ONCE UPON A TIME IN VENICE (2017) ** ½

Bruce Willis stars as a down and out ex-skateboarder-turned-ex-cop-turned-private-dick who works out of Venice Beach with his annoying sidekick Thomas Middleditch.  While trying to repo his buddy’s car, Willis accidentally draws the ire of a local drug kingpin (Jason Momoa), who takes his revenge by stealing Bruce’s dog.  Naturally, the dog winds up changing owners several times in the course of a day, leading Bruce on a harebrained quest to get it back. 

I have a soft spot in my heart for these Tarantino knockoff crime comedies.  They don’t make too many of them anymore, at least any that are worth a damn, so it’s kind of fun to spot one in the wild.  Like so many of these things, Once Upon a Time in Venice features a lot of surf music on the soundtrack, characters making pop culture references, and shots from inside a trunk.  (In addition, there’s also a Fight Club-inspired scene of a character faking his way into a support group.)  Nobody in their right mind would call this a classic (or a return to form by Willis for that matter), but it’s a pretty funny, empty calories flick that at least has the benefit of a good cast playing an array of colorful characters.  

Bruce has been accused of sleepwalking through his movies lately, but he (mostly) shows up for this one.  Although it was hardly a challenging role, he seems funnier and looser here than he’s been in a while.  John Goodman has some good moments as his surfer dude best friend who sometimes joins him on a job as back-up.  They have genuine chemistry together, enough to make you wish they were working with stronger material.  Momoa also seems to be having fun with what is admittedly a stereotypical role. 

Once Upon a Time in Venice comes to us from the writers of Cop Out, which also starred Willis.  I liked that one more than most, and I’m probably on the same arc of the spectrum with this one.  It’s not great by any means but liked it more than your average critic. 

In fact, the beginning is a lot of fun and gave me hope this would actually be some sort of minor classic.  It starts off great with a funny bit where Willis gives a foulmouthed pep talk to a bunch of skateboarding kids.  There’s also a memorable scene where some bad guys get the drop on Bruce while he’s in the throes of passion, forcing him to escape into the night in the nude.  This leads to an extended chase where he evades his pursuers while skateboarding naked through the streets of Venice.  The moment where some cops stop him and cause him to conceal his gun in an unlikely holster is the perfect cherry on top of this already funny sequence. 

Despite a breezy and amusing first act, the film starts to chase its tail ironically enough when Bruce’s dog gets stolen.  Once he goes out looking for his lost pooch, the movie slowly begins to run out of steam.  The ending feels a bit anticlimactic too.  Although most of the cast is fun to watch, I could’ve easily done without Middleditch’s character entirely (he also acts as the completely gratuitous narrator), and I was a bit miffed that Famke Janssen was totally wasted in two forgettable scenes.  Still, despite all that, it’s still kind of refreshing to see a DTV flick that at least tries to color outside the lines, even if the results are a bit messy. 

AKA:  L.A. Rush.  AKA:  L.A. Vengeance.

DANGER GOD (2019) ** ½

Danger God is a documentary about Gary Kent, who had a long and varied career as an actor, stuntman, director, and behind the scenes jack of all trades.  Kent worked with everyone from Ed Wood to Ray Dennis Steckler to Monte Hellman to Al Adamson to Don Coscarelli, and for that alone, he’s a noteworthy figure in my book.  The thing that makes him legendary in my eyes though is that he’s the man Brad Pitt’s character in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood is partially based on, due to his run-in with Charles Manson and his followers at Spahn Ranch.

Throughout the film, Kent proves to be a likeable subject.  He seems like a genuinely good-natured, kindhearted guy, which quickly endears him to the audience.  The problem is the documentary itself is all over the place.  The best parts are the clips of his old movies (especially the Adamson stuff).  Once we start delving deeper into his life, a lot of things feel glossed over and/or rushed.  For instance, Kent’s encounter with Manson is only briefly discussed and the subject of Adamson’s shocking murder is likewise barely touched on. 

The look of the film is erratic too.  It goes from a professional looking documentary to videotaped footage to stuff that looks like it was filmed on an iPhone.  (The scenes of Kent reading his memoir aloud also go on a little long.)  The focus of the movie gets choppier as it comes down the home stretch, and the footage of Kent hanging out on the set of a no-budget horror flick feels like various DVD bonus features haphazardly stitched together.  

Still, you can’t help but feel for the guy.  He seems like a cool dude, and your heart really goes out to him during the stretches when both he and his wife are battling cancer.  Despite the film’s shortcomings, if it at least spreads the gospel about the legend that is Gary Kent, then so much the better.

Recently I picked up Severin’s exhaustive Blu-Ray collection of Al Adamson’s entire career.  I’ve been itching to check it out once I can carve out some time to fully immerse myself in his work.  When I do, I look forward to seeing Kent in action in those films and hopefully any projects he may have in store for us in the future.  

AKA:  Love and Other Stunts.

A SCORE TO SETTLE (2019) **

Nicolas Cage stars as a criminal whose prison stretch is cut short due to a chronic illness.  Once on the outside, he reconnects with his son (Noah Le Gros), collects a stash of hidden loot, and begins to live it up in a swanky hotel.  Before long, he sets out to get revenge on the men who put him behind bars.  That is, if his condition doesn’t get in the way. 

