THE WOMAN WHO SINNED (1991) **

I’m guilty of watching something solely because it features a certain actor or actress I’m fond of.  This one has several.  We have Tim Matheson, Claudia Christian, Michael Dudikoff, John Vernon, and the late, great Dick Miller.  As an added bonus, it stars TV soap opera legend Susan Lucci, whom I’ve always admired.  Their combined talents aren’t quite enough to elevate this otherwise standard issue TV movie, but I’m still kind of glad I watched it. 

Lucci is accused of killing her best friend.  The problem is, she was cheating on her husband (Matheson) with a hunky, but unstable photographer (Dudikoff) at the time.  When he mysteriously disappears, it leaves Susan without an alibi, making her the prime suspect.  With her court date rapidly approaching, she’s forced to play amateur detective to prove her innocence. 

After a strong set-up, The Woman Who Sinned slowly devolves into a routine TV Movie of the Week thriller.  It suffers from the typical pacing problems that are inherent in these sorts of things, and the plot is pretty predictable too.  We do get one clever edit that announces the untimely death of a character, but for the most part, it’s forgettable in just about every way. 

The film remains watchable thanks to the more than capable cast.  Lucci adeptly carries the movie with her charismatic presence.  She is especially good in her domestic scenes with Matheson, who does a fine job in the thankless husband role.  Their chemistry together helps make their flatly written domestic scenes bearable.  Dudikoff makes for a decent psycho, although the confines of the TV Movie of the Week genre prevent him from really sinking his teeth into the role.  While it’s nice to see Vernon and Miller popping up, I wish had more to do.  Still, their very appearance helps to set The Woman Who Sinned apart from its Made for TV contemporaries. 

AKA:  Mortal Passion.

GRAND ISLE (2020) *

Nicolas Cage hires an out of work ex-military man played by Luke Benward to fix his fence.  A hurricane hits while he’s in the midst of repairs and the hapless handyman finds himself stuck in Cage’s unwelcoming abode for the night.  While there, he must contend with Cage’s vamp of a wife (KaDee Strickland from Anacondas:  The Hunt for the Blood Orchid) who is dead set on putting the moves on him.  Naturally, it doesn’t take long for Cage to make his own proposition to Benward:  $20,000 to off his wife.

Grand Isle is a humdrum, dreary, and lifeless Southern Gothic thriller.  The pacing is inert, the situation is improbable, and the tension is nil.  It takes place mostly in one location, although that seems less like an attempt at claustrophobic atmosphere and more like a cost-effective way to keep the budget in check.

Even though Grand Isle graces us with the presence of a white trash mulleted Nicolas Cage, he curiously manages to underplay the role, which yields little entertainment value.  Even surefire can’t-miss lines like, “So, uh, tell me how long has it been since you had your, uh, COCK sucked?” never really register because he doesn’t seem Cagey enough to make it work.  And trust me, if ever a movie needed some Cagey weirdness, it’s this one.  

You know it’s bad when Kelsey Grammer chews more scenery than Nicolas Cage.  Sporting a thick southern drawl, Grammer shows up as a lawyer in the film’s tiresome framing device.  (It’s one of those “character relates flashbacks from a police holding cell” movies.)  Strickland is nice to look at and all, but she is woefully miscast as the southern belle with a screw loose.  It also doesn’t help that Benward is so goddam bland that he blends in with the wallpaper.  The scenes where Strickland tries to seduce him just lie there because there isn’t a hint of chemistry between them.  

I’m not saying Cage has to chew the scenery in every movie in order for it to be considered praise-worthy.  What I am saying is that if he’s starring in something as bad as this one, his hyperbolic histrionics will at the very least give the film a crutch to lean on when the going gets rough.  And brother, is the going ever rough in Grand Isle.

AKA:  Trapped.

THE KILLING HOUR (1983) ** ½

A serial killer with a penchant for handcuffing his victims is on the loose.  As the detectives on the case look for clues, a trashy TV host named Mac (Riptide’s Perry King) exploits the murders for ratings.  Meanwhile, a clairvoyant art student (Elizabeth Kemp) discovers she has the power to draw pictures of the murders before they happen.  She soon becomes torn between helping the cops with their investigation and appearing on Mac’s show to help draw out the killer. 

The Killing Hour opens with a string of murder set pieces that feel like they came out of an Italian giallo.  These sequences are strong and help to grab your attention, but the rest of the movie is sort of dawdling.  It helps that the film is populated with quirky characters.  The cop (Norman Parker) who vies with King for Kemp’s affections is pretty memorable.  When he isn’t searching for the killer, he’s at the local comedy club polishing up his stand-up act.  (He does a lot of lousy impressions too.)  I also enjoyed Kenneth McMillan as the cranky police captain, who in a funny scene hassles a coroner for a Band-Aid. 

The film is decidedly less entertaining when it becomes a love triangle between Parker, King, and Kemp.  Also, the murders that occur later in the picture aren’t nearly as stylish or effective as the ones that kicked things off.  However, the draggy middle section is somewhat redeemed by the decent twist ending, although the final confrontation with the killer leaves something to be desired. 

