Tuesday, February 16, 2021

DISCO BEAVER FROM OUTER SPACE (1979) **

National Lampoon made this special for HBO the year after Animal House.  It’s sort of like a less successful, shot-on-video version of Kentucky Fried Movie and Amazon Women on the Moon.  (Either that, or a dirty version of Saturday Night Live.)  Even as a fan of lesser-quality National Lampoon movies, this one is pretty tasteless and stupid, but it does contain a handful of big laughs.

A (off screen) couple settle down to watch cable TV.  They start watching Disco Beaver from Outer Space before the guy starts flipping channels.  The commercials, TV shows, and movies he flips through make up the bulk of the picture.

Disco Beaver from Outer Space is horribly dated and politically incorrect to be sure.  People will probably be most offended by Dragula, the gay vampire.  The lone special guest star, Vanessa Redgrave (how they got her to appear in this is anybody’s guess) plays Vanessa Van Helsing, who repels the Count with Brute, meatloaf, and pictures of Lloyd Bridges.  Other slipshod and unfunny bits include “Misterpiece Theater” and scenes of a country band playing while British cowboys critique their performance.

There is some good stuff here though.  I think my favorite bits were the testimonials of a Perrier junkie (the White Claw of its day) who is up to “six bottles a day”.  There’s also a game show called “The Breast Game” which is a good excuse to show a bunch of boobs.  (“Stay tuned for You Bet Your Ass!”)  The video cable guide offers a few laughs too, and the puppeteer (who is essentially a dirty version of Senor Wences) should’ve had more screen time. 

The Disco Beaver himself seems like a forerunner to the gopher in Caddyshack.  He’s basically there to dance and act like a goofball, which is sort of charming I suppose.  At least the filmmakers were smart enough to keep his appearances brief.

Ultimately, Disco Beaver from Outer Space is crude, sloppy, and all over the place.  It’s much closer in terms of quality to the later-era National Lampoon movies than the classics like Animal House and Vacation.  On the plus side, it’s less than an hour long (thank God).  It’s best viewed as a curio piece, although those who are easily offended will want to steer clear. 

AKA:  National Lampoon Presents Disco Beaver from Outer Space.  AKA:  National Lampoon’s Disco Beaver from Outer Space.

TERMINAL FORCE (1995) * ½

After a long, slow moving opening credits sequence (that’s only there to help pad out the running time), the plot begins.  Resistance fighters lose a battle to the evil Kyla (Richard Moll) who steals their sacred crystal.  With his dying breath, the resistance leader tells his sister (Brigitte Nielsen) that another crystal resides on Earth.  She beams herself down and tries to find it with the help of a nerdy archeologist (John H. Brennan) who just so happens to be on the run from the Mob.

This cheap looking sci-fi action flick steals ideas (and dialogue) from Star Wars and The Terminator.  The special effects are mostly terrible, but I did like the bit where the little kid morphs into a stop-motion assassination droid.  Once the action switches over to Earth, things get rather dire rather quickly.  There’s just too many subplots that gum up the works and get in the way of the main story.  The scenes involving the pair of detectives, played by Roger Aaron (Action Jackson) Brown and Cindy (Tron) Morgan, eats up a lot of screen time, and all the stuff with the mobsters was totally unnecessary.

Nielsen does as well as can be expected with the material she’s been given.  She looks good wearing her leather space garb (one character says she looks like Barbarella), but unfortunately, she is saddled with an annoying and wimpy archeologist sidekick who brings the whole movie down.  I usually like Moll when he’s playing the villain in cheesy sci-fi junk like this, but he’s pretty uninspired here.  Sporting long hair and a beard and wearing an armored cloak, he looks like a biker who works part time at Medieval Times. 

Director William Mesa provided special effects for Army of Darkness (which explains the random appearance by Sam Raimi as a sniveling, cowardly resistance fighter) and later directed the Mark Dacascos flick, DNA.

AKA:  Galaxis.  AKA:  Starforce.  AKA:  Final Force.  AKA:  Galactic Force.  AKA:  Star Crystal.

INTENT TO KILL (1993) **

Traci Lords stars in her second actioner for producers Richard Pepin and Joseph Merhi and director Charles T. Kanganis.  It’s rated NC-17, but unfortunately, it’s for violence and not sex.  (It was the first film to receive the rating for that reason.)  Pepin and Merhi probably refused to cut it back thinking the publicity of having an NC-17 movie starring Traci Lords was too good to be true, even if she did keep her clothes on the whole time.

