DYNASTY (1977) ****

Exploitation legend Michael (The Touch of Her Flesh) Findlay was responsible for the 3-D effects for this Hong Kong/Taiwan co-production.  Sadly, he died in a helicopter accident while he was on his way to show potential investors his newly patented 3-D tech, just months before the movie was released.  Who knows what Findlay could’ve achieved if it hadn’t been for his untimely demise.  If the 3-D in Dynasty is any indication, he could’ve revolutionized the industry.  This is quite simply some of the best 3-D of all time.   

An evil warlord is out to murder a prince living in a monastery.  When he slaughters the prince’s Kung Fu master, he swears revenge.  Armed with only an umbrella, he sets out to murder the warlord’s generals one by one, working his way up the ranks.   

Usually whenever I review a 3-D movie, I keep a running tab of all the 3-D effects that poke out at the screen.  If I did that with Dynasty, I would be here all fucking day.  More stuff comes lunging out at the audience in the first ten minutes of this flick than a dozen full-length 3-D films combined.  Swords, arrows, spears, coins, branches, sticks, and more come jutting out at the audience at various speeds.  The villain’s Freddy Krueger glove also comes out quite a bit.  Seriously, don’t blink in the first half-hour of the movie because you’re liable to miss a 3-D effect.  I must’ve cackled, fist-pumped, and said, “WOW” and/or “HOLY SHIT” at least thirty times during a 3-D effect.  The depth-of-field effects are also quite beautiful as the composition of the shots are carefully laid out to make the best usage of the technology.     

The 3-D comes so fast and furious that you might kind of forget about the plot, which moves along almost as speedy.  Little plot tidbits like the Kung Fu master headbutting the warlord so hard that he forgets how to use his secret ability for exactly a week are just flat-out hilarious.  In fact, the plot moves so fast that you might not catch the implication that the villain and his new henchman are sleeping together.  If there is a flaw, it’s that the effects get a little sparse as the film is coming down the homestretch, but then again, you can say that about just about any 3-D movie. 

The gore is pretty great too, even if it’s not especially bloody.  The scene where the bad guy scalps his enemy and tosses it at the audience is particularly badass.  I also loved the scene where our hero cuts off a general’s hands and the general KEEPS on fighting!  The standout sequence is when our hero is ambushed by some ruffians carrying flying guillotines.  When a few Good Samaritans try to step in and help, they are promptly decapitated for their troubles.  The 3-D effects in this sequence are jaw-dropping.  

And who can resist the badass dialogue?  When the general asks our hero what he wants, he responds with, “YOUR LIFE!” 

This is a must-own for 3-D aficionados.  Kudos to Kino Lorber for including a blue/red anaglyph version of the film.  I sincerely hope they go back and reissue their old 3-D releases in this format since 3-D TVs are just about obsolete nowadays.  I for one would buy them all. 

AKA:  Chase After a Thousand Knives.  AKA:  Super Dragon.  AKA:  Ming Dynasty.

THE NIGHT OF MURDER (1975) * ½

Someone wearing a Blue Demon mask sneaks into a swanky hotel, kills the house detective, and makes off with some valuable jewels.  More murders occur, and the real Blue Demon quickly becomes the prime suspect.  While attempting to clear his name, Blue Demon uncovers a vast conspiracy whose goal is to discredit and ultimately kill him.   

Directed by Rene Cardona, The Night of Murder is one of the weakest Blue Demon movies I have seen.  I’m not saying every luchador flick I watch has to be in the horror or sci-fi genre, but without any fantastic elements, this one feels more like a boring Made for TV whodunit instead of the bonkers Lucha Libre cinema we’ve come to expect from Mexico.  The plot is boring, the pacing is sluggish, and the characters are unmemorable.   

Blue Demon himself is given very little to do for much of the movie as the cops spend the first act of the movie looking for the killer.  Things don’t exactly pick up once Blue Demon takes center stage.  The first big wrestling sequence is very ordinary too, and Blue Demon’s battles outside the squared circle with a variety of well-dressed henchmen are equally lackluster.  The weak femme fatale villainess doesn’t do it any favors either.  The finale where Blue Demon squares off against his evil imposter is decent, although it’s too little, too late. 

I know all these things can’t be winners, but I guess my expectations are set a bit higher when it comes to Blue Demon’s movies, especially one with Cardona at the helm.  Maybe the problem is that it is just a little too competent for its own good.  I mean, had there been cheesy effects, shots that randomly cut back and forth between night and day, and a silly plot, it might’ve been easier to handle.  As it is, The Night of Murder is more like a night of slumber. 