A Score to Settle is similar in some ways to Dying of the Light as both films revolve around Cage playing terminal heroes trying to set things right before they kick the bucket.  At least that flick had Paul Schrader at the helm.  This one is saddled with a predictable story, very little action, and a pretty weak revenge plot. 

The bare bones of the story could’ve worked, but the subplot with Cage reconnecting with the son is flat and uninvolving.  Not to mention the fact that the kid’s fate is predictable every step of the way.  Cage’s cliched relationship with a Hooker with a Heart of Gold® (Karolina Wydra) is trite and only serves to eat up a lot of screen time.  It’s also a shame to see Benjamin Bratt being wasted in a supporting role as his ex-street compatriot who helps him in his quest for revenge. 

Admittedly, Cage isn’t given much to work with, but he doesn’t do a whole lot to invigorate the proceedings with his usual manic touch.  Only occasionally does he veer into Cagey Mode.  The scenes where he goes on a shopping spree offers a tinge of weirdness here and there, and there’s a funny bit where he intimidates a guy in a butcher shop by aggressively chewing on a sausage.  He does bless us with at least one memorable line reading where he incredulously wines at the villain, “You think I have beeeeeeef with you?”  Ultimately, the rest of the story is so thin you’ll be wondering where’s the beef?

DRIVE-IN DELIRIUM: ‘60S AND ‘70S SAVAGERY (2017) *** ½

Clocking in at a whopping six hours-plus, Drive-In Delirium:  ‘60s and ‘70s Savagery is a trailer compilation junkie’s wet dream.  It’s jam-packed with previews for all kinds of exploitation, horror, and drive-in fare.  The first part features nearly two hours of trailers from the ‘60s; mostly genre classics and/or little-seen gems.  Some of the trailers are British, and it’s interesting to see the films being sold in a more respectable manner than their American counterparts.  

Most times with these trailer compilations, I give a rundown of the featured trailers.  If I did that with this one, I’d be here all day.  Because of that, I’ll just limit myself to a small sampling of the delights you’ll see.  We have a nice mix of horror (House of Usher, The Brain That Wouldn’t Die, The Conqueror Worm), Hammer (Dracula-Prince of Darkness, The Plague of the Zombies, The Devil’s Bride), spy movies (The Quiller Memorandum, Kiss the Girls and Make Them Die, Deadlier Than the Male), and Sci-Fi (The First Men in the Moon, Robinson Crusoe on Mars, Fantastic Invasion of Planet Earth) that should please any fan of every genre.

The second, much longer section is devoted to the ‘70s and includes such genres as Blaxploitation (Trouble Man, Black Caesar, Slaughter), horror (Wicked Wicked, Seizure, Deranged, The Reincarnation of Peter Proud, Grizzly, Rabid), telekinetic hijinks (Carrie, The Fury, Patrick), vampires (Andy Warhol’s Dracula, Count Dracula’s Great Love, Vampyres), Hammer (Blood from the Mummy’s Tomb, Twins of Evil, Frankenstein and the Monster from Hell), Vincent Price (Scream and Scream Again, The Abominable Dr. Phibes, Dr. Phibes Rises Again), sexploitation (Beyond the Valley of the Dolls, The Lickerish Quartet, Salon Kitty), action (Assault on Precinct 13, Vanishing Point, The Mechanic), westerns (The Magnificent Seven Ride, Bite the Bullet, Keoma), and Sci-Fi (Capricorn One, Star Crash, and Star Trek:  The Motion Picture).  While many of the trailers are relatively tame compared to other compilations, there’s still a decent amount of sleaze here.  In fact, my favorite trailer of the bunch (for Amuck) PROMISES it has been cut, but pretty much shows you everything you’d want to see, and then some.  We also get some choice vintage intermission and pre-show ads.  (My favorite was the commercial for Camel cigarettes.)

What separates this collection from many other trailer comps out there is the quality of the trailers themselves.  I’m not talking about whether they’re any good or not.  I mean the picture quality is often stunning.  (Don’t worry, there are still a few prints that are scratchy as fuck, which is always endearing to me.)  They have been preserved for all times in high definition by the good folks at Umbrella, and for that, genre fans everywhere should be grateful.  

I will be the first to admit, the running time is a little unwieldy.  As much as I love movie trailers, this collection quickly became a tad numbing.  I had to break it up over several nights, and even then, I could only watch about forty-five minutes to an hour before my head started spinning.  That’s a good thing though as Drive-In Delirium:  ‘60s and ‘70s Savagery is proof that you can’t get too much of a good thing… if you just pace yourself.

FIRST KILL (2017) **

Hayden Christiansen stars as a stockbroker who takes his son out hunting to kill his first deer.  While in the woods, they stumble upon a couple of bank robbers making a botched money exchange.  During the struggle, Christiansen kills one of the thieves in self-defense and the other one takes Christiansen’s kid hostage.  Naturally, the man he killed turns out to be a dirty cop, which gets him in all kinds of hot water with small town sheriff Bruce Willis.  Eventually, the two form an uneasy alliance to recover the money and save Christiansen’s kid. 