Things kick off with a big action set piece involving a car chase, shootouts, exploding cars, and Traci dressed up like a hooker.  From there, it settles down to address some themes that are largely absent from your typical DTV action flick.  Traci stands up to her lecherous boyfriend, and when she catches him cheating, she blows up his classic car.  She also sticks up for a rape victim and beats the shit out of her attackers.  Traci even teaches self-defense classes for battered women.  This stuff is all well and good.  I just wish I gave a crap about the villain’s plotline.  (He’s an ambitious South American drug dealer angling to make himself the kingpin of the city.)  The subplot with two rival cops fighting over the affections of Lords is pretty unnecessary too.

At twenty-three, the fresh-faced Lords isn’t very believable playing a tough detective who doesn’t play by the rules, but that’s kind of the appeal.  She is a lot of fun to watch as the feisty badass cop in a black leather jacket.  We also have Yaphet Kotto on hand as the stereotypical Yelling Police Captain who is driven to drink thanks to Traci’s antics.

Whenever Traci isn’t on screen the whole thing grinds to a halt.  When the plot focuses on the wannabe Scarface villain, it becomes dull as shit.  Also, even though the movie was rated NC-17, the violence really isn’t that over the top or anything.  I commend the film for putting in the various subplots that strive to empower women, but everything else is kind of a snooze.

THE TEN BEST FILMS OF 2020

Here’s my final list of the ten best films of 2020.  I did not expect Spenser Confidential to crack the Top Ten, but 2020 gonna 2020.

  1. SKIN:  A HISTORY OF NUDITY IN THE MOVIES 
  2. 1BR 
  3. TRAILER TRAUMA V:  70S ACTION ATTACK!
  4. BAD BOYS FOR LIFE
  5. BORAT SUBSEQUENT MOVIEFILM:  DELIVERY OF PRODIGIOUS BRIBE TO AMERICAN REGIME FOR MAKE BENEFIT ONCE GLORIOUS NATION OF KAZAKHSTAN
  6. CLASS ACTION PARK
  7. THE BEE GEES:  HOW CAN YOU MEND A BROKEN HEART
  8. BLOODSHOT 
  9. CASTLE FREAK
  10. SPENSER CONFIDENTIAL

Runner-Up:  VFW 

Monday, February 15, 2021

THE 2020 VIDEO VACUUM AWARDS: AND THE WINNERS ARE…

Alright everyone.  Here’s the moment we’ve been waiting the whole year for.  It’s the 14th Annual Video Vacuum Awards.  Without further ado, let’s boogie: 

NOTE:  THE WINNER FOR "BEST" CATEGORIES ARE IN GREEN.  THE WINNER FOR "WORST" CATEGORIES ARE IN RED. 

 Best Picture

Bad Boys for Life

Borat Subsequent Moviefilm:  Delivery of Prodigious Bribe to American Regime for Make Benefit Once Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan

1BR

Skin:  A History of Nudity in the Movies

Trailer Trauma V:  70s Action Attack!

Worst Picture

Amityville Island

Books of Blood

The Invisible Man

Lucky

The Wretched

Best Director

Adil and Bilall for Bad Boys for Life

Dave Wilson for Bloodshot

Jason Woliner for Borat Subsequent Moviefilm:  Delivery of Prodigious Bribe to American Regime for Make Benefit Once Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan

David Marmor for 1BR

Peter Berg for Spenser Confidential

Best Actor

Vin Diesel in Bloodshot

Tom Hardy in Capone

Martin Lawrence in Bad Boys for Life

Marky Mark in Spenser Confidential

Will Smith in Bad Boys for Life

Best Actress

Maria Bakalova in Borat Subsequent Moviefilm:  Delivery of Prodigious Bribe to American Regime for Make Benefit Once Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan

Nicole Brydon Bloom in 1BR

Blake Lively in The Rhythm Section

Kira Reed Lorsch in Amityville Witches

Elisabeth Moss in Shirley

Best Action Movie

Bad Boys for Life

Bloodshot

The Rhythm Section

Spenser Confidential

VFW

Worst Action Movie

Extraction

Guns Akimbo

Hard Kill

Rogue

Welcome to Sudden Death

Best DTV/Streaming Movie

The Bee Gees:  How Can You Mend a Broken Heart

Borat Subsequent Moviefilm:  Delivery of Prodigious Bribe to American Regime for Make Benefit Once Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan

Castle Freak

Class Action Park

1BR

Worst DTV/Streaming Movie

Amityville Island

Books of Blood

Grand Isle

Lucky

Tremors:  Shrieker Island

Worst Horror Movie

Amityville Island

Lucky

The Invisible Man

Books of Blood

The Wretched

Best Dialogue

The Babysitter:  Killer Queen for “Plan B is more than a pill I take on Saturdays.”

