CHRISTMAS BLOODY CHRISTMAS (2022) **

Fuck.  Fuckin’.  Fucker.  Motherfucker.  You like the word “fuck”?  Well, you’re fuckin’ gonna hear it a lot of fuckin’ times in Joe Begos’ Christmas Bloody fuckin’ Christmas, motherfucker.

Now, I don’t really have a problem with cursing in movies.  In fact, in the right hands, it can be almost poetic.  Think David Mamet or Quentin Tarantino.  However, when the cursing is gratuitous for the sake of being gratuitous, it gets tiresome.  Fast.  

Like Tarantino, Begos peppers some of the foulmouthed conversations with pop culture references.  These conversations never once sound natural and feel just as forced as the cursing.  Music and movie lovers don’t really talk like that in real life.  The only place music and movie lovers talk like that is in the movies.

Fortunately for the audience, once the characters stop swearing and start screaming, the movie improves dramatically.  Not enough to completely wash away the sour aftertaste of the first hour or so, but Begos does deliver a solid finale.  It’s like a bratty kid who starts being good in December so Santa will take him off the “Naughty” list.

Speaking of Santa, the plot has something to do with government robot soldiers being discontinued and repurposed as department store Santas.  One such robot becomes sentient and begins chopping up bad boys and girls.  He eventually sets his sights on the foulmouthed proprietor of a record store (Riley Dandy), who fights back in fine Final Girl fashion.

Maybe Begos was stacking the deck here.  Maybe he wanted us to hate the characters just as much as RoboSanta did so that we cheer when they finally get axed, bludgeoned, and stomped.  That still doesn’t excuse the fact why he made the movie so damned hard to look at.  With the garish neon, blacklights, and oversaturated lighting, the movie often looks like a cinematic version of an ugly Christmas sweater.  

Begos has made a career aping John Carpenter.  Almost Human was his version of The Thing and VFW was Begos’ homage to Assault on Precinct 13.  This is his riff on Halloween (the Santa jolts up just like Michael Myers did), as well as James Cameron’s The Terminator (which itself was a riff on Halloween).  This is probably his least successful Carpenter variation, but there’s enough good stuff in the last twenty minutes to make me hopeful that next time he’ll branch out and try something original instead of just riffing on Carpenter.  

Speaking of riffing, Jonah Ray, the new host of Mystery Science Theater 3000 plays the first victim.  It’s funny how art imitates life.  First you make fun of bad movies.  Then you’re in one.  Christmas Bloody Christmas may not be great, but if you ever wanted to see the host of MST3K eat ass, then I guess it will fit the bill.

NOPE (2022) ** ½

After making two movies that felt like overlong Twilight Zone episodes, Jordan Peele branches into full-on Steven Spielberg territory with the extraterrestrial/comedy/western, Nope.  While Peele might have had lofty aspirations of attaining a Spielberg vibe, unfortunately, the results more often than not are closer to M. Night Shyamalan than Spielberg.  Even though it’s much more of a mixed bag than either Get Out or Us, it certainly has its moments.  

Daniel Kaluuya and Keke Palmer star as a pair of siblings who own a ranch that loans horses to Hollywood productions.  After the mysterious death of their father (Keith David) and the disappearances of their horses, they do some investigating and soon find out a pesky alien is to blame.  They then set out to capture the extraterrestrial horse thief on film with the help of a UFO junkie (Brandon Perea) and an ace cinematographer (Michael Wincott).

The idea has potential, but the film is often too meandering for its own good.  The chief problem is the “B” plot involving a chimp that was the star of his own sitcom until it went crazy and slaughtered the cast and crew.  While that little bit of side business might’ve worked as an entertaining feature in its own right, it would’ve made for a tighter picture had it been cut entirely.  Sure, it fits into the overall theme of the movie, but it’s ultimately little more than a gratuitous digression.

Although the slow build-up may have you fidgeting in your chair, stay with it, because the finale is rather rousing.  Maybe not quite strong enough to justify the film’s two-hour-plus running time, but it’s a solidly crafted elongated suspense/action sequence.  I will say that once we finally get a look at the mischievous E.T., it’s a little disappointing.  The tantalizing glimpses of what’s going on inside the UFO work slightly better.  

