HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: 555 (1988) ***

A psycho dressed as a hippie is going around murdering couples while they are in the throes of passion.  Afterwards, he has sex with his female victims.  As it turns out, every five years, for five nights, the killer murders five couples.  With the cops unable to crack the case, a nosy reporter named Susan Rather (Mara Lynn Bastian) sticks her nose into the investigation. 

555 is one of the quintessential shot-on-video slashers of the ‘80s.  Most times, SOV horror flicks are perfectly content being SOV horror flicks.  When they do have aspirations of trying to approximate a “real” movie, the results can be disastrous.  This one is much more successful than many others that aim to give you low budget thrills on less than a shoestring. 

555 represents writer/director Wally Koz’s only attempt at filmmaking.  It’s kind of a shame he didn’t do more stuff.  Not many directors can give us the sight of a topless woman being covered in blood before the opening credits have finished rolling, but Koz manages to do just that. 

Speaking of which, the gore is excellent.  While the various stabbing scenes are well done, it’s the decapitated head gag that’s the most impressive.  SOV or not, big budget horror movies would be hard pressed to replicate the effect.  (It’s so good that the head is even on the poster.)  The gore scenes are repeated at the end, mostly as a way to pad out the running time, but it’s a nice little curtain call all the same. 

The admittedly not bad ‘80s video cinematography and the point-and-shoot sex scenes kind of makes this feel like a porno with the penetration cut out and blood and gore added in.  (Instead of the traditional “money shot”, we have shots of blood splashing on the women’s breasts.)  The narrative is similar to a porno too. Sex.  Plot.  Sex.  It also kind of reminded me of Blood Feast, what with all the scenes of the exasperated cops trying to crack the case.  The scene where the way-past-her-prime reporter tries to seduce a witness for information is also pretty amusing. 

The acting is a little better than you might expect (depending on your expectations for something like this), but the dialogue contains some real howlers like, “One doesn’t come across decapitation and mutilation every day!”  My favorite line though comes when one of the cops hits on the reporter and she snaps, “I’d close it up with Super Glue first!”

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: VAMPIRES VS. ZOMBIES (2004) *

This was released by The Asylum back before their mockbuster days.  It’s supposedly based on the vampire classic Carmilla.  I haven’t read the story, but I’m pretty sure it didn’t have scenes where the title character argued with greasy gas station clerks about using the bathroom. 

During a zombie outbreak, a concerned woman (Brinke Stevens, the lone star of the film) asks Travis (C.S. Munro) and his daughter Jenna (Bonny Giroux) to take her daughter Carmilla (Maritama Carlson) to safety.  Little do they know Carmilla is actually a vampire who is looking to put the bite on Jenna.  After a series of setbacks, the group presses on and eventually makes their way to an abandoned convent where they are attacked by a horde of zombies. 

Basically, Vampires vs. Zombies boils down to a bunch of driving scenes.  Whenever our main characters stop for gas or break down on the side of the road, they are attacked by zombies in bad make-up.  This quickly gets monotonous.  The useless dream scenes only add to the running time (and confusion).  It’s also annoying that when the big confrontation finally happens, the camera cuts away and/or dissolves once bodies start getting chainsawed.  Not only that, but it gets even more confusing once the movie tries to pull off multiple “it’s all a dream/hallucination” scenes.  Just because your lead character is trapped in the nuthouse and dreaming the whole thing (or is she? Argh!) doesn’t mean you can just cobble a bunch of nonsensical unrelated scenes in the last five minutes and call it an “ending”. 

More than likely what happened was the filmmakers had a Carmilla short they couldn’t sell, so they added a bunch of zombie footage to it (zombies became highly marketable at the time thanks to the success of 28 Days Later and the Dawn of the Dead remake) and The Asylum picked it up for distribution. 

Stevens also shows up as a State Trooper at one point.  I thought it was going to be revealed that she was actually her evil vampire character in disguise, but nope.  She’s just playing another role.  While she easily gives the best performance(s) in the movie, Brinke fans are bound to be disappointed. 

On the bright side, the lesbian scenes between Giroux and Carlson, while short, are decent.  Both ladies also appear topless, which prevents it from being a total waste of time.  Ultimately, Vampires vs. Zombies winds up being a losing battle on all fronts. 

AKA:  Carmilla, the Lesbian Vampire.

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: THE CURSE OF THE VAMPIRE (1972) *** ½

A blood disease breaks out in a small European hamlet.  Naturally, the superstitious locals believe it’s caused by a vampire.  The new doctor in town sets out to get to the bottom of things. 

In most vampire movies, the doctor would’ve been played by Peter Cushing or somebody.  In this one we get the voluptuous blonde bombshell Diana (Dracula vs. Frankenstein) Sorel.  The film is also surprisingly progressive for the time as none of the characters seem shocked that the new doctor is a woman. 

Anyway, the doctor is called to give care to a sickly old baron (Antonio Jimenez Escribano) at his mansion.  Afterwards, he invites the good doctor and her hot nurse Erica (Beatriz Elorrieta from Blood Hunt) to spend the night.  As it turns out, the baron’s son Karl (Nicholas Ney) is a bloodsucker looking to put the bite on the ladies. 

I was worried when I saw the running time on IMDb was listed at 102 minutes as my copy was only 85.  According to the site, there’s a longer version that has more blood and nudity.  Well, if this is the “tame” version, the hot and spicy version must be guaranteed to knock your socks off.  This one was pretty damned hot. 

The highlight comes when the Baron’s niece Margaret (Loreta Tovar) has a lesbian vampire sex scene with a servant girl played by Maria Tovar.  If you’re wondering why they have the same last name, well… it’s because they’re real-life sisters!  If this is indeed the cut version, I can’t imagine what was taken out since this scene doesn’t leave much to the imagination.  This leads me to suspect that despite the running time discrepancy, this is probably the unexpurgated cut.  (It would make a good double feature with Twins of Evil.) 

I mean I guess this could be the edited version.  There are some scenes where the camera cuts away before the women start undressing.  But damn son, the camera doesn’t turn away for an instant during the incestuous lesbian vampire sex scene. 

