PHANTOM THREAD (2017) *** ½

Paul Thomas Anderson reteamed with his There Will Be Blood star Daniel Day-Lewis for this melancholy character study of a compulsive fashion designer in the ‘50s.  This is probably Anderson’s most mannered and mature film yet, but it has a mean streak a mile wide that makes it crackle like some of his best work.  Day-Lewis delivers one of his all-time best performances, and if he is serious about retiring, he chose the perfect note to go out on.

Reynolds Woodcock (Day-Lewis) is thoroughly stuck in his ways.  When he meets a feisty waitress named Alma (Vicky Krieps), he is immediately taken with her and she quickly becomes his latest muse.  She soon learns that she must contend with Woodcock’s overbearing sister (Leslie Manville) for his affections.

The relationship between Woodcock and Alma keeps revealing new, weirder and weirder layers as the film goes along.  I particularly loved the early scene where he fits her for a dress.  She gazes at him longingly as he rattles off her measurements to his sister.  Alma is looking to him for affection and approval while Woodcock coldly reduces her to a series of numbers.  The scenes where she disrupts his precious routine leads to some hilarious banter that ranks right up there with some of Anderson’s finest dialogue.  

Phantom Thread moves at a methodical pace and is often cold and callus, but it’s filled with so much brittle humor and scathing bon mots that it never feels slow.  Whether Woodcock is belittling Alma for making “entirely too much movement” at the breakfast table or being forced to eat her awful asparagus (“Are you a special agent sent here to ruin my evening and possibly my entire life?”), their tense encounters are simultaneously gut-wrenching and hilarious.  While the film stops short of being a stone-cold classic (mostly due to its insistence to keep the audience at arm’s length the entire time), the performances, period costumes, and sizzling dialogue make it highly recommended.

MIDNIGHT COP (1988) * ½

Armin Mueller-Stahl stars as a detective investigating the death of a junkie.  He tracks down her drug dealer (Frank Stallone) and winds up falling in love with a classy prostitute (Morgan Fairchild).  The dope pusher is also entangled in a blackmail scheme with Michael York, who also happens to be a friend of Mueller-Stahl’s, which complicates matters.

If you’re a casting director looking for a hardscrabble police detective, Armin Mueller-Stahl is probably about the eighty-seventh guy you’d pick.  If you need someone to fill the role of someone’s crochety grandfather, he’d be a perfect fit.  He’s just all wrong for the part, which pretty much sinks Midnight Cop from the get-go.  (You also have to deal with a lot of scenes of him pawing and groping Fairchild, which is sure to churn your stomach.)  I did like the fact that they try to give him a lot of oddball character traits like eating pickles and listening to instrumental versions of “A Whiter Shade of Pale”.  

Mueller-Stahl’s investigation is very slow-going.  Even when something potentially cool occurs (like when he throws Stallone out of a window), it’s usually followed with a lot more inanity.  In the right hands, this could’ve been an odd septuagenarian twist on the usual private eye tropes.  Unfortunately, director Peter Patzak never makes it work.

Stallone fares well enough as the scuzzy pusher who in his big scene gives the girl a fix while she lays topless on his bed.  York does what he can, but he isn’t very convincing when he makes the switch from suave businessman to sweaty psycho.  I liked Fairchild as the sexy call girl, although I must admit she could’ve been in it more.  Had she gotten naked for her sex scenes, it might’ve given this weird and slow movie a reason to exist.  Other than that, it’s a big waste of time.

AKA:  Killing Blue.

RAILROAD TIGERS (2017) **

Jackie Chan is the leader of a team of freedom fighters who rob railroad cars during the Japanese occupation of China.  Chan and his crew take in a wounded soldier who failed to blow up a bridge controlled by the Japanese.  After he is murdered by Japanese soldiers, Jackie and his crew decide to complete the mission.

Railroad Tigers got started off on the wrong foot by including unnecessary title cards every time a new character was introduced.  It would be one thing if the title cards were reserved only for Jackie and his crew, but it seems like every blessed character gets their own introductory title card complete with annoying animation.  What’s worse is that they keep introducing characters a full half hour into the movie!

Some of the humor is a little darker than most of Chan’s stuff.  (Like the part where one of his team finds a severed foot and he sees if the shoe is his size.)  While I appreciate Chan trying to go down a bit of a darker route, none of it is really funny.  I did like the part where Chan and his crew acrobatically scale a building only to learn a ladder was there the whole time.  These little flashes of Chan’s old school magic are few and far between though.

