SLAXX (2021) **

Libby (Romane Denis) is an idealistic young woman who gets a job working at a Canadian Gap knockoff store.  The place is buzzing with excitement as they have been chosen to be the site to launch a new line of jeans.  As the store goes on lockdown to prepare for the big sale, a pair of the newfangled jeans comes to life, goes crazy, and starts killing the employees. 

Slaxx is a none too subtle metaphor on corporate greed.  Companies like Starbucks always act like they’re trying to save the environment, but they’re really just trying to line their coffers by using trendy buzzwords to make themselves look saintly in the eyes of gullible millennials.  (Here, the jeans are “gender inclusive”.)  This sort of thing is an easy target, and yet the movie never finds anything to say on the matter besides the obvious.  It’s only seventy-six minutes long, so I’m sure a lot of this was just a means to pad out the running time.  However, the humor is too on the nose to really work as satire. 

Then again, what do you expect from a movie about a killer pair of jeans?  

While Slaxx isn’t exactly a hilarious send-up of the retail industry, it doesn’t quite work as a horror flick either.  All the lame jabs at corporate America would’ve went down smoother if the kills were memorable.  Most disappointing is the fact that almost all the death scenes happen offscreen.  The biggest letdown comes during a moment that seems to be building toward a big slaughter, but it cuts away before we ever get a chance to see it.  Bummer.

The most amusing bit involves the killer jeans doing a choreographed Bollywood dance routine.  If it couldn’t deliver on the gore, Slaxx really needed more of these WTF scenes to make it worthwhile.  As it is, moments like these are few and far between. I also dug the origin story that explained how the pants turned homicidal.  (It’s kind of like The Mangler, but with a pair of jeans.)   

Slaxx feels kind of like a movie Troma would make.  The only difference is, Troma would’ve made it fun (or at least gory AF).  I admire the concept.  It’s just that it stumbles hard when it tries to be About Something.  I think this would’ve made for a fun three-minute fake Grindhouse trailer.  However, even with a relatively brief running time, these slacks show wear and tear early on and become threadbare by the time everything’s all sewed up. 

HONEST THIEF (2020) *** ½

Liam Neeson stars as a bank robber who prides himself on precision and skill.  He stops his thieving ways once he meets the girl of his dreams (Kate Walsh).  He prepares to confess to his crimes and turn the money over to the Feds (he never spent a dime of the loot), in hopes of a reduced sentence so he can enter into a new chapter of his life with a clean conscience.  However, things go south when the dirty Fed (Jai Courtney) tries to take the money for himself.  There’s a scuffle, another agent winds up dead, and naturally, he puts the blame on Neeson.  Now, Neeson must go on the lam and clear his name before the Feds (both the crooked ones and the guys who are on the up-and-up) take him down. 

Honest Thief was one of those movies that played to empty theaters in the midst of the pandemic.  As much as I wanted to see it, I opted to wait and catch it at home.  Fortunately, it plays a lot better on the small screen than it probably did in an empty movie theater. 

I appreciated the fact that the pacing was deliberate, though self-assured.  The plot unfolds like a good novel, and part of the fun is seeing how, despite Neeson’s best intentions, things snowball on him and he gets deeper and deeper into trouble.  It’s a good moral dilemma.  He’s just trying to do the right thing.  However, he’s turned down by the Feds who thinks he’s just a crackpot.  Once he finally gets someone to listen, they wind up being a murderous thief.  I think we’ve all been at a moment in our lives when we try to come clean about something and it winds up blowing up in our faces, only making things much worse.  It’s kind of like that here.  Sometimes, honesty is not the best policy.  Or maybe, honesty IS the best policy, but you just have to go through a whole lot of shit to get out from under the truth. 

Walsh and Neeson are a good team.  They have enormous amounts of chemistry together, which makes them feel like a believable couple.  You truly believe Neeson’s need to confess comes from his love for her, and it’s not just a gratuitous machination of the plot (as is the case would be with so many other thrillers).  Courtney does a fine job as the single-minded agent willing to do anything to get his hands on the loot.  Robert Patrick also lends a touch of class to the proceedings as the unbelieving agent who winds up dead.  It’s Jeffrey Donovan who steals the movie as Patrick’s partner.  His character just got out of a messy divorce and wound up winning his wife's dog in the divorce settlement.  That means he brings the cute pooch along with him everywhere he goes.  It’s quirky touches like this that make Honest Thief sprier and more memorable than your average crime flick. 