The lore is kind of strange and confused as the people only turn into vampires during the full moon.  I don’t know if the screenwriters got their wires crossed or what.  Still, you probably won’t care, thanks to the copious amounts of vampire T & A.  (Not to mention all the scenes of women running around in see-thru nightgowns.)

In fact, there’s so much sexuality on display, you may even forget that there’s some quality filmmaking going on here and there as the film has its fair share of atmospheric moments, particularly near the end.  The scenes of the hot vampire women frolicking around the castle grounds look as though they may have inspired Vampyres.  But yeah, it’s that lesbian scene between actual sisters that you’re going to remember The Curse of the Vampire for.  It’s one for the books.  

There are probably too many characters (although I did like that the servants seem to know a helluva lot more about vampire hunting than the main characters), but it’s not to the point where it gums up the works.  I could get nitpicky about other shit, but I’m inclined to love any movie that ends with a vampire bondage orgy in a dungeon.  This scene is so crazy that one of the characters is driven insane just from taking part in it.  You may feel the same way. 

AKA:  The Curse of the Vampyr.  AKA:  Horrortrip.

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: THE SEX SERUM OF DR. BLAKE (1973) ***

I’ve wanted to see this ever since I read about it in the Psychotronic Encyclopedia of Film.  (Where it was listed under its original title, Voodoo Heartbeat.)  It was considered a lost film for decades until it was recently rediscovered by Vinegar Syndrome who put it out as part of their Lost Picture Show collection. 

Government scientists are hard at work perfecting a fountain of youth serum.  After some enemy agents are killed trying to steal the formula, Dr. Blake (producer Ray Molina sporting some of the sickest sideburns I ever did see) stumbles upon the serum.  Naturally, being a man of science, the first thing he does is run home and try it out on himself.  Unfortunately, the serum has one tiny side effect:  It turns him into a psycho rapist vampire!

Directed by Charles Nizet, who made the incredible Help Me… I’m Possessed, The Sex Serum of Dr. Blake starts off with a lot of long-winded exposition and a seemingly endless scene of natives walking through the Serengeti.  Just when you begin to get restless in your seat, along comes a great scene where a scientist witnesses an African tribe performing an eternal youth rite where the women dance naked around an old guy and he magically becomes young again.  Then, of course, they bone him.  Sadly, it ends with the gals cutting his heart out.  I guess all good things must come to an end, but what a way to go!   This scene has some real Manos vibes to it… If Manos had an all-black softcore orgy, that is. 

Later on, we get a decidedly unsexy sex scene where a fat guy gets a massage from his hot Asian wife before they get it on.  I’m not saying this scene is cringe, but it’s about as hot as Bat Pussy.  Thankfully, the scene ends before things begin to get too graphic. 

Just so we are clear:  This isn’t what we would traditionally refer to as a “good” movie.  The rating is for pure entertainment value.  We have actors clearly reading from their scripts and flubbing lines, completely random and wholly unnecessary sex scenes (including one in the desert where a couple drives a pun about “skindiving” into the ground), and some OK gore (there’s a cool bit with a hacked off hand).  Sure, there may be some gaps in between the highlights and a few lulls in the action, but more often than not, the film delivers a memorable and/or downright silly payoff.  Whether it’s worth the wait or not, I’ll leave up to you. 

I guess you’re either the kind of person who is chomping at the bit to see a previously lost horror skin flick or you aren’t.  I mean any movie that brings to mind Manos AND Bat Pussy is worth a look.  I don’t know if it lived up to the poster I saw in Psychotronic all those years back, but I still kinda dug it. 

AKA:  Voodoo Heartbeat.

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: LAS VEGAS STRANGLER (1968) *** ½

Jeff (Robert Dix) is a seemingly normal guy who saves a dance hall girl named Lori (Gillian Simpson) from being roughed up by a drunken customer (John “Bud” Cardos).  He then takes her for a night out on the Vegas Strip, and they wind up getting married.  The next day he brings her home to meet his domineering mother (June Drake, who co-wrote the script) who naturally disapproves of the marriage.  Unbeknownst to the new bride, her hubby likes to sneak out in the middle of the night and kill brunette hookers, showgirls, and party girls and retain swatches of their hair for souvenirs. 

Co-written by Oliver (The Mummy and the Curse of the Jackals) Drake, Las Vegas Strangler is a real find.  It’s a stylish and fun psycho-slasher that packs a pop.  Not only are the strangling scenes well done (the one in the swimming pool is reminiscent of Dementia 13), but our killer also stabs, electrocutes, and impales his victims.  The mostly memorable part though is the trippy dream/vision of topless women going around on a carousel. 

The film also features a swinging score that’s a combination of jazz, rock, and blues guitar, including a great theme song “No Tears for the Damned” (which was also its alternate title).  We also get a fun number called “Demon of Love” as part of a finger-snapping night club act.  The Las Vegas location work is excellent both on the Strip and in the casinos themselves. 

The scenes with the disapproving mother feel like something out of a William Castle movie, while the stuff with the hookers plays like a West Coast version of a New York roughie from the era.  There’s a great sequence when Dix crashes a party where there’s drinking, dancing, and strip poker.  While all that’s going on, a drunk crawls around in all fours and peeps on various couples (and throuples) boning.  One short segment is even set to the tune of Tommy Roe’s “Dizzy”!  Incredible. 

Las Vegas Strangler is full of good-looking women, plenty of T & A, and stylish kills, which makes this a minor classic.  There’s also a surprising (for the time) gay subplot in there for good measure.  All in all, it’s another fine gem rediscovered by the good folks at Vinegar Syndrome for their Lost Picture Show Blu-Ray box set.  The only real complaint is the abrupt ending, although I have a feeling it could’ve possibly been missing its final reel.  Either way, it’s a blast. 

Simpson’s Cockney hooker character gets the best line when she says, “For Christmas they raffled me off for a hundred dollars and a turkey!”

AKA:  No Tears for the Damned.

