TOM AND JERRY (2021) **

The first sign you are in trouble with this reboot of the beloved cartoon duo comes before the opening titles even hit the screen.  Things start out surprisingly enough with the familiar opening chords of Lou Reed’s iconic “Walk on the Wild Side”.  I thought to myself, “Wow, that’s such a cool cut for a kid’s movie.  Maybe this will be…” and right then and there, it morphed into this shitty rap song that merely sampled the beat.  I hate it when they do that.  Just come up with your own shit.  Don’t rip off a classic.

Which is precisely what the whole movie is.  It only takes what it wants from the great Tom and Jerry cartoons of the past and uses it for its own means.  When Tom and Jerry are doing their thing, it’s tolerable, but when the film tries to do its own thing, it’s pretty awful. 

The plot has Tom chasing Jerry into a swanky New York hotel.  It is here where an out of work whippersnapper (Chloe Grace Moretz) grifts her way into a job.  To maintain her position, she must keep the place rodent-free, which means catching Jerry before the guests find out there is a mouse in the house.

Turning Tom and Jerry loose inside a hotel while C-rate guest stars pop in and out wouldn’t be the worst idea in the world if the script didn’t focus on the human characters and rely on them to prop up the story.  Nobody cares about Moretz trying to keep her job.  (There’s a reason why the humans were only shown from the knees down in the old cartoons.)  We just want to see Jerry beat the shit out of Tom for 101 minutes, thank you very much.  Which, thank God, still happens, although not as much as you’d like.  (Tom gets ran over by trucks, has doors slammed on his head, is bludgeoned by a baseball bat, and is electrocuted several times.)

It’s not all bad though.  I was relieved the filmmakers resisted the temptation to turn the characters into CGI monstrosities.  Keeping Tom and Jerry in their original hand-drawn animation form (albeit in a slightly airbrushed style) was a smart move.  I guess PETA would’ve had a shit-fit if a photorealistic CGI cat was repeatedly mutilated over and over again.  There’s even a couple scenes where Tom and Jerry drink alcohol, so it’s not completely neutered like some modern-day versions of old cartoons.  We also get a cameo by a familiar face that Tom and Jerry fans will no doubt enjoy seeing. 

All this, at the very least, makes it better than 1992’s Tom and Jerry:  The Movie, which was a total disgrace to the source material as the concerned parents, outraged by the duo’s decades of violence towards one another, demanded that they be FRIENDS for the bulk of the picture.  (They become friends in this one too, but it’s more like a temporary détente to help Moretz salvage her job.)  It doesn’t excuse the gratuitous human characters, which include Michael Pena as the hotel manager, Ken Jeong as the chef on the premises, and Colin Jost, who as Weekend Update anchors-turned-actors go, is no Dennis Miller.  Nor is it enough to save the movie, which only contains a handful of laughs.  It could’ve been way worse I suppose, but I think there’s a reason why a cat chasing a mouse works best in eight-minute shorts. 

AKA:  Tom and Jerry:  The Movie.

SHAKE, RATTLE AND ROCK! (1956) ***

A group of concerned adults carry out a crusade to ban rock n’ roll in their town.  (“We must put a stop to the vulgar, LEWD, rocking and rolling!”)  Mike “Touch” (Swamp Diamonds) Connors is the DJ who wants to open up a rock n’ roll club so the teeners have a place to rock out.  Naturally, the uptight adults want to have it shut down.  The kids also have to contend with a gangster (Paul Dubov) who wants to muscle in on Connors’ territory.  Connors’ solution is to hold a televised “trial” to show that rock n’ roll was really no different than the music from the old timers’ days.

Fats Domino appears on Connors’ show and does “Honey Chile”, “Ain’t That a Shame” (the definite highlight), and “I’m in Love Again”.  (Note how he’s never in the same shot with the teens.)  The rest of the musical acts are OK, but they just pale in comparison to Fats.

Shake, Rattle and Rock! would still be worth it just to see Fats perform, but it’s a really good teeny-bopper musical jukebox in its own right.  The plot is just sturdy enough to provide a clothesline for director Edward L. (The She-Creature) Cahn to hang a bunch of rock n’ roll numbers on, and the performances are solid too.  Connors makes for a likeable lead and the Marx Brothers’ usual foil, Margaret Dumont, is a hoot as the leader of the moral brigade.  It’s also amusing hearing Sterling Holloway, the familiar voice of Winnie the Pooh, as Connors’ right-hand man who speaks almost exclusively in slang and jive.  In the film’s funniest scene, he takes the witness stand and speaks so much jive, they have to use subtitles so you can understand him.  (You have to wonder if this is where Airplane! got the idea for the jive passengers scene.)