The best moment comes near the end during the tank battle aboard the train.  This is a fun, large-scale sequence that is unfortunately oh-so-brief.  It’s a shame there wasn’t more of this level of mayhem throughout the rest of the picture.  As it stands, Railroad Tigers is an OK, but forgettable historical Chan outing.

HEADSHOT (2017) *** ½

Iko Uwais stars as an amnesiac who washes ashore.  A pretty doctor (Chelsea Islan) looks after him and tries to help him remember his past.  Before long, a vicious kingpin (Sunny Pang) sends his men looking for Uwais.

Headshot is a tough, mean, and violent action flick that is a great vehicle for Iko Uwais.  If you loved him in The Raid, you’re guaranteed to enjoy this one.  It’s full of brutal, bloody fight scenes, and contains one of Uwais’ best performances to date.

I especially liked the early scenes where Pang’s henchman went to work on a rival gang.  Besi (Very Tri Yulisman, Baseball Bat Man from The Raid 2) is an unassuming guy with glasses and Riki (Julie Estelle, Hammer Girl from The Raid 2) is a quiet woman with a scarf around her face.  They are severely underestimated by the other gang and the duo wind up mopping the floor with dozens of people without breaking a sweat.

Uwais gets an excellent fight sequence on a bus full of slaughtered passengers.  He gets doused with gasoline and must fight off a thug waving a lighter.  After narrowly beating him, along comes a guy brandishing a torch.  It’s a perfect out-of-the-frying-pan-and-into-the-fire moment, but the scene keeps finding new ways to escalate from there, which makes it a real treat.

There is also an extended assault on a police station that is very much like something out of The Raid.  First, Uwais fights a machete-wielding maniac while tied to a desk before battling a shotgun-toting killer while hiding under a series of desks, until participating in an all-out brawl with a baldheaded lunatic who gets hit with everything from telephones to typewriters to paper cutters and keeps on coming after Uwais.  This sequence alone makes Headshot Uwais’ best solo vehicle since The Raid 2.

At nearly two hours, it does run on a bit too long.  The final three fights, though more personal and ugly, lack the panache and jaw-dropping madness of the stuff found in the second act.  That is only a minor quibble as Headshot remains another must-see from Uwais.

BEYOND SKYLINE (2017) **

I watched the original Skyline a few weeks ago, if only to prepare myself for this Frank Grillo/Iko Uwais starring follow-up.  It wasn’t great or anything, but it did have a balls-out bizarre ending.  Despite the potentially badass pairing of Grillo and Uwais, Beyond Skyline is unfortunately more of the same.

Grillo is a cop who picks up his fuck-up son (Jonny Weston) from the police station.  On their way home, the city is invaded by aliens.  Grillo and his son are sucked up into the mothership and are separated.  He is then aided by a half-alien half-human soldier who helps him find his son.  

I wanted to like Beyond Skyline, but the interchangeable monster attacks, unimaginative spaceship setting, and inconsistent special effects prevents the movie from really taking off.  There are more brain-ripping tentacle aliens, but the new aliens, like the cool Ultraman-type of monster, are woefully underutilized.  Once the film shifts to the jungle, it pretty much stops on a dime.

It also takes Uwais about an hour to show up.  The fight between he and Grillo is brief and isn’t very well choreographed.  I was pleased to see Uwais’ co-star from The Raid, Yayan “Mad Dog” Ruhian appear, but unfortunately, he spends most of his time locked up.  The thrill of Grillo, Uwais, and Ruhian teaming up and squaring off against aliens is short-lived, and poorly edited and filmed to boot.  (We also get Huggy Bear himself, Antonio Fargas as a blind homeless man, although he’s pretty much wasted too.)

At one-hundred-and-seven minutes, the pacing is slow.  A Frank Grillo and Iko Uwais vs. Aliens movie shouldn’t feel so plodding, but that’s exactly what director Liam O’Donnell manages to do.

Like the original, the set-up for the sequel is a lot more interesting (it looks like it’s going to take off into a more Star Wars-influenced direction) than anything found in the rest of the movie.  I’m sure if they put that much invention into the script for this one instead of looking ahead into the future, it would’ve made for a better picture.  As it is, Beyond Skyline isn’t bad, it’s just supremely disappointing, given the talent involved.