First Kill is yet another collaboration between Willis and DTV action vet Steven C. (Arsenal) Miller.  As far as their team-ups go, it’s not as nearly bad as the dull Marauders, nor is it quite as fun as the surprisingly entertaining Extraction.  Although Willis sits out most of the first act, he gets a fair amount of screen time throughout the rest of the picture.  He’s often accused of sleepwalking through his DTV films, but in this one he delivers a decent performance.  Sure, it’s far from his best work, but he doesn’t exactly phone it in either.  Even though Willis looks like he’s putting forth a commendable effort, his character is just too thin to really strike a memorable chord. 

Christiansen likewise fares okay in the lead.  He’ll probably always be in the shadow of Anakin Skywalker, but he shows evidence of having a decent enough DTV career path.  In fact, the early scenes where he and his son are hunting hold a bit of promise as the set-up is certainly strong enough.  It’s just that the ensuing hostage drama is rather boring, and Christiansen’s character’s stupid decision-making process hampers any and all of the potential suspense.  The big twist is predictable too, and Miller allows the finale to play out without much pizzazz.  

The last word on First Kill:  It’s certainly not the worst DTV time-waster Bruce has appeared in, but it’s inessential all the same. 

KILLER CROCODILE 2 (1990) **

A real estate developer is building a new resort in the same Caribbean swamp where the killer crocodile once roamed.  He promises all the toxic waste has been removed from the area, but a reporter (Debra Karr) is wary of his claims, so she teams up with the hero of the first movie (Richard Anthony Crenna) to find out the truth.  Before long, the now fully grown spawn of the original killer crocodile is on the loose and chowing down on would-be tourists. 

Even though this sequel has a shorter running time than the original, it feels even longer.  That’s because it’s chockfull of boring scenes that go nowhere and only get in the way of the killer croc doing his thing.  It also stinks that it takes half the running time for Crenna to show up.  I’m not saying he’s a great actor or anything.  What I am saying is that Karr will grate on the nerves for the first half of the picture.  When they finally get together, things improve somewhat.  The romantic banter between the two is terrible (The African Queen this is not), but Karr’s seduction scene is so patently ridiculous that it’s worth an extra Half Star in my book.  

This first chunk of the flick feels like a bunch of padding in search of a movie.  Flashbacks to the original also help to eat up a lot of screen time.  While many of the attack scenes lack the fun of the first film, the scene where the killer croc chomps down on some Catholic schoolboys is pretty funny. 

If you can get through the gratuitously padded first half, you’ll be rewarded with some seriously silly shenanigans.  The finale almost singlehandedly saves it.  The way director Giannetto De Rossi (the man who created the special effects for the crocodile in both the original and the sequel) cuts back and forth between shots of Crenna on top of the giant rubber croc to shots of an action figure attached to a bath toy crocodile is hilarious.  Oh, and if you thought your jaw dropped during the killer croc’s demise in the first movie, wait till you get a load of its death in this one.

I can’t say Killer Crocodile 2 is a “better” movie than the original.  It’s really slipshod in just about every department.  However, that last twenty minutes is something special.  I can’t really recommend either of them, but if you took the best parts from each film and edited them together into one hour-long YouTube video, you’d definitely have a classic on your hands. 

KILLER CROCODILE (1989) **

A bunch of ecologists head into a swamp to investigate reports of toxic waste dumping.  They soon discover the toxic waste has caused a crocodile to grow to ridiculous size, and it wastes little time turning the eco-friendly eggheads into a hot lunch.  They turn to the local bigwigs for help, but since they’re all corrupt, they only want to keep a lid on things.  Eventually, the environmentalists turn to a crusty big game hunter to help take out the killer croc. 

Killer Crocodile is a gloriously dumb Jaws clone that unfortunately is only intermittently amusing.  Although there are some obvious thematic similarities between the two pictures, the place the film really rips off Jaws in is the music department.  Composer Riz Ortolani is known for his often-beautiful scores, but here, he just blatantly steals most of John Williams’ theme to Jaws with only minor variations. 

There are some fun bits to be sure.  Director Fabrizio (the Thunder Warrior trilogy) De Angelis isn’t above showing the croc in all his rubbery glory, which certainly helps.  The opening unrelated croc attacks are cheesy, and the ending is flat out stupid, and I mean that in the best way possible.  Too bad much of the movie is so sluggishly paced.  

The scenes of the ecologists trying to convince the local honchos the creature should be protected are a tad surprising though.  This is the only unpredictable stretch of the movie.  It might’ve been memorable if the heroes successfully campaigned to keep the monster alive.  It wouldn’t have been nearly as much fun, but it would’ve set it apart from the glut of other killer animal flicks.  Luckily for the audience, the characters eventually come to their senses and decide to kill the sucker. 

Despite that novel little twist, there’s just too many lulls in the action to make Killer Crocodile recommended.  Fans of Animals Gone Amuck movies and/or Italian horror hounds are sure to find something of value here.  It’s just that the highlights are few and far between.

AKA:  Murder Alligator.