MONSTER AND THE STRIPPER (1968) ****

Monster and the Stripper kicks off with a lot of Mondo movie-style footage of Bourbon Street and Mardi Gras.  It’s edited like a Russ Meyer film, complete with rapid cuts and many Dutch angles.  Even the hard-boiled narration is similar to the Meyer style.  Then the plot begins.

Nemo (Ron Ormond, who also directed) is the owner of a strip joint on Bourbon Street.  He watches a bunch of women doing various striptease numbers as part of an open audition.  Frustrated that none of the girls can compete with his headliner, Titania (Georgette Dante), a babe that uses FLAMING tassels in her act, he decides he needs a new angle.  Nemo then asks his right-hand man to capture a supposed swamp monster that’s been offing the locals so he can put it in one of the stripper’s act.  Thus begins a cinematic journey that will leave your jaw agape for most of the running time.

If you’ve ever seen a Ron Ormond movie, you know he’s a fan of padding.  Girl from Tobacco Row was padded with country music.  (The wacky harmonica duo from that film also appear here.)  In White Lightnin’ Road, it was stock car racing.  Here, it’s striptease numbers.  I’m sure you can guess which film offers the best kind of padding.

Not only does Ron have a sizeable role in this one, but so does his producing partner/wife June.  She plays the stage manager at the club and also does a comedic fan dance!  It truly was a family affair for the Ormonds as their son Tim (who frequently appeared in their films) plays the young jungle guide who takes the hunters to find “The Swamp Thing”.

The early audition scenes feel like an unofficial remake of Horrors of Spider Island.  Heck, even the monster (played by the awesomely named rockabilly singer, Sleepy LaBeef) kind of looks like the monster from Horrors of Spider Island (mixed with a little bit of Eegah! for good measure).  The film also reminded me a bit of Orgy of the Dead too.  It’s not as single-mindedly driven by striptease scenes as Orgy was, but its structure is certainly similar.  It also has an Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies vibe as the numbers almost have the same amount of screen time as the “drama”.  There’s even a King Kong-inspired “Beauty and the Beast” stage act that sets up the final reel.

The scene where the Swamp Thing rips a guy’s arm off and beats him to death with it is as good as anything you’d see in a Herschell Gordon Lewis movie.  We also get a doozy of a reveal when we learn the Swamp Thing has ripped one of the strippers’ tit off.  We probably could’ve done without the real-life cow mutilation and chicken beheading, but that just goes along with the whole “What the Hell will they show us now?” vibe.

Even the plot detours are strongly crafted.  The scene where a bunch of gangsters threaten a goon who’s been stealing from them is expertly done.  The placement of the spittoon shots at first seem random until it becomes apparent they will empty the contents of the spittoon on the traitor’s head if he won’t comply with their wishes.  It’s downright Hitchcockian the way Ormond allows the scene to unfold. 

The cinematography is straight-up gorgeous too.  Nothing quite looks like a sleazy, late ‘60s horror/stripper movie like a sleazy, late ‘60s horror/stripper movie, and this is about as good of a looking one as you’ll see.  The garish colors highlight the luridness of the premise and the full-color process helps to preserve the stripping acts in a cinematic time capsule.

I will say that although the film contains a LOT of stripping, there’s no actual nudity because the dancers all wear pasties or tassels.  Trust me when I say that it doesn’t matter as their performances are truly entertaining.  Titania’s fire dance in particular is really something. 

In short, Monster and the Stripper is incredible.  Any movie that can call to mind the works of Russ Meyer, Herschell Gordon Lewis, Ray Dennis Steckler, Ed Wood, AND Alfred Hitchcock (not to mention King Kong, Horrors of Spider Island, and Eegah!) needs to be seen immediately.  Ron Ormond (who also played the killer in Teen-Age Strangler) needs to be as well-known as all those fine gentlemen.  It is my mission to make that happen, as I will be bringing you many more reviews of Ormond’s work in the coming week. 

AKA:  The Exotic Ones.

