OUT FOR BLOOD (1993) ***

Don “the Dragon” Wilson stars as a lawyer hellbent on revenge in this better-than-expected Death Wish clone.  After his wife and kid are killed by drug dealers, Don goes into a kill-crazy fit every time he even LOOKS at drugs.  When he literally stumbles upon a drug deal in the middle of the street, he goes Batman on the dealers.  Yes, dear reader, I just may have applauded during the bit where Don grabs a brick of cocaine and tears it apart with his bare hands in glorious slow motion. 

 

It’s not all perfect.  You have to put up with a lot of flashback/deranged visions/waking nightmare sequences that are intercut with the action.  Some of them kind of play out like the final Tommy Gunn fight at the end of Rocky V.  They aren’t too intrusive on the action though. 

 

Most of the nightmare/flashbacks are due to the fact that Don has “selective amnesia” and can only remember snippets from the night his family was killed.  When he beats up a random bozo who’s high on PCP, he seems to remember a little more.  In an effort to further jog his memory, he puts on a purple and black outfit, goes out into the city at night, and beats up on more bad guys!  (The press eventually dubs him, “The Karate Man”.)

 

Don does a respectable job, all things considered.  I mean, most of the time he just furrows his brow like he’s got an ice cream headache during his flashback scenes.  However, when it comes to kicking ass, he excels.  The supporting cast is strong too.  We get an early performance by Return of the Living Dead 3’s Melinda Clarke as Don’s dead wife.  With her pale, sexy features, she looks positively ghostlike in the dreamy flashbacks which help make them pretty effective.  Shari Shattuck is also around to essay the role of the prissy love interest, and Andy Sidaris staple Roberta Vasquez pops up as well playing a cop. 

 

Overall, Out for Blood is kind of dumb, but it’s my kind of dumb.  (The twist ending is especially ludicrous.)  Even though it’s a bit uneven in spots, I’d still rank it as one of Don’s best.  It’s highly enjoyable and lots of fun. 

 

Naturally, Don gets the best line of the movie when he tells his wife:  “I feel naked without my beeper!”

 

AKA:  Karate Man.  

WILD GALS OF THE NAKED WEST (1962) **

The first ten minutes or so of Russ Meyer’s Wild Gals of the Naked West did not inspire confidence.  In one scene, Russ stages an Indian attack on the beach where the only prop is a flag planted in the sand?!?  Next, he recreates the shootout at the OK Corral without the benefit of any cowboys.  In fact, no actors can be found in both sequences, which rely heavily on narration and camera movement to create a nonexistent action scene.  I think these two scenes were probably added after the fact to bolster the running time because immediately afterwards ANOTHER narrator (this time an onscreen drunk prospector) shows up to tell us about the titular women.   

 

Fortunately for the audience, things improve drastically from there.   

 

Russ keeps the gags and jokes coming at a steady pace.  Some are less successful than others, but there are a few hearty laughs to be had.  Mostly, the film plays out like a series of loosely connected Laugh-In-style sketches with a fair amount of nudity thrown in there to disguise the fact that much of it isn’t very funny.  (Some, but not all the women wear pasties.)  There are scenes inspired by Harpo Marx as there’s a guy in a red clown wig who chases women around.  We also get a guy in an ape suit that shows up randomly.  Halfway through, something of a plot emerges as a stranger moseys into town looking to tame the Wild West and encounters its wacky inhabitants.  

 

It ultimately doesn’t amount to much, but the rest of the movie isn’t nearly as terrible as the first ten minutes would suggest.  Most of this is so lightweight that it will barely even register.  However, if you want to watch a lot of bouncing bosoms in a Wild West setting, Wild Gals of the Naked West should fit the bill.  

 

AKA:  The Immoral West.  AKA:  Immoral Gals of the Naked West.  AKA:  Naked Gals of the Golden West.  AKA:  The Immoral West and How It Was Lost.  AKA:  The Naked West and How It Was Lost. 

