NECROPOLIS: LEGION (2019) ***

Necropolis:  Legion is a sequel to 1986’s punk rock witch movie, Necropolis.  It was part of Charles Band’s “Deadly Ten”, a series of films (many of them sequels) crowdfunded by fans and produced by his Full Moon company.  As far as low budget thirty-three-years later witch sequels go, it’s not bad at all. 

An old farmer (Joseph Lopez) finds out his sexy wife Eva (Ali Chappell) is really a witch who likes holding human sacrifices at the local church.  He disrupts her witchcraft ceremony and vanquishes her, but the town continues to feel her evil presence for centuries.  Flash-forward to the present day when an author named Lisa (Augie Duke) comes to the down to write a book on the town.  She goes to stay on the farm where Eva once lived and winds up reawakening her (in a manner cribbed from Hellraiser). 

In the first movie, the witch had six boobs and let zombies suckle curdled milk from them.  In this one, the witch has mouths for nipples, which she uses to munch on sexy sacrificial babes.  There’s one amusing moment where the tit-mouths are slack-jawed and their long, skinny tongues dangle down.  Admittedly, they are not as cool as the monster boobs from Mausoleum, but hey, monster boobs are monster boobs.  We also get a scene that manages to one-up the suckling scene from the original.  I won’t reveal how exactly it raises the bar, because it’s the highlight of the movie!

Even though it runs a little over an hour, Necropolis:  Legion still falls victim to some serious padding.  There’s a long opening credits sequence, a scene where Duke wanders around the farm that goes on forever, flashbacks to shit that just happened ten minutes ago, and the obligatory dream sequences.  Since some of the padding revolves around Duke writhing around the farmhouse in a see-through tank top, I can’t really get too up in arms about it. 

Besides, it’s hard to completely hate any movie that manages to rip off Hellraiser, Mausoleum, Repulsion, AND The Evil Dead.  There are some moments that are reminiscent of Jean Rollin too.  It’s easily one of Full Moon’s best recent offerings.

That said, you could’ve easily cut thirty minutes out of this thing and made a killer half-hour segment of a horror anthology.  Still, there’s plenty to like, even if it isn’t exactly a home run.  Despite the limited budget, director Chris (Female Werewolf) Alexander manages to squeeze a surprising amount of atmosphere from the material. 

The ladies in the cast leave their mark on you too.  Duke makes for a likeable heroine and I enjoyed seeing Lynn (I Drink Your Blood) Lowry as a local who gives Duke the strength she needs to fight the witch.  The movie really belongs to Chappell as the sexy, seductive, and sinister Eva.  She fills her character with a real sense of menace and makes for a formidable foe.  Plus, she rocks a set of monster boobs like few in the business.  I’d let her take a bite out of me any day.

KRAKATOA: EAST OF JAVA (1969) *

Krakatoa:  East of Java was kind of like a precursor to the disaster movies that were so popular the ‘70s.  It features an all-star cast, a big budget, and was filmed in Cinerama, which was sort of the ‘60s version of Imax.  In fact, the cast squares off against not one, but TWO natural disasters in the film (a volcano and a tsunami).  Too bad it’s boring as all get-out.

Maximillian Schell stars as a captain who sets sail to find a sunken ship containing a cache of pearls.  He sets a course for Krakatoa, and if he was using the movie’s title for navigation, he would never get there because Krakatoa is actually WEST of Java.  That’s the first sign you are in trouble with this bloated mess:  The filmmakers didn’t even bother to fact-check where the hell Krakatoa was.  In fact, once they discovered their error, they had already printed up the ad campaign and it would’ve been too costly to recall all the posters, so they just left it.  Good gravy.   

Just as much care went into the script, as it is a mishmash of subplots including the obligatory shipboard romances, double-crosses, and father/son bonding.  All this stuff does is get in the way of the treasure hunt.  Even then, the scenes of hot air ballooning and underwater diving slow things down even further. 

All of this is a slog to get through, but the film does come to life near the end once the volcano finally erupts.  The special effects are pretty good for the time (although some of the shots are obviously repeated).  That shouldn’t come as a surprise since they were done by Eugene Lourie, a man who’s no stranger to special effects epics, having directed The Giant Behemoth.  (There’s another movie with an incorrect title.  A giant is a behemoth, and a behemoth is a giant.  To call something a “giant behemoth” is just redundant.)

It doesn’t help that Schell is totally miscast as the captain.  He’s much too suave and good looking to buy as a crusty seafarer.  Brian Keith, who plays the terminally ill deep-sea diver, would’ve been a much better choice.  All in all, the geographical errors, sluggish subplots, and bad casting help to ensure Krakatoa:  East of Java goes up in smoke.

AKA:  Krakatoa.  AKA:  Volcano.

