THE CONDEMNED 2 (2015) ***

I watched The Condemned just because it had Stone Cold Steve Austin in it, but from what I remember, it was rather terrible.  This sequel stars Randy Orton (son of Cowboy Bob), a wrestler who was kind of after my time.  Although I’m unfamiliar with his ring experience, he makes for a decent enough leading man for a WWE DTV action sequel.

Orton plays a bounty hunter whose anxious team accidentally kills their target (Wes Studi) during a raid.  He gets two years’ probation and tries to spend his time staying out of trouble.  Naturally, he is dumbfounded when his former team members try to kill him.  As it turns out, they are all pawns in a bad guy’s scheme to pit his friends against Orton while the rich and elite place wagers on who will live and who will die.

The Condemned was set on an island prison where prisoners fought to be the last man standing.  This one couldn’t afford to film on an island, so it just features a lot of scenes of guys fighting each other in the middle of the desert.  As it turns out, the simplified premise is to the movie’s benefit as it makes for a tighter structure.

I should’ve never doubted a movie directed by Roel (Hard Target 2, The Man with the Iron Fists 2, 12 Rounds 2, Death Race 2, The Marine 2) Reine and written by Alan B. (Halloween 4, Rapid Fire, Wrong Turn) McElroy.  Admittedly, some of this is threadbare and routine, but there was one at least one scene that stands as the most hilarious/awesome/you-can’t-make-this-shit-up scenes I’ve seen in some time.  When Orton’s buddy hunts him in the desert, there’s a shot of his foot making a footprint in the sand.  Then, Orton rises out of the desert floor to jump on the guy and attack him.  

Why is this scene so hilarious?  Let us first ask a few simple questions, like:  A) How did Orton cover himself up with dirt so quickly? B) How was he able to smooth out the dirt so it looked like an even surface? C) How did he know the guy who was tracking him would walk through that very exact spot? D) How could he miraculously not have a speck of dirt on him in the very next shot?  All I can say is I live for moments like this.

I haven’t even gotten to the best part: 

Eric Roberts as Orton’s dad.  Is it weird I got a little choked up when Eric Roberts reconciled with his estranged son by joining him to take down an illegal gambling operation by brandishing a grenade launcher and blowing up their hidden fortress?  This is simply one of the greatest displays of paternal affection in cinema history.  I wish Eric Roberts was my dad.  That Emma Roberts is a lucky girl. 

The thing that makes Roberts’ role so great is that it wasn’t one of those one-day shoots that he does for most DTV movies.  This is a fairly sizable role, offering him a meaty character that has a surprisingly emotional story arc.  This is without a doubt one of Roberts’ best performances in a while. 

Folks, I didn't know I needed a WWE DTV sequel with a grenade launcher-toting Eric Roberts in my life, but here we are.