Color Out of Space for “It’s time to milk the alpacas!”

Corona Zombies for “News?  Ewws!”

VFW for “Hindsight is 20/20!”

Werewolf Island for “It was a gnarly, unreal entity!” 

Once again, thanks to everyone who reads my stupid drivel year after year.  Here's to another long year of great movies!

THE 2020 VIDEO VACUUM AWARDS: THE TECHNICAL AWARDS

In just a little while, we will be giving out the 14th Annual Video Vacuum Awards.  Before we do, let’s look back and celebrate the films of the past year by handing out The Technical Awards.  The winners of these awards come from categories that had only a handful (or in some cases, just one) of films in contention for that particular genre.  Thanks to 2020, that field is a bit larger as I didn’t see nearly as many movies this year.  So, let’s get started!  Here are your winners: 

Best “Amityville” Movie

Amityville Witches

Worst “Amityville” Movie

Amityville Island

Best Biopic

Capone

(Runner-Up) Shirley

Best Bruce Willis Movie

Survive the Night

Worst Bruce Willis Movie

Hard Kill

Best Comedy

Borat Subsequent Moviefilm:  Delivery of Prodigious Bribe to American Regime for Make Benefit Once Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan

Worst Comedy

Notzilla

(Runner-Up) VHYes

Best Comic Book Movie

Bloodshot

Worst Comic Book Movie

Extraction

(Runner-Up) Birds of Prey (And the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn)

Best Documentary

Skin:  A History of Nudity in the Movies

(Runner-Up) Class Action Park

Worst Documentary

Have a Good Trip:  Adventures in Psychedelics

Best Drama

Capone

(Runner-Up) Shirley

Best Horror Movie

1BR

(Runner-Up) Castle Freak

Worst Movie Based on a TV Show

Fantasy Island

Worst Musical

David Byrne’s American Utopia

(Runner-Up) Valley Girl

Worst Nicolas Cage Movie

Grand Isle

(Runner-Up) Color Out of Space

Best Remake

Castle Freak

Worst Remake

The Invisible Man

(Runner-Up) Valley Girl

Best Sequel

Bad Boys for Life

(Runner-Up) Borat Subsequent Moviefilm:  Delivery of Prodigious Bribe to American Regime for Make Benefit Once Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan

Worst Sequel

Tremors:  Shrieker Island

(Runner-Up) Birds of Prey (And the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn)

Worst Thriller

Grand Isle

Best Trailer Compilation

Trailer Trauma V:  70s Action Attack!

That’s all for now, folks!  We’ll be back soon with the list of winners for the main ceremony soon!

Thursday, February 11, 2021

CHARLIE CHAN AT THE OLYMPICS (1937) ***

The government is testing a prototype remote controlled plane off the coast of Honolulu when a saboteur kills the pilot and steals the robot controller.  While on a fishing trip, super sleuth Charlie Chan (Warner Oland) stumbles upon the wreckage of the plane and follows the clues to Germany, which just so happens to be where his son Lee (Keye Luke) is training for the Olympics.  When Chan discovers the remote, he steals it to gain leverage on the criminals, but they retaliate by kidnapping Lee.  Chan then must make a desperate play to save his son, nab the villains, and recover the device.

Warner Oland gives yet another spry performance as Charlie Chan in his thirteenth appearance in the role.  His dispensing of fortune cookie wisdom is as funny as ever (“Husband… like toupee on bald head… used as cover!”) and once again has a nice rapport with Luke as his “Number One Son”.  Luke also gets some good moments as he tries to crack the case on his own while aboard a cruise ship with the rest of the Olympic team.  Oland scores some laughs too during his interactions with his younger son (Layne Tom, Jr.) who fancies himself a super sleuth in the making.  I also liked his scenes with his German counterpart (Frederick Vogeding), a committed police inspector who helps Chan on the case. 

The case is rather nifty, and the pacing is agreeable enough.  Although for a movie called Charlie Chan at the Olympics, it does take him almost a full hour to get there.  The stock footage from the Olympic Games is well-utilized though and it fits rather seamlessly with the rest of the action.  The plot is really secondary as the movie is at its best when it explores Chan’s relationship with his sons.  (It’s also notable for having Chan ride on the Hindenberg shortly before it exploded in real life.)