HANZO THE RAZOR: SWORD OF JUSTICE (1972) ***

After playing the heroic blind swordsman Zatoichi over two dozen times, Shintaro Katsu must’ve been worried he’d be typecast as a goodie-two shoes.  As Hanzo the Razor, he is a total lout, and a truly sick, twisted, and perverse individual.  This Hanzo is my kind of guy. 

Hanzo is a policeman who’s supposed to take a blood oath to uphold the law and accept no bribes.  However, he refuses to go along with it on the grounds that the system is so corrupt that it would make him a hypocrite.  He then sets out on the trail of a killer and encounters corruption, murder, and deceit along the way.

Hanzo is a total masochist too.  In one scene, he literally beats his meat.  I don’t mean he chokes his chicken.  This guy literally hammers his cock.  This might also be the only movie I’ve ever seen in which the hero makes love to a bag of rice.  Then there are the insane scenes where he “interrogates” woman suspects until they are on the brink of ecstasy and can’t help but confess in order to achieve orgasm.  That’s not even mentioning the POV shots of Katsu’s dick going in and out of the suspects, which are artistically superimposed over the woman’s face. 

Folks, I’ve seen some shit in my time, but I ain’t seen that.

If you liked Katsu in the Blind Swordsman movies, you may be in for quite a shock as he is a complete bastard in this.  He’s definitely closer to Sonny Chiba in The Streetfighter than the Katsu of Zatoichi.  I especially liked the cool opening sequence where he struts down the street to a funky beat that feels like it could’ve easily come out of a Blaxploitation flick of the same era.

Hanzo the Razor:  Sword of Justice contains some jaw-dropping stuff early on.  However, the fun sort of dries up in the third act as the plot begins to meander and the weirdness starts to subside.  Still, there’s plenty of wacky shit here for me to wholeheartedly recommend it.

AKA:  Fang of the Official.  AKA:  The Razor:  The Sword of Justice.  AKA:  The Sword of Justice. 

JOY OF FLYING (1977) ** ½

Corrine Cartier stars as Silvia, an unhappily married woman stuck with a husband who is uninterested in sex.  She reads a book on sexual promiscuity called Joy of Flying and begins to have sexual dreams.  Her girlfriend tells her, “The cure for the thing that ails you is a good fuck!”  Silvia finally takes her advice and begins having casual encounters with strange men.  When she begins an affair with a nude photographer named George (Gianni Garko), she thinks she’s finally found the one for her.  Silvia soon learns that George is unable to keep it in his pants.  Once he winds up in the bed of Maria (Olivia Pascal), a horny teenager who can only get off by doing it in risky places, Sylvia takes off with a dune-buggy riding artist to make him jealous.

I guess the title of this German sex comedy was supposed to be a mash-up of The Joy of Sex and Fear of Flying.  Then again, it doesn’t really matter what it’s called as long as the T & A is prominently paraded around.  As far as the genre goes, Joy of Flying certainly delivers on that end of the bargain, even if the laughs are nonexistent.  The scene where Garko gets a massage from two bathing beauties is probably the highlight, but we also get a fun gymnasium sequence that includes a nude stationary bike ride, skinny-dipping, and a solid underwater sex scene. 

The film has a fine set-up, but it starts to wander once the focus shifts to Garko’s character.  While it’s cool to see the star of so many Italian gialli and Spaghetti Westerns turning up in a German sex comedy, I can’t say he’s particularly well-utilized.  It’s not that his scenes are bad.  In fact, his moments with Pascal are rather amusing.  It’s just that it comes at the expense of Cartier’s storyline.  As an audience member, we’d much rather see her having fun while she embraces her sexuality.  Garko’s constant philandering kind of gets in the way of that.  The trailblazing trans exploitation star Ajita Wilson also has a small role as Garko’s rich client. 

Even if the film comes with some major reservations, it’s still worth watching just for the goofy atmosphere.  I mean it’s not every day you see two women discussing their sex life while playing foosball.  Besides, the theme song is great, and the song, “Do It” is even better.  Even if Joy of Flying doesn’t get your blood pumping, it will at least leave you tapping your toes.

AKA:  Erotic Ways.  AKA:  Sex at 7,000 Feet.

THE INTRUDER WITHIN (1981) **

Chad Everett stars as the head “tool pusher” on an oil rig in the middle of the ocean in this Made for TV Alien clone.  Head geologist Joseph Bottoms forces Chad and his crew to work day and night.  After all that constant drilling, they eventually dig up a slimy eel creature who bites and kills one of the workers.  Later, an old timer cuts himself on one of the creature’s eggs and goes nuts and kills himself.  Another guy gets infected and rapes a co-worker and she gives birth to a big monster that terrorizes what’s left of the cast.

The Intruder Within is an early ‘80s Made for TV Movie, and as such, it falls victims to the sluggish plotting and pacing inherent in one of these deals.  (We also get a lot of camera push-ins and fade-outs that signal where the commercial breaks should go.)  I will say the rape scene, though quite tame, must’ve been kind of shocking for an ‘80s Made for TV Movie.  It’s in scenes like this where you can tell the film wants to be a bit schlockier and nastier than your typical Move of the Week, but the standards and practices office just wouldn’t allow it. 

