PLAYMATE WORKOUT (1983) ***

Playmates Jeana Tomasina and Victoria Cooke host this workout video from Playboy.  During the intro they say, “This workout is for women… but you guys can watch too!”  

Jeana, Victoria, and a bunch of other Playmates stand in front of a white background doing calisthenics while wearing skintight workout clothes.  They start with a warm-up exercise before moving on to scissor kicks.  Eventually, the Playmates disrobe from various exercises like push-ups and lunges.  Sometimes, these nude sequences are set against a red background with a harsh red light shining on the Playmates.  I think they were trying to sell the idea that this was a “hot” workout, but personally, I much preferred the simplicity of the white background.  I could’ve also done without the scenes where the Playmates bring their boyfriends along to workout with them.  (“Exercise is rapidly becoming a co-ed affair!”)

For variety, there are sequences set in the backyard of the Playboy Mansion.  Playmates workout on exercise bikes and rowing machines, before hopping into Hef’s pool for some water exercises as well as a little recreational swimming.  Naturally, the slow-motion scenes of the Playmates jumping up and down on trampolines in slow motion is the highlight.  

Most of the time, the music accompanying the aerobics sessions are generic ‘80s instrumentals.  However, sometimes segments are accompanied by pop music like Paul Davis’s “I Go Crazy”, Kool and the Gang’s “Celebration” and “Get Down on It”, Shalamar’s “Night to Remember”, Kenny Nolan’s “Soft Rock, Hard Love”, Frankie Valli’s “My Eyes Adored You”, and The Chordettes’ “Mr. Sandman”.

As one can expect, there is very little here in the way of aerobic instruction.  There's more slow motion and long gazing shots of the women’s bodies than your typical workout video.  I mean, what did you expect?  This is Playboy after all.  Of course half the workouts are going to be shot like a video pictorial from the Playboy Channel!  If you want actual instruction, go watch that Jane Fonda crap!  

In an age where hardcore pornography is just a click away, all of this seems a little tame and innocent.  If you’re like me and enjoyed those nights back in the ‘80s when the Playboy Channel had their “Free Previews”, you should enjoy Playmate Workout.  If it fails at being a comprehensive workout, or comes up short as erotica, it certainly hits the right notes in the nostalgia department.  

AKA:  Playboy Playmate Workout.

PRISONERS OF THE GHOSTLAND (2021) **

In order to entice viewers, studios often put blurbs from critics on the movie poster.  Prisoners of the Ghostland might have the first poster in history that features a blurb from its star.  In this case, it’s Nicolas Cage who proclaims, “The Wildest Movie I’ve Ever Made!” at the bottom of the artwork.  If that doesn’t make you want to see it, nothing will.

Unfortunately, I’m not quite sure I agree with that bold statement.  Sure, there are moments of weirdness that stand out.  It’s just that the flick never really cuts loose and gets crazy enough to live up to Cage’s proclamation.    

Cage stars as a bank robber who is tasked with finding the daughter (Sofia Boutella from The Mummy) of Bill Moseley.  He is outfitted with a suit that is rigged with various bombs, so if he fails to complete his mission and/or gets other ideas, it will detonate and leave Cage without vital parts of his anatomy.  Once he’s suited up, he ventures into the post-apocalyptic wasteland to find her.

Prisoners of the Ghostland is weird, sure, but a lot of it feels like a bunch of weirdness for weirdness’ sake.  Like when Cage is about to leave on his mission and the town stands around and sings a nursery rhyme in unison… because… it’s weird.  Don’t confuse weirdness for originality as much of the film feels like recycled elements from other movies.  There are bits from post-apocalyptic actioners, Spaghetti Westerns, samurai dramas, and even other Cage flicks (like Drive Angry).  However, it never quite feels like a cohesive vision; just parts from other genre pictures that have been slapped together with Krazy Glue.  

Moseley is a lot of fun as the villain.  I’m not sure why it took so long for he and Cage to cross paths in a movie, but he pretty much steals the show as his character is basically a mashup of Colonel Sanders, Boss Hogg, and Foghorn Leghorn.  