THE PINK BIKINI GANG VS. THE BLACK COBRAS (2013) **

The Pink Bikini Gang vs. the Black Cobras is sort of like a south of the border version of Charlie’s Angels.  The only difference is that they don’t speak English and wear pink bikinis all the time.  Their evil rivals, the Black Cobras all wear black bikinis and have cobra tramp stamp tattoos.  When the Black Cobras steal a valuable microchip, it’s up to the Pink Bikini Gang to recover the chip and take down the bad bikini girls.   

 

This has slightly better production values than a typical shot on video movie.  The acting is pretty bad, and because I understand very little Spanish, the plot was virtually indecipherable.  The fact that it was apparently the second entry of a trilogy of which I haven’t seen the first and third films didn’t help either.  However, it has a lot of girls in bikinis, so it’s certainly easy on the eyes.   

 

For a Lucha Libre fan like me, it helped that it featured Hurricane Ramirez in a supporting role.  It’s obviously not the original Hurricane, and it’s possibly not even his son or one of his other descendants.  (It’s hard to tell for sure because he’s wearing a mask the whole time.)  However, his participation alone made some of this foolishness go down smooth.  He’s involved in a couple of training sequences where he whips the heroines into shape in a gym, and he also spars with another luchador named Poco Rojo.  Unfortunately, there’s not enough wrestling action here to qualify it as a Lucha Libre movie.   

 

Overall, The Pink Bikini Gang vs. the Black Cobras feels like a cheap Mexican variation on an Andy Sidaris movie.  It’s not awful or anything.  It’s just that there’s not enough action or skin to make it recommended.  Like the Sidaris films, there are tantalizing scenes where the ladies in the cast get dressed.  To me, it’s a true sign of sexiness when a woman can get you hot while putting their clothes ON.  Too bad the heroines wait a long time to change into their supposedly trademark pink bikinis.  At least the Black Cobras wear their black bikinis throughout.   

 

While The Pink Bikini Gang vs. the Black Cobras is fitfully amusing, it ultimately leaves a lot to be desired.  The low budget is probably the main culprit.  (There are lots of scenes set in hotel rooms and lobbies.)  Whenever things get slow, we are treated to endless scenes of girls in bikinis walking down hallways while brandishing handguns.  I’m sure this a fetish for someone out there, and I have no doubt that when they see it, they’re going to love it.  In the end, these scenes didn’t do much for me, especially after about the tenth time.

 

I might’ve been able to get on board with all of this if the climactic Bad Bikinis vs. Good Bikinis showdown wasn’t such a long time coming.  I will admit that the extended yoga ball training sequence that concludes the movie is pretty great though.  More pictures should end this way, if I can be completely honest. 

EVE AND THE HANDYMAN (1961) * ½

The persistent Eve (Eve Meyer, wife of the director, Russ Meyer) follows a handyman (Anthony James Ryan) all around town.  Wherever he goes, she spies on him (usually while he’s peeping on various women) and takes notes.  After about an hour of foolishness, we finally learn why Eve has been stalking him.   

 

At first, Eve and the Handyman seems like it is going to be a clever switcheroo on the old Peeping Tom plotline as we have a woman Peeping Tom (would that make her a Peeping Thomasina?) peeping on a Peeping Tom while he’s peeping.  However, very little is done with the concept as it’s just a clothesline to hang a bunch of innocent, unfunny, and just plain dumb comic relief scenes.  The jokes and sight gags are all pretty lame, but I guess that’s to be expected in a nudie-cutie, a genre that’s not exactly known for its crackling wit.  

 

The most perplexing scene occurs when the handyman dips off into the woods where a nurse is waiting for him.  He then changes into ER scrubs and delivers a baby tree?!?  (He even spanks the sapling’s bottom.)  I have no clue what the heck all this had to do with anything, except maybe pad out the running time.   

 

I could deal with all the scenes of the handyman perving on women in the bathroom as he cleans toilets, ogling secretaries while washing windows, and looking down the blouses of waitresses in an ice cream parlor.  The other comedy shit was downright painful.  The big reveal at the end is corny too. 

 

I guess most of this would’ve been easy to stomach if the nudity was up to Russ’s usual standards.  Unfortunately, the skin quotient is appallingly low.  (I guess Russ wasn’t about to let his wife be projected nude onto hundreds of movie screens nationwide.)  Mostly, all we get is a woman shown nude from behind in a laundromat and another who has a brief skinnydipping jaunt in a creek.  Alas, no frontage is shown.  The only real nude scene comes during an artist’s model sequence near the end, but it’s too little too late. 

