THE 2019 VIDEO VACUUM TECHNICAL AWARDS

Friends of the Vacuum, the time to announce the winners of The 13^th Annual Video Vacuum Awards draws near.  Before we do so, let’s recognize the winners of The 2019 Video Vacuum Technical Awards.  These are of course given to films in which I didn’t see enough movies in a specific category to declare a true winner.  Because of that, they win on a technicality.  Hence the name.

Okay now we got that crap out of the way, the winners are…

Best Stephen King Movie
It Chapter 2

Worst Stephen King Movie
In the Tall Grass
RUNNER-UP: Pet Sematary

Best Godzilla Movie
Godzilla:  King of the Monsters

Worst Godzilla Movie
Godzilla:  The Planet Eater

Worst Action Movie
Triple Frontier

Worst Sequel
Godzilla:  The Planet Eater
RUNNER-UP:  Doctor Sleep

Worst Remake
Black Christmas
RUNNER-UP:  Pet Sematary

Best Remake
Cold Pursuit
RUNNER-UP:  Dumbo

Worst Drama
Triple Frontier
RUNNER-UP:  Trading Paint

Best Comedy
Dolemite is My Name
RUNNER-UP:  Jay and Silent Bob Reboot

Best Cursed Movie That’s Finally a Reality Movie
The Man Who Killed Don Quixote

MITCH ON THE COMEUPPANCE REVIEWS PODCAST

Recently, I was a guest on Ty and Brett’s Comeuppance Reviews podcast where we talked about our favorite Jean-Claude Van Damme movies.  It was a great talk and I had a blast doing it.  I’ve been reading Comeuppance Reviews (http://www.comeuppancereviews.net/) for probably a decade now and they are one the great sources for action movie reviews on the planet.  You can check out our discussion here: https://comeuppancereviews.podbean.com/e/jean-claude-van-ranked/ 

THE EVIL BRAIN (1961) ***

The Evil Brain was the very first El Santo movie.  It was filmed (in Cuba) back-to-back with his second feature, Santo vs. Infernal Men.  If you’re a fan of El Santo, you may be taken aback by the fact that he only has a supporting role and doesn’t participate in any wrestling matches.  While it’s obvious the filmmakers were still figuring out how to best utilize El Santo’s talents, there are many elements already present that would go on to become hallmarks of the series, namely, a mad doctor villain, long street fights with the villain’s henchmen, musical numbers (a mariachi trio goes from table to table entertaining patrons at an outdoor café), and dance routines (a trio of Mexican folk dancers do some clog dancing and play castanets in a nightclub without the benefit of musical accompaniment).  Even in a very rough form and with minimal involvement from El Santo, all of this still manages to be quite entertaining.

The film begins straightaway with El Santo (although he’s only referred to as “El Enmascarado”) battling three thugs in the street who are armed with chains, switchblades, and brass knuckles.  The bad guys eventually get the upper hand, knock El Santo out, and bring him before their boss, a mad scientist who is working on a “cell disintegration” formula.  He performs an experiment on El Santo and turns him into his mindless servant.  (“I will control his will!”)  El Santo then helps the doctor’s men kidnap various scientists and bankers that will further his nefarious plans.  It then falls to El Santo’s buddy, the masked man Incognito (Fernando Oses) to thwart the mad scientist’s plan and return El Santo back to normal.

Usually, when I watch these El Santo movies, I don’t always have the benefit of seeing a dubbed version, or one that includes English subtitles.  I’m glad my version of The Evil Brain had subtitles.  Otherwise, I would’ve missed out on some truly priceless dialogue like, “We are dealing with some well-organized delinquents!” 

Despite some gratuitous padding from the needlessly drawn-out driving scenes, The Evil Brain moves at a relatively brisk pace.  The battles with the villain’s goons are exciting and the scenes of the henchmen kidnapping scientists and tossing them into the back of their car are very much like something out of an old Republic serial.  The action highlight is when Incognito battles the mind-controlled El Santo in the doctor’s lair.  I mean if you can’t afford to show two Mexican wrestlers grappling in a wrestling ring, I guess having them duke it out in a mad scientist lab is the next best thing.  Even if it feels like the editor fell asleep during the driving scenes, the fight sequences are tightly cut together and well-choreographed.