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: VICIOUS (2025) **

Dakota Fanning stars as a young woman all alone in a big empty house when one night a seemingly confused and lost little old lady (Kathryn Hunter) rings her doorbell.  She quickly takes pity on the woman and invites her inside.  After some chitchat, the woman gives her a mysterious box and informs her she’s going to die if she doesn’t put the things it craves inside. 

It’s a solid set-up for a horror story.  Writer/director Bryan Bertino knows how to set the stage, which makes sense since he also made The Strangers.  Like that film, he gets a lot of mileage out of someone alone in their house (or at least thinking they are).  He does variations on the famous scene in The Strangers when the heroine can’t see someone is standing behind her, but the audience can.  However, that winds up being the only trick up his sleeve and he goes to that well a few too many times over the course of the film.  He also overuses The Mamas and the Papas “Dedicated to the One I Love” for ominous effect. 

I liked The Strangers a little less than the general consensus.  I tried to give this one as much leeway as possible since Fanning is quite good, especially since this is a one-woman show for a good chunk of the running time.  Ultimately, I had the same major problem with Vicious that I had with The Strangers, which is that this may have worked as a short, but when stretched out to feature length, it quite often tests your patience.  In fact, the longer it goes on, the weaker it gets.  (The subplot late in the game when Fanning tries to pawn off the curse on someone else is clunky and feels tacked on to pad things out.)

A sturdy first act and a strong performance by Fanning aside, Vicious just seems more like an exercise than an actual experience.  It’s set at Christmas, so if you’re looking for a holiday-themed horror flick this winter, this might fit the bill.  Die-hard horror fans will probably be left unimpressed though.  Other than a decent bit involving self-mutilation, there’s little here to live up to the title. 

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: SKULL: THE MASK (2021) ***

Archeologists find a skull mask while on a dig in the Amazon.  When the woman in charge brings it home, her girlfriend uses it as part of an ancient black magic ritual, which naturally goes horribly wrong (or horribly right depending on how you look at things) and they both wind up dead.  Before you know it, the skull attaches itself to a beefy guy and makes him run around the city ripping people’s hearts (and guts) out.  It then falls on a tough but crooked cop named Beatriz (Natallia Rodrigues, who kind of looks like Rebecca Ferguson a little) to stop it. 

Skull: The Mask is a bizarre action/horror hybrid that is a gory good time.  Parts of it kind of reminded me of Evil Dead and Dead-Alive (especially the scene with the preacher).  Even then, it manages to feel fresh and original. 

The old school gore effects will be the main draw for many viewers.  In addition to all the heart and gut ripping our titular killer does, he also strangles a guy with his girlfriend’s guts, rips out throats, hacks off faces, and crushes heads.  The standout scene of carnage comes when the skull man shows up to a Halloween costume unnoticed and mows down several partygoers in gruesome ways.  Another memorable bit occurs when a woman is murdered in a pool of blood while wearing a T-shirt of the shower scene in Psycho with Janet Leigh.

The action and fight scenes offer a mixture of Kung Fu and Saturday Night Wrestling maneuvers.  I lost count of how many times the killer choke-slammed his victims.  (That’s a good thing.)  The trippy cosmic hallucination sequences are pretty cool too. 

After somewhat of a slow start, things really sizzle once the mask finds its host.  Then, it’s off to the races.  I mean, not only does it feature a badass slasher, it also contains some shit I’ve never seen before (including a guy dressing his bullet wound with a tampon).  Who could ask for anything more?

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: THE LONG WALK (2025) ****

Based on the harrowing novel by Stephen King (using his Richard Bachman pseudonym), The Long Walk takes place in a not-too-distant totalitarian future.  Every year, a contest is held wherein fifty boys from fifty states participate in a walking marathon.  The catch is if they stop walking, the armed battalion creeping just behind them will shoot them dead. 

Licorice Pizza’s Cooper Hoffman is Ray, who acts as sort of a beacon of hope throughout the walk.  He tries to inspire his fellow walkers to press on, even when their situation turns grim.  Mark Hamill (in his second King adaptation after Sleepwalkers) is pure evil as “The Major” who issues edicts and warnings from atop his slow-moving Jeep. 

This was my second favorite Bachman book (behind Rage), and I always thought it would make a great film adaptation.  Maybe we had to wait till now to get one.  It’s the perfect political climate for such a chilling tale. 

I never saw those Hunger Games movies, but I think director Francis Lawrence learned enough from them to deliver a badass futuristic game of do or die.  His style is very cut and dry, which serves the desolate road setting nicely.  He doesn’t gussy it up either when someone gets their ticket punched, as the scenes where the boys are gunned down are sometimes brutal. 

What I liked most about the movie was that it dealt with questions any viewer may have about the logistics of the walk head-on and without flinching.  For example, going to the bathroom in a contest where you’ll be shot if you stop walking.  I fully expected them to broach the subject of having to take a piss.  I wasn’t prepared for the scene where a guy had to take a shit.  Or that it would be shown in graphic detail.  That has to be some kind of first for a studio picture.  (As a bonus, there’s ANOTHER shitting scene later in the picture.)

Everybody loves those newfangled, overrated It movies, but did they feature two scenes of full-on defecation?  I think not. 

Speaking of which, Karate Kid Legends’ Ben Wang gets the best line as a fellow walker who says, “Your plan and the stuff that comes out of my asshole bear a suspicious resemblance!”

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: THE HAND THAT ROCKS THE CRADLE (2025) ***

I know this isn’t exactly a horror flick, but I’m going to allow it as part of Halloween Hangover since it features two of my favorite Scream Queens of the last decade or so, Maika Monroe and Mary Elizabeth Winstead.  The original film was one of the first and best of the “From Hell” subgenre of studio thrillers that dominated the ‘90s.  The genre has lost its potency over time, especially once Lifetime basically adopted the format for their original movies.  This remake updates the premise for the times and even adds in some sexual tension between the two leads, which is certainly welcome. 