Cage’s performance is a disappointing mixed bag.  For much of the running time, he is in Somber Cage Mode, but occasionally (like the movie itself), he hints at something more interesting lurking in the shadows.  Sometimes, he will slide into random outbursts of Cage Rage.  Take for instance, his line reading of the word, “Testicle”.  Only Cage could’ve come up with that.  On the downside, Cage has made so many of these offbeat movies now that he is starting to repeat himself.  Whenever he breaks out his Kung Fu moves in this flick, there’s a hint of Elvis in his posture and facial movements (like Honeymoon in Vegas).  During one such scene, he even blurts out his catchphrase from Deadfall, “Hi-Fuckin’-Ya!”  On one hand, it’s sorta funny for him to do a callback to one of his most famous performances.  On the other, it just sorta reveals that there isn’t a whole lot up his sleeve this time around.  (Aside from the detonator that is.)

Prisoners of the Ghostland is not without its moments.  There just isn’t enough of them to make it worthwhile.  It particularly goes off the rails as it enters the third act.  Not that a movie like this one had a firm grasp of the rails to begin with.

BLOOD SALVAGE (1990) *

Say you’re boxer Evander Holyfield and you’re months away from fighting Buster Douglas for the heavyweight championship of the world. How do you prepare for the fight of your life?  By producing and making a cameo in a shitty low budget horror flick, of course. 

Wheelchair bound teenage beauty queen April (Lori Birdsong) goes up and down the south with her family in their RV participating in beauty pageants. She catches the eye of a seemingly harmless looking tow truck driver named Jake (Danny Nelson) who helps the family when their RV breaks down. Little do they know he’s also in the spare parts business. And we’re not talking auto parts. We’re talking body parts as he keeps half dead people locked in his shed and sells off their organs on the black market to a seedy doctor (Ray Walston). 

Blood Salvage is a turgid mix of Texas Chainsaw Massacre (killer redneck family), Eaten Alive (the family keeps a gator on the premises), and Motel Hell (the half dead victims wailing). If it was just crude and dumb it would be one thing but the constant scenes of a paraplegic in peril are often tasteless and the scene where the killers suck out a little boy’s spinal fluid is borderline reprehensible. Even more offensive is the fact that it clocks in at a whopping ninety-eight minutes, which is about twenty minutes longer than it had any right being. 

If you’re curious to see it just for the participation of Holyfield, you might be disappointed. He’s only in one scene near the beginning as a carnie boxer. It has no bearing on the story whatsoever and his appearance was probably little more than a perk for being a producer. John Saxon also appears as the beauty queen’s father but he’s more or less wasted and gets sidelined for much of the movie once he gets captured. Walston looks like he’d rather be someplace else. Despite the progressive notion of having its main character be a handicapped beauty queen, our heroine is more annoying than sympathetic as her constant whining quickly becomes grating.  

In short, Blood Salvage belongs on the scrap pile.

CYBER VENGEANCE (1995) * ½

Will (J. Gregory Smith) is a guard/computer programmer in a virtual reality prison where inmates are kept in a state of perpetual virtual historical warfare.  When the sleazy warden (Robert Davi) finds out he’s befriending the prisoners, he puts Will into the virtual reality simulator.  He then pits Will in virtual combat against a bunch of rich fat cats who pay big money to hunt the prisoners in virtual reality.  

The early scenes are the best.  The opening sequence where Will is working the bugs out of a virtual reality fighting game held a lot of promise.  Not only does it feature Debbie Rochon as the video game princess; we also have Matthias Hues as “Thor”, the video game villain.  Shortly thereafter, there’s a great moment where Will is having sex with a big-boobed bimbo and his wife walks in to find him humping the couch while wearing his VR helmet.  Sadly, it’s all downhill from there.  

The rest of the film is a slow moving, dreary, bore.  It haphazardly hops around from genre to genre, which makes it hard to get your bearings.  Parts are like Tron, Lawnmower Man, The Most Dangerous Game, and Mortal Kombat.  None of it ever really gels.  