The performances are almost as uneven as the movie itself.  Kaluuya gives a naturalistic performance.  So naturalistic that we don’t even feel like we’re watching a character in a movie.  However, he’s so naturalistic that at times he mumbles his dialogue so much that you can’t understand what he’s saying.  Palmer is kind of annoying, but it’s not really her fault as Peele more or less writes her as the annoying sister, without a whole lot of depth.  Steven Yeun fares slightly better as the child actor who survived the monkey attack to grow up to be a cowboy who owns a western amusement park.  It’s Wincott though who steals the show.  His off-kilter performance that injects some much-needed personality into the proceedings late in the game.  The creepy way he talk-sings “Purple People Eater” is almost worth the price of admission alone.

Despite its flaws, the flick is more of a Yup than a Nope.

X (2022) *** ½

The first hour or so of X answers the age-old question, “What would it look like if Tobe Hooper directed Boogie Nights?”  A bunch of young and horny pornographers rent a farmhouse from an elderly couple and proceed to make a porno (called “The Farmer’s Daughter”) on the down low.  Along the way, writer/director Ti (The House of the Devil) West gives us many homages to Hooper’s The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (it could’ve almost been called The TeXXXas Chainsaw Massacre), as well as Eaten Alive.  

Then, West makes an interesting pivot and shifts the focus to from the young horndogs to the old couple who own the farm where the smut movie makers are staying.  The way he contrasts their desires is startlingly effective.  If you don’t want to know the more, then maybe tap out here and just go see the flick.  (Spoilers Ahead.)

X is the third movie I’ve seen in three days about old people who are crazed killers.  (Old People and Dashcam were the other two.)  This was quite accidental, but it was fascinating to see how filmmakers handled the idea differently.  This one is the best of the lot because it actually manages to say something about the subject of growing old and the disdain the elderly must feel towards the young as they are in the twilight of their lives.  We’ve all heard the saying, “Age before beauty”.  Well, in X, age comes after beauty… with a vengeance.  

It also has a lot to say about sexuality and age.  Just because the old couple are wrinkled and gray doesn’t mean they can’t get it on.  If you’re shocked and/or appalled by the frank scenes of old people fucking, it’s because society’s beauty standards have instilled in us a kneejerk reaction to the sight elderly people screwing.

The performances are strong all around.  Martin Henderson takes the acting honors as the adult film’s executive producer who basically acts like an Asylum version of Matthew McConaughey.  Jenna Ortega is winning as the quiet, reserved boom operator who secretly wants to become a movie star.  Brittany Snow is quite good too as the blonde bombshell smut movie queen.  Mia Goth also has some nice moments as the coke-snorting, fame-obsessed porn starlet wannabe.  Rapper Kid Cudi does a fine job as well as the porno’s leading man.  

Goth returned six months later for the prequel, Pearl, also written and directed by West.

BLACKLIGHT (2022) * ½

Liam Neeson stars as a “fixer” named Travis Block who retrieves Federal agents from the field after they’ve been compromised.  He’s trying to retire from the life to spend more time with his grandkid, but his obviously evil boss Robinson (Aidan Quinn) ropes him into doing one more job.  When his protegee (Taylor John Smith) tries to blow the whistle on Robinson, he’s gunned down in the street by shadowy government agents.  It’s then up to Neeson and a reporter (Emmy Raver-Lampman) to join forces to bring Robinson down.  

The opening action sequence of Blacklight was worrisome.  It contained a lot of Shaky Cam and was pointlessly edited to shreds.  Seriously, it’s 2022 and we’re still doing this shit?  I know Liam Neeson has been making the same movie again and again for the past fifteen years, but there’s no reason to keep editing them the same way they did back in 2007.

Fortunately, the ADHD editing and camerawork settled down shortly thereafter.  That’s mostly because the action pretty much dries up too.  Aside from one OK scene where a dump truck tosses a speeding car at Neeson, it’s rather dull.  The finale, where Neeson goes Home Alone on a bunch of gunmen begins promising enough, but it soon reveals itself to be a weaker, less imaginative imitation of scenarios you’ve seen countless times before (which pretty much sums up the movie itself).  