Winstead plays a new mom who could use a hand around the house, so she hires a seemingly perfect nanny (Monroe) to watch the kids.  At first, she finds small ways to undermine her employer’s authority, like secretly giving the children cupcakes when they aren’t allowed to have sweets.  Eventually, she’s swapping out breast milk for formula before doing more devious activity like poisoning Winstead’s home cooking.  Before long, she learns her new nanny has a score to settle, and she won’t stop until Mary’s life is thoroughly ruined. 

Director Michelle Garza Cervera does a good job at broaching uncomfortable subject matter within the context of a Hollywood thriller.  When Winstead’s young daughter comes out as gay, she suspects Monroe had a hand in coaching her and calls her out on it, which naturally makes her look like a homophonic piece of shit.  These micro manipulations by Monroe keep Winstead (and the audience) off balance. 

Cervera’s handling of the cringey plot reveals is pretty effective and her staging of the more typical thriller cliches is moderately entertaining the whole way through.  If you have to do a remake, this is the approach you should take.  Keep the bones of what made the original work and add in new layers and nuances to keep it fresh. 

It helps that Winstead and Monroe are both quite strong.  They play off one another extremely well and once the sparks finally fly, it’s fun to see them go at each other.  All in all, it’s a solid remake that’s definitely worth checking out. 

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: NIGHT TEETH (2021) * ½

Benny (Jorge Lendeborg Jr.) is a young wannabe musician who gets a job chauffeuring two hot women (Debby Ryan and Lucy Fry) around the city for the evening.  The ladies want to hit five parties in one night, and it’s up to Benny to get them there on time.  As it turns out, the gals are actually vampires who are aiming to take out the heads of the five vampire clans so they can run the city. 

Night Teeth thinks it’s edgy and hip, but it’s really tired and boring.  It takes more than just tinkering with the rules of vampirism to make a good vampire flick.  The weakest parts of the film are devoted to the backstory with the various vampire clans which feel overexplained and yet at the same time not fully fleshed out. 

The film starts off with potential as the set-up plays kind of like a vampire comedy version of Collateral.  Whatever promise the flick had soon gets thrown out the window thanks to the lethargic pacing and weak vampire hunting action (which mostly plays out as an afterthought).  The dialogue is often cringe-inducing and all the exposition about “breaking the truce with the humans” will leave you rolling your eyes. 

It also hurts that the acting leaves something to be desired. Lendeborg Jr. kind of blends in with the scenery as he never finds a way to make his sheepish character endearing or memorable.  The only two recognizable names in this are Sydney Sweeney and Megan Fox who play a pair of vampire queens.  They look great in their sexy attire (Sweeney is practically spilling out of her evening gown), but they are unfortunately relegated to extended cameos as they only appear in one scene.  While Fry and Ryan are okay as the two mischievous vamps, I can’t help but think how much more fun this would’ve been if Sweeney and Fox had played their roles instead. 

Ultimately, Night Teeth lacks bite. 

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: THE INVISIBLE MAN VS. THE HUMAN FLY (1957) **

A rash of unexplained murders has left the police baffled.  Turns out they are being committed by a killer who can shrink himself down to the size of a housefly.  A scientist working on an invisible ray decides the only way to catch the killer is to make himself invisible. 

The big problem with The Invisible Man vs. the Human Fly is that the two titular adversaries feel like they belong in separate pictures.  The invisibility stuff is slightly different than the traditionally accepted lore as scientists zap rays at test subjects to make them “imperceptible”.  (Personally, I prefer the old wrapped-in-bandages variety.)  The Human Fly scenes are slightly better, but the goofy tone of these sequences run against the grain of the serious mood created elsewhere in the picture.  I also couldn’t help but be disappointed that the “Human Fly” is closer to Ant-Man than Al Hedison.  At least the effects of him being shrunk down are good for a laugh. 

Another issue is the pacing as the back and forth between the plot lines slows things down immensely.  The first act gets incredibly bogged down as the detective scenes are perfunctory at best.  The third act is really draggy once the Human Fly threatens the city by hiding a bomb.  The finale also loses points since there isn’t a traditional mano y mano fight between the two opposing wonders of modern science as it all ends with a boring shootout. 

There are moments here where fun threatens to break out.  It’s in these fleeting passages where you can really see the film’s potential, which kind of makes it sting even more.  We get a great dance routine where a sexy Japanese gal in fishnets shakes so much, she becomes in danger of spilling out of her tiny bra!  Later, there’s a fun bit where the Human Fly spies on her while she’s lounging in her dressing room.  Unbeknownst to her, he runs along her bare midriff while she practices her next number.

Sadly, scenes like that are more the exception than the rule.  Like The Invisible Man Appears, the movie plays a lot like a crime film with Sci-Fi elements.  Even with a potentially fun third act that features multiple Human Flies and invisible people running around, it still somehow manages to be pretty dull.

AKA:  The Invisible Human vs. the Fly Man.  AKA:  The Transparent Man vs. the Fly Man.

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: THE INVISIBLE MAN APPEARS (1949) ***

Two bitter rival scientists are working separately on their own invisibility formulas.  Their mentor proclaims he will bestow an award on the scientist who finishes their formula first.  Not only that, but he’ll also throw his daughter’s hand in marriage in there for good measure.  Problems arise when a thief snatches the formula and becomes invisible so he can steal a priceless necklace. 

It’s always interesting to see a Japanese rip-off of an American monster movie, especially one from this far back.  Boasting early effects work from Eiji Tsuburaya (who would go on to create the effects for Godzilla just a few years later), The Invisible Man Appears is a breezy bit of fun.  If you’re a fan of Invisible Man films in general, you should get as much enjoyment out of this as I did. 

I will say all the stuff with the stolen necklace is a tad dull.  It would’ve been much better had the Invisible Man been let loose to run amok instead of having a ring of jewel thieves be the real culprits.  At least that gives the film its own unique vibe, but it ultimately winds up feeling more like a crime thriller with horror/Sci-Fi elements thrown in. 