BAD ASSES ON THE BAYOU (2015) ***

Everyone’s favorite geriatric Bad Asses, Danny Trejo and Danny Glover get an all-expenses paid vacation to Baton Rouge to see their friend Loni Love get married.  She gets kidnapped on the eve of her wedding and the police do a piss-poor job of finding her.  It’s then up to the two Bad Asses to go into action to bring her back.

The change of scenery is a nice touch.  Really, we don’t need an excuse to get Trejo and Glover back together again, but it works just as well as any.  Their chemistry is as effortless as ever and the duo get plenty of laughs while foiling bank robberies, busting up a titty bar, and beating the snot out of the bad guys.  

Like the previous entries in the Bad Ass saga, Bad Asses on the Bayou has a nice blend of humor and genuine emotion.  Trejo is equally effective sticking a redneck’s head into a deep fryer as he is imparting wisdom to Love’s bullied brother.  Glover once again steals many scenes out from under Trejo.  He’s almost as good with Trejo as he was with Mel Gibson in the Lethal Weapon movies, which is about as big of a compliment as I can give.

John Amos was an inspired addition to the team.  He plays Love’s father who joins the Bad Asses in the final act to get his daughter back from the kidnappers.  The promise of another sequel featuring the trio is teased at the end and I earnestly hope it comes sooner rather than later.

What’s amazing about this series is its consistency.  I can’t call Bad Asses on the Bayou a classic or anything, but it’s just as good as the first two.  If writer/director Craig Moss can keep cranking them out, I’ll gladly keep watching them.

Trejo gets the best line of the movie when he narrowly lands an airplane and says, “Thank you for flying Mexican Airlines!”

AKA:  Bad Ass 3:  Bad Asses on the Bayou.

THE CONDEMNED 2 (2015) ***

I watched The Condemned just because it had Stone Cold Steve Austin in it, but from what I remember, it was rather terrible.  This sequel stars Randy Orton (son of Cowboy Bob), a wrestler who was kind of after my time.  Although I’m unfamiliar with his ring experience, he makes for a decent enough leading man for a WWE DTV action sequel.

Orton plays a bounty hunter whose anxious team accidentally kills their target (Wes Studi) during a raid.  He gets two years’ probation and tries to spend his time staying out of trouble.  Naturally, he is dumbfounded when his former team members try to kill him.  As it turns out, they are all pawns in a bad guy’s scheme to pit his friends against Orton while the rich and elite place wagers on who will live and who will die.

The Condemned was set on an island prison where prisoners fought to be the last man standing.  This one couldn’t afford to film on an island, so it just features a lot of scenes of guys fighting each other in the middle of the desert.  As it turns out, the simplified premise is to the movie’s benefit as it makes for a tighter structure.

I should’ve never doubted a movie directed by Roel (Hard Target 2, The Man with the Iron Fists 2, 12 Rounds 2, Death Race 2, The Marine 2) Reine and written by Alan B. (Halloween 4, Rapid Fire, Wrong Turn) McElroy.  Admittedly, some of this is threadbare and routine, but there was one at least one scene that stands as the most hilarious/awesome/you-can’t-make-this-shit-up scenes I’ve seen in some time.  When Orton’s buddy hunts him in the desert, there’s a shot of his foot making a footprint in the sand.  Then, Orton rises out of the desert floor to jump on the guy and attack him.  

Why is this scene so hilarious?  Let us first ask a few simple questions, like:  A) How did Orton cover himself up with dirt so quickly? B) How was he able to smooth out the dirt so it looked like an even surface? C) How did he know the guy who was tracking him would walk through that very exact spot? D) How could he miraculously not have a speck of dirt on him in the very next shot?  All I can say is I live for moments like this.

I haven’t even gotten to the best part: 

Eric Roberts as Orton’s dad.  Is it weird I got a little choked up when Eric Roberts reconciled with his estranged son by joining him to take down an illegal gambling operation by brandishing a grenade launcher and blowing up their hidden fortress?  This is simply one of the greatest displays of paternal affection in cinema history.  I wish Eric Roberts was my dad.  That Emma Roberts is a lucky girl. 

The thing that makes Roberts’ role so great is that it wasn’t one of those one-day shoots that he does for most DTV movies.  This is a fairly sizable role, offering him a meaty character that has a surprisingly emotional story arc.  This is without a doubt one of Roberts’ best performances in a while. 

Folks, I didn't know I needed a WWE DTV sequel with a grenade launcher-toting Eric Roberts in my life, but here we are.