I was even surprised they were able to slip an interesting McCarthy parable in there with the musical numbers.  There’s a subplot where the kids are stirred up by the gangster, who incites a riot, causing the teens to smash up Dumont’s car.  Connors knows the kids who did it, but refuses to name names, knowing full well they were provoked into it.  His refusal to rat on the kids gives this an added layer of social commentary that most of these movies lack.  If you came to shake, rattle and rock during Shake, Rattle and Rock!, you certainly will, but you will also get something unexpected:  A genuinely good movie.

AKA:  Rock n’ Roll Club.

BLACKBELT 2: FATAL FORCE (1993) *** ½

Blackbelt 2:  Fatal Force is an unrelated sequel to the 1992 Don “The Dragon” Wilson flick, Blackbelt.  Although it has nothing to do with that movie, at least it continues the tradition of listing the star’s blackbelt credentials in front of his name in the opening credits.  In this case, “W.K.F. Kickboxing Champion Blake Bahner”.  Whether or not he really held that title or if the “W.K.F.” actually exists is up for debate.

Whatever his credentials are, I kind of like this Bahner guy.  He sorta resembles Marshall Teague auditioning for The Lou Ferrigno Story.  If you need someone to fill Don the Dragon’s shoes, it might as well be him.

The movie begins with a Nam flashback before switching over to the present day.  It’s here where we are introduced to our hero, the awesomely named “Brad Spyder” (Bahner).  His first action sequence had me pumping my fist and saying, “YES!” out loud twice.  The first time was when he was chasing a bad guy on his motorcycle and narrowly avoided colliding with a tractor trailer via the magic of editing.  The second time came when he dropkicked a baddie off a high rise. 

Later, Spyder learns that his partner fled Los Angeles and went to Honolulu when he received word his MIA POW brother has turned up in Hawaii.  Naturally, he winds up DOA, and Spyder has to go to Hawaii ASAP to avenge his death PDQ.  There, he tangles with some drug runners who have their claws in a local wealthy businessman. 

Oh, there was a third time I pumped my fist and said, “YES!”  That was when Vic Diaz showed up as the Yelling Captain who is displeased that Spyder is sticking his nose where it doesn’t belong.  I knew this movie was going to be great when I saw Cirio H. Santiago’s name in the credits. 

Blackbelt 2 is choppy as hell.  There are scenes set in Vietnam, scenes set in Hawaii, and scenes set in Hawaii that are made up to look like Vietnam.  We also get some footage from Santiago’s Silk in there to pad out the running time.  It’s as if producer Roger Corman pulled a Godfrey Ho and gave us two movies for the price of one.  That is to say, it’s awesome.

Not only that, but it features one of the greatest exploding bamboo guard tower scenes of all time.  In most of these movies, when a bamboo guard tower explodes, it explodes and that’s that.  In Blackbelt 2, when the bamboo guard tower explodes, the guard’s flaming corpse lands smack dab on a table where the other guards are playing cards.  Is this flick great, or what?

Sure, Blackbelt 2:  Fatal Force is patchy and disjointed, but it’s a lot of fun.  Whenever the sketchy editing threatens to get in the way of the film’s momentum, Bahner kicks a lot of people in the face to keep things on track.   Although it begins to spin its wheels in the late stages of the game, I can’t be disappointed since it ends in a scene where a grieving father flies a helicopter directly into the man who killed his daughter, causing it to explode.

I must confess.  I may have pumped my fist and said, “YES!” a fourth time during this scene.

TEEN LUST (1978) * ½

Teen Lust plays like a loose assemblage of subplots that only serve as an excuse to show off some ‘70s T & A.  I don’t think director James Hong (yes, THAT James Hong) is to blame for the patchwork nature of the film.  I think that falls on the producers. 

It’s my theory that the producers concocted four or five different subplots so that they could retitle and rerelease the movie several times, each time focusing on a different aspect of the plot in the trailers.  The fact that the film goes by five different titles is my smoking gun, but here’s the complete rundown.

Title #1:  High School Teasers:  There is a subplot involving the town slut De De (Lee Ann Barnes) trying to hook up with Terry (Perry Lang), who just so happens to be the boyfriend of goodie-two shoes Carol (Kristen Baker from Friday the 13^th Part 2).  I’m sure whoever cut the trailer could make it look like De De was the main character and put all of the footage of her sexual escapades in one two-minute reel.