That’s kind of a moot point though when the invisibility scenes are so much fun. There’s a 10-out-of-10 sequence where the doctor’s cat turns invisible and starts tearing up the house that is a complete riot.  The scene where the Invisible Man unwraps himself and undresses is quite similar to the old Universal movies, and while it’s a little cruder than its inspiration, it’s a treat to watch, nevertheless.  Sometimes the wires are visible when the Invisible Man is holding something, but that kind of adds to the fun.  The camerawork that represents the Invisible Man’s POV is also well done. 

There is one aspect in which this film manages to one-up the American version.  In the original, the Invisible Man rode a bicycle.  In this one, he drives a motorcycle!  And I don’t mean like in one brief shot.  I’m talking about a legit chase scene complete with extras diving out of the way of the speeding bike! 

In short, The Invisible Man Appears is worth seeing (pun intended). 

AKA:  The Transparent Man.

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: NUDE IN DRACULA’S CASTLE (2009) ***

After the fanfare of Halloween dies down and The 31 Days of Horror-Ween has finished, I inevitably wind up with a LOT more horror movies on my plate to watch.  I typically lump these reviews into a column called Halloween Hangover.  I tried to start this year’s edition off with something called Nude in Dracula’s Castle, which looked promising.  Alternative Cinema put out this two-disc set containing four hours of nudie shorts from the 50’s and ‘60s.  Now, I was under the mistaken impression they were all (or at least mostly) horror related, which is why I spent the week of Halloween watching them.  I got about a quarter of the way through the set when I realized that wasn’t the case, as only the first film was a horror nudie short.  By then, it was too late to turn back.  Anyway, forget that long-winded opening, here’s my in-depth report on a bunch of vintage smut: 

“Nude in Dracula’s Castle” ****

A sexy brunette spends the night in a spooky old mansion and is menaced by the pale faced butler who is actually a vampire.  This was pretty much it as far as the horror nudie shorts go.  That said, it is a terrific little mini-masterpiece.  It has better production values than most features and the lighting is particularly good for an 8mm loop.  Imagine if Russ Meyer did a remake of Nosferatu and Carnival of Souls in less than three minutes and that might give you an idea of what to expect.  It’s pure cinema.  I don’t know if it’s worth buying the whole set just for this short, but I couldn’t fault anyone for wanting to add it to their collection.  It’s that damn good. 

“Lynda” ** ½ 

A model named Lynda lies on the bed thrusting her loins at the camera.  This is about as basic a nudie loop as you can get.  However, if you paid a quarter back in the day to see it at an adult arcade, I’d say you probably got your money’s worth as there are plenty of full-on beaver shots. 

“Lusty and Young” ** ½ 

A snaggle-toothed chick disrobes and shows off her beaver.  Like "Lynda", there’s not a lot to this one, but it’s got plenty of bush.  It’s also memorable, if only for the model’s dental deformity. 

“Marty” ***

This loop follows the same tired structure as the previous two entries.  The difference here is that Marty is a real looker and seems to be enjoying grinding her beaver about. 

“Brandi” *** ½ 

If Brandi isn’t the best-looking girl so far, she’s definitely the most limber.  She’s certainly eager to show off that beaver, which also helps enormously.  Add to that the fact that the camerawork is much better in this loop and you have yourself a real winner. 

“Blonde and Spunky” ***

The model is blonde and spunky, so you can’t sue them for false advertising.  (She kind of looks like Angie Dickinson a little.)  Compared to the other beaver loops, this one has some interesting camerawork as it begins with a cool low angle shot and features several close-ups of the eager model mugging for the camera.  It’s kind of on the short side, but other than that, it’s a winner. 

“Red Hot and Ready” ***

This one follows the same formula as the previous loops.  A brunette strips for the camera before hoping into bed.  This gal, while she maybe not as attractive as some of the other starlets in the collection, is jiggly with a capital “J” as she does some memorable bumping and grinding throughout her energetic routine. 

“Lucious for You” ** ½ 

A brunette with heavy eye make-up and a big beehive undresses and flicks her tongue at the camera.  This one is hallmarked by camerawork that leers closely to its subject.  Sometimes it’s a little too close, but it does result in at least one great shot from between the model’s legs. 

“Innocent and Willing” ****

Up until now, all the segments have been relatively chaste.  Although all the models have appeared nude, there hasn’t been anything here that would be labeled as hardcore.  That all changes with this sequence, which features a hot blonde graphically masturbating.  Even if you aren’t a fan of vintage erotica, this loop may make you change your tune as it’s tawdry as all get out.  This was about as close to OnlyFans as you could get back in the ‘50s!

“Groovy for You” ** ½ 

After checking herself out in the mirror, a sexy brunette disrobes before sprawling out on a couch.  This one is a nice change of pace since it takes place on a couch rather than a bed.  Other than that, it’s not especially memorable although the model is definitely cute. 

“Candy” ***

A cute short haired brunette with glasses undresses.  At first, she seems shy and demure, but once her glasses come off, she can bump and grind with the best of them.  The shot of her bent over for the camera that concludes the reel is especially saucy. 

“Old Fashion” ***

A chick that kind of resembles Jackie O. undresses and gives the viewer a come-hither type look before lounging on her bed.  While this one follows essentially the same formula as nearly all the other loops featured here, the winning personality of the model helps make it one of the most memorable. 

“Spunky and Loving It” *** ½ 

This is another case where the enthusiasm of the subject makes all the difference.  Our leading lady does the Twist while wearing nothing but a cardigan and black panties.  While she’s twisting, her boobs and buns wiggle and jiggle something fierce.  Then she sprawls out on her bed while wearing long black gloves before another twisting striptease.  Chubby Checker eat your heart out!

“The Smiling Blonde” ** ½ 

Hey what gives?  This one is all about a frowning brunette!  Just kidding.  There’s not much to this one as it’s short and (mostly) sweet.  At least the model wastes no time when it comes to ditching her stitching. 

“Cute and Curly” **

This reel (about a redhead doing a striptease) looks noticeably older than the previous loops.  (It’s possibly from the ‘40s.)  It’s not terrible, but the extensive print damage and focus problems take much of the fun out of the equation. 