This was director Armand Mastroianni’s follow-up to He Knows You’re Alone.  You can see him building on and expanding upon the themes from that film as it feels like grown-up version of a slasher movie masquerading as cop thriller.  (Or vice versa.)  It doesn’t quite work as either, but the cast is strong enough to keep you watching.  Both King and Parker are quite good in the two leads and the supporting cast is better than you’d expect from this sort of thing.  Kemp is really the only weak link as her character feels more like a plot device than an actual human being.  

Despite its flaws, The Killing Hour isn’t a bad way to kill some time.

AKA:  The Clairvoyant.  AKA:  The Killing Kind.  AKA:  American Killing.

RICK SLOANE DOUBLE FEATURE

HOBGOBLINS  (1988)  *

Hobgoblins is the worst Gremlins rip-off of all time, and this is coming from someone who has a soft spot in their heart for Gremlins rip-offs.  It makes Critters seem worthy of a Criterion release in comparison. 

A night watchman at a movie studio discovers the titular beasties while making his rounds.  These little furry monsters make their victims live out their wildest fantasies before killing them.  He stupidly lets them escape from the studio vault, and his friends almost get killed by the little boogers.  The Hobgoblins then take over his uptight girlfriend, who suddenly has an urge to strip at a sleazy club called “Club Scum”.  He and his buddies have to rescue her before she becomes the next casualty of the cretinous creatures.   

Writer/director Rick Sloane has made a career out of making crummy low budget movies.  I can’t say I hate everything he’s done.  I’m one of the staunchest defenders of Vice Academy you’re likely ever to find.  However, trust me when I say that Hobgoblins is among his all-time worst.

If Slone concentrated his efforts on the monsters themselves, it might’ve worked.  Unfortunately, he spends an inordinate amount of time on the annoying teenage characters and their allegedly humorous shenanigans.  The leads are amateurish, shrill, and get on your nerves almost instantly.  The only memorable cast member is Duane Whitaker (who would later to go on to have an infamous part in Pulp Fiction), who plays “Road Rash”, the Club Scum bouncer.  

Even as a fan of Gremlins cash-ins, I have to say Hobgoblins fails on just about every level.  There are just too many scenes here that run on forever and have little to no payoff.  (The extended garden tool duel scene being a prime example.)  The exorbitant exposition in the pre-credits scene could’ve also been trimmed down or taken out altogether.

It’s a shame too because the monsters are kind of cute.  They’re easily the best thing about this turd.  The fact that they are hand puppets is painfully obvious more often than not, but I’ve certainly seen worse creatures, that’s for sure. 

AKA:  Goblins.

THE VISITANTS  (1986)  ½ * 

A nerdy teen discovers his weird neighbors are actually aliens.  Desperate for a good grade in science class, he steals their ray gun and gives it to his teacher to study.  Naturally, his extraterrestrial neighbors want it back.  They eventually wait for Halloween night to retrieve the gun so they can move about the neighborhood freely without being noticed. 

The Visitants is Rick Sloane’s riff on ‘50s Sci-Fi movies, done with zero style, wit, or budget.  Man, if you thought Sloane’s Hobgoblins was bad, wait till you get a load of this.  It’s not nearly as blatantly obnoxious as that film was.  In fact, it’s a lot more innocuous, which is somehow even worse.  Even though Hobgoblins was awful, at least stuff happened in it.  This on the other hand is boring and forgettable.  The film lumbers on for a painful 92 minutes, and just when it feels like it’s wrapping things up, it continues on for another ten agonizing minutes.  

I know this is an early entry in Slone’s oeuvre, so I guess I should be kind of lenient as it’s obvious the man was still learning his craft (although whether he ever truly mastered it is up for debate).  However, even early on in his career, his shortcomings are evident.  As with Hobgoblins, there’s a lot of padding.  The opening sequence runs on far too long. and there’s a Halloween party scene that feels like it goes on for an eternity.  The actors are even worse than the ones in Hobgoblins (if you can believe it), with the teenage characters being particularly annoying.  The humor is also weak, even by Sloane’s low standards, and the finale is awful.  The alien creature is especially pathetic.  (The rubber mask rattles around on the actor’s head.)

In short, I can’t say I’ll ever again work up the courage to revisit The Visitants.

DOMINO (2019) *

Brian De Palma is one of my favorite filmmakers of all time.  Even his misses are usually more interesting than most director’s best stuff.  The same can’t be said for his latest effort, Domino.  I can’t quite say it’s De Palma’s worst movie, but it’s definitely his most lackluster (and boring).

Nikolaj Coster-Waldau stars as a Copenhagen cop who accidentally leaves his gun at home when he goes on duty.  Because of his forgetfulness, his partner is killed and the murderer (Eriq Ebouaney) escapes.  He naturally vows to avenge his partner’s death.  The only problem is the killer just so also happens to be doing the dirty work for a shady CIA man (Guy Pearce) who will stop at nothing to make sure his asset is well protected.

