DEFCON 2012 (2010) NO STARS

Well, there’s nothing like a global pandemic to make you wistful for the end of the world hysteria surrounding 2012.  Remember the good old days when the Mayan calendar foretold we were all gonna croak?  Memories.  Anyway, all the nostalgia in the world ain’t going to salvage this horrible mess.  

The first twenty minutes of this movie (if it can even be called that) feels like a bunch of different scenes, ideas, and leftover video game footage that was cut up with a hacksaw and fed into an UNO Attack game.  Then, the UNO Attack spit the footage all across the room where it was then edited together by a chimpanzee with ADHD.  

A guy finds a DVD that purports to be a documentary of how the world will end in 2012.  Then, we inexplicably jump thousands of years into the future where we see a bunch of spaceship special effects that look like they came out of a PC game from the ‘90s.  After that, we focus on a bunch of scavengers shuffling through the ruins of Earth, which is to say a bunch of guys in Laser Tag uniforms stumbling around an abandoned mall.  Eventually, they meet another group of survivors who can speak telepathically, which is good for the actors because they don’t have to remember their lines, but bad for the audience since they have to listen to the echo-y dialogue that is dubbed over the (non) action.  This dialogue competes with an already overcrowded soundtrack that is filled with constant narration by the alleged hero, which is stupefyingly abrasive.  After every two or three sentences, he quips, “Like I give a shit.”  Buddy, if you don’t give a shit, how do you expect the audience to?

It feels to me like the filmmakers couldn’t sell this piece of crap if their souls depended on it.  So, what they did was slap bookending segments that were tenuously related to the imminent 2012 apocalypse and put 2012 in the title.  That alone was probably enough to get a distributor in 2010, when the world was still curious about the possible destruction of the human race.  If they had made it in 2022, I’m sure they would’ve had to put a COVID plotline in the beginning and called it Defcon COVID-19 in order to secure distribution.    

A few weeks back, I declared The Nasty Rabbit the worst movie I had ever seen.  At least that flick had the benefit of Arch Hall, Jr.  Defcon 2012 can’t even boast that dubious distinction.  What I’m getting at here is that I kinda wished the world ended back in 2012 so I didn’t have to sit through this garbage.

AKA:  Worldend 2012.  AKA:  2012:  Armageddon.

RATPOCALYPSE (2015) *

Casper Van Dien stars as an American senator who’s been having nightmares of being attacked by rats.  He believes the dreams are a message from a higher power, so when he goes to Russia to give a speech, instead of sticking to the script, he launches into a bizarre tirade.  Live on global television, he states that Russian politicians will turn into rats unless they give up their corrupt ways.  Naturally, people laugh off his little outburst until, of course, politicians start turning into giant rats.  Soon, everybody looks to Van Dien for a cure, but he prefers to go into hiding with the help of two sexy Russian hookers (Victoria Summer and Linda Bella).  

Van Dien has the look of someone who’s only doing it for the money.  Who can blame him with a script like this?  Catherine Oxenberg (Van Dien’s real-life wife at the time) co-stars as his long-suffering wife.  I think she was only in it for a free trip to Russia with her hubby.  Both Summer and Bella have brief nude scenes, which helps somewhat.  

Writer/director/producer Vladimir Uglichin is kind of like a modern-day Russian equivalent of Ed Wood.  He wears his heart on his sleeve, but just doesn’t have the budget or talent to back up his unlikely premise.  For all I know, there might’ve been some deeper meaning to all the rat symbolism in the picture.  Maybe it would make more sense if I was Russian.  I guess I can give him a mulligan on that and assume something must’ve got lost in the translation.  Or maybe he’s just certifiably looney tunes.

