STARHOPS (1978) * ½

Jerry (Dick Miller) is a cook who’s on the verge of losing his drive-in diner.  Frustrated, he sells the business to his waitresses Angel (Jillian Kesner from Firecracker) and Cupcake (Sterling Fraizer) for a song.  Along with the help of a French chef (Dorothy Buhrman), they entice customers by wearing skimpy Wonder Woman-inspired outfits.  Trouble brews when the head of an oil company (Al Hopson) wants to tear the place down and put up an “automated gas station of the future”.

Directed by Barbara (Humanoids from the Deep) Peeters and written by Stephanie (director of Terminal Island) Rothman, Starhops clings to the reliable cliché of having a couple of hot women using their sex appeal to drum up customers at a failing business.  While this is an ideal premise, it’s all much too tame for it to work.  It’s all tease and no please.  That would’ve been okay if there were some laughs to be had, but the humor is all juvenile and dumb.  

It also doesn’t help that there’s not enough plot here for an entire feature.  Because of that, Peeters has to pad things out with a gratuitous montage of people roller-skating (which looks like it came out of a completely different movie), a long disco nightclub scene (which features some prototypical breakdancing), and comically long scenes of the sun rising and setting.  (Not to mention the fact that they play the annoying “Starhops” theme song in every other scene.)  The flick was edited by Steven Zallian, and if those seemingly endless and pointless scenes are any indication, it’s a good thing that he eventually quit his day job as an editor and went into screenwriting as he would go on to win an Oscar for Best Screenplay for Schindler’s List. 

The cast do what they can with the limp material.  Kesner and Frazier are likeable, but they just can’t carry the entire movie on their looks alone.  It was fun seeing Peter (Ghoulies) Liapis as the klutzy love interest and Matthew (director of Freeway) Bright as an annoying customer though.  It was also a shame that Miller didn’t have more to do.  Once his grouchy character exits the picture (which is pretty early on), things quickly go downhill from there.

AKA:  Curb Service.

TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (2022) ** ½

Texas Chainsaw Massacre is dumb and gory and goofy, and I’m perfectly OK with that.  Like most of the other sequels in the franchise, it ignores everything but the first movie and acts like it’s the “real” sequel.  The fact that this is fifty years later and Leatherface should be about eighty by now might give one pause, but if you think about it, Grandpa was one-hundred-and-thirty-seven in Part 2, and he was still pretty spry.  I see no reason why an octogenarian Leatherface can’t go around Texas massacring with his trusty chainsaw.  

The way the movie tries to cram in a whole mess of 21st century social issues into the first act is fucking hilarious.  From gentrification to open carry to debate about the Confederate flag to school shootings (!?!), it is a hot mess.  None of these topics ever get a chance to blossom into a real point, mostly because once Leatherface pulls his chainsaw out of storage, it becomes a non-stop all-you-can-eat buffet of power tool carnage.  

The plot has a bunch of millennials buying a small Texas town in the middle of nowhere with the intention of turning it into a hipster haven.  The only problem is there’s a little old lady (Alice Krige) who still owns her home.  They don’t really give a shit and kick her ass out, and when she croaks, her son, Leatherface (Mark Burnham) goes ape, leading to one big millennial massacre.  

There are parts of this movie that just plain don’t work.  Bringing back the character of Sally Hardesty was an OK idea, but she isn’t really given much to do until the very end.  It’s almost as if the filmmakers saw Halloween ’18 and said, “Shit, they’re bringing back the old characters, so we have to too!”  Her story is an ill fit with the main plotline and feels more like an afterthought than anything.  It also doesn’t help that Marilyn Burns passed away some time ago and the new Sally (Olwen Fouere) isn’t all that great.  

Another debit is the lack of family.  With the exception of his mother, Leatherface doesn’t have any other relatives to help out with his slaughter.  This means it’s pretty much a one-man show, which is fine because this new Leatherface can saw ‘em up with the best of them.  Yet another shocking omission:  There is no cannibalism in this one.  Nor is there a dinner table scene.  Bummer.  I did like the twist on the original’s ending though.