It’s always fun to see De Palma channeling Hitchcock.  Domino kicks off with a blatant copy of Vertigo in which the hero hangs by his fingernails from a high rooftop.  On paper, this should’ve been gangbusters, but the execution feels tired, as if De Palma is only going through the motions.  Even his trademark use of split screen is a bust here, mostly due to the fact that one half of the screen looks like something out of a first-person video game.  Likewise, the score feels like a pale imitation of past Hitchcock scores.  To make matters worse, the music is often halfhearted and rarely matches the action on screen. 

It also doesn’t help that Coster-Waldau makes for an incredibly bland lead.  Looking like a budget version of Aaron Eckhart, he sleepwalks through most of the movie.  The only spark comes from Pearce whose dirty CIA character feels like he came out of an entirely different (better) thriller. 

Mostly though, Domino falls down because it’s so dull and slow moving.  The action is piss-poor too.  Although the set-up holds promise, things only get worse as the film plods along.  The second half is particularly dire, and the finale is laughably bad.  Even the most ardent De Palma devotees may have a hard time defending this one.

FUN IN BALLOON LAND (1965) *

A little boy named Sonny falls asleep while his mother reads him a bedtime story.  He then sleepwalks into an oversized book of fairy tales and winds up in a parade balloon warehouse where he meets (among other things) talking balloons, watches ballerinas, and participates in a western square dance.  Sonny soon finds himself out on the street watching a very long Christmas parade full of odd balloons, floats, and (too many) marching bands.

Fun in Balloon Land is a very strange ‘60s oddity that seems to be made for children, but in reality, it’s stealth propaganda for balloon manufacturer Giant Balloon Parades, Inc.  Although it’s less than an hour long, it feels much longer than that.  It’s pretty terrible in just about every way imaginable, and yet there are so many weird and disturbing images here that it’s hard to look away.

The most uncomfortable moment comes when Sonny is running around the “underwater” section of the balloon warehouse where he encounters a giant talking lobster.  What makes this scene upsetting isn’t the constant sound of water gurgling on the soundtrack to remind us we’re underwater (although no attempt was made to represent it visually).  What’s disturbing is the fact that Sonny is wearing very tight, very short gold lame shorts, and nothing else the entire time.  

Most of the running time is devoted to the parade scene.  Here, a drunk sounding woman with a thick Philly accent narrates the action, recites nursery rhymes, and hurls out perplexing non-sequiturs as the parade goes by.  Imagine watching a dime store version of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade narrated by your drunk aunt and you might have some idea of what to expect.  Then again, that still might not be enough to prepare you for such WTF floats as “The Marrying Turkey”.  

Speaking of which, yes, Fun in Balloon Land is a turkey all right, but it’s not one I’ll forget any time soon.

SHOCKING DARK (1989) *

At a time when ripping off James Cameron’s The Abyss was all the rage, Italian schlock director Bruno (Night of the Zombies) Mattei took it upon himself to rip-off not one, but TWO of Cameron’s other movies.  You might not believe it, but Shocking Dark is Mattei’s blatant low budget rip-off of Aliens and The Terminator.  If only Mattei tossed in some flying piranha as a tribute to Cameron’s Piranha 2, he could’ve made it a hat trick. 

Instead of going to a distant planet to fight monsters, like in Aliens, a group of soldiers go into the caverns of Venice on a rescue mission.  The only survivor is a little girl (Dominica Coulson) who latches onto the head researcher Sara (Haven Tyler) in a way very reminiscent of Newt and Ripley in Aliens.  It doesn’t take long for the creatures to start picking off the soldiers, but Sara soon finds herself with another problem to contend with:  A murderous android who has infiltrated their group.

There are many moments here that egregiously copy from Aliens.  We have a scene where the soldiers find humans cocooned into the wall (it looks like dime store Halloween cobweb decorations), a part where the Ripley and Newt copycats are stuck inside a locked room with a murderous alien, and a sequence where the troops use a tracking device (it looks like a pocket calculator) to find the monsters.  A lot of these bits are ripped off beat by beat from Aliens.  The big difference here is that it sucks big time.

While the bad movie lover in me loved seeing Cameron’s work so mercilessly aped, the fact of the matter is most of this is just too boring to work as an effective rip-off.  Haven Tyler is no Sigourney Weaver either.  Heck, her character is often frightened and needs the men in the group to constantly save her.  The rest of the acting is awful, and the hyperventilating histrionics and terrible dialogue aren’t even loopy enough to muster any so-bad-it’s-good laughs.  The production design is crummy too as most of the movie takes place in a series of boiler rooms and basements, and the monsters are inconsistent, non-threatening, and thoroughly stupid looking.  (They all look like props left over from other movies that have been hastily repurposed.)

That’s not even bringing up the Terminator rip-off aspects, which are half-assed at best and are relegated to the last twenty minutes or so of the movie.  Plus, you also have to deal with the annoying kid who screams, “Sara!” every forty-five seconds or so.  Speaking of annoying, there’s also a constant beeping sound effect that plays throughout the film that sounds like a dump truck backing up.  

In short, Shocking Dark deserves to be nuked from orbit.  It’s the only way to be sure.

AKA:  Terminator 2.  AKA:  Alienators.  AKA:  Aliens 2.