The early VR scenes are a heck of a lot more fun than all the historical battles and fights.  The virtual warfare scenes take place during Vietnam, the Civil War, and the Revolutionary War, among others.  (The Prohibition and western scenes are particularly draggy.)  The lurching back and forth between time periods gets monotonous almost instantly.  It often feels like the filmmakers just had a bunch of leftover props, costumes, and sets from other movies and tried to write a feature around what was available.  Either that, or it was one of those deals where they filmed a television series where each time period made up an entire episode.  Then, they realized they couldn’t sell it, and re-edited it into a feature.  That would go a long way to explaining the completely unsatisfying cliffhanger ending.  

Davi returned for the sequel, Absolute Aggression the following year.  That flick might explain what the heck happened after the abrupt ending of this one.  I’m not exactly itching to find out though.  

AKA:  Nexxus.  AKA:  Virtual Hell.  

GNAW: FOOD OF THE GODS 2 (1989) *** ½

A cancer research center is constantly pestered by college students who protest the fact they conduct tests on animals.  When the protestors break into the facility, they accidentally unleash some lab rats that ate a bunch of experimental growth hormone.  Pretty soon, there’s a bunch of giant rats on the loose and only scientist Paul (Chopping Mall) Coufos can stop them.  

I don’t know why they waited thirteen years to make a sequel to Bert I. Gordon’s The Food of the Gods, but I’m kind of glad they did.  Directed by Damien (Abraxus, Guardian of the Universe) Lee, Gnaw:  Food of the Gods 2 is the kind of bad movie I enjoy.  It’s certainly a lot more fun than the original.  While the first one had a big-name cast fighting giant chickens, worms, and rats, this one has a bunch of Canadians fighting giant rats.  (A scientist does wear a chicken pin on his lab coat, which I think is a nod to the original.)  

Oh, and there’s a subplot about a giant toddler too.  (Three years before Honey, I Blew Up the Kid.)  The effect for the (big) little boy is just as bad as something Gordon would’ve done.  You’ve got to love the fact that even though this movie came out thirteen years after the original, they were still using the same (if not worse) effects.  

As dumb as a lot of this is, I have to admit it is dumb fun as there is some hilarious stuff here.  I especially loved the scene of the hero scientist working in his lab that is scored and edited like a Rocky training montage.  I also got a kick out of the exterminator who looks and acts like Clint Eastwood whose preferred method of killing rats is a flamethrower.  Then there’s the insane part where a scientist cuts his finger on a slide containing the growth formula mixed with cancer cells and he turns into a giant, pulsating, dripping tumor man!  My favorite moment though was when Coufos is having a hot sex dream and then he starts growing to absurd size during sex!  Who needs Viagra when you got that experimental growth formula!  

More stupid, but irresistible shit:  The trusty Jaws subplot that rears its head in the final act.  (Maybe they just should’ve called it Gnaws?)  Even though there are giant rats on the loose, the dean refuses to close the campus because the synchronized swimming competition must go on as scheduled!  I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried, but I’m glad screenwriter Mike Werb (who would go on to write Darkman 3:  Die, Darkman!  Die! and Face/Off) did.

You’ve got to hand it to Lee.  He knows how to stage a giant rat attack.  Rats bite hands, maul faces, chomp on necks, and tear off arms.  In one scene, a guy gets attacked by a rat while taking a piss.  It all ends with a cliffhanger that unfortunately never got paid off.  I for one would’ve loved to have seen Chomp:  Food of the Gods 3.  Heck, I would’ve even settled for Nibble:  Food of the Gods 3.

AKA:  Food of the Gods 2.

THE NASTY RABBIT (1964) NO STARS

The actual on-screen title is Nasty Rabbit:  Spies-a-Go-Go:  AKA:  The Nasty Rabbit.  Man, you know you’re in trouble when the title can’t even make up its damn mind.  