Title #2:  Police Girls Academy:  This one focuses on the plot line where Carol and her gal pal Neely (Leslie Cederquist) get a summer job working as police trainees.  You could play up the police training sequences in the trailer and sell it as a Police Academy rip-off.  There’s even an icky sequence where Carol’s brother inadvertently picks her up.  Yuck.

Title #3:  The Girls Next Door:  Since Carol is a homely girl-next-door type, you could prominently feature her in the ads and sell it as a coming-of-age movie. 

Title #4:  Mom Never Told Me:  This is where things get weird.  There’s a subplot about Carol’s drunk mother (Dalene Young) trying to fix her up with a rich (but slow-witted) neighbor.  The mother sequences also include a subplot-within-a-subplot about her seducing the plumber (George “Buck” Flower).  There’s an even stranger subplot-within-a-subplot about Carol’s lecherously over-affectionate father (Stan Kamber) NOT being her father (so that makes his advances… OK?!?!) because… well… Mom Never Told Me.

Title #5:  Teen Lust:  With this preview, you can include the head-scratching scene where a gang of little kids jump Carol and try to rip her clothes off while the theme to the People’s Court plays?!?! 

Quite honestly, the police academy stuff works best.  However, there’s just too many weird subplots fighting for supremacy, and as a result, it all goes nowhere fast.  The bizarre family sitcom scenes are especially ill-fitting and the stuff with the philandering boyfriend trying to fend off the advances of the town slut are far from erotic.  None of it meshes. 

It’s particularly hard to take when it tries to get serious.  The mother is portrayed as a comic drunk most of the time, but halfway through, Carol stages a one-woman intervention that just doesn’t fit with the goofy shit elsewhere in the film.  Baker, bless her, thinks this is her shot at an Oscar and even says, “You’re tearing me apart!” like James Dean in Rebel Without a Cause!  I mean, how are we supposed to care about her mother when just moments earlier, she was dry humping Flower on the floor?  Or how about the scene where Carol finds out she’s adopted?  Baker just seems to be acting in an entirely different (and probably better) movie than everyone else.  (Where’s movie title #6 when you need it?)  You know it’s thrown up its hands and given up when the final two scenes are a pie fight and a wedding.

Flower and Hong were both in John Carpenter movies in the ‘80s, which makes me wonder if Carpenter’s seen this.

AKA:  High School Teasers.  AKA:  Police Girls Academy.  AKA:  The Girls Next Door.  AKA:  Mom Never Told Me. 

BLISS (2019) **

“I hate to advocate alcohol, drugs, violence, and insanity, but they’ve always worked for me.”

This Hunter S. Thompson quote rattled through my head throughout most of Bliss.  I don’t know if it was intended as a metaphor for how substance abuse influences art or what.  I’m not sure the filmmakers knew, to be honest.

Dezzy (Dora Madison) is an artist who is struggling artistically and financially.  So, she does what anyone would do (or at least druggie painters) and goes out, gets drunk, and buys some weird new street drug called “Diablo”.  This potent pharmaceutical gives her the “bliss” she’s been missing, but it also causes her to occasionally lose track of time and wake up in mysterious places… sometimes covered in blood.  Oh well, who cares?  Especially when whatever she’s doing is causing her to finally put a brush to canvas again so she can finish her masterpiece.

Bliss feels like a horror anthology short that has been expanded to eighty minutes.  (The fact that it revolves around a painting means it could’ve easily been part of a Night Gallery reboot.)  There’s nothing here that couldn’t have been done in half (make that a quarter) of the time.  The big problem is the early scenes of our heroine getting high do very little to endear us to her character.  Imagine being stuck at a party listening to an annoying wasted chick yammer on and on and that might give you an idea of what you have to put up with.  At least she gets naked a few times (once during a three-way sex scene), which takes some of the sting out of it.

Once we finally learn what the drug has transformed her into, it’s a bit of a letdown.  I won’t spoil what happens, but I will say that director Joe (VFW) Begos brings nothing new to the subgenre.  Maybe it was the slower-than-slow burn that came before that soured me on the lackluster conclusion.

Also, I thought it was odd that before the movie began, there was a warning stating that the flashing lights could affect some photosensitive viewers.  However, there is no motion sickness warning for the scenes where Begos strapped a GoPro onto Madison and let her fly around the room, effectively giving the audience vertigo.  He really piles them on too in the final act, and the overall effect is just nauseating.  I guess he thought if the bloodletting wouldn’t sicken the audience, the camerawork would.