AKA:  Night of Death.  AKA:  Death Night.

THE FURY OF THE KARATE EXPERTS (1982) ** ½

The evil queen Queria returns to her kingdom and has a priest remind her what happened in the last El Santo movie, The Fist of Death.  Once she and the audience are brought up to speed, she proclaims, “And now I wish to share my happiness with all of you!” and promptly does a sexy Vegas showgirl dance number by a giant bonfire.  Since Queria is once again played by the buxom Grace Renat, her jiggly gyrations are an excellent way to kickstart any movie.   

El Santo and his bumbling sidekick are invited to the Jungle Girl and the Karate Prince’s wedding, so they parachute their way to the palace for the occasion.  Six minutes into the film and we have already seen an evil priestess doing a go-go number and a skydiving luchador.  This is what I call entertainment.

Unfortunately, after a promising start, The Fury of the Karate Experts kind of gets bogged down once an elderly professor and his frumpy daughter show up.  Luckily, Renat’s constant sexy dancing more than makes up for the sluggish passages (most of which revolve around characters boating through the Everglades).  The plot is also pretty thin this time around.  In fact, you’ll swear that the movie was comprised of outtakes and deleted scenes from The Fist of Death.  (The Jungle Girl’s origin flashback is shown once again in its entirety.)  We also get about a half a dozen subplots that are introduced in the last twenty minutes only to be immediately forgotten.  The ending is completely nonsensical too, but at the very least it’s virtually impossible to predict. 

Another issue:  For a movie called The Fury of the Karate Experts, there are very few karate experts on hand, and none of them seem especially furious.  

My favorite part was when Queria put El Santo under her spell and made him her slave.  Of course, if it was me wearing the silver mask, you wouldn’t have to put me under a spell if you looked like this:

Many of El Santo’s movies feature sequences that fluctuate from night to day in successive shots.  The Fury of the Karate Experts features what is probably the most egregious day-to-night-to-day scene of all time when a wild nighttime voodoo ceremony is intercut with scenes of people riding boats in broad daylight, with occasional cutaways to the moon to make things even more confusing.  Still, I can’t be too tough on the film when nearly half of the movie is devoted to Grace Renat doing her thing. 

AKA:  The Fury of the Karate Killers.  AKA:  The Fury of the Karate Masters. 

THE FIST OF DEATH (1982) *** ½

Queria (Grace Renat) is a sexy priestess who wears slinky white Vegas showgirl outfits.  During a healing ritual, she uses “The Star of Great Power” to cure crippled and blind villagers while her even sexier twin sister Kungyan (also Renat), who dresses like Elvira looks on.  The evil twin then taunts her sister by turning into hairy wrestlers, snakes, and even a tiger via jump cuts.  Kungyan then orders her badass henchman (Mexican wrestler Tinieblas) to steal the stone.  

Desperate, Queria turns to her idol, “The Oracle” for help.  The Oracle, it should be said, is nothing more than a C-3PO Halloween mask Krazy Glued to a funeral wreath.  (Kungyan has an Oracle of her own, which is a C-3PO Halloween mask spray-painted purple and glued to a mirror, so it looks like a bizarre version of the Magic Mirror from Snow White.)  Naturally, the Oracle tells her there is only one man who can help her, El Santo!

 

That’s right, El Santo doesn’t even show up for a good fifteen minutes, and it really doesn’t matter when so much of the movie is this entertaining.  He was nearing the twilight of his life, and he’s older, slower, and lumpier than we’re used to seeing.  That’s okay though because the supporting cast is colorful, exuberant, and a lot of fun to watch.  I haven’t even mentioned the subplot about the Karate Prince (Steve Cheng) marrying the sexy Jungle Girl (Sandra Duarte) or the evil queen’s plot to sacrifice her.

 

I don’t know where Grace Renat has been all my life, but she is incredible.  Yes, she is quite lovely as the good twin, but she is easily in the Hall of Fame when wearing her evil priestess outfit.  WOW!  She also does seductive dance numbers while wearing a spangly gold dress.  

 

Renat looks like a million bucks, but so does the movie.  It’s a lot more atmospheric and colorful than a lot of the later El Santo pictures.  That doesn’t mean the overall cheapness of the production isn’t endearing.  I mean, wait till you see the split-screen effect used to show both twin sisters on the screen at the same time.  You’re guaranteed to howl with laughter.