I’m a bigger Arch Hall, Jr. fan than most.  I enjoyed Eegah.  I think The Choppers is better than most give it credit for.  I also thought his performance in James Landis’ The Sadist was particularly good.  Well, Landis must’ve forgotten everything about filmmaking by the time he made this.  I have to say The Nasty Rabbit is one of THE worst movies ever made.  It makes Wild Guitar look like Jailhouse Rock.  Co-written by Arch Hall, Sr., it is an inane and painfully unfunny spy comedy.  

Russia plans to wipe out the U.S. by unleashing biological warfare using a white rabbit.  A Russian agent (Michael Terr) poses as a cowboy and heads to a dude ranch.  Meanwhile, rock n’ roller Hall arrives on the scene as the ranch’s scheduled entertainment.  Actually, he’s working undercover with the American government to stop the Russian’s idiotic plot.  A sexy double agent (gangster moll turned Z-movie actress Liz Renay) also shows up to complicate matters.  

I can usually sit through a bad horror movie just for the cheesy acting.  I can usually sit through a bad sci-fi flick thanks to the horrible effects.  Sitting through a comedy that has nary a laugh is a horse of a different color.  The Nasty Rabbit is a hodgepodge of lame gags, idiotic sound effects, cutaways to animal reaction shots, unfunny stereotypes, and comic rodeo footage.  Oh, and did I mention the rabbit TALKS?!?

I guess it goes without saying that Arch is the best part of the movie.  The only problem?  He’s barely in it!  He’s set up to be the hero, but most of the time is devoted to the various spies doing awful shtick, acting imbecilic, and generally making you want to pull your hair out from its roots.  Heck, Arch’s song is kind of terrible (which is saying something), but at least when he’s on stage singing, that means no comic relief putz with a thick Russian accent isn’t doing a pratfall or running around in fast motion.

The only semi-clever moment is when a cowboy spy uses a spy phone located in his saddle.  Hall’s Eegah co-star, Richard Kiel also shows up as a tall cowboy.  The joke of course being that he’s a cowboy… who’s tall.  

I’m a self-professed bad movie lover.  The Nasty Rabbit is so bad that it made me rethink my life choices.  It’s the worst of the worst.  

AKA:  Spies-a-Go-Go.

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY: NEXT OF KIN (2021) *

Filmmaker Margot (Emily Bader) was abandoned as a baby.  Desperate to find her birth family, she decides to make a documentary of her journey.  After scouring the internet, she eventually learns she’s of Amish heritage and goes to spend some time on her family’s farm.  Margot gets permission from the sect to film the documentary and before long, she realizes something paranormal is afoot.  (The fact that she found an Amish family on 23andMe should’ve been a major red flag.)

It’s no secret that I am not a fan of the Paranormal Activity series, or of the Found Footage subgenre in general.  However, Next of Kin feels much too polished to belong in the franchise.  I know we have come a long way with technology in the years since the series began.  I know GoPro cameras and iPhones can give you a much better picture than the home video cameras of old.  It’s just that there are some stretches where it comes dangerously close to feeling like a “real” movie.  

Sure, there are the requisite shaky-cam and night vision sequences (the scene where Margot is being lowered into a deep cavern is especially nauseating), but some sequences betray the Found Footage format.  Take for instance the dinner scene where the Amish family rhythmically pounds their fists on the dinner table.  There must be ten or twelve cuts to various family members thumping their fists.  Did the camera crew have time to edit the footage before it was “found”?  

The looser-than-loose continuity makes it feel more like a one-off with the Paranormal Activity name attached than an honest-to-goodness continuation.  The finale, with its Gollum-like creature feels closer in tone to The Descent than anything in the previous movies.  There are also some visual cues from The Blair Witch Project too, which is kind of weird.  It’s like they forgot which franchise they were making a sequel to.  We do get one memorable bit involving a potato peeler, but for the most part, Next of Kin offers next to no entertainment.  

For my thoughts on the rest of the Paranormal Activity franchise, pick up a copy of my book, The Bloody Book of Horror on Amazon today:  The Bloody Book of Horror: Lovell, Mitch: 9781542566629: Amazon.com: Books