“Margie” ** ½ 

A platinum princess pops her top and poses for the camera.  This one is really short and doesn’t go anywhere, but the model is hot. 

“Sweet and Bored” **

Here’s another short loop plagued with print problems.  It’s a shame too because the model is definitely cute.  It makes you wish the cameraman had found more for her to do. 

“Bed Manners” ***

This one shows what you can do when you have a cameraman who likes to keep things interesting and a model with screen presence and sex appeal.  It’s brief and to the point, but it works 

“A Little Tipsy” ***

True to the title, the model looks to be under the influence here.  She’s still plenty hot and looks great while slinking around on a sofa and showing off her ample bush before rolling onto the floor and undulating on all fours.  I bet she’s fun at parties. 

“More for the Pillow” ***

A naked blonde cavorts and contorts on a bed.  This one gets right down to business, which after a few hours of watching this sort of thing, is appreciated.  It also helps that the subject seems to be thoroughly enjoying herself. 

“Beached Mermaid” *** ½ 

This short offers two firsts for the collection.  One:  It takes place outdoors.  Two:  It’s in color!  A cute blonde drops her towel on the beach and frolics nude in the sand with an oversized beach ball.  The color photography enhances her great smile and lovely figure, making this one of the better shorts on the DVD. 

“More Than a Wink” *** ½ 

A brunette fidgets in her sleep before removing her clothes and gyrating around.  Folks, we’ve all seen sleepwalking, but this might be the first instance of sleepstripping!  Add to that the fact that she can twerk better asleep than some girls can awake (and the fact that she can’t seem to keep her tongue in her mouth), and you have yourself a wild short and a great way to end the first disc. 

“The Shave” ****

Disc Two kicks off with another color short.  If you’ve had your fill of fuzzy beavers throughout this collection, this will be the perfect antidote.  A beautiful blonde disrobes in her bedroom before lathering up her nether region and shaving her pubic hair.  You know, there is something to be said for impeccable grooming habits.  Like “Nude in Dracula’s Castle”, this is a classic of its kind.  Little touches like the close-up of the razor or the use of a mirror by the model to aid her in her quest for a shorn mound makes this borderline art.  It probably belongs in the MoMA.  It would’ve been a classic anyway if it had just been a single shaving scene, but afterwards, the model gets dressed (she’s just as hot getting dressed as she is undressing) in a see-thru crotchless and bottomless two-piece pajamas before undressing for the camera AGAIN.  How this didn’t win an Oscar for Best Short Film I’ll never know. 

“Eros POB 613 Copenhagen” ***

This looks to be an excerpt from Danish nudist movie.  Four naked gals parade around a pool and perform an impromptu beauty pageant.  The winner is crowned, and she’s handed a trophy.  Then, the ladies play a game where they throw a tennis ball over a volleyball net.  (I guess they blew their budget on the trophy and couldn’t afford a real volleyball.)  This one is novel for its use of multiple set-ups, more than one model, and an actual storyline (loose as it may be). 

“Beauty and the Beach” ***

A spunky blonde in a black bikini is strolling along the beach.  She then sneaks behind the rocks where she sheds her swimwear to enjoy the surf and sand au natural.  The combination of a cute model and scenic location work makes for another solid entry in the collection. 

“Double Your Pleasure” ***

A blonde and a brunette lug a bag of golf clubs through the desert and play with a beach ball.  When the beach ball pops, they decide to just sunbathe.  This is another short that has a naturist vibe to it.  My only complaint is that the golf clubs never really come into play (aside from the brunette taking one or two practice swings).

“Cynthia” *** ½ 

A hot blonde lounges nude in bed while batting her lashes for the audience.  While this is one of the simplest loops, it is also one of the most effective as our model has oodles of sex appeal and the camera absolutely adores her. 

“Beauties Bathing” ***

I really enjoy these nudist camp style shorts.  In this one, three gals at a beach house strip, roll around in the sand, perform calisthenics, toss around a volleyball, and lounge on top of a picnic table.  (One model also checks on lunch, which includes a pineapple and a big fake fish.)  This loop is so much fun you may forget that the beauties never get around to bathing. 

“On the Road to You” ** ½ 

A naked blonde leaves her car to sunbathe in the desert.  Then it’s back into the car where she heads off to her destination, the Lazy X Ranch.  The outdoor locations make this one stand out, even though it lacks the fun and charm of some of the other loops in the set. 

“Blonde Swinger” ***

If you were bummed about the lack of nude golfing in “Double Your Pleasure”, this short is for you.  A naked blonde grabs a golf clubs and practices her… uh… stroke.  (“Swinger”!  Get it?).  Plus, it’s in color!  Why can’t the LGPA be like THIS?

“Missy” *** ½ 

A demure model with an amazing rack and impeccable bush lies on a couch and bares all for the camera.  There’s not much to this one and there doesn’t have to be since the starlet is a straight-up smokeshow. 

“Close to You” *** ½ 

This one is Bush-o-Rama!  The camera rarely ventures below the model’s thighs or above her belly button.  In short, there’s enough beaver here to make you say damn!

“Sweet and Anxious" *** ½ 

A dark-haired cutie strips out of her black lingerie and teases the camera.  Here’s a sterling example of a model’s playful enthusiasm elevating what could’ve been a thoroughly ordinary loop.  She gives us a perfect amount of tease and please, and leaves us wanting more, but in the best possible way. 

“Queen for a Night” ***

It’s almost like you get two shorts for the price of one in this final loop.  A busty maid strips and tries on her queen’s crown and cloak.  Meanwhile, a gorgeous gal disrobes on a bed.  I don’t know what the heck one has to do with the other, but the models are both pretty hot. 

TUBI-WEEN HANGOVER: GHOST OF CAMP BLOOD (2018) * ½

Despite the fact there is a Camp Blood 8, Ghost of Camp Blood was actually released after It Kills:  Camp Blood 7.  That would make this the ninth Camp Blood movie as there are apparently two Part 3s.  The whacked-out numbering system is one of the things I find so fascinating about this series.  Okay, so it might be the ONLY thing I find fascinating about this series.