On the plus side, this is quite possibly the goriest entry in the entire franchise.  Faces get hacked off, limbs get dismembered, heads are severed, and more than one person is impaled and lifted into the air on a buzzing chainsaw.  The best part comes early on when Leatherface stabs a guy in the neck with his own broken wrist.  You don’t see that every day.

The standout sequence comes when Leatherface climbs aboard a party bus fully of millennials, who, when faced with the prospect of certain death, opt to take out their phones and film everything instead of running for their lives.  One jackass says, “Try anything and you’re canceled, bro!” before Leatherface turns him into Tuna Helper.  Folks, it was moments like these when I wish this didn’t go straight to Netflix.  I would’ve given anything to hear the audience reaction to this scene in a packed house on opening night.  

Ultimately, it slips and stumbles in places, but this new TCM has a goofy charm and lots of gore, so it’s hard to completely dismiss.  As far as the recent trend of remake-a-boot-lega-sequels go, I’d say it’s much better than Halloween ’18 and more fun than Scream ’22.  I’d even go so far to say it’s probably about the fourth best Chainsaw overall, which is really saying something seeing how all over the place the series is.  It’s hard to say if the next Chainsaw will pick up where this one left off or if it will be another remake-a-boot-lega-sequel, but this one, while not exactly GOOD, will be a tough act to follow.

TRAILERS #3: SCIENCE FICTION OF THE ‘50S AND ‘60S (1992) ***

As you’ve probably already guessed, I’ve been on a Something Weird trailer compilation jag lately.  This one doesn’t quite have the same kick as some of the others I’ve watched, mostly due to the fact that there’s absolutely no blood, gore, trash, nudity, or sleaze to be had.  However, if you’re a fan of old school, low budget, and/or just plain cheesy science fiction flicks (and I certainly am), then Trailers #3:  Science Fiction of the ‘50s and ‘60s should fit the bill.  

Some trailer compilations that are devoted to one particular genre have a tendency to bog down, due to the lack of variety.  Thanks to the relatively brief hundred-minute running time, that never quite happens.  While there are a few trailers for such legitimate classics of the genre, such as The Thing from Another World, War of the Worlds, and The Time Machine, the concentration is really on the Grade B (Attack of the 50 Ft. Woman, It!  The Terror from Beyond Space, Return of the Fly), and Z (Bela Lugosi Meets a Brookyln Gorilla, Phantom from Space, Robot Monster) pictures, which makes for a fun time.  

Since I’ve watched so many of these things in the past few days, I had seen a few of these trailers in previous collections, although to be perfectly honest, it wasn’t nearly as many as I was expecting.  Studios such as Universal (Abbott and Costello Go to Mars, The Creature Walks Among Us, and The Mole People) and Columbia (Earth vs. the Flying Saucers, The Werewolf, and First Men in the Moon) are once again prominently featured, but ones from smaller outfits like Allied Artists (War of the Satellites The Giant Behemoth, and Attack of the Crab Monsters) also appear from time to time.  And as a fan of Mystery Science Theater 3000, I enjoyed seeing trailers for many of the movies featured on the show (It Conquered the World, The Giant Gila Monster, and The Crawling Hand) popping up here.

The complete trailer line-up is as follows:  Things to Come, Rocketship X-M, Destination Moon, The Thing from Another World, When Worlds Collide, The Day the Earth Stood Still, War of the Worlds, Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla, Abbott and Costello Go to Mars, The Creature Walks Among Us, Godzilla, King of the Monsters, Earth vs. the Flying Saucers, The Werewolf, It Conquered the World, The Mole People, The Spider (AKA:  Earth vs. the Spider), War of the Satellites, Attack of the 50 Ft. Woman, It!  The Terror from Beyond Space, Attack of the Puppet People, The Giant Gila Monster, The Giant Behemoth, Konga, The Crawling Hand, Children of the Damned, First Men in the Moon, Invaders from Mars, It Came from Outer Space, Phantom from Space, Robot Monster (which has a final title card that calls it “Monster from Mars), The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms, Killers from Space, Flight to Mars, Attack of the Crab Monsters, The Incredible Shrinking Man (narrated by Orson Welles!), The Man Who Turned to Stone, The Deadly Mantis, The Monster That Challenged the World, The Vampire, Return of the Fly, The Colossus of New York, Monster on the Campus, Terror from the Year 5000, War of the Colossal Beast, Night of the Blood Beast, The Time Machine, Beyond the Time Barrier (two trailers, actually), The Leech Woman, The Brain That Wouldn’t Die, Crack in the World, Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine, a double feature of Die, Monster, Die! and Planet of the Vampires, and Fantastic Voyage.   

