HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: CRIMES OF THE FUTURE (2022) ****

In the future, people start developing weird organs and shit, which starts to blur the line between what is and isn’t considered “human”.  Viggo Mortensen and Lea Seydoux are a team of performance artists who dutifully tattoo and register their newly acquired organs at Kristen Stewart’s office for “National Organ Registry”.  Oh, and by “performance artists”, I don’t mean they don clown make-up and recite slam poetry or shit like that.  I mean Viggo hops into his fleshy-pod while Lea performs a robo-autopsy on him WHILE HE’S STILL ALIVE as audience members gawk and salivate like extras from Café Flesh.  You know, because “SURGERY IS THE NEW SEX!”

Crimes of the Future is probably the David Cronenbergiest David Cronenberg has ever David Cronenberged.  After decades of making serious grown-up movies, The Man is back with a vengeance.  It’s like all those years making mainstream films caused all his cinematic excesses and fetishes to bottleneck and when he finally uncorked that sucker, it went nuclear.  Last week, in my review of Jean Rollin’s Dracula’s Fiancée, I wrote, “It has the confidence of a genre director in his twilight years gleefully indulging us with his cinematic fetishes one more time.  I respect that kind of shit.”  I could’ve easily been talking about David Cronenberg and Crimes of the Future.  

It's got all his weird little touches.  Growths, tumors, people being attached to machines that look like growths and tumors.  It’s also chockfull of Cronenbergian dialogue containing unending pseudoscientific gobbledygook and he never for a second stops to explain any of it.  As a lifelong fan of the man, I respect that kind of shit.

You know you’re in for something special right from the opening scene where a kid eats a trashcan.  His mother knows, once shit like that starts happening, there’s only one option:  Suffocate that little bugger in his sleep.  I mean, first it’s trashcans.  Then sofas.  Next thing you know, they eat you out of house and home.  Literally.  

I also love how at one art show, the guy who sews a bunch of ears to his face and body is kind of looked down upon as a poseur because, after all, “the ears don’t work”.  It may be the dystopian future, but we still must demand high standards from our artists.  Goddamned, I love this movie.

There’s an intriguing question that is proposed about halfway through:  Is Viggo just another mutant who’s popping out strange new organs, or is the “artist” willing these tumors into existence for the sake of art?  Cronenberg is basically saying that art isn’t just some intangible thing that you pull out of thin air, but a living, organic part of the artist themselves that must be surgically removed and displayed.  This point is further conveyed when someone asks Viggo if he’s working on anything new and he muses, “I don’t have a choice”.  

Mortensen is excellent, grunting, grumbling and grousing, but with a playful twinkle in his eye the whole time.  Seydoux is great too, but it’s Kristen Stewart who steals the movie by acting exactly like Chloe Sevigny hopped up on Spanish Fly.  In fact, this might be her horniest performance yet.  That on its own accord makes Crimes of the Future highly recommended.

It’s also full of great lines like, “I found her attractive… in a bureaucratic kind of way”, “There’s no crime like the present”, “Watching you filled me with the desire to cut my face open”, and “I’m sorry.  I’m not very good at the old sex”.  I never thought anything would surpass Videodrome’s mantra of “Long Live the New Flesh”, but “Surgery is the New Sex” comes awful close.  

In short, Crimes of the Future is a goddamned masterpiece.  I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it after I saw it, and I already want to watch it again.  It gets under your skin and demands to be reckoned with, just like a Cronenbergian tumor.

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: MR. HARRIGAN’S PHONE (2022) ** ½

When his eyes begin to fail him, reclusive billionaire Mr. Harrigan (Donald Sutherland) hires a young boy named Craig (Jaeden Martell) to read to him.  As the years go on, the two develop a strong friendship.  One day, Craig decides to bring Mr. Harrigan into the 21^st century and gives him a cellphone, which, much to his surprise, he takes to like a duck to water.  Eventually, Mr. Harrigan passes away, and at the funeral, Craig places his phone inside the casket.  Before long, Craig begins receiving ominous, indecipherable texts from his dead friend.

Written and directed by John Lee (The Little Things) Hancock, this adaptation of a Stephen King novella has echoes of Apt Pupil (older man bonding with a young boy) and just about every King story in which a kid uses supernatural powers to get back at his bullies.  (Martell himself is no stranger to King adaptations after starring in It Chapter 1 and 2.)  It exists in that middle ground of King films that aren’t scary enough to work as horror and aren't involving enough to function as a strong drama.  That said, the performances are solid, and Hancock handles the admittedly thin premise with enough panache to keep you watching, even if the whole thing feels more like an overlong Tales from the Darkside episode than a Netflix Original.  And like most Netflix Originals, it runs on about fifteen to twenty minutes too long. 

Mr. Harrigan’s Phone never really makes any major missteps, but it doesn’t exactly knock it out of the park either.  It’s probably most effective during the scenes where Martell gets butt dialed from beyond the grave.  The subplot where he uses the phone as an instrument of revenge is kind of neat too.  Despite being a little on the tame side, it remains a solid, disposable, little film that works more often than not. 