Mark Polonia is back behind the camera for this one.  It picks up right where Part 7 left off with a Friday the 13th 3D-style opening that shows the climax of the preceding film where the killer is presumably killed, but then just shuffles offscreen with apparently only minor injuries.  Then, the plot begins.  A washed-up reality show host has one last chance at a hit.  To boost ratings, he decides to make his next show about the Camp Blood killer.  A trio of amateur ghost hunters tag along to Camp Blood, hoping to become part of the crew.  Eventually, the spirit of the Camp Blood killer possesses the host, and he takes after the new recruits with a big ass machete. 

The padding is out of control this time out.  There may not be as much padding as the Dustin Ferguson directed entries, but it’s jam-packed with scenes from Part 7.  Such scenes include a montage of the psycho’s best kills and a scene where some characters sit around and talk about their favorite Camp Blood murder (which gives Polonia another opportunity to show the same footage all over again).  There are also many repeated sequences (including one of a naked woman, which admittedly is okay with me).  Also, some of the dialogue scenes seem like they’re played in .75x speed in an effort to slow the picture down to get it up to feature length.  Characters speak slower and move slower than normal during these scenes, and it gets annoying awfully fast.  The fact that there’s more T & A than usual helps somewhat. 

The scenes where the killer speaks are really goofy too.  There’s a reason why psychos remain silent in these things.  The performances are pretty weak as well.  Overall, Ghost of Camp Blood is definitely a step down from the other Polonia directed sequels in the franchise. 

TUBI-WEEN HANGOVER: IT KILLS: CAMP BLOOD 7 (2017) **

More campers get stranded in the woods and come face to face with a killer in a clown mask.  And… well… that’s about it for the plot.  No one set out to reinvent the wheel this time out, which is good news or bad news, depending on how you look at it.  On one hand, it’s a solid, yet unspectacular slasher.  On the other, you can say that about a hundred or so other movies on Tubi.

It Kills finds veteran Z-grade director Mark (Cocaine Shark) Polonia returning to the Camp Blood fold.  Sure, it’s not quite as good as his Camp Blood:  First Slaughter, but at least it feels like an actual movie, which is more than I can say for the Dustin Ferguson directed entries in the franchise.  While I can’t say it’s effective, I think it's nice that Polonia wears his influences on his sleeve so brazenly as there are many touches straight out of the Friday the 13th franchise.  One character is in a wheelchair like in Part 2, there’s a hiker who is searching the woods for a missing relative (shades of Part 4), the road flare death is a direct homage to Part 5, and the finale owes a major debt to Part 4.  The music sounds quite similar to John Carpenter’s Halloween score as well. 

The bulk of the kills this time out are rather interchangeable and unmemorable. There are lots of machetes to the stomachs and hands getting cut off in this one.  The gore is weak too.  The guts in one scene look like they could be used to create a balloon animal, which is good for an unintentional laugh.  At least the cast has a little more personality this time around, which is appreciated, especially considering the rest of the picture is by the numbers for the most part. 

AKA:  It Kills.  AKA:  Camp Blood 7:  It Kills. 

TUBI-WEEN HANGOVER: CAMP BLOOD 666 (2016) **

The first thing you notice about Camp Blood 666 is that it starts off with brand new footage.  Surprisingly enough, it’s a decent enough scene in which a Satanic cult holds a black mass to resurrect the Camp Blood killer.  Upon hearing her brother has joined the devil cult, the concerned Betsy (Shoshanna Green) heads off into the woods to find him. 

Another thing of note about 666 is that it has actual stars this time out.  And by “actual stars” I mean George Stover and Tina Krause (although unfortunately her scene was cut out of the Tubi version).  That’s certainly an upgrade from the casts of the last two entries if you ask me. 

The scenes of our heroine playing Nancy Drew and trying to find her brother aren’t exactly involving, but at least they are scenes from THIS movie and not scenes from another entry in the series.  Sure, there’s still some padding here (like the weird scene where a character watches a vintage public access kids show where a little kid gets his face painted), and there’s still plenty of overlong shots of people walking aimlessly.  Yet, despite this, Camp Blood 666 remains watchable, even if it never really comes close to being… you know… good. 

Sadly, most of the kills just involve the Camp Blood killer stabbing people in various body parts with his trusty machete.  However, we do get a scene where he cuts a guy’s foot off and shoves it down his throat.  I can’t say I’ve seen that in a movie before, so… respect. 

The acting is a bit stilted, but amusingly so.  Alyson Rodriguez Orenstein is particularly fun as a talkative goth chick.  The sound is bad in some places though, and the music drowns out the dialogue in other scenes.  While I can’t even come close to recommending this one, it feels like Citizen Kane compared to the last two entries. 

TUBI-WEEN HANGOVER: CAMP BLOOD 5 (2016) ½ *

Dustin Ferguson returns to the director’s chair for this immediate sequel.  The padding this time out includes footage from Camp Blood 4, negative vision nightmare scenes, a lengthy sequence of a character shopping for a Halloween costume, long shots of people walking, a scene where characters sit on a couch and watch scenes from the anthology horror movie Things, characters watching long shots of people walking from the anthology horror movie Things, and long scenes of people walking in flashbacks to Camp Blood 4, 

Oh, and occasionally a guy in a clown mask will kill some campers in the woods.  Eventually, the lone survivor of the massacre in Part 4 decides to get revenge. 

In part 4, the plot didn’t start till the running time was halfway over.  In this one, the plot doesn’t start till the last ten minutes.  That’s right folks, this movie has even less movie in it than the last movie.  It’s like Ferguson made an hour-long movie and decided to split it in half and pad it out with scenes from other movies in order to get two hour-long movies.  It doesn’t help that the old scenes are even more tiresome this time around or that the new footage is severely underwhelming (especially the rushed and unsatisfying climax). 