The only real eye-rolls come from Neeson’s nickname, “The In and Out Bandit”.  It’s mostly there for a cheap laugh and the filmmakers run the thin joke into the ground early on.  It’s a small consolation that Neeson’s character seems to hate it as much as anyone. 

Like the main character, Honest Thief is precise, efficient, and reliable.  There’s nothing flashy about it, but it gets the job done.  Some may feel let down by the climax, which is a little low on action.  I for one thought it was a refreshing change of pace as it requires the hero to outthink his adversary and not outgun him.  There’s something to be said for that.   

AKA:  The Good Criminal.

THE POLKA KING (2018) *** ½

The Polka King tells the true-crime story of polka bandleader Jan Lewan who roped his fans into an elaborate Ponzi scheme.  While this material is slight to be sure, it makes an enormously entertaining showcase for Jack Black.  The role of Jan Lewan would not fall into the wheelhouse of many performers, but it fits Black like a glove.  A character that can allow him to simultaneously combine his natural gift for music and comedy all the while occasionally allowing him glimpses of dramatic flair and nuance?  It almost seems too good to be true.

Naturally, that’s what Lewan’s followers should’ve thought.  They willingly “invested” lots of money into his organization, that unexpectedly blew up into something bigger than he could’ve ever imagined.  They probably should’ve known something was shady, especially when he was giving them huge, guaranteed returns on their money.  Then again, when Lewan is able to deliver on such unlikely promises as a free bus tour to meet the Pope… well… maybe it was money well-spent. 

I think the movie’s point is that that his followers weren’t so much investing their money in a fraudulent pyramid scheme so much as they were invested in Jan himself.  He’s gregarious, fun-loving, and never has an unkind word for his family, friends, bandmates, and fans.  Also, for a so-called criminal, he busts his ass working odd jobs and running a gift shop while keeping his polka empire afloat.  

Black is terrific in the lead and the supporting cast does a fine job making the world around him as colorful as the suits he performs in.  Jenny Slate is well-cast as Black’s clueless wife who turns a blind eye to his business dealings out of love.  Jason Schwartzman is a trip as his right-hand man and trumpet player who goes through a hilarious transformation under his tutelage.  Jacki Weaver (who seems to be channeling Estelle Getty from The Golden Girls) is also quite funny as Black’s distrusting mother in-law.  Really, this is Black’s show through and through.  It’s a great performance and the movie is a perfect vehicle for him.

This wouldn’t necessarily be an awards contender or anything, but it accomplishes what it sets out to do.  It takes a thin premise and makes you actually care about Jan, even if his business model wasn’t exactly on the up and up.  It would make a great double feature with the equally enjoyable Bernie in which Black played another seemingly loveable fellow who’s actually a criminal.  There’s also kind of a Fargo vibe to it (at least the William H. Macy scenes from that movie) as Jan is always about one step away from having his scheme blow up in his face. 

Really, The Polka King is one of those Dark Side of the American Dream movies.  Instead of being about cocaine (like in Blow) or the stock market (like in The Wolf of Wall Street), it’s about Ponzi schemes and polka.  Just because the allure of polka music isn’t as enticing as drug runners and Wall Street fat cats doesn’t make it any less enthralling.

KING OF THE ANTS (2004) *

Before The Asylum got into the mockbuster business, they teamed up with horror legend Stuart (Re-Animator) Gordon for this weird neo-noir/torture porn/horror hybrid.  Chris McKenna stars as Sean, a painter who gets suckered by a rich contractor named Ray (Daniel Baldwin) to tail a suit down at city hall who’s causing problems for his business.  Things escalate quickly when Sean murders his target, which forces Ray to take matters in his own hands. 

King of the Ants starts out OK as things sort of play out like a modern riff on an old film noir.  The plot takes a turn though once the hero is captured and tortured by Baldwin and his cronies.  These sequences go on for far too long and are pretty repugnant.  Things get increasingly weird once he starts having bizarre hallucinations of Kari Wuhrer with a penis.  (I don’t know if this was supposed to be a homage to The Crying Game or not.)  Later, she appears to him as a grotesque shit-eating caterpillar that looks like a close cousin to Justin Long in Tusk.  What the fuck?  All of this is more unpleasant than scary and is sure no picnic to sit through. 

The third act is slightly better, although the fact that McKenna could get the wife of the man he killed to not only nurse him back to health, but make her fall in love with him too, is a little hard to swallow.  The finale where McKenna gets revenge on Baldwin and his crew also goes on too long.  In fact, the movie is too long in general, running one-hundred-and-two minutes, and feeling twice that length.