When it comes to the rat people, the CGI effects are about as bad as you’d expect.  Maybe even a little worse.  With a title like Ratpocalypse, you may be expecting something in the vein of Sharknado.  However, this is more of a political satire than a horror movie, and a rather unfunny one at that.  It all adds up to one of the most perplexing bad movies I have seen in some time.  Uglichin might not be talented, but he is earnest, which at the very least keeps it from being a completely unwatchable mess.  

AKA:  Higher Mission.  AKA:  Rats or Love Women.  

THE WITCH (1956) ** ½

A doctor is working on a revolutionary anti-aging serum.  When he refuses to share it with his colleagues, they send some burglars to his home to retrieve it.  The burglars kill his daughter in the process, which drives the good doctor over the edge.  He then enlists the help of a tragically ugly woman to exact revenge on the men who murdered his daughter.  The doc uses his serum to make her beautiful and she in turn helps lure the killers to their death.  Complications ensue when she falls in love with one of her potential victims.  

The Witch is an odd blend of genres and inspirations that never quite mesh.  It’s one part mad scientist movie, one part Freaks rip-off (the doctor has a band of amputees that do his bidding), one part Les Misérables (the underground network of poor and unfortunates who aid the doctor), and one part My Fair Lady.  In fact, there are some stretches of the movie that play like Pretty Woman, but with lap dissolve transformation scenes.  

While it’s semi-amusing to see where the wacky plot will go next, it ultimately comes up short.  That said, I’m a sucker for these old school black and white Mexican horror movies.  They always feel like they are stuck in some kind of time warp.  Even though it was made in the mid-‘50s, it often feels like an American horror flick from a Poverty Row studio from the early ‘40s.  Director Chano Urueta (who would later go on to direct the classic Mexican horror shocker, The Brainiac) does deliver on the atmosphere, even if the plot kind of goes around in circles.  

Overall, The Witch is still kind of fun as far as these things go.  The version I saw didn’t have subtitles, but I still had an easy time figuring out what was going on, which is also a testament to Urueta’s direction.  It’s just that it has one or two subplots too many to make for a crackling horror flick.

ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN MARVEL (1941) ***

People are all gaga for superhero cinema nowadays, but can you imagine a time when there were no superhero movies?  To find the first one, you have to go all the way back to 1941 with this twelve-chapter Republic Pictures serial.  The producers originally wanted to make a Superman serial, but when DC wanted too much money, they went to Fawcett Comics instead and secured the rights to Captain Marvel.  Naturally, DC later sued and bought up the rights to Captain Marvel before dropping the name and calling the character by his catchphrase, “Shazam!”  Then, Marvel came out with their own Captain Marvel and made her a woman, so you wouldn’t be confused that there were two Captain Marvels running around.  Got all that?

Anyway, Tom (The Mummy’s Hand) Tyler stars as Captain Marvel.  The young Billy Batson (Frank Coghlan, Jr.) accompanies an expedition to Siam to investigate a tomb.  When he refuses to raid the treasure, he is rewarded with the powers of Captain Marvel by the wizard Shazam.  All Billy has to do is say the word, “Shazam!” and he becomes Captain Marvel.  Meanwhile, the scientists from the expedition are targeted by the evil Scorpion who wants to build a death ray using artifacts found in the tomb.  

The flying scenes must’ve been really something for the time and remain OK by today’s standards.  In fact, many of the flying techniques pioneered here (a mix of rear screen projection and a dummy zipping around on a wire) would be used for decades after.  Also, Shazam’s powers (flying, deflecting bullets, and feats of strength) were most certainly the blueprint for the future screen versions of Superman.  What makes Shazam different from Superman is that when the chips are down, he will grab a machine gun and mow down a bunch of henchmen.  Rambo eat your heart out.  He also throws henchmen to their death (or at least their dummies anyway).  I know Batman has a “no killing” rule, but thankfully for the audience, Captain Marvel does not abide by it.  I mean this is the ‘40s we’re talking about here.  The Captain doesn’t have to follow all that Comics Code crap.  He can gleefully kill a bunch of henchmen, and all is right with the world.  