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: BARBARIAN (2022) **

I’ve always been iffy on the whole Airbnb thing.  Like, why would you stay in a stranger’s house when you could spend the night at a perfectly reasonable hotel?  Who knows what kind of maniac could live there?  Same with rideshare apps.  How are you supposed to know the person who’s picking you up isn’t a complete lunatic?  I haven’t done either of those things and I have made it this far in life without getting slaughtered.  Then again, if people in horror movies made smart decisions, they wouldn’t be in a horror movie.  

Barbarian tells the story of Tess (Georgina Campbell) who rents an Airbnb online, only to discover it’s ocupado.  Since the guy who’s renting it already (Bill Skarsgard) seems nice enough, she accepts his invitation to share the house with him for the night.  Tess slowly lets down her guard until…

People have been very good about not letting the secrets of Barbarian slip, so I will return the favor and refuse to go any further describing the plot.  I will say writer/director Zach Cregger does a good job setting up the characters and scenario.  It’s only in the second half when he pulls a Death Proof on us and starts to follow a new main character (Justin Long) does it begin to stumble.  Once we finally learn the big secret of what’s inside the house, I had already grown tired of being jerked around so much.  By that point I was nearly mentally checking out of the film, so the big reveal just didn’t make much of an impact on me.  

Lots of people had talked Barbarian up, so I guess my expectations were a bit too high.  To me, it really wasn’t as freaky as some were suggesting.  Again, I won’t spoil it, so I’ll tread lightly.  I’ll just say that… well… OK… it seemed like a pretty sweet deal to me, especially if you had a certain fetish that I won’t mention… again… due to spoilers.  I mean, c’mon, I’ve seen hundreds of worse fates in horror movies than the one that befell our hero here.

So, I guess it’s all relative.  I didn’t find the finale as shocking as many horror fans obviously did.  I won’t make a big deal about it though.  No use crying over spilled milk.

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: QUEEN OF BLOOD (1966) *** ½

In the future (1990), Earth receives a signal that they are not alone in the universe.  As the aliens make their way towards the planet, they wind up crash landing on Mars.  Scientist Basil Rathbone dutifully sends a rescue ship to greet them, and after they crash, astronaut John Saxon leads a mission to save the guys who tried to save the guys.  Saxon and his crew eventually pick up the stranded extraterrestrial traveler and are stunned to discover she is a total babe (Florence Marly).  The only problem?  She’s a space vampire.

Written and directed by Curtis (Ruby) Harrington, Queen of Blood is anchored by a terrific cast.  Rathbone played his share of scientists at this stage in his career, but for my money, this is one of his greatest late-era performances.  John Saxon is equally fine as he possesses a shade more human qualities than your typical space age square jaw type hero.  It’s also fun seeing a young, clean-cut Dennis Hopper (who also starred in Harrington’s Night Tide) as an astronaut.  He’s especially good in his scenes where he openly flirts with Marly (who is excellent in a silent role).  Look fast, and you’ll also spot Famous Monsters of Filmland creator Forrest J. Ackerman in a small role.

The special effects (which were taken from a Russian film, Dream Come True) are all over the place, but that’s what gives Queen of Blood its charm.  One scene you ask yourself, “How did they do that?” and then in the next, you quip, “My kid could do that!”  Some sequences use kickballs and paper Mache for planets and others utilize some damned fine rocket models.  Sometimes inconsistencies like that can be distracting, but here, it keeps you watching because you can’t wait to see what the heck kind of effects you’ll see next.

This would make a great double feature with Mario Bava’s Planet of the Vampires, which came out the previous year.  Not only do both of them combine ‘50s Space Movie tropes with vampires, but they also have bright, poppy cinematography.  Bava’s film might be a little more polished than Queen of Blood, but I would give this one the edge based on the cast alone.

It may start off a little slow, but Queen of Blood definitely delivers.  Once Marly boards the ship, Harrington piles shock after shock and continues to do so as the film enters the homestretch.  The shots of the alien bloodsucker stalking the corridors of the ship are quite atmospheric, the close-ups of her glowing eyes are effective, and Harrington wraps things up with one heck of a final shot.  All in all, this horror/sci-fi hybrid is an out of this world experience.

Harrington and Rathbone also collaborated on another Russian paste-up feature, Voyage to the Prehistoric Planet, the previous year.

AKA:  Planet of Blood.  AKA:  Planet of Terror.  AKA:  The Green Woman.

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: THE CURSE OF KING TUT’S TOMB (1980) *

What would Halloween Hangover be without a crappy Made for TV horror flick?  

Archaeologist Howard Carter (Robin Ellis) discovers King Tut’s tomb and its untold riches.  Shortly thereafter, people associated with the dig wind up dead.  Everyone seems to think the tomb is cursed, but Carter refuses to believe in such nonsense, even when the corpses begin to pile up.