The cast is stacked top to bottom with talent.  Baldwin is ideally cast as the villain, and Vernon Wells and George Wendt (who looks like he’s having fun) make for a strange team as his sleazy crew.  Wuhrer (who made this just before she did all those Dimension DTV sequels) probably gives the best performance in the movie, but some of the stuff she’s asked to do is almost laughable.  The biggest surprise is seeing an uncredited Ron Livingston as her ill-fated husband, although he’s not given much to do besides die. 

The supporting cast is so good that they just make McKenna pale in comparison.  He just isn’t in the same league as his co-stars and is pretty annoying throughout the picture (but especially in the final act).  I can’t say the movie would’ve worked with a stronger leading man because it’s certainly repellent to the core, but he doesn’t do it any favors.

If King of the Ants was more of a straight noir thriller, it possibly could’ve been more tolerable.  However, the horror touches only make the whole ordeal more perplexing.  Since it’s neither fish nor fowl, I’m not sure if die-hard Gordon fans will even enjoy it.  It’s not quite as bad as Gordon’s Dagon, but it’s pretty awful in just about every way.

Gordon’s next was Edmond, a much better non-horror-but-still-sorta-horrific drama. 

ZACK SNYDER’S JUSTICE LEAGUE (2021) ***

Well, it’s real.  After years of endless speculation of its very existence, Zack Snyder’s director’s cut of the much-maligned Justice League is finally here.  Was it worth the wait?  Yes, and no.

Like most director’s cuts, it’s a good news, bad news kind situation.  For every marked improvement on the original (and to be fair, there are a few), there is at least one glaring omission or superfluous addition to make you furrow your brow and wonder, “Was this cut really necessary”?  That said, I like Zack’s movies and I’m glad from a filmmaker’s perspective that he was able to have his vision finally realized.

Most director’s cuts are overlong to begin with, but Zack Snyder’s Justice League clocks in at a whopping four hours.  What’s strange is that the first two acts (or first four parts, as it is broken up into six parts and one epilogue) are strong.  The changes are minor, and the additions help to flesh out the characters (mostly Cyborg).  While most of the early stuff is merely cosmetic (the villain, Steppenwolf has been given a CGI upgrade), there are moments where you have to wonder what the heck Snyder was thinking.  There’s a surprisingly tender scene between Ma Kent and Lois Lane that is genuinely moving, but it’s almost immediately undone by a surprise reveal that… well, I won’t spoil it for you, but it’s fucking dumb. 

The third act sees the most changes, most of which are for the worse.  The final battle feels a lot more condensed and lackluster compared to the original.  Plus, the return of everyone’s favorite Man of Steel isn’t as much fun as the theatrical version.  (Although this time he’s sporting a nifty black suit.)  Also, some of my favorite bits from the theatrical are totally missing.  I loved all the banter between the heroes in the Batjet (especially Aquaman’s confession to Wonder Woman), all of which are absent here.  Strangely, the most cringe-inducing thing is still present.  Of course, I’m referring to Aquaman saying “My man!” to Cyborg.  I would’ve thought that was a Whedon moment, but I was apparently wrong.  (Oh, and Aquaman is an even bigger Debbie Downer in this incarnation.)

Even the great stinger at the end, the race between Flash and Superman is missing.  In its place is a befuddling dream sequence set in a post-apocalyptic future that sees heroes and villains teaming up to face… someone I won’t spoil.  It’s just so out of left field that feels out of place with the rest of the movie. 

While the original film suffered from a whiplash in tone (due to Whedon’s reshoots), this one is more consistent throughout.  The thing I have always admired about Snyder’s DC movies is that he gives the heroes their proper mythic status.  Frank Miller always said, “Marvel is folklore.  DC is myth”, and Snyder gets that.  His battles are epic, and there’s nothing less than the fate of the world in the balance whenever the heroes are squaring off against the baddie and his minions.  He gives the characters a world to inhabit that has real size and scope and treats his heroes with reverence and respect that few filmmakers working in the genre have.  (He also gives Wonder Woman more moments to shine here and in Batman v Superman than she had in either of her solo outings.)  I mean, there’s one new sequence that involves a giant ancient intergalactic battle that features Amazon women, Green Lanterns, and motherfuckin’ Zeus battling aliens that is exactly the kind of WTF flourish that makes this version well-worth seeing. 

I have to say that while I am glad Zack got his moment in the sun to show the world his true vision, it ultimately pales next to Man of Steel and BVS.  Those films had an emotional core that this one lacks.  That’s mostly due to the fact that Superman, the heart of the DC Extended Universe, is largely absent from the proceedings.  (I believe it’s called “Search for Spock Syndrome”.)  Unfortunately, once he finally shows up, the movie really doesn’t know what to do with him (especially in this version).