STUCK! (2009) * ½

Daisy (Starina Johnson) comes home to find her ailing mother attempting suicide.  She tries to stop her, with tragic consequences.  A neighbor witnesses their altercation and thinks Daisy was trying to kill her mother.  She calls the cops, and Daisy is tried and sentenced for murder.  Once in the big house, she tries to adjust to her new life.  Eventually, she forms a family unit with her fellow inmates as they stand united against the lecherous guard (Stacy Cunningham) who sets out to make her life a living hell. 

On the surface, Stuck! looks like a throwback to the women in prison films of the ‘50s.  It boasts a cool supporting cast that features Karen Black, Mink Stole, and The Go-Go’s Jane Wiedlin.  All of them are pretty much wasted in one way or another, however. Wiedlin in particular is given absolutely nothing to do as she plays the childlike “Princess” whose only dialogue is repeating the last few words her girlfriend says.  Black’s character is kinda superfluous too.  It seems like the part might’ve been a lot smaller, but once they realized they had a name star in the role, they decided they needed to give her something to do. 

Despite appearances, Stuck! Is low on exploitation elements, which is disappointing.  It might’ve been a fun send-up of WIP movies, but other than one gratuitous disrobing scene, the nudity is pitifully low.  We do get a shower, gangbang, and mutual masturbation scene, although all of them occur fully clothed and/or happen offscreen.

The drama is really amateurish too.  With its minimalistic sets, it often feels more like a filmed Off-Broadway play than an honest to goodness genre flick.  Even the black and white photography is kind of crummy.  (It looks like it was filmed in color and then changed in post-production.)  I mean it just sort of fails on every level. 

Even when the movie starts to show promise, it almost immediately drops the ball.  There’s an interesting plot wrinkle about halfway through when Daisy survives her first execution and seemingly takes on a new identity.  This threatens to put a little spark into the proceedings, but it’s pretty much forgotten as soon as it’s introduced.  In short, Stuck! deserves a stiff sentence. 

DRAGON AGAINST VAMPIRE (1985) * ½

Three bumbling, dog-eating graverobbers accidentally awaken a vampire who kills the fat guy and the annoying dude.  That leaves the least irritating guy in the bunch to find a Kung Fu master in an underground cave.  He begs the master to train him, and he eventually agrees to teach him the art of Kung Fu sorcery necessary to defeat the bloodsucker in the final showdown. 

Dragon Against Vampire is one of those Joseph Lai and Godfrey Ho joints.  Usually, Ho likes to cut and paste two movies together and call it a new feature.  This just feels like it was just cut.  Very little of it makes sense and the plot jumps around an awful lot.  Even though it feels like whole chunks are missing from this thing, it still feels maddeningly long.  It may only clock in at 77 minutes, but you’ll swear it’s the same length as the director’s cut of Titanic. 

The erratic editing really does it in.  Whole sections are nothing more than dream-within-a-dream sequences that are more confusing than anything.  The horror elements are really loose too as you have to wait a long time before anything remotely horrific happens.  When the horror stuff finally does kick into gear, it’s crammed together in a perplexing fashion.  This movie also features a record number of jump scare scenes where a villain hiding just offscreen clamps their hands on someone’s shoulder, and boy, it sure gets annoying fast. 

Speaking of annoying, the comic relief shit will get on your nerves almost immediately.  I guess that was to be expected in a movie like this, but even the Kung Fu elements are sloppy and rushed.  The big training montage is abrupt and the climactic duel between good and evil is completely unsatisfying.  I mean for a movie called Dragon Against Vampire, they sure do wait long enough to show the titular confrontation.

It may sound like I’m doing nothing but ragging on Dragon Against Vampire, but it does have one interesting aspect, and that is the vampire is clearly modeled on the western interpretation of the creature.  Usually in these things, the vampire hops around in accordance with traditional Chinese folklore.  Having a vampire that is more Christopher Lee than Bruce Lee is enough to make it at the very least memorable.  That doesn’t make it good though.

PLAN 9 (2016) **

They always say you should only remake bad movies.  While Ed Wood’s Plan 9 from Outer Space has been clichély called “The Worst Movie of All Time”, I think time has proven otherwise.  Unlike many similar B pictures of the era, it is full of personal, odd touches that only an auteur like Wood could’ve added.  Strip all that away and what you’d be left with is a serviceable flick, but one without the longevity and following that cult classic has. 