UNCUT GEMS (2019) ****

The secret behind Adam Sandler’s success as a dramatic actor is that the characters he plays aren’t too far removed from the ones that come out of his Happy Madison production house.  With a few tweaks here and there, the character of Howard Ratner in Uncut Gems could’ve been your typical loud, abrasive Sandler character.  However, you channel that energy into an absorbing storyline that features some terrific writing and exhilarating direction, and Sandler pulls it off effortlessly.  Compare that to someone like Jim Carrey.  When he tries to do a complete 180 from his usual persona in his dramatic roles like The Number 23, it sort of all falls apart. 

Like Paul Thomas Anderson’s Punch-Drunk Love, The Safdie Brothers’ Uncut Gems understands how to take the bare bones of an Adam Sandler vehicle and graft it onto an arthouse approach.  In both cases, they elevate Sandler’s game, not only by the writing and directing, but by carefully choosing the supporting cast.  Lakeith Stanfield, Eric Bogosian, Judd Hirsch, Idina Menzel, Julia Fox, and some surprising guest stars playing themselves, all lend Sandler fine support. 

To describe the plot would be a disservice to a potential viewer.  All I’ll say is that Sandler plays a jeweler up to his eyeballs in gambling debts who is trying to duck some very dangerous loan sharks and leave it at that.  The way the Safdies continuously up the ante and raise the stakes (gambling pun not intended, but what the hell) is a marvel of cinematic plate-spinning.  Imagine the last act of Goodfellas throughout the entire movie.  (Which is fitting, since Martin Scorsese was one of the executive producers.)  That’s the level of escalating intensity we’re talking about.  By the finale, your heart will be in your throat as the anxiety reaches its apex. 

This is some bravura filmmaking.

Gambling is another form of addiction, plain and simple.  As someone on the outside looking in, it is the filmmakers’ job to put the audience in the character’s shoes to show them the unfathomable lows and the stratospheric highs that come along with such an addiction.  Rationalizing that the reason everything is going wrong is because your big bet hasn’t paid off yet, so you continue to make bet after bet, hoping for a big payday.  Naturally, the euphoria that comes along with that giant windfall of cash is short lived as the gambler is all-too eager to bet it once again on a “sure thing”.  As an audience member, we are along for the ride as Howard wins, loses, and loses some more, and it is a rollercoaster.

Uncut Gems is a true gem of a movie.  It’s a pure shot of cinematic adrenaline.  Even those wary of Sandler should give it a whirl.  I think he will surprise you. 

STREET GIRLS (1975) ***

When the directors of Silent Rage and Diner team up to make a smut movie, they really bring the smut!  That’s right, Street Girls was directed by Michael Miller, who co-wrote the script with none other than Barry Levinson!  It’s sort of patchy and uneven, but it’s a lot better than Toys.

A good girl named Angel (Christine Souder) quits college and goes behind her father’s back to become a dancer at a topless club.  Before long, she’s graduated from dancing to turning tricks for a pimp and eventually gets hooked on heroin.  Her father (Art Burke) finally comes looking for her and teams up with Angel’s co-worker Sally (Carol Case) to find her.  Once he learns the two are actually lovers, the uptight dad rejects her help.  Trouble brews when Sally learns Angel’s pimp intends to sell her on the white slave market. 

The pendulum of quality swings wildly back and forth throughout Street Girls’ seventy-minute running time.  However, the sheer abundance of nudity is enough to propel it along.  These girls are naked onstage, backstage, in the bedroom, in the bathroom, on the street, and in the sheets.  The wildest moment is when an auto mechanic john wants Angel to take a golden shower.  (At least he provided her with a pair of goggles.) 

Despite the overall grim tone and grimy nature, the film still manages to show sensitivity towards its gay characters and their relationships.  Yes, there are some gratuitous stereotypes on display.  However, Street Girls pays more attention to their relationships more than a lot of the smut films of the era. 

The good performance by Carol Case (in her first and only role) as the likeable Sally certainly bolsters the movie whenever it starts to veer off course.  She sort of resembles Cybil Shepherd and has a lot of screen presence.  Souder (again, in her only film role) is also memorable as the little girl lost, Angel.  The male cast members aren’t nearly as convincing though.

The weakest scenes involve Angel’s father on his quest to find his lost daughter.  These scenes play as sort of a forerunner to Hardcore (but not nearly as good) and honestly, bog the picture down.  Luckily, he doesn’t hog the spotlight too much.  Whenever the film focuses on Angel’s slow descent into the scuzzier aspects of her profession, it’s damned fine ‘70s sleaze.

Oh, and did I mention the great blues soundtrack, performed by none other than Muddy Waters!

Angel’s pimp gets the best line of the movie when he tells Sally, “Turn that holy-hole into a money hole!”

AKA:  Crackers.