 

I know most of Meyer’s early movies are a little on the tame side, but this one is awfully lightweight and cheesy.  It’s neither funny nor sexy and has to rank among his worst films.  It’s not all bad though.  There is one sequence in particular that showcases a glimpse of Meyer’s brilliance.  It’s a great send-up of the old hitchhiking scene from It Happened One Night that would’ve made its own great stag loop or one-reeler (if it featured any nudity, that is). 

MORTAL KOMBAT (2021) *** ½

Nostalgia is a tricky beast.  I’d say Mortal Kombat 1-3 are the last video games I have any real nostalgia for.  (At least in the arcade anyway.)  Would I have enjoyed this new Mortal Kombat movie if I didn’t have nostalgia for the old games?  Probably, but the nostalgia factor certainly helped put it over the top.  I mean, I really enjoyed the original film when it came out in the midst of Mortal Kombat mania.  However, with the benefit of nostalgia, this one seems… even better?   

 

Let’s face it, I haven’t played a Mortal Kombat game since Part 4, so I’m out of the loop when it comes to the new stuff.  The games now have Robocop and Rambo and shit in them, which to me makes it seem less like Mortal Kombat and more like Ready Player One.  The good news is, this new adaptation is pretty much aimed at old video game nerds like me who are only familiar with the older games. 

 

The original movie was the best film you could’ve made from that material.  What makes this version interesting is that it usurps our expectations.  Instead of having the plot take place almost entirely within the confines of a fighting tournament, it’s about the bad guy trying to kill off all the heroes BEFORE the tournament even happens.  Some fans may be dismayed by this, but i kind of dug it.  I mean, the tournament fighting plotline has already been done to fatality… I mean, death, so this was a nice little change of pace.   

 

While it may not be the film some Mortal Kombat fans were hoping for, it’s filled with plenty of great gory deaths and little moments that fans of the games will love.  I mean there’s a scene where someone is defeated by leg sweeps alone.  In the game, this was a cheap move that even the most novice player could do to beat someone.  It’s such a deep cut that it makes me want to give the movie Four Stars just for this scene alone.  I can’t quite do that though as the flick overall is far from perfect.  However, it does offer up tons of goofy, gory fun.

 

The cast is fairly strong too.  Josh Lawson is awesome as Kano.  Trevor Goddard was great in the original movie as Kano, playing him as the guy you loved to hate, but Lawson really ups the ante here.  Every time he’s on screen talking shit to the other combatants, it’s a pure joy to watch.  He steals every scene he’s in and gets all the best lines like, “Maybe your [special move] is getting beat up by a hat!”  Kabal was my favorite character in the Mortal Kombat 3 game, so it was a real treat to see him being brought to life, especially when the filmmakers made him such a total asshole (although maybe not as big of an asshole as Kano).  Damon (Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood) Herriman’s voice work for the character is outstanding too and he gets some big laughs as well.

 

I was a little hesitant about the new character, Cole Young (Lewis Tan) who acts as the leading man.  He’s not in the games, and is more of an audience substitute, which really wasn’t necessary.  Thankfully, his character worked out as well as could be expected.  At least they give him an important lineage that connects him back to the game.   

 

I could probably nitpick this down to a *** review, but it’s hard to dismiss some of the big crowd pleasing moments and gory demises that makes it so much fun.  My favorite death came via a buzzsaw, but the old school Kung Fu fan in me appreciated the nod to Riki-Oh too.  As a fan of the game, I will admit I applauded at several junctures, something I haven’t done with a movie in a long time.

 

Overall, I think I enjoyed this more than the first movie.  I liked the way it expanded the world and scope of the game and integrated more mythology and backstories into the mix.  It may not be a "Flawless Victory", but it's one of the best video game adaptations ever made and a helluva lot of fun. 