EMMANUELLE: QUEEN OF FRENCH EROTIC CINEMA (2021) *** ½

This is an absorbing, informative, and at times, touching documentary about the creation of one of the most popular and influential softcore films of all time, Emmanuelle.  We learn about the movie’s inception; everything from producer Yves Roussett-Rouard buying the rights to Emmanuelle Arsan’s scandalous memoir to the hiring of noted photographer Just Jaeckin as director, and the discovery of the iconic star, Sylvia Kristel.  The tumultuous shooting is also discussed as the low budget crew were shooting without permits in foreign countries where nudie moviemaking was frowned up.  Finally, the documentary revels in the filmmakers’ success as Emmanuelle paved the way for an entire genre of erotica.  

The interviews with Roussett-Rouard, Jaeckin, and star Marika Green (who played Emmanuelle’s lover, Bee in the film) are insightful.  The many scholarly interviewees are equally enlightening as they are able to connect the dots and formulate why the movie was such a global phenomenon.  (Which basically boils down to sexual liberation, the loosening of censorship laws, and of course, Sylvia Kristel.)  In fact, Emmanuelle:  Queen of French Erotic Cinema is so well done that it’s almost a letdown that they only go in-depth on the first movie.  The sequels are quickly glossed over, and the legions of rip-offs are derided.  (The unofficial Emanuelle series are only shown in a series of lurid poster art.)  Maybe someday somebody will make the definitive documentary on the Emanuelle rip-off series.  I can at least hope.  Till then, this is a great doc on the first flick.

What elevates Emmanuelle:  Queen of French Erotic Cinema above most skin flick documentaries is the final section devoted to Kristel.  It’s here where we see a montage of clips culled from talk shows, interviews, and behind the scenes footage where the (male) hosts continuously ask tactless questions about nudity, backhandedly shame her, and generally act like pigs.  She answers all their questions in a professional manner, but the sadness in her eyes speaks volumes.  Even though she found success outside of the Emmanuelle films, for better or worse, she would forever be Emmanuelle in the eyes of the press.  While she appears nude throughout the documentary in scenes and ad slicks for the film, it's her wounded, sad eyes during these interview segments that leave the longest lasting impression.   

BLOOD-O-RAMA SHOCK SHOW (1994) ****

Here’s another fun horror trailer compilation from Something Weird.  It’s one of the best I’ve ever seen.  It features more classic trailers than you can shake a stick at.  There’s an art to making the perfect collection of previews, and with Blood-O-Rama Shock Show, Something Weird cracked the code.  It might fall just shy of their immortal Something Weird Extra Weird Sampler, but it’s top notch in just about every regard.  

I’ve seen probably over a hundred or so trailer comps over the years, and this one left me dizzy from all the amazing coming attractions that were crammed into the two-hour running time.  Most of these things usually start running out of steam at about the ninety-minute mark.  Blood-O-Rama Shock Show made the running time fly by.  When it was over, I kinda wanted to watch it again.  If that isn’t the true testament of a great trailer compilation, I don’t know what is.

