POWER RANGERS (2017) * ½

Mighty Morphin Power Rangers were after my time.  That was my little brother’s generation’s thing.  That is to say that I am not completely oblivious to them.  I do remember when they were the hot toy that one Christmas.  I can’t say I watched an episode in its entirety, but if I did occasionally check it out, it was only for the Godzilla/Ultraman inspired fight scenes.

This one starts with a blue-skinned Bryan Cranston dying.  Next, there is an obvious bull-milking gag followed by a nauseating chase scene where the camera turns at a 360-degree angle non-stop.  Then it turns into a The Breakfast Club clone.  For about an hour I almost forgot what movie I was watching.  There were no dudes in leotards Kung Fuing men in rubber suits.  There was not a Voltron rip-off robot in sight.

After about an hour of emo bullshit, the teenagers finally come together, find some glowing stones that give them superpowers, fall down a hole, stumble upon a spaceship, and turn into Power Rangers.

The fact that they dropped the “Mighty Morphin” from the title suggests this is supposed to be more “serious”.  It’s also way too dark.  I don’t mean that it’s violent or meanspirited.  I mean it’s hard to tell what’s going on a lot of the time.  I guess they were trying to do a “grown-up” version of the Power Rangers, but did it really need to be so gloomy looking?

There is no reason on God’s green earth that a Power Rangers movie should run over two hours, but here we are.  Since it’s an origin story, they don’t get into their suits until the last half hour, and it’s a long time coming.  There’s a really lame plot device that’s meant to excuse why they can’t morph into their suits, but we all know it was to save on the costume budget. 

Once the Power Rangers finally do suit up, they get the obligatory hero shot of them walking in slow motion together.  However, this is almost immediately followed by a shot of them running.  It’s hilarious. 

Even the parts I was hoping would at least be somewhat entertaining were a huge bust.  The giant monster battle at the end is weak.  Plus, they pretty much forget about Yellow and Black Ranger during the fight, which is funny when so much of their strategy depends on teamwork.  It also doesn’t help that the movie utilizes some sub-Asylum level special effects.

The cast do what they can.  Bill Hader is amusing as the little robot helper guy and Bryan Cranston lends a little gravitas to the role of Zordon.  Elizabeth Banks still manages to be sexy beneath all that make-up as the villainous gold-eating Rita. Of the Power Rangers, the Red Ranger (Dacre Montgomery) was the only one that seemed to have a pulse.  He had a Chris Klein quality about him that was appealing. 

This reminded me a lot of the awful Fantastic Four reboot.  It’s lifeless, dull, and strips away all the fun from the property.  I mean the only really fun bit is when the original theme song kicks in, but that is instantly substituted for more generic shitty contemporary noise.   

I guess if you’re nostalgic for this shit, it might do something for you.  The uninitiated will be thoroughly unimpressed.  It’ll be enough for you to scream, “Stop!  Stop!  Power Rangers!”

Suggested Drinking Game:  Take a shot every time there is a plug for Krispy Kreme. 

THE 2018 VIDEO VACUUM AWARDS

Hello, and welcome to the ceremony announcing the prestigious 12^th Annual Video Vacuum Awards.  Naturally, that OTHER award ceremony took all my thunder by getting up SUPER early and announcing THEIR award nominations earlier this morning.  You’d think people out in Hollywood would want to get their beauty rest, but I guess not.  But I digress.  Without further ado, let’s announce the nominations for the 12^th Annual Video Vacuum Awards:

Best Picture
Ant-Man and the Wasp
Creed 2
Solo:  A Star Wars Story
Superfly
Venom

Worst Picture
China Salesman
Hellraiser:  Judgment
Hereditary
Peppermint
211

Best Director
Steven Caple, Jr. (Creed 2)
Ruben Fleischer (Venom)
Ron Howard (Solo:  A Star Wars Story)
Peyton Reed (Ant-Man and the Wasp)
Director X (Superfly)

Best Actor
Trevor Jackson (Superfly)
Michael B. Jordan (Black Panther)
Joaquin Phoenix (You Were Never Really Here)
Burt Reynolds (The Last Movie Star)
Bruce Willis (Death Wish)

Best Actress
Cate Blanchett (The House with a Clock in its Walls)
Hailee Steinfeld (Bumblebee)
Marci Miller (Children of the Corn:  Runaway)
Tessa Thompson (Creed 2)
Ariel Winter (The Last Movie Star)

Best Action Movie
Bumblebee
Death Wish
Solo:  A Star Wars Story
Superfly
Venom

Worst Action Movie
China Salesman
Black Water
The Debt Collector
Escape Plan 2:  Hades
Peppermint

Best Comic Book Movie
Ant-Man and the Wasp
Aquaman
Avengers:  Infinity War
Teen Titans Go! To the Movies
Venom

