RICK SLOANE DOUBLE FEATURE

HOBGOBLINS  (1988)  *

Hobgoblins is the worst Gremlins rip-off of all time, and this is coming from someone who has a soft spot in their heart for Gremlins rip-offs.  It makes Critters seem worthy of a Criterion release in comparison. 

A night watchman at a movie studio discovers the titular beasties while making his rounds.  These little furry monsters make their victims live out their wildest fantasies before killing them.  He stupidly lets them escape from the studio vault, and his friends almost get killed by the little boogers.  The Hobgoblins then take over his uptight girlfriend, who suddenly has an urge to strip at a sleazy club called “Club Scum”.  He and his buddies have to rescue her before she becomes the next casualty of the cretinous creatures.   

Writer/director Rick Sloane has made a career out of making crummy low budget movies.  I can’t say I hate everything he’s done.  I’m one of the staunchest defenders of Vice Academy you’re likely ever to find.  However, trust me when I say that Hobgoblins is among his all-time worst.

If Slone concentrated his efforts on the monsters themselves, it might’ve worked.  Unfortunately, he spends an inordinate amount of time on the annoying teenage characters and their allegedly humorous shenanigans.  The leads are amateurish, shrill, and get on your nerves almost instantly.  The only memorable cast member is Duane Whitaker (who would later to go on to have an infamous part in Pulp Fiction), who plays “Road Rash”, the Club Scum bouncer.  

Even as a fan of Gremlins cash-ins, I have to say Hobgoblins fails on just about every level.  There are just too many scenes here that run on forever and have little to no payoff.  (The extended garden tool duel scene being a prime example.)  The exorbitant exposition in the pre-credits scene could’ve also been trimmed down or taken out altogether.

It’s a shame too because the monsters are kind of cute.  They’re easily the best thing about this turd.  The fact that they are hand puppets is painfully obvious more often than not, but I’ve certainly seen worse creatures, that’s for sure. 

AKA:  Goblins.

THE VISITANTS  (1986)  ½ * 

A nerdy teen discovers his weird neighbors are actually aliens.  Desperate for a good grade in science class, he steals their ray gun and gives it to his teacher to study.  Naturally, his extraterrestrial neighbors want it back.  They eventually wait for Halloween night to retrieve the gun so they can move about the neighborhood freely without being noticed. 

The Visitants is Rick Sloane’s riff on ‘50s Sci-Fi movies, done with zero style, wit, or budget.  Man, if you thought Sloane’s Hobgoblins was bad, wait till you get a load of this.  It’s not nearly as blatantly obnoxious as that film was.  In fact, it’s a lot more innocuous, which is somehow even worse.  Even though Hobgoblins was awful, at least stuff happened in it.  This on the other hand is boring and forgettable.  The film lumbers on for a painful 92 minutes, and just when it feels like it’s wrapping things up, it continues on for another ten agonizing minutes.  

I know this is an early entry in Slone’s oeuvre, so I guess I should be kind of lenient as it’s obvious the man was still learning his craft (although whether he ever truly mastered it is up for debate).  However, even early on in his career, his shortcomings are evident.  As with Hobgoblins, there’s a lot of padding.  The opening sequence runs on far too long. and there’s a Halloween party scene that feels like it goes on for an eternity.  The actors are even worse than the ones in Hobgoblins (if you can believe it), with the teenage characters being particularly annoying.  The humor is also weak, even by Sloane’s low standards, and the finale is awful.  The alien creature is especially pathetic.  (The rubber mask rattles around on the actor’s head.)

In short, I can’t say I’ll ever again work up the courage to revisit The Visitants.