The thing is, even if Parts 4 and 5 had been edited together as one hour-long movie, it STILL would’ve sucked.  Not half-star sucked, but at least one-star sucked.  Stretching the already weak premise out over two films and packing it to the gills with filler doesn’t really help anyone.  In fact, the long gratuitous sequences of people watching Things will probably just make you wish you were watching Things than wasting your time on this mess.  I mean, Things was no prize, but it seems like Oscar-worthy shit compared to Camp Bloods 4 and 5.

TUBI-WEEN HANGOVER: CAMP BLOOD 4 (2016) ½ *

Dustin (Cocaine Cougar) Ferguson takes the reins from Mark Polonia for the fourth (or fifth, depending on if you count Within the Woods) entry in the Camp Blood franchise.  In pure Ferguson fashion, he pads out the film with flashback scenes from Camp Blood:  First Slaughter, a long opening credits sequence, gratuitous newsbreak footage, pointless walking scenes, gratuitous montages, dance sequences, irritating slow motion scenes, and multiple scenes of women applying their makeup.  In fact, this might be the first movie in history that doesn’t start till its halfway over. 

I never thought anyone could make me wistful for the cinematic prowess of Mark Polonia, but I guess Dustin Ferguson is that kind of guy. 

A group of friends on their way to a rock concert stop off at Camp Blood for a little R and R.  They instead wind up getting S and S.  (Stalked and Slashed.)

The flashbacks to Camp Blood:  First Slaughter take up roughly half the running time.  This might not have been a bad thing if I had never seen First Slaughter, but since I basically watched these two flicks back-to-back, it became repetitious and irritating in a hurry.  It also just goes to show how much better Polonia was at staging the murder scenes than Ferguson.  It’s especially obvious when you can compare the two almost simultaneously within the same flick.  Ferguson also gives us a lot of nighttime scenes that are hard to see, which also amps up the irritation factor.  

Just when you think it can’t get any worse, it ends with an annoying cliffhanger for Part 5.  I mean, when you sit through a bad movie (or two halves of two bad movies as is the case here), you expect at least some kind of resolution.  Oh well, at least I didn’t have to wait long to find out what happened as I watched Part 5 soon after… 

TUBI-WEEN HANGOVER: CAMP BLOOD: FIRST SLAUGHTER (2014) **

I figured I would round out the Tubi-Ween Hangover column by giving the Camp Blood movies a whirl.  The first two aren’t on Tubi, so I started with the third one.  The Camp Blood series is unique in that the numbering is all screwed up.  This is actually the second Part 3 in the series as it supposedly retcons the original Part 3, Within the Woods, which is also absent from the streaming service.  (There’s also apparently two Part 6’s, but I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.)  This entry was written and directed by Mark Polonia, no stranger to the Tubi Continued… column, so you might already know what to expect. 

A killer in a clown mask is beheaded by a psycho in a red mask who sets about murdering campers unfortunate enough to be camping at Camp Blood.  Meanwhile, a group of college students head into the woods to debunk the urban legend of the clown killer and are promptly slaughtered.  Once their footage from their fateful trip is found, it is shown to the masses on television. 

The stalking scenes are a serviceable imitation of the standard set down by John Carpenter all those years ago in Halloween.  The film does have one neat concept that I’m surprised hasn’t been tried in the genre before.  The killer tapes a camera to his head so that all his POV shots look like actual POV shots from a horror movie.  That at the very least breaks up the monotony of the typical handheld Found Footage camerawork. 

Fortunately, the Found Footage stuff only takes up about half the film, and since it’s edited together from different sources it almost sort of feels cinematic.  The practical gore effects are surprisingly strong too.  We get decapitations, a machete to the face, a machete to the throat, a machete to the back, and a machete to the head.  There’s also an axe to the chest, too.  It’s just a shame that the CGI touch-ups and blood splatters look so shoddy.  The gore doesn’t quite save Camp Blood:  First Slaughter, but it does make it more tolerable than countless similar slashers out there. 

AKA:  Camp Blood 3.  AKA:  Camp Blood III 3-D.  

TUBI-WEEN HANGOVER: DEMONIC TOYS: JACK ATTACK (2023) **

I’ve never really been a Demonic Toys fan.  The recent Baby Oopsie spin-off was pretty good though.  Because of that, I was hoping Demonic Toys:  Jack Attack would be about on par with that one, but it’s only intermittently amusing.  Overall, it’s closer in terms of quality to the Baby Oopsie sequels.

Lily (Sophia Castellanos) watches in horror as her foster mother is killed by the evil Jack in the box, Jack Attack.  The shock of the attack leaves Lily without the ability to speak.  She is then shuffled off to relatives of her deceased foster mother who live on a farm in the middle of nowhere.  Before long, a mysterious crate arrives containing the murderous Jack Attack who sets out to munch and crunch the family members one by one. 

Perhaps sensing that a sole Jack in the box that resembles a Killer Klowns from Outer Space hand puppet from Spirit Halloween wasn’t enough to carry an entire movie (even one that’s only fifty-nine minutes long), the filmmakers have given Jack an ugly clown sidekick to aid him in his massacre.  The carnage the duo creates is decent, all things considered.  There’s flesh ripping, head lopping, eyeball ripping, death by woodchipper, and a scene where Jack burrows into the chest of a victim.  It also features a scene where someone gets an anvil dropped on their head.  The last time I saw that was in a Wile E. Coyote cartoon, so you’ve got to admire that. 

Unfortunately, the foster family drama is largely uninvolving.  The performances by Mabel Thomas (who plays a concerned CPS worker) and Castellanos are better than the film probably deserves, but writer/director William Butler doesn’t give them anything worthwhile to do.  He does a fair job connecting this to his previous Baby Oopsie series as the devilish doll baby is shown on a TV news report.  That suggests to me that he’s angling for an MCU team-up (although I guess “reunion” is a better word) down the road. 

Presumably inspired by The Criterion Collection, Charles Band has taken to numbering all his Full Moon movies.  (This one is number 386.)  If you’re a fan of his films and are making a checklist of these things, the best thing I can say is that you can cross this one off your list after you watch it.  I can’t say you’ll remember it a week or so afterwards though. 

AKA:  Jack Attack.