 

Somewhere around the halfway point, the breakneck pacing and rampant hilarity begin to wane.  It’s here where the film relies a little too heavily on padding in the form of scenes of El Santo walking through the jungle, taking leisurely boat rides, and going on scenic airplane trips.  These scenes still contain a few moments of laugh-out-loud cheese though (like when Santo tosses a henchman into the business end of a propellor).  Also, just when it looks like the film is about to peter out, Renat will do a crazed dance where she undulates wildly in front of the glowing stone, and everything is right with the world again.  

 

One could complain that The Fist of Death is low on action as Santo only gets one wrestling match, and a tag team affair at that.  The fights outside the ring are weak too, mostly due to his advanced age.  Many revolve around him simply deking out of the way of the opponent’s attacks.  Still, when the rest of the movie is this entertaining, it’s a minor quibble.

 

This was filmed in Florida back-to-back with Fury of the Karate Experts, which proved to be El Santo’s last starring vehicle.  

THE CONJURING: THE DEVIL MADE ME DO IT (2021) * ½

After a botched exorcism of a little boy, the spirit of a demon goes into his older brother.  A few days later, he kills somebody while under the influence of the demon.  He’s arrested for murder and it’s up to the paranormal investigating team of Ed and Lorraine Warren (Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga) to prove he’s not guilty by reason of demonic possession.   

The Conjuring Cinematic Universe is spotty at best.  There have been a couple of good entries, but the pendulum of quality swings wildly into the realm of cinematic shit just as often.  I knew I was in trouble when I saw this one was directed by Michael Chaves, who also helmed one of the worst Conjuring spin-offs, The Curse of La Llorona.   

The opening exorcism scene is laughable.  From the visual rip-offs of the Friedkin classic, to the cheesy looking body contortions, it’s pretty pathetic in just about every regard.  It only gets worse from there. 

This is also one of those movies where everyone speaks in hushed tones, so you have to keep turning up the volume on your TV to hear what they’re saying.  Then… BAM!  There’s a loud noise or a sting on the soundtrack and it about blows out your goddamned speakers.  (Speaking of which, I’m glad I was able to see this streaming at home on HBO Max instead of venturing out into the theaters.) 

For all the predictable jump scares, the only jump cut that works is a (intentionally) humorous one in which another one of the Conjure-Verse’s characters gets namechecked.  Other than that, it’s pretty much a mess.  Ultimately, it’s nothing more than a bunch of assorted ideas that never gel, including moments that rip off Amityville 2, A Nightmare on Elm Street 4, and The Shining.  

It might’ve been somewhat reasonable at ninety minutes, but since it clocks in at nearly two hours, it’s kind of a chore to sit through.  (Again, thanks to being home, I could pause it and make myself a sandwich or something whenever things got dull.)  It doesn’t help when much of the movie is so repetitive as many scenes boil down to Wilson standing around with a look on his face like he has an ice cream headache while Farmiga wanders off on a psychic field trip through a crime scene. 

The Conjuring:  The Devil Made Me Do It is not out-and-out awful like Annabelle, or as relentlessly dull as La Llorona.  I guess the presence of Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga alone guaranteed it wouldn’t be a total washout.  Even though this one isn’t very good, I kind of like seeing them growing old together and solving supernatural mysteries and shit, even if they look like they’re pretty much going through the motions this time around. 

The Conjuring Universe Scorecard: 

The Conjuring:  ***

Annabelle Comes Home:  ***

Annabelle:  Creation:  ** ½ 

The Conjuring 2:  **

The Nun:  **

The Conjuring:  The Devil Made Me Do It:  * ½ 

The Curse of La Llorona:  *

Annabelle:  ½ *

THE AMUSEMENT PARK (2021) ****

“One day you will be old.” 

Doesn’t sound so ominous, does it?  That one sentence, spoken by the great Lincoln Maazel at the beginning of George A. Romero’s long-lost The Amusement Park echoes throughout the rest of the film.  It is both a reminder and a warning.  A cautionary tale for the young and a bitter mirror for the elderly. 