I’ve always liked Chad Everett, and he does a solid job here.  If you’re gonna have a monster running loose on an oil rig, he’s as good a guy as any to be at the helm.  It’s also good to see Rockne (Black Samson) Tarkington in a sizeable role. 

Despite being a bit grungier than your average TV horror flick, The Intruder Within is boring for the most part.  The final reel has a little bit of pep in its step, but it’s kind of a slog to get to that point.  At least it was made before the likes of the similarly themed Leviathan and Deepstar Six.  The monster is pretty cool though.  It kind of looks like a variation on one of the monsters from Humanoids from the Deep, but with a big shit-eating grin.  If only he inhabited a R-rated flick, he could’ve really done some damage. 

LADY PSYCHO KILLER (2018) ***

Lady Psycho Killer is sort of like a college coed version of American Psycho.  A teenage girl (Kate Daly) snaps and decides to rid the world of scumbag men.  (Like Patrick Bateman, our psycho girl narrates constantly and even keeps a little notebook of all her grisly murders.)  I know, I know, they did that already.  It was called American Psycho 2, and it was terrible.  Don’t worry though, because this is a whole lot better.  (Although, quite honestly, about 99% of every movie ever made is better than American Psycho 2.) 

I think the filmmakers were trying to use serial killing as a metaphor for a young girl’s coming of age.  While that angle of the movie isn’t entirely successful, it does have a surprise or two up its sleeve and is a little better at every turn than you’d expect.  The best stretches of the film play out like a drama you’d see on the CW, except… you know, with a serial killer. 

All this could’ve quickly devolved into sophomoric drivel, but the fine performance by Daly anchors the film and makes it more than a sum of its parts.  She does an admirable job in her first (and as of this writing, only) role as she balances her character’s girl-next-door charm with her over the top psychotic tendencies.  I’m not sure why she hasn’t made any other movies because she’s a lot of fun to watch here.

The great supporting cast also helps.  We have Ron Jeremy as a strip club owner, Malcolm McDowell as a creepy neighbor, and Daniel Baldwin (who’s only in it for like thirty seconds) as a victim.  Michael Madsen seems like he’s having the most fun as he is amusingly miscast as a psychology professor.  At all times, he just looks and acts like Michael Madsen, and only occasionally reminds you he’s supposed to be a scholarly professor when he puts on a pair of reading glasses.  It’s pretty great.

Lady Psycho Killer isn’t a classic or anything, but I had quite a bit of fun with it.  While it doesn’t always work, it’s only eighty-one minutes, moves at a brisk pace, and doesn’t have any wasted scenes or superfluous moments.  When you watch as many movies as I do, you come to appreciate things like that. 

BACK IN BUSINESS (1997) **

Former football-player-turned-action-star Brian Bosworth starring in a DTV action movie from Phillippe Mora, the man who gave the world Howling 2 and 3?  What could go wrong?  Plenty!

The Boz stars as an ex-cop who now works as an auto mechanic.  His former partner (Joe Torry) ropes him back into action, asking for his help on a big-time undercover sting operation.  After a lot of rigmarole, they find themselves in a Shelby Cobra filled with heroin and have to find a way to outsmart the dirty cop villains. 

Back in Business (which was passed off in some territories as a sequel to The Boz’s classic Stone Cold, even though they are completely unrelated) is scattershot at best and slipshod at worst.  Things just sort of happen at random as the script feels more like it was recycled from parts of other (better) movies and Scotch-taped together.  It’s disjointed, sure, but it’s sporadically amusing. 

Most of the humor comes from Bosworth’s attempts to work on his anger issues.  Throughout the film, he constantly calls a radio show therapist to discuss ways to apply his anger management techniques.  Most of this isn’t exactly laugh-out-loud funny, but the scene where he smashes up a yuppie’s car for condescending to him is worthy of half a chuckle. 

Bosworth looks like he’s having fun.  You just wish he had better material to work with.  He’s not bad during his solo scenes, but the movie doesn’t really work when he’s teamed with Joe Torry.  I think they should’ve teamed The Boz up with former Yankee manager Joe Torre instead.  Just think!  It could’ve been a titanic pairing of two sports legends.  Alas, it was not meant to be.  We do get a scene where The Boz plays basketball with Torry in his boxer shorts, so… there’s that.  However, this seemingly inconsequential scene goes on so long that you have to wonder if it was secretly a test pilot for a White Men Can’t Jump TV show. 

Torry is more annoying than funny, unfortunately.  He has a bit of chemistry with Boz, but again, his dialogue just isn’t sharp enough to elicit laughter from the audience.  At least Brion James is on hand to essay the villain role, and we get a bit by a young Michael Clarke Duncan as a henchman.   

AKA:  Stone Cold 2:  Heart of Stone.  AKA:  Heart of Stone.