As is the case with most serials, it’s a bit tough to watch the entire thing in one sitting as it clocks in at over three and a half hours.  At least the cliffhangers have some variety to them, which makes Adventures of Captain Marvel a little better than your average serial.  The cliffhangers include exploding bridges, a cool motion-activated guillotine, exploding planes, runaway cars, and molten lava (a scene that was later repurposed in Radar Men from the Moon).

Tyler (who later went on to play another superhero, The Phantom three years later) is pitch perfect as Captain Marvel.  Although you just know he will escape each week’s episode unscathed, you still root like Hell for him.  It also helps that he only appears whenever Billy says “Shazam!”, which means he doesn’t wear out his welcome.  Coghlan, Jr. also does a good job as Billy Batson.  He has the right blend of “aw, shucks” wholesomeness but can still hold his own in a fight.  Sometimes, he doesn’t resort to transforming into Captain Marvel to save people, which is a nice touch.  It was also fun to see Ed Wood regular Kenne Duncan as The Scorpion’s right-hand man.  

THE MEATEATER (1979) **

Mitford (Peter Spitzer) is a family man who retires from his swell paying gig selling shoes to open a rundown old movie theater with his family.  Opening night does not go well.  The projectionist is electrocuted, and a dead body is found hanging behind the screen.  Despite that little hiccup, our hero is still determined to keep the theater open.  Unfortunately, there is a crazy old man (Arch Joboulian) who’s obsessed with Jean Harlow lurking about the premises.  He starts offing more people and eventually sets his sights on Mitford’s daughter (who is a dead ringer for Harlow) as his next victim.

Let’s get this out of the way.  I don’t know why the heck this is called The Meateater.  I mean the old guy chows down on a rat in the opening scene, but that’s about it.  So, if you go into this one thinking it’s going to be about cannibalism or something, you’re going to be massively disappointed.  

Sure, there are some long, dull stretches, but The Meateater has a weird energy only a late ‘70s homegrown horror production can offer.  There are a couple of fun bits (like the electrocution scene) and Z movie touches (the detective’s mustache disappears midway through) to ensure it’s not a total waste.  I especially dug the fact that the family books a nature documentary about a jungle safari as their first feature.  They advertise it as a “wholesome movie”, but it contains a scene of animals humping.  

These moments only crop up sporadically, so I can’t quite recommend it.  However, this is one of those movies that’s more fun to think about in retrospect.  I was kind of restless while watching it, but I found myself smiling a lot while writing the review.  The pacing is erratic, and the finale is weak, which didn’t help.  At least there’s some decent gore in the final minutes.  

The dialogue is good for some chuckles too.  I liked it when the detective gets his inept partner to cut the corpse down from the rafters.  When its head pops off, he yells, “Be careful!  That used to be a human being!”  Mitford’s wife gets the best line of the movie while cleaning up the theater:  “There’s pigeon B.M. everywhere!”

AKA:  Blood Theater.

MOTORCYCLE GANG (1957) ** ½

Anne (Jailhouse Rock) Neyland turns in a great performance as the tough and feisty motorcycle-riding Terry.  It’s easy to see why the leader of the local motorcycle gang Randy (Steven Terrell) falls head over heels for her.  Trouble brews though when the gang’s former leader, Nick (John Ashley) gets out of prison looking for a fight.  Things get increasingly tense between the pair when Terry begins dating them both at the same time.  

Directed by Edward L. Cahn for AIP, Motorcycle Gang was obviously meant to cash in on The Wild One.  However, the dramatics are a lot closer to Frankie Avalon than Marlon Brando.  Overall, it’s an interesting near-miss.  It came out a good decade before the biker movie craze of the ‘60s, so there wasn’t quite a blueprint for this sort of thing yet.  Even though it hits a few bumps in the road, it makes for a good ride.

