

Simone Griffeth stars as Janeen, a young woman raised in the Okefenokee swamp by her “Pa” (Lonnie Bower) who has isolated her from the outside world.  She meets a friendly ranger (Ferlin Husky from Hillbillys in a Haunted House) who takes a shine to her and tries to get her acquainted with society.  A pair of escaped convicts stumble upon their cabin, kill Pa, and take Janeen hostage.  It’s then up to the ranger to save her.

Griffeth was making her debut here and she immediately shows she's ready for bigger and better things.  (She’d go on to memorably star in Death Race 2000 as David Carradine’s navigator.)  Her performance is easily the best thing about the movie. She has plenty of spunk and looks quite fetching.  Husky does a decent job too, although the rest of the cast seems rather amateurish in comparison.

Director Don Davis (who had a bit part in Plan 9 from Outer Space) handles the scenes of various swamp perils like snake bites, quicksand, and gator attacks efficiently enough.  However, it’s slow going for most of the picture.  The subplot about three degenerate fishermen hunting for Janeen particularly bog things down.  The ending is contrived and coincidental too.  Had the movie ended about five minutes sooner, it probably would’ve gotten ** ½.

Despite the pokey pacing, inconsistent acting, and lame ending, I have to say that the scenes between Janeen and her “Pa” are genuinely moving.  Pa is actually a black con who rescued her from white slavery when she was very young.  Since then, he’s raised her as his own and hidden her away in the swamp.  He knows that once society finds out about them, they won't accept them.  (This is the south after all.)  Griffeth really shines in these scenes.  Too bad the rest of the movie is so standard issue.  Still, it's nice they could slip in a racial tolerance lesson in the middle of a junky exploitation item. 

THE LAZURUS EFFECT (2015) **

A group of scientists work together on a serum that can bring the dead back to life.  The experiment is a success when they bring a dog back from the dead.  When a mysterious pharmaceutical company tries to pull the plug on their funding, the scientists make one last ditch effort to duplicate the experiment.  Dr. Olivia Wilde winds up electrocuting herself in the process.  Her grieving husband, Dr. Mark Duplass uses the serum to bring her back.  Pretty soon, he realizes he shouldn’t have messed with mother nature.

We’ve seen this whole “scientists shouldn’t play God routine” hundreds of times by now.  What could’ve been a trite and routine horror movie is made bearable thanks to the great cast.  Mark Duplass, Olivia Wilde, Donald Glover, and Evan Peters make for a terrific team and they have plenty of chemistry together.  Duplass in particular is great.  The scene where he frantically tries to bring Wilde back is a standout.  YOU try telling him not to play God when he’s that crazed.

Unfortunately, even the fine acting can’t save the turgid third act.  It’s here where Wilde turns into an amalgam of Jean Grey and Carrie White, reading peoples thoughts, showing them visions of Hell, and killing them through telekinesis.  Although most of this is rather shitty, at least it features what I believe to be the first cinematic instance of death by E-Cigarette, so for that, it can’t be all that bad.

THE CLOVERFIELD PARADOX (2018) **

The Cloverfield Paradox was released Super Bowl Sunday on Netflix with little fanfare.  To my knowledge, there had been no trailers or photos of the movie (aside from a few online rumblings to its actual existence) up until then, which was a smart move because it allows the viewer to go into it completely cold.  Streaming it in the home, with zero expectations, it is a passable, albeit forgettable effort.  I’m sure that if viewers had been waiting months in anticipation to see it in the theater, it would’ve been a massive disappointment.

This is the third installment in the Cloverfield franchise.  Plot-wise, they’re only marginally related.  However, The Cloverfield Paradox keeps with the tradition of introducing an intriguing premise and then letting it circle the drain from there.

It certainly had the most promise of the three films.  The set-up is a mix of ‘60s Cold War paranoia, ‘70s energy crisis parable, and ‘80s Alien rip-off.  In the near future, the world is approaching the end of sustainable energy while inching closer to the brink of global war.  A team of multinational scientists go into space seeking a way to sustain energy by performing a particle accelerator test.  The experiment goes wrong and they wind up in a parallel dimension.  The two alternate realities soon begin fighting for supremacy, causing odd paradoxes and bizarre changes among the crew. 

In addition to Alien, there are scenes that might remind you of Event Horizon and Galaxy of Terror, just to name a few.  As the Alien rip-off subgenre goes, you can certainly do a lot worse.  Despite a few bizarre moments (most of which relate to the paradoxes that occur onboard the ship), there really isn’t a whole lot here to recommend.  Viewers hoping for any connective tissue to Cloverfield and 10 Cloverfield Lane will likely find this to be a frustrating experience.  I for one think it would’ve been better without the nods to the other films, but what do I know?  I haven’t like a Cloverfield joint yet.

The cast is better than the movie deserves.  Gugu Mbatha-Raw does a fine job as the Ripley of the piece.  She’s particularly good in the scene where she’s confronted with the possibility that her dead children are now alive in this alternate universe.  Daniel Bruhl, David Oyelow, Zhang Ziyi, and Chris O’Dowd (who gets a few funny moments) aren’t given nearly as much to do, but they hold their own, despite the weak script.

One neat touch:  In the future you can use a 3-D printer to make guns AND bagels!  Who knew?

THE FLIGHT THAT DISAPPEARED (1961) **

Passengers in Los Angeles board a plane headed to Washington, D.C.  Halfway through the flight, the plane malfunctions and it begins ascending skyward.  The passengers start passing out left and right, all except a couple of scientists who are on the verge of discovering a new “Beta Bomb”.  The crew passes out too and the scientists are unable to stop the plane as it heads for its mysterious final destination.  

Directed by Reginald (Diary of a Madman) LeBorg, The Flight That Disappeared starts off as a decent enough disaster movie before turning into something akin to a piss poor Twilight Zone episode.  The early scenes of the passengers chatting each other up and getting to know one another are perfectly fine.  LeBorg even manages to provide a modicum of atmosphere, which is commendable given the cramped quarters of the plane.  The shots of the concerned crew in the cockpit are particularly effective (even if you can see the edges of the set).

I won’t reveal what happens to the scientists when they arrive at their fog-shrouded destination.  I will say that what happens there is heavy-handed and predictable.  Had this been a half-hour episode of The Twilight Zone, it would still feel clunky.  As a feature length motion picture, it’s doubly disappointing.  Heck, even after it wraps up its endless moralizing, it continues lethargically on for another reel or so.  

This is one flight worth skipping.