Unlike most El Santo movies, The Evil Brain remains involving even when he’s not on screen.  The mad doctor plot is just fun enough to work on its own merits and there are a few genuinely atmospheric moments (like the scenes in the wine cellar) along the way.  While later entries would go on and perfect the Lucha Libre formula, the foundation for fun was firmly set with The Evil Brain.

AKA:  Santo vs. the Evil Brain.  AKA:  Brain of Evil.  

THE EROTIC ADVENTURES OF ZORRO (1972) **

Crooked government officials bilk the poor peasants out of their hard-earned money by forcing them to pay exorbitant taxes.  Don Diego (Douglas Frey) gets wind of their thievery and sets out to make things right.  By day, he poses as a gay man to throw the bad guys off his scent.  By night, he takes up the mask of Zorro to stick it to the man while he’s giving it to the ladies.  

While I like the idea of a sexed-up Zorro, the sex scenes in The Erotic Adventures of Zorro are a bit of a mixed bag.  The big problem is that the forced sex scenes are mostly unpleasant.  When a man can’t pay his taxes, his virgin daughters are deflowered by the disgusting officials.  There’s even a scene where a woman is tied up and threatened with a snake.  The orgy scene goes on way too long too.

The best sex scenes involve the sultry Penny Boran.  The highlight comes when she introduces her niece (Jacqueline Giroux) to the joys of lesbianism.  Her seduction of Don Diego is rather steamy too.  It’s a shame Boran wasn’t given more opportunities to disrobe because she’s easily the best thing about the movie. 

Produced by the legendary sleaze wizard, David F. Friedman, The Erotic Adventures of Zorro runs a steep 102 minutes, which is way longer than any cheesy skin flick Zorro spoof needs to be.  The swashbuckling action and swordfight sequences are better than you might expect though.  The costumes and sets are well done too, and the cinematography looks much better than your run of the mill adult sex comedy.  However, the jokes are lame and many of the characters (some of whom have cheesy names like “Phil Latio”) are unbearable.

It is interesting to note that the plot relies heavily on Don Diego pretending to be gay to outwit the villains.  This makes it kind of like the opposite of Zorro, The Gay Blade, which came out nine years later.  Of course, that film had the benefit of a bigger budget, name stars, and jokes that were actually funny.  This one has none of those things, but there’s enough skin here to keep it from being a total Z movie.  

AKA:  The Sexcapades of Don Diego.

SANTO VS. THE TELEVISION KILLER (1981) **

A criminal in a black luchador mask known only as “Magnus” appears on television and broadcasts himself kidnapping a young woman.  El Santo naturally pitches in to help bring the mysterious masked villain down.  Meanwhile, an ambitious reporter, set firmly in the Lois Lane mold, wants the scoop and begins investigating Magnus’ whereabouts.  When she winds up kidnapped too, it’s up to El Santo to rescue her.  

Santo vs. the Television Killer has a good hook, but the follow-through is inconsistent.  Overall, it’s a serviceable entry in the long-running series and features a villain with just enough flair to be memorable.  It’s just a shame the pacing bogs down severely whenever El Santo isn’t on screen.  There isn’t a ton of action either and what action we do get doesn’t rank highly compared to El Santo’s other adventures.  (It’s obvious they used a much thinner stunt double for El Santo in some scenes.)

At least the wrestling scenes are lively.  In the first match, El Santo fights as part of a tag team in a crowded arena.  His second match takes place in a much smaller venue, but the action is briskly paced.  It’s in this sequence in which the filmmakers fall back on the old cliché of having the villain ordering an assassination attempt on El Santo while he’s wrestling in the ring.  As far as the musical numbers go, El Santo watches a blond country singer perform two songs, both times backed by a not-bad mariachi band.  

It’s worth mentioning that the lady reporter character handles herself capably during the action scenes.  She even rides a motorcycle at one point.  It’s far from progressive or anything, but it’s nice seeing a character like that who isn’t merely a damsel in distress (although she does get kidnapped in the finale).

AKA:  Santo vs. The T.V. Killer.  AKA:  Santo vs. the Killer of T.V.