The film is at its best when the so-called gang are racing their bikes.  The ending where Ashley (playing yet another Juvenile Delinquent hothead) and his gang terrorize a small town feels like it came out of another movie, and love triangle stuff between the three leads is a bit ho-hum, but Neyland is always fun to watch.  The fact that the teenage characters speak in an unending stream of hip ‘50s jive talk helps keep what could’ve been boring dialogue scenes engaging.  

The supporting cast is interesting too.  This was the next to last film for Carl Switzer, better known as Alfalfa from The Little Rascals who plays Terrell’s buddy, Speed.  He would sadly die two years later, shot in the dick.  The film also boasts a rare non-monster role for special effects man Paul Blaisdell, and ‘90s action fans will also enjoy seeing Aki Aleong making his motion picture debut as the owner of the local hamburger stand/juke joint.

The movie really belongs to Neyland though.  Her character’s opinionated, liberated, and bigger than life, something of a rarity in these films.  Her performance alone (OK, her constant use of hilarious slang helps too) makes Motorcycle Gang stand out from similar movies from the era.  It may not be the leader of the pack, but it’s far from bringing up the rear. 

HELL’S HIGHWAY (2002) ***

A foursome of college students travels through the desert on their way to Los Angeles.  Along the way, they pick up a sexy/scary hitchhiker (Phoebe Dollar from Goth), and it doesn’t take long for her to show her psycho true colors.  Thus begins a game of cat and mouse as she doggedly pursues the quartet of friends through the desert.

Even though Hell’s Highway (Dollar calls the road, “The Devil’s Highway”, but I guess the alliterative “Hell’s Highway” had a better ring to it) was made on an obviously low budget, it gets off to a surprisingly strong start.  The opening sequence where Dollar is picked up by a guy who looks to be a serial killer finishes off with a nice little twist.  

The following sequence had me worried for a second since it features the requisite stereotypical horror movie character who films everything with his camera, which leads to a lot of shaky-cam nonsense.  Usually, that’s a debit in a flick like this.  Luckily for us, it gives Skinamax siren Beverly Lynne an opportunity to gleefully flash her boobs for the camera every chance she gets.  Lynne, it must be said, is excellent in this.  They say the sign of a great actor is that they listen to their fellow actors speak instead of waiting for their turn to talk.  There is one scene where she doesn’t have any dialogue but is held in rapt attention to what the other characters are saying.  Not many actresses can steal a scene without saying anything at all, but Lynne is definitely one of them.  

Dollar is equally good as the psycho hitcher.  I admit, even though I’d be 99% sure she was gonna gut me like a fish, I’d still probably give her a lift.  She also gets to do a great Leatherface-style chainsaw dance and has lots of good lines like, “I’m not gonna kill you in cold blood.  I’m gonna warm you up first!”  There’s also a funny bit by Ron Jeremy as a motorist who gets his dick cut off.  

Sure, there are a couple of “Found Footage” sequences, but they work a lot better than most movies of the subgenre.  That’s because they are used sparingly and don’t have a lot of sequences that are needlessly dragged out.  The filmmakers also seem to be of the mind that these sequences are only here because Found Footage was hot at the time, which explains why a character gripes, “Next time, we bring a fucking tripod!”  That line alone is enough to make it the best Found Footage movie of all time, even if the Found Footage only accounts for about 15% of the running time.

Hell’s Highway is only sixty-nine minutes, so it doesn’t fuck around like many of its contemporaries.  It also boasts some surprisingly strong gore and splatter effects.  (There’s a gut ripping scene that has to break some sort of record.)  Director Jeff (Charlie’s Death Wish) Leroy lends the film some unexpected stylistic touches too, like the scene where the characters wait for a cellphone to ring.  It’s only in the final ten minutes does it stumble and stumble badly as the “twist” ending just doesn’t work at all.  That’s okay though, because there’s still enough fun, gore, and skin to be had in the first hour or so to make Hell’s Highway a winner.