Which brings us to this remake.  I think the best thing I can say about it is that it works up to a point, which in itself is a surprising feat.  Once it goes beyond that point, it becomes more than a little frustrating. 

It starts with a fun conceit, which I will not spoil.  From there, it doesn’t necessarily remake the original, but instead asks the question, “What would happen if an alien invasion via the resurrection of the dead happened today?  What would that look like?”  I have to say it’s an interesting enough of an idea to at least make you curious and somewhat hopeful. 

The problem isn’t so much the idea, but the execution.  After the promising set-up, the film splits its focus on two sets of survivors.  One group is comprised of locals who hole up in a liquor store.  The others are a bunch of cops and scientists in a lab.  Often times it feels like we’re watching two totally different movies.  The humorous scenes set inside the store scenes feel like a real-world scenario.  Unfortunately, that means it’s just like every other low budget zombie movie you’ve seen in the past fifteen years.  It’s not bad, however.  It’s certainly a lot better than the lab scenes, which feel like they’re trying to be bad on purpose, complete with comic relief cops and fast-talking scientists spouting improbable nonstop gobbledygook. 

Some of the casting is inspired.  Horror host Mister Lobo has fun in the Criswell role and I Spit on Your Grave’s Camille Keaton plays the Vampira character.  The rest of the cast is pretty bland, although I will say Brian (Sleepwalkers) Krause does his best to preserve his dignity while essaying the Gregory Walcott role.  The original film’s Conrad Brooks also has a small part, but he really isn’t given a whole lot to do. 

Not content to just have fun with Plan 9 (I liked the nods to the original that occur early on), there are also tips of the hat to other cult classics such as Troll 2 (the town is called “Nilbog”), The Monster Squad, and Return of the Living Dead.  There are even a handful of genuine laughs too.  Once it switches gears and becomes a “real” zombie movie, the fun pretty much dries up.  The gratuitous nudity helps a bit too, but honestly, there was no reason this needed to be 103 minutes.  (The ending sucks.)  However, as far as remakes to beloved cult classics go, you can definitely do a lot worse. 

AMERICAN GUINEA PIG: SACRIFICE (2017) ****

I’m a fan of the original Guinea Pig series from Japan.  I thought the American spin-off, American Guinea Pig:   Bouquet of Guts and Gore was pretty good, mostly because it got Deadbeat at Dawn’s Jim Van Bebber in front of the camera again.  This one is even better.  By a lot.  In fact, I’d go so far as to call it an undisputed modern classic.  

Gorehounds, if you wanna see some sick shit, here you go. 

Daniel (Roberto Scorza) goes into the bathroom and mutilates himself.  The more he slices and dices, the more glimpses of the beautiful goddess Ishtar (Flora Giannattasio) he gets to see.  Uh… that’s about it as far as the plot goes. 

If you are turned off by self-mutilation, steer clear.  This is basically an hour’s worth of sick, nasty autoerotic pain self-infliction.  For those looking for disgusting thrills, this one is hard to beat. 

In one scene, the dude slices his hand open and proceeds to eat it.  And I don’t mean “eat it”.  I mean “eat it”.  That’s right, folks.  We’re talking cut-alingus here.

That’s just foreplay though.  Next up, he carves a butthole in the center of his forehead and jams a screwdriver in there.  Then… well… let’s just say this is the first movie I’ve seen where a guy gets to third base with his own forehead.  Or should we say he gave himself head?  Either way, he enjoys it so much that after he’s done, he’s gotta have a smoke. 

Then things get REALLY gross. 

In fact, I won’t discuss it any further.  If your stomach is already turning just hearing about some of this stuff this guy does to himself, you definitely won’t want to watch it.  Just heed this warning:  American Guinea Pig:  Sacrifice is not for all tastes.  This was made for strong stomachs only.

However, if you’re a dyed-in-the-wool gorehound who’s thought they’d seen it all… trust me, you haven’t.

AKA:  American Guinea Pig 3.

DRAGON LIVES (1976) ** ½

Bruce Lee is born on a rainy night.  As a kid, he gets in trouble for fighting and is publicly spanked by his teacher.  Angry, he throws a flying kick at the camera and the opening credits begin.