Romero made The Amusement Park in the early ‘70s as a PSA for the Lutheran Church to raise awareness about elder neglect and abuse.  I think they were expecting something a little more… churchy.  I guess they didn’t realize that when you hire the director of Night of the Living Dead to make a statement, you get more than you bargained for.  In some ways, it is his most haunting and terrifying film.  Free from the constraints of a simple narrative structure, Romero was able to create a waking nightmare scenario dripping with symbolism, irony, and cruelty.  The church shelved the finished product, citing it was too disturbing, and who could blame them, really?  

As a jaded horror fan, I must admit it is one of the most disturbing films I have ever seen. 

That isn’t hyperbole.  The way Romero was able to recreate the sensation of being trapped inside of a nightmare you can’t escape is rather incredible.  I can count on one hand the number of films that have left me in a state of shock, sickness, and fear.  It is a movie that will make you scream, first out of fear, then out of anger. 

I won’t spoil the specifics, but I’ll give you the broad strokes.  Maazel is a kindly old man who despite numerous warnings, goes into a seemingly harmless, even joyous amusement park.  He soon learns it is an ominous death trap where the elderly are ridiculed, marginalized, imprisoned, and left to die.  Each one of the attractions on the outset seem to offer fun, solace, and happiness, but they all have their own pitfalls, causing the elderly riders much inconvenience, shame, and regret. 

I loved the way Romero makes the viewer feel as if they are in the grip of a nightmare.  The use of oversized props, repeated sequences, and subliminal appearances of a shrouded figure heighten the already intense atmosphere.  Maazel, who is incredible, is not only our battered main character, but also an audience surrogate.  The closer you are to his age, the more you will feel his pain, exhaustion, and fear.  Heck, I’m in my early ‘40s and I was having panic attacks throughout this thing. 

Not only is this a wonderful piece of cinema archeology (I can’t imagine this working half as well if it didn’t look like a ‘70s home movie that escaped from Hell), but it is also a treat for fans of George A. Romero.  He is clearly having a field day sprinkling in all his visual trademarks, peppering the screen with his usual stock players (he even has a cameo himself), and drenching the film with his signature irony.   

This is an angry film.  It is a condemnation of elder neglect and abuse.  The wraparounds featuring Maazel as himself offer some hope, but not much.  The reason it works so well is that at its heart, The Amusement Park is a good old-fashioned Christian Scare Film.  Scare Films don’t work if the audience isn’t scared.  And brother, you ain’t never been scared like this! 

One of the scariest things about The Amusement Park?  It was filmed in 1973 and nothing has changed.  

CURSE OF THE UNDEAD (1959) **

Here’s a horror flick from the late ‘50s Universal cycle that’s sort of slipped through the cracks.  It’s not very good, but it earns points for being the first vampire western.  Despite the novelty, it feels less like an earnest effort to blend two different genres and more of a slapdash attempt to string together two unfinished scripts.  

Drake Robey (Michael Pate) is a gunfighter in black who moseys into a quiet western town.  Buffer (Bruce Gordon) is a greedy ranch owner in the midst of a land feud with a prominent family.  After Buffer has the patriarch shot down, his daughter (Kathleen Crowley) hires Robey to get revenge.  Only the town preacher (Eric Fleming) suspects Drake is the one responsible for the rash of murders that have left the victims with two puncture wounds on their neck.

The western sequences are rote and uninspired; full of stock characters and standard issue cliches.  In fact, if it wasn’t for the vampire angle, Curse of the Undead would’ve been completely forgettable.  The problem is the horror elements aren’t all that great either.  The long flashback explaining the vampire’s origin is hokey and weak too.  The Old West variations on the usual vampire shenanigans are OK, I guess.  One thing is for sure, genre buffs will have fun spotting how and when the film rips off Dracula.  Ultimately, there aren’t nearly enough of these moments sprinkled about to make it worthwhile.  Still, it might be worth a look, if only as a curio.  

There are a few good ideas here.  The sequence where the preacher is stalked by the vampire starts off well.  (He can only see the vampire’s shadow and hear his footprints.)  It’s just that the execution is clunky.  I did like the Invisible Man-style special effects during the film’s final minutes though.

It also doesn’t help that the cast is bland from top to bottom.  Fleming makes for a square (I know he’s a preacher and all, but still), and Pate is no Bela Lugosi.  I’m sure you probably already knew that, but he’s not convincing as a hardened gunslinger either.  Gordon kind of looks and acts like Rodney Dangerfield when scared, which is kind of funny though.

Director Edward Dein later went on to make the much better The Leech Woman.

AKA:  Mark of the West.