The Curse of King Tut’s Tomb feels like a mummy movie without a mummy.  Not that a mummy could’ve saved this boring mess, but it would’ve given us SOMETHING to hang our hat on.  As it is, it’s chock to the gills with a bunch of scenes of stuffy British people digging in the desert, hanging out in tombs, and becoming victim to a series of “accidents”.  Since it’s a TV flick, it’s all tame and lame.  There’s a scorpion attack, death by snake bite, and even a killer mosquito!  Others die by suffocation and plane crash.  You might die of boredom.  All this is weak as shit, but there is at least one unintentionally hilarious freeze frame of a dog’s reaction to its master’s death.  

Eva Marie Saint is top billed as a reporter who becomes sort of a half-assed love interest for Ellis late in the game.  She’s obviously supposed to be playing a character much younger than herself, but she feels like someone’s grandmother that inexplicably arrived in Egypt.  Ellis is a total dullard and makes for an awful “hero”.  Doctor Who’s Tom Baker also shows up for a bit as his shady assistant with hidden motives, and Paul Scholfield provides the narration that adds absolutely nothing to the proceedings.

The scariest thing about the whole deal is the sight of Raymond Burr in brownface and wearing a turban as Ellis’ chief rival who wants to get his hands on King Tut’s treasure.  His scenes all boil down to grimly warning and/or subtly bribing officials about Ellis.  One or two of these scenes would’ve sufficed, but we get like eight or nine of them, further adding to the tedium.

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: BLOOD MOON (2015) ** ½

Colorado, 1887.  A werewolf stalks a dilapidated ghost town whenever there is a blood moon.  A stagecoach stops to rest their horses and its passengers are taken prisoner by a duo of bank robbers hiding out in the town.  When the moon glistens blood red, a Native American “skinwalker” begins to take out the passengers one by one.  

I’m a sucker for western horror movies.  Most of the time, these things center around vampires, so it’s somewhat refreshing to find one about a werewolf in the Wild West.  Low budget westerns nowadays are a tricky thing to pull off, but director Jeremy Wooding does a fine job for the most part.  I think the most surprising thing about Blood Moon is the fact that it was able to sustain my interest for as long as it did even though the monster was kept off screen for much of the running time.  It is a testament to the actors (mainly, Shaun Dooley as the grizzled gunfighter, Anna Skellern as a sexy saloon owner, and Eleanor Matsuura as a Navajo guide) who are able to keep you invested in the drama during the werewolf-free passages.  

Unfortunately, once the werewolf shows up, things kind of fall apart.  While Wooding is adept at setting up the tension in the early stages, the third act when our heroes finally duke it out with the werewolf is sorely lacking punch.  Although the werewolf itself isn’t awful or anything (it’s certainly better than something you’d see in a Howling sequel) and the gore effects are surprisingly solid, the attack scenes in the last ten minutes or so fall flat,.  The final showdown with the beast is anticlimactic at best, and things are wrapped up way too quickly in the end.  Still, all things considered, it’s probably the best werewolf western I’ve seen in a long time.

HALLOWEN HANGOVER: SHUTTER (2008) ** ½

With original horror films being all the rage nowadays, it’s fun to look back at a time (not so long ago) when remakes ruled the scene.  Specifically, remakes of Asian horror flicks.  In 2008, no less than three Asian horror remakes flooded theaters:  The Eye, One Missed Call, and Shutter.  Even though I have more or less a distain for the subgenre, I probably liked all of them a little more than the general consensus.  (I certainly liked them more than the originals.)

Like many remakes of Asian horror films, Shutter is a rather watered-down PG-13 deal.  (Oddly enough, the original Shutter was a Thai film, but this American remake is set in Japan, I guess to ride the coattails of The Ring, The Grudge, and the like.)  Most of the scares come from blurry pictures, CGI-enhanced snippets of body horror, and split-second jump scares.  As far as these things go, it falls well short of being “effective”, but it is definitely more watchable than the rest of its ilk.  

Joshua Jackson stars as a photographer who just got married to the lovely Rachael Taylor.  His job moves him to Japan, and while driving, Taylor hits (or thinks she hits) a woman on the road.  Once they get settled into their new digs, the couple’s bliss doesn’t last for very long.  It seems every time either of them takes a picture, the specter of the woman appears.  Is she seeking revenge on Taylor?  Or does she have other plans?

Well, let’s just say I figured out the twist about five minutes into the flick.  Despite that, the performances by Jackson and (especially) Taylor keep you invested, even when the plot is spinning its wheels.  While most of the horror is your generic, run-of-the-mill PG-13 stuff, there is at least one solid sequence where the ghost tries to make Sexy Fun Time with Jackson.  One can only imagine how far this could’ve gone with an R rating, but this scene is memorable enough to give Shutter an edge over most Asian horror remakes of the ‘00s.