So, I’m probably in the minority on this one, but I prefer the original to the director’s cut.  It may be a bit of a mess, but it’s an overall tighter picture (and is a lot easier on the bladder).  That really isn’t a surprise as I can’t think of many director’s cuts that improve on the original versions.  However, Zack Snyder’s Justice League is bigger, bolder, and more filmmaker-driven than anything Marvel has given us, so for that, it’s worthwhile.

TOMCATS (1977) ** ½

Four psychos go on a crime spree robbing restaurants and raping and killing waitresses.  The goons are arrested and brought to trial, but they get off because of a technicality.  Chris Mulkey stars as the brother of one of the victims who goes out for revenge.  His uncle (Blood Feast’s William Kerwin), a detective on the case, bends the law and turns a blind eye to Mulkey’s actions, allowing him his opportunity for justice.

Tomcats is basically a Death Wish rehash.  It’s a bit on the uneven side and is sometimes frustrating, but it certainly has its merits.  The opening attack sequence is surprisingly strong.  It also does the whole heavy breathing stalker POV camerawork thing rather well.  (A full year before Halloween made it chic.)   That’s the only real distinguishing stylistic characteristic though.  That cool scene aside, the rest of the picture is mostly drab and none too subtle. 

The finale is a bit of a letdown.  I mean the guys are all cretins.  You want to see them get what’s coming to them.  Unfortunately, most of the scumbags get off way too easy, which is sort of the big problem.  The shootouts and chase scenes in the third act lack sizzle too. 

The movie coasts on the strength of Mulkey’s performance.  He has a quiet, likeable toughness about him, and you can’t help but to root for him.  Wayne Crawford (who also co-wrote the script) is appropriately sleazy as the head rapist.  You just wish he came to a more fitting demise.  Kerwin (brother of Harry Kerwin, who also directed) is fun to watch, especially since he’s playing a slight variation on the character he played in Blood Feast.

Ultimately, Tomcats is better in its first half when it’s detailing the gang’s reign of terror.  Once it switches gears and becomes a revenge flick, it all kind of fizzles out.  Still, there’s still plenty of grimy atmosphere (not to mention copious amounts of T & A) to go around.  It’s not bad as far as ‘70s revenge flicks go, but it falls just short of being a good one.

Kerwin and Crawford reteamed for Barracuda the next year.

AKA:  Getting Even.  AKA:  Avenged.  AKA:  Deadbeat.

KID 90 (2021) ** ½

Punky Brewster’s Soleil Moon Frye took a camera with her wherever she went during her years as a child actor in Hollywood in the ‘80s and ‘90s.  Thanks to her incessant need to film everything, she has tons of footage of her famous child star friends.  Around the turn of the century, she put down her camera and locked all the footage away for twenty years.  When she finally took it out of storage and looked at it (which conveniently just so happened to be when she was about to star in a Punky Brewster reboot), she decided to make a documentary about it. 

It’s great to see footage of so many child stars in their prime hanging out, partying, and generally just being themselves.  This is the real reason to see Kid 90.  The new scenes of a mature Frye trying to connect the dots of how the footage shaped her life fall flat.  

Kid 90 is kind of coy about a lot of stuff.  I guess Frye was trying to maintain a certain level of innocence here (or maybe she just didn’t want to incriminate anyone), but in doing so, it ultimately comes off like a fluff piece.  The only real revelation is who she lost her virginity to.  I won’t spoil it here, but I’m sure you can probably guess who it is, knowing his reputation. 

The present-day interviews with the former child stars who appear in the footage offer little insight.  It must be said that some enjoyment can be had from their reactions to seeing footage of their younger selves after thirty years.  It’s just not enough to base a whole movie on. The scenes of Fry reconnecting with an old flame make for lackluster finale too.  (It would’ve made for a better climax if they managed to get You Know Who on camera.) 

The most shocking thing about Kid 90 is the fact that so many of the kids featured in the old videos are no longer with us (many by suicide or drugs).  It’s still fairly entertaining, even if the film is kind of skimpy on a cohesive through line.  I guess Frye coming through the other side as a survivor is narrative enough.  

If you watch Kid 90 for purely nostalgic purposes, you will probably enjoy it.  Honestly, I was hoping for something a bit more.  Then again, any documentary that contains behind the scenes footage of the 1995 Piranha remake AND Pumpkinhead 2:  Blood Wings is OK by me.