Things kick off with a swell trio of trailers from Hemisphere Pictures:  Blood Fiend, Curse of the Vampires, and Mad Doctor of Blood Island.  Later in the collection, they turn up as part of various drive-in quadruple features, which is a great way to show how these films were repackaged (often under different titles) and rereleased to an unsuspecting moviegoing public.  There’s a great sampling of genres (vampires, zombies, and cannibal movies), eras (mostly ‘60s, ‘70s, and ‘80s), and quality, which adds to the fun.  Along the way, we get a taste of Something Weird’s catalogue of titles (Sins of Rachel, The Beautiful, the Bloody, and the Bare, and She Freak), some Grade A schlock (I Dismember Mama, Shriek of the Mutilated, and The Corpse Grinders), a handful of true classics (Vampyres, Dawn of the Dead, and Basket Case), plus many films from Herschell Gordon Lewis (Color Me Blood Red, The Gruesome Twosome, and The Wizard of Gore) and Andy Milligan (The Body Beneath, The Rats are Coming!  The Werewolves are Here!, and The Ghastly Ones).  All told, a horror fan’s dream come true.

The complete collection includes:  Blood Fiend, Curse of the Vampires, Mad Doctor of Blood Island, The Murder Clinic, Andy Warhol’s Frankenstein, Andy Warhol’s Dracula, Make Them Die Slowly, Tender Flesh, Sins of Rachel, Color Me Blood Red, The Body Beneath, The Beautiful, the Bloody, and the Bare, She Freak, Frankenstein’s Castle of Freaks, I Dismember Mama, Lila (AKA:  Mantis in Lace), The Gruesome Twosome, The Wizard of Gore, Sacrifice! (AKA:  Man from Deep River), Shriek of the Mutilated, The Flesh and Blood Show, Mark of the Devil 2, Private Parts, Blood Feast, Chiller Carnival of Blood (a quadruple feature that includes Blood Demon, Blood Doctor, Blood Fiend, and Blood Brides), Invasion of the Flesh Hunters, Dawn of the Dead, Basket Case, Mansion of the Doomed, The Blood-O-Rama Shock Festival (Blood Fiend, Brides of Blood, Blood Creatures, and The Blood Drinkers), Night of the Lepus, Caged Virgins, the iconic double feature of I Drink Your Blood and I Eat Your Skin, the classic triple bill “Orgy of the Living Dead” (containing Revenge of the Living Dead, Curse of the Living Dead, and Fangs of the Living Dead), Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS, Ilsa, Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks, The Corpse Grinders, The Gore Gore Girls, The Thirsty Dead, Disciples of Death, Meat Cleaver Massacre (narrated by Christopher Lee!), Night of a Thousand Cats, Don’t Open the Window, The Worm Eaters, Dawn of the Mummy, and Deranged.

SUPER HORRORAMA SHRIEK SHOW (1994) ***

Super Horrorama Shriek Show is a solid trailer compilation from the good folks at Something Weird.  It features nearly two hours’ worth of horror trailers, with a couple of spook show previews, intermission ads, and old commercials tossed in there to spice things up.  They are presented in chronological order (for a little while at least), which is cool because it gives you a sampling of the various trends throughout the years.  You also get a nice variety of horror stars such as Lon Chaney Jr., Vincent Price, Christopher Lee, Peter Cushing, and Michael Gough, all of whom pop up several times.  

The first half is devoted to trailers from the ‘50s and ‘60s.  Because of that, much of the early going is rather tame, but hang tight.  The trailers definitely get bloodier, gorier, and racier as they go along.  The relatively harmless stuff from Columbia (The Werewolf and Curse of the Demon) and Universal (Curse of the Undead and The Leech Woman) eventually gives way to the more adult offerings from Hammer (Doctor Jekyll and Sister Hyde and Frankenstein and the Monster from Hell) and AIP (Deathmaster and Count Yorga, Vampire), before concentrating on Blaxploitation (Blacula and Abby), undisputed classics (The Exorcist and The Texas Chain Saw Massacre), and slashers (My Bloody Valentine and Friday the 13th).  

Many of the trailers from the ‘70s featured in the second half are short and sweet (sometimes fifteen or thirty second spots).  While I would’ve liked to have seen the full previews for these films, they come at such a fast and furious pace that it’s hard to complain.  Since many of the ads are so brief, it gives us that much more room to cram more of them in there.  Sure, many of the trailers have cropped up on other collections before, and a lot of the prints are beaten all to hell, but connoisseurs of trailer compilations will have a lot of fun with Super Horrorama Shriek Show.  

