The Malibu Beach Vampires is a nearly incomprehensible and unwatchable mess. Before the title even appears, the film stock changes twice, time codes are visible at the bottom of the screen, and the editing is so bad it’s bound to make you cross-eyed. Sadly, this is about as good as the movie gets.
There’s no real plot to this thing. It’s almost like a bunch of movies that got thrown in a blender and were fed to the editor via an Uno Attack game. The easiest part of the movie to follow features a trio of girlfriends renting a beach house in Malibu for the weekend. There are also subplots involving a vampire girl trying to find love, a telethon ran by a pair of televangelists modeled on Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker, and a fake Oliver North guy being interrogated by Congress. These imposters horribly date the movie and none of them come close to eliciting the slightest chuckle.
I guess it might’ve been okay if the Jim and Tammy Faye scenes were saying something satirical about the couple or about organized religion in general, but they most seem like a vehicle for long tapdancing scenes and inexplicable religious song and dance numbers. It also doesn’t help that their telethon is just filmed at someone’s dance studio and not on an actual stage (or church). Director Francis Creighton plays the Jim Bakker character, and his performance is downright painful to watch.
Maybe I wouldn’t have been so upset if this had actually been about… you know… Malibu Beach Vampires. However, the eponymous ladies only take up about 7% of the actual plot. I’ve seen low budget movies where vampires wore cheap dime store plastic fangs, but this might be the first one where they wear Dracula fangs that are nothing more than Halloween wax candy lips.
Most of the time, it feels like you’re watching TV while someone with ADHD has the remote and is channel surfing like a goddamned lunatic. Either that, or it plays like a Kentucky Fried Movie kind of parody (minus the laughs), but the editor tried to (unsuccessfully) edit everything together into one continuous plot line. The results are nothing less than a big incoherent mess. In fact, the random cutaways to the sexy beach girls dancing to “Beach Blanket Bingo” are the only thing saving this turd from a No Stars rating.
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