Best Sequel
Ant-Man and the Wasp
Creed 2
Pacific Rim:  Uprising
Bumblebee
Solo:  A Star Wars Story

Worst Sequel
Deep Blue Sea 2
Escape Plan 2:  Hades
Godzilla:  City on the Edge of Battle
Hellraiser:  Judgment
The Nun

Best Horror Movie
Before I Wake
The House with a Clock in its Walls
Mandy
The Meg
Mom and Dad

Worst Horror Movie
Day of the Dead:  Bloodline
Deep Blue Sea 2
Hellraiser:  Judgment
Hereditary
The Nun

Best Sci-Fi Movie
Ant-Man and the Wasp
Bumblebee
Pacific Rim:  Uprising
Ready Player One
Solo:  A Star Wars Story

Worst Sci-Fi Movie
Annihilation
The Cloverfield Paradox
Godzilla:  City on the Edge of Battle
Godzilla:  Planet of the Monsters
Mute

Best Movie Based on a TV Show
Bumblebee
The Equalizer 2
Goosebumps 2:  Haunted Halloween
Mission:  Impossible:  Fallout
Teen Titans Go! To the Movies

Best Drama
Bohemian Rhapsody
Creed 2
The Last Movie Star
The Mule
The Other Side of the Wind

Best DTV/Streaming Movie
Before I Wake
A Futile and Stupid Gesture
Kickboxer:  Retaliation
The Night Comes for Us
Puppet Master:  The Littlest Reich

Worst DTV/Streaming Movie
Black Water
China Salesman
Deep Blue Sea 2
Godzilla:  City on the Edge of Battle
Hellraiser:  Judgment

Worst DTV/Streaming Sequel
The Cloverfield Paradox
Deep Blue Sea 2
Escape Plan 2:  Hades
Godzilla:  City on the Edge of Battle
Hellraiser:  Judgment

Best Kids Movie
Goosebumps 2:  Haunted Halloween
Hotel Transylvania 3:  Summer Vacation
The House with a Clock in its Walls
Paddington 2
Teen Titans Go! To the Movies

Best Scene I Could Not Make Up
An Alien chestburster erupting out of Goro in Ready Player One
Iron Giant vs. Mechagodzilla in Ready Player One
The Trip to the Overlook Hotel in Ready Player One
The weaponization of Chucky in Ready Player One
Eric Roberts’ La La Land-inspired song and dance in Stalked by My Doctor:  Patient’s Revenge

Best Dialogue
Creed 2 for “He broke things in me that ain’t never been fixed!”
The Equalizer 2 for “I expect a 5 Star rating!”
Mandy for “You ripped my shirt!”
Mute for “I’m AWOL!  You’re an A-Hole!”
Ready Player One for “It’s fucking Chucky!”
Red Sparrow for “You sent me to whore school!”
Solo:  A Star Wars Story for “I know.”
Spider-Man:  Into the Spider-Verse for “I frolic.  I dance.  I do this in my pants!”
Superfly for “I’m not going nowhere where the j’s are silent!”
Teen Titans Go! To the Movies for “Save me from Gene Hackman’s real estate scam!”

That concludes the nominations for 2018. The winners should be announced shortly before that OTHER award show.  Tell me who you think should win in the comments below.

THE RETURN OF SUPERFLY (1990) ** ½

After the death of his friend Eddie, Priest (Nathan Purdee) returns home to the streets.  As soon as he gets off the plane, the cops instantly want him to turn snitch.  Meanwhile the new kings of the street are out to get him.  Priest then sets out to get revenge for Eddie by tainting the bad guy’s drug supply and busting up the operation from the inside out.  

By 1990, the Blaxploitation films of the ‘70s had already made a sizable impact on home video.  The Return of Superfly was an effort from Super Fly producer Sig Shore to revitalize the franchise.  It came and went with little fanfare, but it’s surprisingly enjoyable as far as seventeen-years-later sequels go.

The Return of Superfly was released at an interesting time.  It arrived shortly after the big action bonanzas of the ‘80s, but just before the wave of ‘90s African-American-led action flicks starring the likes of Wesley Snipes and Denzel Washington.  This was also a time when rap music was still mostly good (for me anyway), and you can hear guys like Tone-Loc and Ice-T on the soundtrack.  

Speaking of the soundtrack, Shore was also able to convince Curtis Mayfield to return as well.  His songs are decent for the most part, although they’re not quite up to the level of the original.  Still, they’re a nice counterbalance to the contemporary rap on the soundtrack.