UNHINGED (2020) ** ½

Unhinged was the first major release of the pandemic and it’s easy to see why because it’s a thoroughly disposable (but mostly enjoyable) little thriller.  While at first glance it may seem like a loose remake of Duel, it’s actually closer in spirit to those ‘90s “From Hell” thrillers in which the protagonist finds themselves at the mercy of a psycho who intends to make their life a living Hell.  In this case, it’s the Road Rage Driver From Hell. 

 

Single mom Rachel (Caren Pistorius) finds herself running late on her way to work.  In a rush, she honks the horn at a truck who refuses to go at a green light.  When the driver (Russell Crowe) demands an apology for her rudeness, she ignores him, and takes off.  He soon follows her and sets out to terrorize her both on and off the highway. 

 

Unhinged is a perfectly serviceable thriller.  It would’ve looked right at home on video store shelves twenty-five years ago next to the likes of The Hand That Rocks the Cradle, Unlawful Entry, and The Temp.  It played just fine for me at home with zero expectations and little fanfare.  I think I might’ve been a little pissed if I paid money to see it in a theater during a global pandemic though.   

 

Pistorius is a solid heroine.  What’s interesting is that she probably could’ve diffused the situation early on.  Instead, she only enraged the driver more.  I know she was having a bad day and running late, but his day was even worse (he killed his ex-wife and her lover and burned their house down).  They say you should always be kind to others because you never know what they are going through.  This isn’t exactly what they meant by that, but I guess it is the extreme version of that proverb. 

 

Crowe packed on the pounds and sports a shaggy beard as the aggressive driver.  I’m not sure if this was his test run for an eventual DTV career or if he was just looking to sink his teeth into a villain role, but he’s not bad.  It might’ve been better if they went with someone who really knew how to chew the scenery though. 

 

The first and third acts work the best.  It’s here where the film leans heavy on Duel for inspiration as the cat and mouse chase plays out on the highway.  These sequences also give us a few quality vehicular homicides and crashes.  The middle section where Crowe makes a couple of pit stops to terrorize Pistorius’ nearest and dearest are kind of unnecessary and help drag the pace down.  However, whenever Unhinged keeps it on the road, it’s a decent flick. 

THE CUTTER (2006) **

Daniel Bernhardt kills a bunch of archaeologists in Egypt and steals some priceless jewels from a mummy’s tomb.  He then travels to Spokane, Washington and kidnaps the only diamond cutter (The Love Boat’s Bernie Kopell!) capable of cutting the stones.  His niece (Joanna Pacula) then hires an experienced private investigator (Chuck Norris) to find her father and recover the jewels.   

 

The Cutter finds Norris in fine form.  He’s a little older and not quite as spry as he used to be, but he delivers a good performance.  The supporting cast is equally good.  Bernhardt fares pretty well as the villain, who in addition to being a martial artist and assassin, is a master of disguise and is fluent in several languages.  He usually seems stiff and uncomfortable in a lot of his movies, but he makes for a solid adversary this time around.  Pacula is a strong (and age-appropriate) leading lady, and it was fun seeing Tracy Scoggins popping up in the mix as a sexy cop.  Love Boat fans will probably enjoy it just to see Kopell in his largest role in some time as the titular cutter.   

 

While The Cutter contains some solid performances and a decent premise, the shitty action sequences really take the wind out of the movie’s sails.  In addition to the lackluster fights, shootouts, and car chases, there’s also a bunch of unnecessary zoom ins and outs, rapid fire editing, shaky-cam camerawork, and camera shuttering during many of the action moments and/or transition scenes that will almost immediately get on your nerves.  I know, I know, you couldn’t swing a dead cat without hitting a DTV action flick with terrible editing quirks in the ‘00s, but every time I see one it just further reinforces why so many of these things are sometimes painful to watch.  Fortunately, these little ticks become less and less frequent as the film wears on.  It’s just a shame that the big Bernhardt vs. Norris fights are close quarters affairs with uninspired choreography. 

 

Also, the flick is filled with a lot of unnecessary flashbacks that help pad out the running time.  It’s one thing for Chuck to have nightmares about the girl he couldn’t save early in the movie.  It’s another thing to have Bernhardt flashing back to killing the archaeologists, especially when we just saw him do it fifteen minutes earlier in the film.  If these moments had been cut, The Cutter would’ve moved along at a tighter clip.