POWER RANGERS (2017) * ½

Mighty Morphin Power Rangers were after my time.  That was my little brother’s generation’s thing.  That is to say that I am not completely oblivious to them.  I do remember when they were the hot toy that one Christmas.  I can’t say I watched an episode in its entirety, but if I did occasionally check it out, it was only for the Godzilla/Ultraman inspired fight scenes.

This one starts with a blue-skinned Bryan Cranston dying.  Next, there is an obvious bull-milking gag followed by a nauseating chase scene where the camera turns at a 360-degree angle non-stop.  Then it turns into a The Breakfast Club clone.  For about an hour I almost forgot what movie I was watching.  There were no dudes in leotards Kung Fuing men in rubber suits.  There was not a Voltron rip-off robot in sight.

After about an hour of emo bullshit, the teenagers finally come together, find some glowing stones that give them superpowers, fall down a hole, stumble upon a spaceship, and turn into Power Rangers.

The fact that they dropped the “Mighty Morphin” from the title suggests this is supposed to be more “serious”.  It’s also way too dark.  I don’t mean that it’s violent or meanspirited.  I mean it’s hard to tell what’s going on a lot of the time.  I guess they were trying to do a “grown-up” version of the Power Rangers, but did it really need to be so gloomy looking?

There is no reason on God’s green earth that a Power Rangers movie should run over two hours, but here we are.  Since it’s an origin story, they don’t get into their suits until the last half hour, and it’s a long time coming.  There’s a really lame plot device that’s meant to excuse why they can’t morph into their suits, but we all know it was to save on the costume budget. 

Once the Power Rangers finally do suit up, they get the obligatory hero shot of them walking in slow motion together.  However, this is almost immediately followed by a shot of them running.  It’s hilarious. 

Even the parts I was hoping would at least be somewhat entertaining were a huge bust.  The giant monster battle at the end is weak.  Plus, they pretty much forget about Yellow and Black Ranger during the fight, which is funny when so much of their strategy depends on teamwork.  It also doesn’t help that the movie utilizes some sub-Asylum level special effects.

The cast do what they can.  Bill Hader is amusing as the little robot helper guy and Bryan Cranston lends a little gravitas to the role of Zordon.  Elizabeth Banks still manages to be sexy beneath all that make-up as the villainous gold-eating Rita. Of the Power Rangers, the Red Ranger (Dacre Montgomery) was the only one that seemed to have a pulse.  He had a Chris Klein quality about him that was appealing. 

This reminded me a lot of the awful Fantastic Four reboot.  It’s lifeless, dull, and strips away all the fun from the property.  I mean the only really fun bit is when the original theme song kicks in, but that is instantly substituted for more generic shitty contemporary noise.   

I guess if you’re nostalgic for this shit, it might do something for you.  The uninitiated will be thoroughly unimpressed.  It’ll be enough for you to scream, “Stop!  Stop!  Power Rangers!”

Suggested Drinking Game:  Take a shot every time there is a plug for Krispy Kreme.