I thought I’d miss seeing Ron O’Neal in the role of Priest, but Nathan Purdee does a solid job.  He has a quiet, but charismatic presence and carries the film with swagger.  He has enough machismo that when characters talk about him in awed, hushed tones, he lives up to the hype once we finally see him in action.  If the lack of O’Neal is what’s holding you back from seeing this, you really owe it to yourself to check it out.  Purdee is basically the George Lazenby of Superflies as he never got a fair shake in the role, mostly because he only got the one movie to prove his worth.

The supporting cast is a lot of fun.  The most notable is Samuel L. Jackson who plays Priest’s old pal who makes crack in coffee pots.  Tico Wells has some good moments as Priest’s militant friend who likes to blow up stuff a bit too much.  The best performance though comes from Leonard Thomas, who plays the whiny, twitchy, giggly villain.  Just hearing him whimpering and screeching uncontrollably is enough to make a lasting impression on you.

Shore’s style is about on par with your typical low budget action film of the time.  After a smashing start, things get bogged down once Priest starts pounding the pavement and shaking down various thugs and crooked cops for information.  It occasionally flirts with awesomeness but pulls back and becomes generic whenever it’s about to truly take flight (no pun intended).  There are just enough offbeat touches, violent outbursts (the bloody squib technician earned his paycheck at least) and laugh-out-loud moments here that it’s hard to completely dismiss it.  

One thing worth mentioning is that it ends on more of a hopeful note that the original did.  Too bad we never got a direct continuation from this plotline.  It would’ve been interesting to see where the series would’ve gone from here.  As it is, we at least have the excellent Superfly remake from last year (which you all slept on, by the way) to tide us over.

SNIPER: GHOST SHOOTER (2016) **

Chad Michael Collins returns for his third installment of the Sniper franchise as the son of Tom Berenger’s character in the first film.  (This is the sixth flick in the series overall.)  This time out, he’s paired with Billy Zane, who it would seem is alternating starring in Sniper sequels with Berenger now.  I’m not sure why the Sniper producers can’t get Tom and Billy in the same room at the same time, but that might be the only real reason to make another one of these things.

Zane and his team of snipers are given an assignment to protect a gas pipeline from being sabotaged by terrorists.  While on patrol, they are picked off one by one by a “ghost shooter”.  They come to suspect a mole is in their midst and have to work together to flush him out.

Directed by Don Michael Paul, a veteran of numerous DTV sequels (including the last Sniper movie, Legacy), Sniper:  Ghost Shooter is about what you’d come to expect from the series.  Paul goes from one skirmish to the other, offering up a hefty sum of sniping along the way.  It’s competently executed, but ultimately unmemorable.  (I can’t even remember who betrayed the team or why.)  

All of this is pretty interchangeable with what’s come before, but at least it’s gorier that expected.  Ghost Shooter provides the viewer with some bloody head shots and exploding bodies, which is appreciated.  I also must commend Paul for his restrained use of CGI blood during the various gunfights and sniper battles.

Zane is good, although there were times where I swore he was trying to do a Berenger impersonation.  Dennis Haysbert lends some weight to the proceedings as Zane’s boss, but he isn’t given a whole lot to do.  Collins unfortunately can’t carry the movie when either Zane or Haysbert are off screen.  Because of that, much of the middle section is sluggish.

Overall, Ghost Shooter is better than your average Sniper sequel, but not by a considerable margin. 

CARDIAC ARREST (1980) *

A serial killer is going around San Francisco cutting out people’s hearts.  A meek cop (Gary Goodrow) is on the case working every angle he can.  He thinks the murders may be linked to an organ harvesting ring and perpetually pesters a famous heart transplant doctor (Ray Reinhardt) about it.  Meanwhile, a rich woman (Susan O’Connell) in desperate need of a heart will stop at nothing to get a transplant.

I have a vivid memory of being in a video store and being scared by the video box of Cardiac Arrest as a kid.  From the box art, you’d think it was going to be a gory horror flick in the vein of Dr Butcher M.D.  However, I think this is one of those rare cases where the poster is gorier than the movie itself.  

In fact, it plays more like an overlong TV pilot for a police procedural show than the horror movie it was advertised to be.  The pacing is lethargic, the central mystery is boring, and I found myself nodding off more than a few times.  The banter between Goodrow and his partner is sometimes painful to sit through too.

The best part about the movie is seeing Fred Ward popping up in a small role.  He at least shows a spark of life, while everyone else just sort of goes through the motions.  Ward’s part is tiny, but at least he figures into the film’s climax.  I can’t guarantee you’ll make it that far though. 

In short, Cardiac Arrest is one thriller with no signs of a pulse.

BITE (2015) ***

Casey (Elma Begovich) goes to an island for her bachelorette party and is bitten by something in the water while swimming.  She returns home with a case of cold feet, a bad stomach bug, and ever-growing pus-filled sores on her bite.  Before long, she transforms into a slimy, disgusting monster, which is bound to put a damper on her wedding day.