BLOOD OF THE VAMPIRES (1971) * ½

Eduardo (Eddie Garcia) and his sister Leonore (Amalia Fuentes) return to their ancestral home to visit their father on his deathbed.  The old man gives strict instructions to burn the house to the ground upon his death, which understandably upsets his children.  As it turns out, he’s got his reasons.  You see, his wife is a vampire and he’s getting tired of chaining her up in the basement at night and whipping her, so she’ll behave.  The way he sees it, it’s better to just burn it down and be done with her.  Naturally, when Eduardo learns his mother is still alive (sort of), he runs downstairs to see his mommy dearest, and she winds up putting the bite on him.  Before long, he’s going around biting everyone in the jugular.

Blood of the Vampires kind of feels like a Pilipino version of Dark Shadows.  Unfortunately, Gerardo (Terror is a Man) de Leon’s lethargic direction makes it feels more like a dreary soap opera than a horror flick for much of its running time.  Some unintended laughs can be had by the sloppy dubbing, but for the most part, this is a long, dull slog.  The gratuitous use of actors in blackface for the servant roles makes it feel even more dated than it already is.  

The opening scenes hold promise.  The reveal of the mother resting in her coffin is rather effective.  Once Garcia gets his fangs though, the movie becomes a repetitive bore.  It also has way too many false endings for any rational mind to handle.  Just when you think it’s about to wrap up, Garcia finds another person’s neck to chomp.  Still, Blood of the Vampires features what I think is the screen’s only swordfight between a vampire and a ghost, so I guess it has that going for it.

AKA:  Curse of the Vampires.  AKA:  Whisper to the Wind.  AKA:  Creatures of Evil.  

THE VENGEANCE OF THE CRYING WOMAN (1974) ** ½

**NOTE:  Today is the 36^th anniversary of the death of El Santo, and I dedicate this review to his eternal memory.  Viva El Santo!

The Vengeance of the Crying Woman offers a slight variation on the established Lucha Libre formula.  This time, instead of El Santo’s sidekick being a masked Mexican wrestling colleague, it’s boxer Mantequilla Napoles lending him a hand.  While it’s nothing revolutionary or anything, Napoles’ boxing sequence is a nice change of pace, especially if you’ve sat through as many of these things as I have.  

A kindly old professor asks El Santo and Mantequilla to help him look for a treasure that once belonged to the legendary “Crying Woman”.  Since the professor wants to donate the gold to local children’s charities, El Santo readily agrees.  He and Mantequilla accompany the professor to a cave that houses the crypt of the now mummified Crying Woman.  When they remove a priceless necklace from the tomb, they accidentally resurrect the Crying Woman, who goes around terrorizing the children in town.  Meanwhile, a nefarious gangster (played by frequent El Santo director Rene Cardona, Sr.) wants to get his hands on the treasure and sends his goons out to hassle El Santo.

There’s plenty of atmosphere to go around, but the various subplots never really mesh.  Although there are highlights to be sure, The Vengeance of the Crying Woman often feels like three movies randomly stitched together.  The scenes of the windswept villainess are striking and strangely beautiful, but the stuff with the gangsters is just kind of routine.  While it’s fun to see Cardona Sr. as the gangster villain, his plotline never really intersects with the Crying Woman in a meaningful way.  Also, it’s a big letdown that neither El Santo nor Mantequilla battle the titular terror.

It’s a shame too, because this is one of the better looking El Santo movies.  I especially loved the Scooby-Doo style scenes of the girls walking around the caves with flashlights.  The shots that alternate from night to day also give the horror sequences a bit of an Ed Wood vibe, which put a smile on my face.

The wrestling sequences look really cheap too.  Both of El Santo’s matches (not to mention Mantequilla’s fight) take place in a ring that is set in front of a blue background with not a fan in sight, only the sound of a crowd.  The fights that occur outside of the ring are solid though.  The sequence where El Santo and Mantequilla get jumped in an alley by a dozen or so of Cardona’s men is the action highlight.

It’s the creepy Crying Woman who steals the movie though.  Her sequences are among the most atmospheric in the entire El Santo series.  Too bad her character almost seems more like an afterthought than an honest to goodness villainess.

AKA:  The Revenge of the Crying Woman.