The credits sequence, it must be said, is a thing of beauty.  It’s nothing more than a collection of scenes of Bruce Li as Bruce Lee doing Kung Fu while a disco song (“He’s a Dragon, He’s a Hero”) about Bruce Lee plays.  In my humble opinion, more movies should start this way.   

Anyway, Bruce (Bruce) goes to America to find work in the movies.  Almost immediately, he is disgusted by the stereotyped roles that producers want him to play and he walks off the set.  Frustrated by the lack of roles in Hollywood, Bruce returns to Hong Kong to make movies and becomes an overnight sensation.  He then begins a rivalry with an American boxing champion while continuing to push himself (too far) to be the best. 

Not to be confused with The Dragon Lives Again (which for me, is the high-water mark of Bruceploitation genre), Dragon Lives isn’t as wild and crazy as some Bruceploitation movies, which is simultaneously refreshing and disappointing.  I will give it credit for going a bit deeper than most Bruceploitation flicks.  It may be factually inaccurate a lot of the time, but at least it addresses the issue of racism that Bruce fought so hard against.  While it comes up a little short in the weirdness department, you have to respect the artistic license it takes to have Bruce sport a mustache mid-movie (even while recreating some of his most iconic moments) with no explanation given whatsoever.  The disco song is pretty catchy too, which is good because they play it a lot.

Dragon Lives is similar in many respects to Dragon:  The Bruce Lee Story as there are scenes with Bruce, his wife Linda, and their son Brandon.  Although the weird stuff is kept to a minimum, you can appreciate the scenes where he spurns his family to achieve physical perfection by locking himself in his green-tinted home gym (it looks more like a dungeon) where he practices against a machine that’s just arms that come out of holes in the wall.  It also earns points for addressing his relationship with Betty Ting Pei.  The ending is good for a laugh when Bruce and Betty bang while a coffee pot symbolically fills up in the foreground.  Then after he does the deed, Bruce gets up, there’s an earthquake (or something), and he dies.  What?

That might be enough weirdness for a regular movie.  For a Bruceploitation flick, it’s somewhat lacking.  Still, I unabashedly love the genre, so I more or less got what I was hoping for. 

AKA:  King of Kung Fu.  AKA:  He’s a Legend, He’s a Hero.

SCARY STORIES (2019) **

Like many, I grew up reading Alvin Schwartz’s Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark books.  I was already a young horror fan and a big reader when I discovered the books, but I credit the series for helping cement my love for both reading and horror.  Schwartz and his books were a big inspiration to people my age, so this should’ve been a can’t-miss combination of informative documentary and childhood nostalgia.  Too bad its focus is so scattershot that it fails on both counts. 

Early in the film, we learn Schwartz died thirty years ago, and that illustrator Stephen Gammell only ever gave one interview.  So, up front we know that whatever insight into the creation of the books we get is going to be very slim.  Schwartz’s son, Peter is interviewed, but he didn’t have the best relationship with his dad, so he winds up not being much help either. 

Coming to the realization you can’t get blood from a stone; the filmmakers should’ve turned this into a short subject and moved on.  Instead, they keep going.  They then turn their focus on the books being banned, which isn’t the worst angle to work with.  Even then, the info on that is somewhat limited, so they start focusing on how the books inspired another generation of artists to paint, sculpt, and photograph their interpretations of the books’ illustrations. 

I did like the little animations that were inspired by the illustrations that are used occasionally as segue ways or recreations.  However, there are not enough of them to make up for the dull talking head interviews.  Heck, info on the books is so skimpy that we wind up learning just as much about the creation of Goosebumps from interviewee R.L. Stein as we do the Scary Stories series! 

The ending is weak too.  The face-to-face sit down between Schwartz’s son and the woman who tried to ban the books decades ago is awkwardly staged, uncomfortably forced, and rings hollow and false.  Most of the Scary Stories had some kind of twist ending.  I guess the twist to this ending is that it’s completely unsatisfying.

Do yourself a favor and skip this lifeless documentary and stick with the books (or even the 2019 movie) instead.