I was a little nervous during the pre-title sequence as it was one of those Found Footage deals.  The scenes of the girls partying it up in clubs and on the beach were done shaky-cam style, which didn’t give me a lot of hope.  Thankfully, it switches over to a “real” movie shortly thereafter, with only a few snippets of the Found Footage clips used as flashbacks.  Once it settles down into its groove, Bite becomes one heck of a disgusting ride.

Begovich’s tour-de-force performance really catapults the film along.  She’s quite good in the early scenes where she’s dealing with the stresses of her upcoming nuptials, a fiancé that doesn’t quite have the same goals as her, and a royal bitch of a future mother in-law (Lawrene Denkers, in a fun performance).  As fine as she is in these scenes, Begovich really excels once the transformation takes hold, and she turns into a twitchy, wild-eyed, acid-spewing mutant.  

The ensuing Cronenbergian transformation takes some of its cues directly from his version of The Fly (right down to the fingernail scene), but that doesn’t mean it’s not effective.  Director Chad Archibald delivers the goods on all the gooey, gross, disgusting set pieces, and the third act is sure to make you squirm in your seat.  My favorite moment though was the grotesque dream sequence where Casey arrives at her baby shower and… I wouldn’t dream of spoiling it.

In addition to being a nauseating horror film, Bite also manages to be quite funny, especially once Casey’s friends react to her slimy condition.  Her interactions with her bitchy mother in-law are good for a few laughs too.  Sure, it may stumble out of the gate a bit, but by the time the showstopping FX-laden finale rolls around, I guarantee you’ll be grinning from ear to ear. 

PEPPERMINT (2018) *

If you think Peppermint is going to be Taken but with Jennifer Garner you are mistaken.  (Get it?  Ms. Taken?  Never mind.)  It’s really Soccer Mom Death Wish.  I can see why you thought that though, since it’s from the director of Taken, Pierre Morel.  However, it seems like Morel forgot everything he knew about directing revenge-fueled action movies.  I mean it’s pretty hard to screw these things up, but Pierre managed to make just about the worst revenge flick I’ve ever seen.

Garner stars as a mother whose family is murdered by the drug cartel.  She positively identifies the killers, but their lawyer tries to buy her silence.  The judge is crooked too, and the killers walk.  Knowing the system is broken, she disappears for five years and returns as an ass-kicking Lady Punisher seeking revenge.

Sounds promising, doesn’t it?  However, all this build-up leads to one big fat fizzle.  What does Garner do when she finally comes back home?  The men who killed her family are just found hanging from a Ferris wheel.  We never see what she did to them.  You’re watching a revenge picture because you want to see the satisfaction of your heroine giving the bad guys their just desserts.  Having their comeuppance occur offscreen is a gross miscalculation on the filmmakers’ part.

Also, we never see Garner’s transformation from soccer mom to badass.  It just sort of happens.  (Again, offscreen.)  It’s such a jarring change that the results are often laughable.

Man, I really wanted to like Peppermint, but it’s just so haphazardly structured and indifferently cobbled together that it’s often a chore to sit through.  The rhythms are all off.  For example, the subplot with the cops who visit Garner’s crime scenes seem to take up more screen time than the action itself.  I guess the movie tried to keep Garner out of the spotlight for much of the second half in an effort to build her up as this mythical force of nature.  Unfortunately, when she isn’t on screen, it all just grinds to a halt.  

Maybe it was the script’s fault.  Most of this is so slapdash that the plot feels more like a bunch of suggestions than an actual movie.  Much is made of the fact that Garner stopped taking anti-psychotic drugs after her family’s death.  Did the lack of prescription medicine cause her to go down the road of vengeance?  Is she truly psychotic?  Or is she merely doing what any mother would do?  We see glimpses of her dead daughter periodically throughout the film that suggests she may be psycho, but there’s no payoff or follow-through.  It’s just another half-baked, thinly-sketched revenge motif the movie brings up and then promptly casts aside in favor of another meaningless subplot.

I want to believe Garner can be a badass.  As someone who has watched Daredevil (and even Elektra) more times than he’d care to say out loud, I have to say it’s certainly possible.  It’s just that the movie is so incompetent you never believe it for a second.  It’s especially laughable when she becomes this folk hero urban legend. 

The problem is she’s just not given enough screen time to make it work.  In fact, Jen’s in this so little that it often feels like one of those Bruce Willis DTV movies where they only had him on set for a few days, so they fill in the plot with a lot of unnecessary side characters to beef up the running time.  There are times where it seems like she’s a supporting character in her own vehicle.

I haven’t even mentioned the action yet, mostly because it’s forgettable.  Only the piñata store shootout has any sort of semblance to a real action movie sequence.  Other than that admittedly crisply-filmed scene, Peppermint is totally devoid of flavor.