The full trailer rundown includes:  The Return of Dracula, The Werewolf, Curse of the Demon, The Man Without a Body, Indestructible Man, The Cyclops, Fright, Horror Hotel, Giant from the Unknown, Curse of the Undead, Macabre, The Tingler, The Leech Woman, The Woman Eater, Blood of Dracula, House on Haunted Hill, Tales of Terror, The Premature Burial, Black Zoo, House of Fright (AKA:  The Two Faces of Dr. Jekyll), Horror of Dracula, Horrors of the Black Museum, The House of the Damned, The Old Dark House, Night Creatures, Doctor Jekyll and Sister Hyde, Dracula, Prince of Darkness, Berserk!, Circus of Horrors, What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?, Captain Kronos:  Vampire Hunter, The Fearless Vampire Killers or: Pardon Me, But Your Teeth are in My Neck, The Abominable Dr. Phibes, Dr. Phibes Rises Again, Count Dracula and His Vampire Bride (AKA:  The Satanic Rites of Dracula), The Werewolf vs. the Vampire Woman, Frankenstein and the Monster from Hell, a double feature of Night of the Witches and Dr. Frankenstein on Campus, Tales from the Crypt, The Chosen, Raw Meat, The Legend of Hell House, The Exorcist, The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, The Incredible Melting Man, The Children, The House Where Death Lives, Something is Out There, Rabid, The Car, Tourist Trap, Burnt Offerings, The Changeling, Terror in the Wax Museum, Point of Terror, The Tempter, Axe, Deathmaster, Rattlers, It’s Alive, Don’t Open the Window, Willard, Count Yorga, Vampire, Equinox, Seizure, a double feature of The Velvet Vampire and Scream of the Demon Lover, Humanoids from the Deep, Blacula, Sugar Hill, Abby, The Sinful Dwarf, Eaten Alive, My Bloody Valentine, Terror, and Friday the 13th, as well as a handful of ads for upcoming Something Weird releases.

RENO 911! THE HUNT FOR QANON (2021) **

I was a casual fan of the Cops spoof, Reno 911! and enjoyed the big-screen version, Reno 911!  Miami probably more than most.  Amazingly, it’s been over fourteen years since their last movie, so I was hoping Reno 911!  The Hunt for QAnon (which went straight to Paramount+) would’ve made up for all that lost time.  Unfortunately, it’s kind of a mixed bag.  While it’s fun to see everybody in their roles once again, there really aren’t a whole lot of laughs to be had.  

The plot probably wouldn’t have even cut it on a thirty-minute episode of the show.  Lieutenant Jim Dangle (Thomas Lennon) and his cronies in the Reno Sheriff’s Department are tasked with giving a summons to the leader of QAnon.  He learns the organization is about to have their annual Booze Cruise, and the police force travel incognito aboard the ship hoping to get a glimpse of the mysterious leader.  

The stuff on the boat is extremely hit and miss.  With a topic like crackpot conspiracy theorists, there is plenty of low hanging fruit to be squashed here.  However, Lennon and company don’t exactly go swinging for the fences.  In fact, with such a prime target, it’s kind of disappointing to say that the filmmakers let QAnon off pretty easily.  The celebrity cameos are OK (Patton Oswalt garners a couple of chuckles in a sizable supporting role), but honestly, I was expecting more (both in the way of cameos and laughs).  

It's a shame too because the opening is a lot of fun.  It’s in these scenes where the Reno police force have to come to terms with the changes in policing brought about by Black Lives Matter and anti-cop sentiment in general.  I think it would’ve been a lot funnier if that had been the film’s primary focus instead of the stuff with the cruise.  (The scene where the cast performs an extended cover of Billy Ocean’s “Caribbean Queen” is particularly cringe-inducing.)  Despite the promising start, once the ship sets sail, the movie gets lost at sea.