The most laughable scene occurs when Neeson is late picking up his granddaughter from school.  When he arrives at the classroom, she tells him everyone went home and she’s the only one left in the entire building!  I’m asked to suspend disbelief in movies all the time, but I refuse to accept that any educator would leave a child alone, unattended in a school.  I mean not even the janitor is there?  What did the teacher expect her to do, lock up before she left?

Like many Neeson movies, they give him a character quirk.  Remember how he couldn’t remember in Unknown?  Or when he was a recovering alcoholic in A Walk Among the Tombstones?  Well, here he has OCD, which means he starts to do things two or three times before he actually does them.  Maybe if he looked at the script two or three times, he would’ve noticed how bad it was and passed on the movie.

NAKED CAME THE STRANGER (1975) ***

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DASHCAM (2022) ***

Dashcam is the best Shaky Cam Horror Movie ever made.  Even though there are several instances where the camera is way too damn shaky, it does contain one or two effective jump scares, which is more than I can say for all the films in the genre combined.  (The best one involves an airbag.)  Like most Shaky Cam flicks, it is slow to start.  However, what makes this one the pinnacle of the form is that once it gets going, the action never lets up.  (The “Hall of Mirrors” sequence in particular, is a real banger.)

Unlike We’re All Going to the World’s Fair, we are supposed to hate our heroine, Annie Hardy (herself).  In fact, it’s almost comical the way the movie stacks the deck against her.  Not only does she have her own livestream where she raps while driving, she’s also a MAGA lover who refuses to wear her mask during the pandemic.  You just can’t wait to see her get her just desserts.  

And boy, does she ever.  In the last two acts of the movie, she gets coated in blood, vomit, rain, mud, feces, and God knows what else.  Dare I say it’s reminiscent of Ash in The Evil Dead the way the movie puts her through the ringer.  It’s not nearly as good, mind you, but certainly reminiscent.  

The plot:  Influencer Annie goes to England to see an old friend and make stupid internet videos.  When she goes to pick up a food order, the sketchy employee asks her to give an old, infirmed woman a lift.  We soon learn the old lady is not what she seems.  

It's fitting I watched this right after We’re All Going to the World’s Fair and Old People.  Everything those movies managed to do wrong, Dashcam does so much better.  The best thing about it, is its breakneck pace.  If you can make it past the first twenty minutes of Annie being annoying, you will be treated to some truly impressive horrific shit.  Even as someone who detests the Shaky Cam genre, I have to tip my hat to the filmmakers for going all out in the crazy department.  Oh, and if you skip the end where Annie raps everyone’s name over the end credits, the movie’s only like an hour long.  You got to respect a Shaky Cam flick that knows when to pack it in before it overstays its welcome.  More films in the genre should take a cue from Dashcam’s lead.

OLD PEOPLE (2022) **

Here’s an irresistible idea for a movie.  Old people worldwide suddenly snap and start killing anyone belonging to the younger generations.  Think an ageist version of George Romero’s The Crazies.  Or maybe a mash-up of Romero’s Night of the Living Dad and The Amusement Park.

Things get off to a good start too as the opening in which an old dude goes nuts on his home healthcare nurse is a solid table setter.  Too bad it’s just a bait-and-switch as the movie then back peddles to when the outbreak first began.  For the next forty-five minutes or so we are stuck dealing with this family getting ready for a wedding.  The stuff with the bride renovating an old farmhouse for the reception feels like a goddamned Hallmark movie or something.  

While everyone is preparing for the nuptials, the family remembers poor old grandpa is at the nursing home and they go and pick him up.  Since no one had bothered to check on him in a while, the family is horrified to discover that gramps, along with all the other elderly people in the home, have turned into savage killers.  Naturally, the family hightails it out of there, but the oldies follow them home and crash the wedding.  

The premise is ripe for social commentary about elder abuse and neglect.  Sadly, the movie never takes it in that direction.  It would rather be yet another zombie movie variation.  This wouldn’t be such a bad thing if the horror sequences crackled, but for the most part, Old People is slow moving and dull.  It doesn’t help that much of the action is dimly lit so it’s hard to tell what’s going on half the time.  

The good news is the last reel manages to rekindle some of the pep that the opening sequence had.  So, at least the first and last ten minutes are worthwhile.  It’s a shame that the eighty minutes in between are pretty weak.